Wow,that opera,man.
Such lovely arms from such large bodies.
Thanks so much for the driving,by the way.
My pleasure.
See,you really don't know how to drive?
Me? Never had to.
My ex-wife,she...she drove me everywhere...
including crazy.
No,I'm joking.
Doreep,she was a fine woman.
Oh,oh,dear.
Don't worry.I'll handle this.
Is there a problem,officer?
I clocked you at 52 in a 35 zone.
Oops! I guess sometimes I...move too fast.
I guess so.
I'll be right back.
Wait! Where are you going?
What are you doing?
That doesn't seem like standard procedure.
Bye,guys.
Whoo! they let me off with a warning.
Well,the important thing is you got off.
All I could do was just sit there
And watch them finish...
Processing her.
I'm sorry,freddy.
Yo,buddy,this wouldn't have happened if you knew how to drive.
Listen,I do eventually want to learn how to drive.
It's just--there is-- never mind.
No,no,no,no. tell us.
All right. I did try to drive once,
When I was younger,back in india.
It was during the durga puja festival,right?
So naturally,the streets were filled with puja pandals...
Naturally. puja pandals.
Of course. sure.
Then suddenly,out of nowhere,
This woman dressed as the goddess durga
Steps in front of my car...
Whammo!
Broke her arms. all eight of them.
Fred,you can't let one bad experience hold you back.
I mean,if I'd stopped going to benito's burritos
After I found a band-aid in my taco,
You guys wouldn't have enjoyed this delicious lunch you just ate.
Believe me,I want to get past the fear,
I just don't know how.
You know what,fred? what?
I'm going to teach you how to drive.
Ohh. really?
But are you a good driver?
If I wasn't,could I safely do 75 in a school zone?
Well,I do like safety.
Kevin,stop calling me.
Who's kevin?
Just this boring guy I went on
A couple times with who can't take a hint.
I thought his name was barry.
No,that was last week's boring guy
Who couldn't take a hint.
Why did I get stuck in these ruts?
Because you keep dating the same bland,lawyer types.
Oh,please. you're no better.
The last few women you've gone out with
Have all been self-involved,uptight snobs.
She likes the rich,you like the bitch.
Harsh,yet quippy.
Seriously,gator,it's like you're fishing in this tiny little pond.
And kate,you're dating inside this tiny little box.
And there's this whole big world out there.
So you're saying that,gator,you have to watch where you dip your rod.
And kate,you'll have to have your box widened.
Anyone want some tea?
What is with the mop?
You've been up in there all day.
It's driving me crazy.
I can't find a shampoo I like.
Nikki used to buy all this crap for us.
I've tried,like,a dozen kinds.
Nothing's working.
Shampoo's for chicks.
You should use soap.
That's what I do.
"beauty tips from box-car willie."
What's the matter?
Are you ok?
I just saw a huge mouse!
Where do you keep your tupperware?
I don't have any!
Really? it's so handy.
How can you not have tupperware?
Because I don't like leftovers!
What if you have a big thing of pasta?
Such a waste.
Oh,my god! there it is!
Oh,man. that's no mouse.
That is a rat.
Oh,and I'm out.
Ok. step aside from the window.
I've got a sweet wrist shot,I'm going top shelf.
Aah! aah! get off! get off!
Aw,man. wide left.
Get off,get off,get off,get off!
Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,get off,get off!
There it is! he's on the counter!
That was the longest nine minutes of my life.
Gotta hand it to him.
The little guy was a fighter.
I feel bad.
Why?
It looked like he was having fun on that revolving plate.
At first.
I'm guessing new neighbor?
New neighbor's visitor?
Dangerous meth-head trespasser?
New neighbor. I'm pam.
Welcome to the building. I'm gator.
I'm in number 5 if you need anything.
Actually,I know this might sound a little weird,
But have you seen my pet rat?
Pet rat?
Uh,I don't think so.
Well,thanks anyway.
He's probably burrowing into a wall or something.
You know,trying to stay warm.
I don't think that's a problem.
Ok,bud,now I am not going to let you drive
Without watching an instructional video first.
"Fast and furious Tokyo drift"?
See,most driver's ed videos focus on boring stuff,
Like rules of the road,safety,blah blah blah.
This one teaches you what
Kick-ass moves.
Ok,but I don't understand how this will actually help me learn to drive.
Really?
So I guess you already know what to do
When you get challenged to a race by a member
Of the yakuza crime syndicate.
Huh,fred?
