Hey, so, the kids gave me their final Christmas list.
What's the damage?
Well, it's the usual.
Amber wants a new car. Abby wants a pony.
Oh, Max wants the girl from the "blurred lines" video.
Oh. Which one?
What? There's more than one?
Yuletide greetings, Weavers!
Hey.
I just got your family gift,
and I think you're going to love it.
Also, we were wondering if we could borrow a wreath
and a tree, some decorations, some wrapping paper.
Some lights. Maybe some lights.
Oh, sorry, buddy.
But we have our own Christmas to get ready for. Right, hon?
Let me see that.
A car? A pony? [ Chuckles ]
Sounds like you should get your children jobs for Christmas.
Says the man living off his wife's Taco Kingdom paycheck.
These first few things on the list are just distractions.
See, they like to shock us with things
they know they can't get,
this way, the rest of the list seems reasonable.
It's actually kind of brilliant.
And those first few minutes
when those devious little monsters
are opening their gifts,
those are some of the happiest moments of my entire year.
So, I want to make sure
I'm getting them exactly what they want.
Oh, sounds fun. You know what we do?
We actually pay attention to our children,
that way we don't need a list to know what they want.
So, father, does this mean
I'm getting an ant farm for Christmas?
What?! Ant farm?!
Don't be stupid. You want a train set.
Ohh.
What's wrong with an ant farm?
It's a great toy for a boy Dick's age.
It's educational.
Yeah, I had one when I was a kid.
Oh, is that why you grew up to be
one of the world's leading scientific researchers?
Oh, no, wait. You sell high chairs.
Son, you will get what I give you,
and you will be delighted by it.
- But, father, I... - Delighted!
Crap.
Great parenting, there, Lar
excuse me, but I'll have you know
that I have a mug in my house
that says I am the world's greatest father.
He does. He bought it himself.
And they wouldn't sell it to me if it wasn't true.
- That would be illegal. - It's true.
Well, Larry, I have a mug that says I'm Mrs. Clooney.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, no. I'm okay with it.
♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪
♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪
♪ then the humans moved next door ♪
♪ started testing all our limits ♪
♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com
and a Merry Christmas, everybody!
[ All shouting ]
Child: Merry Christmas! And there you are!
I can't wait to show you all the gifts I made.
I thought we agreed not to do too much.
Yeah, we did.
But it's our first Christmas as a couple,
and I want it to be special.
And I'm okay that you're not comfortable
with the whole gift-giving thing.
Reggie, when you do more for me than I do for you,
I don't love it.
It makes me feel like a crappy girlfriend.
It does?
Yeah. A little.
It's okay. Just maybe take it down a notch.
It's only Christmas.
[ Gasping ]
It's on... [ Snorts ]
Kid with the crutches dies.
Wha...
What is Larry's deal?
Why won't he get Dick what he wants for Christmas?
Honestly, hon,
I don't think it's gonna be the kid's biggest issue.
He's so stern with Dick and set in his ways.
And with Jackie working,
Larry is Dick's primary influence,
and he's so inflexible and demanding
and just so frigging weird.
I mean, why would he choose his own human form
but still need to wear glasses?
You ever think of that?
Huh. That is weird.
- Right? - Yeah.
I'm getting Dick that ant farm.
Oh, no, no! Please, honey, no.
How Larry raises his son is none of our business.
Hey, dad. Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. What's up, buddy?
Okay, there's something I want for Christmas
that I didn't put on my list.
Okay.
I want a princess Leia doll.
A doll? Oh, like an action figure?
No. A princess Leia doll. Understand?
Uh-huh. I think so. Yeah.
Cool.
Interesting.
Can you say something helpful, please?
Oh, he probably just thinks it's hot.
It's nothing to worry about.
When you were his age, you wanted a-a easy-bake oven.
Yeah, but then Christmas morning,
my father smashed it with a baseball bat
and said, "Merry Christmas, Martha. Here's a bat."
So, then, don't be like your dad, and buy him a doll.
You know what? You're right.
I'm not my dad.
All right, what's the big deal?
If my son wants a doll, then I'm gonna get him a doll.
You know what? I'll get him 100 dolls.
Pretty ones.
Or, you know, just the one doll for our son.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hello, Jane.
How's my son's intergalactic soul mate?
Good. Busy.
- Takes a lot of hard work to look this good. - What?
No, I'm just kidding. It's super easy.
[ Laughs ] Hello, Jane.
Thank you, mother.
Hi, Reggie.
I just wanted to come by
and give you your Christmas present.
Oh. Thank you. I'm sure this is...
Perfect.
It's something you've been
subconsciously wanting for awhile now.
I brought it with me from Zabvron.
And who knows? Maybe when you're ready,
we can go back there together and start a family.
Who knows what the universe has in store for us?
Merry Christmas, Reggie.
- Merry Christmas. - I love you.
[ Doorbell rings ]
This is terrible.
Is it Gwyneth Paltrow's head?
Because I'd be okay with that.
It's Reggie Jackson's Christmas gift from Jane.
She brought it with her from Zabvron,
and I think he's going to love it.
Okay, well, thanks for stopping by and freaking me out.
Listen, storm cloud, I have accepted that Reggie Jackson
will eventually end up with a woman.
If that has to happen, I would much rather
that it's a sullen pain in the tokus from next door
over the Pollyanna soul mate
who wants to take him to another planet.
So, what are you saying?
I want to take you shopping
to get Reggie Jackson the perfect Christmas gift.
Is this the first conversation we've ever had?
Yes, I think so.
How's it going so far?
I'll let you know. I'm on the fence.
♪ Stille Nacht
♪ Heilige Nacht
Father, I was hoping to talk to you again
about the ant farm.
It's not happening. Here. Check this out.
I got your mother that video camera she's been wanting.
[ Camera beeps ] Wait a second.
[ Sniffing ]
Is that a train set?
No, it's an ant farm I sprayed with train scent.
Yes. It's a train set.
Now it won't be a surprise.
Father, train sets are for 6-year-olds
and impotent middle-aged men
looking to spend less time with their wives.
Dick, I'm not getting you an ant farm.
You're better than that.
I'm taking this up with Santa.
[ Chuckles ]
What he doesn't know is this.
I did spray it with train scent.
I've been working on this ant farm for months.
Actually, it's not just an ant farm.
It's a plantation. [ Laughs ]
It's... it's an "antation." [ Laughs ]
Oh, good lord. What is this?
[ Gasps ]
It must be for me. [ Laughs ]
Who else could it be for? [ Sighs ]
[ Knock on door ]
Hang on, Katie. What's up?
Abby, I need your help.
I really want to get Amber something perfect for Christmas,
and since you know more
about what's going on in this house than anyone else,
I was hoping you could help me?
[ Sighs ]
I'm going to have to call you back.
I've got some drama to deal with here.
My sister's boyfriend.
Yeah, the one you thought was gay.
Come on.
Thanks for bringing me to see Santa.
Oh, that's no problem.
Okay. I'm gonna go buy my son a doll.
Am I doing the right thing here, Dick?
I'm about to go tell a fat stranger
that I've been a good boy and ask him for some insects.
I think we're all just feeling our way through this one.
That's well said.
Stay where I can see you.
Ho ho ho ho.
You reek of gin.
Hello, young man.
Would you like to hop up here
and tell Santa what you want for Christmas?
I don't have time for your nonsense.
I know you're not the real Santa.
Tell Santa that Dick Butkus was good all year,
and all I want is an ant farm.
Can you do that?
I guess so. Thanks.
Here's $20.
They're having a sale on deodorant downstairs.
Ho ho ho!
Is that all for Max?
Yeah, I started looking at the girls' toys.
They are way more inspiring than the boys' toys.
Did you know that Barbie has, like, 100 jobs?
Well, I also went shopping and got Dick an ant farm.
Deb.
I know. I know. You told me to mind my own business.
But bad father or not,
I am not gonna let Larry ruin Dick's Christmas.
Marty, did Dick leave his pager in your car?
He might have left it in 1997, Larry.
I'll check.
[ Sniffing ]
Hang on a second.
Is that...an ant farm?!
What?
It's my favorite present ever. Thank you, Deborah.
What is the meaning of this?
Larry, I know you s...
No, you know nothing. Nothing!
Dick, can I see that ant farm, please?
Yeah, sure. Oh, thank you.
Here.
Oh, yes. That is nice.
[ Glass shatters ] [ Sighs ]
Sorry. I think I just stepped on your ant farm.
It was an "antcident."
What the hell, Larry?!
I told you... I didn't want Dick to have an ant farm.
Poor little creatures. Ew! It's on me!
What gives you the right to try and raise my children?
I am not trying to raise your children.
I'm just trying to help you do it better.
I am an excellent father.
Then why can't Dick have an ant farm for Christmas?
Because I... [ Sighs ]
Because I have my reasons.
And since I am his father, that should be reason enough.
Dick, come on. Let's go home.
Thank you, Debbie.
That 10 seconds was the happiest of my life.
Oh, Dick. [ Clicks tongue ]
Okay.
So, the first Christmas gift I made for Amber is...
[ Air hisses ]
What is that?
It's a clone of my heart.
Seriously? How about a sweater?
Or something not from the Crazytown mall.
But I want to make a gesture
that lets her know that I love her
more than anything else in this universe.
Have you met Amber? She doesn't want that.
She wants something
that lets her know that you like her a little.
- But I love her a lot. - She knows that.
But you got to think smaller.
And just when you think you have the perfect thing,
know that it's wrong and think smaller.
Do that, like, 10 times. Then maybe you'll be close.
- What about a... - Smaller.
Right.
Now go.
♪ Snow is falling, winter's calling ♪
♪ Christmas
♪ church bells ringing - fun! Having fun!
♪ Children singing, Christmas - We should hang out more often.
See a movie or take a pottery class.
All right, calm down, spaz. Mm-hmm.
What about paint?
Oh?
Glow-in-the-dark paint. That's interesting, right?
It's crafty, unexpected.
Oh, sure.
I can always guarantee that Reggie Jackson
is not expecting for you to give him
a jar of paint for Christmas.
What about a lamp?
Reggie enjoys light and seeing things.
Sure.
I mean, it's not something
he's been subconsciously wanting
that was brought across the galaxy by his soul mate,
but it is a lamp.
Well, I can't get him normal boyfriend gifts.
I can't get him clothes because your entire family
dresses like Vijay Singh at a gospel brunch,
and I can't get him a book, because he's on a cleanse.
I have no idea what to get him.
I'm, like, the worst girlfriend ever.
Amber.
He's not expecting for you to give him the whole universe.
He just wants something that lets him know you care.
Fine.
Then I'm going with the lamp and the paint.
Oh. Okay.
[ "Deck the halls" plays ]
Rarity! She's my favorite
because she only cares about her friends and how she looks!
What every mother wants to hear.
Where's Larry? He's missing the best part.
Oh, he said he had some
last-minute Christmas elving to do, whatever that means.
Hey, buddy, this is a little something just from me.
Go ahead.
Dad, I said I wanted a princess Leia doll!
I know, but I realized what you were really saying...
that you want to be challenged a little bit,
break out of the traditional male-oriented toys
and broaden your horizons.
I get it.
I was saying I wanted a princess Leia...
In a gold bikini, because she's hot.
Told you.
[ Door opens, closes ]
Merry Christmas, everyone!
I come bearing gifts for the Weaver children.
Amber Weaver, Merry Christmas.
I got you a Prius.
- Shut up. - What's happening?
Abby, I'd like you to meet Rarity.
She only cares about her friends and how she looks.
Oh, my gosh! A real, live pony!
Larry, what the hell are you doing?
Well, I thought about what you were saying
about me being a bad parent
because I didn't get Dick exactly what he wanted
for Christmas,
and then I thought about your children's lists
and what a bad parent you were
for not getting them exactly what they wanted.
So, I just went ahead and got it for them.
Oh, and, uh, Max.
Don't think I've forgotten about you.
[ Whistles ]
Help me, Max Weaver. You're my only hope.
God bless us, every one!
[ Chuckles ]
Larry!
Marty: No, you cannot keep her in your room.
Oh, come on, dad! I'll take care of her.
No!
Larry, I don't even know what to say.
How can you afford all this?
Oh, I took out a second mortgage.
It was worth it to make a point.
Was it? Was it, Larry?
I can't believe you did this, Larry.
What?
You've ruined my moment. I ruined yours.
Okay, you know what, guys? I am sorry.
But you cannot keep the car or the pony or the lady, sorry.
- What? - No! - Rarity!
Unbelievable.
Mom, you ruined Christmas!
Who's a bad parent now?
Need to talk to you, Larry, out back.
May the horse be with you.
This took a lot of balls, Larry.
You open the box from hell yet?
Not yet.
You know, I struggled with what to get you.
But with some help, I think I settled on the perfect thing.
[ Rattle ]
A jar with only the brown ones?
I know you don't trust the colorful ones.
Chocolate should be brown.
I agree. So I picked all the other ones out.
It was quite time-consuming.
This is oddly perfect... thoughtful, small, delicious.
Thank you.
I got you something, too. Close your eyes.
And...open them.
Oh.
Right?
You got me a lamp for Christmas?
Well, when you say it like that...
So, are you ready to apologize?
Apologize? You have got to be kidding me.
Debbie Weaver, did it ever occur to you
that I might have spent the past four months
constructing the world's most elaborate ant farm
so that my son would not only have what he wanted,
but he would also have the world's best version of it?
No, that did not occur to me.
And do you know why I spent all that time?
Because, aside from what you may think,
I am a good father.
That does sound like something a good father would do.
Oh, Larry, I'm sorry. Truly.
I just get so caught up in Christmas.
I think it's because when I was a kid...
Yes, I don't care.
Right.
I never should have got Dick that ant farm.
It was a mistake. I am sorry.
It's just Dick is such a special kid.
And sometimes I think you're a little hard on him.
Yes, he did seem rather broken a couple of times this week.
I do see what you mean.
You know, in spite of
your relentless badgering and your weakness for drink,
you are a good mother, Debbie Weaver.
If I was going to take parenting advice from anyone,
I suppose on occasion I could take it from you.
Well, thanks, Larry.
And your kids obviously love you.
And I'm just gonna back off. You are a good father.
A good father? That's what I said.
Am I not the world's greatest father?
You are the world's greatest father, Lar.
That's what my mug says.
We're keeping the ball pit, right?
I love the ball pit. I really love the ball pit.
Whoa!
That is why I drink.
I have to say, I'm a little underwhelmed.
Well, Reggie, I can't give you something
from across the galaxy, so I thought that...
Oh, did you?
Because this looks like you didn't think at all.
Well, if you'll just listen, I...
No, Amber, I know the idea of being romantic
is embarrassing for you, and I accept it
because I love you, but this is just insulting and,
to be honest, it hurts my feelings.
Reggie, I...
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I'd like to be alone so I can cry like a man cries.
Mm! If you'll j...
[ Jack Johnson's "Angel" plays ]
♪ I've got an angel
♪ she doesn't wear any wings
♪ she wears a heart that could melt my own ♪
♪ wears a smile that could make you want to sing ♪
♪ she gives me presents
♪ with her her presence alone
She went big.
♪ She gives me everything I could wish for ♪
Yeah!
♪ Gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home ♪ - Yeah!
♪ Close together
♪ so close together
♪ close together
♪ Christmas together
♪ the lights, the trees
♪ and the way they work together in perfect harmony ♪
♪ the friends, the fam
♪ gathering the neighbors, singing "winter wonderland" ♪
♪ when we're all this close
♪ close together
♪ so close together
♪ ooh, ooh ♪ close together
♪ when we're all this close
What's wrong, son?
Nothing.
Look, I know you really wanted a little ant farm for Christmas,
and I'm sorry you didn't get what you want,
but hopefully you'll accept this instead.
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
♪ we wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
♪ we wish you a Merry Christmas ♪ - Ooh!
♪ And a Happy - This is the biggest ant farm I've ever seen!
♪ New year! - Thanks, mom. You're the best.
What? Mom?
Why do I even bother?
[ Sighs ]
Are you coming to bed?
Marty.
Marty!
Yeah, hon. On my way.
Merry Christmas to me.
Whoo-hoo!
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com