Larry: In the name of all that is decent and holy,
what is that revolting concoction?
It's a kale, fish-oil, dill, pollen, quinoa smoothie.
Marty and I have our 25th high-school reunion coming up,
and I want to look amazing. [Chuckles]
Reunion! Oh, that sounds wonderful!
It's a chance to see old friends and relive old memories
and reminisce about days gone by.
Nah, it's more like a contest
to see whose life turned out the best.
But I am not gonna play that game. No way.
Tina Giannulli, my high-school frenemy, might play, but not me.
When was the last time you ate solid food?
[Gulps] Four days ago.
Deb! Deb!
Guess who just got invited to play our reunion.
Motor Baut.
[Chuckles] Wow!
Motor boat... I have not heard that name in the longest time.
It's "Baut," Deb. "Baut." It's "boat."
The name of your high-school band was "Motor Boat."
That's because everyone ignores the two little dots over the "u."
Am I the only one who knows what an umlaut is? God!
Motor Baut was the greatest high-school band
in the history of the 1980s.
I was just rhythm guitar, but I loved those guys
like they're my brothers, and now it's time
to get back into our leather pants and rock!
Motor Baut!
Oh. Marty, are you sure that's a good idea?
- Can you even find those stinky old leather pants? ♪ she's Satan's siren
♪ she'll ruin your life
♪ she's Satan's siren, she's causing you strife ♪
What the hell is going on? Rock 'n' roll, baby!
Motor Baut! Yeah! Whoo!
I'm gonna... I'm g... I'll clean that up now.
♪
♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪
♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪
♪ then the humans moved next door ♪
♪ started testing all our limits ♪
♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com
[Laughing] Isn't this the most fun you ever had
in your entire life?
Who needs a girlfriend when you can have this kind of fun?
Wha-ha-whoo!
I don't know. This feels a little dangerous.
And I have a sweater to finish, so...
No! Don't go!
I'm heartbroken over my breakup with Amber.
If I stop laughing, I'll start crying.
I feel your pain, dawg, but get it together!
"Fast and Furious" night with the Weaver kids is coming up.
Me and Amber in the same room?
I'm sorry, Dick,
but I'm afraid our "Fast and the Furious" Fridays
are a thing of the past.
It looks like my brother's sad love life
just became my problem.
Marty: In my defense, how many guys can wear
the same pair of pants they wore 25 years ago?
I'm not sure what that number is,
but subtract 1 from it.
Come on, Larry. Don't make me feel insecure
about my appearance, okay?
I'm intimidated enough already.
This was a seriously good-looking group of guys.
Marty, has it ever occurred to you
you might be putting your former bandmates on a pedestal
and they couldn't possibly be that... good God.
Those are some gorgeous men.
- I'm hideous. - Right?
I just hope the guys aren't still mad at Debbie.
- They hate me. - Hate you?
How could anybody hate you?
I'll tell you everything
while you help me get pretty for the reunion.
At your service, Debbie Weaver!
Ow! Ooh, yeah.
Things started out fine with Debbie and the guys.
And then they turned on her, one by one.
Eventually, I was forced to choose
between my girl and the music.
I chose Debbie. The band broke up over it.
I guess you could say Debbie was our yoko.
I guess I was their Yoko.
If before she got with John,
she dated Paul, George, and Ringo.
And Pete best. And a few of the stones.
No!
You were romantically involved
with all of the guys in the band?
- And the girl who played backup synth. - Debbie Weaver!
Oh, come on, Jackie.
You know the whole musician thing.
No, I do not know the whole musician thing.
Oh, being onstage with an instrument
makes ugly guys handsome, short guys tall,
and the hot guys in Motor Boat so hot
that I just had to stick my tongue in their mouths.
Ooh. That's disgusting.
They had this blue light that they used onstage.
It was so moody.
Oh, I broke all their hearts.
They wrote a lot of songs about me.
There was this one about a boat that crashed
and sank on a treacherous shore.
Are you sure it wasn't just a song about a boat?
