[PHONE BEEPS] Ripped By mstoll
Ohh!
- It's Coach. - Coach, our old roommate?
He wants to hang out.
- What? - He just texted me.
Better give power of attorney to a loved one...
...because it's about to get crazy. - When Coach has the dice, every roll's a 7.
ALL [SINGING]: Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane
- Nick. Trumpet solo. - Yeah.
MAN: You're ruining my wedding. - Here I am...
Bet this means he broke up with Malia.
That's his thing. He finds a girl, he disappears.
Holy crap, Schmidt. How long have you been out there?
Relax. Just bringing my chimes over to the new loft.
You're here all the time taking our stuff.
You decided to move out. Get new stuff.
I'm sorry that I'm more into material possessions.
You stole my toothpaste while I was using it. That's vindictive.
- That's who took the toothpaste? - Better watch out, break of dawn...
...because I'm about to party all up in you.
- Coach texted you? - Yeah.
Doesn't realize you're a dillweed who doesn't live here.
I guess he doesn't realize you're a dillweed who...
Who still lives here.
Remember when you got those chimes, that girl?
Yeah.
- What's happening? - I don't know.
NICK: Crazy. - So much sex on furniture.
- A lot of fun. - That was the best.
- I'm still mad at you. - I'm mad at you, man.
I need everyone to shut up and answer one simple question.
You sons of bitches ready to party?
ALL: Yeah!
- [SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
It's good to have you back, man. So, uh, you and Malia broke up?
Ah, yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was like, ew, bye.
- I guess her gain is our gain. - Ha, ha. Who are you?
- Come on, man. It's Jess. - It's me, Jess.
- Yeah, no. - We lived together for two weeks.
We shared some pretty big moments.
- Yes. We got Bin Laden. - Seal Team Six, bitches.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huh.
- I thought I was alone for that. - You weren't.
Anyway, I'm single and me and my boys are gonna get crazy tonight.
[ALL LAUGH]
You know what I'm talking about, Shrimp Forks.
SCHMIDT: Oh, no. - What's "Shrimp Forks"?
It's a name I gave Winston when we played hoops.
The ball used to always slip through his small, girly hands.
Winston Bishop, point guard. Ru... Agh.
Winston Bishop, point guard...
Point guard... Ruh...
Couldn't palm an apple. Old Shrimp Forks.
So I'm thinking strip club tonight. Mm?
Oh, fun, fun, fun.
Uh, Nick, could I talk to you in the other room alone?
Close the door or you wanna do it quietly?
- We're not having sex, Nick. - No, I know that. Come here and talk.
- Yeah. A strip club on a Tuesday night? - No, I know. This is what we used to do.
I don't wanna be one of those girls, but I feel uncomfortable.
- I totally get it. - Let's go. These bills aren't gonna...
...stick themselves in a thong. Right on. - I'm coming, my man. Ha-ha-ha.
- I might be coming, my man. - Oh, I get it.
- You're whipped. - No, I'm not.
Didn't know you had to check in.
- We haven't discussed the girlfriend thing. - Oh, cool, man. Let's go. Ha, ha.
What?
- What a...? - I'm sorry, what did I just hear?
I said we haven't had the girlfriend-boyfriend discussion.
- You don't think you're my boyfriend? - I never said that.
I'm just talking terminology. We've never had the terminology.
- What? - We've never used the terminology.
You "act" like my boyfriend. You have the privileges.
- I enjoy them. - Would you like me to revoke those?
No, you're twisting my words.
What I'm saying, Jess, is we've never had the boyfriend-girlfriend...
...seeing-other-people conversation.
Haven't had the seeing-other-people conversation?
- You're seeing other people? - No, I'm not. Are you?
- No. - Jess, I'm just...
We haven't had the conversation, is all.
And it's a conversation that I, personally, would love to have.
Uh, dude, let's go. It's gonna close. Jeez, is she not letting you go?
I'm just telling her what kind of cake to bake me, son.
Ooh!
Damn. That's right. All right.
What are you doing?
- I don't know. It's when Coach is here. - What are you doing?
- I just... - No.
Nick.
- I'm really sorry. - Guess what, Nick.
I'm going out because we haven't had "boyfriend-girlfriend" talk.
And we haven't had the seeing-other-people talk.
And I'm gonna bake a cake. A pineapple upside-down cake.
- In terms of the metaphor, I'm... - Don't. Go to the strip club.
- Knock yourself out. - Ho, ho.
- Don't wait up, Jebecca. - It's Jess.
Right on.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
- Men suck. - Nick isn't even a man.
He's like some man-boy, man-child hybrid.
The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail.
I shouldn't have to do that.
If a guy wants to play games, Jess, you gotta play them right back.
- Right. Good. - Yeah.
What does that mean?
- I'd make him jealous. - Yeah, right.
There a lot of guys out there that wanna hook up with you.
There is this one guy Artie from the coffee shop who asked me out.
You have my number. So give me a call. Maybe we can go out sometime.
Shut your face.
Maybe give this guy Artie a call and see what's...
No, that's too real. That's just way too real.
- Why have his number? - I like looking at it.
- It's not weird. But it has a lot of fours in it. - No.
If you know what I mean.
No, I don't.
ANNOUNCER: Here at the Velvet Rabbit, Lacey.
Agh! Which one of y'all want a lap dance? Because W.V. Just hit the ATM.
- Aw! Hold up. WINSTON: Mm-hm.
Shrimp Forks, why'd you get so much bunny money?
- What is bunny money? NICK: That is bunny money.
It's not real money. Look at the bill.
"President Rabbit-With-Two-Big-Ass..."
ALL: Ha, ha. - Damn, man.
It's fine as long as you didn't take much.
Schmidt, I took out $2,000.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You keep making mistakes, Winston. Isn't this great, guys?
- Yeah, man. - Awesome.
And it's gonna keep getting better. We're not leaving here until the sun comes up.
- Ha, ha! - Yo, Brick Top, we about to get it popping.
- Whistle while you twerk. - Woo, woo!
- That man has so much confidence. - Amazing.
- Can't do this. I'm having anxiety. - So tired.
I have an 8 a.m. Presentation. I have to get there at 7:45 to lower everybody's chairs.
- Jess hasn't texted me back. - Here's what we should do.
You should tell him we wanna leave. Maybe you wanna leave and we'll all go.
- Why do I have to be the heavy? COACH: All right, fellas.
- Ha, ha! All right. You're back. - Ha-ha-ha.
So I got dancers for each of us, plus one floater to play the zone.
- Whoa! Defense. - Ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah. - Here's a crazy idea.
- Shoot, man. - What if we got out of here...
...went back and hung out?
You're going through a break-up, let's talk.
Yeah. Just, um, go home and talk feelings.
- No. - Mm-mm.
I was with Malia, now I'm not. There. We talked about it.
Oh, look at the time, it's butt o'clock.
- You're whipped. - Shut up.
- You whipped. - Straight up.
- I'm not whipped. - Whipped like cream cheese. Cream cheese.
Cece, I'm thinking of firing off this text to Nick: "Loving the single life."
Should I add a "woo-hoo"? Too bitchy?
Look who I called.
Hey, Jess.
Shut your face. What?
Looks like you could use a new drink.
Barkeep? Could I please get a Shirley Temple...
...with a finger of coconut rum and a lemon squeeze?
I call it a Temple Grandin, because it makes me friendly and compassionate.
[ALL LAUGH]
- I have a boyfriend. - No, she doesn't.
I do. She do.
Obviously this is a bad time and, uh, you're involved.
- In some shape or other. - No, she's free as a bird.
- Cece. - All right, well, he's a very lucky man.
I hope he realizes that.
Don't move. You got an eyelash. There we go. Make a wish.
I'm afraid to. Ha, ha.
All right, take care.
