(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(SPITS)
(HANDLE RATTLING)
So, how many we expecting tonight?
Put out over 300 fliers. Big crowd tonight, Luther.
Big crowd, big money, lots of beautiful women,
and none of it's legal. Excellent!
Dude! This must be that Floating Rave
the school has been trying to bust.
You think we should call the cops?
Are you nuts?
That's Crazy Luther Montolfo. He's insane.
Crazy Luther? The guy who sells the stereo products at low, low prices?
No. Crazy Luther who chewed off his own brother's finger.
Don't go near this guy, man. He's psycho!
Yeah, but think about it. We turn him in, we're heroes.
That would look good on my resume.
Get a new job, buy a beautiful house,
and hire a security guard to shoot you on sight
if you ever come near my property.
Sounds a little hostile, but I wish you well.
Oh, now I feel bad.
Aw!
Let's go. Go!
That's right.
We dropped the dime.
We 911'd your hoodlum butt!
Are you crazy?
No, no, he's crazy.
ERIC: He's Crazy Luther!
Not so tough now, are you?
You wanna chew these off? Come on, you wanna chew 'em off?
(CACKLING)
All right, now he's smiling at you.
You know what? Let him smile.
We're never gonna see this guy again.
He just threw a rave in the student union.
He is so expelled!
Eric, he didn't throw the rave.
Remember? We turned him in
before he could do anything illegal?
Oh, come on. Now, Jack, if that were the case,
then the cops would have absolutely no reason to hold him.
They'd have to let him go.
They'd have to let them all go.
I'm not gonna kill you today.
You're not?
Nah.
I'm gonna let you go home and think you're safe.
And when you think you are, you're not.
Enjoy what's left of your lives, boys.
What's gonna happen?
He's gonna kill us.
Where's Eric?
Did Luther come here?
He got him, didn't he? Eric's gone!
Oh, no! Oh, poor Eric.
(SOBBING)
He was so young and stupid.
Eric's okay.
Oh, good. Great.
Well, he's not gonna be okay for long
if we don't come up with a plan.
We gotta come up with something that is very smart.
Not that.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
No, no, no. You can do that. I'd rather die.
Fine. Die. After your funeral, I'm going shopping.
How do I look, babe?
Yes on the dress...
No on the face.
What? Too much makeup?
Too much ugly.
Eric!
Hey, whoa, whoa! It's not Eric. Don't call me Eric.
Don't ever call me Eric again.
So, who are you?
I don't know yet. Let's see...
(FOREIGN ACCENT) My name is Olga Svetlana.
I am a shot put champion. I don't shave my armpits.
Eric, you need to find your own inner woman.
(NORMAL ACCENT) Inner woman.
Discover my chickness.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Chantale. Chantale Dubois.
I'm a little French girl.
And I'm very shy.
Enchante, Chantale.
Enchante.
(GIGGLES)
(NORMAL ACCENT) Now you.
You're Lala Nelson. You're a trollop. Former drug addict.
No. No.
There's no way I'm doing this, all right? Can't we just leave town?
We can't leave town. We got midterms all week.
No! No, I'm a man! And I'm staying a man.
And I'm facing him like a man!
(POUNDING ON DOOR) (SHRIEKS)
♪ My favorite color is yellow
♪ I'm such a happy fellow
♪ It makes me jiggle like Jell-o ♪
Hello!
Who's the most wonderful husband there is?
What did you do?
Go ahead. Put on something sexy and thank me.
You... You chose yellow.
And not just any yellow, baby. Okay?
This is the same yellow that they use
to paint those lines in the street.
How 'bout that?
How 'bout that.
Look at this.
$3.99 a bucket! Same as the city pays.
You've really worked hard on this, haven't you?
I have, because, you know,
once we decided that we were gonna fix this place up,
I really wanted to put my heart and soul into it, you know?
I want you to be happy here, Topanga.
I want me to be happy here, too.
Right! Well, I've got a lot of ideas!
Let's talk about them.
No, I want to surprise you.
I mean, that look on your face when you walked in
meant so much to me, Topanga.
This look?
Yes! Yes!
I've never seen you look like that before.
I mean, it makes me want to surprise you every day
for the rest of our lives.
How long do you think that'll be?
I don't know. It's a surprise.
Where are you going now?
Cork World!
(GREETING IN FRENCH)
Wow!
(FRENCH ACCENT) You see, Lala? You see how simple it is?
Lala!
Where did she go?
Lala! Girlfriend!
I believe it's time for you to make your debut.
This is crazy, Eric.
(NORMAL ACCENT) It's not crazy. And don't call me Eric, Jack.
How you doin'? How you doin'?
(EXCLAIMS)
(FRENCH ACCENT) This is my friend Lala.
She too shy.
Yeah, well, I wanna talk to just her, okay?
You do not wish to talk to me?
No.
I, however, do wish to talk to you.
Oh!
It's Monsieur Feeny!
Don't be a buttinsky.
It's a very long story. You will not figure it out.
What's to figure?
He's pretty and you look like a bison.
What?
Hmm. Double D's. Just like your grades.
I look like a bison?
No, no, he was just saying that.
Really, don't take it so hard.
How can I not take it hard?
I see all the men look at me and point at me
and avert their eyes and choke back their vomit.
Dude! Dude! Keep it down, all right?
No! No.
I am butt ugly!
(SOBBING)
No, don't look at me, Lala. Just let me die here!
(WOMAN'S VOICE) Okay, whatever.
I swear, Lala,
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
(BELCHES) Oh!
(JACK GIGGLES)
Damn.
Excuse me. It must have been the bad crepe.
(SOBBING)
So, you got a boyfriend?
Positively not. (BREATHING NERVOUSLY)
You want one? Positively not!
Oh.
Come on, Lala.
I'll take you places you've never been before.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Bet you've never been there before, either.
Oh, boy.
(MUFFLED) Topanga! Topanga!
(LAUGHS) You are not gonna believe this one!
Cork World is going out of business.
Can you believe that?
What?
Yeah! I bought everything they had!
Look at this. This is a Cork coffee table.
Do you realize the money we are gonna save on coasters?
What if I want coasters?
Got 'em anyway!
Wait. Where are you going now?
Topanga, I just bought two tons of Cork.
Where do you think I'm going?
I wouldn't know.
Wrong! Thumbtack City.
You love him. Just remember you love him.
Do not forget you love him.
At least he still finds you attractive.
Excuse me?
(CRYING) I just don't think that the way a person looks
should make them the object of ridicule.
(SOBBING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Come on. Let's go somewhere more private.
Oh, no. No!
No! We must get off this crazy train.
Yeah, let's get crazy!
Come on, I'm taking you to dinner.
Oh, dear. Oh.
(NORMAL VOICE) He thinks I'm pretty.
He's taking me out.
Oh, sure, rub it in!
And who's gonna take me out, the zookeeper?
Topanga, Topanga,
you have to come back to the apartment and see what I did.
No, I don't need to see it.
No, you do, you have to see.
Because after the yellow and the cork, I had an idea.
I'm sure it's beautiful. It is.
It was my best idea yet. Want me to tell you?
I'm sure I'll see it.
Now? When? No. Someday.
Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go back and finish it up.
Okay. Have fun.
I can't wait for you to see it.
(CRYING)
Are you all right?
No, Topanga, I am not!
I'm sorry, do we know each other?
Oh, you're Topanga. Everyone knows you. You're beautiful.
You have a wonderful husband who loves you.
And I'll never have a husband
'cause I'm a shy, ugly, little French girl!
No, no, you're not.
Really?
Look, we all have our problems.
I mean, my husband who loves me also...
Corky?
Cory.
Our house is corky. And yellow.
And I really don't like it at all,
but I don't have the heart to tell him.
Oh, but you should. I should?
Yes. He would not want to do anything that would make you unhappy.
But he's so excited.
But what would make him really excited
is to do something that would make you happy.
You think?
Do you love him?
More than anything.
Does he love you?
For our whole lives.
Then trust him. It will all work out okay.
Thank you!
Thank you for caring.
You seem like such a nice girl.
So do you.
Chantale Dubois.
Ow! Okay.
Well, it's nice to meet a new friend, Chantale,
especially one with such a beautiful spirit.
(STUTTERS) Did you just say that I was beautiful?
Yeah, I did.
And I meant it. You are beautiful.
(SOBBING) I am?
Yeah.
Maybe we could be friends.
Oh. We would be such great friends!
Yeah!
But I'm sorry, I can't. Sorry.
Ow. Why not?
Because soon I will be gone.
Gone where?
Either back to France or killed by Crazy Luther!
The stereo guy?
No. The guy who bites off the fingers.
Oh.
Oh! But before I go,
I just want to thank you so much
for calling me beautiful. (MUMBLING)
(CRYING)
Au revoir, Chantale.
I don't know what that means, but goodbye.
Goodbye.
(GIGGLES AWKWARDLY)
Ooh!
So, I bought you dinner and shoes.
You coming back to my place or not?
No!
You think you can buy me for a pair of sling-backs?
Well, what'll it take?
Well, some hockey sticks and, uh,
baseball cleats, and what kind of car do you drive?
'89 Firebird T-Top.
I'd want that.
You ain't gettin' that.
Then you ain't gettin' nothin'!
Fine.
You've been nothing but a big distraction anyway.
Distraction! From what?
From killing those two idiots.
I'm gonna get a couple of my boys and I'm gonna pound those two.
Thanks to you, I'm very frustrated.
Oh! Oh!
I wouldn't want to be responsible for any violence.
What does violence solve?
It solves that I'm not disrespected in front of my boys.
I will not be made to look the fool.
Oh, I see.
You don't want to be embarrassed in front of your pals.
That's right.
Well, when Lala hears all that He-Man talk,
it gets her feeling a little snuggly.
It does?
Uh-huh.
Oh, Chantale!
Oh! Look at us.
Aren't we just pretty as a picture?
Get a camera.
Go, get a camera! Go!
A camera?
Oh, yes. Yes, I just love taking pictures.
Don't you?
Whatever turns you on, baby.
Oh, Chantale. Hello!
Hello!
Let's take a picture
of Luther and I documenting our passion.
Why?
Because Luther values his reputation more than anything.
And I'm sure his friends
would just love to see a picture of him and me.
(NORMAL VOICE) But, dude, you're not even...
Just take the picture! (WOMAN'S VOICE) Okay.
Okay, now pucker your lips and close your eyes,
and you will get a big surprise.
(CHUCKLES)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Okay, now open your eyes.
(NORMAL VOICE) How you doin'?
Ahhh!
Let's discuss your reputation, pal.
It's you!
(NORMAL VOICE) Hello!
It's both of you! I'll kill you both!
I don't think so.
Yeah, you see this right here?
You even look at us wrong again,
this picture is going on the school web page.
Ding!
Fine. I won't look at you wrong.
I won't look at you at all.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm beautiful on the inside,
and on the inside, you're a pig!
(EXCLAIMING)
Man, I cannot wait to go home
and get out of these clothes.
Eric?
I have never felt so alive in my life.
I just want to... Mmm.
Cory, I just want you to know that I love you,
and no matter what you did to the apartment,
it's fine with me.
(GROANS)
Cory, I just...
What did you do?
You know, you keep saying that.
It's beautiful!
Oh, what, it wasn't beautiful before?
No! Actually, it was hideous.
So, why didn't you tell me?
Because I know you.
I know how much work you put into this
and I didn't want to make you feel bad.
Well, Topanga, I know you, too.
Okay? I've known you all my life.
And I know you didn't like what I was doing,
so I changed it.
Well, I love it now.
Show me what else you've done.
Well, I'm glad you love it, Topanga.
And if there's ever something that I do
that you don't love, all you have to do is tell me.
I mean, it's not like it's gonna hurt the marriage here.
We're a team, you know?
And if you don't like something, Topanga,
then I don't like something.
I don't like the mirror over the bed.
Tough!
All right.
We got the 3-ball in the side pocket.
Hmm?
What?
Why are you talking like that?
What do you mean? I'm a man, all right?
This is how a man talks.
This is how a man dresses.
And this is how a man walks.
And this right here is how a man shoots stick, huh?
Jack, you're overcompensating.
Hey, what are you lookin' at?
You lookin' at me? You want a piece of me, my friend?
Get out of my eyesight!
Man! I bet Eric's readjusting to his manhood better than you.
Hello!
Maybe not.
Hello, you two boys.
Oh, it's such a beautiful day outside,
but not nearly as beautiful as me on the inside.
Eric, we're in the clear.
You don't have to be a woman anymore.
Oh, I know. But, see, I just discovered how beautiful I was,
so I've decided to stay like this forever.
It is so satisfying and rewarding
to be in touch with one's feminine side.
(NORMAL VOICE) Now I'm gonna get in touch
with her feminine side, so excuse me.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Hello! Hello, we can be best friends!
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, come on! Everyone experiments in college!