♪ l would like to leave this city
♪ This old town don't smell too pretty
♪ l can feel the warning signs running around my mind
♪ So, what do you say?
♪ You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
♪ Half the world away
♪ l've been lost, l've been found, but l don't feel bad
♪ Darling, happy anniversary
Surprise!
l can't believe it. Thanks so much, everyone, we never expected this.
Shall we practise it one more time?
We've practised it three times already. Turn the lights off, they'll be here soon.
- Ssh! - (Music oM
Hey, where have your mam and dad gone to, Denise?
Oh, well...
Do you know the new Italian that's opened up on Talbot Street - La Dolce Vita?
Yeah.
Well, the Chinese chippie opposite there.
You know the one that's open 24 hours?
Oh, Wok Around The Clock?
l'm missing The One Show for this.
Hey, Joe, what did you get my mam and dad for their anniversary?
Well, as it's their Golden Wedding anniversary,
Mary got a golden-coloured egg cup for the both ofthem from the pound store.
What about you, Cheryl, what did you get them?
Oh, the bottom layer of a box of Milk Tray.
Ah.
What about you, Anthony?
l'm just giving them 500 quid so they can go away on holiday.
500?
We're giving them money, Ant.
Nice one. How much?
- 20 quid. - 20.
Anthony...
..could we put our money with yours?
Cos l'm just thinking, it would mean more to them, you know, if it came off both of us.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
lt's from us and the kids.
Mainly the kids. You know, from their money boxes.
We're teaching them how to share.
How's work, Ant?
Not bad, cheers, Joe.
l've been in Congleton all week.
- Oh! - Congleton?
- l'd love to go to Congleton. - l'd love to go to Congleton
- l'd like to live in Congleton. - Have you been to Congleton?
No.
- l've been to Congleton. - What's it like?
l don't know. l was meant to be in Crewe.
How come you've not brought your girlfriend, Anthony?
Oh, aye, yeah. Where's Sas...kia?
She don't want to come here any more.
Last time she was here, Dad just sat in his vest and Y-fronts. He wouldn't put his pants on.
- Is that when he had a septic testicle? - Yeah.
l wouldn't have minded, but he left it resting on the remote control to breathe.
Does anyone mind if l have a scotch egg?
No.
Hey, Cheryl, you look slimmer behind that curtain.
Thanks, Denise. l'm on a new diet.
- Are you? - Yeah, fruit only detox at the moment.
l've had three bananas for my breakfast, a tin of fruit salad for my dinner
and for my tea l had two chocolate oranges.
And a cherry bakewell for afters.
l don't know where you get the willpower from, Cheryl.
BARBARA: Jim!
They're here. They're here. Sssh!
- Stop shouting. - Anthony.
Sssh!
JOE: The One Show's finished now. - Get down.
- Joe, get back in. - l can see your hands, Denise.
- l can see your head. - Sssh!
Stop bobbing up.
JIM: We didn't get a bloody thing off our Anthony, the tight little git!
And the other two, Denise and Dave,
they're round here every bloody night till our anniversary.
Then there's no sign of the bloody ungrateful gits!
Sssh!
And we never even got a card offthem shithouses next door.
♪ Darling, happy anniversary
Surprise!
(Laughter)
l had an idea something like this was planned.
That's why l was having a laugh out there pretending to slag you all off,
outside before we came in.
Hello, son.
Hello, Cheryl. Lovely to see you.
Oh, Denise, come on.
Give your old dad a hug.
Happy anniversary, Mam.
JOE: Shall l come out now?
Bloody hell, it's Joe! Just give yourself another hour there.
Come on out and have a drink. How are you, Joe?
Nice to see you, Joe.
Order, please. Order. Thank you.
l'd like to make a toast to my mam and dad on their 50th wedding anniversary.
lt was 50 years ago that my dad carried my mam across that threshold.
And he's not lifted a bloody finger in this house ever since, the lazy little git!
Are you having that one, Dave?
Nice one. l'll give you that one.
So could everybody please raise their glasses,
on their 50th wedding anniversary,
to my mam and dad, Jim and Barbara?
- Ahhh! - Jim and Barbara.
Jim and Barbara.
l now declare the buffet open.
JIM: Wooh! Lovely!
l did it.
Oh, it's lovely, Denise.
Oh, look at the cake.
- Look at that, Jim. - Mam and Dad.
ln't it clever?
l'm now gonna slice your faces up.
l'll come and help you.
Top-ups, please, Dave.
There you go, James.
So, Anthony, Congleton, eh?
Yeah.
ls that where you do your computing?
Yeah.
ls that where they keep these computers, then, in Congleton?
Well, yeah, some ofthem, Joe. Yeah.
And how big are these computers?
Well, it depends, Joe.
That's mine there.
Where?
- There. - What, in that bag?
Yeah.
A computer...
..in a bag?
Well...yeah, Joe, yeah.
Yeah!
ln a bag?
JIM: Come on, Dave, get the old bottle going.
- All right, Cheryl? - Hi, Ant.
How's the job hunting going?
Fine.
l've got a job interview for Thornton's next week.
Head of Truffles.
Head of Truffles? That's good, Cheryl.
lt's the third time l've applied, so...
fingers crossed.
Well, l hope you get it.
Yeah, l think l stand a good chance.
l'm friends with one ofthe girls who works there, Dawn. She's Head of Nougat.
