Subs created by: David Coleman.
I never should have given up my flip phone.
Look at this, brand-new. It's not working!
I told you, mom, you can't use your fingernail.
The screen responds to the heat of your skin.
Agh, you don't know.
Oh, oh, my gosh.
I have to go find my wallet.
Hey, did I throw my wallet when you were ten
and ripped your scrotum on that sprinkler head?
Oh, my God!
That's what I said, only three octaves higher.
Oh, that's my boss.
Hey, check it out. Heat.
Hi, Max.
Seriously? Now?
All right, I'll be right over.
That's weird.
Max is calling a meeting in his hotel room.
It's 10:00 at night.
He's still living in a hotel?
Yeah, he says he likes how impersonal it feels.
I can't believe I have to drop everything and go see him.
I was gonna watch Million Dollar Listing.
Maybe have a cookie.
You know, it's your own fault, jumping through hoops for your boss.
You should be the boss.
There are lots of things I should be, mom.
The boss, President, orphaned.
When I was your age, I had my own business.
I started that mattress company with only two mattresses.
I dragged them door to door.
Across the plains in the dead of winter.
And when the Indians attacked,
you drew the mattresses in a circle to protect the homesteaders.
I'm just saying, I had the killer instinct, and that's what you need.
Well, I'd love to talk more about this, but I gotta go.
Ellie, show grandma how to use her phone.
It responds to warmth, so good luck.
♪
Thank you all for coming.
The reason I called this meeting is, well, it's a long story.
I ordered some soup, and the end of it is...
I accidentally killed the room service guy.
Oh, my God!
Now I need your help getting rid of the body.
You are crazy! You are a crazy, screwed-up man, and now there's death!
And we're accessories.
You've accessorized us.
That's not helpful. Anyone else? Hunter?
I wanna go home.
Swing and a miss.
We could remove the body in two suitcases
or dissolve it with lye in the bathtub and take him out in coffee cans.
Actually, he's not dead.
This was just an exercise to see how well you all worked together as a team.
Paulo Fernandez, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, Paulo.
Tonight you all failed me. Except for you, Jerry. Check-plus.
You may all go.
Not you, Sean.
Oh, this close to being out the door, in a cab, and home in bed with my cookie.
Sean, starting tomorrow you had better whip your team into a more cohesive unit.
The next time I challenge them...
And there will be a next time...
They had better be ready.
Since we're in online retail and not Black Ops.
Maybe next time you could just see how many braided rugs we can sell.
Braided rug.
That woulda been a great way to get a body out of here.
I shouldn't have to do your work for you, Sean.
Ah, you're late, Consuela. We went another way.
I come back.
How'd you get them to do this? I once stayed here.
I couldn't even get an extra hand towel.
Hey, I'm writing the copy for the new kitchenware page...
What's a fresh way to describe an ice cream maker?
How about, "make frozen treats as cold as a corpse on a hotel bathroom floor"?
I know. That whole thing freaked me out too.
So last night after murder time...
Max ordered me to make us all into a better team.
But last time I checked, sales are up.
We are a good team.
We're just not good at cadaver dismemberment.
Which I feel speaks well for us.
You know what, I've been thinking about this, and I talked to some people.
What Max did last night is not normal behavior.
I don't know why he's acting this way, but it's wrong.
Where are you going?
Well, since I'm the supervisor, I'm gonna go tell him he has to stop.
Unless someone else wants to do it?
No? Might be fun. Come on. Nobody's coming?
Great, you'll stay? Terrific.
Sometimes he has candy on this desk.
Oh, candy, chocolate. No? Great.
- Max, we have to talk. - Silence, worker!
You let your employees just barge into your office anytime they like?
Oh, rest assured, father. This man will be disciplined.
No lunch!
And when you get home tonight, no dinner.
- And the following morning... - Sir, I know where you're going.
I was going to say you could have a light breakfast.
Hi, I'm Sean Harrison, and suddenly I feel under-mustached.
You both have mustaches, and I don't.
This is my father.
