Oh.
Tio. What's going on over there, bro?
You got a little stage fright?
- I'm pacing myself. - Uh, nothing's coming out.
I mean, how do you drink that much beer, play a round of golf, and not pee?
How do you look like that and end up with a woman?
Okay, look. You just drank, like, a case and a half of beer.
I mean, it seems strange.
Hey. You take care of your polo,
I'll take care of mine, okay?
You're a chicano. It's palo.
It's palo if it's little. It's polo if it's big.
Okay, well, my polo works.
- I'm concerned about yours. - Hey.
Here's what you need to understand about us, Georgie.
My Daddy and me, we are highly evolved.
Urine just, like, evaporates out of our pores, okay?
When was the last time urine came out
of your actual polo and not your pores?
Hmm, four days ago. Had a little blood in it.
Now, why would Daddy want to do that again?
1x05 - Superstition
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Hey. These disks, they're not tiny plates.
They're coasters.
I told you they weren't tiny plates.
Oh, Tio, before I forget... hey, man.
I found a doctor to help you with your prostate.
No, thank you, George.
Tio, you gotta get your prostate checked,
and you're too old to be afraid of the doctor.
Oh, "afraid"? Daddy could've been a doctor.
His medulla oblongata is double size.
Hey, I'm like two doctors up here, okay?
"Medulla oblongata"?
Yeah, that's the part of the brain doctors use most.
If you had a double-size medulla oblongata,
you'd know that information.
Okay, but a prostate problem requires an actual medical professional.
Oh, Mr. Big shot needs a medical professional.
What's a medical professional gonna do?
Tell you you're fat and stupid? I do that every day for free.
Yeah, thanks. Hey, and thanks for dumping
your giant, raggedy underwear all over my bananas.
Now I gotta throw 'em out!
And it's Tio that needs a doctor, not me.
Tio?
You gotta take care of yourself.
Remember, you and junior are all that I've got.
Wait, wait. That's not true.
You got a son that despises you very much.
- Georgie, I don't need a doctor, okay? - That's like asking for trouble.
Tio, you need the curandera healer.
She'll heat a brick and put it on your back.
That'll fix you up real good.
Wait a minute. Tio needs a doctor
that's not also running a cockfight outside.
Oh, Octavia. Now, she's good.
She's good.
Tio, have you ever had your prostate checked?
Is that where they do you the finger?
- I'd rather be dead. - Wait a minute.
After 40, every man has to have it done. I've had it done.
- Now the doctor has a story on you. - What story?
That he got you with the finger.
Asi, asi mismo.
He's telling all his doctor friends, "guess who I put the finger on."
Wait a minute. Doctors don't do that.
And denying you're sick doesn't mean that you're not.
Georgie, it's my life. I'll operate it the way I want, okay?
This isn't just your life. This affects junior too.
Okay? Think about it.
As a father, you have a responsibility to your son to do the right thing.
Look at little junior's face. He's almost in tears already!
You want to leave him an orphan at 44? Selfish!
Such a dilemma. Alma.
Throw me one of those underwear bananas.
Yo. Underwear banana me too.
Ow.
So what happened with the so-called doctor?
He ambushed me, from behind. I think he had his ring on.
The doctor said he's gonna be fine.
- I'm not fine! - The doctor gave Daddy some medicine.
He said, if he's not peeing in a few days,
that he's got a medical issue.
A couple days ago, I didn't even know I had a prostrate.
Now, thanks to Saint George and doctor man rapes,
I got a prostrate and a medical issue.
Dual concerns.
Yesterday, Tio was dancing, full of life. Now look at him.
Like his soul has been ripped out of his behind.
It's your fault he's dying, fat-ass.
Listen, if I had the power to make people die,
you wouldn't be standing in the kitchen.
You'd be in an urn with puppies thinking you were a fire hydrant.
Oh, good. I was afraid we'd come in
and there wouldn't be fighting.
Yeah, at Sammy's house, they're always smiling and laughing.
It makes me feel weird.
Tio, what's wrong?
I have a prostrate and a medical condition,
and I may be making a premature "desmise."
- What? - Come on, Tio. Don't be dramatic.
No one's making a premature "desmise."
He has a minor prostate problem. Very small.
Oh, thank goodness.
Nobody knows what lurks in the future, okay?
I want you to have this bracelet.
Tio, it's beautiful. From my brother.
I will cherish it forever.
It has all my information on it.
D.O.B., that means "date of birth."
And toma, for my beloved son, wear this always.
That way, no matter what the happenstance occurs,
I'll be with you in spirit.
Daddy, you're my whole world.
Wait a minute. He gets a big-ass cross,
and all I get is a lousy bracelet?
Okay. I'm taking your gold lighter and your boom box.
You're claiming property from someone who is barely sick.
God willing, but I gotta be ready.
Get the good stuff now before the looters move in.
Yeah, the looters, otherwise known as "family."
- Very heartwarming, Alma. - Listen, tummy tuck...
when my father died, I went to get some kleenex,
and the cousins grabbed everything. So never again.