JOE: Computer in a bag! - How do you know her?
l know her from...
from um...
..from going in there all the time.
Oh.
lt's a black bag, so big,
with a pocket on the front, a handle on the top.
And it's...
That's it there.
- A computer in a bag. - Yeah?
A computer in a bag?
Nah.
A computer in a bag?
There's still a little bit more buffet, Cheryl.
Thanks, Barbara.
l love these puffs.
Joe, l know it's a bit of a delicate subject,
but how's Mary, is she any better?
Nah. She's like a leaky tap, Barbara.
Oh.
She goes through Tena Ladies like l go through tea bags.
Poor Mary!
She had an accident in John Lewis.
They did look after her.
You know, they made her a cup oftea and sat her down for ten minutes...
in one oftheir paddling pools.
Aww!
Well, they pride themselves, don't they, on customer service at John Lewis?
lf you were gonna wet yourself anywhere,
you'd wet yourself in John Lewis.
Absolutely.
(tapping of glass)
Denise!
lf l could just have your attention, please.
lt was just over 50 years ago when Cupid fired the arrow which matched me...
with the loveliest girl in the neighbourhood.
Ahh!
But unfortunately, after a couple ofweeks, she gave me the elbow
and l ended up with her best mate, Barbara.
(Jim laughs)
No, no, no.
Seriously, Barb, here's to...
50 years of happy marriage.
50 years!
ALL: 50 years!
l'd like to make a speech.
BARBARA: Ooh!
Yeah.
Behind every man is a good woman.
And Barbara is a good woman.
Hear hear.
lf every man had a Barbara, then the world would have more Barbaras.
To more Barbaras!
JIM: Aye, yeah. - More Barbaras?
More Barbaras.
To more Barbaras.
And, God willing, l hope we're here to celebrate Jim and Barbara's anniversary
in another 50 years from now.
JIM: (Unconvincingly) Oh, aye, yeah.
Hear hear.
And as new love turns to old and the years fade away,
and we all return to the arms ofthe Good Lord above...
Oh.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
in sure and certain hope ofthe Resurrection.
Bloody hell, Joe!
This is a party, not a bloody wake, son!
Bloody hell! The Resurrection?
Mam, you make a speech.
No!
(Chants) Barbara! Barbara!
Barbara! Barbara!
All right, all right.
All right.
Well...
l can't believe that it's over 50 years since l first met your dad at the town hall dance.
Aww!
Do you remember that, Jim?
As though it was only yesterday.
l was just getting my coat at the end ofthe night.
And he tapped me on the shoulder and asked me for the last waltz.
Aww!
And we started to dance, and it was the most romantic moment of my life.
And then the bouncers dragged him off.
He'd been distracting young girls while his mate robbed their coats.
(Laughter)
Hang on.
Nothing was ever proved.
♪ l wonder, should l go or should l stay?
Go on, Joe.
♪ The band had only one song left to play
Come on, Barbara, let's roll back the years, kid.
♪ Then l saw her out the corner of my eye
♪ A little girl alone and so shy
ALL: # l had the last waltz with you
♪ Two lonely people together
♪ l fell in love with you
♪ The last waltz should last forever
♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la
JOE: All together!
♪ l had the last waltz with you...
Tomorrow it's the same story as today...
JIM: 100, 200...
300...
400...
490...
500...
and that there makes f520,
for a never more deserving father than Mr James Randolph Royle, Esquire.
That money's for both of us, remember, Jim.
Yeah, well...
l'm gonna split it in half.
I You can have that half and l'll have this little half, eh?
(Chuckles)
Ohh!
l tell you what, our Anthony's turned out to be a smashing lad, hasn't he?
Yeah.
Do you know what, Barb? He's generous to a fault. He's just like meself.
Not like the other two bloody tight-arses, Denise and Dave.
f20 for 50 years of marriage?
lt works out at 40p a bloody year.
Don't be so ungrateful, Jim.
What about Cheryl, the bottom layer of a box of bloody chocolates?
And the jewel in the crown,
one golden egg cup off Mary, the Trevi Fountain from next bloody door.
Leave it, Jim.
l mean, one bloody egg cup, Barb!
What happens ifwe both want an egg at the same time?
l'll have to sit and wait while you finish dipping your soldiers
before l can put my egg in the golden egg cup.
You can have first turn on the golden egg cup.
l don't want first turn ofthe golden egg cup.
l want my own golden egg cup for my own egg.
Give over, Jim!
ls it too much to ask that we can both have a boiled egg at the same time
after 50 years of marriage, Barbara?
(Door bell)
Get that, will you? That'll be the great money box bloody robbers.
(Mutters) Bloody box!
DENISE: Hiya, Mam.
- Hiya, Dave. - Hiya, Barbara.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Dad's in a mood, though.
DAVE: Not still about the golden egg cup?
Grr.
- Hiya, Dad. - Hiya, Denise.
Hiya, Jim.
Hiya, Dave.
lt sounds like the plot to a Famous Five adventure.
l read them all as a kid.
Have you had your teas?
Yeah.
What did you have?
Roast chicken.
Roast chicken?
Crisps.
l had smoky bacon, Barbara.
Aww!
l gave the kids tomato flavour.
You know, towards their five a day.
Oh, Denise, aren't you good?
