Oh! I'm so exhausted.
Today on the treadmill,
I actually fell asleep for a quarter mile.
You were talking in your sleep again last night.
Yeah, it's these new meds. Why can't they have cool side effects?
- What would be a cool side effect? - I don't know. Anything Aquaman does.
[laughs]
Oh, you're wearing that t-shirt.
I thought you were gonna swap it out for a nightie,
- something tight. - That's so complicated.
It's hard tell what's the front and what's the back,
where everything is so clear about this shirt.
My head goes here; my arms go here...
And you wipe your hands here, which is hot.
Clean hands are hot.
- Parents, we need to talk. - Talk or knock?
I have someone coming over tomorrow, and not that it should matter,
but this someone happens to be a lesbian.
Reese is new at school, and she needs me as a friend.
I'm kind of known for having a diverse crew
that doesn't pigeonhole people,
unlike the jocks, the drama nerds, the mean girls,
the freaks with the weird...
I really don't want you guys to blow this for me.
- So that means no lesbian jokes. - I don't think I know a lesbian joke.
I know one lesbian joke, but I don't get it.
Well, I know, let's get eve's lesbian friend to explain it to us.
Are you guys online? I can't seem to get on the internet.
Yeah, we're downloading Quicken.
Ha-ha-ha-ha, great computer joke. Somebody call Dilbert.
It's like, I don't even know why I come in here.
- Neither do I. - What?
Get out now.
This door is locked. No one comes in or out.
It's just I'm fading fast. So how about just top stuff.
I'll take it.
- How's this? - [laughs] Stop tickling my feet.
I'm nowhere near your feet, honey.
- What's "top stuff?" - I honestly don't even know anymore.
Okay, that's it. We're officially out of kids.
[sighs]
[muffled voice]
Oh, come on.
The upstairs neighbor thinks we want to hear his TV again.
Okay, I'm gonna go up there.
Probably some old guy with a hearing aid.
He'll recognize me from the news, I'll sign an autograph,
and then I'll be right back down... and you're asleep.
I bet this never happens to Aquaman.
Excuse me.
- Oh, sorry... uh... - Oh.
Uh... you're not an old man.
1x02 - Neighbour
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~
- What exactly are we doing here? - I'm your downstairs neighbor.
- Oh, hey. - So first of all...
welcome to the building. Lovely to have you.
Second of all, and this is dumb and so stupid.
I feel funny even mentioning it,
- but your TV is just a skosh loud... - Oh, my god.
Oh, okay. You know what? I'm gonna turn it down.
Come on in.
- Okay, I'm allowed to do this. - I had it turned up
because I was baking cookies in the kitchen.
I've gotten back into baking since my divorce.
My ex didn't like cookies.
Actually, the only thing he hated more than cookies
was not sleeping with baristas.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. I'm Kelly, by the way.
- Do I know you from somewhere? - Does this ring a bell?
Stay informed, New York.
- No. - I'm Mike Henry.
I'm a newscaster, Channel 4... television.
I know where I know you from.
I used to see you at the starbucks on 86th street.
You're the guy with those piercing blue eyes.
Well, I don't know if they pierce. They, uh... maybe poke a little.
[laughs]
- You're funny too. - Oh, well... I should...
I should probably hit the old hallway.
Oh, wait. You know what? Before you go, I need a taster.
Now, I might have gone a little bit heavy with the vanilla,
and I definitely forgot to turn on the oven.
Okay, I'm a mess.
You know what? Just lick this.
[quirky upbeat music]
Oh, wow. That's chocolate chip, right?
I mean, I didn't get one, but-but-but I...
I can taste them. That's... that all checks out.
I-I-I should go. Um, thank you.
Stay informed.
Those are good.
Ugh, I'm so behind on this article for Us Weekly.
If it was called "Us Monthly," I'd have more time.
- Us Monthly? Is that a new magazine? - What? No.
- Are you even listening? - Crunchy? Swing and a miss, Mom.
Hey, that's a school lunch for my son who goes to school...
- Okay, where was I? - Uh... wrapping up.
I like talking to Annie, 'cause she's a good listener,
but I feel like she hasn't really been there for me since...
How old is Ian again?
I know you're too busy to hear my troubles.
I guess it's hard for you to imagine what it's like
to be a single woman freelancing in this dirty town
trying to laugh and love my way through my 30s.
Okay, Caroline in the City, I'm gonna give you that one
because you promised to watch Graham today.
Anything to get me away from this laptop.
Sandwiches for breakfast?
They're not for breakfast. They're not for you!
Really? We don't own one Melissa Etheridge CD?
Well, I guess it's Obama's America everywhere but here.
- We have two K.D. Lang CDs. - Who's he?
Oh, honey, you've got to do your research.
You have a lesbian coming over.
[car horn honks]
Oh, PB&J.