You're right.
Pop it in.
Hey,I'm rick.
Rick's pest control?
I'm kate.
Kate's rodent-infested apartment.
Oh,I've seen your ads on tv.
Well,come on in.
Wow,looks like we're dealing with some smart rats here.
How do you know?
Well,look at the signs.
They read big books,
And at least one of them learned how to make tea.
So,are you helping me move to be a nice guy,
Or are you just trying to look through my stuff?
I respect my neighbor's privacy...
Even if she does own ace of base's greatest hits.
It was a gift.
To myself.
I just love what you haven't done with the place.
Thanks.
Just be careful where you step.
My rat might still be around here somewhere.
And if not,you have spares.
Oh,I rescue them from labs.
I just got this little guy yesterday.
Isn't he adorable?
Oh,no,no,no. thank you.
I'm trying to quit.
Come on. hold him.
Ok. hey,little fella.
Hey,he's really soft.
Smells nice,too.
Well,you would,too,if you had shampoo tested
On you 20 times a day.
You wouldn't happen to know which brand
Of shampoo they were testing,would you?
style-tex Oh,it's this horrible company,style-tex.
You wouldn't believe how they treat these poor little animals.
Style-tex,huh?
Seriously,he is like april fresh.
Look at that head of hair,
The bounce,the luster.
Well,thanks for the help.
I'll see you around.
Hey,is everything ok?
Uh,yeah.
I just don't joke around when it comes to animal rights.
Oh,no,neither do i.
I'm just being silly.
No,I'm very into animal rights.
I'm way into them.
You are? sure.
Save the whales,peta. come on.
Really? yeah.
Does the bear have the right
To do anything it wants in the woods?
Yeah.
First lesson--Proper hand position on the wheel.
Oh,I know this.
10:00 and 2:00.
Correct!
If you're a chump. what?
You gotta drive like a player.
All right? left hand at high noon,
Right hand on the prowl.
On the prowl. what exactly is it prowling for?
It'll know when it finds it.
Now,let's talk tunes.
Tunes? look,tommy,
I don't care,ok,about tunes or tokyo drifts.
I just want to get safely from point "a" to point "b."
Fred,remember,you're doing this for the ladies.
I'm getting you from point "a" to point "v."
Look,I thought you said you were going to teach me how to drive!
You want to drive?
Yes,I want to drive.
Ok,let's drive. ok.
Gas,brake.
Let's put the rubber to the road.
What? whoa.
No,no. whoa,whoa!
There you go.
Easy does it.
Nice and easy.
Just stay right in the middle of the lane.
Wait,wait! tommy,what are you doing?!
Sink or swim,buddy!
Oh,this is not good.
I need your help.
What do you think,shoewise?
I'd probably play it safe and wear two of the same.
Listen,I helped that new neighbor,pam,
Move into her apartment,we hung out for,like,three hours.
Oh,yeah,I met her in the hall.
She seems really nice.
She's more than nice,she's incredible!
And aside from being beautiful,
She's probably one of the most selfless,
Caring human beings I've ever met.
She not only believes in things,
She does something about it.
Wow. what's she doing hanging out with you?
It just so happens,we connect on a lot of different levels.
One of which is she thinks I'm this huge animal rights activist.
You? you're a member of the smoked meat of the month club.
Shh. she lives right in the building.
Why would you lie to her?
Because I respect her and because I like her,
And now she likes me,too.
You're really good at these things. what can I do?
You know what to do. you got to come clean with her.
You're right... you're right.
I'll do it...
Right after the protest today.
You're going to a protest?
Oh,this just keeps getting better.
Ooh. promise you'll call me,
So I can be there when the whole thing blows up in your face?
Thanks. helpful.
So,I'm guessing you usually date guys wear ties to work.
Not always.
On casual fridays it's a khakis-and-oxford-shirt extravaganza.
You know,I have to say,
This was a little unexpected,but I'm having a great time.
Yeah. me,too.
Life is just full of surprises.
Like yesterday. I was in this attic,
Checking out this odor I was sure was a dead raccoon.
Turns out? rotting pigeon carcass.
Yeah,and if you like that one,you'll love this one.
Will i?
One time I thought I was removing
A live squirrel from this crawl space,
But turns out it was dead.
It was just moving cause of all the maggots under its skin.
Ha ha. man,I did not see that one coming.
Me neither.
20 years,a million tears!
I'm here at the harbor lobster house,
Where they're celebrating the twentieth birthday of their mascot,
"leroy the lobster."
But it's no party to several animal activists,
Who strongly object to leroy's captivity.
Excuse me,sir,is there any message
You'd like to share with the public about lobster rights?
20 years,a million tears!
Yeah. first of all,
We all know that lobsters die at a rate
Of 500--5,000-- 50,000 a year--
A week or two.
And why should the public be concerned about this?
It's an excellent question.
First of all,lobsters are very loyal.
I like to think of them as the spiny,
Many legged dogs of the sea.
Sir,it sounds like you're making this up as you go along.
No,it's ok. it'll all cut together in the editing.
Sir,we're live.
And so is leroy,but for how long?
And now back to you in the studio.
20 years,a million tears!
What the hell was that?
Me getting the message out?
I'm not an idiot.
You don't care about animal rights,do you?
It's not that I don't care--
What kind of person does something like this?
I like you,and I thought that you'd like me if--
If what? if you lied to me?
You know what,this may all be a big joke
To you,but it's not to me.
20 years,a million tears!
Oh,no,this is not good.
A fiery crash is surely imminent.
Ok,just remember your training.
Tunes!
Ok,that's nice.
Oh,there we go.
Heart rate slowing,
Adrenal glands normalizing.
Testicular tingling?
Ooh. I'm doing it!
I'm doing it! I'm driving!
I'm driving!
Yes,you are,my man!
See you back at gator's!
20 years,a million tears!
Pam! pam! I got leroy! I got leroy!
I got leroy!
Oh,my god! oh,oh.
Run!
Hey,hey,ladies.
I'm driving too fast?
Wouldn't want to make you too furious. huh?
Ah! not again!
And...foot on brake,car in park.
He looks so peaceful.
You did a good thing today.
I've always thought of myself
As kind of the abe lincoln to crustaceans.
What do you say we go out and celebrate
Leroy's first step toward freedom?
Leroy,be a gentleman
And point those eyestalks somewhere else.
Oh. hey there.
Hey,I got you some soup.
You said you were feeling a little sick after lunch.
Oh,yeah.
So,I was wondering what you were up to this weekend.
Listen,rick,i--
Hold that thought. we got some action.
Thanks for a great night.
What's going on?
We just saw a mouse.
Rick is gonna get it.
No! leave him alone!
Please stand back.
Stop! gotcha!
It's my mouse.
Here you go.
Oh,my god. I thought you were going to kill him.
Oh,no,never.
No,I'm all about humane pest control.
And by the way,it's a "her."
Really? yeah.
Cause how else would she have had...
These little guys?
Oh,thank you so much.
Just doing my job.
Looks like rat man could be a keeper.
Hey,rick,you wouldn't want to come in
For some homemade soup,would you?
I thought you weren't feeling so well.
I'm starting to come around.
You really care about those animals.
Well,it's a good day when I can save some little lives.
But they're not all good days.
I'm sure it's the same at your job.
Yeah. actually,last week
I was pulling an all-nighter hammering out this custody agreement--
Wait,whoa. "custody agreement?"
Yeah.
Are you a divorce lawyer?
Yeah. you knew that.
No. no,I knew you were a lawyer,
I did not know you got paid to rip families apart.
Well,I wouldn't really say--
All of those lives ruined,
All of those innocent children devastated.
I'm sorry. I find that sickening.
What do you say we have a drink to toast
The furry new additions to your family?
Sounds like a plan.
What's that smell?
Howdy!
Oh,my god!
I figured since you're letting me crash here,
The least I could do is cook up your lobster for you.
Tommy.
I gotta tell you,
This sucker put up a bigger fight
Than that rat you nuked the other day.
Oh,and here's that shampoo you wanted.
Style-tex.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Whoa. are you mad at me,or the situation?
So we're grossed out by each other's jobs!
No biggie.
What's that smell?
He slaughtered a lobster.
That wasn't me!
You think that's bad? this one's a divorce lawyer.
Oh,god. I gotta get out of here.
Yeah. me,too. let's go.
You feel like lobster?
Can I help you?
We're looking for a jack gately.
This is him right here,officer.
Is there a problem?
We got a report from someone in the building
About you torturing animals with a microwave oven.
Oh,I can explain that.
Don't worry,gator. I got this.
Excuse me.
Hey,fellas.
Perhaps we can take this somewhere a little more private?
Huh? maybe you want to go to the backseat of your squad car?
We're not going to the squad car.
Ok,fellas,turn around.