Well, if l left it to them, they'd eat any old rubbish.
Yeah.
- Dave? - Mm?
Would you buy your mam and dad one golden egg cup?
Well...l might do, because...
they could share the soldiers and put the egg in the middle
and just take turns dipping.
Take turns dipping?
You're joking, aren't you?
We've been married 50 bloody years and you want us to take turns dipping?
Have a word with yourself, Dave. Take turns dipping?
Gary Barlow on The One Show, next.
Oh, look, The One Show's coming on.
l love The One Show.
lt's great, The One Show.
The One Show is the No.1 show.
♪ One, diddly-doo, doo
(High-pitched) # One!
How's your mum and dad, Dave?
Oh, smashing, yeah.
l spoke to them earlier. They're staying in tonight, watching...
watching er...
What's it called, now?
The One Show.
Oh.
lt's a pity Twiggy couldn't make it last night.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's like a tortoise in the winter.
Only, he hibernates in Strangeways every year.
Well, he reckons it's the best time to be inside.
He says the money he saves on his heating bills
helps to pay for his summer holidays.
Yeah.
Has she gone back now, his last Thai bride?
Yeah.
She was no good, that one.
Remember when he brought her to visit for Sunday dinner?
l mean, fair play, she made a lovely job ofthe privets.
But she ummed and ahed for bloody hours about taking the wasps' nest out.
She did, yeah.
And she never replaced that jar of Sudocrem that she used on her stings.
No, l know.
And l needed that. l used to rub that into my Jeremy Kyles.
She pulled a face when you asked her to do that, didn't she, Jim?
She was no good, her.
He's got another one on order for when he comes out.
Oh, has he? Well.
Third time lucky, then.
He's always been a fool for love, has our Twiggles.
Yeah.
Hey, Joe was on good form last night, wasn't he?
Oh, yeah.
He fell asleep on the settee, in the end.
- Did he? - Yeah, couldn't wake him.
l had to leave him there.
l think he had a bit of an accident in the night.
When l came down this morning, he was drying the cushions in front ofthe fire.
Bloody hell, Barb, you never told me that.
He had the gas fire on?
ls it only bloody Cheryl in that house with any bladder control?
(Laughter)
Hey, have you decided where you're gonna go with your anniversary money?
Tomorrow l'm gonna toodle off down to Curry's,
where l shall purchase a Sky HD box.
Dad, that money was for a romantic holiday.
Do you know, l've only had one holiday in my life.
And that was a week for our honeymoon in Ormskirk.
- Do you remember it, Jim? - Yeah.
That's when you got your little Jim stuck in your zip.
(Jim guffaws)
Yeowwh!
Do you remember?
lt had a life of its own in them days, Barb.
He was in casualty for four hours, you know, Denise.
- Was he? - Yeah.
Tell you what, a lovely little nurse mended it for me, Dave.
She said, ''That's gonna need two stitches in it.''
But you know, by the time she'd finished messing round with it,
it needed five.
Now, you know what l mean, Dave.
l'd love to go abroad.
Yeah.
To Spain or Portugal or the Bermuda Triangle.
Somewhere lovely like that.
Bloody hell, Barb, you're not Michael Palin.
What's wrong with this country?
l've heard a lot about the north-south divide.
l fancy going there.
The north-south divide, Dave? Where's that, then?
l don't know, but apparently you can see it from space.
- Oh! - Can you, balls!
That's Hadrian's Wall, you silly git!
Do you know where l fancy going?
Yves Saint-Laurent.
Oh, Denise, that sounds gorgeous!
Where's that, then?
lt's in France, in the...
in the north, or the other one.
Where all the nice chateaus are.
Chateau, my arse!
Hey, Dave, where was it last year that your mum and dad went and really enjoyed it?
Jodrell Bank.
Did they like it, Dave?
They liked it for the first week,
but they said, after a fortnight, it got a bit samey.
Where are they going this year, Dave?
Wyevale.
- The garden centre? - Yeah.
- We're going abroad. - Bloody hell.
What's wrong with this country, love?
There's people queuing up to get in and you can't wait to get out.
What am l gonna say to the Social ifthey see me in a sombrero
and a donkey under my blinking arm?
Jim, for once in my life, l am putting my foot down.
And we are going to spend our 50th wedding anniversary abroad!
And that is that!
How many miles is it to Prestatyn now, David?
According to the sat nav, it's 95 kilometres.
l never thought l'd see this in my lifetime,
a car being driven by a sat nav.
The sat nav's not driving the car, Barbs. Dave's driving the bloody car.
Dave's never drove in kilometres before, have you, Dave?
- No. - What's it like, Dave?
Well, to me, it feels like just the same as driving in miles.
You do it very well, Dave.
Bloody kilometres! It's them bloody Europeans pissing everything about, isn't it?
Bloody kilometres! Now everything's that much further away.
No wonder it takes us longer to get anywhere.
Would you like a Tic Tac, Dave?
No, thanks, Barbara, l'm still full from the breakfast.
SAT MAV_. After 400 metres, keep right.
After 400 metres, keep right.
ln't it clever how she knows exactly where we're going, and we only decided on Friday?
Oh, aye, yeah.
l think it's maybe women's intuition.
(Horn blares)
- Oooh! - Bloody hell, Dave! What happened?
He cut me up, didn't he?