- Big mistake. - I shook his hand. I had my fun.
You think that Nick is in a strip club right now shaking hands?
No. Because he is a man. You can't trust them, Jess.
Okay, the moment you let your guard down, they just walk all over you.
Tonight is the night to beat them at their own game.
Hey, Artie. Bet you can't lift me.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING & MEN WHOOPING]
All sales of bunny money are final.
How am I supposed to spend $2000 on dancers?
- Oh, no, our dancers don't take it. - What?
Bunny money is redeemable at the bar, our gift shop...
...and our sister club in Ft. Myers, Florida.
- What? - Body shot.
[COACH LAUGHS]
Tastes delicious. What is that, an aftertaste?
- Probably baby formula. - Ugh.
NICK: Tuesday nights. - Girl, you are a pistol. Ha, ha.
Tell you what, how about you and me go back and I dance on you this time?
[NICK LAUGHING]
Oh, man.
Tuesday nights. For a chub, you're a terrible heavy.
Let's get Coach really drunk until he passes out, then we take him home.
- Shot contest. - Shot contest.
- Like Raiders of the Lost Arch. - Not ripping a page from that pro-Nazi film.
- Raiders isn't pro-Nazi. - Might as well be SS propaganda.
No. Everybody in a Nazi uniform dies.
When she puts the hand into the...
- The heart. - No, not the... Well, that happens too.
- Nazis. - I don't think that makes you a Nazi.
They ate the monkey brains and there was all the bugs. Nazi. Nazi.
Nick's at a strip club.
But he's just being a normal guy in his 20s, that wants to hang out with other guys.
They're all in their 30s.
Yeah, but enough about Nick.
What do you do when you're not making coffee at the coffee shop?
Actually, I own the coffee shop.
- What? - Not as glamorous as you may think.
It's a lot of spreadsheets, and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice.
Nick's never been to Brazil.
Maybe you should step away, you know, call Nick up and hash things out.
Can't call Nick. Then he'll know I'm thinking about him and then he wins.
- Maybe you both win? - Say "Brazil" again.
Brazil.
[GIGGLES]
- Say "rubber baby buggy bumpers." - Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
Oh, my God.
The shot contest isn't working. It's only making him stronger.
[PHONE RINGS]
It's Jess. Hey, Jess. I'm so glad you called.
- Nick, can I talk to you for a second? - Oh, is that, uh, the Notorious N-A-G?
- Hey. - Is that Naggie Gyllenhaal?
Hey. I don't need your help checking my woman.
- You're checking your woman? - Wait, how did you hear that?
You were covering the listening part, dummy.
- They look the same. I'm too drunk. - Well, I'm way drunk too.
And I'm with a man.
- What? - He owns a business and he goes to Brazil.
- Nick? Nick, hello? - Oh, that's a coin flip.
- He's so immature. - Jess!
Jessica.
ARTIE: You guys have had enough.
- Let me give you a ride home. - You weren't drinking?
No, no, no, I don't drink. Gotta get ajump on the mornings.
Well, you really have it together.
I bet you can use a phone too.
Your bar for having it together is set pretty low.
I don't think this is such a good idea. We can grab a cab.
Cece, this was your idea.
- Artie. Can we take yourjet? ARTIE: Oh, heh.
- It's just one coffee shop. - Wouldn't you like to know.
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys, give it up for Candy.
- Is that lobster gray? - Most expensive thing on the menu.
I gotta go. Jess is drinking and talking to some guy...
Forget her, dude. Relationships are prisons.
- How often do we get to hang? - I haven't seen you in two years.
Strippers and booze forever.
- There it is. - You know what? Stop. No, no.
Relationships are not prisons.
And Jess is amazing.
She's sexy and sweet. I can't lose her.
So I'm going home to see her.
[COACH CRYING]
Why are you crying? We can see each other tomorrow.
I didn't break up with Malia, all right?
She broke up with me.
- Why didn't you say anything, man? - Because I was embarrassed, Winston.
I was just trying to fill a void with all these naked chicks.
I don't wanna be here. I wanna be in love.
That's just pathetic.
Now she's dating some dude named "Derek." Or Derek.
You need to go home. And I need to go home too.
You're right, man.
- You have to fight for your relationships. - Fricking Derek.
- Let's go. - Mm-mm. Guys, guys, you cannot leave.
I was crying. I wanna get out of here.
- It's embarrassing, he cried. - All these chicks saw me cry.
I got bunny money coming out of my pockets.
- Wait a minute, this ain't the way home. - We're just gonna make a quick stop.
We're gonna kick Malia's boyfriend's ass.
NICK: This is a police station. - I know. That's where he works.
You wanna drunk-fight a cop?
- He stole my girlfriend. - Did you hear the joke about...
...the two black guys and two white guys who walked into a police station?
- The two white guys came out. - I'm with Winston.
- Winston... - Mm-hm?
...I got two of these and you got one more of those.
- Put that away. NICK: Coach.
SCHMIDT: Let's do it. Let's get raucous. NICK: Coach. No. We're not ready.
SCHMIDT: He is pure life force. - He's a lunatic, man. I gotta get out of here.
- I got a work thing. Work trumps girls. - I got a girl thing.
- Girls are replaceable, jobs are forever. - I bet I get left with the fare. I just bet...
Hey, driver, let me ask you something. Do you like strippers?
Do you also like the deal of a lifetime?
I wanted to leave first. Been saying that the whole night.
And none of you can stop me.
You think that you can beat me in a physical altercation of fisticuffs?
I will beat you in a way that you've never been beaten before.
Hoo, hoo!
- Damn it. - You got hit in the face, son.
Hit me again.
Because I swear there will be... I'll be...
Loosen up your neck so I can put you in a headlock of a lifetime.
Guys, it's escalating. Look.
- I'm a cop. Pew, pew-pew. - No, no, no.
JESS: Thanks for the ride, Artie.
Bathroom's down the hall.
It's the one with the urinals. I do live with men.
Nay, boys.
[LAUGHS]
Look, if he can pee in Brazil, he can pee in my house.
- Do you actually like this guy? - What? No. No.
Nick couldn't call me his girlfriend.
And that hurt.
Now I wanna hurt him back. With some long, hot conversation.
- That's what you really wanna do? - Yes. Men suck, remember?
I'm sorry about saying that. Because I put that on you, all right?
That's because I'm going through something right now with Schmidt.
- You have Nick. - Nick's a child...
...who drinks on Tuesdays.
You're drinking and you're a teacher.
Those kids are watching a movie tomorrow.
Look, Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan.
I once found a note he wrote to himself that said "put on pants."
Followed by a question mark. That means it read, "Put on pants?"
Also, he throws pizza at seagulls.
Which I guess is kind of nice, because he's trying to feed them.
And he's a really, really great kisser.
You have something really good.
Just go get Artie and tell him to leave, all right?
COACH: Can you just get Derek? - Hey, hey.
He's gonna get the whole precinct. This is a high-income area. They're very bored.
Gotta get sober. Gotta... Oh, my goodness, this jacket smells like gasoline.
- Come on. - Guys, come on.
Come on, man, we're too old for this. We're too old for this whole night.
- What? - Life changes. You gotta grow up.
I did. I'm in a relationship and I'm happy.
Schmidt moved out of the loft and he's happy.
- I'm miserable. It's your fault. - What are you talking about?
I'm in a vacancy room. A room of vacancy.
- By choice. Choice. - Emptiness.
Your face is gonna look all melted like the president at the end of Raiders.
He wasn't the president. You saw a different movie.
- I'll kill you. - He wasn't the president.
- Guys. - Kick you in the butt.
- He touched my penis. Don't touch. - Hey.
- Stop it. You just touched my penis. - Hey, hey.
You touched my...
[ALL GROANING]
- You guys, grow up. - You grow up.
