This programme contains strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to "Was It Something I Said?",
the panel show about quotations,
from famous last words to famous first words
and everything in-between.
As celebrity ceramicist Grayson Perry once said...
..which explains why he only lasted a week
in his first job as a plastic surgeon.
On Micky Flanagan's team is comedian and actress Sally Philips,
and with Richard Ayoade is comedian Reginald D Hunter.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read out our quotations is a journalist, broadcaster
and keen walker, who once said...
I'm sure the hostages have much the same nostalgic glow in their hearts
when they go back there too(!)
Please welcome John Sargeant.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much for coming, John.
Well, it's wonderful to be here, of course it is.
So, John, do you have a favourite quotation?
I have a bit of advice from a Chinese sage which is
very simple and rather macabre.
"If you wait by the river long enough,
"the bodies of all your enemies will float by."
Extremely useful in the BBC.
That won't, I mean, I don't want to, you know, mock Chinese culture,
but that won't necessarily happen.
LAUGHTER
All I can say is it worked for me.
LAUGHTER
Right, let's crack on with the show.
Our first round is called Threesomes.
Some cultures consider the number three brings bad luck,
especially when preceded by the words Home Alone and Police Academy.
I'm going to give both teams a series of quotes,
and they have to work out which of three famous people said them.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid on Twitter to unlock extra clips.
This week's theme for Threesomes is travel,
and can we have the first quotation, please, John?
Why no laughs there, what was wrong with that?
I thought it was quite funny.
They think... They don't know how many states there are.
- Yeah, it would go down better in America, I think, that joke. - Yeah.
I feel the same way, but if I said it, it would seem like
I was being she-she-poo-poo about my country.
You mustn't be she-she-poo-poo, I won't allow it.
In a moment, I'll give you three famous faces to choose from,
but before that, what do you make of this quotation?
- Are there fewer states than this, it seems? - There was when I left.
I can tell you, there are of course only 50 states in America.
That could be the statement of someone who has a sense of humour,
or it's the statement of someone
who's very dumb. That's my snap read.
Would you agree with that analysis?
Sounds like someone on the run.
No, cos it's a lot of legwork, innit?
I prefer just to go to Spain, really.
I've tried other places, they're so like Spain, you think,
"I should have just gone to Spain."
So I'm going to narrow down your options.
This quotation, was it said by singer Britney Spears,
Republican "hockey mom" Sarah Palin,
or President Barack Obama?
MICKY SINGS: # All right, all right
♪ What was I supposed to do? ♪
I can't look at Britney without...
- I can't look at Britney without... - Yes, this is the impressions round(!)
REG: Well, I'm going to go ahead and eliminate Obama from saying it, cos
in America, he gets in trouble even when he says stuff that makes sense.
MICKY: What is it about women with a gun? You just think, "Phwoar!"
She does look sexy, though, Dave, you've got to admit.
She does look sexy with that gun.
I don't think she looks... I think she looks a bit stupid
- with that gun. - I would say she looks drunk.
She's slightly cross-eyed.
Cross-eyed with a gun. That's marrying material.
LAUGHTER
That's a keeper.
She said, "I'm like a bull terrier with a lipstick!"
Something like that?
A ball carrier with a knapsack?
AMERICAN ACCENT: "A bull terrier with a lipstick!"
Let me just say that you have Britney Spears and Sarah Palin down!
You got 'em down!
- A ball...? - A bull terrier. - A bull terrier.
- AMERICAN ACCENT: "With a lipstick." - With a lap stack? - No, lipstick.
AMERICAN ACCENT: "I'm a bull terrier with an erection!"
Did you say, "A bull terrier with an erection"?!
She said she was a bull terrier with a lipstick,
and when I heard that, I immediately saw a bull terrier with the cock out.
- Cos it do look like a lipstick! - It looks like a lipstick, don't it?
It's wrong but it's genius!
I've never seen that.
Have you never been to a pub where, afterwards,
they're dog-fighting at the back?
Have you met David?!
He organises those fights, Micky!
I only go to those poncey pubs where they don't have dogfights.
But she did say, "I'm like a bull terrier with a lipstick."
Well, I didn't know that. So, who thinks they've been to 57 states?
Britney, Palin or Obama?
- I think it's Britney. - Why's that?
Because I think Sarah Palin's not good at geography.
Presumably the whole deal with the Tea Party is that they're
keen on America and stuff.
So I'm guessing she'd know that there were 50 states.
But Britney, on the other hand...
- I'm not so sure. - He wouldn't even make a joke like that,
cos he would be frightened how it would be picked up,
and I'm sure he knows...
Unless this isn't the kind of show where you just have...
where it's only the women who say foolish things.
- Yes, it is that sort of show. - Yeah...
Shut up!
Go and make us a cup of tea, babe. Look lively.
- No, it is NOT that sort of show, Sally. - So, I think Britney.
- OK, we're going to go with Britney on this. - You're going with Britney.
What do you think, Reg and Richard?
I think that your analysis that someone said it as a joke
could be right. I think it could be Obama, possibly.
But I'm happy to completely defer.
Well, I've never seen anyone make happiness look like that.
LAUGHTER
The thing is, as an American, you know,
there are some things that are just drilled into you.
And how many states there are is just one of them.
So it makes me think that it's...it's a joke.
I think Obama is too afraid of Republicans to even make that
joke publicly. Britney Spears, she knows 50 states.
I think it's Sarah Palin, and I think it's her attempt at a joke
while being simultaneously a stupid person.
LAUGHTER
So, is that your answer?
As Meat Loaf said, "You took the words right out of my mouth."
Well, the answer is...
- Barack Obama. - Oh, man!
Yes, he made the 57 states gaffe
during the 2008 campaign trail in Oregon.
He put it down to exhaustion,
and a campaign visit to the Heinz factory.
Obama travels on Air Force One,
which costs a whopping $100,000 an hour to operate.
John, you've flown with British Prime Ministers, haven't you?
Is that a luxurious affair?
It can be, yeah.
In the old days, I used to go with Margaret Thatcher a lot.
We were very close, obviously.
Just the two of you in a biplane with goggles.
Just the two of us with about 100 other people.
She had no sense of humour but she could be playful.
It was a bit odd, really. And, erm...
LAUGHTER
- What, like wrestling? - Well, no, but...
No, I'll give you an example.
We were served a fantastic meal,
and suddenly Margaret Thatcher appeared at my side.
So I stood up, being the gent that I am,
and all the food and crockery went onto the floor.
She threw herself onto the ground, turned to me and said,
"You stay where you are, I'll sort this out."
So she's on the floor
and there's all this hair and things, and I'm, "Oh, God."
Isn't it, sort of, law that the minute a woman goes
any lower than your waist you have to say, "While you're down there..."?
LAUGHTER
Is it possible that she got on the floor
to sort of humanise herself to you?
It may have been all sorts of complicated reasons,
but I just thought, "Blimey. There's the Prime Minister on the floor in front of me, why's that?"
You know, I was trying to live an ordinary life.
LAUGHTER
OK, John, can we have our next quotation
on the subject of travel, please?
Now I know Obama didn't say that.
I've been to Japan.
It's not you, though, it's one of...
LAUGHTER
I didn't know where I was.
No clues in Japan as to what's going on, nothing.
All the signs, there's not one concession to the English, you know.
There's nothing, you just think, "I should have gone to Spain."
In Spain, you get half a chance, don't ya?
Farmacia, that's the pharmacy.
Supermercado. I can get some potatoes in there.
There's a tremendous production of The Mikado in there.
I'll give you a clue, this person didn't get a passport till 2007,
and in fact only a third of Americans have passports.
Over the years, I've heard quite a few British people explain to me
that only a third of Americans have a passport.
And when they say it, there's a tone of "Tsk-tsk-tsk."
You better be glad.
LAUGHTER
You better be glad those home-grown bellies don't come over here
and start writing cheques. Don't let nobody know.
"Maybe we should go to Britain." "No, we shouldn't."
I can tell you that the person that said this, their hatred of fish may
stem from the fact that they worked in their grandmother's restaurant
as a child, and said, "I'd always smell of fish."
I think it might be Palin,
cos Britney, I don't... or Brit, as I call her,
I don't think that she will have worked in a restaurant
when she was young, cos she was already in Mickey Mouse Club.
- I think Palin. - You think Palin? - I'm going with Palin.
Palin from Richard and Reg. What d'you reckon?
I think it's Britney, I'm just obsessed with her.
♪ Oh, man, oh, man
♪ We'll go for Britney again. ♪
I love the way you're weaving that in.
OK, you're going for Britney.
Well, the answer is...
Britney Spears, well done.
APPLAUSE
Time now for a round called Keywords.
We give our panellists key words from a quotation
and they have to try and work out the whole thing.
Basically they get a couple of words from the full sentence
and have to try and guess the rest.
Bit like ordering food from a menu in France.
This quotation is not well known.
But I will provide clues
and award points to anyone who can get the main thrust of it.
It's from the father of evolution, Charles Darwin, written in
The Descent of Man and Selection In Relation to Sex from 1871.
As your first clue, John, can we have two keywords, please?
Sounds like a couple of my nights out.
"I did a monkey last night, I wound up drunk as anything."
"I did a monkey,"
is that expending a sum of money or copulating with an animal?
It can be both.
So, does this ring any bells, this "monkey, drunk" thing?"
It doesn't ring any bells,
but I wonder if he's observed drunk monkeys
and that's what gave him the idea that we were related.
LAUGHTER
How did Darwin make up his mind to marry?
- He got her pregnant. - No.
RICHARD: He married his cousin, didn't he?
- He did marry his cousin, yeah. Emma Wedgwood. - Yes.
When he was planning to get married,
he wrote a list under the heading, "This Is The Question," and split it
into two sections, "Marry" and "Not Marry."
Under "Marry" he put...
"Better than a dog anyhow."
In the minus column was...
By marrying a cousin, there were fewer relatives.
They were his relatives already.
Wow, man, that make me want to take a second look at my cousins.
Let's have the third keyword as a clue, please, John.
- I think I know. - You think you know?
He was sort of defending the idea that monkeys could learn something
or that monkeys could demonstrate more wisdom in certain situations
than humans, that you can give a monkey some alcohol
and it won't repeat the experience, and people do repeat the experience.
Sally and Micky, d'you want to have a go at an answer?
Is it, "If I was any wiser or any more drunk,
"I'd find a few more monkeys and create a band"?
Well, I think we need to hear the full quotation
and see who's got closest. John.
"..and thus is much wiser than most men."
But the rest of that quote is,
"But a British monkey would get just as fucked up."
LAUGHTER
- Richard was almost entirely right. - Hey!
LAUGHTER
Yes, "An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy,
"would never touch it again."
Monkeys are in fact highly intelligent.
They can be taught to use tools...
to flick shit at each other.
So, at the end of our Keywords round,
I can tell you that the teams are tied.
APPLAUSE
Over the break, see if you can complete this quotation from
Elton John, from an interview in 1995, talking about his lifestyle.
Feel free to tweet your answer to @somethingIsaid,
and we'll see you in a couple of minutes.
Welcome back to Was It Something I Said?
Before the break,
we asked you to complete this quotation from Elton John...
- What? - "I'll buy the Alps."
"Sometimes when I'm flying over the Alps, I think,
" 'This ain't right, I'm going to Edinburgh.' "
LAUGHTER
I'll give you a clue, it's about drugs.
"The snow on it's like the same amount of cocaine I've taken."
- Richard's right. - What?! - John, can we get the full quote, please?
"Sometimes, when I'm flying over the Alps, I think,
" 'That's like all the cocaine I've sniffed.' "
Elton John said in an interview with Piers Morgan...
And then it got even worse -
he had to do an interview with Piers Morgan.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Up next is a round called What Are They Talking About?
You'll hear a quote that has been taken completely out of context
and you need to work out what that person is talking about.
It's a bit like when you read out the joke from your cracker
and no-one understands why it's supposed to be funny
and then you all realise it's a fun fact.
Here's one from techie and businessman Bill Gates,
writing in the Wall Street Journal in 2003. Can we hear it, John?
"It would be funny if it weren't so irritating."
RICHARD: Life.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't let someone photograph me having my Boxing Day poo.
LAUGHTER
Is it that draft excluder that you put on the edge of the door
and it just always comes away a bit at the top after a little while,
and, no matter how many times you push it up, it just flaps down?
Yep, that's right, that's what he was talking about.
Yes, he was talking about that sort of draft excluder
that you put on the side of the door and the top bit always comes away.
Billionaires have these problems, too. Next round...
No, no, it's not that.
This is something he encounters on a daily basis
but it is arguably his fault.
Is it because every time he goes on to Facebook,
the entire margin is covered with "lose your belly fat" adverts?
Is it about the amount of spam that you get on computers?
That's what it's about. Can we have the full quote, please, John?
APPLAUSE
"I receive a tonne of spam every day.
"Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick.
"It would be funny if it weren't so irritating."
He gets four million spam e-mails per day,
and has to employ a whole department to get rid of them.
John, do you know where the term "spam" came from?