Oh, Jackie, it's never just about a boat.
Our best song was all about a boat... "Satan's siren."
Marty, were you actually in this band,
or were you just walking by when the photo was taken?
- Shane was the star. - I've never seen such a specimen.
I'm hoping that the years have leveled the field somewhat.
I mean, I see guys my age at the grocery store.
They are not holding up so well.
You cannot put a price on this hairline.
[Doorbell rings]
- Marty! - Marty!
You guys look great. Come in.
Killer spot, dude!
[Whistles] Nice pad, Marty.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Let's go have a couple of beers.
We'll catch up while we wait for Shane.
Marty, Shane's no longer with us.
What? Oh, God. No. He didn't...
No, no. He's fine. He married his yoga teacher.
She's, like, 23.
Poor guy's so tired, he had to give up music.
[Chuckles] A fate worse than death.
Except for the 23-year-old yoga-teacher part.
Hey, guys.
Nice to see you again.
- Deborah. - Deborah.
Listen, Marty, we know it's a lot of pressure,
but maybe you should try playing lead guitar.
Oh, yeah. I don't know. I-I could try that out, I guess.
Sure. You want to hit the garage?
- Let's rock. - All right, bro.
Just like old days, huh?
This out of the way.
Shane wanted you to have this.
The Shane saw.
Thanks, guys. Gentlemen, let's rock.
One, two, three, four.
[Discordant music plays]
Stop that infernal noise this minute!
Good God, I could get lost in those eyes.
Hey, Larry, we're kind of busy right now, buddy.
You a musician, dude?
Um, well, I dabbled in the ukulele, dude.
You got a good vibe,
and we're short a rhythm guitarist,
if you want in.
No, no. No, guys, guys, hold on.
Larry knows nothing about rock music.
Come on. Give the dude a chance.
Seriously? Give him the chain saw, bro.
[Sighs]
Mm.
Let's see.
[Discordant notes play]
Not as easy as I make it look, is it, Larry?
Excuse me. I never tried this before.
[Melodic chords play]
I think I'm getting it.
Things take practice, you know.
[Electric guitar playing]
Ooh. Yes, I'm really getting the hang of it now.
That took a while.
[Electric guitar solo]
This Amber-and-Reggie breakup
is more problematic than I realized.
Amber's in her sixth stage of Amber grief...
Make everyone around you cry.
Which were also stages one through five.
If we want "Fast and Furious" Fridays,
then we're gonna have to "Parent Trap" them.
[Knock on door]
What the hell do you want?
I come bearing tidings from my brother.
- Amber wrote this for me? - Mm-hmm.
My heart is already singing.
"Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
"but bears it out even to the edge of doom.
Your friend, Reggie."
Wow! I didn't know the kid had it in him.
"If you want to get back together
"so we can watch 'Tokyo Drift'
"with three adorable children, check box 'a.'
if not, check 'b.' But check 'a.'"
she also included a "my little pony" sticker
to sweeten the deal.
Sorry, guys.
♪ She's Satan's siren
♪ she's Satan's siren
♪ ye-e-e-ah
yeah!
[Note plays]
[Song ends]
Larry, how would you like to be our lead guitarist.
- What?! - Sure.
Hold on, guys.
Wait, look, Larry's great and all,
but I don't know if we're gonna...
Come on, Marty.
It's pretty obvious that Larry Bird
was meant to be the new leader of Motor Baut.
Yeah. It's pretty obvious.
Yeah, yeah. Totally. No, I see... I see that.
I'm gonna go, uh, get us some sodas out of the fridge.
Marty? One last thing before you go.
They took my pants, Deb.
Who took your pants, honey?
The band.
Yeah, they'll do that.
♪
♪ Our three ships landed on the same shore ♪
♪ we each had a shot, every one of us scored ♪
♪ we three vikings made out with the shore ♪
♪ and we never were found, yeah ♪
♪ she's Satan's siren, she'll ruin your life ♪
Oh. High-school reunions are so wonderful.
Must be so nice to have all these people
you share a past with.
You're so lucky, Debbie Weaver.
Yeah, yeah. I wonder if Tina's here yet.
Lorraine Warner? It is so good to see you.
Oh. Thank you.
That's the third person
to call me "Lorraine" since we've arrived.
Yeah, um, Bayonne High was like 90% Italian.
The rest were Irish.
There was one black girl, Lorraine Warner.
- So everyone thinks that I'm her. - Yeah. I'm sorry.
But don't you see?
If I'm Lorraine Warner, then I have a past.
It's like being home again.
I have to go catch up with my old friends.
Wait a sec. Don't tell me.
Uh... um...
Debbie Alper?
[Both chuckle]
Uh, let me think. Uh...
Tina... Giannulli?
Ah. Come here, you!
♪ She's Satan's siren
♪ she's Satan's siren
♪ ye-e-e-ah
♪ aha, ye-e-e-ah
yeah!
[Cheers and applause]
Greetings, suburban middle-aged mediocrities.
I am Larry Bird, and we are Motor Baut.
And we'll be back in a short while to rock some more.
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, Larry, this reunion was my chance to rock again
after all these years, and you're ruining it for me.
I think that it's time you stepped aside.
After all the time and effort I put
into being the world's greatest guitar player?
Yes.
Gentlemen of Motor Baut, it's come to my attention
that Marty Weaver would like me to leave the band.
Marty, are you seriously trying to sabotage this band again?
Not sabotage, per se.
Look, I know we all made out with your wife,
but that was years ago, man.
- Get over yourself. - Wait. What?
So, after my nationally televised appearance
on the hit ABC show "Shark Tank,"
Barbara saw raw potential in me,
and she encouraged me to enroll in business school.
Oh, well, Debbie,
a strong foundation in business is a wonderful thing.
Which is why my husband and I
just donated a library to a business school.
Library? Oh, you mean like the books.
Sure.
The books, the walls, the floor, the ceiling.
The hard part was figuring out a name,
because the school gymnasium already had our name on it.
[Chuckles] [Chuckles]
That's tough.
Oh.
[Door closes]
All right, quick, somebody make sure
there's a tight tourniquet to stop the bleeding.
If we act fast enough, we can save the arm.
What the hell is going on?
Reggie, I have a confession to make.
Max didn't really chop off his arm.
Well, since we're here, we might as well
stick around and see which way Tokyo is drifting.
Am I right?
Guys, listen, Amber and I aren't together anymore.
We're not gonna be hanging out like we used to.
But you're still next-door neighbors.
Yeah, doesn't that trump former lovers?
Okay, never use the word "lovers" again.
And, also, when you're exes,
sometimes you need a long cooling-off period.
It's not gonna be the same. This is between me and Amber.
We're still gonna be your big brother and big sister,
just not together.
[Sighs]
I think we just found out which way Tokyo's drifting.
Honestly, bro, where do you think
all our great songs came from?
"Satan's siren," "The tramp from Bayonne."
"Dirty Debbie." I mean, come on.
I thought that song was about the lunch lady in the cafeteria
who never changed her apron.
Mm... nope.
It took me 25 years to figure out
that "Satan's siren" isn't just about a boat?
Dude, it's never just about a boat.
♪
Lorraine, remember the time
you set off that cherry bomb inside Mrs. Schwartz's car?
[New Jersey accent] Well, she was just begging for it,
always busting my chops all the time.
I always thought you were the coolest girl at school.
[Chuckles] You girls are too cute.
Too cute.
Anyway, with the twins away at Harvard,
we spend most of our time at the Turks and Caicos house.
Hmm. Well, congratulations, Tina.
You win.
Win? [Scoffs]
Well, Debbie, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Sure, you don't.
I may not have mansions or vacation homes
or prize-winning poodles, but I have something
that is way more important than that... my family.
I have three wonderful kids, a husband I adore.
Our relationship is rock solid.
You made out with every guy in my band?
- You're Satan's siren! - What?
This whole relationship is built on lies.
This marriage is a sham.
I know a great divorce attorney from my country club.
Oh, shut up, Tina!
♪
You see that sandwich?
It's me. The leftover.
The last choice.
You know, I think a more apt metaphor
is that Debbie is like this party sandwich
in that everybody here has already had a piece.
You know, this just reinforces my feelings
about being second-rate.
You know, backup guitarist, backup boyfriend,
backup husband.
Maybe. Sure.
You know, Larry, I was mad at you
for stealing the spotlight, but let's be honest.
The spotlight was never mine to begin with.
♪
Hello.
Would you like me to sign your breast, wing, or thigh?
I have an awesome idea!
Let's all go down the shore in my Camaro,
get some hoagies and Italian ices at Jersey free...
♪
Having fun, Lorraine?
♪ Take me in your arms
[British accent] If anybody asks, you're in ad sales.
♪ Suddenly, I feel light-headed ♪ - mnh-mnh-mnh.
♪ The room is spinning, I've lost my senses ♪
[All murmuring]
♪
I'm sorry, Marty.
I should have told you about Rob.
And John.
And Shane.
And Trudy.
How do you think I feel, Deb?
Finding out 25 years after high school
that I was your last choice.
So I kissed the other guys in your band.
But then you and I got together, and everyone else fell away.
You weren't my last choice, Marty.
You were my best choice.
You won, Marty. We both did.
So come on. Are we okay?
I don't know, Deb. I think I need more time.
[Sighs]
♪ I'm lying alone with my head on the phone ♪
♪ thinking of you till it hurts ♪
[Indistinct conversations]
♪ I know you hurt, too, but what else can we do? ♪
♪ Tormented and torn apart - not Lorraine anymore.
For a little while,
it was nice to be somebody who had old friends.
Well, I'm your friend.
And this reunion's making me feel pretty old.
- Oh, Jackie. ♪ it would make me believe what tomorrow could bring ♪
Playing "remember when" is a dangerous game.
♪ I'm all out of love
♪ I'm so lost without you - coming back to these reunions,
we're trying to recapture the feeling of our teenage years,
but is that a place you really want to go back to?
♪ I'm all out of love, what am I without you? ♪
We romanticize high school, but the truth is it wasn't easy.
♪ I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong ♪
There were tough times, broken hearts,
friends that let you down.
♪ I want you to come back and carry me home ♪
- Marty. ♪ away from these long, lonely nights ♪
I got carried away being a living God.
These pants belong to you.
♪ Does the feeling seem, oh, so right? - Really, Larry?
- Thank you. ♪ and what would you say if I called on you now? ♪
You have to put them back on, though. Security's coming.
They'll never catch me.
Rock 'n' roll!
Debbie: But sometimes, if you're really lucky,
some of the best things from high school
stay with you forever.
[Tapping]
This... this song is for my wife, Debbie.
I-I realized something tonight.
I was a, uh, backup rhythm guitarist
who was never really in the blue light.
But somehow,
the most amazing woman in the world still saw me.
I'm the luckiest sailor ever.
♪
♪ After she pillaged and plundered our hearts ♪
♪ she ended up more viking than us ♪
♪ that good-for-nothing two-timer ♪
♪ and her siren call
Yeah.
♪ She's Satan's siren, she changed my life ♪
♪ she's Satan's siren, I made her my wife ♪
♪ she's Satan's siren, I need her tonight ♪
♪ Debbie Weaver, you make everything right ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you, Bayonne High! I love you guys!
- I love you. - Oh, I love you, too, baby.
I think these are the P.E. teacher's panties.
Well, that's rock 'n' roll, baby.
[Crowd chanting]
♪ She's Satan's siren
♪ she's Satan's siren
♪ ye-e-e-ah
♪ we thought we were tough
♪ we were vikings, after all
♪ we thought we were strong enough ♪
♪ we had all the gold
♪ how did she end up with that
♪ lead cannonball?
Yeah.