_
Alphonse: Oh, no! Rope!
[ Winces ] Alphonse Bearwalker...
I believe this belongs to me.
I should've known you weren't a stable
boy when I saw you milking that horse.
Alphonse: That's right. I'm NTSF:SD:SUV::.
San Diego police?
[ Laughs, snorts ] There won't
even be a San Diego in 48 hours.
You see, my plan is about to begin.
Alphonse: A reverse
revolution? We're gonna take
back what belongs to us.
The redcoats are coming...Back!
Diego! ♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Oh, hi, Daisy. How are you? Trent: What
the hell are we doing on the border?
I don't know. Let's turn this thing on already.
I'm sweating my balls off. [ Whirring
] Kove: Greetings, everyone.
I'm sorry I can't be with you right now, but
I'm at a family friend's Bat Mitzvah...
which I couldn't get out of. I have some dire news.
It's been 12 hours since the
STSF:UK:DDV:: Lost contact with Alphonse while
he was on assignment in little britain.
After years of negotiation, Little Britain is
giving up its autonomy and turning itself over
to greater San Diego. Unfortunately, there
are some rabble-rousers out there who
want to stop us. They just hate San Diego.
Piper: How could anyone hate
San Diego? I mean, our college bar
scene is unmatched, and our chicken
mascot is the envy of all of major league baseball.
Kove: Your job is to find
Alphonse and find out why
he was captured. Finally.
I'll get a chance to do my American accent.
Trent: Wait. What?
Oh, see, little britains hate scots, and
since I can't do a British accent for ....
[American accent] I'll have to be Daisy from Rhode Island.
I love guns, drinking terrible
beer, and there's a 50% chance I'll develop
type-2 diabetes by the time I'm 25.
Kove: Oh, and since you are technically leaving
San Diego, this will count against your
vacation days. Piper: What?
No. That's a good call.
Sam: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
My shift went long at the food
co-op. Take him with you in
case someone needs to get shot.
We must preserve reunification day!
Kove: Help us, NTSF.
You're our only hope.
[ Cheers and applause ] Mazel tov!
Oh, I'm sorry. I've got to go. SAM will self destruct after this message.
- Wait. What? Trent: - Looks like
little britain is about to be UKO'd.
Piper: Wow! It looks just like London!
Big Ben looks amazing!
Trent: I've seen better statues at legoland.
Hey. Chaplain.
- Got any pretty polly? Sam: - I knew
we should've taken rosetta stone.
Oi! What we got here-- bunch of tourists?
Yeah, you foreign [Clock chiming] tossers.
How 'bout I take this cricket
bat and smash you on your [Chime]
head, you bunch of wankers?!
How 'bout I kick you in the [Chime] and
put you on the floor, and kick you in the
[chime] Teeth till your [Chime]
eyes fall out?! What now, yo?!
Sam: I know exactly what to do.
Piper: Damn it, Sam!
Step away from the Diegans. Who are you?
Stsf:Uk:Ddb::.
Socialized terrorism strike force:
United Kingdom: Double-Decker bus::...
For short. Let me deduce. The
heel of your front foot is
partially off the ground, indicating the weight
is on your rear foot, making you vulnerable
to attack. [ Laughs ] Swift like the panther.
I studied wing chun in Burma, which allows me
to use your own force against you, allowing me
to fell my opponent... Piper: Ohh!
...And bowl him with a
googly. [ Whimpering, yelps ] Thank you, Graham.
Welcome to little britain, mates.
This is a brain trust of our counter-terrorism
and security organization, where all the big
decisions are made. Exactly!
So, darjeeling or Earl grey?
Trent: Tea? No, thank you. I
prefer my hot water unflavored.
The name's lockheed. Just to warn
you, I'm extremely intelligent.
So it'll be very difficult for you to keep up with me.
Trent: But you didn't do
anything. Look again. Trent: Yeah-- nothing.
Making every face of the cube the same color is easy.
Creating a pattern such as that
can only be accomplished by an
incredible mind. Attention!
Greetings, NTSF. I'm the prime
minister of the royal Navy.
Let me introduce you to my current headache.
Sir Alfred corningham.
Trent: [ Scoffs ] What's with the painting?
Can't afford a hologram?
Holograms? How uncivilized. We're not coal miners.
My mother was a coal miner.
Intelligence suggests corningham
plans to sabotage reunification day.
If my hunch is correct, and it always is, I
believe he's the man who's appropriated your
agent. The question is, how do they relate?
Now, we've managed to get you two ladies
an audience at corningham's manor.
Once inside the grounds, you can search
for your man. Piper: Ooh, a manor!
I've always fancied the idea of being an
aristocrat-- nodding at the poor and marrying a
cousin for money. Actually, you'll
be posing as Daisy's servant.
But before we go any further, I'm going to
have to ask you to surrender your guns.
Trent: Without guns, we'll be like sitting ducks--
you know, the kind of ducks without guns.
We use verbal bullets here. They won't kill
you, but they will wound you for a lifetime.
I didn't realize I had a gun! Piper: Whoa, whoa.
We'll be in contact with your
office in San Diego, keeping them abreast
of all the details as we get them.
Piper: I mean, with Alphonse gone and the three
of us over here in little britain, who's
left at NTSF? Trent: Well, Kove,
the POTN, and Reggie, the SUV
mechanic. Love that guy. Ding-dong!
I'm just kidding. I know there's no doorbell here.
Hey, uh, is now a bad time?
Yeah, it's the worst time possible!
All hell's breaking loose!
Hmm. Well, I noticed that you
were short on some agents, and I
thought maybe I could offer my services in
any agent-type duties that you might need.
You can start off by issuing me a gun.
That's not a bad idea--
Kove: No! Uh, no! Fine. Yeah.
We can take care of the gun some other time.
Uh, all right.
Well, I'm off to lunch. I'm-a take the robot out.
Whoa-oh-oh! Robots don't eat!
What are you talking about? It's camaraderie.
We're coworkers.
Are you having sex with the robot, Reggie?
Is that a crime?
Kove: No, it's not a crime. Thank you.
Oi, guv, spare us a shilling. [ Groans ] Oi!
Whoa, there, boy! There's no place
for street urchins 'round here.
Go and pickpocket somewhere else or end up
in a debtor's prison. Sam: Hey, I'm not a
pickpocket. Well, if you're not
an abandoned orphan, why are you
dressing like that? Sam:
This-- these are nice clothes.
He should be in school, and he's
stealing our umbrellas! Lynch him!
Sally forth! Sam: Sorry. What?
Where are we going?
After those two young boys! I'm ashamed to
admit that we hadn't realized his grace had an
American cousin suitable for marriage, until
we received your e-mail this morning by horse.
You betcha! I'm Dolly Lee Washington.
I'm obviously the American
cousin from epcot, U.S.A.! Whoo!
And this is my servant girl.
Piper: [ British accent ] My name's
Blair-- Blair Thatcher. And I'm from
shire-on-the-thames. Enough, Blair.
Servants aren't to look
aristocracy in the eye. Robinson.
You didn't tell me that two
great beauties were joining us at the manor.
Would you care for something to
drink? Oh, don't bother with her.
She's just my worthless
lady-servant. I will take a tall
glass of high-fructose corn syrup.
[ Chuckles ] And you, miss?
Piper: Oi, I'll, uh, just
take a cup of mud. It's all that's
fit for a toilet person like me.
Wonderful. Robinson. Uh,
would you please fetch their
beverages? Yes. Shall I show you the grounds?
Heck yeah! [ Chuckles ] Servant
girl, grab and unpack my
luggage. And be careful.
It's filled with my finest
American jorts and novelty t-shirts. [ Giggles ]
Piper: She thinks she's so much
better than us downstairs girls.
Trent: [ Chuckles ] I love these guys.
Whatever you do, they can't
move. They can't blink. Watch. [ Yells ]
[ Chuckles ] He's great. He's dead.
Trent: All right. His wallet is intact.
But his keys are missing.
This is no ordinary mugging. Something
larger is at stake. But what?
Agent Trent, what's your assessment?
Trent: He was...Doing
something, and he was somewhere. Then he came here.
And then someone or something
killed him. Right. Well...Moving on.
I searched the area around the scene
and found this. It's a beer mat--
comes from a pub called the itchy quail.
It's got a spot of blood on it.
Never mind that. We're going to the
itchy quail to look for clues.
Come on, Trent. Come on! Quickly!
Sam: I'm not an orphan!
These are regular clothes made of repurposed hemp!
Ooh, what have we here?
A new recruit. Well done, Timothy.
Let's have a look at this...
Young lad. Sam: Uh, I'm not young.
You maybe have 5 years on me.
I'm not looking to be touched or whatever goes on here.
If you want to join our merry
band, you're gonna have to learn how
to pick pockets... Sam: Hey, man.
...and sing songs about your
poverty-filled life. [ All vocalize ]
[ Vocalizes ] Made me forget the words now!
So, let me get this straight. This
whole, big-ass place is all yours?
Alas, yes. What's the use, if
there's no one to share it with?
Ms. Washington, uh, would you like to
see the library? Our collection is most
impressive. Oh, I'd love that.
As an American, I don't normally
see any books. Delightful.
Uh, well, if you go inside,
across the hall, turn right, up the stairs two
flights, then down three more corridors, and
it's the second door on your left.
W-- you're not coming?
No. Okay.
Finally, we're alone! Come with me.
Piper: Milord, are you mad?
I can't stop thinking about you.
Piper: Must be out of your
head, milord. I'm just a servant, a bit
of excrement in human form, like a
dance mom on the telly show "dance
moms." I have something for you.
Piper: What? [ Gasps ] I
never held anything so nice.
Alphonse? The-- the designer.
Uh, Alphonse...Alphonse.
Sir, the item you requested
has been received. Excellent!
There's something I really must attend to. Madam.
Piper: [ Normal voice ] Kove, it's Piper.
I have some shocking
information. Daisy's in love with
corningham, and corningham isn't in love
with Daisy. Corningham is in love with
me, even though I'm a servant girl.
And I just heard from downstairs that the footman
impregnated the kitchen maid, and now the valet
knows about it, and he's gonna hang it over their heads.
Oh, also, Alphonse is probably
dead. Kove: [ Gasps ] Oh, it can't be!
My dear Alphonse! Prized agent,
proud Alaskan... My secret lover.
[ Sobbing ]
What happened?
I must apologize for the kidnapping and the beatings.
Not very sporting of me, I'm
afraid. Have some water. Alphonse: [ Groans ]
We are nothing without our manners. Perfect.
Now that I have your DNA and fingerprints
all over this glass, I can continue with my
plan to frame you for the assassination
of the prime minister of the
royal Navy... Alphonse: What? ...Thus stopping
reunification day and keeping little britain sovereign.
Alphonse: That's why I never
drink water. Listen, I'm gonna escape
from this place, if it's the last
thing I do! Anna? Yes, sir.
I'm here to tend to your patient.
Alphonse: Actually, I might stay.
Now, let's see if Graham's clue can lead
to what I like to call...Information.
Trent: Yeah. We all call it that.
Death to San Diego!
We're locked in! It's a trap. Beer mat!
[ Both sigh ]
[ Groans ] Blimey. I thought we confiscated your
gun. Trent: Yeah. Well, I always keep a spare.
Now, this must all be connected.
We need to search the place
carefully and painstakingly for clues.
Trent: [ Growls ]
[ Whimpering ] Trent: Who killed the guard?!
Who set us up?!
Here you go, Mr. fish and chips. [
Screaming ] Trent: Why are your
TV seasons so short?! Tell me! Tell me!
God, man! What are you doing?
Trent: In San Diego, clues are what
we get when we torture people.
[ Crying ] Trent: You better call
the cops, 'cause I just committed
assault and vinegar. [
Screaming ] All right, Sam.
Let's see what you got.
[ Bell jingles ] [ Sighs ]
[ Bell jingles ]
[ Bells jingling ] Sam: Damn it.
I have huge hands.
Stealing isn't about the size of your hands.
It's about the size of your
heart. Sam: Honestly, I'm pretty
sure it's-- it's about the size
of the hands. How big are my hands...Sam?
Sam: What? How'd you do that?
You look like you're healing nicely.
Alphonse: It's my Alaskan
heritage. We have special skills when
it comes to healing and spotting
fake rolexes. Whoa, cheeky. What are you doing?
I'm tending to your wounds, even the emotional ones.
Lay with me, Alphonse.
But first, um... Do you have
any strains of hepatitis?
Alphonse: It's pronounced "herpes," and no.
I'm in love.
Piper: Daisy. Daisy. Corningham definitely
captured and probably killed Alphonse.
He gave me this necklace. Why do
you have to rub it in my face?
He likes you better. Congratulations.
And I saw you two strolling
through the garden together, brimming
with suppressed sexual tension.
Piper: I know. And it was one of
the most magical moments I've ever
experienced. But he's still a bad
guy that we need to take down.
Not so fast, Ms. Washington. Piper: Robinson?
You think I'm just the
Butler. But, actually, I'm corningham's
co-conspirator, and I'll protect
his plan to stop reunification at all costs,
even if it means the accidental killing of a
silly American and her incredibly fit servant.
Incredibly fit servant?
What about me? Look at these legs! [ Groans ]
Piper: Looks like he just fell on his butt...Ler.
Right. There's your chap. Time
to put it to the test, my lad.
Believe in yourself, and you can steal anything.
Sam: No one's ever believed
in me before... Or lent me clothes.
Thank you, sagan.
I really feel like I'm part of a family.
You are, my lad.
You are.
Oi! You, there! Pickpockets
aren't welcome 'round here!
What the hell? Sam: Please!
Hell, I'm not an orphan!
Please stop! I'm not an orphan! Sirs, I'm not
a pickpocket. Oh, I suppose you do need a
bigger heart.
Now, let the interrogation begin.
Blinking heck, me cup of
tea's empty. Oh. I do beg your pardon.
A thousand apologies.
Have you got sweeteners? Sorry. No. [ Groans ]
Now, are you or are you not part of a
plot conspiring against the crown?
No. Ah! He won't budge. This is useless.
You're a tosser, you are. Getting
him to talk is like pulling teeth.
You two take a break. I'm gonna keep at it.
Fancy a pint?
Trent: Sure.
What's taking him so bloody long?
This your friend?
Trent: Hey, you found what's-his-name.
I caught him nicking wallets.
Sam: I told you. I somehow got recruited
to be an orphan pickpocket and just sort
of immediately went along with it, probably
'cause my sister always made fun of me, and you
guys don't really make me feel like
I'm part of a fam-- ooh. Thank you.
[ Muffled screaming ] I found out the plan.
Turns out, it was like pulling
teeth. [ Both laugh ] Trent: That's great.
You learned how to torture and the
art of the pun. I'm proud of you.
Now, what's the plan? Robinson killed
the guard to steal his apartment key so
corningham could have the perfect vantage point
from which to assassinate the prime minster
of the royal Navy. We need
to keep you away from there.
No. I shall give my speech.
Reunification is too important.
And if I'm not dead at the end of
it, I'll know you've done your job.
Now, I have a speech to give, and I'm
late as it is. Oh, just a minute.
[ Exhales ] Good day.
Trent: Daisy, Piper, you cover the p.M.O.T.R.N.
Sam, you come with us in case we
need a target to draw gunfire. Let's go.
[ Applause ]
Greetings, everyone. Uh, just a heads-up--
I might be assassinated at some point
during this speech, so we'll designate those
first few rows there as the splash zone.
Trent: Corningham! Oh, for goodness'
sake, you San Diegans are becoming quite
troublesome. How did you decipher my plan?
Trent: Elementary, my dear
corningham. Elementary. And
a little bit of torture.
Mostly torture. It's too late now, anyway.
All I have to do is pull the
trigger, and the prime minister of the royal
Navy is dead, and reunification is doomed.
Sam: Uh, hello? We have you surrounded.
The jig is up.
You're alone up here. [ Gun
cocks ] Oh, no, he isn't.
Drop it. And I'm not sharing it with San Diego.
It all makes sense. The beer mat you
found-- you planted it to set us up to be
ambushed. That's right.
'Cause I'm not standing by as
little britain's colonized by a
bunch of beer pong-playing surfers.
What's wrong with beer pong? It's just
like snooker, except the balls get wet!
Don't bite me! Blimey.
[ Grunting ] Trent: It's called soccer.
But it looks like I...Socked
him. Trent, look! Trent: Corningham, freeze!
God save little britain! [ Gun clicking ] What?
[ Whimpering ] Sam: Might be
hard to shoot without bullets.
Not bad for a guy with huge, weird hands.
Piper: Corningham!
Corningham! Wait. Hello.
Piper: Hi. How dare you say no to
this prime cut of American beef?
[ Screaming ] Now, for the
first time in 200 years--
[ crash ] [ Crowd gasps ]
Piper: Well, I guess it's like William Shakespeare
always says-- hell hath no fury like a
woman scorned. And as Tyler Perry
says, never make a black woman take
♪
let little britain and greater
San Diego be joined as one.
Gnarly key, British dude. [ Chuckles ] Wonderful.
I didn't get assassinated. Kove: Finally,
the plantar's wart of little britain
has been frozen off the foot of San Diego.
Now every San diegan can
drive on the right side of the road, the
way God intended. But at what cost?
We think just because we're Americans, we can
barge into a foreign land and tell people how
to live their lives using force, destroying cultures?
An eye for an eye leaves the
world blind. But in the world of the
blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Wow. Thank you for saying that.
You know, I think we could
really use someone like you... To go down to the
garage and put some bumper nuts on my truck.
Have you guys seen this? They're like balls,
but you put them on your bumper, so it makes
your truck look like it actually has nuts!
[ Laughter ]
These big, fat nuts! I can put a
dong on your hood as an ornament.
Oh! Now, that's American! All: Cheers.
Piper: We did it.
So, the sun finally sets on the
little British empire. [ Sighs ]
I feel a kinship with you, Trent.
In a different world, perhaps
you and I could've been friends or lovers.
No. Just friends.
Let's stick with that. Trent: Where--
where the hell are my sunglasses?
Sam: These? Trent: [ Sighs ]
Sam: Big hands, small heart
works for me. Piper: Sam, don't be a dick.
It's such a shame Alphonse
had to die. Trent: Wait a second.
Refresh my memory.
Who's Alphonse?
Alphonse: [ Grunts ] Anna?
To my dearest Alphonse, I
must confess I've only been
tending to you so I could drug
you, steal your organs, and sell
them to the Cambodian herbal medicine industry.
However, you will always be in
my thoughts...Because of the
money I've made via selling your innards.
P.S. I'm a dude. Alphonse: Ohh, bollocks!
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