Lee Thompson.
Wow, Sir, nice to meet you.
That is a hard grip.
I never make time to get my hand crushed, so this is a treat.
Sean here runs my Internet Sales Division.
Isn't this company only Internet Sales?
Yes.
So you're saying Sean runs this company, not you?
No. Stop trying to run my company. Light breakfast revoked.
Okay, just so everyone's clear.
I'm probably just gonna eat when I'm hungry.
I need to make a call.
I'm gonna buy an oil field while you sell scented candles to women.
Sean, we need a line of manly candles.
Things that smell like alligators and napalm.
Wow, so that's your dad?
He couldn't have been easy to grow up with.
Everything he did made me the man I am today.
Oh, I am 100% sure of that.
I forgot my phone.
And you tell your underlings that they're gonna be working all weekend.
All weekend? Seriously? Why?
Because that's exactly the kind of company I'm running. Now begone.
Did you hear me say "begone," father? It's an intimidating word. Begone!
How'd it go?
Did you set him straight?
I went in there, I put my foot down, and we're all working this weekend.
Nobody follow me!
What did you do, Sean?
You mean before or after I said, "nobody follow me"?
Your journey to Max's office was decided unfruitful.
The Hobbit came back with more, Sean.
He came back with a ring and a purpose in life.
And no one else in the shire had to work that weekend.
I recently saw The Hobbit.
Here's the deal. Max's father is in town.
He's very domineering, and Max is desperate for his approval.
But the guy gives him nothing, and that's why he's acting so crazy.
You were in his office for two minutes.
How can you be so sure this whole problem is because he has a critical parent?
Hmm, I hate that shirt on you.
I stopped by for an early lunch, but, let me guess, you can't leave early.
You could if you were the boss, but you're not.
I need an aspirin. Where are the aspirins?
You don't know.
I withdraw the question.
So what are you gonna do about Max?
Yeah, because I cannot work this weekend.
My band has a huge show.
We're playing the finish line at the Lakeshore Fun Run.
And I have a date with that lawyer.
I'm meeting his kids, and I need to make them like me,
which isn't going to be easy because one of them is older than me.
Maybe we won't have to work. If I can get Max's dad to give him his approval,
maybe Max will stop being crazy-ass crazy.
And just go back to being regular-ass crazy.
But what if you can't pull that off?
Then I'll need at least one of you to work this weekend.
You guys can decide who. Good luck. Don't follow me!
Hunter, please cover this weekend.
I've billed a lot of hours with this lawyer.
Look, sorry, Liz. I've got a gig.
- But my date's more important. - Says who?
Come on, Hunter. Where's your band really going?
I don't know. Places.
Where's your date really going?
Besides to the bathroom a lot, because he's super old.
He is 51.
His prostate is impeccable, and if you don't cover for me
the next time you have a gig I won't go.
Which means your mom's gonna be the only woman there.
You are lucky we're not in Mordor, because I would push you into Mount Doom.
Your band sucks!
Elderly boyfriend!
Hobbit nerd!
Look at you.
You're like my yacht, pretty and could use a good shellacking.
I see you're not wearing a wedding ring.
Sadly, I'm also not wearing a rape whistle.
I'm Lee, Max's father.
How about we grab a couple of steaks this Friday
and work them off in my hotel room?
I'm sorry, that thought just made me throw up in my mouth.
I've got some mints in my pants pocket,
if you wanna reach down and fish 'em out.
Here, I'll pick you up at 7:00.
Give me your address.
Oh, my goodness, you're so charming.
Quick, give me the pen before I lose you.
Oh, no. Mr. Thompson, do you have a moment?
This isn't your address.
This is a drawing of a man with his head lodged in his rectum.
Yes. Go there and wait for me.
I presume you know the way.
I am so sorry about that, Sir.
Who was that woman?
That, uh, was Mrs. Krushank.
She works in accounting. I'll have her fired.
- Fire Krushank immediately. - Who?
Don't defend her. Just go.
Uh, Mr. Thompson, since your son bought this company,
he has been doing a terrific job.
