Subs created by: David Coleman.
_.
I know.
Well, hang in there, honey, okay?
Okay, bye-bye.
I thought you were going to shave.
What, are you kidding?
I waited my whole life for mutton chops to come back.
These bad boys aren't going anywhere.
I just got off the phone with Gabe.
Apparently Gabe Junior is quite a challenge.
He even referred to him as "The Devil Child".
What goes around comes around, huh?
Woo! Up top.
Mom, Toby's not talking to me.
- Toby, talk to Charlie. - No way.
- Toby... - Hey, dad, chops are looking good.
Oh, thanks, pal.
You know, it took five tries, but I finally got a kid to be nice to me.
Toby's been giving me the silent treatment for two days.
- What'd you do? - Nothing!
Well, okay.
I told some girl that he liked her.
It's funny how, whenever you say "nothing,"
it's always followed by something.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
Well, what am I going to do about Toby?
You know, I think that Teddy went through something like this with Gabe once.
Do you think she did a video diary about it?
I think she did a video diary about everything.
Hey, Gabe.
Hi. Gabe Junior.
You did what? You tied your daddy to a chair?
Honey, listen to me very carefully, okay?
Do you know how to work a camera phone?
Great.
♪Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes.
♪"Has anybody seen my left shoe?"
♪I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.
♪There it is up on the roof.
♪I've been there, I survived.
♪So just take my advice.
♪Hang in there, baby things are crazy.
♪But I know your future's bright.
♪Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.
♪Everything turns out all right.
♪Sure life is up and down.
♪But trust me, it comes back around.
♪You're gonna love who you turn out to be.
♪Hang in there, baby.
_.
Computer, bring up Teddy's video diaries.
Accessing files.
Cross reference "silent treatment".
Hey, Charlie.
Well, crazy week for the Duncan family.
This is going to be a long one, so you might want to get comfortable.
Anyway, it all started a few days ago.
Oh!
Charlie, it's so sweet you're playing with Toby.
You're a really good big sister.
No, I'm not.
What do you mean?
I got in trouble. This is my punishment.
Well, you're still...
A sister.
- Hi, Lauren. - Hi, Teddy. Is Gabe here?
Uh, no. Do you want me to give him a message?
Yeah, could you tell him I need to talk to him?
It's about our relationship.
Oh. Okay.
Um, I'll have him call you.
No, I really need to do this in person.
All right.
Thanks.
- Uh oh. - What's wrong?
Well, usually when a girl says she needs to talk about the relationship,
it means she doesn't like the boy anymore.
We need to talk about our relationship.
Meanwhile, there was some trouble brewing in the neighborhood.
We've got a problem.
Well, come on in, Debbie.
I came outside this morning to find that some hooligan
had rubbed soap all over my car windows.
So I guess what I'm asking is...
Where was Gabe last night?
All right, it wasn't Gabe. He's too old for that kind of stuff.
No, besides, soap was never his thing.
Eggs, water balloons, toilet paper... that's really where he excelled.
Well, whoever it was, we need to catch him.
Almost everyone on the block's been hit by the mad soaper.
You know what we need? We need a neighborhood watch.
Okay, so why don't we get everybody together tonight?
- We can do it here. - Ooh, could I cater it?
I've got some new ideas for appetizers. I could wrap bacon around...
Ooh, that sounds good.
I'll go spread the word.
Oh!
My car got soaped.
Where was Abe last night?
It's Gabe.
So... he's got a partner now, huh?
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, Gabe, Lauren stopped by. She wants you to come over.
- Oh, okay. - Wait, hold on.
Um, she said that she wants to talk to you about your relationship.
Hmm, okay.
Hold on.
Come sit with your sister. We need to talk.
All right...
He said, slightly creeped out.
Look, do you know what it means when a girl says that
she wants to talk to you about the relationship?
That... she wants to talk about the relationship?
No! Girls never say what they mean.
So...
- Are you saying what you mean right now? - Gabe... just...
Listen to me, okay?
Most of the time when a girl says...
That she wants to talk about the relationship.
It means...
Well, that she doesn't want it to continue.
You mean, she's going to dump me?
I kind of think so.
Oh, man.
I thought everything was going great.
Guys always think that.
I can't believe I finally get a girlfriend, and now she's going to dump me.
I mean, I could be wrong.
No, somebody who's been dumped as many times as you knows the drill.
- I can't believe this. - Look, I know it's hard.
But what does having a girlfriend even mean at your age?
All you guys do is go to the movies and play video games.
Great, so I'm devastated and my relationship was meaningless.
Come here.
I know it hurts.
Do you want to cry?
I didn't until you started hugging me.
Welcome, everybody, to the first-ever meeting
of the Edgewood Drive neighborhood watch.
Objection!
I think it should be called the "Edgewood Drive neighborhood patrol".
Sounds more official.
Are we going to get T-shirts?
And we're off to a great start.
- Car's all clean, Mr. Doogan. - Ah, thanks, Tommy.
We've got to catch whoever's soaping our cars.
Yep, but first, we should give 'em a nickname.
Oh, I know... how about "the mad soaper"?
Wonder where she got that one.
Is that all we're talking about?
Because I park in my garage.
Okay, but you care about the rest of us, right?
You people crack me up.
- I'm out of here. - Oh... uh...
Before you go, Mrs. Dabney, crab puff?
Don't mind if I do.
Oh! Uh...
I've got cats.
Well, hope those kitty cats enjoy the crab at $14 a pound.
I have an idea.
Go ahead, Mrs. Dobbs.
I say we break into teams of two and patrol the neighborhood after dark.
What do you think, Bert?
Well, I think that's a great idea.
I'd like someone young who can stay up late.
I'll take him.
I'm just here catering.
You're either with us or you're against us.
Oh! Hi, Gabe. You want to come in?
Uh, no. I want to do this out here.
Do what?
I'm breaking up with you.
How does that feel?
Bad.
Good, that's what I was going for.
But I thought things were going so well.
Really? All we do is play video games and go to movies.
I thought you liked doing that stuff with me.
Oh, please.
"Hey, wait till you get to level two".
I was faking it.
I can't believe this is happening.
What are you talking about? You were going to break up with me.
Where did you get that idea?
You said you wanted to talk about our relationship, I know what that means.
I wanted to update my status to "in a relationship".
I was just going to ask if you were okay with that.
But now I don't have to bother.
Teddy!
You ruined my life!
Yeah yeah, what'd I do now?
No, not you. I meant Teddy.
Oh! Proceed.
You destroyed my relationship. I am never talking to you again.
Get involved in a 14-year-old's romance?
Yep.
- Was that a good idea? - Nope.
Well, Charlie, I thought I'd given Gabe some good advice.
But boy, was I ever wrong.
Gabe was really mad.
And he was serious about not talking to me.
Hey, Gabe.
He's not talking to you.
Gabe, I've apologized like five times.
I don't know what else to do.
Come on!
What do you want me to do? Curl up in a hole and die?
He says, "that's fine".
Man, just say something.
At least make fun of my outfit. Come on. I wore this just to get a rise out of you.
I can't say that.
Ah, that's funny.
- What did he say? - I forgot.
Well, here I am.
Oh, hey, Mrs. Dobbs.
Welcome to neighborhood watch command central.
You mean your porch?
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's get some eyes on the street.
Wow. Sure is dark tonight.
Might help if you take the lens caps off.
Oh! Hey.
Thanks, partner.
Okay.
Yeah, he's out there.
I can feel it in my bones.
Watch a lot of cop shows, do you?
10-4.
Hey, you know something, Mrs. Dobbs?
You and I have never really had a chance to sit down and get to know each other.
Tell me about yourself.
Well, I'm a widow.
I don't like to stay up late.
And this bench is uncomfortable.
Good night.
It's a nice car, Bert.
I especially like the seat warmers.
Oh. Those are on?
Good. I thought I was having a hot flash.
Nope. Your buns are just like mine.
Warm and toasty.
And now let's talk about anything else.
You know, being out on patrol like this reminds me of my days in the service.
- You were in the Army? - No! The Postal Service.
You're listening to KDOZ.
KDOZ, mellow music for mellow people.
We put the Z's in easy listening.
You mind if I change the station?
Only if you can find a better one.
There is no better one.
Think we should drive around a bit?
Seems like a lot of trouble.
You're right.
Let's let the crime come to us.
Mmm.
So, Deputy Doug lets you use his patrol car?
Deputy Doug doesn't know anything about this.
He's away for the weekend.
- What if he finds out? - Just more money for the swear jar.
I gotta say, it's kind of exciting riding around in a police car.
Oh.
Must be fun for you to sit up front for a change.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm just guessing you've been arrested before.
Because of your attitude.
Okay, you know what? That is highly offensive, Debbie.
I have not been arrested.
I was simply asked if I'd like to take a ride downtown.
- Hi. - Hello, neighbor.
- Well, you're in a good mood. - Of course I am.
Gabe and Lauren are broken up.
The Devil Child is gone.
This house is clean.
Uh, look. The thing is, Gabe and Lauren broke up because of me.
Give Mama a hug!
Can I talk to Lauren?
Lauren?
My favorite neighbor wants to see you.
♪Oh when the saints go marching in.
Hey, Lauren. Can we talk?
Sure.
Um...
Listen...
Gabe breaking up with you was all my fault.
I told him that you were gonna dump him,
and so to avoid getting hurt, he dumped you first.
- Why would you tell him that? - I was helping.
- Was that a good idea? - No.
And so ever since you broke up, Gabe's been devastated.
Do you think you could give him another chance?
- Will you stay out of it? - Absolutely.
Then... yes.
♪Oh, when the saints, oh, when the saints.
♪Go marching in, go marching in.
♪Oh when the saints go marching in.
You know what? Don't tell her until tomorrow, let her have tonight.
♪When the saints go marching in.
- Man. Somebody got soaped. - Whose car is this?
Mom? Mrs. Dooley?
You're the ones that have been soaping the windows?
Hey, Bert, wake up. We caught them.
You didn't catch anything.
You fell asleep in your car, and that hooligan struck again.
It's MJ's fault. He was supposed to stay up.
In this thing? Man, I don't know how you stay up when you drive.
Who says I do?
- You two should be ashamed of yourselves. - Completely irresponsible.
Hey, check it out. A police car rolling backward down the street.
Oh! Smoking biscuits!
I forgot to set the brake!
Hey. You guys are back together.
Oh, happy ending.
Oh, come on.
You're still not talking to me?
Guys, everything is fixed.
Actually, we decided it would be better for our relationship to not talk to you.
Besides, you've got bigger problems.
You!
Okay.
So, last night's neighborhood watch didn't go so well.
My car got soaped.
My rose bushes got run over by a police car.
Well, that will forever remain a mystery, I guess.
- Here are your keys, Mr. Doogan. - Oh, thanks, Tommy.
You're the only good thing about this whole disaster.
- See you, everybody. - Not so fast, Tommy.
Neighbors, I think I just cracked this case.
It's so simple a fool could solve it.
And I did.
Who is the one person who's benefited from all this?
The one who gets paid every time the cars get soaped.
That's right.
The mad soaper is...
Little Tommy Dixon!
Actually, it was me.
That was my next guess.
Mrs. Dobbs?
My stakeout partner? Did not see this coming.
I came up with the whole scheme because I wanted to spend time with Bert Doogan.
I was hoping I could go on patrol with him.
It would have worked too if it hadn't been for PJ.
No no, it's DJ.
It should have been me napping in the car with Bert.
So what do you think, Bert?
You and Mrs. Dobbs?
Can you cook?
Yes.
Okay. We're together.
Well. That's it then.
Crime's been solved.
I guess there's really only one thing left to say.
Neighborhood watch... one.
Criminal scum... zero.
How long you been sitting on that one?
Two days.
_.
Anyway, Charlie, I'm really glad that Gabe and Lauren are back together.
But he's still not talking to me.
Wait a minute. I just remembered, there's one thing that always works on Gabe Duncan.
Ever since he was a little kid.
Tickling.
Why didn't I think of that?
Oh, Toby?
So...
I guess now that he's 14, tickling game is a bad idea.
I really have to watch these things to the very end.
It's not over until she says...
Good luck, Charlie.
- Hi. - Who are you?
I'm you in the future.
I've come back in a time machine.
Okay.
So, what do you think?
You're pretty.
Aren't we?
Anything you want to ask me?
Did Toby move in with grandma?
Still working on it.
What's Gabe doing?
Eight to 10.
What about mom?
Does it get any easier?
I could lie and give you hope.
But no.
So what do you want?
Nothing. I just wanted to try out my new time machine.
I'm off to go see some dinosaurs. Want to come?
Okay.
Sync & corrections by P2Pfiend. Www.Addic7ed.Com.