The stupid git! Flash him, Dave, flash him!
Oh, that's bloody told him, that has.
He'll think twice before he does that again.
You waved your bloody wipers at him and squirted water on your bloody windscreen!
lt's Twiggy's car, in't it? They're on a different side in my van.
Hey, look what Twiggy's got in here.
- What? - A disabled badge.
l tell you what. He doesn't give a bloody toss, him, does he?
How bloody low can you stoop? A disabled badge.
Hey, Dave, we'll be able to park anywhere we bloody like in Prestatyn with that.
Oh, yeah! (Chuckles)
The holiday's already started for me, Dave. l'm on the old loopy juice.
Oh, yes.
SAT MAV_. After 200 metres, keep left.
After 200 metres, keep left.
Dave, first thing in the morning, we get up nice and early, 1 1 o'clock, half 1 1 .
Full English breakfast - bacon, egg, sausage, beans, tomato, mushrooms, black pudding...
- You did bring the black pudding, Barb? - Yeah.
Then when Barbs is washing the dishes,
me and you will go and sort out the local social club for a few pints.
Oh-ho!
l will get the first drink in, then you can get the rest in, OK?
Then we'll go back to the caravan for a bit of a light lunch.
Nothing too heavy, a little corned beef hash
and maybe a couple of dumplings, eh, Barb?
Yeah.
Can l have eggy bread for breakfast, please, Barbara?
Eggy bread, Dave?
Bloody hell, it's Barbara's bloody holiday as well.
Of course you can have eggy bread, Dave.
What is it?
Well, it's a slice of bread...
that's been marin-in-nated on both sides in raw egg,
and then fried up in a frying pan.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Do you know, l think l might have some eggy bread.
Mam, can l have eggy bread as well?
Yeah.
Go on, then, l'll have eggy bread as well.
Hee-hee!
Do you know, if anyone had told me 50 years ago when l got married,
that one day l'd be going on a holiday with my lovely family and having eggy bread,
l'd never have believed them.
SAT MAV_. Ahead, keep left.
(Mimics voice) Ahead, keep left.
- Hasn't she got a nice voice? BARBARA: Yeah.
How far now, Dave?
91 kilometres.
Bloody hell, l could do with a piss.
Didn't you have one before you set off?
- Yeah. - Well, what do you want one now for?
Bloody hell, Barbara, who are you, the piss police?
SAT MAV_. After 400 metres, keep left.
Hey, Barb, you can get that job as the sat nav voice.
We're that desperate to hear the back of you, you'd get there in halfthe time.
Cheeky!
(All sing along to radio)
♪ Sun is in the sky, oh, why, oh, why
♪ Would l wanna be anywhere else?
♪ Sun is in the sky, oh, why, oh, why
♪ Would l wanna be anywhere else?
♪ Sun is in the sky, oh, why, oh, why
♪ Would l wanna be anywhere else?
♪ Sun is in the sky, oh, why, oh, why
♪ Would l wanna be anywhere else?
SA_ MmVl_. A_er 1 OO metres, keep right.
- Good company, in't she? - Yeah.
Dave, will you stop flirting with the sat-nav lady?
l'm only being polite.
You're not, Dave. You're flirting with her.
When l ask you to do something, you um and ah about it.
She asks you to do something and you do it straightaway.
Don't be daft!
Turn her off, Dave.
l don't know about turning her off, l think she's turning him on.
Leave him alone. It's the least he can do after all the help she's given us.
She has got a really sexy voice, though, Dave,
l'll give you that, son.
She reminds me of someone, you know.
She reminds me of Beverly Macker.
Jim.
l bet you wouldn't mind her guiding you in, eh?
Again.
(Jim chuckles)
Dad, will you leave Beverly Macker out of it?
We're on our holidays.
How much further? l'm bursting. You'll have to pull up on the hard shoulder.
There is no hard shoulder here.
Are you gonna give the kids a ring, Denise?
No, l'll...
l'll send them a postcard when we get there.
Will you buy one for me, Dave?
Yeah.
Will you write it for me, Mam?
Yeah.
Will you post it for me, Dad?
Yeah.
Ah.
They're gonna be really made up, getting a postcard off me.
You never ever stop being a mother, do you?
No, no.
(Water flowing into container)
Oh, Jim, don't be so disgusting!
Dad!
lt's Dave's bloody fault, he wouldn't stop.
Shit, now l've gone and spilt it.
Oh, Jim, not on our holidays!
l tell you what, it's a bloody good job it's a two-litre bottle.
Jim, you are revolting.
DENISE: ''Welcome to Happyside.
Happyside Holiday Park is affectionately known as the Pearl of Prestatyn.
Oooh!
Known for its Welsh hospitality, come and take a sample.
The complex...''
Complex?
''..boasts a variety of facilities, including a children's sand pit filled with Welsh sand...''
Welsh sand?
''..our five-pin bowling alley,
and a partially-stocked shop.''
A partially-stocked shop!
Five-pin bowling!
''For the hungry beavers amongst you,
the Hungry Beaver carvery prides itself on having all three meats on at any one time.''
Oh, all three meats!
l told you. What did you need to go abroad for?
''Trips out to nearby attractions include the miniature golf course,
the model railway centre and the miniature village.''
Bloody hell, Denise, is there anything full-sized?
l bet you Ronnie Corbett's got a time-share at Happyside.
''A wooden ramp is available for all our disabled friends on request.
However, 24 hours' notice is required.''
They think of everything at Happyside, don't they?
lt's the dog's bollocks by the sound of it.
Yeah.
''Please note, all the above...
amenities...
are available throughout the season,
up until the end of October,
when the park winds down for the winter months.''
- What? - What?
''However, the kiddies' club, hosted by Peter Pirate and his Purple Parrot Percy,
is open throughout the year.''
Bloody hell, Denise! Is that all we've got to look forward to,
at the Pearl of pissing Prestatyn?
Sitting in a Welsh sandpit with Peter the Pirate and Percy, his Purple Pissing Parrot? Hell!
SAT NAV: Go left up the roundabout. Second exit.
Which one's the second?
That bloody one in front of you, you dopey sod!
- Which one? - The bloody left one!
Which left?
Your left, my left, everyone's bloody left!
Here, to the left! Where the lights are.
''Happyside Park, turn left.''
- Look at the bloody thing. SAT MAV_. Take the exit.
- This one? - Yes!
SAT MAV_. You have reached your destination.
(Groans)
To the left a bit, Dave, then up.
That's it. That's it.
No, it's bloody gone again.
Dave, stop waving the bloody thing about.
You're not conducting the Philharmonic Orchestra.
That's it!
No-o-o.
Higher, Dave.
Higher, higher.
Even higher. Go on.
Higher, Dave.
(Cheering)
What's that like?
Dave, higher. Higher!
lt's raining out here.
Don't worry about that. That's perfect.
(Groans)
Forget it, Dave, you're bloody useless.
lf you want anything doing here, do it your bloody self.
Barb, get up there, love.
Why don't we just switch it off and make conversation?
Switch the television off and have a bloody conversation?
Yeah.
l haven't travelled 95 kilometres to the Pearl of bloody Prestatyn
to have a conversation l could've had 95 kilometres back the other bloody way.
l'm going for a shite.
Charming.
- l've been baking it since bloody Runcorn. - Eugh, Jim!
Bloody hell, l don't know.
No bloody toilet paper here, Barb.
l'll go and get some.
- Have we got a picture yet? - Dad!
Shut that door!
l can't get my bloody knees in, can l?
l don't know about visiting a bloody miniature village, l think we're living in the bugger.
Have we got a picture yet?
No.
(Chuckles) Bloody hell, here you are.
There's a picture of Cilla Black with Dale Winton.
Hasn't she got any straight mates?
Every time you see her, she's on the arm of some poof!
There's another one here with Paul O'Grady. (Chuckles)
She's like the Pied Piper of poofters, isn't she, Cilla?
- l don't believe it. - What's wrong, Mam?
There's no chip pan.
No chip pan?
- No chip pan? - No chip pan?
There must be one somewhere.
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Surely they don't expect you to spend a week in the Pearl of Prestatyn without a chip pan?
What are we gonna do?
Well...
l could make us all jacket potatoes.
(Cries of protest)
Jacket potatoes on our holidays in the Pearl of bloody Prestatyn?
You want to have a bloody word with yourself.
(Mutters) Jacket bloody potatoes?
Jacket potatoes?
l can't think of anything worse.
DENISE: Hey.
They've got a picture on their telly next door.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
Come and have a look, Dave.
Ooh, it's The One Show.
♪ One, diddly-doo, doo
♪ One!
Who's on it?
Erm...l think it's the Hairy Bikers.
Oh, no.
No, it's Trinny and Susannah.
'Ey, Jim, they're having chops for their tea next door.
DAVE: And they're having mash with it.
Ooh.
They mustn't have a chip pan, either.
No.
Oh, he's putting tomato sauce on his chop now.
Tomato sauce on his bloody chop? The ignorant bloody pigs!
DAVE: l wish that was my chop.
BARBARA: l wish it was my chop.
DENISE: l wish that was my chop.
Are they having any veg with that, Barb?
- Yeah, peas. - Peas.
l'd be having peas as well, if l was them.
They've seen us!
Get down, Dave.
See what they're doing now, Dave.
What are they doing, Dave?
Staring at me.
They're staring at you? The nosy buggers!
Just show them your arse, Dave.
They've shut the curtains now.
Take no bloody notice ofthe nosy buggers.
Any luck with the old telly, Dave?
No, still no picture.
l've got a right bloody picture here ofthe other snivelling, supercilious little sod,
Piers bloody Morgan.
- l tell you what. - (Rips paper)
l won't be needing any bloody toilet paper now, Barb.
Six!
- Oh. - Six it is.
- Six, Dave. - Yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Right. Ha-ha! l'm gonna have a guess!
(Scottish accent) There's been a murder.
JIM: Fire away, Miss Marple.
l think...it's Mr Plums...
lt's not ''Mr Plums,'' Barb. It's Professor Plum.
Mr Plums was the strip-o-gram we had down at the Feathers.
Oh, yeah, he was.
He studied all his bloody life to be a professor
and you've now got him down as a bloody strip-o-gram.
All right.
Professor Plums...
..in the library with the rope.
Well, you're wrong - because l've got the library.
Ah-ha-ha!
There's been a murder!
Now...lnspector Royle...
..is about to have a guess.
There's been a murder!
l've thoroughly exhausted my line of enquiry...
