Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
What can I get you? Cup of tea, please.
97p. Milk's at the end of the counter.
You all right? Not really.
Anyone see you come in here? No. Me neither.
I kept a really low profile. Forgot your change, Alfie.
Maybe we should have done this on the phone. Maybe.
Nice to see you, though.
Yeah.
But we are still decided? Yeah, yeah.
Totes. We can't do anything about...
this.
Course. No, it was a mistake...
..kissing like that.
A nice mistake, mind you. Really nice.
Carly would go ballistic if she found out. I mean, like properly mental. Yeah, and the rest.
She's in a really weird place at the moment.
Things fizzled out with that Fozzie Bear bloke as quick as they started.
I guess - Being single ain't that much fun?
That's because it's beyond fun.
It's like past fun, driving up a side road marked Amazeballs!
Someone's changed their tune. I was coming at it all wrong.
Being single now is all about is all about your online presence.
You're on Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Instagram.
You can't do much more - there's hair to cut!
I'm talking about online dating.
Sunbed Tina, who is in for her patch test today? Yeah.
Well, she recommended this site and she's had loads of dates.
Haven't you, Teen? Fighting 'em off, I am.
So I joined it. It's called oneisfunbuttwoisbetter.com
and they profile match you like on Crimewatch.
Basically, you say what you are: sunshine blonde, incredibly toned,
really intelligent - Modest!
No - Oh, very funny, Teen!
Then you're matched with blokes who are perfect for you -
ie, loaded, ripped, preferably with a seafront apartment in Broadstairs, and a BMW.
Don't want much, do you? If you don't ask, you don't get.
I've only been online an hour and I've had tons of interest, tons.
Double what Tina got in the first week! No offence, Teen.
None taken.
Any joy?
Better out than in.
That's that Thai from last night. Repeats on me, it does.
Don't know why she bothers, Tandeep. It's only in her over night.
You should try Tan's black pudding breakfast, Debbie. You won't suffer with that. It's home-made.
Shut-up! Yeah, he's very particular.
Not a trace of horse in it.
As far as we know. Anyway, what can I get you?
Marmite on toast. Marmite on toast! That's an insult to me, that is.
No, it's not. An insult would be if someone said that apron makes you look like Mary Berry.
More like Hairy Berry!
This is all your fault, this is. I never told you to wear it.
Not that, them. Debbie and Spider.
What kind of name is Spider anyway?
You told them, to treat the place as if it was their own home.
I say that every guest. They took it literally.
They're in the breakfast room in pyjamas. She had a takeaway delivered to the guest lounge last night.
They help themselves to whatever they like in here!
Oh, they're all right. She could do with some dry shampoo in that ponytail, mind.
Oh, my God! I'm the highest bidder! I think I'm gonna get them.
Get what? George Michael's fingerless gloves.
These are the actual gloves that he wore in the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go video, people!
Says who? Says this site. It's like eBay, only for pop memorabilia. Debbie told me about it.
She's had one of Britney's thongs off here.
Surprised she hasn't worn it to breakfast! Oh! It's no joke.
I'm serious. I won't serve them the rest of the week. Ann-Marie can do it.
Might be a problem with that. My er, old army mate,
Tom's coming over on Saturday. I thought I'd take some hours off.
Ginger Tom, your barrack buddy? Your brother from another mother?
Er, yeah. Although...
He's not like a brother. He's nothing like a brother.
Oh, I get it, more like a lover, eh?
Judy... Oh, look at her.
She's as red as a turkey's cock!
You fancy him, don't you?
No! As if! Get lost!
OK, a bit. Ahh...
Is he nice, then, this Ginger Tom?
Oh, God, yeah... I mean, he's a bit of a slag, obviously
Shagged his way to Basra and back twice over and he's always getting rat-arsed and fighting.
But, you know, I think he might be ready to settle down now.
Oh, he sounds perfect, doesn't he? Eh?!
What do you mean, it's over? Just like that?
I thought you really liked Michelle. Ladies, feet off the merchandise!
Dick! I do like Michelle,
but she's Carly's best mate and mates don't do that to each other.
I would. Ow!
All right, Letter Box? Not really. Are you going to finish them?
I haven't started 'em yet. Sorry.
I can't stop eating when I'm depressed. I'm very depressed. Tell me about it.
OK. Well, I worked out today that it's exactly a year since I got any romantic action.
Action? Who are you, Snoop Dogg?
I'm serious. I counted 'em. 456 days.
I hate to break it to you, mate, but that is well over a year.
It ain't fair. Donk pulls birds. Drunk ones. You've gone from Carly tp Michelle.
I told you not to tell anyone! Sorry, it slipped out.
Look, you know what you need to do.
You wanna go out, you wanna get some. Then, you'll be all right.
How am I supposed to do that?
Tomorrow, we'll all go on a lads' night out. We'll help you pull a bird.
OK. Awesome.
Though, I can take it from the bedroom.
I mean, I can handle the bump and - Yeah! Yeah! We know!
Now, this piece is very much in the style of Brit Art.
And I think that's reflected in the defiant quality of the strokes.
Judith! Sorry.
I've got to do this to a packed room on Sunday. If he sells any tickets.
Don't you start. Monique's already said I can't attract a crowd.
Monique? Carly's mad mummy.
She's the head of the Art Appreciation Society. No?!
Yes!
I suppose I should be pleased. It's quite an honour to be asked to give
a talk on Brit Art in the very town that spawned THE Tracey Emin.
Who? The one with the dirty pullout.
It is an actual bed, Gary.
And it's not dirty. She's simply using the intimate to express the universal.
I still prefer Tony Hart. Do people pay to see this stuff?
I'll say! The Turner Gallery's put Margate on the map with the London crowd.
Well, thanks for the art lesson, Gary,
but can I get that Marmite now? Debs and Spider
are burning through it at ours
and Gary said you had a big tub to spare.
Well, it's not strictly ours to give.
I got it in for mother. So you'd better ask her.
Why can't you?
They haven't spoke since Tuesday. Been like the fridge war. Cold War.
Cold War. Mo's the only one out of her friends
who's not allowed to host the Over 70s Supper Club.
Nasty bastard!
That zombie I just killed.
I think it's very mean, I do.
He's had his Art Society mates over for nibbles.
I've had the footie lads over for the game. Why should Mo be denied?
He wants her to host it here so he can cook his bloody broth for them.
It's called cawl, actually. It's not a broth it's a stew.
The secret recipe's been passed down
through centuries of Welsh women. And me.
Well, I'm sorry, Gary, but I don't see what the problem is.
Yeah, it's only a few pensioners. I'll tell you what the problem is.
That's an antique cream sofa over there.
Some doddery old dear with a bowl of stew and it's a gonna. Little shit.
Vampire rat. I've been after him since Level Two.
D'you know, we'd best be getting off.
Alfie'll be home soon, wanting his tea.
Unless he goes to Fishy Fingers for it.
Hm?
Who is she, then?
Who?
The girl you met at Fishy Fingers before work this morning.
Sue Fingers told Camp Gary. Him and Mum have started having a frothy
there after Mum got banned from Starbucks for filching the cocoa.
Look, it's no-one, all right?
Really? Cos Gary said Sue said it was Michelle.
And I said, "Why would Alfie be meeting her in secret before work.
It's bound to be a new girlfriend."
It... It wasn't a new girlfriend and it wasn't Michelle.
It was just a... a work colleague, that's all.
We had some stuff to go over for Prop Maartie.
You have got to keep schtum about me and Michelle. My mum nearly found out.
If she can find out, so can Carly. Shut up. It's true. Shut up. I mean, literally, shut up.
Hiya, Carl! Hey! 'Chelle.
Hey. How's things?
Amazing, actually. I don't want to sound mean but I am loving being single.
What part of that does not sound mean? Oh, God...
Sorry. I didn't - Oh, no, you don't have to apologise.
I'm just getting on with my life. Aren't I, 'Chelle? She certainly is.
What about you? Anyone on the horizon?
Actually! No!
I mean, nah, not yet. I'm just chillaxing and erm...
We... well, mostly just chillaxing.
Yeah.
Great.
See ya, then. See ya!
Man, I so need this night out.
Ah-ha! All right, boys! Me too! What time we starting?
We?
Yeah, Postman Fatty invited me yesterday.
Hey, I hear you're on a pulling mission. Well, you're in luck.
Because the Pussy Pirate is officially on board. Aarrrr!
Ha ha ha ha! Pussy Pirate!
Bollocks.
Shall I put 'em here...
..or here, Alf?
Alfie! What?!
Shall I put the gloves here? Maybe with a little -
You haven't even won 'em yet - plaque - Exactly, get a grip, you lunatic.
Are you gonna let 'em speak to me like that? You are a lunatic.
But I love you. And you're gonna love what I've just done.
No more Debbie and Spiders for this B&B, we've got an actual upper-class toff coming to stay.
How come? I put an ad on the Art Appreciation Society website.
I've already had two bookings. One from a certain Jemima Hadley-Hawthorne.
Double barrel and everything.
They do know it's a no-star, '80s theme B&B, don't they?
Er... I dunno.
All right. Knock-knock. Hiya.
Sorry to interrupt, we want to let Tandeep know that we er, we won't be needing dinner tonight.
We just bought this down Donna's Doners.
Oh, that's a shame. Tan's done you a lovely big lasagne.
Shut up...
It's fine. Don't fret, pets
See, that there's exactly why we need fancier guests.
So maybe I should give the place a spruce up before they come, eh?
It doesn't need sprucing up. This is Edge Of Heaven not Downton.
And if they don't like it, they can bugger off, posh nobs!
You agree, don't you, Alf? Maybe you can give us a hand.
Got enough on my plate with the night out.
It's a a military operation now that Prop Maartie's coming.
How come? We are going down to the Margate Shell.
We've told Maartie the wrong time. We get time without him. Good call.
We are over to Star club, where it is free to get in,
but heaving with mingers. Alfie! Sorry - ugly girls. Thank you.
Luckily, as it's always rammed there, we could "accidentally" lose
Prop Maartie and then head to the Ju-Ju Lounge, find Spanner a bird.
I think it's wonderful. I'm just glad that you're back in the saddle, Poppet.
There's nothing as healthy as a bunch of boys going out to sow their rolled oats.
Mother! Judy! It's true!
You want to look at yourself, Ann-Marie.
A few years since he left the army. Ginger Tom won't be getting that
sunkissed, gun-toting whippersnapper he left in Karpool. It's Kabul.
What d'you mean?
Shitballs.
What do you look like, woman?
Stunning. I'm not that way inclined
though I don't judge anyone who is -
I love Clare Balding -
but I would SO do myself right now.
My online dates aren't gonna know what's hit them tonight. Dates?
You got more than one? Hm-hm.
I'm seeing John for starters,
Ben for main, and Barry for dessert.
Ooh. I know, it's a hideous name.
But he's got the best car to take me home in.
It's a VW Sport Injection. You ain't gonna be dating his car!
I'm well prepped. I've even got an icebreaker if the conversation stalls.
What's long and thin and pink and you shove it in tarts?
I don't get it. Rhubarb!
It's a joke, 'Chelle. To lighten the mood?
Were going to have so much fun.
Pity everyone don't do what they want and damn the consequences.
Oh...
I know what this is about.
Really?
Obv! You don't think it's fair that while I'm partying,
you're having to shut the salon on your own. Like a loser.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that.
How about I set up for you tomorrow? If I'm not doing anything else.
Ah, great. You're all heart, Carly.
I can't believe that. That's so unfair, that is.
I've been outbid by someone called CarelessWhisper88, the weirdo!
That's the point of bidding sites, Judy.
You're hardly in a position to comment on user names. You're called Wham Bam 69!
Are we having this lasagne you invited us over for,
or shall I have ANOTHER banana?
Yeah, sorry, Tan said he'd warm it up for us. Didn't you, Tan?
Do some wedges and maybe a salad.
Did I? That was kind of me!
I don't know why she wants Boy George's dirty old gloves anyway.
They're not even pure wool.
It's George Michael, Mo.
And I completely understand, Jude.
My Auntie Jackie has still got her knickers she threw at Tom Jones in 1983.
He wiped his forehead with them until they were sopping.
Eugh... Oh... Well, we might have some celebs in here, soon.
Oh, don't start this again. It's true!
We've got actual art lovers coming this weekend.
And if my plans work out, that could be our regular clientele.
As opposed to women who keep kebabs in their handbag.
