Albert pujols, que te pasa?
No tengo mucha energia.
Ay, toma eso!
Ay, la energia!
La energia.
It's a home run.
Look at you, sitting here
on a saturday night
watching yourself on tv.
I was enjoying myself.
Can I tell you something and you won't get mad?
You're fat, boring, and stupid.
Yeah, why would I get mad at that?
Ay, por dios, that's why you don't have a woman in your life.
I'm not interested in dating, okay?
I'm putting all my energy into my work.
Work?
Work is when you get calluses and Backaches
digging ditches, laying bricks,
picking lettuce.
What do you do?
Sit on your ass and play with juice.
For your information, la energia
is now the fifth-largest energy drink.
That cat pee?
All you did was combine some cactus juice
with enough caffeine to shut down your organs.
Genius.
Well, whatever it is, it's working, okay?
I'm expanding into three new markets,
and now into the Philippines.
Beautiful.
Now they got something to drink
while they make baskets with their feet.
Baskets with their feet?
Mom, the philippines is one of the oldest
and richest cultures in the world.
They make baskets with their feet.
What do you want me to tell you?
Now they'll make 'em faster.
There you go, Harper.
Don't tell your mom you're playing without a helmet.
Yo, Georgie!
Hey, junior was helping me find my blood pressure medicine,
and we found these old pictures.
Yeah, and some Candy.
Hey, Georgie, I'm keeping this one.
Oh, which one? Which one? Which one?
Let me see.
Oh, yeah, daddy, you gotta take that one to the bar and show all the people.
Hey, they'll all be laughing, giving us free drinks.
Harper, honey, come on.
It's time for your music lesson.
Okay, mom.
Oh, lady Mac.
You are a beautiful ray of sunscreen.
Thank you, Tio.
That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me in this house.
Who's this?
That's a picture of the Brown M&M
when he was a preteen.
Oh, look! He's so chubby and cute!
His face is all scrunched up.
He looks like a little mexican bulldog.
He's got, like, a little under-bite.
He's like, wah, wah, wah, wah.
Okay, all right.
Enough with the compliments, I can't take it!
Oh, my God, look!
It's our wedding photo.
Oh, my God, look at us.
We are so young and naive.
Yeah, I wish I knew then what it was gonna cost me now.
I'm ready to go, mom. Okay, honey.
Harper, remember, the chiropractor said don't carry the bassoon on your back.
I still look the same.
How long has it been, Georgie?
Like, what, a year?
13 months, junior.
13 months?
Without any personal, like, intercourse?
Georgie, you need to get out there more, man.
You're not getting no younger!
Whoa, whoa, look at his hair, daddy.
It's getting all gray.
You should see my friend Larry. Jet-black hair.
He's out there every night-- Sassa-Sass-- Knocking it out.
Larry told me, "Tell your fat cousin,
when he's ready to start dating, I can hook him up."
That's nice. Right? Yeah.
All right.
Hey, thursday.
You make it Harder when you don't study.
Oh, you wanted to see me?
Undressed.
What?
Ay, jorjito, I love this little touch of gray.
Does the carpet match the drapes?
I don't have carpet.
I'm more hardwood floor.
Right now, I'm the opposite of hard wood.
Hmm.
I need to speak to you in my office.
Okay.
Come in. Shut the door.
Oh.
I'd rather not.
Have a seat.
Uh, you know, I'd prefer to stand.
You know, um, every time you see me, you hit on me.
Then let me hit it, and I'll quit hitting on you.
Um...
You know, I'm at this school to teach.
Okay.
Hmm.
Right.
In case you're wondering, I'm wearing a thong.
Yeah, I was kinda guessing big-girl panties.
I know you, George.
I know you've undressed me with your eyes.
I've done a lot of things with my eyes,
and right now, I'm thinking about sewing 'em shut.
Okay.
All right. Okay. Okay.
I can tell, it's too soon after your divorce.
I see. You're not ready.
You're not ready to enjoy. No.
To indulge. It's okay, I'll wait.
You better not, you know? I'm on a lot of heart medicine.
And I could go like that.
You're so bad! Ay!
Yo, Georgie. Hey.
We're gonna put you back in the dating world.
Here.
Toma.
What are you doing with my phone?
I'm bringing you to the 21st dimension.
You ever heard of sexting?
Whoa, hey.
I'm not ready to date with my penis or yours.
No, all the kids are doing it.
Everybody's throwing pictures of their shillelaghs out there.
Oh, junior, come on. It's touching the screen, man!
Shut up! Let him do his work!
There you go.
Oh...
Feast your eyes on this.
Let me see that, mijo.
Damn! That's my boy!
Hey.
And that's without notice.
Is that supposed to be me?
You wish it was you.
I'm gonna text it to a few people.
The worm is on the hook. Let's see what you can catch.
I'm gonna text it to this dude at the market too.
Well, why?
He's a good dude.
Eh?
Okay, delete that, now!
Easy. Just one push of the button. Boom, it's erased. See?
Yeah, but it's not erased from my mind.
Like a flaccid tootsie roll.
Yo, fool, tonight we're going to el sueno.
I have to teach tonight.
"I have to teach tonight."
After class, ese, it's on,
because el Sueno is jumping.
All kinds of chicks, right, daddy?
Hey, most of them,
we're old enough to be their dads.
All right, that's disgusting.
I know, George! That's why we should go!
Hey! Give them something to regret!
Look, I haven't dated out of respect for Mackenzie.
You do realize that the only two women in your life
is your mom and ex-wife?
Georgie, what kind of mexican are you?
You should have all kinds of kids showing up out of nowhere!
With luggage!
What do I want all kinds of kids for?
To help you move, to help you do the yard work,
to answer the door, to get you a cigarette.
Yeah, that's what I do for daddy. Here you go.
If I dated, it would be embarrassing for Mackenzie.
I mean, you saw the way she looked at the wedding picture.
Man, she's still all in love.
Ay, Georgie. Dile, dile. Dile!
Tell him now.
I don't think so, bro.
I've seen her out with some dudes.
What, you mean in a group, right?
No, man. One on one.
With hors D'oeuvres.
And if the dude's paying For hors d'oeuvres,
he's trying to get to the bottom of it.
The fine print, Georgie.
Come on, junior, you don't think
you should've told me this before?
I am telling you now.
Look, she's out there,
living it up, getting it on,
talking low, sitting outside.
And if they're already sitting outside,
they're getting it on.
Daddy always says, if I can get 'em outside,
I can get it on. That's right!
Showing her toes.
Showing her toes?
Ah, this guy.
You don't know nothing, do you, Georgie?
If they're showing their toes--If they're showing
their toes, it means they're letting it out!
Letting everybody know they got no corns, bunions,
inhibitions, all ten nails!
Sometimes, on the little toe,
if the nail falls off--
they just paint the skin.
Okay, have you two guys been painting cars
with the garage door closed again?
Georgie, you're a very rigid individual.
You have to stop thinking about everything.
You have to get out there and have some fun!
Look, Mac is out there, having fun.
Showing toes.
You're right.
I mean, Mackenzie's dating
and I'm here at home, being insulted by my mom.
That's what I'm talking about!
We're gonna get out there,
and we're gonna attack it!
George!
Like a bull in a doughnut shop!
Yo!
Dad, have you seen my inhaler?
Uh, yeah. Here it is.
Hey, why don't you go breathe over there?
Are you dying your hair?
I'm trying a new shampoo.
Shouldn't you be in the shower then?
Shouldn't you be on the other side of that door then?
Harper, honey, did you find your inhaler?
Yeah.
Are you dying your hair?
That's funny to you, huh?
Hey, Harper, honey, go downstairs.
I'll be down in a minute.
You know, I'm just a little prematurely gray.
At your age, it's not premature.
Do you even know what you're doing?
Did you read the directions?
I never read the instructions.
What's so hard?
You put it on, and when it stops burning,
you rinse it out.
Oh, my God. Let me help.
So, you're trying to look younger.
You got a hot date or something?
No, I don't have a hot date.
Why? Do you have a hot date?
What's that supposed to mean?
Junior told me, Mac, that you started dating.
Hold on. You're not jealous, are you?
Of what? Of you dating?
Come on, I'm a man. Men don't get jealous.
Oh.
So has anybody--
that's disgusting.
And also it's really none of your business.
So what do you do with Harper?
You leave him with me
while you're out there showing your toes?
Showing my toes?
You really don't know anything, do you?
You know what? Forget this.
You can do it yourself.
Well, fine.
Well, I'm glad you're dating again.
Oh? I'm thrilled.
In fact, I think it's healthy.
Tonight, me, junior, and Tio, we're all going to el sueno.
Good for you. Yeah.
And I'll probably go out the next night,
the night after that, the night after that.
Then I'll probably take a night off, then I'll probably
go out, like, four nights in a row.
George, do not turn this into a competition.
I'm not competing.
But as soon as my scalp stops burning, it's on.
All right. I hope you're ready.
You have 20 minutes-- there you go--
to complete this test.
Is that your Porsche Cayenne in the parking lot?
Yeah. You know what it is?
So what did you do?
I mean, this teaching thing's gotta be
some court-ordered community service.
Oh, really? You don't think I'm here because
maybe I possibly want to be here?
No. Come on, what was it?
Is it cocaine? Weed?
How'd you get that fine new car, ese?
I beat a white kid to death.
Good luck tonight, Mr. L. What are you talking about?
I can smell your cologne from the back of the room.
Expensive suit, shoes all shined,
new hair-- You look hot.
That's inappropriate, young lady.
Ay, papi!
There is something about you tonight.
I think it's in the air.
Or it could be me. I'm very hormonal right now.
Georgie, hey!
Let's go. El sueno time!
Oh, I've never been to el sueno.
I've always wanted to go.
It's a wonderful dining experience.
Ay, dios mio!
I'm George's uncle.
I'm George's boss, Concepcion.
I never realized such beauty walked the halls
of this particular institution.
Yeah, well, you went to the pet shop once
and tried to buy Mickey Mouse.
Please, tell me if I'm being too gallant.
You're being too gallant.
Not you, stupid. Her!
Come on. Excuse us. Come on, man, let's go.
What is wrong with you?
Man, look at homegirl's wearing the hell out of that dress.
She sure is.
That's a lot to ask spandex to do.
Ay, I'm so bad!
Come on, let's go.
Tio, you were right,
There are some fine women here tonight.
And they're all waiting for you, Georgie,
because you look so "Capitating."
George. Vodka rocks with a lemon twist.
Tio and junior, amaretto sour.
Thanks, Chloe.
Okay, look around the room, Georgie.
Set the bar.
All right, set the bar.
Oh, how about that one right there?
Uh, set the bar lower, Georgie.
Oh...
That one.
Lower.
There's your girl right there.
Her? Yeah.
All you have to do is walk up to her and say,
"Hello."
Buy her a drink.
Hey, hey, and if she don't want a drink,
buy her something deep-fried, like potato skins.
She'll be all flattered.
You guys really think I'm that sad?
Yeah. Go on. Come on, Georgie.
Go on, go on.
Georgie, she's waiting for you.
She's waiting. Shh!
Good luck.
What happened? You got shot down already?
I didn't even get to the potato skin part.
Okay, let's all try one together.
All right?
How about those three girls over there?
No, man, they're so young. Exactly!
We're going in. Relax.
And don't talk. Let daddy do all the talking.
Now, look, Georgie.
Look mysterious
and remotely confused, like this. Watch out.
All right. And walk like a man!
Come on.
Not interested.
Not interested in spending the evening
with three fascinating individuals?
You guys are, like, old enough to be our dads.
If they bother you too much, use this.
Pepper spray.
That pepper spray, that won't stop me.
I love hot Food.
For my daddy, that's more of a condiment
than a deterrent.
What are you talking about? This stuff burns.
Pepper spray doesn't work on you?
My daddy doesn't succumb to pain.
How can it affect everyone else but you?
Fortunately, I was born without tear ducts.
Spray me right between the eyes.
Oh, okay, listen, Tio. Don't get too crazy, okay?
Nobody's gonna get sprayed.
Spray him! Do it!
No, no.
Look at this, ladies. Oh...
Have you ever seen a mexican bulldog?
Okay. Put that thing away.
Look at the boobies!
They're fantastic. Wow.
