Henry: One more lateral incision...
Good. Suction, and then sew him up to finish.
(Laughs)
Appendectomy over the phone.
Boom! You're welcome.
I'm an animal.
Jimmy: Speaking of which, don't go
into the kitchen for a little while.
Waffles, and a smoothie for the lady.
You made my Beverly Hills green machine.
I can't believe the Granby food mart has kale.
- They didn't. - Spirulina?
- No. - Wheat grass?
Why would you want grass in it?
- Agave nectar? - I don't even know what that is.
Jimmy, what is in this?
Um, coleslaw,
vodka, green Margarita mix
and some dandelions from the driveway.
That's your kale right there.
- It's so good. - Henry: Jimmy...
why don't we want to go in the kitchen?
Uh, nothing.
There's just a little visitor in there.
- Uh-oh. - Henry: All right.
Where in the kitchen is it?
No, Henry, I won't let you hurt it.
In prison I learned the way of the Buddha.
And in Buddhist morality, the first precept is
never harm, kill, roughly pet
or squish any other living thing.
Chloe: Okay, Jimmy,
he is not gonna harm or kill anything.
That's exactly what I'm going to do... move it.
No, Henry, don't!
(Squawks)
(Chloe gasps)
(Squawks, clucks)
Go ahead, Henry. Kill it.
♪ Oh, oh, oh...
♪ Oh, oh, oh
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Okay, Goodwins.
Today, your dad has a little surprise for you.
Oh, good, a surprise.
'Cause today has been kind of blah so far.
There was an ostrich in our kitchen.
- Yeah, that'll happen. - Will it?
You've been gone a long time.
Okay, two things.
One: There is an ostrich farm down the road from your house.
And two: It's run by idiots.
Any questions?
Off the top of my head, thousands.
Can my eight-year-old daughter ride the ostrich
if I get visitation rights?
I don't think that's something you have to worry about.
All right, well, what's the surprise?
Right. In order to find out what it is,
you will have to solve a mathematical puzzle.
All right! Chloe, you're up.
What do you mean, "Chloe, you're up"?
- She's the smart one. - Of course.
I have two degrees: One from Harvard,
the other one from Harvard, but yeah, that trumps.
- Okay, Henry, you're the smart one. - No, there is no smart one.
That's all I'm saying; We're both smart.
We're all smart. There's no smart one.
- Can we please see the puzzle? - (Clears throat)
Wow.
- Hey, where you going? - I'm following the smart one.
She's not the smart one.
Squiggle with the cubic board.
I got it. I got it.
Hey, guys, wait for me. I solved it.
I solved it. Guys?
Okay, "Putnam college,
Davenport Hall, look for F.J."
Okay, here's Davenport Hall.
Where is F.J.?
Ah.
I think we found our F.J., guys.
Look at that frisbee joker.
No, Jimmy, I don't think that's...
Yeah, you're right, because there's a friendly
jell-o fellow. Hi, friend.
Look at all these kids.
I mean, just think, Chloe, this... this could've been you.
Oh, please.
I was never the college type.
Are you kidding?
You were like, a total math whiz.
Remember when you were a kid?
All your professors were like...
You're, like, a total math whiz.
I think dad probably wanted you to go to Putnam
to follow in his footsteps.
Well, as much as I want to live in New Hampshire
and wear flats every day,
it just wasn't my calling.
I'm an actress.
I always have been,
ever since I auditioned for that high school play.
"For this is our independence day."
(Coughing)
And then Jeff Goldblum
blew everything up with a laptop.
It was really neat.
(Sighs)
The last thing I want
is to fill any poor kid's head with irrational expectations.
So I will just say this.
You will definitely become
the greatest, most famous movie star
of all time.
Guaranteed,
and I know of which I speak.
They do not allow just anyone to teach high school theater
and two periods of Spanish.
Oh, that Mr. Quilty.
He's the guy I'm gonna kick myself
(phone rings) For forgetting to thank in my Oscar speech.
Stargazer lilies?!
You gotta be kidding me.
Sorry... Kate, the love of my life...
she has to micromanage every aspect of this wedding.
Wait, she's running for Congress and planning a wedding?
And doing a cleanse.
But look, I'm a guy...
what do I know about flowers?
But stargazer lilies as a centerpiece?
Maybe as part of bouquet, but not as a centerpiece.
If that's the case, I might as well serve fish sticks
and wear a denim tuxedo.
- I'd go to that wedding. - All right...
Stargazer lilies sound perfect, sweetie,
but no smiley face.
That should get the message across.
Jimmy: You guys,
I think we found our F.J.
Oh!
Hi, there.
- Name? - Chloe Goodwin.
Oh, but I'm not registered.
Chloe Goodwin, got you right here.
