(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Hey! How come you guys aren't goin' at it?
Shawnie, you don't understand what I got here.
I mean, once you start up this engine,
it's nonstop to Puerto Rico.
Well, isn't he romantic?
I don't even know what he's talking about.
That's right. Papa don't make sense.
(SIGHS)
I hate this job!
"Rachel, the shower drain's clogged!"
"Rachel, somebody puked in the hall! Go clean it up."
"Rachel, the candy machine's out of corn nuts!"
It is? Well, fix it!
I am a resident adviser, I'm not a vending-machine stuffer!
I took this job for the one stinking perk they give you. Do you know what that is?
Great roommate? A parking spot!
That's what I get.
A place to park my little Beetle near my room.
I've never seen our favorite redhead so fiery.
I like it!
I had to walk a mile and a half
because of some stupid, selfish, spot-grubbing moron!
Maybe the moron didn't know it was yours.
You!
You parked in my spot?
Don't have a hissy fit.
If you don't move your car right now,
I will use my power as RA to see that you do so!
Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
What are you gonna do, ban me from the soda machine?
Revoke my corn nut privileges?
Oh! She can't do that!
Because there aren't any!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay! That's it! You're breaking rules right now
because you're in the dorms after hours!
I'm banning you from the dorm. Get out!
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
Can she do that? I just did!
Goodbye.
I am shocked and dismayed.
Well, now, you can't be both.
You be shocked, I'll be dismayed.
Wifey, we're leaving! Walk behind me!
I'm staying!
You hear that, shocked?
She's stayin'.
You are gonna be sorry, homewrecker.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh, what?
Trust me. Rachel, I've known Cory and Shawn longer than you have.
You do not want to make them upset.
Oh, I'm not scared of them.
Well, maybe you should be. They're maniacs.
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(CAR HORN HONKING)
ANGELA: Uh, Rachel!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Step away from the car.
(SCREAMING)
(ECHOING)
(CHUCKLING)
There they are!
Hey, hey, hey! Mr. Feeny!
Angela!
Resident Adviser McGuire.
Good morning, Angela. My Angela.
Shut it!
Are you mad at me?
I nearly broke my toe
trying to get over a car on the way to the closet!
A car?
BOTH: In your room?
Isn't that a violation of dorm rules?
We should report her to the authorities.
But she is the authorities.
BOTH: There's a car in your room, lady!
Oh, you both think you're so clever, don't you?
BOTH: Yeah, pretty much.
But you're clever. But you're clever.
Get 'em, Feeny!
Gentlemen, this kind of behavior is juvenile
and unbefitting of college sophomores.
Did you really put a car in her room?
That's great!
However, these kinds of antics will not be tolerated.
How did you do it? (CHUCKLES)
Feeny, Feeny, looky, looky! Looky, looky!
Mr. Feeny!
I'm sorry, Miss McGuire,
but there are no rules on the books
about putting cars in rooms.
Was there loud music emanating from the car?
No.
Then you got nothin'.
They set off my alarm to wake me up!
Well, now, that's just plain brilliant!
(ALL LAUGH)
You're not going to teach them a lesson?
No. And you can't make me.
Okay. For the past two years, I've had to endure all these stories
about the great Mr. Feeny and his amazing lessons,
and now, they put a Volkswagen in my room,
and you have not one lousy lesson?
All right, here's a lesson.
Relax. Take a nice drive
into your closet!
(ALL LAUGHING) Feeny!
That's my boy! Let me have it!
You all disgust me!
Oh, can it, McGuire, they got you. Ha-ha!
That's great.
(SIGHS)
Well, I hope you know this means war.
War? With us?
Trust me, babe, you don't want to go there.
Cory and Shawn are undefeated in matters such as these.
Did you see how I referred to myself in the third person for emphasis?
I thought that was a nice touch. Cory did, too.
Don't be so sure of yourselves.
You've never tangled with Rachel McGuire before.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Okay.
(MIMICKING) Okay.
Let's just consider this a little preview of things to come.
Okay. Come... Oh.
All right!
You know what, Shawn? I... I think I'm melting.
Oh, honey, please, please. Do something at least a little clever.
Your loss.
Guys, what is going on here?
They parked my car in our room.
Nice one!
Yeah! Yeah!
We dedicate it to you. Aw.
BOTH: Topanga!
I warned you.
Topanga, join our side and teach these guys a lesson!
Sorry, guys, I have to go with them.
Good move. Go with the experience.
They need me more. They're just not as smart.
BOTH: Yeah.
Hey!
(CHUCKLES) Just kidding. I would never want to bet against you and Shawn.
Wait a minute. This isn't fair. Two against three.
We need more troops! You're right.
We need someone highly intelligent.
Cagey with a crafty mind.
(GRUNTING)
You know what, Jack, I'm having trouble opening this jar.
That's because it's a can.
We choose you!
No, choose me!
You have to be on our side. We're outnumbered.
I'll be on your side!
Jack, you're my brother.
Brothers can't be on opposite sides of a war.
Sorry, ladies,
but that's the way it is, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
It could be really fun to be on the same side.
I'm fun.
(STUTTERING) You think?
Jack, you know how good Cory and Shawn are at this.
You don't want to go against them.
You know, Jack, we were close once.
Who knows what can happen when two people are caught up in the heat of battle.
Hold on!
That's a foul. No fair offering cookies.
Did Jack forget how good my cookies were?
Whoa!
Let me remind you.
I'm with her, guys. Sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
Honey, would it be okay if I went... No? Okay. No.
All right, look.
I know both sides want me, but I'm gonna reserve my decision
until I hear all the pitches, okay?
Uh, no, see, you're Cory's brother.
You need to go over to his side.
No, he's Jack's best friend! He should be on their side!
Yeah, but it would be a really unfair advantage...
Hey, hey, ho! Come on!
Stop fighting over me, guys! Stop fighting over me!
No, no, no, I've already made my decision, all right?
Do I get cookies? No.
How about a cracker? Nothin'.
Mutton?
Fine! Fine! You'll regret this one day.
I've already decided to be on the side of, um...
Um...
Hey! Okay, okay.
(SHUSHING)
(WHISPERING) I'm not really on your team. I'm a spy.
(YELLS)
Hey, wait. No. I'm not really on your team.
I'm a spy.
The Civil War was one of the darkest moments
in the history of our nation.
Once united, we were now on the precipice
of a terrible conflagration
which would cast friend against friend,
and brother against brother.
Mr. Feeny, this war must be stopped!
Your passion for the material is admirable, Mr. Matthews,
but not to worry. The Civil War was fought over a hundred years ago.
Oh, no one cares about that crap. I'm talking about now!
Come on, make 'em call it off.
I just don't want to see anybody get hurt!
Mr. Matthews, I have no idea what you're talking about,
and "that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it."
Tomorrow, we'll begin with the first shots fired on Fort Sumter.
Hey, come on. I was just looking for a little kiss.
Don't do it. He's on the other side.
Angela, it's still me.
All right, but put your hands where I can see 'em.
Hey, that goes both ways. Hands up.
(BOOING)
Come on! Come on! Stop! Stop!
I can't take this anymore!
Friend against friend, brother against brother.
Don't you realize that nothing good can come from this?
We surrender! No, we don't!
Then we surrender! Get away from me!
(WHISPERING) Come on, no. I'm a spy!
I'm on both sides, remember, because we did... Shh!
Come on...
Hey.
Hey! What?
I'm stuck!
Super glue on the chairs!
My skirt is ruined!
Oh, no, no! Friend against friend!
(LAUGHS) The old super glue trick.
Amateurs.
Wait. You're not mad?
Eric, this is nothing! It's not even clever.
You don't think so? Not worthy of comment.
Well, what if it isn't over?
Huh?
Ew!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God!
(SPUTTERS)
Honey!
What?
No. Honey!
What? It's honey, idiot!
Ooh, I love honey! Come here!
Okay, okay.
So, we're glued to the seats and we're sticky.
Eh, it's pretty good. It's not great.
(LOUD GROWLING)
Now it's great.
(YELPS)
A bear?
A ferocious predator mauling about my classroom?
Well, you must have been glued to your seats!
(CHUCKLING)
We could have died!
Yeah.
What are we gonna do to retaliate?
What are we gonna do to get 'em back?
We're gonna get 'em back, right?
Down, catwoman. Down.
We'll get them. Don't worry.
Tell me, tell me. What are we gonna do?
ALL: Hey.
You had enough now that you know who you're dealing with?
Ready to discuss terms of surrender?
Can you "bear" to continue?
Come on. Somebody surrender already. Let's just be done with this!
No. No surrender.
And speaking of bear...
What's that all about?
We don't know.
(CHUCKLES)
(EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER)
How could you?
(CRYING)
You know, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen.
You only have yourselves to blame for this.
Hope you feel really bad.
Look, Rachel, I'm really sorry.
We were just picking it up a step, that's all.
You know, you look really good in the picture.
Right, Shawn? Yeah, really good.
I even made a wallet size for myself here.
Rip it up! Okay.
You went too far, Shawn. This was bad.
Oh, Angela. Like I don't know whose side you're really on!
What are you talking about? I'm on your side.
I had that picture made when Jack and I were dating,
and I've had it under my bed ever since!
I've missed it like crazy.
You were the only one who had access to it!
Uh-oh. Rachel, I would never!
Sure, you would. He's your boyfriend.
But you're my roommate. I can't believe you're accusing me.
You never let Shawn into our room?
You said you left a book in my room.
Uh-oh! I knew it!
I can't believe you lied to me.
War, Angela. The thing all's fair in?
Oh, no, you betrayed my trust for a sick joke?
Uh-oh!
Wait a minute. How did you even know about the picture?
(LOUDLY) Uh-oh!
You showed it to Shawn?
Once, all right? When we were still dating a long time ago!
Only because he showed me a picture of Angela.
Hey! You showed him that?
Hey!
How come I never get to see nothing?
That was a private gift from me to you!
I know. I know. I'm sorry, all right?
I can't believe you, man.
Come on, Rachel, we're brothers.
Brothers tell each other everything.
We're only half brothers, all right? I only have to tell you half.
But you weren't loyal to me, Jack! No one was!
Hey, wait a minute. I took your side! That's not fair!
Hey, I'm on your side, too.
It's Cory and Shawn that we're mad at.
I still can't get this honey out of my hair.
What's going on?
Oh, as if you didn't know!
Our team just got even. Their team's being a bad sport.
You're gonna pretend that you don't know what they did to me?
They blew this up for the whole wide world to see!
Fun, huh?
(SNICKERING)
Funny, huh?
The legend continues.
Rachel, I am so sorry. I had nothing to do with this.
Why did I have nothing to do with this?
Uh-oh.
I am on your team, remember? Uh-oh.
We make decisions together! Remember?
It was Shawn's idea.
Uh-oh!
But of course.
Whenever there's trouble, Shawn can't be too far behind.
It was a nice toast at the wedding, Shawn.
It's Cory and Topanga now.
Cory and Topanga are best friends, not Cory and Shawn.
I thought we were a team.
Hey, look, we're all in this together.
Yeah, for once, I thought we were!
For once, I thought it could be the three of us!
That's why I wanted to be on your guys' team.
To be part of the legendary team, but I guess I'm not.
Rachel, I'm sorry.
Why are you all taking Rachel's side?
You've known me and Shawn all your life.
You've known Rachel, what, a couple of years?
Oh, Rachel, I'm really sorry.
That's not how we think of you or anything.
No, it's not.
How stupid am I? I actually thought that you guys were my friends.
Of course we are!
Rachel, you were in our wedding!
I really thought that you guys let me into your special world.
I guess the joke really is on me.
And I guess it's no accident
the way the teams are picked around here.
Yeah, what a coincidence, huh?
Lifelongers versus...
I guess I really don't know what we are.
Come on. Angela...
Jack!
It's okay. It's okay, all right?
It's you and you and me now.
All right. It's you and me now.
Okay, it's just me now.
I cannot believe that you would take Rachel's side over mine!
I took your side!
I wanted to be on Cory and Shawn's team!
I was excited to be part of that immortal friendship!
You left me out, Cory!
Topanga, you were in the shower washing your hair for, like, 11 hours!
Do you know why a husband is supposed to tell his wife
when he's gonna do something?
So she can tell him what a stupid idea it is before he does it!
Look,
I don't want you to think that you're not my best friend. Okay?
And I do not want you to think that I would ever hurt you.
Why was it a stupid idea?
Because you hurt someone's feelings!
Rachel's. And mine.
Oh, great, the butt!
All right, look. I'm glad you're both here. Listen to me.
I've been reading a lot about this guy named Gandhi.
Gandhi's an Indian.
He's a Cherokee, I think, but it's not really what's important.
Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully.
Now, the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue.
Okay, see, to have a dialogue, somebody has to talk.
"Somebody has to talk." Yeah.
So, who's gonna go first?
Oh, to hell with you, man.
Now, see, that's good. Let's build from that.
To hell with you, too.
I don't think you guys are getting it,
so I'm gonna skip right ahead to the next chapter,
which is, of course, "The Hunger Strike."
I will not eat or drink until the two of you make up.
Okay, go! Om.
Looks good.
You got a cheeseburger there?
Have a little bit of pie?
It's fine, it's fine.
(CHANTING) Yum.
Oh, I'm so freaking hungry!
Eric, butt out!
I can't butt out. I'm the peacemaker.
That's why I was on both sides. Remember? Shh.
You weren't on anybody's side.
What are you talking about? Everybody wanted me!
No. Nobody wanted you!
What?
Nobody wanted you on their team!
What did you do that for?
Don't tell me what to do, moron!
Look, I know I do crazy things sometimes.
I hope you still love me.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm not talking to you, either.
What? Come on, Topanga, you and I are on the same team.
Oh, sure we are. Right.
Well, here. Here's my coffee.
Why don't you make a toast?
Hey, Angela. I'm not talking to you.
I'm not talking to you, either!
And I'm not talking to you!
Are you talking to me? Shut up!
Okay.