That reminds me, I brought that dry shampoo you asked for.
Oh, ta. What plans?
I personally think that's a wonderful idea, Tandeep.
You bloody would!
As long as it's not your backyard, people can do whatever they sodding like!
That is not true.
Says a man who once let a bunch of wrinklies in his house for fear they'll wreck his fancy beige DFS!
It's an antique, cream Laura Ashley - From a secondhand shop. Gary!
You were exactly like this as a child!
A selfish little piglet in a poke!
OK! Fine! Have your bloody supper club! See if I care!
Oh...
Do you really mean that, Gary? I said it, didn't I?
Oh, thank you, son. That's very much appreciated.
Hello, folks. Just popped in to say, A, "How do I look?"
Ahh! Ooh, like a young Don Johnson. What? Well, he does!
Without the tan, obviously. Er... Thanks.
And, B, Gary! Can you tell Sue Fingers to wind it in? She's a right gossip.
Yeah, Gary. It's not a secret date that Alfie was on.
It's just some girl he works with. Paula Patch? With the eyepatch?
She's the only girl that works at Sofa Universe, isn't she?
Ye-yeah. Paula! Exactly.
Anyway, so erm... Better go.
See ya.
Ooh, oooooh...
Well, all I know is that girl Alfie met with
had both eyeballs in full working order.
Oh...
All right?
You all right? Not really, soldier. I er, need a bit of a favour.
Come in.
Three, two, one, go!
Ah! Oh, what? I'm taking it easy tonight.
If I'm gonna pull, I wanna be fully functioning.
You are never fully functioning!
He doesn't wanna go from flipper to flopper.
Yes. I get what he means, thank you. But what I do not get is that blazer.
I wanted to look slick, didn't I? You've achieved that. Look like a slick lesbian.
Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Lesbians do get birds.
Oh, God, what's he doing here? I texted him we'd changed the time.
He'd have been late otherwise. Hey! Hey!
All right, boys! Let's get this party started!
What can I get you?
I think I'll have the Guyozo to start.
I love a prawn ball, don't you, Johnny?
It's pronounced Gyozo. And it's not a ball. It's a dumpling.
And my name's John. Oh, right.
Is that a perm, Ben?
No. Course not. Oh...
So, erm... What do you teach, then? English Lit.
We're doing Dickens at the moment.
Oliver Twist? Oh, my cousin Shazzney was in that!
The musical? Who did she play? Annie.
You know, Little Orphan Annie,
short, ginger, massive dog?!
So, what's long and thin
and pink and you shove it in tarts? I don't know.
Oh...
What was it?
No. Forgotten.
But it's not what you think it is, Barry.
It's nothing rude like a willy.
I'm so sorry, Ann-Marie.
What am I like?
It's been so frustrating watching Carly be so blase about everything
and me and Alfie, we just can't even...
Oh...
God, he'll go bananas if he finds out I've told you about us.
Not that there is an us. I wish.
Look, don't give it another thought, 'Chelle.
I think you'd be great together.
I knew something was up.
I er... I know my bro too well.
His ears go bright red when he lies.
He'd never make a champion league poker player.
Or a double agent.
Shame.
Yeah, my method is very simple, boys.
If I want to pull a chick, I just act like a Bond villain.
What, pay 'em in gold, do you?
Yeah, hilarious! I mean, I play the tough guy.
Cos mean equals keen.
I'm not hitting anyone. You don't have to, all right?
All you have to do is be genuine, generous and polite.
Yeah, memo to Alfie Taylor. It's not 1945 any more!
Girls want the three Cs - cash, confidence and a big fat...
Cor... I bags that, boy. Get her!
Want you to go to the blonde chick over there.
Tell her to buy you a drink. You what?!
And when she asks why, you say this is a down payment
on you rocking her world tonight.
You take her home and make sweet, sensual... hot... sticky love to her.
Or, alternatively, just go over there,
tell her she looks nice, offer to buy her a drink.
Changed The Way You Kiss Me
Wanna buy me a drink as a down payment on me...
I mean...
Er...
I think you look really nice.
I like the... netting.
Piss off.
Sorry, I tried but it didn't work. Dude, of course it didn't work.
Shoulda listened to the Pussy Pirate!
Not him. He couldn't even keep hold of his own fiancee!
And, according to Sue Fingers, he got chucked by another bird just yesterday. He's a classic loser!
Ooh, touched a nerve.
Touched another nerve.
I love this one!
Oi!
What's with the EastEnders' exit? Nothing. I just...
I would have punched him if I'd stayed there. Who'd punch Prop Maartie? He's a tosspot?
He's right. I am a loser and I can't keep a bird.
I proved that when Carly dumped me at the altar.
And now I don't even have the balls to date Michelle. Because I am afraid of offending Carly.
How totally spineless is that?
It is a little bit spineless, yeah.
OK, folks. After much blood, sweat and Dulux,
I'd like to invite you to see the all new-improved Cindi Lauper suite.
Looks like a Premier Inn. Thank you.
Just call me Lenny Henry of the south east.
Wait. There's more. I've even given it a new name.
Room 4.
Well, I think I can safely say -
I bloody HATE it!
Where's my True Colors table lamp gone?
And where's my Time After Time wall clock?
It used to be pop-punk-tastic in here. Now it looks like a sodding Next catalogue.
Maybe it's stylish and simple instead of cheap and trashy.
Ooh, you didn't just go there...
I cannot believe you'd do this without telling me.
It's my B&B too, you know? I don't think that's the issue.
Change it back, please. NOW! After all the hard work I've done?
Absolutely no way!
What's going on? Don't ask.
You look different. You look depressed.
Good night last night? Not really.
Yeah, well. You get that for denying yourself what you truly want.
I'm the same with Baileys.
And bald men.
'Chelle told me, by the way, about you two.
You gotta go for that - Leave it, Ann-Marie. It's never gonna happen.
So, you seeing any of them again? God, no. As if.
They all loved me. But I was, like, whatev losers.
Truth be told, I personally think that
oneisfunbuttwoisbetter.com is for the lower end of the market.
The less attractive and successful types. No offence, Teen.
Are you gonna sort out this mess?
I've gone green.
Give me a chance. I am conversing with my colleague.
So, anyway, I went online and I found this other dating site:
professionallyintoyou.com
And they match you with really classy business guys.
I'm seeing this fittie tomorrow and he wants to take me to FizzBomb, that champagne bar in Whitstable.
How sick is that? Really sick.
Not as sick as this.
Now, be honest. Is this bowl big enough for the supper club stew?
If you're planning to stew an ox in it, I'd say yes.
Don't be rude. It's lamb.
Oh, that's the secret ingredient!
Please, Gary, I'm trying to go through my presentation with Monique.
I think the word 'presentation' might be stretching it.
We've only sold three tickets so far.
Well, I'm sure sales will pick up soon. They'd better.
It's not all about numbers, though is it, Mon?
I had a crowd of 65 at my last talk.
It was on the mysteries of Da Vinci.
Oh, I love his books. I can never tell who the killer is, can you?
Gary's not a big art lover. That's not true.
I've got an Andy Warholes in the utility.
It's Warhol. Which one? And it's hardly - A big colourful one.
Had it done down the printer's in town. Only £10.
It's of me eating a banana.
Ooh...
Mo, what do d'you think of this?
Big enough for the supper club do?
Oh, don't sweat it, son. We don't do much eating anyway.
Now don't disturb me.
I'm syncing my playlist, just for this evening.
What the safe word, soldier?
Osama.
Sergeant Taylor! Major Tom!
All right, you ginger bastard? Not too bad, you cockney slapper!
Good, good. You're looking well. Ahh...
Cheers, mate. So er... Wow...
You kept your big six? Naughty, naughty.
Missing us, are you, you tosser? Yeah.
Come on, then. Let's go get me shitfaced!
I haven't had a beer since breakfast! Right, yeah. Cool.
Vile, absolutely vile.
Beige. Beige and burgundy.
I mean, who decorates like that, Gary?
Well, it doesn't sound too bad.
I know, disgusting!
Come on. They'll be here soon. I've got 25 baps need buttering.
Ooh, very jazzy.
Look, Judy, I've got to go. Sorry. So you agree, then?
100%?
I knew you would, Gary. You're so right, Gary.
We can hear the dialling tone, Mum.
I don't care. That room's classy and it's staying.
Well, if it's staying, then, you're sleeping in it.
But it's Wednesday.
We always - you know - on a Wednesday.
And a Sunday - Well, not tonight, Josephina!
Why's she doing this to me?
I did that for us, for the business.
Look, Tam, Mum doesn't care about your fancy new customers.
She cares that you disrespected the '80s. No, I never.
You turned her Cindi Lauper suite into a travel lodge.
This is a woman who spent a week bidding on George Michael's grubby fingerless gloves.
The woman who's seen Top Gun over 300 - BOTH: OOH!
She had Ann-Marie and me in Five Star T-shirts from the time we were three. And not in an ironic way.
It's the decade that made her who she is today. You don't mess with it.
I'm such an idiot.
Yeah, that's pretty much the size of it.
It weren't Spackerz. It was Tonkerz who named his sharpshooter after his missus.
Oh, yeah, Louise the Rifle. Because she was -
"Seriously high maintenance and hard to pull!"
Oh, he was a dick, weren't he? He was such a wanker.
Oh, good days, good days. Yeah, yeah. They were, weren't they?
Look, I wasn't planning on this or nothing,
but... Could I stay with you tonight, Ann-Marie?
You're not backwards in coming forwards, are you?
Huh!
No, I mean, yeah, course. I'd... I'd love that, yeah.
Good...
Kalisha hates it when I'm smashed.
Kalisha?
My fiancee.
She'd prefer me to crash on your floor than go back to barracks and disturb her.
All right, all right. That's why I come down.
I heard you were gonna be Alfie's best man but he got chucked at the altar - twat! Yeah.
So I thought you could do the honours for me instead? Yeah I'd love to, yeah.
We're having a Game of Thrones wedding.
I'm going as the dwarf and she is going as Daenerys.
She's not getting her tits out, mind.
She is way too classy for that.
Not like us mouthy bastards, eh?
Ooh, yeah...
Here, big man! Another round!
Does it have to be so loud?
Well, most of em are deaf. So, yes.
Ooh-oo...
Welcome one and all!
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello, Stan.
Hello.
We're gonna need a bigger bowl...
Jude, I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I made you cry.
I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just a - Are you quoting Roxy Music?
Yeah. I thought it's a way of tying the '80s thing in with the fact that I'm sorry.
Kinda like an '80s style apology? Am I pissed or is he pissed?
Nobody's pissed. Believe me, it's normal in this place.
Jude, I wanna say - Save it! I've got important news.
Oh, hiya, Tom, you're looking well.
Having a nice night with Ann-Marie? She looks good enough to - What important news, Mother?!
I've just had Gary and Gary on the blower. It's all gone shits up at the Supper Club.
Mum's posted the party on her Facebook page
and now they're inundated with oldies.
It's like Cocoon over there. They need help, prontito!
I'll get me coat. You can't go. You've got breakfast and dinner to prepare.
I'll get your coat. No, I've got a tango class.
It's all right. I'll go. No, you can't leave Tom.
Not when you're having so much fun. Alfie, you'll have to go, babe.
Right, shall I mix you one of my cocktail sharers?
How about a nice Strawberry Shmooze, to get you in the mood. Whoo-hoo!
Hello, young man. How would you like to be corrupted by a sexagenarian?
A... A what?!
Hands off Rita, that is my grandson and he's a good boy he is. Hi, Nan.
D'you wanna dry sherry, darlin'? Or a gin fizz?
Er, no, thanks. It's your loss. Shaky Doug's doing doubles.
Which basically means they're trebles.
All right? Mum sent me over to help.
Oh, thank God! If anyone's naked, throw them out!
And we've got a zero tolerance policy on drugs,
even if they're prescription. Oi, Doris, stop fingering them nuts!
Right, why don't you both start in the bedroom?
Both? No, Ann-Marie couldn't make it.
I know. That's why she asked 'Chelle instead.
I bet she did...
Hey! Erm... I think... we... have to start in the - Yeah, come on.
Oh, God! Right, Maureen! Maureen, put your top back on!
And you, Sylvia. Whose are these?
I can get you pills for asthma, arthritis, angina...
Right, out.
I got the blue ones, too, if you're in the mood for it.
I know I would be.
Now.
Right hand green! Come on, Mavis!
Oh, n-o-o-o!
Chillax, 'Chelle's cling-filmed it.
No.
Mega.
Ain't she mega? Certainly is.
Well, you could've bloody told me!
Ooh...
Sure you don't want me to give you a lift home?
No. I only live one street over, you doughnut.
You've won't have the petrol after dropping off Glenys, Trevor and Betty.
They were really going for it in the back! Yeah. All three of 'em.
I had a really nice time tonight. You know what I mean. Yeah, me too.
And I was thinking, like...
I know Carly would be upset,
but it's not all about her, is it?
You know, it's about what we...
I agree.
I knew you were lying, you little toe rag!
Your ears go bright red!
'Chelle?!
Carry on. I won't disturb you.
It's not a date! Well, it sounds like a date.
No, see what we've decided to do is have a "non date" date -
just an ice cream down the ice cream parlour this arvo. Nothing fancy, keepin' it simple.
So a simple date, then? No! Look,
don't let Carly get wind of it, OK?
Me?! As if? I'm the whole of discretion.
Talkin' of dates - how did you get on with Tom last night?
I bet he's ferocious in bed.
- Mother! I'm eating breakfast! - Jude?! Come here! What for?
Just come here.
Saved by the yell! Go on, how did it go with Tom?
It didn't.
He don't like me, Alfie.
He's engaged. That's the only reason he came down here - to ask me to be his best man.
Oh...
Right.
Well then he's more of a prat than I first thought.
If he don't want you, he doesn't deserve you.
Yeah, well, when I said prat, what I actually meant was...
That was embarrassing.
If you must know...
Look...
I'm sorry you thought that I thought...
Whatever.
The truth is, Ann-Marie,
I could never be with someone like you. Oh, nice one, cheers!
Because...
we've been through way too much together.
You're my barrack buddy, my best mate.
You literally saved my life in Basra.
I can't be with someone who's seen me in a mess like that.
Just... being with you brings it all back.
Really?
Besides, you deserve a good bloke,
not some bone-headed wanker like me, eh? That's true.
Dick.
Tosser.
What's this for?
To say sorry. It was thoughtless of me to mess with the '80s theme.
In an '80s themed B&B.
Oh, my God! Are these what I think they are?!
No. You see I tried bidding on 'em, but then CarelessWhisperer88
fought with EverythingSheWants underscore SheGets.
They went for over 200 quid. I got these down the market.
You'd never know the difference - Yes! Of course I bloody would!
Hi, there. Mr and Mrs Hadley-Hawthorne?
Hello. Welcome to Edge of Heaven.
If you could just sign this, then I'll take you up to your room.
Look, I'm sorry, love.
I wanted to show you that I never meant to offend.
The reason I fell for you in the first place was because you are so quirky.
Whatevs. You're all talk you are!
And this is Room 4, Jemima.
I apologise in advance for the boring colour scheme...
I am so sorry, babe. No, I'm so sorry.
I get stuck in my ways, Tan. I know I do. I'm the same with pizza.
I haven't eat anything except Hawaiian since 1987.
It's lovely of you to want to improve this place
and it's nice we've got smarter people staying.
And I'll just die if them slobs show us up - I know I will.
Hi. Can we help anyone?
We were just after a refill, my love.
No rush though, this lady was before us.
Erm... I just wondered what the wi-fi code is?
I've got a bit of lesson planning to do.
Not the best way to kick off a weekend break, but there you go.
You a teacher, are you, darlin'? Mmm.
Me too. I'm, like, up to my eyes in marking at the moment.
And poor Spider here. He's got degree papers to evaluate.
Wow! What's your subject?
Arachnology. Hmm, spiders?
Shut up?!
Right, I'm off 'Chelle! Yeah, me too, babes. Oh, you look nice.
Thanks. Meeting someone special?
Sort of... ish... Just a friend really.
Cool! Where you going? Oh, only for an ice cream.
Aw, unlucky, babe.
I'll down a glass of bubbly at FizzBomb for you. Wish me luck!
That's the third set of dentures this morning!
Not so loud, Gary.
I'll be as loud as I like, thank you.
Last night was disgraceful, wasn't it, Gar? Hmm.
And all the trouble I went to cooking my cawl
and not one bowl got eaten. Not one cowin' bowl!