- Crunchy. - Okay, stop eating it.
Honey, thank you so much for getting the neighbor
to turn down his TV last night. What's he like?
Um, neighborly.
Just an average neighbor. Standard face and body.
She... and she was a "she", by the way.
She was otherwise totally forgettable.
Oh, crunchy. You did it again, honey.
- No sandwich? - We're out of bread.
Sweetie, that kid stuff's terrible.
Use mine sunscreen. It's French.
I don't know what the current exchange rate is,
but it's definitely worth it.
And it exploded everywhere.
There goes $33 to $45.
This day just keeps getting better.
It's okay. You've got a lot going on.
Thank you. I do have a lot going on.
I was just trying to explain this to my sister-in-law,
- but she doesn't get it. - Well, I think you are
doing the most important job in the world.
Well, it's definitely up there.
And I've done it with no help from anyone.
- Well, what about the boy's father? - Mike's no help.
He gives me zero support.
Single mothers are amazing. You're a hero.
Oh, no. I'm not a...
hero. I'm just doing what any other single mother would.
- But enough about me. - Don't be silly. We're here for you.
I do suppose I could vent a little.
If you don't mind turning off your cell phone,
I'd really appreciate it.
I don't know why people are so down on the WNBA.
- Are they? - No, and they shouldn't be.
I mean, I think it's even better than real basketball.
I mean, normal bask...
I mean, who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty guys anyway, right?
What happened to my leftover chick-fil-a?
I left it in the fridge.
Some super tolerant person probably threw it in the trash
because that company is all about hate.
Yeah, hating dry, flavorless chicken.
- 'Sup. I'm Ian. - Reese.
- Like the pieces. - Uh, he's supposed to be in college.
But I left to start up my own start... up.
- Like the social network. - Exactly.
Who do you want to play you in the movie?
Okay, time's up.
She's cute. What's her deal?
[whispering] Trust me. She's not interested.
I don't know. I was feeling a vibe.
Whoa, seriously, did you throw out my chick-fil-a?
Recently? Is it on the top?
Honey. We have the whole place to ourselves.
And I got us some coffee so we can stay awake.
Dark roast, if you know what I'm saying.
I can't stop thinkin about our neighbor.
You know, the plain, forgettable one?
Oh, wait, yeah, right, the one with the loud TV.
I feel bad, like we got off on the wrong foot.
And I was thinking I should go upstairs and apologize...
Hey, Mike.
But then she decided to come down here instead.
Coffee?
I should be going. I just wanted to drop these off.
Turns out that if you actually turn on the oven,
you get cookies. And the best part is,
you don't have to lick them off a spoon.
[laughs]
Great nonsense talk. Really silly stuff.
- Well... thanks for coming by. - It was so nice to meet you, Kelly.
You too. It'll be so awesome to have a nice,
- cool friend in the building. - Yeah.
Shame on Mike for not mentioning you.
Okay, good hang. Keep the TV down.
- Bye. - Bye.
Well, she looked different last night.
I mean, you know, the light in here must be very flattering,
which a credit to you, because you look great in any light.
Maybe you were so busy licking her spoon
that you couldn't get a good look.
That was a pity lick. She needed a win.
You know, if I didn't know any better,
I'd say that you have a little crush, Mike.
I don't have a crush.
Honestly, I had completely forgotten about her.
Oh, Kelly.
Kelly, no, we can't. It's wrong.
- Okay. - Okay, wait. Wake up.
- Mike, wake up. - Wh-what?
You hit me. Did you hit me?
You were talking in your sleep about Kelly.
Sounds like you put up quite a struggle...
right up until you immediately had sex with her.
You know, these meds give me crazy dreams.
I get it. She's cute, she's funny,
a bit of a heavy hand with the vanilla,
but just admit that you are attracted to her.
Well, I suppose if you were attracted to a guy,
you'd just put that out there?
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck,
the Wahlbergs, pretty much whole Boston scene.
- Okay, enough. - Mike, come on.
I just want you to be honest with me.
I am being honest with you.
I'm not attracted to Kelly.
Fine. You dream about whatever you
want to dream about, okay? I'm gonna get some sleep.
Oh, Annie...
Annie, you're so beautiful and sexy and smart.
- You're the whole package. - Okay, just so you know,
when you asleep, you don't shake.
And also, you don't talk like a ghost.
I can't hear yoooouu.
Ooooh.
So Mike had a sexy dream about another woman.
It just annoys me that Mike won't be honest.
If he were really being honest, he'd tell you to burn that shirt.
What does everybody have against this shirt?
I've seen you polish silver with that.
I'm just saying maybe you could step up your game a little.
You're right. I missed a spot.
[laughs]
So remember, we're going for an outfit that says,
"I'm cool with alternative lifestyles."
[knock at door]
So is the lovely Reese coming today?
I don't want to waste my Axe body spray on just family.
You're barking up the wrong tree. This tree is a lesbian.
If Reese is a lesbian, then I must be a pretty lady,
because she's definitely into me. So am I Axe-ing or not?
- Axe-ing. - Not.
I'm never bringing Reese back here.
This place is a minefield of embarrassment.
- We're going to JJ's funcade. - J to the Js.
Food and games. Love that place.
- Me too. - There's my little Graham cracker.
Red shoes, brown pants, and yellow sweater?
You trying to look like a hamburger?
I had such a good time watching you the other day, bud.
I told your folks I'd take you to the park again.
Okay, I just wanted to hang with those moms again.
It felt nice to be around people who appreciate what I do,
Even if it's just something I pretend to do.
- Let's go to JJ's funcade instead. - The park is nature's funcade.
- The park doesn't have prizes. - Well, that's where you're wrong.
If we go to the park, you win a soda.
I like soda. Can I drink it through a twizzler?
Half a twizzler.
I feel like I'd make a good mom.
And now just because I had a dream about her...
and didn't tell her I was married...
and licked a few spoons, Annie thinks I'm into her.
Women.
Always jumping to conclusions based on overwhelming evidence.
I got it. I got it. We'll double date.
I'll set you up with Kelly, and then Annie will know
that I don't find her attractive.
Oh, hold on. She's not attractive?
You're trying to set me up with a jacked-up woman?
Uh-uh. Oh, no.
Word gets around town that I've lowered my standards,
my stock drops, ladies go, "Sell. Sell on Harris."
That's just economics.
Trust me. She's sufficiently jacked. She's jacked exquisitely.
Just say you'll come to dinner.
Okay, but she better look good, because you see all this?
It's too big to fail.
You think they can tell we're not working?
Oh, my god. This place is ridiculous.
- You know what we should do? - Pity the living?
And... and we should tell the waiter that it's my birthday,
and then they'll have to do that lame song for me.
Is that your brother?
[whistles]
Ian, what are you doing here?
Oh, hey. Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd check out the old stomping grounds.
Hey, check out this old girl.
Wonder if she still dance, dances like she used to.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't do this.
I barely remember how to use this thing.
Or do I totally remember?
[frenetic music]
I'm so sorry. He's trying to show off
because he has a stupid crush on you.
That's okay. This is hilarious.
- Yeah, totally. - It's, like, is the machine telling me
what to do, or am I telling it?
I just want to get this us weekly article right,
because I'm going to be seeing it in my doctor's office
for the next year and a half.
Speaking of, does anyone else have a super judge-y gyno?
- Um, Leigh, is Graham okay? - I am forever!
He's fine. He just had a few sodas and a couple twizzlers.
Wow! That's a lot of sugar.
I feel like we're getting off track here.
I never give Duncan anything processed.
Pretty high almighty for a lady who named her son Duncan.
You guys have really changed.
Come on son, we're leaving.
[lower voice] Graham, that's you!
- Leigh, it's you! - Graham, slow down!
I'm not wearing the right bra for this!
- Have you seen Reese? - She's over there.
[together] ♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪
♪ from JJ's funcade crew ♪
♪ happy, happy birthday from all of us to you ♪
[laughs] Oh. Oh, god. You are awful.
We'd have a lot less dishes to do if you would just admit
that you have a crush on Kelly.
That's ridiculous. It's a legitimate double date.
They do seem to be hitting it off.
[laughter]
Yes, they do, don't they?
- That was our thing. - What?
Nothing.
- Oh. - Bread time.
Individual portions of bread that everyone can feed to themselves.
Oops, Parkinson's.
[groans]
What? Parkinson's.
Uh...
Why were you making out with Ian?
Oh, you saw that? I'm sorry. I know he's your brother, and...
Yeah, and... brothers are guys.
- You're a lesbian. - No, I'm not.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
But I heard that you kissed a girl at a party.
Yeah, I did, but only 'cause guys love that.
Hey, air swimmer clownfish.
- No bigs. - I can't believe this.
Let me get some more of that. Somehow yours just seems better.
So you guys have been friends forever.
Oh, yeah, ever since we started out down in Orlando.
Remember when we covered the... Governor's inauguration?
Yeah, Mike camped out in the Governor's office
and wouldn't leave until we got a quote.
And you got caught in the press room with that salsa dancer.
Or wait, no, that's wrong. It was a cocktail waitress.
- It's hard to remember, I'm sure. - Yeah, because there's been so many.
I was gonna say because it was such a long time ago.
Everybody does crazy things when they're young.
But I'm a gentleman now.
Well, I hope not too much of a gentleman.
Didn't that cocktail waitress turn out to be a gentleman
- in the end... and in the front? - What the hell are you doing?
Just trying to be accurate. Who wants to see my Emmys?
Don't get too excited. They're daytime Emmys.
Just trying to be accurate.
You're right, this place is better than the park.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have used you like I did.
I guess it just felt nice to get a little validation
out there, and look, i know there are harder things
- than writing a 200-word article. - 200? That's so many words.
Thank you. Finally someone in this family gets me.
You know, I'm going to start coming to you with my problems.
[groans] Would your son like a balloon?
Oh, he's not my son.
Oh, of course. You're too young to have a son his age.
Text your mom to pick you up.
- So how long have you worked here? - Oh, 13 years.
Here I am with the children of the Grand Popo tribe.
They wrote a song about me.
- Wow. That's amazing, Mike. - It's really not that amazing.
They sing that song to all the white people
to convince them to buy scarves.
- Still driving that $100,000 car, Harris? - Actually...
Yeah, I remember when he first got that car.
I remember thinking, "whoa, mid-life crisis comes early for Harris."
Well, actually, not that early.
You know, we might be friends, but I'll take you out.
- It's not that hard. - Oh, hey, it's Leigh.
I guess she wants us to pick up Graham at JJ's funcade.
Well, sorry, guys. I guess we've got to call it a night.
Well, Kelly and Harris don't have to call it a night.
- I'm not going to say no to a drink. - Oh, you are my kind of guy.
I know. Why don't we all go to JJ's?
And we can play a little skee-ball and get some nachos for the big fella.
- You better stop that. - You know, I think I better get going.
I have an early morning tomorrow. Do you want to walk me up upstairs?
Don't be silly. It's completely out of his way.
I'll walk you upstairs,
and Annie and I will drop Harris off at home on our way.
And then maybe we could stop by JJ's tomorrow.
- Mike, we need to pick up our son. - You're absolutely right, Annie.
You should take Kelly home and them come back
and man the nerve center, and Harris and I will go get Graham.
- I don't want to do that at all. - Here's an out-of-the-box idea.
Why doesn't nobody take Kelly home, 'cause she only lives
one floor up, and it's a safe building. And she'll be fine.
Isn't that right, Annie? Annie?
You know, I have some more spoons upstairs.
[both chuckling]
For the record, don't touch my belly.
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going upstairs
to make love with my shirt on.
Thank you for leaving me with that image.
Annie, it's Mike again. Are you still here?
'Cause I've been walking around for 20 minutes.
I'm a sweaty guy lurking around an arcade.
People are starting to think I'm a creep.
Hey! Are you leaving?
- Yeah. - You're seriously bailing?
- Is this because Reese is into me? - That is mystifying.
- Mm. - She just isn't who I thought she was.
Who cares? So Reese isn't a lesbian.
I'm sorry that's not a box you can check off
- on your list of friends. - I like having friends who are unique.
Yeah, so you can feel unique.
Why not just have friends because they're your friends?
Annie. Annie, I know you're here somewhere.
Look, you were right. I had a crush on Kelly.
- Is that Dad? - I'm afraid so.
She had these well-defined collarbones
that could hold water in the rain.
I didn't even know I was into that.
But I never should have...
[in garbled robotic voice] licked the spoon.
I got caught up in the moment.
Why do I sound like this? What's happening to me?
Am I a robot?
[in normal voice] Oh, that's better.
Where was I?
- Finished, hopefully. - Oh, wait. Annie, I'm sorry.
Look, I just got started, and I couldn't stop.
Mike, I don't even care about that.
I mean, the collarbone thing was weird, but what got into you tonight?
I'm sorry. I...
I just... it wasn't even that I had a crush on Kelly.
It was that Kelly had a crush on me.
It's just nice to know after all that's happened
- that women still find me attractive. - What about me?
- I think you're attractive. - Oh, well, that doesn't count.
I mean, what are you gonna do,
leave the beloved newsman with Parkinson's?
Okay, if that's what you're worried about,
I will leave you the minute your looks go.
I'd appreciate that. Thank you.
Look... hey, have you been wearing this all night?
You look amazing.
Yes, I've been trying to get you to notice all night.
If I told you you were beautiful every time you looked beautiful,
- I'd never have time for anything else. - That would be fine with me.
Sometimes in life, you get turned around
and forget who you really are.
Sorry I thought you were a lesbian.
That's okay. I thought you were too.
Oh, boss! Are you guys gonna kiss?!
Luckily, your family is there to remind you.
They're the ones who challenge you
and support you
and love you no matter what.
- Hey guys, guys... - What, sweetie?
We lost Dad.
Shh, shh.
Mike, Mike.
How did you find me?
♪ So if you want to drive with me, ride with me ♪
They're also the ones who will drive you crazy
with remote control fish balloons.
Ian, get that thing out of here!
♪ Come on and fly with me ♪
Ian...
♪ You got to roll with me ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~