Well, look who got another one of Mom's care packages
forwarded from Portland.
When are you going to tell them that you don't live in Portland?
When she learns to stop criticizing me, so I guess when she's dead.
A few years back, I was planning to move to Portland with a boyfriend.
Mom said we'd break up as soon as we got there.
Wrong. We broke up before we left.
Anyway, lemons to lemonade,
I thought the best thing to do was
to let Mom think I'd moved 3,000 miles away.
- She's a nervous flyer. - Leigh, you know I love you,
but I just don't understand your problem with Beth.
- She's such a sweetheart. - To you.
You're married to her favorite.
You know, at your wedding she said, "I've always wanted a daughter."
No, I could've sworn she said "another daughter."
After she called me her prince. But you got a care package.
This isn't a care package. It's a box of criticism...
Diet book, I'm fat. Face cream, I'm wrinkly.
Word-a-day calendar, double insult,
I don't know words or what day it is... You guys can have this stuff.
- I don't want any of it. - I'm taking the cookies!
Are those the ones with the fudge?
Well, maybe she'll bring you some more when she's here for Thanksgiving.
They're coming here for Thanksgiving? You guys always go there!
- What if I run into them? - Here's a crazy notion...
speak to them like a normal person.
Or maybe I could get a last-minute ticket to Barbados.
- That was my next suggestion. - Hey, guys.
It's not a thing or anything, but I saw that Graham got some cookies...
- I was just curious as to, like... why. - Because he's a kid and you're 19.
[chuckles] Totally cool. Yeah, I understand.
Ian: Dad said I could have one!
Why can't we tell him we moved to Portland?
1x10 - "Thanksgiving"
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~
- This is the worst Thanksgiving ever. - It's 9:30. It hasn't even started yet.
It's the one holiday that I love, and you guys are changing everything.
Since when do you like going to Grandma and Grandpa's?
You complain the whole way down.
I'm a teenager. I complain about stuff.
It doesn't mean I don't love it. You guys are terrible.
So that means you love us, right?
All right. All packed.
By this afternoon, I'll be kicking back, sipping daiquiris in Atlanta.
It's a last-minute ticket, guys. It's mostly layovers.
Ooh, that reminds me, I'm going to take your neck pillow.
Well, she's missing out. It's gonna be a great Thanksgiving
with your amazing turkey, and then afterwards,
we'll play a little football in Central Park.
Yeah, really? You're gonna play football again this year?
- Why not? I love football. - I know you do, it's just...
your Dad pushes you too much.
Steve doesn't get that it's harder for you.
Well, I don't know. I kind of love that about him.
- He doesn't treat me with kid gloves. - No, it's great. It's good.
So he gets fun football guy, and then I get exhausted guy afterwards.
- It's not so bad. - You fell asleep at dinner last year.
- Eh, turkey makes you sleepy. - You hadn't carved it yet.
I had my head bowed, giving thanks...
- for 20 minutes. - Mm-hmm.
Okay, no football. Anyway, you'll want me awake
for the post-thanksgiving festivities.
With a belly full of gravy? Dream on. [doorbell rings]
I'm dreaming. [chuckles]
- Mom, Dad, you've got here quick! - Happy turkey day!
Gobble, gobble, gobble! I want that stuffing!
Okay, okay, Dad. You're squeezing me too tight.
- I'm blacking out. - Hi, guys!
Hi, honey!
Some of that, give me some of that.
Oh, honey. So great to see you.
- I love you. I love you. - You guys are early.
- Like, six hours early. - Well, we wanted to beat the traffic.
Yep, we beat the traffic. You know what else we beat? The sun.
Well, you know, we got on the road, there's nobody on the road.
You get on the road a certain amount of time,
there's nobody... [door creaks]
- Leigh? - Hey, I was just coming in the door...
- to surprise you. - Hi, honey. What a nice surprise.
- So great to see you. - Aw!
You look so beautiful. Oh, I love you, I love you.
You flew all the way here from Portland?
I did, which is why I have all these bags.
That certainly explains that.
- Leigh, it's so great to see you. - You haven't changed a bit.
Sweetie, how many layovers did you have?
Because you look a little tired.
I hope you didn't buy anything from that Skymall magazine.
'Cause I bought a rock from this thing once to hide my keys under.
Now I can't find my damn keys. Mikey, help me with this bag.
[grunts] Excuse me, honey.
- Sorry. - Try to keep up, Mikey.
Leigh, sweetie, this is what you pack
for New York in November? A bikini?
What can I say? I'm an optimist.
Really? Even after everything? Good for you.
Oh, look at this. Everything's wrinkled. I'll fold it.
- What? Shh. - Can you believe her?
I look tired, my folding's not good, I'm a slut.
- She didn't say that! - She will.
There's some stuff in my bag that paints a picture.
- Leigh, your Mom is just trying to be nice. - Easy for you to say.
You're not in the crosshairs of her laser beam of help.
Well, if I were, I'd be grateful.
I think a laser beam of help sounds kind of nice.
Okay, I straightened out your clothes.
Looks like you're planning on having a good time in New York.
And there it is.
You know, Mom,
Annie was just telling me how much she would love
to have your help making dinner tonight.
- Weren't you just saying that to me? - Yes! Yes, I was.
Unlike some other people, I appreciate a little bit of help, Beth.
Let's start by whipping this kitchen into shape.
You can't cook in a filthy kitchen.
- Uh... filthy? - Enjoy.
You in here, Dad? Oh, you remembered the football.
That's good. Ugh...
You brought two. That's just weird.
So you ready to get out there and play?
About that, Dad, we're in the city this year.
Why don't we find some other fun stuff to do?
What, like get our nails done, try on some woman bras?
"Woman bras"? "Bra" doesn't cover it?
Sweet! You got the pigskin out!
Are we gonna go do this or what?
- Since when do you like football? - Are you kidding me?
I love this game.
I hate this game. Every year I totally humiliate myself.
Not this time. I found a how-to site online,
which taught me how to throw a perfect spiral.
Just like... I want to say T-bow.
Is he the thrower guy?
Ian, maybe you can help. Your Mom is trying to weasel out
- of playing football with me. - Oh, well, she has to cook all day.
- He means me, son. - Oh. Good one.
Where's a good place to play in this big city?
It was clear Dad really wanted to play football.
It was gonna be hard to say "no" to him.
Central Park. Central Park's good.
So, honey, how is Portland?
Portland? Well, Portland...
all the mist from the ports, rolling onto the land.
It's... breathtaking.
I've never been to Portland.
[scraping] Ooh. What are you making there?
Oh, I found this amazing recipe for homemade cranberry sauce.
- It uses cloves for a savory note. - Well, that sounds interesting.
- Yeah. - [clears throat] It's just that...
turkey is already savory.
And do we really want to put savory on top of savory?
[mouths silently]
- Yes? - I'm sure it'll be great.
Do we have any of the canned stuff as backup?
- Having fun yet? - Okay, so she has some boundary issues,
but this isn't anything that I can't handle.
Uh, Beth, we don't have need backup
because I planned a delicious meal
that does not call for canned cranberry sauce.
What did you just say? We always have canned cranberry sauce.
Don't worry, sweetie.
Your mother's making a new weird cranberry sauce,
instead of the normal American kind everyone loves.
- Well, you've ruined Thanksgiving. - I thought I already ruined it.
You've ruined the ruined version I was just getting used to.
Wow. I haven't seen anyone that upset
since the big jam strike over at the Portland artisanal jam factory.
Wow.
All right, just a sec.
Ring finger between laces two and three...
Sorry, the ball I practiced with had numbers on it.
Hips, elbow, shoulder, throw.
- Hips, elbow, shoulder... blitz! - Whoa!
Easy with the cheap hits! We're just rehearsing.
Well, Dad, this was great.
Nothing like a game of football on Thanksgiving.
Yes, I promised I wasn't gonna play this year.
And yes, I said we were gonna go
on a walking tour of the Art Deco doors of New York,
but you know what, we actually had a good time without overdoing it.
Well, that was a nice, little warm-up.
Now, we're gonna go for the real game.
- Say what now? - The real game.
Something wrong with your hearing, Linda?
Linda? That doesn't even make any sense.
I mean, women don't lose their hea... Anyway, this is New York, Dad.
It's a nice idea, but you don't just go up
to strangers and ask them for a pickup game.
- You guys are looking for a game? - Um...
Yeah. But you better watch your back,
because this guy is an animal!
Yeah, an animal who promised his wife he wouldn't overdo it.
We're in so much trouble.
- Happy Thanksgiving! - Is it?
- Always a pleasure, Eve. - Mom's dinner is going to suck!
She's making real cranberry sauce instead of buying the canned kind.
With real cranberries? That's disgusting!
Those things grow in a bog.
What you need is the stuff that takes the shape of the can.
You know, where it globs out all slow.
And it makes that... [imitates squishing] sound.
- The ridges lock in the flavor. - That's what I'm saying.
Grab your coat. We going can shopping.
Hmm.
Whoa! Oh, that's too much salt.
That's a pinch, not a dash.
Maybe you should do prep.
Okay, so being on the receiving end of Beth's
help was a little rougher than I expected.
Whoa! A plastic cutting board?
Have you not heard of BPAs?
- I'll get my travel board. - You pack a cutting board?
I tried to stand my ground,
but Beth may have gotten in my head a little.
The... the... the pot is boi...
Okay, she broke me.
Am I allowed to stir the potatoes, Beth?
Beth?
Cranberry sauce?
You can't buy cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving.
You don't even have one can?
Chuck! Do we have any cranberry sauce?
You can't buy cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving.
- That's what I said! - If you're not gonna bother selling
Thanksgiving stuff on Thanksgiving, why are you even open?
For people who want to get a jump on their christmas shopping. [both groan]
Did you tell them we got plenty of candy canes?
I was about to! Look, if you're on break,
then take your break, Chuck! We have candy canes.
- Let's find a better store. - A lot of judgment coming from the guy
who waited until the last minute to buy cranberry sauce.
[both grumble]
Hut! One Mississippi.
Hips, elbow, shoulder, throw.
Five, hips, elbow, shoulder, throw!
If you were throwing to the tree, we'd have a touchdown.
That's quite a cannon you got. You just gotta work on your aim a bit.
Oh, yeah? Maybe I gotta work on your Mom's aim.
- What? - Sorry.
I just... I've never trash-talked before.
It's exhilarating. Like your Mom.
I'm sorry, that's it. I promise. I'm just pumped up. Just...
All right, here's the play... you go out 5 yards,
you buttonhook, I'll pump-fake,
you run a fly route to the deep post.
All of this is gonna happen today? Come on, Dad. I'm beat.
Come on, Mikey. Dig deep.
What kind of an example are we setting for the boy?
I hope that's a girl dog he's dancing with.
Again, with the... they're not even the same species.
Come on, Dad, let's do this.
[mumbling] Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Mind if I call you stepson? 'Cause I'm about to marry your mother.
That's right, we've fallen in love.
It started out physical, now it's so much more.
I'll never replace your Dad, but you can come to me with whatever...
You know he hiked the ball already, right?
[exhales] [grunts]
- Oh! - Go, Dad! Go!
Go, go, go, go! Yeah! [grunts]
Yeah, we did it! You were right, Dad! Dad?
[groans]
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Hey Dad, chest bump! Oh, gee.
- Feeling better, Dad? - I'm gonna call an ambulance.
No, no, no. I'm fine.
It's a little chest pain. I get it from time to time.
You know, the Doctor says it's angina.
Angina... come on, you guys aren't gonna run with that?
- Come on, you guys are weak. - Seriously, you sure you're okay, Dad?
Yeah, yeah, but let's keep it between us.
Let's not tell the ladies. I don't want them to worry.
Graham, Graham! Let's go.
All right, he's crazy. If we're not calling an ambulance,
we're at least not walking home.
I'll call a cab, and you just shove him in.
Ian had a point, but I scored that touchdown
because my Dad didn't treat me with kid gloves.
And I knew he'd want me to treat him the same way.
Man wants to walk, let him walk.
All right, then, can I take a cab? I think I broke something
when you ditched me on the chest bump.
Hiding out from Mom?
[glass clinks]
No, no, I was just straightening up the trash room.
I just can't relax until I know the trash room...
- Does she know that I'm down here? - Oh, sweetie, she broke you.
This is my home now.
I just couldn't handle it.
Mike left me all alone, went for the longest walk in history.
I mean, how many Art Deco doors can there be?
I was so looking forward to saying,
"I told you so," but now I just want to give you a hug.
- After you've taken a thorough shower. - I'm so sorry, Leigh. I get it now.
You can fake live in Portland for as long as you want to.
I do love it there.
They're opening an elevated trail for recumbent bicycles...
- I can't... I can't turn it off. - I know.
[sighs]
Okay, we've been to five stores, and nothing.
I guess we should just stop.
Yeah, absolutely. Let's go back.
- I don't want to stop. - Me neither.
I know it started out as just cranberry sauce,
but I feel like it's becoming a symbol.
I mean, maybe as a people, we have a greater need for...
- Found some. - I'll be damned. There she is.
We couldn't. Could we?
This is totally okay. We put all these cans in, take one out,
- we're morally in the clear. - I agree.
- We can hold our heads high. - Yeah.
You just make sure no one else sees us.
Excuse me. What are you doing?
It's fine. We put a bunch of other cans in here first.
Chickpeas, soup...
Listen, this stuff is mostly sugar and food coloring.
Do you really want needy people to eat that?
I don't know. This seems a little strange.
Oh, all right, padre. I know the dance.
Would a $100 donation make it right?
200?
- We'll make it 3. - "We"?
- That's very generous. - Yeah.
Fine, but I'm gonna take that corn too.
- Is there a draft in here? - I-I don't know. I don't feel one.
Well, you're probably kept warm by that extra winter coat.
- Hey, smells good. - Finally. That was a long walk.
Yeah, while we were out, we just thought
we'd check out some Art Nouveau doors too.
Well, we're just about to eat. Mikey, can you and Ian move the table
into the living room? I'm feeling a draft.
- We have a draft? - I don't know, Mike.
I can't even tell anymore. This entire day has been...
- Annie! - I have to go.
- Let's move the table. - Absolutely.
Whoa, don't you at least want to take the dishes off first?
Maybe if we were in France, but we're men.
- Yes! - They have men in France, you know.
Okay, Grandpa, I'm taking over.
Hey, show some respect. We're lifting a table,
we're not doing kegel exercises, muffy.
More of this? It is so hard to be a feminist in this family. Move over.
- Get your own table. - Guys, you're pushing me into the couch.
- Steve, what are you doing? - Going over the top.
- Grandpa, let go! - I'm on the sofa, guys. I'm on the sofa.
[mumbling]
- Well, the plates are off the table. - Ian, what's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? Grandpa keeled over playing football,
you're trying to make him move a table?
- Keeled over? - Football? [laughs]
When I say "cran," you say "berry!"
- Cran... - Oh.
Damn it, Eve. We rehearsed this.
Berry.
We could all eat out of this gravy boat.
It's bad enough you played football, but you tried to keep it a secret.
Some of us didn't try very hard... Ian.
Remind me not to go to Vegas with that guy.
You know, Steve, you're supposed to take it easy after the surgery.
What? Surgery? What surgery? What...
- Just a little laparoscopic thing. - Yeah, in your heart.
Come on. It's time for you to lie down.
So you snuck out and played football,
even though your father has a heart condition.
In my defense, I didn't know
about the heart condition until after the football.
Okay, at which point you decided to move the heaviest
- piece of furniture we own? - That China cabinet's no slouch, honey.
- [sighs] Mike. - He's my Dad.
He never coddled me.
And I don't think he wants me to coddle him.
We just expect the best from each other.
He's a 70-year-old man, Mike.
There's a difference between high expectations
and ignoring reality.
Swimsuit edition? Not sure that's good for your ticker.
Smartass.
You know, Dad, when I was diagnosed,
a lot of people treated me differently, but you never did.
- I didn't wanna underestimate you. - I know, and I appreciate that.
So when you had your, uh, thing in the park,
I wanted to do the same for you.
But the truth is, there's a difference between underestimating someone
and coming to terms with reality.
- My heart twinge was nothing. - No, it was "not" nothing,
any more than this... is from too much coffee.
Look.
You're my boy.
And I just hate that...
we used to be so good at football.
[breaking voice] I know...
and it sucks.
But it's okay to say that out loud.
And hey, we can take solace in the fact that
we're both still better than Ian.
[laughs]
'Cause he sucks!
Every family has its own playbook.
Some plays get run over and over again.
Okay. Crisis averted.
Tomorrow we reorganize your closets.
- Oh, Mom, she can't. - I can't?
Both: No.
- Why not? - You're taking me to the airport, remember?
All day. I bought a last-minute ticket,
so now I have to fly out of Boston.
Boston? Leigh, honestly.
I told you, you have to book months in advance.
- Thank you. - Did you lose that calendar I sent you?
'Cause there's a word-a-day in there.
The plays we like the most, we call traditions.
Thanks, Harris. This really means a lot to me.
- Oh, what's that? - My homemade cranberry sauce.
Are those cloves? It smells amazing.
Wait a minute. What? Are you serious?
But eventually, you come up against a new situation.
That's when you're forced to call an audible.
- Mr. Henry? - No. No, thanks.
Ooh...
The trick is to let the playbook change over time.
[overlapping chatter]
That, and be thankful for your wins.
All right. Who wants turkey?
All: Oh!
It's okay. I got it.
- Is this knife dull? - It's already dead, Mike.
You don't have to kill it again.
[overlapping chatter]
[cheers and applause]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~