1x08 - Hot Blooded
Stop playing with your toys. I need to talk to you.
Okay, mom, listen. I'm not playing, okay?
I'm sorting out my tees and markers. It's very relaxing.
You should try it with your spare change.
See if you have enough to get your own place.
Look at you, living the white life,
playing the white man's game.
You need some color in your sad life.
Okay, look. I got color.
- There's red, yellow, blue, white. - But no brown, huh?
I got a brown for you. A brown woman.
You got a woman for me?
What's thicker, her accent or her mustache?
Oh, let me guess. Her ankles.
She happens to be an amazing individual.
A doctor. And stylish.
She wears the shoes with the red on the bottom...
Oh, oh, you mean the "Christina Louie-Butontes"?
Christian Louboutins. How do you know about Louboutins?
Your parole officer don't wear none.
- I read people en Espanol. - The brown people?
Hey, and I also know that Christina Aguilera
lost 49 pounds simply by eating sensibly and doing pilates.
The most important thing about this amazing individual...
- She's Mexican! - Oh.
No, no, no. No way, mom. I'm never dating a latina again.
They're nuts, including you.
Oh, you prefer that lily-white,
flat-assed, tits-on-a-stick you were married to?
A Mexican woman can cook you the things you like.
What did that stick ever cook you? A bowl of steam?
Mom, latinas are all crazy.
They spend all day plucking their eyebrows,
then all night, painting them back in.
Everything makes them mad.
Every guy they meet, they put a tattoo on their chi-chi.
Then they break up with five guys,
they end up with a bouquet on their chest.
You don't see crazy people from Sweden. They keep it all in.
And instead of crying, they just kill themselves.
That's true.
- She's here. - What?
Make yourself look thin.
Never mind.
What is she doing here?
Georgie, hey. I didn't know heaven made house calls.
There's an angel in the living room.
Big chi-chis.
Damn. That's the woman my mom wants to fix me up with.
You know what, Georgie? Get... get out of here.
Go on, go on.
Go on and hide. Hey, that lady's way out of your league.
- Go hide in the garage. - What?
Georgie, that lady is a 9. You're a 2 1/3.
2 1/3? If I'm a 2 1/3, what the hell are you?
Georgie.
Hey, I'm a 8.5, but I can play up, homey.
George, get your fat ass in here and say hello!
George.
This is the girl you just told me you didn't want to meet.
I never said that, liar.
She really should be in a home.
And I'm not particular what home. Just another home.
Hi, I'm George Lopez.
Dr. Claudia Fernandez. Nice to meet you.
I'm Tio.
A pleasure to make your sincere acquaintance.
Perhaps you would like to rendezvou-es in the kitchen
and pursue the rest of my tattoos?
Put that away, cochino! Your nipples are all hard.
- George said you'd have a mustache. - Okay.
Mother, may I speak to you in the kitchen?
It's of dire importance. You too, nips.
'Sup, fool?
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Did you see under her shoes?
Yes, she had on the "Louie-Butontes."
Hey, hey, hey.
How do you know a woman like that?
I told you, stupid, she's a doctor. Claudia is my gynecologist.
- What? - Oh.
- I went in for dryness. - Ugh!
- My flower needed water. - Aah!
The visionaries of that!
Well, your royal dryness, keep your flower in here
while I'm out there talking to Claudia.
- Okay, you too. - Didn't I tell you?
You're never gonna do better than her.
Why are you doing this?
If something happened to me, you would be a lost puppy.
Without a strong Mexican woman in your life,
- you would die. - Well, I never thought I would say this,
but, you know what, mom? Thank you.
Um, you know, what other people do.
Hey, fat-ass. Don't tell her
you soiled yourself at the Mariachi festival
in front of Cesar Romero.
Again, I was three!
Sit your ass down right there.
Oh, hey. Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah. Everything's great.
Hey, Claudia, you wanna get out of here And get something to eat?
Oh, sure. I'm starving.
Don't let George eat Indian food.
It gives him chorro.
- Show her the underwear in the garage. - Okay, mom, please.
She's at the age where they don't make any sense anymore.
She deserves to know you hide your soiled underwear
- behind the washing machine. - Mom!
Uh, you know, I think we should go slow.
Okay, I can do slow.
It's just that the last time I slept with a woman
on the first date, I lost 15 years of my life,
half my bank account,
and I got a little white kid that don't look like me.
Rough divorce?
- Rougher marriage. - Hmm.
I mean, I never imagined, you know,
starting my life over again at 39.
- Wait, Alma said you were 48. - Bitch.
You see? I can't even remember how to lie.
It's okay. I'm a little gun-shy too.
The last guy I dated, he really screwed me over.
After Rodrigo, I made a vow to myself.
No guy is ever going to hurt me again.
Yeah, after Mackenzie, I made a vow to myself too.
Prenup.
So... here's to taking it slow and getting to know each other.
Thanks for being so understanding.
George.
Oh, you're watching PBS again, Alma?
Shut up, stick. The vaquero just found out his girlfriend
has been injected by the spirit of el diablo.
- Can I watch? - If you get me another beer, you can.
- Hurry. - No. No beer. You get upstairs.
Harper, you have to finish writing that apology letter to Dakota.
Fine.
I need to talk to George.
- It is important. - For your information, he left.
Ah, well, for your information,
Harper's in trouble at school for using one of your gutter words.
Oh, yeah? Which one?
Spanish is a very rich language.
He called a girl a perra.
Which, correct me if I'm wrong, means something like a prostitute.
It's more like a slut.
No money is exchanged. She does it for the joy.
Thank you for the clarification.
You know, I wonder where an 11-year-old boy
would hear such a word.
I was probably watching your wedding video.
Oh. Wow, just have George call me.
You don't want to know where he is?
Not particularly. Is he teaching?
No, he's not teaching.
But he could finally be learning.
Ooh. Fine, Alma. I'll play along.
Where is George tonight?
Maybe he's with a beautiful latina with red under her shoes.
Maybe he's not.
What's with the riddles? You're like a troll without a bridge.
Maybe he's fully clothed, maybe he's not.
You just have George call me.
Maybe he'll call you, maybe not.
You perra.
Roll your "r"s, stick.
Son of a bitch. Don't cry, mija.
Don't cry. He's not worth it.
Claudia?
I offered myself to you, and you shamed me.
Okay, that was not my intention. I'm sorry if I misled you.
You, in the living room. Now.
This is why I don't date latinas because they end
up crying hysterically in your kitchen for no reason.
For no reason? You rejected her.
- How did I reject her? - You didn't give it to her.
You'd rather touch yourself than touch her.
You disgust me.
I just met her, mom, I was trying to do the right thing.
You mean the white thing.
A real Mexican doesn't walk out on a woman
before he gives her the...
He walks out after, when she's pregnant.
Go in there and apologize.
- What? - Now.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You want me to apologize
for not sleeping with a woman that I just met?
I want you to give her two things...
a ride home and a ride on the carnita express.
Okay, that's crazy. I'm gonna go make sure she's okay.
But that's it. I'm not dating her.
- You need a condom? - No.
I like it. Keep it real.
Okay. Here you are.
- I'm gonna take off. - George.
I'm sorry I got so emotional.
Wow, women usually cry if I sleep with them.
I feel like I should invite you in.
No, you know, it's okay. Claudia, I...
Oh, come on, George. It's just for coffee.
I make a killer cafe con leche.
All right. Okay. Sure.
Here we are.
This won't take long. Hot cafe con leche coming up.
Hey, do you have an artificial sweetener of some kind?
Stevia, perhaps?
Hmm.
Huh.
That would be good for flipping tortillas.
You go to a concert...
Hey, man.
Mm-hmm. He's here.
It's your mom. She wants to talk to you.
Hello, mother. How is your day?
We're here, having coffee.
As you said, she's an amazing individual.
Almita, he'll call you later.
Is this how you like your cafe con leche, papacito?
I usually don't use whole milk.
- What is that tattoo of? - It's Aztec.
They're playing an early form of soccer,
except with human heads.
That's a red card.
Dude, I missed everything.
Yo. You ran away from a naked lady?
If that would have been me, she'd have been Tio'd right there.
A hole in one. Twice.
Tio, she had a tattoo of a human sacrifice.
Usually, they have, like, a dolphin or a butterfly.
She had decapitation on one of her chi-chis.
- I got the hell outta there. - She was latina.
It's a good date if you made it out alive.
Nothing more frightening on Earth than a crazy latina.
George!
Except maybe an angry ex-wife.
Whoa, Mackenzie, you are looking
out of this world in them Yogi pants, man.
Damn.
Tio, why don't you go buy yourself some nice shorts?
- I got nice shorts. - Where? In the car?
George.
What do I have to do to get you to return my calls?
Return half my money?
Sure. When you return my 30s.
Okay, look.
I can't use my cell phone at the club, okay?
It's inappropriate.
What is inappropriate is you playing golf
when our son is having a crisis at school.
What's the crisis this time? They found gluten in a croissant?
Harper called a girl a perra.
A pair of what?
A perra.
I believe it means "slut" in Spanish.
- George, I don't want to sound racist... - Okay, wait a minute.
If there's one place that you can't sound racist,
it's at a country club.
Couple of Arnold Palmers, guys?
Okay, give me five minute please.
Okay, you're right, I'll say it.
The Mexican culture objectifies women.
Oh, and those pants that's showing off your choncho don't?
I don't think my choncho is the problem here.
George. I think maybe Harper is acting out
because of how you're dating now.
What are you talking about?
Your mother told me all about your little one-night stand.
How you gave some latina bimbo a ride on your tamale trolley.
Not that it's any of your business who's riding the tamale trolley,
but that woman happens to be an amazing individual.
Oh, well, then maybe she can get you
to answer your phone, because I'm tired of being
the only one who takes the calls from school.
Okay, all right. It's a parent thing.
All right, I'll talk to Harper.
Good. Because Dakota's parents are coming
to your place tomorrow night, so we can all work
- through this together. - Oh, my god. How exciting.
Shall I prepare the usual? An artisan cheese plate?
- Maybe a bottle of Sauvignon blanc? - George.
Just please be on your best behavior.
And yeah, I do think theSauvignon blanc...
Mr. Lopez, there's a call from a Doctora Fernandez?
- Oh, thanks, Martin. - Okay.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take this call.
It's the amazing individual.
You don't know me, fool.
You don't know what you're starting.
I will hunt you down like the perro that you are. Woof.
I can't use my cell phone at the club. It's inappropriate.
You can run, George, but you can't hide.
Another solution is to create a pathway to citizenship,
but one already exists.
It's called the vagina.
He's not available!
I don't care if he's in the middle of a class.
- I need to talk to him, bitch. - Who you calling "bitch," bitch?
Okay, and please, don't pretend that those are real Louboutins, okay?
The red underneath is nail polish.
You've been leaving footprints all over the hallway.
He's not available!
- Security! - What the hell?
- Hang on. - I don't care
if he's in the middle of a class...
- or in the middle of a root canal... - Claudia?
Oh, excuse me, George. Do you know this "woman"?
Unfortunately, yes. Excuse me.
Can I talk to you in private? Listen.
You're frightening the kids.
Hey, everybody, go back in there. Go google a cat playing the piano.
Listen, this is not the time nor the place.
You're a very attractive woman. It's just that I'm not sure that...
Make love to me now, or you will end up like Rodrigo.
Your ex-boyfriend? What happened to him?
He's hooked up to a machine with someone wiping drool off his chin.
Security! Felipe!
Ayudame, por favor! Oh, Rashawn.
Get her out of here.
- Remember, I know where you live, pendejo! - Oh, my god.
So when you least expect it, expect it.
- Oh, my god. - God, George. Are you okay?
I mean, that woman was crazy.
I'm fine. It's just that my mom tried to set me up...
You're not safe here in the L.A. basin.
You need to come spend the night with me in Chatsworth.
Okay, nice try.
I think I'll take my chances in the L.A. basin.
Okay, hey, listen. Who was that bitch anyway?
She looks a lot like my gynecologist.