Coach, what are you doing here?
- It's, uh... - Is this about Malia?
Yeah, it's about Malia.
Take care of her, man.
I will.
I'm a cop, not some drunk loser.
Get out of here.
Should we grow up tomorrow night?
- Yeah. SCHMIDT: Muscle time.
- Muscle time. - Oh, yeah.
- Hey, back up. - Arrest me, dude. Arrest me.
- He's got backup. Go, go, go. WINSTON: Move, go.
NICK: Serpentine! SCHMIDT: Agh!
NICK: Serpentine! SCHMIDT: Unh!
[ALL YELLING]
Artie, I have to hit the hay.
- Oh, dear. ARTIE: Don't worry.
I'm gonna make you coffee in the morning.
It's been a really great evening. What a treat it's been...
...but somewhere along the way, some signals got crossed.
Signals could not have been any clearer. Come on in.
The water's warm.
- Are you splashing me? - I'm trying to mix you up.
- Seriously? - Men are such dicks.
Whoo! All right, guys, second wind. You got an old TV?
- Let's throw it off the roof. - Come on, you're crashing with me.
And you go talk to your girlfriend.
Thanks. Hey, it was a fun night.
- All right, guys. - Let's go, Shrimp Forks.
Coach. Shrimp Forks? Come on, man...
...that makes no sense. I played professional basketball.
- You gotta stop calling me that. - I'm sorry, man. Hop along, Bunny Money.
- Better than Shrimp Forks. I'll take that. - Fantastic.
- It only cost you $2000. - It did, didn't it?
The Brazilians have the same word for making love to one woman...
...as they do for making love to two.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- Take off your tops and say it with me. - Jess?
Oh, my God. That's Nick.
Okay, okay. You just get him dressed. I will stall Nick.
- I am really good at this kind of thing. - Oh, my God.
Nick, I've been wanting to talk to you about this side table.
What kind of wood is it made out of? I failed.
- Jess. - Huh?
Welcome, brother.
My God. Nick, I can't imagine...
...what you must be thinking right now. Actually, this is your worst nightmare.
There's a good-Iooking man in my bed and he's naked and I'm flustered.
I might as well just spray-paint "Jay Cutler Sucks" on the wall...
...and just round out the whole image, right?
Nick, nothing happened and nothing was ever going to happen.
And you have to believe me, please.
Say you believe me. Please.
I believe you.
- Do you have any questions? - Do you want me to have questions?
- Well... - Hey, Artie.
I'm gonna need you to get out of my girlfriend's bed, man.
Well, uh, ahem, I'm naked and in bed and you're fully clothed and standing...
...so I mean, I hardly think this would be a fair fight.
Well, I'd like it to be a fair fight.
- Thank God for snaps. - Men are so weird.
I must warn you, whilst spending time in Brazil...
Let me get situated first before we get into this thing.
Oh, my God.
- Bye-bye. Heh. - Don't die, big guy. Ha, ha.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You called me your girlfriend. - Did I? I don't remember.
- Where's Winston with the food? - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
[ALL GROAN]
SCHMIDT: Yes. - Crazy at the V-Rab. Bachelor party season.
I got a deep-dish gyrator, no mushrooms.
Don't call it V-Rab.
- Ha-ha-ha. - Please.
- I got the main-stage fish tacos? - No regrets.
- Great order. - Pour Some Sugar on Meatballs.
- Oh, that's me. Thank you. - Ah. Let's see. And I got...
...the short-stack ass-clap pancakes. - The flapjacks.
All right, you wanna split?
COACH: Let's do one for one. - Want a taco?
- I'm gonna take one of Winston's. NICK: Take it.
I was thinking you guys could chip in a little.
- No, no. - Because it was expensive.
SCHMIDT: Want one of Winston's tacos? NICK: Yeah.
- I'd take 50 cents on the dollar. I would. - Yeah.
COACH: This beer is great. WINSTON: Please? Ripped By mstoll