And it would really help us all out
if you could give him a few words of encouragement, like "way to go, Champ."
Or "I don't hate you".
Tiger".
What's in it for me?
Knowing your son feels respected and loved?
Eh.
Get me a date with Mrs. Krushank.
Mrs. Krushank? Sir, you can do a lot better than that.
She's very critical. And if you happen to tear your scrotum she'll say,
"it's your own fault. I told you not to run."
Have Krushank perfumed and brought to my tent.
You do that, I'll blow some smoke up my boy's ass.
- Sir, there's no way I can do that... - Workers!
There will be another team building exercise at lunch.
We are going to invade and occupy the Wetzel's Pretzels across the street.
I'll get you that date.
Hunter, re-hire Mrs. Krushank.
- Who? - Stop questioning me.
And those bars in the corner tell you how many phone calls you have left.
Oh, good, you're here. I have to talk to you.
Well, I have to talk to you too.
Ellie's teaching me how to use this phone,
but I think she's making things up just to confuse me.
I still can't find these Orps you're talking about.
That's because you're not in Floogle mode.
I don't understand a word she's saying.
Look, it's either me or Ellie, and I hope it's Ellie
because I'm taking fish oil like a crazy person.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, come here.
So...
I know we all enjoy messing with grandma's head.
In a dream once, I played soccer with it.
But what's your angle, lady?
She already calls me three times a day.
Dad, I love her, but can you imagine if she learns how to text or, my God, Instagram?
She'll want to follow me and make comments and ask me about Zack.
- Zack? Who's Zack? What happened to Eric? - I'm over Eric.
All right, you gotta tell me this stuff.
I'm still playing Words With Friends with the guy.
I didn't wanna tell you. It's embarrassing.
You're embarrassed? He's winning.
All right, I gotta talk to grandma. Begone.
So, mom, uh...
You know how you always say I don't have the killer instinct to be successful?
What if I pimped you out to a despicable man for my own personal gain?
Keep talking.
I need Max's dad to praise him so Max will feel validated.
And the only way his dad will do that is if I get him a date with you.
What's in it for me?
Knowing the appreciation and gratitude your son would feel?
Eh.
I'll do it if you teach me how to use this phone.
Huh, you and Ellie are always Facetubing and Textagraming, and I'm out of the loop.
I wanna be in the loop.
Fine. Deal.
So for the date, your name is Mrs. Krushank.
Don't ask. You work in accounting.
And, wait, there was one more thing I told him.
You know what, you wouldn't be in this mess if you were your own boss.
Oh, that's right, you're critical.
Hunter, it's 7:00 did you and Liz finish that copy for the kitchenware page?
Can't say that we did, Sean.
We had a fight about who's gonna work this weekend,
and now the wheels have come off the relationship.
So you didn't make any progress at all?
Progress implies movement, Sean.
And for movement, you need wheels.
And as I mentioned, the wheels have come off.
So without using the words "wheels" or "come off"...
Do you know where Liz is right now?
I do not, because the round things that enable movement have detached.
All right, fine, I'll find her myself.
I'll just follow the scent of hurt feelings and Katy Perry perfume.
She's over this way. Come on.
- Hunter. - Elizabeth.
Sean, Jeff, what's-her-face, cute temp.
Now we're all up to speed.
Look, I have had my mother oiled, scented, and delivered like a pork roast
to Lee's tent so I could restore some harmony around here.
The least you two can do is get along
and figure out a way to describe an ice cream maker.
You know, this is all your fault, Sean.
You're the one who pitted us against each other.
Yeah, you should pick who has to work this weekend.
What has a better chance at success, Hunter's band or my love life?
Uh... don't follow me.
This just came for Max, but he doesn't know.
- Can I keep it? - No.
- Do you guys wanna party? - Go home, Jerry.
Oh, this is perfect. It's a gift from Max's dad.
Finally, this is the thing that's gonna get us out of working this weekend.
Which is great because I have an Iron Man triathlon.
