(THEME SONG PLAYING)
He really takes this seriously, doesn't he?
Oh, he's a birthday freak.
I can't take this pressure every year!
I'm gonna be in therapy over this, aren't I?
We'll get a group rate, honey.
Not gonna happen!
This year you have wisely chosen Eric Matthews
as the "Alan Matthews birthday-party planner."
Bravo to you.
You are the right man for the job, sweetie.
Yes, I am! Yes, I am!
All right, listen. Here's the key as I see it.
Dad was a Navy man, which means he'll use any means,
even torture, to find out about this party.
Dad was a cook in the Coast Guard.
Daddy was a Navy SEAL!
Don't you ever... Mom, Mom, Mom!
He's doing it again! Mom!
Hi!
Hello! Hi!
Tell him nothing!
(ERIC SCURRYING UPSTAIRS)
Three more days.
I'm gonna be so happy in three more days.
Anybody know why? Huh?
Morgan?
I'm not playin'.
What a baby!
46. The big four-six.
What do you get a 46-year-old, huh?
Anyone, anyone?
Oh, Alan, leave us the hell alone.
Hey!
Shawnie! Angela! What's up, Ang?
Tell them. There's nothing to tell.
Tell us what?
Nothing. I got a letter from my mom, from Virna.
Have you opened it? No.
Tear it up!
Cory, I haven't heard from her in three years.
Just tear it up!
Hey, Shawn.
Hey, Mr. Matthews!
Happy birthday in three days, right? 46?
This is what I'm talking about, people!
This is a good boy!
Shawn, look. Everything's going great for you, okay?
You've got friends.
You've got a beautiful, honest, sweet,
loving woman that loves you.
Well, thanks, Cory. Shut up!
You've made peace with your father's death.
You've made peace with your loony mother. Okay?
There's no good in that letter.
Cory, maybe Shawn needs to take a look at that letter
for reasons you can't see right now.
Gee, Mom, you know, I'm... I'm looking around the room here,
trying to see if anyone asked your opinion.
I don't see anyone. Is anyone... No?
Look, you want an opinion, you ask Topanga, okay?
Ask her! Go ahead. Topanga, tell him.
Cory, honey, I think you need to let Shawn
do whatever he wants.
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me.
Don't you ever snap at me like that in public again!
It says my mom is somewhere in Honduras.
Oh, no! He opened it.
And she's never coming back. That's nothing new.
She heard that Dad died,
and now I have the right to know something.
Shawn, put the letter back in the envelope!
Wait a minute! Maybe it's good news.
Trust me! It's not!
Shawn?
She's not my real mother.
We gotta find my mom, Jack. She's the only...
Family you have left? You gonna say that again?
Let's go on a search for your brother.
Oh, wait a minute! We don't have to. He's here.
You're my half-brother.
Okay, well, how about the other half beats the crap out of you?
Okay! Listen up, people.
Here's the plan as I see it.
We give Morgan, who will be our decoy,
some kind of poison that will make her ill.
Dad will have to take her to the hospital,
and when he's in the emergency room,
that's when the party begins.
So, let me make sure I understand this.
You're willing to poison your sister
to surprise your father.
The problem is, if Morgan goes south,
I mean, if she, actually, well, croaks,
it's gonna put a damper on the entire party.
Which is why we get horsey rides!
Notice me.
I'm Eric, on the horsey. Let's call him Pete.
The two of us together,
having fun, joy, merriment.
Cory.
I wanna be over there now.
Take me with you!
All right, if any of you need me,
I'm gonna be at the poison store.
Interesting family on Dad's side.
His great-grandfather and great-uncle were born in Scotland.
BOTH: Ah! Scottish.
And what they were known for was, well,
one day, they slaughtered their entire village.
BOTH: Ah! Slaughterers.
I come from thieves and pillagers.
I come from bad people.
Well, hey, you know, we haven't looked up your mom's side.
I've had three mothers.
Yes, uh, Virna, Ming Wa, and Elaine.
I think we can rule Ming Wa out.
Hmm. Which leaves Elaine.
Elaine McGinty. Ah, yes. Last spotted in Boston.
Hmm. She's probably sitting in a coffeehouse,
reading poetry right now.
You think Elaine's where I got my poetry thing, Cor?
No. Why not?
I just don't want you to expect anything.
Okay, I've entered all the information,
so all you have to do is hit "search,"
and they'll send you the results a few days later in the mail.
Sure you want to do this, right?
Oh, I'm sure!
Is that your final answer?
Yeah.
Okay, so when the firecrackers go off,
Rachel runs inside the house and yells...
"The Japanese are attacking. The Japanese are attacking."
Wow.
Okay, um, see, I don't believe you!
I don't believe you.
Daddy will run outside because he's a Navy SEAL!
Not! Shut it!
You, you! You gotta get your cakes!
That's the only job, is to get the cakes!
You got that, squirt?
I like when you call me "squirt."
All right, everybody!
I hold in my hand
the research result of one Elaine McGinty Hunter.
I have a mother! She's in here.
Open it! (ALL AGREEING)
Yeah, open it, because things are going great.
Everybody's happy, we're all getting along,
and who wants that?
What? Yeah! Open it.
(SIGHS)
Huh. How about that?
These Hunters are tricky people.
It must be in our blood.
If a Hunter doesn't want to be found, she won't be found.
You know, maybe we can just try again.
No, no, because every trace that we did, Jack,
they came up empty.
Maybe she got married again.
Maybe her name just changed.
Maybe she doesn't want to be found.
Yeah, maybe she doesn't want to be found by me.
You're overreacting.
Shawn, are you gonna be okay?
No, yeah, I'm fine. I knew this was a long shot.
I'm just, you know... I'm glad that I tried.
Shawn, you have a tendency to push your friends away
when these things happen to you.
Shawn, we're happy now, okay?
Don't you dare go doing something crazy to us.
Angela. Love. Kiss.
Forget about it!
Okay? I'm leaving now.
Not some big Shawn exit.
I just got stuff to do, okay?
Go on! Get outta here!
We're tired of looking at your ugly face, right, everybody?
ALL: Get out! Leave!
Listen, don't forget about my dad's party, okay?
Wouldn't miss it.
Cory?
Yeah?
What do you think he's gonna do?
Probably something that will devastate himself,
as well as everyone around him.
The usual.
Hey, Daddy-O.
(DEPRESSED) Hi.
You all sad?
Yeah.
'Cause it's your birthday, so you didn't make any plans so you could be here,
and now you're here but nobody's here doing anything?
Yeah.
Yeah? (SIGHS)
Well, you didn't make any plans for
tomorrow night, did you?
Why?
Oh, no! There's no reason. No reason at all. No reason at all.
I just don't want you to make any plans for
tomorrow night.
Tell me. No, I can't.
Tell me. I can't tell.
Tell me. (LAUGHING)
Okay, okay, okay! Big bash!
Big bash! Big luau, okay?
Tomorrow night?
But tomorrow night's not my birthday!
Tomorrow night's just tomorrow night!
I have a horsey coming.
Eric, you throw a birthday party
on a person's birthday!
Then you're not gonna be surprised! Hi!
I think I know what I'm doing, all right, Dad?
I've planned this whole thing myself.
You know, so, like, how much do you like Morgan?
What are you doing here, now?
You know, it's funny. I don't know.
Mom told me to be here at exactly 7:30 for something.
ALL: Surprise!
Whoa! Outstanding!
What's the occasion?
Oh, Eric, we used you as a decoy.
We knew you'd be stupid, so we used it against you.
I was the decoy 'cause I'm so stupid!
I am so stupid, but, hey, you know something?
That's gonna make my party for you tomorrow a big surprise, right, Dad?
Right!
(LAUGHING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(SHAWN CHUCKLES)
Surprise!
(WHISPERING) It's tomorrow night, you idiot!
Hey, Shawn!
ALL: Hey, Shawn!
Happy birthday, Cory's father.
Shawn, could I talk to you for a second?
I just want to talk to you for one second.
No, I don't wanna talk to you.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, boy.
Shawn, baby. Um, you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, baby. How are you?
It's a pleasure to see you this evening. You look great.
Shawn...
What? You disappointed?
She's disappointed.
Dude. (MOCKING) Dude!
Shawn... Shawn!
Aw, come on, man! Aw, come on, man!
Man, buddy, Shawn, hey!
Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
You're not supposed to be drinking, right?
Shawn, you know what? Let's just go sit together.
Come on. Let's go for a walk.
You still love me, huh?
Yes.
We don't have any mommies.
I know.
Shawn.
Why don't you come into the kitchen with me for a minute?
You gonna make me an omelet?
I want to have a talk with you. Now.
(LAUGHS) You're not my dad.
Yeah, well, I'm all you have...
Wait, wha... You're not my dad!
I don't have a dad.
And I don't have a mom.
I'm an orphan. I'm an old orphan.
My childhood is over.
And I never had any parents.
Oh, God! Stop whining!
I... I... I... I hate you.
I'll be your father.
(SOBBING)
You'll be what?
I want you to be a member of this family.
Alan?
We want you to be a member of this family.
Yeah, we do.
You need a mom? I'm a really good mom.
I got references.
Yeah, she's good.
She's the best I've ever had.
Do you want to adopt me?
Oh, Shawn, you have always been a part of our family.
How about we make it official?
Yeah.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SIGHS) Well, it's Cory to the rescue.
Old faithful.
Why don't you go home to your wife and leave me alone?
Sorry, Santa. I thought you were someone else.
It's cold out, son. Go home.
Wow, he really didn't follow me, huh?
Man, a guy gets married, and that's the end of me.
I'm here.
I knew you would be.
So, where we going?
I thought we'd go to the cemetery.
I thought we'd go for pie.
Cemetery.
Boysenberry.
Shawn, I don't like cemeteries.
Come on. There's a high concentration of dead people.
I haven't even visited my nana Boo Boo.
Your nana Boo Boo's not dead!
Oh, so now you're a doctor? Shawn! Come here.
Look, come back to my house.
Okay? My family offered to adopt you tonight.
Do you know how great that is?
You would actually be my brother.
You are my brother already.
So come back to my house.
There's life at my house. My family wants you there.
What's waiting for you at the cemetery?
My family.
Mine.
Hey! You havin' a good time in there with all your secrets?
Like the fact that you've been married 62 times
and never bothered to tell me who my real mother was!
What possible reason could a father have
not to tell his boy who his mom is?
CHET: Maybe the father was tryin' to protect the boy.
Hey, thanks for planting those flowers there.
You keep the place real nice and pretty
for all my many visitors.
Why didn't you tell me who my mom was?
Your mother's Virna.
No! The woman who gave birth to me.
Oh, her.
Ah, she took off.
When you were born, I said,
"Honey, it's a... Honey?"
(CHUCKLES) But don't blame her, son.
She wasn't really the mother type.
She was more...
How can I put this delicately?
A stripper.
My mom was a stripper?
The best.
Did you love her?
I did. I did love her.
Wasn't enough to hold her, though.
(SIGHS) Neither was I, I guess.
I wasn't enough to hold her.
I wasn't enough to hold Virna. No!
You were adorable.
(CHUCKLES)
You had that little butt that Virna loved to powder.
Women did not find my butt adorable, however.
They kicked it around pretty good during my life.
The truth is, you had a lousy mother.
And a lousy father.
You come from a long line of lousy, boy.
Yeah, I know.
(SIGHS)
You got dealt a bad hand, son.
I'm sorry about it.
You know, the Matthews offered to adopt me.
(LAUGHS) Whoa! I know.
That sounds like a sweet deal!
What are you talking about?
It doesn't get any better than the Matthews.
You'd be tradin' way up on that one.
Come on! You're my father.
I'm dead!
Look, take it from your dead dad.
Become a Matthews. Put it to bed.
I always thought you were the black sheep of the family.
I was. No, you weren't.
You stayed.
You raised me.
I came and went. I tried...
You did a good job with me, Dad.
People like me. I even have friends.
Even have someone who loves me.
Hold on to her. I will.
Just like I'm holding on to you.
Well,
why would you want to do that?
Because I'm proud of you!
You're the one who started to turn this family around.
You're proud of me?
I couldn't be prouder.
(CHUCKLING) Ain't that a kick?
I tried to tell you at the hospital.
Well, I... I... I couldn't really hear you, you know.
I was goin', "Ohh! Oh! Oh!"
I hear you now.
Thank you. For being my father.
You love me, huh?
Ain't that a kick?
Well,
maybe I can finally get a little sleep.
CORY: Shawn?
Did you do what you needed to do?
Yeah, I did.
Hi, Mr. Hunter.
How you doin'?
You know, me and Topanga got married.
I wish you could've been there.
Shawn's gonna be okay.
I hope you're happy.
He is, Cor.
Thanks.
I'm sorry,
but I can't be a Matthews.
I understand.
The invitation is always on the table.
Thank you.
But I have a feeling there's too much repair work
I gotta do for the Hunter clan.
Yeah.
You know, Shawn, if you ever change your mind,
you know you have family here.
I know.
Um... Look, I'm so sorry I ruined your party.
Happy birthday.
(SURPRISED GASP)
Oh!
That is such a stupid gift!
Watch how mad Dad gets!
"To my Dad."
I'll keep this for the rest of my life.
Actually, that's from both of us, here, Dad. See the...
There is one thing you can do for me, though.
Name it!
Yell at me like you yell at Cory and Eric.
Is that what you want?
That's what I want. Really give it to me!
I'm not afraid.
ALL: Uh-oh! Give it to him!
Oh, you're not afraid, huh?
Well, maybe you should be a little afraid,
because I'm a Navy damn SEAL!
That's where I got that from!
He used to yell at me all the time!
You want another beer, Shawn?
Why don't you go get one in the fridge, huh?
So maybe you can lose an arm!
Ooh!
How am I doing?
Great. You're doing great.
Don't do these things anymore. It scares your friends.
I know it scares me.
And they love you.
Yeah. I do.
Never leave.
I won't.
Someday, you may want to buy a house,
and you're going to come to me!
I think this is about us.
It's a nice touch.
Well, I got news for you.
Get a job!
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.