my mom had something old project next to watch
she was keeping ?? how many more days should have me in her house
before I went to college.
When she hit 500, panic struck.
Morning, sunshine.
You know what we need?
An activity-- together.
All my life, my mom was reluctant to let me grow up.
Look at the pretty flowers, Justin.
Mom, you missed a spot.
We could take a cooking class.
We could learn how to do Thai soups. Mm!
Oh a ?? mother-son yoga.
How does that work, exactly?
Do not engage.
Look, we only have 500 more days left!
Awesome. We're down to vanilla and plain yogurt.
Are we living in the Great Depression?
- Hey, hon. - I'm gonna be late tonight.
The squad's making me do volunteer work after school.
500 more days.
For the love of meat, would you just pick sty?
Dad, I don't want to.
You know she's gonna grind you down eventually.
Just submit to it.
I got it!
Community theater.
They're doing Rent this year.
What is Rent?
It takes place in Greenwich Village,
and it's a group ofng people,
and they can't ad their housing, and...
half of them have AIDS, you know,
from homosexual activity or intravenous drug use.
That seems very depressing.
Come on, Justin, what do you say?
I don't know.
I'd been burned by the stage before.
♪ Three blie ♪
♪ Three blind mice ♪
♪ Na, na, na-na-na-na, na, na-na ♪
â™ªa, na, na-na-na-na, na, na-na... â™ª
Everyo outyo utwas supposed
but I didn't get anything.
You don't actually have to be in the musical.
Do s Stagcrew
- Stagcrew? - Yeah, nail stuff,
paint rocks-- couldn't be less gay.
Fine, I'll do it-- but only if I can do stage crew.
Viva la vie boheme!
Yes!
Aliens in America 113
or "volun-cheering," as they called it,
Claire joined the teen hotline at school.
Follow the script for suicides and overdoses.
Cool.
She was excited to use her alias,
the name she wanted to legally adopt when she was four.
Mom, could I change my name to Guinevere?
No Claire.
Yeah, that's stupid.
Teen Hotline. This is Guinevere.
Caller, are you there?
A-Are you... are you okay?
Are you having trouble breathing?
What do you smell like? Do you smell like peaches?
Do I smell... Ew!
Ew! Ew!
Oh, yeah, you'll get a lot of those.
Ew.
Teen Hotline. This is Guinevere.
It's just so hard. I-I'm really scared.
Okay, let's take this one step at a time.
Are you feeling like you're gonna hurt yourself or others?
Yeah, I-I guess that all depends on...
do you smell like peaches?
The caller on the other line just died.
I hope you're happy!
♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
♪ 525,000 moments so dear... ♪
♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
Whatcha doing there, Justin?
Oh, just, uh, painting some bricks, Dr. Feldman.
They look more like meat loafs to me.
That, my boy, is a zinger.
Day-o!
This is Dr. Feldman.
He's my pediatrician.
He's also gotten the lead
in the last four community theater productions.
A hole in one.
I don't... I don't want to push,
but so of the principle roles are still open.
Mom! I am not auditioning.
Okeydoke.
I'm just so glad you're here! Mwa!
Oh, actually,
I have to go backstage and help paint some blood on a mattress.
Fun!
Finally!
Somebody who isn't gonna die on me out there!
I'm Zoe, A.K.A. Mimi.
♪♪♪
Dr. Feldman's the front runner, but I'd rather make out
with ax wound than kiss that man onstage.
So are you gonna be my Roger?
Well, I have to audition first?
♪ Na, na, na-na-na-na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na, ♪
♪ Three blind mice. ♪
You've got it!
That is our Roger!
Yes!
You got to work on the pitch a little,
but you've got a youthful presence.
What?! This is an outrage!
Nice work, costar.
Weird song choice, but still...
♪♪♪
Hey, um, why don't we practice over at my place tonight.
I've got to get you up to speed.
Yeah, that sounds cool.
A college girlegust asked me to her apartment.
I ???
There's my little star! Oh!
Mmm...
This was a perfect moment--
for me and my mother.
"Larynx."
Triple-word score, double-letter on the "X."
Do the math, Mr. Tolchuck.
Whoa, whoa,.
We don't throw purses in this house, missy.
I didn't get one life-or-death phone call all day!
The Teen Hotline is officially not hot.
I mean, I never really understood why you chose the hot line, anyway.
I mean, it's not like helping people has ever been your strong suit.
What are you talking about?
Forget it, okay?
Because I feel like you're about to start yelling at me
and I've got a lot of lines to learn.
Mom, are you hearing this?
Oh, my God. You guys don't think I can do it.
I think you can do anything you set mind to, Claire.
Wow.
A foreigner believes in me more than my own parents.
Well, we'll see who's laughing en I stop some loser
from slitting his wrists!
Speaking of drama,
what do you say we go over your lines for the play, big guy?
Oh, uh, well, actually, I'm...
supposed to go over to Zoe's tonight, so...
Oh.
I mean, she is my costar.
Well, yeah, sure, of course.
My mother was at a rare lo words.
But not Raja.
♪♪♪
seven letters.
??? rtment.
The smell of incense,
Ramen noodles everywhere,
a couch that was found in an alley.
I imagined this is what Heaven was like.
The reason I do community theater
is because MCC's drama departmede is so political.
I've been there for, like, three years,
and I've only been in one production.
- Well, that's great. - No, at sucks.
It was this experimental thing where I had to eat my own hair.
Oh, well, no, what I mean is,
it's great that you got something.
You know, when I auditioned for Oklahoma at Medora High,
they wouldn't even let me sing in the chorus.
You didn't get anything?
They wouldn't even let me sub in for Judd Frye's dead body.
That's hilarious.
And so perfectly dead-pan.
Are you sure you're just a high schooler?
That may be the best question I have ever been asked.
You're way more mature than most college guys.
Now the pressure was on.
I had to come up with something interesting and mature to say.
I've never h nfee beforee
It's, like,, l guys my age care about is getting blitzed and hooking up.
I'm so glad that we can just focus on the work, Justin,
and not worry about any of this guy/girl B.S.
I couldn't agree more.
As I sat there, straining not to look at Zoe's boobs,
I realized that I was mature.
It felt so great to finally be appreciated by a girl.
In fact, a woman.
If Zoe just wanted to be friends,
I could totally not stare at her back tattoo.
Teen HotTe This is Guinevere.
Can I help you with a serious problem?
Um... I hope so.
Great. What's your name, caller?
Doug.
My name's Doug.
What can I help you with, Doug?
Raja hated seeing Claire upset.
He wanted to at least give her the opportunity to help somebody.
My dad keeps pushing me...
to kick butt at baseball,
and... he says if I don't shatter
Babe Ruth's home run record, he's gonna beat me savagely.
He was doing his best to sound like an all-American boy.
Well, that's retarded. Tell him to stop doing that.
After a few misfires,
Claire actually gave Raja the support his fictional character needed.
She listened, she asked good questions,
and over the next two weeks, they talked for hours.
But then something else happened one expected:
Claire and Doug started to bond.
And it's hard.
I mean, I have friends and people who care about me,
but sometimes I feel so alone.
Everyone feels that way.
Really?
Yeah. Believe me,
those people who seem to have it all together,
they cover it up themost.
And soon, Doug and Guinevere
were really talking about Claire and Raja.
And they weren't the only ones who had bonded.
Zoe and I had developed a little chemistry, too.
♪ Oh, won't you light the candle? ♪
♪ Why don't you forget that stuff ♪
♪ You look like you're 16 ♪
♪ I'm 19 ♪
♪ But I'm old for my age... ♪
And this drove my mother crazy.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. How hard can it be?
Excuse me, Lionel.
Someone from the chorus.
- Yes? - I do not mean to be an armchair director,
but the scene has no... tension.
What if Roger,
as he's getting to know Mimi,
is possessed by some old demons?
And that way, someone from the chorus or a placeholder, me,
could represent addiction.
Lionel.
Listen, we've got a lot of work to do.
Now back to one, people.
I felt bad.
My mom just wanted to be involved in my life,
but she had to realize that I wasn't a kid anymore.
I was Roger.
And Roger was a badass who read hard books, drank real coffee.
It's awful quiet down here.
I don't hear a lot of angry singing.
- I'm studying. - ??? . Really?
Zoe thought it would help inform my take on Roger's to-hell-with-it attude, so...
And you're drinking coffee now?
Justin, it's 7:00.
Not only are you gonna have the toots, you're gonna be up all night.
Is there anybody named Doug in the junior class?
I don't know. I'm sort of over the whole construct of secondary education.
Whatever.
How about you?
You know any Dougs?
Why do you ask, Claire?
I've been talking to this guy named Doug down at the hotline.
It'd be great to figure out who he is.
He's so warm and easy to talk to.
And that laugh...
Doug sounds lame.
Doug is not lame.
I mean, he sounds cool.
You know, the y he likes to talk to people.
Yeah, shut up, butt munch.
I'm gonna figure out who this guy is.
As much as Raja loved hearing Claire defend Doug,
this had gone too far.
Claire would eventually discover him.
Doug had to go.
Gar...
I can't???
Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
I honestly think I've got a tapeworm or something.
No, it's not the ham, it's Justin.
He completely shut me out.
The musical was supposed to be a way for us to bond,
but he spends all his time with Zoe the college girl.
Oh.
A college girl
Are you kidding me? Way to go, Tolchuck!
thing actually happened.
Good. That'll give us a chance to go over some of the basics.
All right, first off,
if you're going into btle,
you got to wear your armor, hmm?
All right, now it's to show you how to use one of these babies.
I'm not gonna put it on you, you fruitcake.
Go downstairs and get a banana.
I wonder if I should tell him that Zoe and I were just friends.
I also wondered why he walked around with a pocketful of condoms.
I am starring in the hit musical Rent,
and my co-star is a hot college girl who lends me huge books.
I cry BS.
- What? - You can't cry BS.
Sure I can. I just did.
Well, I cry bad friend.
It's totally true.
Come on, Juice,
we're supposed to believe you're starring in a musical with a co-ed?
Think we forgot about the ninth grade?
I needed my friends to believe me.
Somehow, I had to prove it.
Boom!
Does that look like a lie?
Pack of 12, two missing.
Which means you made love twice.
Or you double bagged it. Either way, my man, up here!
Whoo!
How did you seal the deal?
You know, college girls don't play games.
I straight out asked her and she said yes.
It's so organic.
You are a panther.
As I was starting a lie,
Raja was finishing up his.
You're moving?
Yeah.
My dad's getting transferred
and he's moving the whole family down south to Alabama.
Maybe I could get your number
so we could stay in touch something
Um...
- Hello? - Hello? Mom?
- Claire? - Doug?
What's going on?
♪♪♪ you with Doug♪
No, are you with Doug?
Hello, this is Raja.
I was just trying to use the phone.
Raja?
Who's Raja?
I think our lines are crossed.
Something's not right here.
Let's ???AmAlie
I am sorry.
I was wrong, I have broken your trust.
- shut up. - shutting up.
You must petty pleasedleth yoursth
Of all the prank callers,
you madee feel the stupidest
It wasot meant to be ank ll.
That is not shutting up, Doug.
Were you trying to make a fool of me?
- Answer me. - okay
You have to understand this got way out of control.
I was trying to make you feel better.
Better?
I wanted to prove that you can help someone.
But it wasn't real.
- It was. - Baseball?
♪♪♪ Huffing♪
Okay, I may have started with some lies.
I opened up to you.
I told you things I haven't told anybody.
I know.
Do you think those things I said are not real--
feeling alone, pretending things are okay when they are not?
I've told you things that I've not even told Justin
and you were helpful and you were compassionate.
And your family was wrong.
You are so much more than you seem.
You still shouldn't ve lied.
Wha...? What are you guys doing here?
We came to support you, brother.
And we want some of that ass.
Will you shut up, please?
I knew I shouldn't have told you guys about this.
What, and keep all the college strange for yourself? No way.
We're willing to earn our keep, though.
Ushers wear suits, right?
- Okay, I have to go. - Hey, Justin.
Hey. Zoe.
okay, Weirdness.
I'm Zoe. These are my friends, Cyra and Teagan.
- Hey, what's up? - Hey.
Good evening, ladies.
I want to make love.
- Uh, what did he just say? - Nothing.
He's actually got a mild form of the Tourette's.
No, no, don't apologize for me.
I'm just putting it out there.
Justin said college girls could handle it.
what's...
Is that right, Justin?
What else did you say that we could handle?
No, no, Dooley's retarded.
But we have to get backstage to...
???
No. Maybe. A little.
I don't know.
You know, the only reason I stayed in this crappy play
is because I thought that you were cool.
like some high schooler?
I am a high schooler.
- Screw this. - No, Zoe.
So...
What do you mean, she quit?
I don't know, she just got really upset
and she left really fast.
I felt like an ass.
Rent was about to be canceled.
but then ???
♪ Oh, won't you light the candle? ♪
Break a leg out there.
Sure.
You don't really want to do this, do you?
Well, I mean, it's not exactly how I planned it.
Well, this isn't what I planned either, Justin.
I just wanted to spend some time you
I'm so sorry.
It's hard letting go.
I know.
♪♪♪
No, Mom, it's okay, really.
I must admit,
with my mom and I playing young lovers with AIDS,
it was a little weird.
- but??? - * Candle... *
♪ Why don't you forget that stuff ♪
♪ You look like you're 16 ♪
♪ I'm 19 ♪
♪ But I'm old for my age ♪
♪ I'm just born to be bad ♪
Damn.
Why can't she be my mom?
What chemistry.
Is that even legal?
Not where I am from.
Claire, I did not...
We're good.
♪ With my father ♪
♪ I'm Roger'm ♪
♪ They call me ♪
Hey, are they gonna kiss in this?
And that's when I realized we did have to kiss.
In the end, my mom couldn't have been happier.
Not only did she get the lead role,
but she finally got some time with her leading man.
After the show, I skipped the cast party
at Dr. Feldman's to find Zoe.
I am so sorry.
No, I should apologize.
I shouldn't have walked out like that.
I guess I'm a drama major for a reason.
Well, no, no, I me I shouldn't have lied about us.
You know, I was... I was happy just being friends.
It's fine. Really.
In fact, I'm a little bit flattered.
If only you were a little bit older.
Well, you know, I am 18. You know,
I was held back.
I guess I wasn't done lying yet.
♪♪♪
Well, maybe it wasn't all talking.
But I'm too mature to tell you anything else.