If anybody's gonna get drunk listening to "Jose Jose"
on dead Tio's boom box, it's gonna be me.
See, this right here is why people have wills.
Yes, people do. Mexicans don't.
- You do. - No, I don't.
Yeah, of course you do. Right after Harper was born.
You told me you drew one up.
I did tell you that, didn't I?
I thought you were still under the influence of your third epidural.
Oh, my god. You never drew one up. Why?
Making a will is like making a reservatn for death.
That's true.
Everybody I've known who's had a will... has died.
Oh, my god.
Having a will doesn't make you more likely to die.
How can you even think that that makes sense?
The same reason you think it makes sense to inject bacteria into your forehead.
This is not about me. You have a son.
What if something happens to you?
- You have to do this for him. - Yeah, do the right thing for your son.
That's what you told Daddy
right before he was violated by the butt doctor.
Si, Georgie.
Don't be selfish. Do it for your son.
Thank you, Tio.
All right. You know what, if it makes sense for my son,
then you know what, I'll make a will.
- Okay. - All right.
I'll call the mortuary and tell them to order a fat boy coffin.
What people leave behind when they're gone is important.
That's how we understand who they were. Like the pyramids...
When you think pyramids,
you think Egyptians, right? That's wrong.
All right, the Egyptians did build pyramids.
But the Maya built the pyramids first and better.
The Maya pyramids are amazing monuments and feats of engineering.
The Egyptian pyramids are basically just
storage units to hold dead people and their stuff.
So the Mayans didn't bury their stuff with them?
They did not. And even now, Latinos, we don't.
Our valuables go to the relative who can get to the house first
and carry a flat-screen TV on their back
while they got a lamp under each arm.
Mr. Lopez, the online community pretty much agrees
that aliens actually built the pyramids.
How else would Maya have such advanced knowledge
of astronomy and math?
There you go. Huh? People find it easier
to believe in space aliens than in smart Mexicans.
Daddy, I can't wear this anymore
'cause it's a constant reminder of your mortality,
and it's turning my neck green.
All right, family, you're here as witnesses to my will.
You're also in charge of my end-of-life decisions, so...
hoo, so let's start with my "do not resuscitate" order.
- When to pull the plug. - Pull the plug? I'll kick the plug out!
You won't be able to reach it from the grave. Now, shut up.
Let's get to the important stuff.
Who gets your fancy wineglasses?
Those will be gone before I finish dialing 911.
Hang... hang on.
Because this is a tremendous responsibility.
For instance, will your disability checks
cover the cost of the electricity to keep you alive?
Wait a minute. So I live or die based on the utility bill?
Georgie, if you're in a vegetarian state,
we may have to amortize all the cost.
Wait a minute... I would expect this from her, Tio, but from you?
What you let that doctor do to my culo
has hardened me to the outside world.
- Hey, Dad. What are you doing? - I'm signing my will.
- What? Your will? - Yeah, your Dad's dying.
Now do you feel bad you don't put your toys away?
- Dying? - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Don't ever listen to your grandma. Okay? I'm not dying.
Although I wouldn't rule out murder.
I'm going to live a very long time.
- Okay? - Okay.
A will is just something to let people know what to do with
your stuff in case something happens to me, which it won't.
Zachary's grandpa fell off a sailboat,
and he got a bunch of Google stock.
Hey, listen, man. Don't look so happy when you say that.
Hey. But if there were something
of mine I could leave you, son, what would you want?
I don't know, Dad. You know me. You pick.
- I know the right thing. - Just not your record collection.
You have no idea what he wants.
This is bad. He's my son. I should know what he wants.
That's sad, Georgie. That's just sad.
See, Daddy knows what I'd want.
My Corvette, some velour neck pillows,
and a giant box of electrical cords and whatnots.
Daddy, you remembered the cords.
And the whatnots, mijo.
Okay, come on. Can we focus? I'm signing my will.
Ah... ooh. Ah. I felt a twinge.
There it is. Stroke!
It's not a stroke. It's probably from golf.
No, it's not from golf. It's from the will.
You made a reservation for death and went right to the front of the line.
- Where are those wineglasses? - I sent them to your next home.
You're gonna be living in Tio's box of electrical cords and whatnots.
Alma.
Did you tell my son that George is dying?
Death is part of life. He's gotta learn.
But George isn't dying. And if and when he does die,
Harper does not need to know that rats will eat his eyeballs.
I just said "balls."
- Oh. - Hey. He signed the will.
Why are you putting a red sticker on George's wineglasses?
And why is there a red sticker on the guitar and on the table...
You are claiming George's things.
You care more about your son's belongings than your son.
I care about my son.
But I can't drink kahlua out of him when he's gone.
That's disgusting.
And I should get those wineglasses.
They were a wedding gift from my parents.
Oh. So that's how we're playing this.
- That one's mine. - I thought you said George wasn't dying.
He isn't. But I don't want you thinking you have dibs.
- Mine. - Your parents didn't give you that.
George bought it.
I supported him and helped him launch his business.
- I gave him life. - I gave him a career.
I had a long and painful childbirth.
I had sex with him for 12 years.
Let me help you carry these glasses to the car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you're not supposed to take that with alcohol.
I drink all day.
I either take it with alcohol, or I don't take it.
It hasn't worked anyway. He still hasn't peed.
Not even in the shower, which is Daddy's way of multitasking.
Damn. What the hell is going on today?
The golf course, a bird flew away with my sandwich.
What kind of crazy-ass bird flies away with a chicken sandwich?
That's cannibalism.
It's because you signed that will. You got it. El ojo malo.
Si, you got the bad mojo.
- That's superstition. - Yeah, but you believe it.
Well, you know, a little bit.
I mean, you grow up with that stuff.
You know, "don't put your shoes on the bed.
Don't let somebody sweep your feet.
Don't let somebody with red hair touch you."
I mean, you grow up with that. It messes with your head, man.
Yeah, well, that's why latinos also grow up with tequila.
I mean, I'm tempting fate already as a successful Mexican.
Signing a will is like saying to death:
"Yo, death, over here! The rich brown one."
You made yourself a target. Money, a country club membership,
soft hands from doing zero manual labor.
You're full of criteriars.
It's not gonna end well. I'm gonna end up dying alone
with my Mom thinking I'm taking a nap, looking in on me...
"oh, he's so blue. Let's let him sleep."
I really thought we were going to outlive her.
Are you crazy? At the end of the world,
it's just gonna be my Mom and cockroaches
on her shoulder, braiding her hair.
Junior, when I die,
I want you to promise me you won't be sad.
Because I already made peace with the thin reaper.
I've lived a good life, mijo.
Yeah.
You got friends high up in the pirated movie trade,
a '69 'Vette that's only missing the seats and two wheels.
When I go, all that's yours.
Just do one thing.
Put a decal with my name in the back window.
Absolutely. And I already know what it's gonna say.
"Daddy, the wheels beneath my wings."
That's beautiful, mijo.
George, did you figure out what Harper
would want you to leave him?
No, and I've been thinking about it a lot.
So what are you gonna leave him?
Your gold watch? Your guitar collection?
You know what?
We grow up thinking that when someone dies,
what they leave us shows how much they care.
Like, you know, "he left me his TV," or, "he left me his car."
But none of that matters.
The only thing that matters are the... are the relationships.
I'm coming in for a hug, Daddy.
You see, this is what I'm talking about, right here.
I spent so much time trying to get all this stuff that I
couldn't build the one thing that I should be leaving my son...
a relationship with his father. And I failed.
And now you have that death will hanging over your head.
You're gonna die before you get the chance.
We should do what Alma does whenever things are hopeless.
What, go through people's mail until we find a preapproved credit card?
No, go to church. We're in need of a miracle.
Hey.
You think it's okay to be inebriated in the church?
They serve wine three times a day,
so they obviously have a liquor license.
Show some respect, okay?
I studied to be a priest, but, alas, my flesh was weak.
Well... let's just light a candle
and lift the death curse off your head and heal Daddy's palo.
I saw Saint Peter on the way in,
but I don't think he navigates in that region.
Well, let's light all the candles and cover all the bases.
What's that smell, junior?
Ay! My leg's on fire!
I'm on fire! Junior!
That's holy water! Ay!
Junior!
- Tio, turn that thing off! - Sweet Jesus, I'm peeing!
It's out. The fire's out.
Georgie, it's a miracle! Rejoice! My prostate!
- It's cured. - And my shoes are soaked.
Hey, you owe me for another pair of orthotics...
the good ones where you put your feet in the wax.
Georgie, you were on fire, and you didn't die.
- It was divine invention. - It was pee!
Okay, look, maybe making a will doesn't mean you're gonna die.
Although being soaked in your uncle's pee makes you want to.
Let's go rejoice.
I haven't been this wet in church since I got baptized.
That's a 50.
20.
Dad, I'm just not good at golf.
No one is good at golf.
- Then why do you play it? - Because it's fun.
How is it fun if you don't know how to play it?
That's one of the many mysteries of life that I can
teach you now that we're spending more time together.
Hey, and maybe we'll both learn what language
Uncle Tio is actually speaking.
- I did have fun hanging out with you. - Me too, Harper.
Hey, and we're going to do it a lot more.
Come on. You are my monument.
Dad, Dad, you're kind of hurting my arm.
That's where I get my allergy shots.
Okay, well, my monument is a work in progress.
But it took 50,000 men more than 30 years to build a pyramid.
The pause that refreshes. Boy, that felt good.
Hey, the bathroom is right there. You guys can't pee outside.
Come on, man. Half the fun of golf is peeing outdoors.
Hey, Georgie, watch out. That's my doctor.
Hey, doc, doc! I'm cured!
Son of a bitch. You were right, Tio.
- He does have a story on you! - I told you!
Daddy, wait!
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~