Aren't they divine? That's enough.
They never even jiggled when he ran.
That's enough.
That's why this fool hasn't had a woman in--
Aah!
My eyes! Oh, my eyes!
Ay, god damn, my eyes!
Oh, you son of a bitch!
Daddy, don't leave me!
Oh, hi. Are you alone?
No, I'm by myself.
That's different.
There's no shame in sitting alone.
Did you come down here to check up on me?
What? Are you jealous?
Jealous?
I'm the one already dating.
I thought this wasn't a competition.
But if it was, you'd be losing.
Nice.
What's this?
Aww, your cute little picture.
God, great boobs, by the way.
Tio and junior trying to get free drinks?
Tio got pepper sprayed.
He's in the men's room crying.
Pepper sprayed? Again?
So...
did you hit on any women yet?
Excuse me, I'm a gentleman, okay?
I don't hit on women. Oh.
Those three right there, I bought them potato skins.
It's been 15 years since I've been out looking for women,
and I wasn't good at it 15 years ago.
That's True.
We never would've met if I hadn't talked to you first.
I saw you coming over to me, and I was like,
"Oh, my god, please, don't come over here and talk to me.
I'm gonna pretend I don't speak english."
Really? Why did you think that?
Well, to be honest, look at you.
You were way out of my league.
I still am.
George, listen.
If you're gonna be dating, just promise me one thing.
When you approach a woman- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna tell me how to approach a woman?
Yes.
Listen, the reason you're so awkward around women
is that you still feel like this:
A shy, 10-year-old mexican boy.
You know, women, they pick up on this stuff, George.
Yeah, can women pick up when a man
doesn't want to have a conversation anymore?
You're not Alma's little boy anymore.
Come on, you're a successful businessman
who created the sixth-most popular energy drink.
Fifth.
See?
So show women that side, huh?
The confident you.
You know, and then if you're not too scared,
you can show 'em some of that tenderness
you like to hide from everybody.
That's what I fell in love with.
Who knows, maybe you'll fool 'em long enough to--
Hee-Hoo, Hee-Hoo.
Sa-Sass!
Twice? Forget it.
Why don't you come have a drink with me and my friends?
No, you go have fun with your friends.
I'm okay. All right.
Hey, Chloe.
I want to buy that lady right there a drink.
All right, old man.
Oh, hey.
He's on the bathroom floor with his eyes swollen shut.
You can't miss him. He's the one without tear ducts.
Hi. Are you alone?
I am alone. Would you care to join me?
Thank you for the drink. You're welcome.
That's a-- That's a beautiful dress.
Thank you. It's new.
My hair's new.
It was a lot grayer this morning.
I think it looks great.
Cheers.
Beat it, bitch.
I'm right here, and I've been drinking.
Why don't you go over there before you get hurt, huh?
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, you so bad, papi!
I got your picture! You sexted me, tigre!
What? I didn't sext you.
Liar. I was charging my phone, and look what popped up.
Bam! Whoo!
Okay, that's not me.
Well, there's only one way to prove it.
Like Cinderella, see if it fits.
And if it doesn't fit... better.
Ay...
Mijo! Mijo, don't lose me, mijo.
You're the wind beneath my arms.
Georgie, they're taking my daddy to the cedars.
You know what? I better go with them.
You know, they're family. They don't have I.D.
One of them is undocumented.
I'm gonna take my drink, though.
Hello, ladies.
Is everything to your satisfaction?
Ay, you so bad.
Ooh, it grows. Oy.
Whoo.
What are you watching?
You came home alone? Figures.
You gotta tell them you got money.
That's how old guys like you get girls.
Listen, I am a successful latino businessman, okay?
There are lots of girls that would love
to be in a relationship with me.
Can I tell you something and you won't get mad?
Probably not.
The longest relationship you've ever had
is with your hand.
Wha--
The other hand.
Not that it's any of your business,
but I do think I'm gonna start dating again.
Perfecto.
That's what the dating world needs,
another fat-ass out there.
You know what? I'll be all right.
You can look everywhere,
but you'll never find another woman.
Better than your mother.
Oh, my god, you almost had me.
You-- Don't touch me with that hand!
Cochino!
Are these yours? Mira!