I'm gonna watch all three Iron Man movies in a row.
I'm sorry I said that stuff about your band.
I'm sorry I said all that stuff about your date.
Hey, let's promise to never let the truth come between us again.
Yeah, we both said some things we really meant.
Max.
Look what came for you. It's a gift from Lee.
Daddy.
I bet you it's something wonderful that says his main man is doing a great job.
It's a mug.
He gave me a mug.
Whoa!
All the way from Singapore!
Your dad must really love you.
It's time for a drink. Sean, have you ever had a 40-year-old scotch?
No.
Well, that tradition continues.
Because this is way too expensive to share.
For you, some crap the janitor threw at me after I fired him.
Believe me, I know what it's like to have a hard-to-please parent.
My mom was in labor with me for 20 hours.
She claims it took that long because I wasn't applying myself.
That's nothing. My father had a shredder for work of mine that wasn't up to snuff.
He even shredded my second-place fencing trophy, marble base and all.
Come to think of it, maybe that wasn't a shredder.
What was that machine?
You need to stop trying to impress your father.
How dare you?
Go on.
You're never gonna get his approval.
And I'm never gonna get it from my mother either.
We need to stop trying to impress our parents like we're children.
Yes!
My mom is always saying, "you don't know, you don't know."
But I do know! I know plenty, and so do you.
You are right.
I'm gonna go and confront my father right now.
I'm gonna go confront my mom.
Oh, wait, I can't.
He's on a date with some accountant named Krushank.
That's my mom.
I thought Krushank sounded made-up.
I had to bribe your dad with a date with her so he'd give you his approval.
You offered up your mother's female gift.
And all I got was a lousy mug.
My mother's female gift?
Those are terrible words.
You have shown me more loyalty than my own father.
By my mustache, I will have vengeance!
Would you like to start with an appetizer?
Yes, I'd like three Kobe steaks.
Don't cook them. I wanna take them home, put them in the freezer.
We need more time.
Call me old-fashioned,
but when I'm with a lovely woman I like to pay her a compliment.
I will not be needing my erection pill tonight.
Be still, my beating heart.
Seriously, heart, be still. I want to die.
- Okay, there they are. - All right, it's go time.
They need to realize we don't need their approval.
We're not some sniveling kids. We're men.
Yes, I've been waiting my entire life for this.
- Here, quick shot of courage. - Ah, yes.
That was salad dressing.
Sean, what are you doing here?
We have something we'd like to say to both of you.
I will go first.
Sure, he gets to go first, because he's the boss.
You know what, actually I'll go first.
I may not be the boss of my own company!
But five years ago when I started at Pembertonroad,
that place was struggling, and I turned it around.
I am proud of the work I do.
And I'm not some eight-year-old boy who needs his Mommy's approval.
But I'd really like to get it.
I do many good things, and you are so critical all the time.
The janitor's scotch is mixing with the salad dressing.
It's making me very emotional.
But the point is I am a grown man!
And you need to be nicer to me.
Your turn.
Father.
This man is drunk.
Thank you for the mug.
What?
Max, I never thought you were much of a man,
but at least you're strong enough to keep your emotions in check
the way I've always taught you.
Good job, son.
"Good job, son"?
Daddy?
Oh, I did it.
I sent a text.
This wasn't so hard to learn.
We've been at it for six hours.
I've eaten two meals since we started.
Actually, I understood it ten minutes in, but it's nice to spend time with you.
Grandma, you don't have to text me. I'm in the next room.
Your daddy just showed me how to use Facebook.
So who's Zack?
I like him. He's one of my friends now.
Grandma, no!
No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just messing with you, sweetheart.
Oh, my God, I'm shaking.
I just saw my social media life flash before my eyes.
So I went on your website.
It's very beautiful.
Informative.
Well done. Perfect in every way.
Just like you.
What is this?
You trying to give me your approval?
Of course I approve of you.
I love you.
You're my son.
I love that little face, so much I could just freaking eat it.
That what you want?
Well, I thought I did.
But the niceness, it burns.
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