Subs created by: David Coleman.
- Ding dong. - Hey, Mom.
Ellie! Grandma's here! She's gonna take you to school!
And before you say anything, yes, I'm wearing this jacket today.
Oh, if you say so. What is that, taupe?
No, it's British military khaki, and stop making that face because...
I'm not changing it.
What? What are you... what are you pointing that face at now?
Nothing. I'm just standing here being a person, looking at a filthy kitchen.
Ellie was supposed to do the dishes last night, but she must have fallen asleep.
Tight ship you're running, leftenant.
Well, I'm not hearing that all day.
- Did you make your bed? - If you don't open my door, yes.
Sorry I overslept. We stayed up late watching Westside Story,
and didn't get to bed until after the dance murders.
Pow, pow, dig-a-dig-a pow, pow!
Oh, you got me!
Thank you. The Sean Harrison breakfast players.
By the way, I need your credit card to rent a snowboard for my trip this weekend.
- Yeah, my wallet's upstairs. - Weekend trip?
Ellie and some friends are going snowboarding for the first time.
I'm so excited!
Oh, my God, she has your scream.
So she oversleeps, doesn't do her chores,
and instead of grounding her, you give her a credit card?
You should do play-by-play for the Chicago bummers.
I'm just saying, she doesn't take you seriously.
She takes me seriously.
You're just jealous because I'm fun,
whereas you withheld approval if I didn't alphabetize the spice rack.
Oh, you loved it.
Yeah, I did.
But I can be plenty tough on Ellie if I have to be. Trust me.
Honey, I need you to do these dishes now, please.
- But I'll be late for school. - That's valid. Off you go.
You're as soft as a baby's bottom.
Ellie, hang on.
You're gonna have to chip in more around here.
Whatever. I'll see you at dinner.
No, I'll see you at dinner, because tonight you're gonna cook.
And if you don't, you don't get to go on your trip this weekend.
What? That's insane.
That is insane, but it's happening now because I just said it.
Fine, I'll be in the car.
Oh, and your new taupe jacket is trying too hard.
It's British military khaki.
Did you see that?
I am one bad ass bottom.
That, um... that came out wrong.
You're never gonna take that trip away.
It's too important to her. Here's what's gonna happen.
There'll be no meal tonight, but you'll let her go anyway,
and then she'll know what a pushover you are.
I am trying so hard not to dangle you off the balcony right now.
So, either Ellie's gonna cook dinner tonight
or she doesn't get to go on her ski trip this weekend.
I can be bad cop. I've done it before.
At certain costume parties.
Okay, that was naughty cop.
But if you ground Ellie you're gonna have to stay in town,
and we're supposed to go to Courtney's wedding.
Oh, my God, I forgot that's this weekend.
I need you there. She's my oldest friend.
You know how much I hate her.
How did you pick now to go all tough on Ellie?
Because my Mom made me.
But she's right.
Ellie should pitch in more, make some meals.
She has to learn that food just doesn't magically appear every time you're hungry.
- Your lunch is here. - Oh, thank God.
I'm starving. Thank you, Stavros.
- $28.50. - Yeah.
Hello, my future girlfriend, Liz.
It's not happening, Stavros.
For you. For me it has already begun.
Things were so much less stressful with Ellie when I was the weekend Dad.
Here. I need some change.
You're doing fine, Sean. Ellie loves you.
I know, but I want her to keep liking me and if I ground her, she'll hate me.
Parenting is not a popularity contest.
Children need boundaries.
They're not the only ones.
For instance, I know a certain delivery guy who thinks he's a family therapist.
Liz, we will be more firm with our children.
Yes, we will argue, but we will never go to bed angry.
Hey, Sean, I was hoping I could skip out early on Friday.
Our band's got our biggest gig ever.
Sure, we'll cover for you. Follow your dreams, man.
Can't be a bird if you don't fly.
Ostrich.
Okay ostriches don't fly, but the point is you can leave early.
- Thanks, Sean. - Yeah.
Chicken, turkey, penguin.
Sean, a word.
Sean, I overheard you giving Hunter time off.
Why don't we all just skip out at noon like the French
and spend our days having tiny sandwiches and affairs?
I know you're being sarcastic, but that sounds amazing.
Sean, as your mentor...
- Mentor? - You're welcome.
I'm going to give you a piece of advice to make your employees more productive.
You have got to stop coddling them and start messing with their heads.
Keep them off balance and paranoid. I'm thinking about firing you.
No, I'm not. Am I? You don't know.
Max, you don't get the best out of people by playing mind games.
You have to be honest and encouraging
like my imaginary Father, Tim Gunn, on Project Runway.
It sounds to me like someone would like to wager.
How does that sound like that?
You're on!
I will bet you that I can get Hunter to voluntarily skip his precious gig
and beg me to work all weekend.
And just to make it more interesting,
I will even get him to throw one of your beloved muffins at you.
Um, let's call that your muffin now.
And I don't wanna treat Hunter like a lab rat in some deranged experiment.
Oh, goody. That'll be my job.
You may set the terms of the wager.
All right, fine.
If you fail and Hunter goes to his gig,
then you have to say one nice thing to everyone in the office.
Oh, ha ha! Fiendish.
And if I succeed, you must tell one mean truth to everyone.
And neither one of us can tell Hunter what we're doing, that would spoil the fun.
What fun?
Exactly!
What fun... we will have... when we do this!
Hunter.
Big H. The H-bomb. There he is.
I understand that Sean gave you some time off to pursue your musical dreams.
- I hope that's okay, Max. - Oh, absolutely.
Dreams are important.
In fact, why don't you take the rest of today off as well?
Why would I do that?
Well... Sean's been telling me how important your music is to you.
I want you to have plenty of time to prepare,
so go and write the next "We Built This City".
But you never want people to leave early, Max.
Oh, no, but Sean has convinced me
that you need to fly free like a beautiful songbird.
So go. Go and don't look back.
I said don't look back.
Oh, I shall peel back your skull and snack on your mind.
Hey, Mom, what are you doing here?
I came by to see if Ellie had made dinner. It appears she hasn't.
Thank God I have an emergency burrito in my purse.
Ellie, come down here, please.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
Maybe she'll walk down the stairs carrying a giant ham.
You see how you've boxed yourself in?
You take away her trip, she'll be impossible.
If you back down, she'll know she can do whatever she wants.
She'll end up with more rings in her nose than a shower curtain.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Grandma. I know, dinnertime. I'm on it.
Oh, thank God. You see this?
My responsible child. My perfect child.
My Julia Child.
And you were worried.
But I knew all along she would rise to the challenge,
put the effort in, and make us a delicious, homemade...
Oh, crap, she's half-assing it with a can of soup, isn't she?
Hey, hey.
Soupie!
- Yes? - Honey, I'm sorry, okay,
but opening a can of Daddy's special flu and hangover soup
does not count as making dinner.
Oh! And so...
Finish her.
I'm afraid your weekend trip is...
No, no, no, wait. No. You didn't tell me the rules.
I didn't know I was supposed to make some big, fancy meal.
You're right! She's right.
You can't punish someone who didn't know the rules.
That's how I got out of getting caned for chewing gum in Singapore.
Okay, one more chance. Tomorrow night, if you don't make a dinner
that takes some effort, your trip is off.
Fair enough. Because I just realized this is a can of stewed tomatoes.
I know, I know, she blew it, but I didn't tell her the rules.
You're right, you're right.
She should have figured it out, but I was tough on her.
Okay, maybe not that tough.
But if she doesn't make dinner tomorrow night by 7:30 sharp, that's it, no trip.
You don't believe me? Come tomorrow and see.
What? Something else?
I've said too much already.
"To Hunter from Max"?
Why would Max leave me a box of muffin mix?
Open it.
Maybe there's a ring inside.
Sean!
Max left me a box of muffin mix on my desk, then he sent me home early yesterday.
What the hell's going on? Am I supposed to make him muffins now?
I cannot tell you. Just don't get paranoid.
- So something is going on? - I cannot say that.
- But you did say that. - I cannot say.
- What's happening? - Okay.
Look, I know how much you love music, so go to your gig on Friday.
But whatever you do, do not throw a muffin at me.
Why would I throw a muffin at you?
I cannot say.
I got your email.
What do you mean if Ellie doesn't cook dinner tonight you're gonna have
to ground her, stay at home with her this weekend, and miss the wedding?
What part didn't you understand?
Because it's arguably the clearest email I've ever written.
Oh, I understood it.
But if I have to go to Courtney's wedding without a date,
I'm going to screw the groom, wear the wedding cake as a hat,
and hang myself in the photo booth.
That's gonna be a funny picture.
Now, come on. I need your help.
Pretend to be Ellie so I can practice being tough.
Why should I help you?
Because you're my friend and that's what friends do for each other?
All right, Sean.
You want my help, you got it.
But teenage girls can be savages.
They fight dirty. You ready for that?
Enough trash talk. Let's just do this.
Hi, honey, I'm home, and I don't see any dinner.
I made it, but then I gave it to a homeless person who needs it more.
Prove I didn't.
She... she... she wouldn't say that.
Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. Again.
Hi, honey, I'm home and I don't see any dinner, so no trip.
That's a bag of crap, Dad!
You're a big, fat bag of crap!
Wow, she's a lot more hostile than I remember, but, I'll play.
Okay, honey, I know you're mad...
Yeah, I'm mad because my Mom took a job in New York
and I chose to stay here with you, and I totally regret it
because all you care about are your stupid rules,
and you don't understand me at all.
And now you have to punish me because you're Grandma's little bitch!
Oh, what's the matter? You gonna cry? Daddy gonna cry now?
Oh, my God. Yes!
Wow! If she says any of that, I'm dead.
Well, then why risk it? Come to the wedding, we'll have fun.
Okay, remember, you're here for moral support,
not to talk me into letting Ellie slide so I can go to the wedding with you.
Got it. Moral support. That's what "plus ones" do, Sean.
Way to keep swinging.
I smell...
Nothing. I smell nothing.
I can't believe this. She didn't make dinner again!
Ellie!
Wait! Maybe there's something in the oven.
Ellie.
Oh, look. A beautiful casserole.
- And your plan is... - Half-baked.
Which is more than I can say for her pretend casserole.
Damn it! Now I have to be bad cop. Why does she put me in this position?
Sorry, there was an emergency. Sarah got into this huge fight with her Mom.
She was super-upset. I couldn't just leave her.
- Ellie, we had a deal. - I know, and I blew it.
And you blew it, so you may not go on your trip.
- I understand. - No matter how much you fight me.
- I'm not fighting you. - Or blame it on your friend Sarah.
- I'm not blaming Sarah. - You may not...
Go on my trip? I know.
I gave you plenty of chances.
Sean...
I think something's happening here.
I think Ellie's... taking responsibility.
I gotta say, El, this is not how I would have played it.
Tell me what's going on.
Sarah's always getting out of doing her chores,
and her parents are always mad and fighting with her.
I just don't want us to be like that.
I blew it, so I'm just gonna accept my punishment and try not to screw up again.
Oh, my God, you're fantastic child.
I wanna be fun Dad, but when you slack off,
I turn into harsh Dad, which makes me feel like...
- Sorry, Dad. - Yes! "Sorry Dad".
Who then turns into Kahlua and vodka Dad.
No, I meant I'm sorry.
I'll do more without you having to bug me. I promise.
Good.
You can go on your trip.
- What? Really? - Yes. Because I believe in you.
Hey!
We all get to go away this weekend!
Come on, let's go out and celebrate. My part of dinner's on me.
Wait, wait, wait. We can't go out. My Mom's coming over.
If she sees that you didn't cook dinner and I
didn't ground you, I'll never hear the end of it.
You're right. Even after you're dead,
she's gonna write a note and slip it in your casket.
And, yes, I think she's going to outlive you.
All right, we'll order Greek food from the place on the corner and say you made it.
Shish kebob, rice salad... you can make those things, right?
If they show up at the door, I could.
Where was that "can do" attitude two days ago?
Look what I made for you.
Muffins. For me.
You betcha.
How dare you!
That... right there is an unexpected reaction.
I assumed that when you gave me the muffin mix, you...
I did not give you muffin mix.
I hate muffins. Muffins killed my Grandmother.
- They what now? - She worked at a bakery.
She was adding blueberries to the vat, and she lost her footing.
They say a batter death is a peaceful death, but...
Try telling that to an old woman whose lungs
are filling with blueberries and yeast.
But there was a note on the box that said it was from you, Max.
A clever forgery!
Obviously, someone is trying to get you to offend me
perhaps so that I will fire you.
Fire me?
Oh, no, but who would want to get you fired, and
who would know about my tragic muffin history? Nobody.
Except Sean.
- It couldn't be Sean. - No, no, no, no.
He loves you. Although...
Although what?
No, no, no, no, no! Couldn't be Sean.
- Although... - What!
Well, he does keep saying that you've got to fly free
and pursue your musical dreams.
Maybe he thinks the only way that you'll do that
is if you're forced out of the nest.
But I don't want to leave the nest.
And I don't want you to.
But clearly... Sean does.
Well, Sean is wrong! I love the nest.
The nest has health care and 25% off returned merchandise!
I know, but like Sean says, you are better than this place!
No, I am not. I'm exactly equal to this place.
- Go to your gig! - You can't make me.
I'm not going anywhere.
In fact, I'm gonna stay here and work all weekend!
Good for you.
Now, get these muffins out of my sight.
I'm so mad at Sean for manipulating both of us, I might just...
throw one at him, which would be enormously satisfying. But...
- it's not my fight. - No, it is not. It's mine.
Remember!
People who don't live in glass houses do throw muffins.
It makes sense.
Okay. Now the kitchen looks like a meal's been made.
Okay, quick, walk through this.
Ah! Culinary lies by Calvin Klein.
- Come in! - Delivery.
Oh, Stavros, my man, come in here, quick, quick!
I gotta get this stuff on plates. My Mom gets here in ten minutes.
Hello, Sean, beautiful Liz, unruly daughter.
Unruly? What do you tell people about me?
Just focus on your job, please. This is why the Greek economy's falling apart.
$52.50.
Great. Here.
Why is the door open?
Mom! You're early.
Hey, everybody, great news... Mom's early!
Ooh. Something smells good. Who's this one?
This? Um...
This is Stavros.
He is Greek.
Uh huh. And why is he here?
Because...
He's Liz's boyfriend.
Opa! We're all happy!
- Opa! - Opa!
True! He's my boyfriend.
Hands off, Lorna!
Ellie made this Greek feast in Stavros's honor.
- All by myself. - Well, wonderful, darling.
So, Stavros, how long have you and Liz been dating?
Six weeks this Thursday.
She got her heel caught in a sewer grate.
I saved her life and now...
We are lovers.
While this dinner was to honor Stavros for his bravery,
unfortunately, he has to go.
I can stay.
Liz, woman, come to me.
I miss your touch.
Oh, Stavvles!
You're so great.
I love it when you wear tank tops
and the straps get all lost in your shoulder hair.
So... what do you do, Stavros?
I am a family therapist.
A therapist? Wow.
So what would you say to a Father who never wants to discipline his daughter?
And what would you say to a Mother
who thinks she knows everything about parenting?
And what would you say to a man whose daughter doesn't cook dinner,
but instead of grounding her because he can't,
orders Greek food and tries to pass it off as homemade?
I'd say it all means it's time for you to get your arm off me.
And for me to pay you and send you on your way.
My only regret is I didn't order Chinese food,
because Ping Li would have nailed this!
Liz, we will laugh about this on our honeymoon...
Okay, so Ellie did screw up, but she took responsibility, and I'm proud of her.
But the deal was you were supposed to ground her.
No, the deal is she's my daughter, and I have to do what feels right.
And so far, it's working, because she's a great kid.
So guess what. I'm not grounding her.
I'm grounding you!
- What? - You heard me.
You cannot give me advice for one week.
That's not fair. I didn't know the rules.
What? What was that? You wanna go for two weeks?
Whatever.
- Excuse me? - Okay, fine!
I will not voice an opinion about anything for one week.
Excellent! Let's eat.
Ellie slaved all day not making this.
Wait till you see what I didn't make for dessert.
Are you all set for this weekend?
Did you pack your dancing shoes?
Uh... I'm never not wearing them.
I'm so happy you're coming with me!
Now dancing to all the single ladies
will be fun instead of just a pointed observation.
Oh, no. Hunter, I said whatever you do, do not throw a muffin at me!
Then maybe you shouldn't have given me that muffin mix and made me think that it
was from Max so that I would get fired for reminding him
of his Grandmother's tragic batter death!
Wow, Max has been busy.
Oh. I win.
And if memory serves, the terms of our wager dictate
that you now must tell everyone one mean truth.
Come, come.
Workers... gather 'round.
Sean has something mercilessly frank to say to everyone in this room.
All right. Here we go.
Max, I think you dye your moustache.
Shut up. Meeting adjourned. Disperse.
Sync & corrections by P2Pfiend. Www.Addic7ed.Com.