Now, health is important, and despite all my efforts,
my cholesterol is up.
And do you know who's responsible for that?
- The corporations. - No. My father.
He gave me bad genes as a hostile gesture.
(Polly) Oh. (Clattering)
Sandwich... check. Juice box... check.
Underwear... mom?
(Laughs) That's where those are. (Laughs)
We went to the Kesslers' for a wine tasting. Yeah.
And I used Natalie's lunchbox as a purse.
For a pop of color.
It was a conversation starter, tell you that.
Ooh, I got overheated.
Mm. Lovely.
Okay, new rule... How about we don't put underwear
in the same container that my daughter eats out of? (Whimpers)
Just for fun. Fine, but that does not sound fun.
Fine. "No panties in the lunchbox."
Happy? (Door opens and closes)
Hello? Hey.
I have two important pieces of information.
Number one... yes, Natalie's doll
was in the back of my truck,
and all of our lives are in danger.
Here we go. (Polly) Julian is compelled
by forces unknown to prepare for unlikely emergencies.
Oh, hey. I'm practicing
my hypothermia prevention techniques
in case my plane goes down over mount Everest.
(Chuckles) Hmm.
I ate the Shepherd's pie, but if you can fi...
He also has a man-crush on my stepfather Max,
which kind of explains his constant presence
in our house.
So, I spoke to your neighbor Sean,
and it seems that a large feline ripped his fence to hell
by crawling through metal mesh.
Now, there's a very good chance that it is a mountain lion,
which not only threatens pets, but humans, too.
How exciting!
So, I think that it is very unwise
for the girls to enter or exit
without being accompanied by a large male.
What about three little ones?
(Chuckles) Sorry. Go on.
Okay, first of all, lions are solitary animals.
It's not in their nature to attack populated habitats.
It is not a lion's modus operandi.
Well, so far. (Sips, mouth full) Mm. No. Not "so far."
These are the facts about lions.
Well, unless they're evolving.
(Normal voice) Into what?
Super lions.
♪
And, in the interest of Natalie learning
actual science... (Zips bag)
Okay. We're off to school.
Natalie. Oop. I think I'll go along.
(Laughs) It'll be fun.
Three girls going... Where are we going?
School. I know what's happening.
Take this girl with you. Take... take... take him.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
Another benefit of living with my folks
is their house is in a killer school district.
I love you. Have the best day.
Mwah! Ohh!
(Children shouting playfully)
Mm.
Do you see that?
Natalie's sitting with the crossing guard.
She just never hangs out with all the kids.
Well, can you blame her?
I mean, how can any of these kids help her with her career?
Just worried that she's having trouble making friends.
Mm. I did.
Oh, you had... friends.
For our next improv,
we will need an occupation and a location
from our audience.
Two acrobats and a dentist's office.
And a theater style.
Kabuki!
It's just that hanging out with you guys...
All the time made it a little difficult
for me to relate to kids my own age.
For my next improv, I need an occupation
and a location from the audience.
Get her! (Gasps)
And a theater style! (Girls shouting)
You were an amazing improviser.
Those kids didn't get you because they were Italian.
I just want Natalie to have a social life
that involves less sudden fleeing.
Though sudden fleeing is great cardio. Uh-huh.
See, now, those moms' kids all play together.
If I could get tight with them,
Natalie could hang with their kids. Oh...
And then Natalie would have awesome bonding adventures
like all the children in the cereal commercials.
You know, where they're, like, sliding down rainbows
and tricking the leprechaun.
Is "tricking the leprechaun" a colloquialism,
or are we talking about tricking a real leprechaun?
How could I be talking about that?
I don't know. I'm being supportive.
I just need to find, like, a natural-seeming way
to break the ice.
Ow!
What are you doing?
Tricking the leprechaun.
How have I become the leprechaun?
Fly, leprechaun, fly!
Fail flag. Okay? Leprechauns don't fly.
(Chuckles) Mm.
There those are.
I am Natalie's mom.
She's that little girl sitting right over there.
God, I love her so much.
I could just squeeze that little head until it pops.
(Laughs) But I don't. I don't pop her head.
So... no need to call the authorities.
I'm Polly. Hi. I'm Morgan.
Morgan was my favorite pretend name when I was a kid.
Second favorite... Desiree McCarthy.
(Laughs)
Hey, who was the lady who threw your glasses?
Oh, just some random crazy lady
that I have never seen in my entire life.
My daughter is terrific!
(Scoffs)
She thinks she's my mother. I blame the system.
♪
You'll never believe it.
Whatever it is, I bet I will.
Totally mom'd out so hard that Morgan had us over
for her little after-school playdate thingy.
I totally gathered some valuable intel
on this whole normal mom craze that's sweeping the nation.
And this is the playroom.
(Children shouting playfully) (Shutter clicking)
In my day, a playroom was a washable space
with an adult-sized swing.
Mm.
Hang on. I just need a moment to delete that image.
No. It is burned right in there.
(Breathes deeply) Morgan even cuts her sandwiches
into these, like, playful shapes.
Oh, and guess what the kids made.
Show her, nat. It's a ship in a bottle.
Also known as a craft. Hmm.
You did crafts.
You did witchcraft with my friend Gretchen.
Yeah. I learned a lot from her.
Mostly that witchcraft does not cure cancer.
Well...
(Growling loudly) Aah! Stop!
(Shouts indistinctly) Stupid inbred trailer trash!
(Cell phone rings)
(Whimpers)
Morgan is calling me... (Beeps)
At home.
What's up, mama?
No, I-I said "Morgan," not "mama."
Grandma can drain a bottle in five minutes
if you want to make another one of those.
(Playing violin) So I was wondering if you could host the next playdate.
Host the next playdate?
Are you using, um... (Max and Julian shouting indistinctly)
"Host" as in the, uh, standard definition,
as in in one's home?
Polly, here's your wacko ex-husband again. (Julian speaks indistinctly)
Know what he d... Honey, honey... (Julian) Oh...
He jumps on me right out of the blue... unbelievable.
Like he... like he's a mountain lion,
and he... and he broke skin.
(Groans) Look at the back of my... Where you going?
I was trying to prove to you
that if I was an actual mountain lion,
then you would be dead right now!
(Indistinct arguing) So do you think you could do it?
(Elaine) It's bad. I just think it would be a great opportunity
for Natalie to bond with the other girls
before Lacey's trip to Disneyland. (Max speaking indistinctly)
(Max) Okay, just try that. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Can totally do it. (Julian) You know what else?
(Max) Hmm? We have built houses in their natural habitat.
Their natural habit... I've been living here 20 years.
It's my natural habitat! Will you tell him? Mm-hmm.
(Elaine) It's his natural habitat. What's that noise?
(Julian) Whatever. Oh, it's just the TV.
I'm just watching a documentary about idiots!
Why are you calling us idiots?
(Whirring)
You know what's off-putting?
I asked you to restock the crackers,
but instead you're eating crackers
while writing on the box.
I'm making a list of food I need
for my guaranteed-to-be-flawless playdate.
It is all part of my master plan to make sure
that Natalie is a normal kid with normal friends.
Okay, you're making evil genius hands.
Mm. Why don't you just embrace your family's weirdness?
Take it into your arms
and stick your tongue down its throat,
'cause you're gonna be spending a lot of time together.
No. I refuse.
I will pull this off like a normal-ass mother.
My first order of business... Sandwiches.
In playful shapes. Mm.
Ooh. Maybe jenn can help.
Ooh. Why don't you ask her now,
while I'm paying you both to do other things?
Oh. Thank you.
Jenn is my hip young friend who prides herself
on never having used her phone to make a phone call.
What up, j-money?
Strugs, Polly.
Major strugs. (Sobbing)
Strugs?
(Chuckles) You're 25.
If you're having a bad day,
just take your clothes off and look in the mirror.
My boyfriend Indio isn't texting me back
because I'm not as "exciting" as margo.
Is there any chance that you'll help me
with my playdate tomorrow?
Sure, why not? (Exhales)
My life is over.
I might as well just throw in the towel
and... make sandwiches for tiny douche bags.
Super attitude.
(Crying)
♪
Hold on, look at this. Look at the putz check the fence,
as if I don't check the fence. I check my fence, Elaine.
What is your problem with him?
My pr...
Yeah. From the moment we met,
he set the tone with a hostile gesture.
This is my stepfather Max.
It's a real pleasure.
Yeah. (Exhales)
So, what...
(Moans)
That was deliberate.
He was putting me on notice oedipally.
He was not putting you on notice. He was.
He can't even put his shirt on right side out.
Look at him. Look at him stepping on the bougainvillea. Polly and Natalie
are living here now. (Stammers)
Julian is Natalie's father. He's here too much. They're divorced.
He's gonna be around a lot. He's... he's around too much.
No, I need you to make an effort with him.
I can't take the tension!
Look! Yeah, what? I don't have my glass...
What? What is that? Wh...
(Cell phone rings) What, is your head on fire?
What... okay.
(Beeps) Max green.
Hey, dad? Uh, I need help.
(Clattering)
I... uh...
Wh-what does it say?
(Beeping)
(Exhales) Check out the craft
I got for the playdate.
You put a caterpillar into this, uh,
shrub-filled enclosure,
then, bing-bang-boom, out comes a butterfly. (Snaps fingers)
(Beeping) Yeah, that's right. Two weeks later,
they are still thinking about my playdate.
Suck it, ship in a bottle.
What the hell is anyone talking about?
Our doing this fakakta playdate here at the house
'cause either Natalie needs friends,
or Polly never had friends.
What do you mean, Polly never...
You never had friends?
Why am I just hearing about this?
You know, there's gonna be four kids and their moms.
There will be a craft, there will be a snack.
All you guys have to do is be normal for two hours.
"Be normal."
A playdate? Here?
Okay. In case you haven't noticed,
this backyard is a potential kill zone.
And we've started our list of words to avoid.
"Kill," "zone."
Okay. (Exhales)
Well, I would just double-check
because if any of the moms are menstruating,
that mountain lion will detect it from 2 Miles away.
And "menstruating" makes the board.
So... (Grunts)
(Breathing heavily) Don't worry. We can be normal.
Seems so simple, doesn't it? And yet you're
wildly pumping your legs while wearing loose underwear
in a recumbent position.
It's the male organ. Do not shame it.
Think of this as an acting challenge.
You're normal people in a normal environment
doing normal things.
Okay, relax. We know how important this is to you.
We can pull this off.
(Stilted voice) Look, honey, I'm making supper!
(Stilted voice) And I'm driving a minivan.
Yes, yes. More of this. Max, where are you driving?
Uh, I'm driving to the market,
where I'm gonna get flowers for my beau-tee-ful wife.
While I make a pot roast for my black lover.
(Laughs)
(Dog barks in distance, knock on door)
So I put a butterfly thingy together to practice.
Nailed it!
Oh, and F.Y.I., mom, there's a jar of caterpillars
in the fridge, so if you have
any sleeping pill-induced night eating, be aware.
If they're in the fridge, they're fair game.
(Laughs) (Max laughs)
Good night. (Door closes)
This has "flop" written all over it.
Big neon letters.
She is becoming an over-parenting... yes.
Peanut allergy-obsessing... Yes.
Germaphobic fascist. Absolutely.
Playdates should be organic, not scripted.
Yep.
"Eat the sandwich.
Don't eat the caterpillars."
(Laughs) That's confusing.
Of course. It's boring! I hate it.
Yeah. You gotta do something, Elaine.
Something big.
Mm-hmm.
♪
(Clattering)
(Mutters)
(Clattering)
Okay, look, whoever's here, I think you should know
that I've been trained in stage combat.
(Animal yowls loudly)
(Panting)
(Beeps)
Julian, it's Max. It was here.
The mountain lion, you idiot. Now listen to me.
We have a bunch of 6-year-olds coming here tomorrow,
and Polly will frown on one of them being carried off
in the jaws of a jungle cat, you understand?
Good.
Uh, jenn, you are the appetizer fairy.
Or goddess. Or some form of, uh...
Hors d'oeuvres-related celestial figure.
Thank you.
(Lisping) I got my tongue pierced. See?
Cut to me screaming inside my head.
I wanted Indio to know that I'm as exciting as margo.
Oh.
Oh, it's supposed to make your tongue
more stimulating... sexually.
How much more stimulating does a tongue have to be?
Psst!
If you want to keep your relationship exciting,
Pierce his tongue next time. (Laughs)
Without warning.
(Children speaking indistinctly)
Okay, I'm seeing a stepladder,
I'm seeing fabric,
I'm seeing all the way up your dress.
I have a wonderful plan.
On the outside, outside chance
that your butterfly craft, um, is a snooze,
I have a backup.
We hang some curtains,
paint the kids' faces,
scare up some bamboo hats.
Ta-da! We perform "madame butterfly."
Feeds right into your original theme.
That is not a craft.
Well, it is when I do it.
No. No, no, no. There will be no backup.
I specifically want to do what I specifically want to do,
which is a normal craft in a box.
Boxes are boring.
That's why people always .
Oh, well, maybe if you thought inside the box
while I was growing up,
I wouldn't be starting my life over at 32.
I am trying to help you.
Don't. I-if you want to help, help in small ways.
You could be an accent.
Like, uh, oregano in a marinara sauce.
There's a reason there's no such thing as oregano sauce.
Because it's crazy.
I am not an accent.
I am an entree.
I'm tired of being blamed for your entire childhood.
You left this house when you were 18.
You've had plenty of time to fix whatever I screwed up.
Clearly not. Oh, and by the way,
I had to see you in "madame butterfly" 19 times.
I give you a soft 7.
How dare you!
The "Philadelphia gazette" called me...
"Enthralling."
That's it.
I'm done.
Then why are you still hanging the curtains?
So I can do this.
Good luck on your normal (Bleep) Playdate.
(Mothers gasp)
This is so fun! Right? Who wants grapes?
Yes, please. I want some.
(Rustling, animal chittering)
(Sets bottle down)
(Whispering) Okay. Okay. (Whispering) Where you going?
You might have to flank me. (Normal voice) Ow.
Oh...
(Breathes deeply)
(Whispering) What? I-I...
So we'll build the cage, and then, before you know it,
your little caterpillar will be...
(Shuddering) Ha-a-ahh...
(Children) Ew!
Ew! Ew!
I didn't realize how hairy and slimy and cree...
Oh.
Okay. Yay, surprises!
Um, anyway, let's just grab our two plates,
which we've made our gorgeous designs on,
and staple... Them together, thus...
(Stapler clicking) Thus...
Okay, it appears someone has used up all the staples.
♪
(Clicking)
(Smoke alarm beeping)
What's that, mommy?
It's a snack alarm.
(Girl speaks indistinctly) "Snack, snack, snack!"
Ew! (Screaming)
Jenn?
Ahh!
(Beeping continues)
Oh, great! Blood!
(Lisping) In retrospect, I don't think
that I should have pierced it myself.
(Sighs) Screw it. I'll just order pizza.
(Screaming continues)
(Girl shouts indistinctly)
♪
(Pops)
(Elaine) Ladies and gentlemen...
Now, on the main stage...
Oh, dear God.
The improvisational comedy stylings of...
Elaine green!
(Cheering) All right, everybody, settle down, please.
I'm gonna need...
A place and a job.
A Booger at Disneyland!
(Giggling) A Booger at Disneyland.
(Girl) Yeah!
Polly, join us on the stage!
Mmm... no. Mnh-mnh. (Girl) Yeah!
(Cheers and applause)
(Giggling and murmuring)
Booger at Disneyland.
Um... (Clears throat)
Who sneezed me out and how did I wind up on space mountain?!
(Laughter) Yeah!
A... mouse at a disco.
Uh... (Dance music playing)
(Laughter and applause)
♪
(Cheering)
I wasn't running because I was scared.
It... (Gasps) No...
It just... wow. Oh, God.
No, I... look. We were startled.
That's a normal human reaction. That's right.
And don't even worry about pushing me down.
(Whooshes) It's just, I mean, they have fangs
and... and claws. I know.
We're not talking about a gerbil here.
(Chuckles) No.
Hey, look, I'm just glad we got this...
(Pops)
(Woman) ♪ "l" is for the way...
"Want a shot, Polly?" Yes, I do.
Thank you for asking.
So here's a toast to me, the playdate...
Ahh! And my mom and I coming together
to do something fantastic.
Uh-oh.
♪ Extraordinary
(water splashing) ♪ "e" is even more...
(Door opens, knock on door)
Mom, I saw your journal.
Which you left open in the front hall
with arrows pointing to the question.
I'm clever, aren't I?
I love that about myself.
Look, I don't think that...
You were a bad mother.
I'm just worried that I'm gonna screw everything up.
(Laughs) Oh, you are.
You can screw everything up,
and still have a daughter who turns out amazing.
Thank you.
No, I'm talking about my mother and me. (Chuckles)
I mean, you are in the mix. (Laughs)
I think that we should both feel really good
about ourselves right now. Mm.
And even if we shouldn't, I'm going to.
And I didn't mean that about "madame butterfly."
You were perfect.
Oh, honey!
Oh. Okay. Mmm...
Mmm. I was perfect.
(Laughs)
See? If you lived with your parents,
you could have a beautiful moment with your naked mother.
Uhh. Oh. That's great.
(Laughs) That's great.
Uhh. Ooh! (Laughing)
You know, you really came through for Polly.
I am very proud of you. Aw.
And thank you for trying with Julian.
Oh. Julian the putz with his mountain lion fantasies.
I kept telling him there are no mountain lions in this area. I know.
Right?
You're my mountain lion.
Ooh. Mark your territory.
Mwah! Mwah!
(Growling)
Mmm.
(Continues growling)
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/