It doesn't relate to that dreadful meat we had in the 1940s, does it?
Indirectly, it relates to that.
It comes from the Monty Python sketch
where they all sing, "Spam, spam, spam, spam..."
that the word "spam" is used to drown out
what the people are actually trying to say to each other.
I don't think what the other characters are saying in that sketch
would be worth hearing.
It's the saying of "spam," that's the point of the sketch.
I think it's rather perverse to watch that sketch and say,
"I wish those Vikings would stop singing 'spam'
"so I can hear what everyone else is trying to say."
Imagine being really irritated by it,
"I can't hear what they're saying!"
It would be like watching a film,
you've got George Clooney having a scene at the front,
"I want to hear what the other people in the restaurant are saying!"
Our final round is the Was It Something I Said? round,
in which each team has to work out who said the following quotations.
It'll be from someone on the show tonight,
or from our virtual guest, George Osborne,
the man who made it to the top despite his origins
as the son of a mere millionaire baronet.
So first up is Micky's team.
Who said the following, was it Richard, Reg, John,
me, or George Osborne?
Who's that?
That just smells of you, doesn't it?
LAUGHTER
- My own Christmas fragrance really bombed, it was... - "Pedant".
It was actually called "Anal".
LAUGHTER
They said, "Don't call it Anal,
"people will think it smells of shit."
And I said, "No, it will smell of specificity."
- That wouldn't be George Osborne, though, because he would've... - Yes!
Brown pair of shoes, black pair of shoes, and a gold pair of shoes.
David Cameron doesn't seem to have very many pairs of shoes.
He got the piss taken out of him for wearing black office shoes...
- On the beach? - Yeah. - What do you wear on holiday, Dave?
I'm on the record as a naturist, so I wear...nothing at all.
Have you ever done that, have you ever done a nudist beach?
No, I've never been nude, even in private.
Yeah, I did it. So stressful.
Because your penis goes, "What you doing? What you doing?"
It goes back into the pubes, it gets terrified.
You stand there with a vagina in public.
It's absolutely terrifying.
LAUGHTER
I need an answer.
I'm going to say most likely John,
cos I believe Richard's quite a natty dresser,
- knows what he's doing... - Sure. - Reg doesn't wear shoes,
he's had bare feet for nearly 15 years now.
He's got, like, hooves.
- You're saying John? - Yes. - Well, the answer is...
John.
APPLAUSE
It's a little bit embarrassing, this, isn't it?
All your comments give the impression whoever said that's an idiot.
I got a life, you know, an ordinary person.
Next up, Richard's team.
Can we have the next quote, please, John?
"I have a leatherette bum bag that I purchased on a foreign holiday
"in the early '80s.
"It hung very nicely above my Speedos."
Who said that?
Was it Micky, Sally, John,
me or George Osborne?
I think I know who this one is.
I think the only person here with the BALLS to wear a Speedo...
You mean that both literally and metaphorically?
LAUGHTER
- I think it's Flanagan. - Yeah, me too.
I know how much you like leatherette items.
I do like leatherette.
For years and years, if you wanted a proper leather jacket,
it was very, very expensive,
and then you've got a leatherette jacket, which looked like leather
but was much cheaper. But it was a little bit shameful.
If I was going to have a bum bag, it would be quality.
Sheepskin.
I don't know that you would allow leather and the ocean to mix,
because...getting salt out of leather's a fool's endeavour.
LAUGHTER
That's a wise old aphorism, isn't it?
"Nothing brings out a sweat like leatherette."
- So your answer is Micky Flanagan? - Yeah. - And the answer is...
Micky Flanagan.
APPLAUSE
Do you still sport the leatherette bum bag?
- My wife made me get rid of it. - "It's got to go."
For most of the '80s, I used to go on holiday
and I used to take a pair of flip flops, a pair of Speedos,
a vest for the evening...
LAUGHTER
..a bum bag. Job done.
- No trousers? - No.
You buy a pair of shorts there...
You went on the plane in Speedos?
No, you had a pair of tennis shorts over the top.
So why do you need to buy new shorts out there?
Pair for during the day, pair for the evening.
Now you're sounding like Jennifer Lopez!
Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for,
and a quick look at the scores tells me that it is a draw.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky and Sally, Richard and Reg,
and to our guest narrator, John Sergeant.
And we leave you with the words of Daniel Day-Lewis,
who once said...
That's very much how I felt when trying to get through Lincoln.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd