It was inevitable that my spiritual journey
would lead me to the ten commandments.
And to my surprise, most of them were pretty easy.
"Thou shalt have no other gods before me."
Duh.
I'll give the priority to the one in my head.
"Thou shalt have no graven images."
I instantly thought of those graven images that Tom worships.
Gee.
I'm sorry, Tom.
"Don't take the lord's name in vain."
I'm working on it.
[Coin clinks]
[Several coins clatter]
"Remember the sabbath."
I remember it's Sunday, great day to relax.
Although, the sabbath is a little tricky,
thanks to our Jewish friends.
And what about t.G.I.F.? That's kind of a sabbath too.
But number five was trickier.
"Honor thy father and mother."
Oh, hey, mom.
I know I haven't called in a while,
but I just wanted to say I love you,
which I also haven't done in a while.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for letting me live at home
after that fire-eater dumped me.
[Sobs]
Dad, you are such a funny guy, you know.
I never told you what a funny guy you...
[Laughs]
You remember that joke you used to tell?
I just finished
signing you up for fruit-of-the-month club,
so you can think of me every time you eat a pear.
So I don't know, I guess that's it for now, you guys.
Why don't you call me when you get this message,
and we'll really catch up? I love you.
- Hi, honey. - Hi. Bye.
I'm going to Riley's.
Hey, honey, why don't you stay and help me figure out
what to make for dinner?
Yup. Nope. Not gonna do that.
I'm just gonna eat this brownie for dinner.
Will you throw this away for me?
But this was my real conundrum...
How to get Emily to honor her mother.
And then I got an idea.
If you want someone to honor you, honor them.
Basic buddhism.
Uh-oh. Another graven image.
Can I keep him?
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -
[thunderclap]
Oh, nuts.
[Indistinct chatter]
So I decided to lead by example.
Now that's not a commandment, but it really should be.
And I would show Emily how to honor me
by honoring her.
Love and honor you! Love and honor you!
Whoo!
E-m-I-l-y. E-m-I-l-y.
Go, Emily!
Beth, I'm loving the impromptu spelling bee,
but I actualame to watch a lacrosse game.
Oh, sorry, Elliot.
I'm just super fired up to celebrate my daughter.
You get it, Mags, right?
Whoo.
She's closing a sale for work.
It looks like she's not paying attention,
but when we get home, she can recite the stats
of every player in the game.
It really turns me on.
Whoo, Emily! Come on. Come on, run!
Goal! [Cheers]
Nice work, ladies.
I honor you, Emily!
Emily! Emily, I honor you.
I love and honor you.
I love and honor you!
Beth, Emily wants you to lose the sign.
- What? - Lose the sign.
Lose the sign?
Did Emily say that?
Oh, all right. I gotta talk to her.
No, no, no, parents have to stay in the bleachers.
Why? You're not in the bleachers.
I'm the assistant coach.
I have to do assistant coach stuff
like throw this clipboard on the ground
when something bad happens.
You're really great at it, buddy.
It is so embarrassing.
I'm the worst player on the team
with the biggest fan.
Well, I don't care how good you are.
I just love and honor everything that you do.
Well, you don't have to do it 24/7.
You're suffocating me.
And just go get a job or something.
Being your mom is my job.
I thought you were a prophet of God.
Shouldn't you be out doing prophet-y stuff?
Well, a prophet of God shares God's message of love,
and I am sharing it with you.
Well, you're doing it in creepy ways.
How so?
Morning! [Screams]
I love and honor you.
Go share your love with someone else,
preferably someone on a Mountain
or in a cave.
Maybe I could just bounce around, you know,
do some God jobs, something Emily
would really respect and honor.
Hey, I could become a judge,
and then Emily would have to call me "your honor."
Why don't you just go back to being a weather girl?
She might think that was cool.
But that's more of a, like, mother nature job,
not a God job.
Besides, even if I wanted to do that,
I don't know if they'd welcome me back.
After my drinking really kicked in,
things went downhill kind of fast.
We just make this [Bleep] up as we go along.
It's magic. [Laughs]
You...
You want to see something else that's magic?
Ta-da!
Whoo! Peter, for you.
- Oh. - Before the drinking,
you were so good at it, and in a weather emergency,
you were amazing.
You helped me through a lot of snow-mageddons.
Really? I helped you?
Jenna, pumpkin, tres pitchereros for table cuatro, por favor.
All right, I have to go. Te's yelling at me
in broken Spanish, which is our little code
when we don't want customers to know that we hate them.
[Chuckles]
Oh, that's terrible.
Rapido, rapido. Mucho faster, please.
Hi, Ohio. I'm Tiffany Melrose.
Hi, Tiffany. Does your back hurt?
Emily asked me to talk to you.
Oh, let me guess. She doesn't want me
to come to the next game.
Or her graduation or her wedding.
I told her we'd stick to the game for now.
- She hates me, doesn't she? - No, she doesn't hate you.
She just doesn't understand you.
But I don't understand you either, and I love you,
so obviously those things aren't mutually exclusive.
Well, you can tell her she's in luck.
I'm not gonna smother her anymore.
I've decided to take my godliness out into the world.
And what world are we talking about?
What? The real world, of course.
I'm gonna set up shop on the corner,
wash feet or give away free hugs or something.
Okay, in that case, please don't go into the world.
No, I am gonna do something.
Emily wants me out of the house, and why is this news so sad?
Local residents reported spinning wheels
as the suspect fled in a stolen bakery truck.
Why can't it be about happy things like kittens
or puppies or something?
Well, for starters, puppies and kittens
don't rob banks or start fires.
Yeah, but why can't it still be about kittens and puppies?
Where are you going with this?
The city council has voted to amend one of the bylaws...
I just got the idea for my God job.
I gotta prep. Ha.
Prep? B-Beth.
- Do not go into the world. - I'm going.
Sorry, ma'am. Brian's not in right now.
Oh, nuts. Do you mind if I wait?
- I used to work here. - I know who you are, ma'am.
Oh.
Sorry. Waiting's not permitted.
Oh, but isn't this a waiting room?
- Yeah. - But I can't wait here?
Correct.
Brian. It's okay. Never mind.
Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.
Beth.
Oh, my God. It's happening.
I just...
I wanna apologize for the way things end with us.
You seem a little nervous. Are you trembling?
The last time I saw you, you did threaten to murder me.
I did?
Brian, I am gonna kill you.
I will [Bleep] kill you. I'm gonna kill you.
Next time I see you, you're dead.
You're dead, Brian.
In hindsight, we probably should have cut away
to a commercial much, much faster.
I am so sorry. That was...
That was a horrible thing to say.
[Stammers]
"Thou shalt not commit murder."
It's the sixth commandment.
- It's also a felony. - Right. Right.
Oh, they should also have it in there
that thou shalt not even threaten murder.
I-I was in a really dark place back then, Brian.
I have completely stopped drinking.
I am changed.
Oh, and I brought you something.
Ha! It's a laser pointer.
Just a laser pointer, Brian.
Cats love 'em. I can see why.
Anyway, I stole it from the weather set.
I'm sorry. It's a violation of the eighth commandment.
I just... I would really love a few minutes of your time.
A few nonviolent minutes.
Please.
You do seem different.
And you don't smell like a pee-soaked ashtray anymore.
Thank you.
[Laughter]
Okay, hey, great game today, girls.
Pizza's on me.
[Cheers]
Everybody raise their glasses.
- A toast. - Maggie.
Ladies, you're winners.
Yeah, we are.
And you're ladies.
You're winning ladies, and that is why you won today's game!
[Cheers] Yeah!
There's an old native American proverb that I think
is particularly appropriate for this moment in time.
It goes, "lacrosse is a game that we invented."
Which is true.
- Huh. - Look it up.
They also invented totem poles.
Okay. I think that's enough.
What a great toast.
Your pizzas will be out in a minute.
[Indistinct chatter]
That was interesting.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Giggles]
[Chuckles] Look at her.
[Giggling]
[Sighs]
I want to do a five-minute segment of good news.
Happy stories about kids and animals and old people
doing things that people think old people shouldn't be doing.
You know, things that make you feel good.
News that... News that makes you happy.
And you know what I'd call it?
"Love, Beth."
Huh.
That might make a good fit for a segment
on the morning show.
Really? Ha!
Shazlam! [Laughs nervously]
I love the morning.
And now that I'm not drunk all the time,
I'm actually awake for a lot of it.
Please, Brian?
Please?
I really have turned my life around, I promise.
Well, you were popular,
and people love a good comeback story,
so let me just run it up the flagpole,
and I'll see what I can do.
For real?
Thank you.
Uh...
That's okay. That's okay.
Yeah. Thanks.
Okay, that's... that's... [Mouths words]
I was on the verge of landing the most prophet-y job
a prophet could get, and since my old workplace
was going to be my new workplace,
I thought I'd introduce myself around.
There's no way I can see him today.
Okay. Hey.
That's plenty. I'm all set, I'm all set.
Stand by.
Going to air in three, two...
Good news, Ohio. The next few days
are nothing but sun, sun, sun.
And you know what that means... Fun, fun, fun.
No. Don't tell me that right now.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't say that right now.
Please don't say that right now.
Why? Because everything's going so good.
We'll have mainly sunny skies across the city.
Oh. I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm talking with God,
and he/she is being really ridiculous right now.
No. In the northern part of Ohio.
Just stop. Stop yelling at me.
Shh, shh, no, no, no, no. Don't say that right now.
Oh, come on. Why do you always get
to call the shots when it's my ass on the line?
Lows tonight are gonna be in the upper 50s,
so it's not gonna be that cold
after all. Sorry. Sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
It is gonna rain tomorrow.
That's it. Bye, bye. Bye-bye.
Okay. Uh, don't know who that was,
but unless she has a meteorology degree, I can assure you
all sun tomorrow.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
It's just that I actually do have a meteorology degree,
and I have it on good authority,
the highest actually, that it is gonna rain tomorrow.
- [Laughs] - You didn't know that?
You see? Mom's not even here,
and she still finds a way to ruin my life a little bit.
I know how you feel,
but your mom's making a real effort, em.
Oh, my God, it's Beth.
- No, it isn't. - Um, yes, it is.
[Quietly] It isn't.
Ooh! [Shrieks]
- Yes, it is. - Oh, dear God.
I'm gonna see if I can find this online.
I know what it's like to get caught out in the rain
without an umbrella after a blowout,
so I want you all to be prepared.
Brian, I see you looking at those monitors,
and, no, I am not drunk.
I'm sorry. I'm thinking she's drunk
and denying she's drunk.
No, but when God talks through her, it looks a lot like drunk.
This cannot be happening.
I think it is, sweetheart.
Tom, could you cover up the patio furniture?
And, Emily, oh, I love you.
[Laughter]
Not drunk, not druk, not drunk.
- Hey, hey, Beth. - Tom!
Hey, Tom. Deja vu ten years later, huh?
Who'da thunk?
- How are the kids? - Great.
- How's Emily? - Good.
Great. Could you please tell him that I am not drunk?
- Beth doesn't drink anymore. - See?
Now she just talks to God.
Let's go, Beth.
I told you the world wasn't ready for you.
I know, but I'm trying to do what's right for Emily
and do God's work, but then he/she sabotages me like that.
Well, you might need to just do God's work
on the computer.
The computer? God is in the world.
Oh, honey, I'm glad you're here.
I'm so sorry about yesterday.
I wish you hadn't seen that, and if you had to see it,
I wish I hadn't been wearing green
against a green screen.
For the record, I liked it
when you were drunk and you ruined parties
and shared your ice cream with dogs.
Don't say that.
And for the last time, we weren't sharing it.
That dog stole my ice cream, and I stole it back.
Good story.
By the way, I'm meeting Riley at JP's.
I'm taking the car. Can you throw that away for me?
You are not taking the car,
and I am not lifting another finger
to earn your respect.
You should be trying to earn mine
after the way you ripped me in half on your way out.
Your head was so big, and I'm so small down there.
- That's disgusting. - That's a fact.
Another fact... Commandment number five:
"Thou shalt honor thy mother," so start doing it, biatch.
What? [Thunder rumbles]
Oh, my God.
You were right?
That's right. It's raining.
So get back in here, and give me those keys.
Fine!
[Gasps]
[Screams]
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
I bet Moses never had to deal with this crap.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ow. Swear jar, swear jar.
- Aah. - Okay.
- [Groans] - Okay.
Okay.
Court-mandated to ask,
was this a result of domestic violence?
- Totally. - But it was an accident.
I'm not gonna press charges right now.
Good, 'cause police involvement is a time suck,
and I am slammed.
Well, is she gonna be okay?
No.
The injury to her foot released a blood clot,
which is working its way her brain.
Oh, my God.
Mom, I'm so sorry, and I love you.
But I kid. It's just horrifically bruised.
Ice it every couple hours and stay off it.
Well, it's nice to hear that you love me
even if it is a death bed confession.
Well, you'd probably like it better if I wrote it
on a poster with glitter pen?
What? Yes.
- Of if I carved it in stone. - Yes. Yes. Yes.
I'd love both of those things.
Well, those things are never gonna happen.
- Darn it. - But we can work something out.
Ooh, goody.
[Shouting in native language]
Sir, I cannot understand you.
You need to speak more slowly.
And in English.
[Speaks in native language]
He reached down to pick up a rock,
and he suddenly got chest pains.
[Speaks in native language]
His arm is numb, and he has full-blown aids.
[Speaks in native language]
Aid. He needs aid. Immediately.
I'm so sorry I said full-blown.
I don't know why I did.
Nurse, get him an aspirin, take him to two.
- Right over here, sir. - Beth.
- That was remarkable. - Huh.
Do you speak a lot of languages?
Um... I can't say for sure.
I do a pretty mean Southern accent.
Would you mind coming in to help translate?
I will wait. I'm gonna wait.
[Southern accent] Sure, I'd be happy to help you out.
[Normal voice] Prophets of God have had many vocations.
Some are fishermen,
some are carpenters, and some are receptionists.
That's right.
Elliot was so impressed with my ability
to help that he offered me a job.
You would? And what day would that be?
Maybe I wouldn't reach millions of people
with my good news,
but one at a time,
I would offer love and assistance wherever I could.
Thank you.
- Beth. - Right... yes?
Can you help us for a second?
Can you hold that for one second?
Look for another animal, and I'll be right back.
I can't understand what he's saying.
Oh. Yeah.
- [Blathers] - Right.
Oh, it's not a different language.
His tongue is swollen.
- Good call. - Mm-hmm.
[Indistinct chatter]
- Oh, hey, guys. - Oh, hey.
We are dying to know,
did Hugh the hypochondriac come in today?
Yep, he was quite sure he had preeclampsia.
And when I told him it was something
only pregnant women can get,
he was convinced he had come down with a womb.
[Laughter] Good one.
Anyway, how was the game?
She brought a lot of personality to it.
Thank you. Thank you.
Mmhmm. Always does.
Also the assistant manager of the other team
asked for my number.
Ooh, pictures.
But what I liked best about my job
is that it gave me time away from my family,
which taught us how important it was
to honor our time together.
[Indistinct chatter, laughter]
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -