Created by: Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com
Our show was taped before a live studio audience.
- Hey kids! - Hey... hey
Hello my love.
Oh, rose! Aouh!
To what do I owe this surprise?
To the neighbors who are outta town till Friday.
You stole the neighbors flowers?
For the woman who stole my heart.
(Phone ringing) I got it.
Don't bother.
It's just gonna be another girl for Trent.
I got it.
It hasn't stopped ringing since we got home from school.
Girls are calling Trent? Why?
Starting quarterback sprained his ankle and will be out playing the game on Saturday.
But Trent is the third-string quarterback.
The backup quarterback is having panic attacks.
Someone found him on the girl's bathroom asking for his binkie.
Whoah!
It isn't funny. Now I have to find another date for the semi formal.
Starting quarterback? Why didn't he call me at the office to tell me?
Oh, you know Trent.
He's not one to get excited about, well, anything.
Even I had to hear it about from Tiffy.
Who's Tiffy?
Oh, some pixie sounding cheerleader who called me Ma'am!
I am 20 years away from being called Ma'am.
Yes Ma'am.
Hey Pop's.
Hey man. I just heard the great news.
Starting quarterback for the Fighting Marmits. Way to go, son!
Feels good to shower after a hard practice, doesn't it?
I haven't showered yet.
Okay.
Man, look at all these girls who wanna come over and kick it.
You know when I was your age, if a girl said she wanted to come over and kick it,
I'd make sure I was wearing a cup.
Oh, man, I forgot to take mine off.
Son, this could be a great opportunity for you.
Yeah I mean I never imagined all these girls wanna talk to me
And this isn't just girls, dad, this is a whole other class of girls.
Juniors.
I'm telling you, you take this seriously, this could be the start of big things for you.
Do you have any idea how many president of this country
played quarterback for their high schools?
Two.
I think you're right.
Anyway, anyway. Listen, I got an idea.
We got a couple minutes before dinner, you're still sweaty.
So what do you say we throw the old ball around?
Yeah, right on.
What's P.I.R? - Parent In Room.
Alright well, "DFT TAS". "Don't Forget To Take A Shower"
Still P.I.R.
- Yeah. - Trent!
- Alright, I gotta go. - Thank you.
I'm shutting this off till dinner's over.
Sorry.
See what I did there?
Quarterback's gotta learn to think on his feet. Pass me the potatoes.
Get it? Quarterback pass me the potatoes?
That's my bad. Receiver's gotta go up and get that.
Oh my god! Are we this family now. All about the quaterback?
Lauren can't you be happy for your brother?
No, no, no, we can talk about something else.
Like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.
Why would you want to do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.
Yeah. You are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Why? How is the navel piercing any different than an ear-piercing?
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here.
How about if I pierced my tongue? Nobody'll know I have it, if I don't open my mouth.
Oh, I'm for that.
Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out.
You know that is a great point, honey.
I see these kids in the mall, the look like they run into a nail gun
I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Mom?
Don't look at me, I'm trying to figure out what your father is doing at the mall.
Good meatloaf.
Hey, who was the guy who invented the cotton gin?
Eli Whitney. And I bet his dad didn't let him
sit on a stupid computer typing nonsense words like BFF's and GF's.
You spell Eli with an I.
Alright Bill what's wrong? I can't even get Trent to toss the ball around.
He's doing this quarterback thing like he does everything else half assed
Well, he's a happy teenager. He'll eventually do things full assed.
Well, yeah sure but we want him to be strong motivating independent.
You know, a good person.
If he keeps going the way he's going, he's gonna end up working on a car wash.
Bill, that won't happen, he's got plenty of time to pull his life together.
And what if he doesn't. He becomes one of those 35-year-old guys who still lives at home.
Look at the bright side. There probably won't be any girls calling
and we will have clean cars.
Looks like you and Dad are going to practice.
I really wished you'd get something pierced already and take the heat off of me.
Hey Brad.
- Who? - Brett Favre.
- Oh god! - Take fast.
Awesome, Dad.
Oh, oh, oh, Trent, Trent... She'll get that. Come here
Now, look. I've set these targets up. Now, I want you to hit them with the ball.
Right on.
Hey.
What would my favorite husband like for dinner tonight?
Pizza or pork chops?
Oh, pork chops.
What?
No, I was just kind of hoping not to have to do the whole big thing for dinner tonight.
Porkchops are not even thawed out.
Okay, then pizza... - No, no, you obviously want pork chops.
I just wished you'd give me a little more heads up next time.
When you do that, it hurts right here.0
(Door bell)
I got it.
Oh, he can't run like that on the field.
Lighten up, Bill. It's just a game.
This from a woman who took art classes just so she could win at Pictionary.
Says the looser.
And by the way this is not just about the game.
Once Trent realises how good it feels to succeed,
he's gonna want to succeed at everything.
And then my job is done.
Hi.
Mom, Dad, this Marissa and... well you know me.
I'm Susan. And this is... Bill!
We're gonna go uptairs to study.
Oh wait. There's drink in the fridge if you get thirsty.
Better yet, just leave the door open and yell down.
Whoa! That's 16?
What were you doing? - What?
I was reading her shirt.
I see words, I read them.
I got to tell you. With girls like Marissa and shirts like that,
it's time you talk to him about protection
Me? - Yes, you.
(Laughing loudly)
Do it soon.
And this is your heart line.
You're sincere, respectful and considerate.
Cool.
I never really looked at my hands before.
(Marissa laughing)
You never really washed your hands before.
Hey, Marissa.
Did you know that 80% of all infectious diseases are passed on by human contact.
Trent is the vast breeding ground for microbes, and now so are you.
Um, can I use your bathroom?
It's just down the hall.
Alright, about a little privacy, brother.
If I leave you're gonna start kissing her with your tongue and she's gonna end up pregnant.
You don't get a girl pregnant by kissing her with your tongue.
Really?
How do you have to kiss her then?
You mean Dad hasn't give you the talk yet?
(Ironically) You see son when a man and a woman really love each other...
(Laughing) Trust me it's a riot.
What is all that orange stuff insideTrent's playbook?
Ah! Chili fry.
Mother, father. Listen, I know you said you didn't want me to get pierced,
but I want you to look at something.
Sweetheart, why is this so important to you?
Because it's cool and it's a way to express my individuality.
Sweetie, it's a trend. And people who follow trends are sheep. We are not sheep.
Well, you had a perm, a mustache and a denim jumpsuit.
You look maaaad.
And Mom. Big hair, shoulder pads and strapped pants.
It's a Halloween costume.
Oh my god, it's not.
Okay this was a really nice presentation Lauren,
but God gave you all the holes you're ever gonna need.
What your father is trying to say is no piercings.
You guys are so... old.
So were you in some sort of Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band?
Easy "Oh Mickey, your so fine"
Who oh oh. Where are you going. I was just going to get you.
Dad, the coach said that I'm doing fine and that I don't need any extra help.
Yeah? Did the coach teach you how to put on a condom?
Okay, I don't know what football was like when you were playing,
but we're generally just a passing-catch situation.
Come on this will be easy.
Now, with all the attention you've been getting from the ladies lately,
- Dad... - Look,
I'm not encouraging you to have sex,
but if you ever find yourself in the position to do it,
I want you to be prepared and responsible.
Sex is a serious business.
Now, which of these would you say you are?
A string bean?
That was just to break the tension.
Now...
Dad, you don't have to do this. I'm not planning of having sex anytime soon.
Okay, good, good. But promise me, when you're ready, we'll talk.
Yeah, for sure, I'll send you a card.
- Hey, whoah, whoah, whoah, one more thing. - Yeah Dad?
Listen, this saturday if the other team picks up on you passing rhythm,
give them a pump fake,
that'll freeze their linebacker and your wide receiver will be open on the sideline.
Great, yeah, good stuff.
Listen if you have any other suggestion, just write them down
on my playbook like you've been doing, that helps.
This is such a cool chair.
What do you think I should get? Gold or silver?
Maybe I'll get one of each.
Take a deep breath and hold it.
What game is that?
It's called paying bills. And there's no winning.
Mom, I found this autographed photo of Brett Fabre outside my door,
and I think Dad signed it himself.
What makes you think that?
Well you see it says, "To Trent. Good luck at the game on saturday. Love, Brett."
Yeah, it looks like your Dad handwriting.
He's driving me crazy with all these quaterback stuff.
I know, I know. Sweetheart, he just wants you to do your best.
Well yeah but I was happy as third string.
'Cause the coach leaves you alone and you get to hang out and drink Gatorade
and you get a great seat for the game.
Don't worry about it, he'll be proud of you no matter what.
No, he won't.
Honey, he just want you to have fun, that's all.
No, he doesn't Mom.
Can you do me a big favor?
Yeah, sure.
Can you tell him not to come?
Trent, honey, why don't you think about this?
Well, I have. And I won't do my best if I know he's watching.
But, what if he sit way in the back and you don't even see him?
He's sitting on my brain, Mom.
Okay.
- Thank you. - Alright.
Okay, okay, I can do this.
But first, I deserve those new shoes.
Bill, honey.
Still fits.
Whoah.
- Whoah. - Yeah.
I'm thinking about wearing it at the game.
Yeah, yeah, you know...
There's something that I need to tell you,
and I've been trying to figure out the best way to do it,
but I think I'll just say it.
Out family wants for nothing.
Yeah.
You are a wonderful provider.
Where is this going?
Trent doesn't want you at the game tomorrow.
Best Dad ever.
He said that.
Well, I added the best dad thing but really he doesn't want you there.
He thinks that he'll play better if you're not there.
Well, why wouldn't he just come to me?
Because you're his Dad. He's scared of disappointing you.
Well, what do you think I should do?
Well, what do you think you should do?
Oh, don't do that.
We already have one family therapist in this house.
You know what, I'm gonna talk to him.
No, no, no, don't Bill.
Okay.
Will you do me a favor?
Oh, you know I hate these favors.
Alright, alright, whatever.
Just tell him to try that pump fake I showed him.
Okay sure.
And one more thing, help me get out of this jersey.
Bryan, Lauren, come on, we're gonna be late.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, yeah I'm fine.
I was gonna hang out here at the house, listen to the game at the radio.
If I can find AM radio/
How is it that we have a DVD player, CD player, TiVo and a cable box.
Where the hell is the AM radio?
What's AM radio?
It was the iPod for the dinosaurs.
Hi, daddy.
Oh, you have really bad timing young lady.
Dad, listen before you go ballistics
No, no, no, I was looking for a reason to use my pliers today.
Lauren I cannot believe you did this after we told you not to.
I know, you guys must be really disappointed in me,
and if you want me to leave,
I met these really trustworthy guys down at the piercing place
and they saif I could move in with them.
- Psyched - Oh, I don't believe...
Yeah, you kids think you're funny but you can't take back heart damage.
I didn't not do it because of what you guys said.
I thought about it rationally and I made a mature decision.
Big needle got to you?
Not as much as the scary guy holding it.
Alright, you guys have fun.
You're sure you're gonna be okay?
I will be.
Go Marmits.
(Over Speaker) Trent Pearson taking his first snap from center and is gonna pass.
He drops back and it looks like he'll be sacked
Oh...
Wait, looks like he got away and he's running for a first down.
Yes, there you go.
Oh, but it looks like it's gonna be holding against the offense.
Oh...
No wait, the penalty is going against the defense.
Whooh.
Marmits have a first out.
Yes, there you go, now.
Well folks, one of these two teams is gonna get there first win today.
It all comes down to this play.
Yeah come on baby, come on.
Here's the snap, Pearson dropping back, walking, walking...
No, no, no, no...
Oh...
Your station carry the game. How can you not know the final score?
The Marmit game.
Well, is there someone there who is authorized to give me that information?
Oh, don't put me on hold.
Oh god, they lost.
No, they won.
They won?
I wish I could have heard it.
Oh, oh, oh...
You taped the game?
- I taped the game. - You taped the game!
Smart and hot. Than you lord.
I gotta watch that last play.
- Hey Dad. - Hey Trent.
We won.
Yeah, we were just gonna watch the end of the game.
Oh cool.
Oh, come on.
Oh do you mind? I had my eyes closed a lot of that last play.
See, the pump fake was just like you saif it would.
Yeah, sometimes your dad has good ideas.
I'mp roud of you son.
Thanks Dad.
And maybe I could be a little more focus and try a little harder.
I'll say.
Buy you're happy and that what's important.
So are you gonna come to the next game?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Raoul's coming back.
Who?
The starting quaterback.
So, I won't be playing but you can still watch me sit on the bench.
Well, you got a better passing record than Raoul, maybe they'll put you... - Bill!
And if they don't it's perfectly fine.
(Cellphone ringing) Oh, those phone calls are probably gonna stop pretty soon.
Maybe not.
Aouah! Oh, I can see my bone.
Oh wait, it's just my sock.
(Chuckles)
He's a good kid.
And he's a good person.
- Wanna watch the game? - I do.