What's this? Another puzzle?
Puzzle?!
It's your orientation packet.
You're an incoming freshman.
Welcome to Putnam college, class of 2016.
Hey, all right! You got into college.
(Jimmy laughs)
He's making me go back to college?
From beyond the grave?
- Surprise. - So what, if I don't do this,
I don't get my inheritance?
I'm not at liberty to say at this time.
But come on, Chloe,
there has got to be a little part of you
that likes this idea.
Remember back before you were an evil bitch
with a giant sucking void where your heart used to be
when we were in math club together?
- I can't believe we won. - (Snorts)
Let's make a pact.
The three of us are never gonna stop doing math.
Let's shake on it.
Yeah, and now let's French kiss.
Oh, Ivan...
Ivan...
No.
I may have miscalculated.
(Sniffs)
(Class bell rings)
This is your chance to get that feeling back.
It's kind of exciting, when you think about it.
Exciting? How about you go
to Brett Ratner's vodka-tastrophy
at the Château de Bitches, and then you can talk to me
about exciting.
I don't know who, what, or where that is.
Look, in case everyone has forgotten,
I have a career as an actress.
He doesn't want me to give up my career, does he?
He wants me to give up my career.
- Can you believe that? - Jimmy: I mean, that is crazy.
Chloe, you are a fantastic actress.
I know, right?
- Right? - Okay.
- Oh, here we go. - Chloe, I'm gonna tell you something
that you don't want to hear, but as your brother,
I think it's my responsibility to say it.
I'm not a good actress?
No.
No, that's not it
or no, I'm not a good actress.
No, you're not a good actress.
I'm... a great actress?
- No! - You're not a good doctor.
Oh, well, now you just sound insane.
Look, this college thing is a great opportunity for you.
Maybe it's time you admit the acting thing
isn't working... right, Jimmy?
Chloe, you're a fantastic actress.
- Thank you, Jimmy. - Come on, will you just admit
that you agree with me, Jimmy? I know you want to.
No, I don't want anything.
The Buddha teaches us
to eliminate our earthly desires.
Yeah, well, the Buddha never had to sit
through one of Chloe's plays.
If I'm so terrible,
then why did Mr. Quilty give me the lead role
in every show I went out for?
I'll give you two padded, pushed-up reasons why.
He had the hots for you.
He gave you the part because he wanted
to give you the part.
- Ew. - Gross.
Okay, first of all, he had a wife.
Second of all, he was clearly gay.
Third of all, he was a feminist.
This is a man who re-envisioned
great works of drama to create better roles for women.
- What gives? - Everybody...
This booze is too warm.
Everybody's a wise guy.
(Applause)
Maybe I can help you out.
Both: The ice-woman cometh.
You guys wants to sell real estate?
Brass boobs, gentlemen.
Hello, Pharaoh.
I want to tell you 'bout my crazy dream.
(Lively rock music plays)
Mr. Quilty is the reason I'm an actress today.
Whenever I'm having doubts, I remember what he told me:
"Follow your dream, no matter what."
If he knew that on the other side of that
was a 34-year-old with three roommates,
he would tell you
to go back to school. Back me up, Jimmy.
Chloe, you're a fantastic actress.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Thanks.
No, he would tell me to stick with it.
He would not tell you to stick with it.
Stick with it.
Look, guys, here's the secret to life:
Never stop doing anything as long as it's still fun.
Like for me, teaching was fun.
But then with all the politics and everything,
it stopped being fun, so I switched
to painting antique birdcages.
And that's fun?
It is if you're stoned all day.
Uh-huh.
Okay, Mr. Quilty,
just level with me here.
Do I have what it takes?
In spades.
(Groans, sighs)
Well, I'm gonna get me some of those jalapeños popper.
Quilty, exit stage left.
Okay, that was all I needed.
I'm gonna stick with it.
Because who knows you better than a retired drama teacher
you haven't seen in 15 years?
So I should listen to you?
Exactly. Chloe...
the... the world is full of people
who just want to blow smoke up your ass.
That's why we have family.
Family always tells you the truth
no matter how hard it is to hear.
- Yeah? - Hey, come on.
Dear Kate,
I hate stargazer lilies,
and if I see even one on a table at my wedding,
I'll wonder to myself
what dentist's office in Phoenix
just got a little less tacky?
- Whoo, you type fast. - Mm-hmm.
Kind of sounds like the truth
that hurts, doesn't it?
I'll make a deal.
You call me a bad actress one more time,
I'm gonna hit send.
- You're bluffing. - Am I?
You know how I know you're bluffing?
- Because you're a bad actress. - Oops.
You didn't hit send; Did you hit send?
You didn't hit send. Oh, my God, you hit send.
Why'd you do that?
Because it might... it still could...
I didn't think, I didn't think it through.
Don't patients have to reach you?
I think that's a violation of your hippocratic oath.
Okay, Jimmy, it wasn't a good plan, all right?
Well, I didn't know you were bluffing.
You're a fantastic actress, Chloe.
- Thank you, Jimmy. - Thank you, Jimmy.
Quilty re-enters.
Mr. Quilty, you know what would be really fun?
Let's go back to the high school and visit the old theater.
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
And I haven't been back there in so long.
Oh, come on, it will be fun.
Well, I do still have my key,
and it is a Saturday.
Okay, but under one condition.
Do you still remember your death scene...
from Hamletta?
And the rest...
is silence.
Ooh.
Brava!
Bravissima!
Man: Hello there.
Oh, hey, what's up Keith
the teeth... I mean, Officer...
the teeth.
I got an anonymous tip about some kids
throwing cans of paint off the rooftop.
Oh, we haven't, uh, we haven't seen anything.
Oh, no? You supposed to be here?
I think I am. I think I am.
Oh, you mean at the school? No, no, no, we snuck in.
But it's okay 'cause we're with a faculty member...
well, former faculty member... You remember Mr. Quilty.
Quilty's here?
Quilty exits.
Officer in pursuit!
Take him down, Keith.
- Ooh! - Keith: I got ya!
- Aah! Aah! - (Keith yells)
All right, the AC's still broken
so I'm gonna leave the window down.
Don't jump out this time.
Yeah, he got canned a few years back
for snooping around the girls' locker room.
Guy's a perv.
Called it.
I don't get it.
- You're married. - I know.
- And you're gay. - I know.
So all those lead roles I got in high school...
was it because you had the hots for me?
Quilty as charged.
(Car engine starts) As he said,
I'm a total perv.
But I am a great actress, right?
If I stick with it, I will win an Oscar one day, right?
Oh, Chloe.
Do you have any idea how crazy you sound?
Send me a picture of your feet.
You, too, boys.
They drive away... end of act two.
God, I am such a fool.
Looking back, it seems so obvious, right?
All that time I thought I got those
parts because of my talent.
Was I never talented?
Did you think I was good back then?
Do you think I went and saw any of those stupid plays?
I hated you, remember?
Although I saw that CSI episode you did.
Yeah, I liked you in that one.
I played a mutilated corpse.
I know.
It's weird...
I never even would've found out about Quilty
if it weren't for those boys
throwing paint cans off the roof.
(Sighs)
I got to go.
Don't worry.
I got this.
Jimmy: You know the Buddha
survived six years eating
only eating a single grain of rice a day.
Okay, Jimmy, I get it... you're an expert on the Buddha
because you read a book on buddhism, all right?
No, I read 48 books on buddhism.
You read 48 books in prison?
No, I read 48 books on buddhism.
I'd say in prison,
I read almost 1,200 books.
1,200 books, really?
Why is that surprising?
Look, how many books you read in high school?
- Do movies based on books count? - Nope.
What about books based on movies?
Sure.
- Zero. - Uh-huh.
All right, let's see if this worked.
Hey, how about that.
(Phone rings)
Aah, it's Kate... get some water.
No, no, Henry... you have to answer it.
- No, I don't. - Henry, the Buddha woulda.
Hey, Kate.
Henry, it's Marta.
Marta.
It's her assi... stant.
What are you doing... where's Kate?
She's giving a speech, so I'm on phone duty.
Oh, God... okay, good.
I sent her a text about an hour ago.
Just delete it for me.
- Do not let her see that. - Are you kidding?
She hasn't seen a text in weeks.
- What? - She's running for Congress.
She doesn't have time for that stuff.
No, I've been texting with her.
No, you've been texting with me.
But I sent her some pretty personal stuff with attachments.
Look, I'm keeping all non-essentials
off the councilwoman's plate... that includes wedding planning.
So since you're the one who cares...
what kind of flowers do you want?
What? (Laughs)
Why would you ask me that?
I'm... I'm a guy.
Peonies and cabbage roses surrounded by, uh,
hydrangeas and no baby's breath, please.
All right, I got to go.
Nice penis, by the way.
Hey, disaster averted.
Yay!
Boo?
I've been texting with Marta.
I haven't talked to my fiancée in over a week.
And now, Marta has seen my penis.
Yeah!
Boo? Boo.
James Ulysses Goodwin.
- Oh, no. - Refresh my memory.
The third time you went to juvie, what was it for?
For running a casino in a retirement village.
- A casino? - I wanted to bring
some excitement to the seniors
in their golden years.
If that's a crime, then lock me up.
Chloe: It was.
And they did, and that was the fourth time.
No, the third time you were in juvie,
it was for throwing paint cans
off the roof of a school.
Just like some kids allegedly did earlier today.
Copycat crime.
Was it?
Or did you call in the anonymous tip
so that Keith would come arrest Mr. Quilty?
J'accuse!
He wasn't supposed to be at the school.
(Gasps) So you knew about him the entire time.
When did you find out?
Four years ago, when it happened.
It was in all the papers.
In Granby.
So it was in... one paper.
So why didn't you tell me?
He was your hero... I didn't want you
to get your heart broken.
So you lied to protect my feelings.
Do you think I'm a good actress?
Oh, we're back on that? Yes, Chloe,
I think you are a fantastic actor.
Jimmy...
do you think I'm a good actress?
The fourth precept of buddhism teaches...
Jimmy!
Well, Henry's always saying that it's our job as a family
to be honest to each other because everybody else
blows smoke up your ass.
That hasn't been my experience.
As far as I can tell, the world's a pretty mean
and uncaring place.
So...
if you can't get unconditional love and support
from your siblings, where you gonna get it?
So...
you're saying I suck.
- Yeah, you're awful. - I called it.
Oh. Okay. I mean, what was that last thing you did...
Clonesplosion... that was confusing and bad.
I didn't know what was going on,
but I knew that I hated it.
I'm sorry, Chloe.
It's just hard to see you struggle so much
and not get anywhere.
Plus, you're not happy.
Oh, no, I am happy.
(Crying): Okay? I am totally happy.
I've never been happier.
You're crying.
Happily.
Come with me.
Come on.
I'm gonna put this in terms that you understand... math.
Okay, Chloe equals C.
Okay, acting equals A.
And happiness equals H.
Chloe minus acting equals happiness.
Yeah.
Can I make one correction?
Guys, I shouldn't go back to math...
and I'll prove it.
With math.
So, to review... if X is my age, Y is my health,
and Z is my career, and curve Aa is
life in Los Angeles, curve B is life in Granby,
considering the independent
variables of projected income,
quality of life, weather, access to great parties
and the probability of having an ostrich
in your kitchen... let's crunch the numbers.
So, if A equals the limit
of Y cubed X equals eight X, thus proving
that C plus a equals H.
Yeah, but what about all the things
that you're not factoring in?
Like what about the fact that nerds are cool now?
What about the fact that New Hampshire is part of Canada?
What?!
It is, or is basically.
What about love?
- Henry: Love? - I mean, what if she's destined
to marry some amazing guy here in Granby?
No, I think it's safe to say that love is the one thing
we can't use math to figure out.
Right?
Chloe, right?
Let sigma equal the straight male population
of greater Los Angeles, minus redheads...
I've never been into redheads.
We're gonna need a bigger board.
Chloe: ... Equals 48.1534
repeating the exact value of H,
which proves once and for all
that Chloe plus acting equals happiness.
(Grunts)
Impressive.
- Hey, Chloe. - Yes, the alcoholic in the back.
Congratulations.
You're the smart one.
Thank you.
I should go back to school, shouldn't I?
- Yes! - Yes!
Ok, time to go.
First day of school.
Jimmy, thank you for trying so hard to protect my feelings.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- And Henry... - Mm-hmm.
- Ok. - I love you too.
Later gators.
Bye.
Hey, did you really read 1200 books in prison.
Yeah.
I did it mostly for Piper though.
Huh. That kid is crazy smart. I mean really.
I guess she got that genius gene that dad and Chloe have.
And you. (laughs)
I was just kidding.
You should have seen your face. It looks similar to what it is now.
Marta, look, if this is about the flowers...
Kate!
Well, well, as I live and breath.
Well, you should be.
Do you know that we almost had stargazer lilies at our wedding?
Is that what you want?
No, me neither! But...
Look, it's just good to hear your voice.
Henry: Though I'll put a pin in being...
Henry: We will get back... it's just...
Henry, the ostrich is back!
So hey, how is it going?
How was the speech? Did they laugh at my joke?
Henry!
- The ostrich is back. - No, no. You must have told it wrong.
It's a great joke.
You know what? I'll take care of it.
Carl, that is not your jell-o!
Get out!
Ok, Chloe.
Onward and upward.
Wrong building.
Wrong building. Oh!
Wow, that...
is a really big arm.
- It's like a leg. - (laughs)
Thank you. Noone ever said that to anyone...
ever. I imagine.
Probably not.
Hmm, hi. What was I gonna say?
Oh, huh,
could you please tell me where the Science center is?
Pass the library, take a left, you can't miss it.
Great. Thanks.
I'm new.
Hmm, ok.
Hmm, also...
incredibly smart. So...
Bye.
Oh, um,
I'm Chloe.
Bye.
Hey Ivan, who was that?
An old friend.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -