SHIRLEY: I'm trying to make if work with the wife.
But I'm not sticking it in.
I'm getting out of here.
MC: Miss Lola Love.
Chapfel! Chapfel! My name is Ambrose Chapfel!
I'm walking out that door and you're going to let me go.
We've got our license and we can leave.
Well, there's a price. We have to go to her shitting party.
There's corruption in this town. I've got a file on it at home.
Just tell me what you know.
KEN: Meet me on the-the-the beach.
Oh!
Come on, let's call the police. Police!
(Ooh La La by Goldfrapp playing)
- We're here for the party. - Mercy not quite ready.
You wait here. Vienna look after you.
- She treat you nice. - Oh, God, V!
I've got so much goss. I've met this guy. He's amazing.
He goes for like 10 minutes without splatting.
Someone you know?
SHIRLEY: I've changed.
I'm trying to make it work with the wife.
1 won't do penetration.
A blowjob, kissing your tits maybe.
But I'm not sticking it in.
(Vienna moaning)
(Shirley grunting)
(Sirens passing)
Thank you, miss. Thank you.
(Spinning Around by Kylie Minogue playing)
♪ Coils up and round me... ♪
Hey!
No alcohol. I'm an expectant mother.
Look, when we get in there, love, don't mention the baby.
- I've nothing to be ashamed of. - Come on, love. It's our little secret.
I don't want her spoiling it.
You look great, Uncle Willy. Smart.
I've washed my hands, but sometimes it's hard to get the smell out.
So what are you going to do in Spain, Liam? Wait tables?
I'm going to manage a band. I've got the dollars all in place.
Come on. I'm going to powder me nose.
Mum always goes to town. Right good spread. Howdy Doodere.
Nothing but the best.
Don't mind me, girls. Been in the business 50 years. Seen it all.
'Course, this is not what I'm used to.
When you've shared a dressing room with Telly Savalas everything else is a let-down.
He's from London. Really tall, dead sophisticated.
Blue suit?
(Ruby snorting)
- Stubble? - Yeah.
- Do you know him? - That new girl. He brought her in.
(Vienna snorting)
(Men cheering)
Come on.
LOLA: Get off me! Get off me!
- Please. There's an incident occurring. Me wife. - Why, you big yellow coward.
You husband. You deal with it.
SHIRLEY: Oi!
Put your clothes on. Go home.
- What about my money? - Mercy. She ready for you now.
(Mobile phone ringing)
AMBROSE: # Loud was the sound of the lonely goatherd
# Lay ee odl lay ee odl loo #
Smeerlap! It is you.
What is it? What do you want? Please don't bring me harm.
(Doorbell ringing)
Come in, come in. How marvelous to see you all.
Connie, you look gorgeous. Shirley, too.
I made you a present. For your desk.
Don't touch a thing.
Sit down. Make yourselves at home.
Everything's laid on. Booze. Buns. Entertainment.
Liam, you're the one with an ear for it. Put on a tape.
(Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc playing)
Please. I'm in trouble. Something terrible has happened.
For me, too. Before, I could sleep at nights. Now, I find no rest.
I have feelings. Strange new sensations.
Someone's been hurt. It's not my fault.
Here, too, somebody's hurting. That is your doing.
You have stirred a sleeping bear and now he growls.
Look, the police are after me.
They think I killed someone. You've got to hide me.
I am already falsely accused of crimes. Go find your other Ambrose.
- Let him harbour you. - CHRIS: (Muffled) Hello?
- Please. - This is the police! Hello?
Don't touch my exhibits.
They are delicate.
CHRIS: Hello. AMBROSE: Yes?
- What? - You were brilliant.
You were. Really.
A young man was seen entering the premises.
No. Nobody comes here. This has been a dreadful season for me.
Unjust persecution drives people away.
"Come to the north of England," they told me. "The people are so friendly."
All I have found is hatred and suspicion.
Perhaps it is because of my appearance.
Do you find me so strange?
- So there's no one here, then? - No.
But please, if you don't believe me, feel free to explore.
- I shall show you every inch. - It's okay. Won't be necessary.
Thank you for your time, sir.
(When I Need You by Leo Sayer playing)
It all sounds so exciting. A move to Spain.
The sun, sea, the Basque separatists.
We'll send you a postcard.
- Stand up, kid, let your uncle sit down. - There's a chair over there.
MERCY: Oh! Here she is. My little darling.
Make sure no one goes wanting.
And what about the children?
- I'm going to manage a band. - A band?
Well, they're known for their rock music, the Spanish.
SHIRLEY: He'll be fine. Ruby, too. MERCY: Of course she will.
A Pretty girl like Ruby?
She'll have those good-looking Latin boys straining at their flies.
No, Nan. I've got a new boyfriend.
We're in love. I'm not interested in other lads.
- What's his name? -Carter. Carter Krantz.
RUBY: He's gorgeous.
MERCY: And he's coming, too, is he? SHIRLEY: No.
- Dad, I love him. - Drop it!
MERCY: Oh! How protective.
I do admire that in a father.
- Don't you, Connie? - I admire any parent who puts their child first.
So, it's all going to be lovely.
- No more marital hiccups, infidelities. - CONNIE: We don't do that.
- He doesn't stray an inch. Do you, Shirley? - No.
Not since the therapy.
Oh!
Here's Howdy. just like old times.
Please, everyone, help yourselves to nibbles. Connie, change the music.
Any one you like.
(Bell ringing)
- What are you doing? - Yeah?
Oh.
We'd like room service.
I've just had Bradley Stainer on the phone. You've made him very unhappy.
Yes, well, we're sorry about that. There was a bit of a mix-up.
Apparently, little miss here has a temper. Turned nasty.
He's got losses to recoup.
We'd like, urn, afternoon tea, a pot for two,
and sandwiches, without the crusts.
Of course, why not?
Give me your dirty knickers while you're at it. I'll wash them and iron them.
(Door creaking)
(squealing)
Nosy. Naughty, nosy.
Nasty, nosy man!
Tickle your eye with it.
(Screaming)
Good choice. Not me favourite. But the night is young.
(I Feel Love by Donna Summer playing)
Please, Dad. Get on the phone,
tell him you're sorry, tell him to come here, right now.
- No. - Dad, I'm worried.
What half-decent band's ever come out of Spain?
MERCY: Soph were a very warm girl, very accommodating.
- Found it hard to satisfy Shirley maritally. - Not a problem I have.
- I can pick up coins with my parts. - Well, that must compensate.
- For what? - The lack of children.
Hungry, Mr Woolf?
He were always a one for the ladies. From an early age.
He were like a tomcat, spray anywhere. Until he fell in love.
- What's going on? -Suzie were her name. Suzie Locking.
You remember her.
I've got a photograph somewhere.
Oh!
They used to do it to this very song.
Oh! That's nice.
That's lovely.
I enjoy memories. Don't you?
(Knocking at door)
DUDLEY: Are you coming out, love?
I've got a request. There's a trick.
The one with the little wooden rabbit, in his little house.
- No, not that one. - Well, why on earth not?
But it's for children, Mercy, not grown-ups.
They expect something different. Adult cabaret. A bit of blue.
Just do it.
You hopeless turd.
Go outside and eat with your animal. It's all you're fit for.
I want to see Howdy.
Get out.
Nan, you've got to talk to Dad. He's trying to ruin it for me and me boyfriend.
Phone your young man. Tell him Mercy wants a word.
Give it to me.
(Mobile phone ringing)
- Hello? - RUBY: There you are.
Where've you been? I've been ringing you all day.
Nan wants to see you. It's urgent.
- I'm busy. - You can't be. It's a family party.
You're my boyfriend. You have to be here.
- I've got things to sort. - Let me help you. I'll do anything.
Oh, yeah? Well, tell me who Malcolm Carpet is, then. Can you do that?
Yeah, I can.
- You what? -[ ran.
I know him. Come here and I'll tell you everything.
Would you like to meet a friend of mine?
Naughty little rabbit. Now, he's been naughty, has this rabbit.
He's been buying his carrots on the never-never.
MERCY: Do you remember this one, Shirley? HOWDY: A special HP scheme.
- £10 bag every week. - We had this the very first time he came.
HOWDY: But he's not been keeping up with his payments.
Your birthday party.
HOWDY: So one day, there's a knock at the door.
It's the debt collectors. "You've been a naughty rabbit."
- We were all amazed. -"Eating carrots without paying for them."
MERCY: And then, that dripping through the ceiling.
Drip, drip,
drip, drip.
So, what does he do?
- Let's take a Look-see, shall we? -We rushed upstairs...
and there he was, your poor father.
Drowned in his bath.
- You were so brave. -HOWDY: Where's he gone?
After, we walked on the beach,
just you and me.
Not a trace. just vanished.
MERCY: Then they took the body away.
It was me lifted him out of the water.
He'd shat himself.
MERCY: And we were all...
alone.
(Spinning Around by Kylie Minogue playing)
Tea is served. Egg mayonnaise.
- Anything else, Your Ladyship? - No, thank you.
We want to be alone now. Me and my husband are going to have sex.
Good luck.
CONNIE: Happy now? Making him remember his poor dead father.
I thought you'd like it. That trick were always a favourite of yours.
- Will someone change this bloody music? - Help yourself.
(You To Me Are Everything by The Real Thing playing)
What the fuck are you doing here?
(Ruby exclaiming)
Oh, I've missed you so much.
- Have you missed me? - Yeah, yeah.
RUBY: Now, listen, there's something I need to talk to you about. Should we go outside?
Tell me what you know about Malcolm Carpet.
This Lola, you don't fancy her, do you?
- What? - The lapdancer.
She isn't coming on to you?
(I Love To Love by Tina Charles playing)
Only you don't know this about me, but I'm very insecure, I get dead mad jealous.
- I need to know I'm the only one. - You are. You're the only one. You're perfect.
Oh, I can't believe you're saying this. I'm the only one for you?
- Why don't we get married? - Yeah, yeah. Now, just tell me.
- Malcolm Carpet, who is he? - I don't know.
- But you said... - I lied. I just wanted you to come to the party.
I've never even heard of him.
Don't go away. I'll get you a drink, I'll get you a plate full of food.
I'm so excited.
CONNIE: I've lost a parent myself. It leaves a scar.
Vindictive, that's what you are. As a mother, you should put his feelings first.
I appreciate your advice, Connie Woolf. I really do.
If your womb wasn't as barren as the Kalahari, I might even listen to it.
Well, that's where you're wrong, 'cause my ovaries are fully functioning.
I'm with child.
Did you mean what you said about, you know, having sex?
Maybe.
I took some pictures when you were dancing.
Would you like a look?
I think you're beautiful.
- Oh, you must be so proud. - I am.
Forgive me. I'm filling up.
- We have to get back. She has to rest. -Of course, of course.
A glass of champagne, though. A toast. Before you go.
(Glasses tinkling)
Listen up.
(Sweet Caroline by Waylon Jennings playing)
We've got some news.
Carter and me, we're getting married.
Oh, how lovely. A double celebration.
Vienna, I don't want to see an empty glass.
- What are you doing? - I love you.
You won't regret this. You really won't.
Malcolm Carpet.
Do you know Malcolm Carpet?
- It says there "Malcolm Carpet". - I know. Malcolm Carpet. Malcolm Carpet.
- Who is he? What was he? -Shite. He was shite.
Yeah, is he still around? Where is he? Where can I find him?
- Oh, baby. - No.
No what?
From behind.
(Both moaning)
- Okay? Yeah? - Yeah.
(Dudley grunting)
Harder.
Fuck me, Dudley. Fuck me!
(Dudley cries out)
(Dudley panting)
Sorry, love.
It's okay.
Put this on, love.
I don't think your father likes my musical selection.
"Late night session, Blackpool." Nice one.
It's the latest sound.
A toast.
To new life.
CONNIE: To new life. RUBY: To new life.
New life.
(Vienna moaning on tape)
VIENNA: You love it, don't you?
(Shirley grunting)
SHIRLEY: I love it. I fucking love it!
I'm gonna shoot all over your perfect little half-apple tits,
you gorgeous fucking bitch.
(Vienna and Shirley moaning)
Behold...the future.
Kid owes a bundle. Three grand.
We've come to an arrangement.
I'm going to manage a band.
We're getting married.
KEN: I've f-f-found something. This is my ticket out of here.
CARTER: Tell me what you know about Malcolm Carpet.
Do you know Malcolm Carpet? Where is he?
Where can I find him?
Put this on, love. It's the latest sound.
...shoot all over your perfect little half-apple tits, you gorgeous fucking bitch.
(Vienna and Shirley moaning)