It didn't get eaten because it's too salty,
it stinks of leeks and no-one this side of the border can pronounce it, never mind swallow it!
Steady, Gary.
Oh, I'm sorry love, but it's true.
Now can we please just calm down, tidy up and forget it ever happened?
Right! What's going on?! I don't know what you mean.
There's sherry stains on the Afghan,
support stockings hanging off our bedroom chandelier
and Rita is still... asleep on the balcony.
Now, why in God's green hills are you so calm about it?
Le Trois Peni is part of a series.
Well, it's a full house.
Monique can't say nothing now.
It's the least we could do after last night.
Now, this, ladies and gentlemen,
is very much a part of the early Brit-Art school of aesthetic,
and you'll notice there's not a bed sheet
or a pickled shark in sight.
Sorry it got so out of hand, Gary.
I blame Maureen's marijuana.
She's a demon down that allotment.
Some of you may recall...
Why didn't you tell me you didn't like my cawl in the first place?
I've made you eat loads of the stuff.
Because, Flower, I know it makes
you happy to make it for me.
Oh...
You can stop now, though.
What kinda motor d'you drive, then, Craig?
I work from home, so I don't actually own one.
Besides, I think most cars are just an ego boost.
How d'you get about, then? Walk? Bus it? Bike it?
But you can afford a car, yeah?
Cos online you said that you was a successful businessman.
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's not really the point, is it?
I mean, I'd much rather put my money into something sustainable
than waste it on a fancy BMW that loses you 10 grand
as soon as you drive it off the forecourt.
Let me get this straight -
you can actually afford a BMW but you're not buying one? Hm-hm.
Are you, like, properly tapped in the head, man?
All right, Ann... Alfie's out.
What? You look... different...
You don't. I'll tell him you called.
Or tell you what, try him on his mobile, like a normal person.
Er, yeah, great!
D'you wanna buy me a drink?
Why would I wanna buy you a drink?
As a, er, down payment
on me rocking your world...
when I, uh, take you out the back there...
and make sweet, sensual, hot, sticky love to you.
Mention this to anyone, you're a dead man. Do you hear me?
I'm trained in all aspects of weaponry, remember? And water-boarding. Understood.
Hi. Hi.
I knew you liked Rocky Road and Pistachio, but not together.
I got them separate, sprinkles on the side,
Just like you like. And some flakes. And some nuts.
And I am now babbling. Yes, you are. But it's cute.
Erm...
It's, it's Carly.
It's all right, you can answer it.
Hello.
Alf? I need you come and get me.
What, why?!
I've been such an idiot!
I let this total prick take me out and now he's being horrible to me.
I am not being horrible!
We called an end to a very boring date
and now you won't pay your half of the bill! It's called equality, love.
Ooh, Alf, please? Come quickly!
Well, if one of you doesn't pay, I'm calling the police.
Alfie!
She, er... She needs me. She's in a bit of a fix.
But you're not together any more. I know, but it's just, I feel -
No, no, no. It's fine. It wasn't a proper date anyway, was it?
Go on. Go. Really?
Yeah. I'll be back. I'll be back. Just wait for me, yeah?
Urgent call.
Thanks, Alf. I owe you one.
You owe me 45 quid, for champagne and nibbles.
I know, and you'll get it. I promise.
I've missed you, honest, I have.
It's not all its cracked up to be, is it, being single?
No, I suppose not.
D'you wanna come in for a coffee? I can't, I gotta be somewhere.
Oh, come on. We can have a catch up. We haven't spoken properly in ages.
Do you want a doggy bag for it?
Er, no... Thank you.
So that'll be £4.50, then, please.
Sorry, love. No, no. That's fine. Erm...
There you go.
No, no, no... Fine. Keep it. Thank you.
I'm really sorry about the other night.
I thought you'd wait for me. Why would I wait, Alfie?
Dad? The one and only! I'm juggling a jealous husband,
a no-good ex husband and a gay-anniversary crisis.
What about that accent? South African. No way! I love the Lion King.
Too much? Not if you're playing Vegas.
Oh, I'm going...
I'm going... He's gone.
You really are jealous, aren't you?
I'm hardly jealous of him stealing you back.
He hasn't shagged anyone over 29 in the past 15 years.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.