Ooh, I gotta schedule my pap smear.
You have to respect women, Harper.
I don't get the big deal.
It's not okay to call a girl a perra, all right?
I thought "perra" just meant "hot girl."
What made you think that?
Whenever grandma sees a hot girl on one of her "telenovas,"
she shouts "perra."
It's telenovelas, Harper.
And don't listen to grandma when she's yelling at the TV,
especially if it's about black people or the Dalai Lama.
I already told mom I would never insult Dakota.
Oh.
- You like this girl. - No.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Do your palms get sweaty when you see her in the cafeteria?
Kind of.
Do you spend hours ironing the perfect crease in your jeans
and practice kissing in the mirror?
- No! - Yeah, me neither.
But here's the thing, Harper. If you like her,
you gotta call her something romantic. Like, like...
La flor mas bonita toda mundo.
I think I'll stick with Dakota.
Dakota's parents are coming, like, now.
Harper, hon, you should probably go upstairs
and do some homework.
Whoa, whoa, hold... hold on.
Harper and I were just talking about what he meant...
Yeah, he likes her. I know.
I'm his mother. Can we discuss this later?
Right now, we need to focus on making a good impression on the Walkers.
Okay. Come on, Harper. Let's run upstairs.
I think this is gonna go fine.
We were uphold by the word your son used with our daughter.
- Oh, George. - Come on. What's the big deal?
Hey, you guys ever been in the mall
and you see a girl by herself walking through
the food court and you look at her,
you're like, "that bitch is fine!"
Perra is something like that.
Then you follow her to the car, you're like...
George. This is Duncan
- and Amanda Walker. - Oh, hey.
I'm George Lopez. Harper's dad.
The truth is that Harper likes Dakota.
He just used the wrong word.
But he and I have had a long talk, and he assured me
that he wouldn't do that again.
Thank you. We appreciate that.
Obviously, we applaud bilingual speech, as long as it's not hate speech.
We are definitely not okay with hate speech,
especially bilingual. That's twice as bad.
Can I get anybody some coffee or soda?
I got some Sauvignon blanc.
No, thanks. So this is your house?
Yeah, it is. Why?
No, it's just... we assumed...
because Mackenzie invited us.
Okay. You assumed it was her house
because somebody who looks like me couldn't possibly
live in a house like this? Yeah.
I keep the donkey in the back.
Panchito! Daddy's coming, mijo!
No offense.
Obviously, you've come a long way, which is great.
It's totally understandable that Harper would have those attitudes.
What attitudes are those, pray tell?
How about I open up that bottle of Sauvignon blanc?
- How about you sit down and let her talk? - Okay.
Well, I'm sure, you know, your culture
has different values regarding gender.
Hey, little mermaid,
who the hell do you think you're talking to?
Wait a minute. George isn't like that.
Yeah, George is one of the good ones.
But I can see how you can think that
because some chicano people are, like, so ghetto.
How they always, like, add a lot of kool-aid with a lot of sugar.
And then they're fighting in he park.
And then they're running, and the helicopter
- chases them, and then... - You can't just...
You can't just come in here and insult him like that.
You have to be married to him first.
George!
Some lady gangbanger is out there vandalizing a car with her shoe.
Is that a Louboutin?
No, it's okay, everyone, it's a knock-off.
Is that that crazy perra?
Wait, you know that her?
Is that the woman you're dating? The amazing individual?
Yes, but... Hang on.
I don't want to stereotype you guys,
but do you guys own a white Prius?
That's our car!
Oh, my god, sweetheart. Isn't that your gynecologist?
Oh, my gosh.
I hope you're happy.
I had to get a new gynecologist.
Que paso con la crazy nudie?
I took care of Claudia. You won't be seeing her again.
I thought you liked her.
She lied to me, George. I don't like liars.
She's not Mexican. She's Venezuelan!
That bitch is out of your life.
Wait a minute, mom. What did you do?
What any mother that loves her son would do.
You told her I wasn't interested.
No, I took her to the garage and showed her your underwear.
She won't be back.
It looked like you sat on an almond joy, cochino.
Ay, the visionaries!
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~