..and l'm pleased to announce that the murderer is none other than...
(Mimics dramatic fanfare)
..Colonel Mustard, in the billiard room with the jolly old lead piping.
- Ha-ha! - l've won! Cos look, l've got Colonel Mustard!
There's been a murder!
Fancy me having the murderer all this time.
You haven't bloody won. The murderer's got to be in there.
There's been a murder!
Dave, you know, if you say, ''There's been a murder!'' one more time,
l'll bloody murder you!
Well, give me Colonel Mustard, l'll put him in there,
and then l'll have my guess?
What...?
l knew you lot didn't know how to play the bloody game!
- Oh, balls to it! - Oh, Dad!
There's been a murder!
- Dad! - Jim!
(Cheering)
(Chuckles)
Whoa!
''Farts.''
(Laughter)
l knew it was you.
l knew it was you all along. Did you?
l never did. l'm a loser.
OK, that's the end of the General Knowledge round
for Dave's Big Quiz.
- Everybody enjoying it? - (All cheer)
- Anyone want to know the scores? ALL: Yes.
Jim, you're...two, four, six, eight, ten, 1 2, 1 4 points.
Hey, hey!
Barbara, you're one, two... Two points.
Denise, you're one... One point.
(Disappointed groans)
- Anyway, on to the Showbiz section. - Oh, l'll be brilliant at this.
OK. Which gastric-banded TV presenter is married to TV chef Phil Vickery?
BOTH: Fern Britton. - Correct.
As fast as he makes anything, she bloody eats it!
One point each for Denise and Barbara.
Which showbiz personality
is most famous for bending...
Dale Winton.
..spoons...and forks?
Erm... Uri Geller!
Correct. Well done, Denise.
Which famous celebrity quiz show host
has a self-satisfied wink at the end of every show?
- Noel Edmonds. - No.
- Ann Robinson. - Correct.
Yes!
Oh, ''wink''.
(Both laugh)
Who famously said, ''l want to be alone''?
''l want to be alone...''
(Muttering)
l'll have to hurry you.
- Is it Terry Waite? - Was it balls, Terry Waite!
He didn't want to be alone, did he?
He was held captive, that poor sod, for bloody five years.
- And tied to a bloody radiator. - (Enlightened sighs)
Well, at least he was warm.
- Oh, yeah. - Nobody knew it, then.
The answer is Greeta Jarbo.
JIM: ''Greeta Jarbo''?
You know what you are, Dave? Onejormlessjet.
(Others laugh)
No points.
Who won a BAFTA for his sensitive portrayal
ofthe poof Quentin Crisp?
- Was it Louis Walsh? - No.
Oh, was it Gok Wan?
- No. JIM: l don't knowwho it was.
But whoever it was, he'll be out there somewhere on Cilla Black's arm.
- Don't know it? - Who was it, Dave?
Quentin Crisps.
No, Dave, who played the part ofthe sensitive poof?
- John Hurt. - Ooh, l'll bet it did! Ooh! Ooh!
Who starred alongside Tim Robbins in the film The Shawshank Redemption?
JIM: l know this! l've got this one!
Denzel Washington.
- No, no, no. - No?
Ooh, what's his... What's his name?
Black fella with grey hair.
- Ooh, ooh! Trevor McDonald. - ''Trevor McDonald''?
What the bloody hell would Trevor McDonald be doing in a Hollywood blockbuster?
- Go on. l give up, Dave. Who was it? - l don't know.
l was hoping one of you lot would say it and l'd know it straightaway then.
l just thought it was a good question.
Well, thank you very much, Jeremy Paxman!
A quizmaster who doesn't know the answer to the bloody questions?
I l'd be best off sat in the car talking to the sat-nav lady.
She makes more bloody sense than you lot, cos you're dumb, dumber and bloody dumbest.
Dad, Dave spent ages on that quiz for our holidays in the Pearl of Prestatyn.
What bloody holiday? Stuck in a tin hut, playing kids' games.
No chip pan. No television.
l'd rather be tied to the bloody radiator like Terry bloody Waite.
Leave Terry Waite and his radiator out ofthis, Jim.
They've got nothing to do with this holiday.
Why can't we just enjoy the Pearl of Prestatyn like everybody else?
Everybody else? There's only us here - and the pigs next door,
Peter the Pirate and Percy the Purple Pissing Parrot that's here.
Dad, will you just chillax?
Chillax? Chillax? Chillax, my arse. Anyway, Denise, what are you doing here?
lt's not even your bloody wedding anniversary.
Oh, Dad, my mam asked us to come.
- Dave's driven us here, Jim. - Oh, it was great him driving us here!
The long way round in bloody kilometres.
All we could hear was his conversation with the bloody sat-nav girl -
who he was trying to cop offwith.
- What? BARBARA: That's enough.
Do you know what? l wish we'd never organised that fantastic surprise party for you.
Ha-ha! Fantastic bloody surprise party with the two people next door
who l see every bloody day?
lt would have been more of a surprise ifwe'd gone home and they hadn't been there.
Jim, don't be so ungrateful about people who care about us.
They cared that bloody much, they got us one golden egg cup.
One egg cup between two bloody people.
- l don't think they'd thought it through. - Thank you!
You wouldn't buy an octopus one shoe, would you?
This is nothing to do with an octopus and one shoe,
and it isn't about the golden egg cup either.
lt's about you not wanting to come away.
- It is about the golden egg cup. - It's not about the golden egg cup.
- It is about the golden egg cup. - Dad, shut up about the golden egg cup.
- It's not about the golden egg cup. - It is about the golden egg cup.
- It's not about the golden egg cup. - Can l say something?
Yes, and thank you, Dave.
l keep hearing, ''the golden egg cup'', ''the golden egg cup'', ''the golden egg cup''.
So l think it must be about the golden egg cup.
Dave, what are you sticking your nose in the golden egg cup for?
Who told you to stick your bloody nose in the golden egg cup?
Denise can stick her nose in the golden egg cup any time she likes.
Anyway, Dave, why do you always have to side with my dad?
Because he's the only one that's talking any blood sense.
- That's why. - Thank you, Jim.
lt's a pleasure, David.
lfthis happened to us, Dave, would you complain about the golden egg cup?
Well, l don't like boiled eggs. l like eggy bread.
Dave, what are you bringing eggy bread up for?
He can bring eggy bread up if he wants to.
There's no law says he can't bring eggy bread up.
See what you started with this golden egg cup thing again.
- l told you it was about the golden egg cup! - It's not about it!
- It is about the golden egg cup. - It's not about the golden egg cup.
Well, is it about eggy bread?
- Eggy bread? - What are you bringing eggy bread up for?
l asked earlier and you said it wasn't about the golden egg cup.
You mustn't have listened! It's about the golden egg cup.
He's never had eggy bread in his life and now he wants eggy bread.
We've come on our holidays and he's gone all Continental.
l thought it was about eggy bread.
lt's about the golden egg cup!
- Now he wants eggy bread. Eggy bread! - (All shouting)
lt's not about eggy bread! It's about the golden egg cup.
(They shout each other down)
JIM: l know l get wound up.
And maybe l shouldn't fly offthe handle like l do.
But l don't mean any harm by it.
l mean, you know that, don't you?
Yeah.
l know that, Jim.
Ah, thanks, Dave.
Thanks, Jim.
Well, if you understand that, Dave, why doesn't Barbara?
- l don't know. Denise is the same. - (Women talking in background)
l mean, l don't fancy that sat-nav woman.
She sounds like a lovely girl, don't get me wrong.
And she's been very helpful.
But that's as far as it goes between me and her.
l know that, Dave.
You're not the type to have a casual fling with the satellite navigation bloody system.
lt's just not you.
Thanks, Jim. l appreciate that.
- Do you know what we should be, Dave? - What?
More assertive.
- Yeah, right. More assertive. - Shh.
- Keep your bloody voice down, Dave. - Sorry, Jim.
You see...
You know the other night...
after the anniversary do...
Mm.
..l asked Barbara, nice and politely,
if little Jim...could have a dance in Barbara's ballroom,
and she turned me down flat.
Fair enough, the previous years little Jim had had too much to drink
and he couldn't stand up and...
..he hardly got his head through the bloody door.
That was it.
l didn't know Barbara had a ballroom.
Bloody hell, Dave.
Hey, Dave, get us a couple oftinnies, eh?
And a pork pie out ofthe fridge.
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
We're not gonna let them buggers spoil our holiday, are we, lad?
- Go on. - No way.
He was quite romantic, you know, your dad, when we were younger.
- My dad? - Yeah.
First proper date we had, we went for a meal.
- Oh. - Yeah, it was the Burnley Inn.
l can remember it now because we had gammon and pineapple.
- Oh. - Yeah.
And he insisted on paying.
With his voucher.
And then he walked me home, back to my mam's house.
And when we got there, he looked into my eyes and without saying a single word, he kissed me.
Oh.
And, do you know, it was the sweetest kiss l've ever had.
- Was it, Mam? - Yeah.
He still had a bit of pineapple stuck in his beard.
Oh.
(Both laugh)
(Laughter in background)
(Whispers) Hey, hey, hey.
Get the Maltesers out of Barbara's bag.
(Clattering)
Shh.
What was that noise?
Oh, it's only you, is it, Dave?
Can you get me a glass ofwater as well, son?
Yeah.
- Do you want halfsies? - Ooh, yes.
Cheers, Jim.
Oh.
- Jim... - Yeah?
l need to warn you about something.
Yeah?
lt's a bit delicate.
What is it, son?
Well, in the morning, l usually wake up with a...
(Laughs) So do l!
lt'll be like Billy Smart's circus down here in the morning, with me and you like that.
- These are lovely, these pies, aren't they? - Mm.
lt's mainly pastry and jelly, in't it, Jim?
Yeah, it's mainly pastry and jelly, Dave.
(Belches)
- Do you know what l'm thinking of doing, Mam? - What?
l'm thinking of adopting two or three brown babies.
You know, like Madonna or Angelina.
Are you sure, Denise? You've already got two.
l've always been very maternal.
Yeah. Well, any idea what you'd like?
l was thinking maybe two caramel-coloured ones,
you know, to go with my sofa.
Mm, yeah.
Cos you can't be expected to change your furniture, can you, every time you adopt a baby?
What does your mam and dad think ofthe golden egg cup situation, Dave?
Well, they could understand why you got annoyed, under the circumcises.
Yeah, bloody right.
(Dave sniffs) Oh!
- Is that you? - (Chuckles) Yeah, yeah.
Get your nostrils round that, Dave, it's a bloody cracker.
(Dave farts)
(Jim chuckles)
Ooh, one-all.
Oh, bloody hell, Dave.
Wait till they hear about this down the Feathers, Jim.
You keep your bloody gob shut about this down at the Feathers, you soft sod.
Do you know what, Dave?
We could spend all night farting now ifwe wanted to.
Ooh, yeah.
And do you know, in a minute, l'm gonna scratch my balls.
Because that's the sort of mood l'm in now.
- Freedom. - Freedom. Freedom.
l can't help thinking about Terry Waite.
Ah, yeah, the poor old sod.
All them years farting next to the radiator
and no-one there to smell them.
Yeah.
We don't know how lucky we are, do we, Jim?
What l was thinking was...
the extra child support l could put towards a new HD telly
and that would benefit all of us.
Oh.
Do you know, l bet they've never seen a telly.
lmagine their little faces when they see The One Show for the first time.
Oh.
Denise, it's a lovely contribution to society.
Mm.
(They sing The One Show theme)
l bet Dave's dead upset in there, now that it's all calmed down.
- Yeah. Your dad will be the same. - Mm.
Oh, well done! Well done!
(Dave sighs)
l'll tell you what, Dave.
l'm not gonna spend another night at Happyside Park, lad.
No television. No bloody chip pan.
Mm.
Soon as Barbara's done the fry-up in the morning, l'm gonna tell her.
We're going home. Well...
- There's no fun to be had down there, is there? - Nah.
Hey, have you tried this one, Dave?
(Laughs)
Oh.
(Jim snores)
Jim...
Dave...
Dad...
Dave...
- Morning, Jim. - Morning, Barb.
- Morning, Dave. - Morning, Barbara.
- Morning, Dad. - Morning, Denise.
- Morning, Dave. - Morning, Denise.
- Morning, Barbara. - Morning, Dave.
- Morning, Jim. - Morning, Dave.
Jim...Denise and l were talking last night...
and we were thinking that maybe we should go home today.
You know, cos the telly's broke.
And the chip pan situation.
- Go home? - Yeah.
Leave the Pearl of Prestatyn?
Yeah.
You sure that's what you want to do, love?
Yeah.
Oh, well, if you're sure that's what you want to do.
But...we were gonna give it a few more days, weren't we, Dave?
Oh, well, we don't mind staying another day if you want.
No, you're obviously determined to go, Barb.
And l bloody respect that.
Oh, thank you, Jim.
Thanks, Barb.
- Thank you, Dave. - Thanks, Barbara.
- Thanks, Dad. - Thanks, Denise.
- Thanks, Dave. - Thanks, Denise.
- Thanks, Jim. - Thanks, Dave.
Hey, back to home sweet home, eh?
Back to where we belong.
Me with the jolly old telly
and you with the chip pan, eh, Barb?
Yeah.
Ooh.
A full English breakfast, l think, eh, Barb?
- For that long journey home. - Yeah.
Oh, aye, yeah.
And a nice little bit of eggy bread for David.
- Yeah. - Thanks, Barb.
Thanks, Jim.
Thanks, Barbara.
Thanks, Dave.
Thanks, Dad.
♪ LILY ALLEN: LDN
(They sing along)
BARBARA: Ooh, it's really growing on me, this song. Who is it?
DENISE: Erm, it's Lily Allen. - Oh.
DAVE: Her Dad's the Sheriff of Nottingham, Barbara.
Oh, is he?
Well, she's had a good start, hasn't she?
- No wonder she's done well. DENISE: Yeah.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-hee-hee-ha!
l've missed you!
Come here.
Mwah. (Chuckles)
♪ Back home again!
♪ Oh, back home again!
(TV on)
Well, that's me done with bloody holidays for another 50 years, Barb.
Yeah.
Hey, it's good to go away but you can't beat coming home.
Yeah.
l couldn't live in a caravan. l'm too house proud.
(Sighs) Oh.
- So you're back, then? - Oh, hello, Joe.
l thought you was going for a week. How come you're back so soon?
No chip pan, Joe.
- What? There was no chip pan? - No.
- But that's terrible. - Mm.
You read about holidays from hell but you don't expect it to happen to you.
No.
No chip pan. Jeez.
Oh, Joe. How's Mary? Is she any better?
Nah. Like having a little puppy.
BARBARA: Ah.
- She's not so bad as long as she's not laughing. - Good job she's married to you, then, Joe.
Jim.
l've had to stop her watching You've Been Framed on Saturday now.
lt's like switching the sprinklers on at Kew Gardens.
(Wheezing laugh)
BARBARA: Jim.
l'm glad you're back. Mary's been worried sick since you left.
Oh, has she, Joe? What about?
Well, she got you two egg cups for your anniversary,
and in all the excitement she only wrapped one ofthem up.
- Here's the other one. - Oh, poor Mary.
She needn't have worked herself up into a state over a little golden egg cup.
We haven't given it a second thought.
Well, l was gonna bring it down to Prestatyn,
but Dave told me about it, it's all in kilometres, and that put me right off.
l've never driven in kilometres and l'm not gonna start at my age.
No.
Anyway, this is just a flying visit.
l'm gonna get off now cos l've left The One Show on pause. See you.
BARBARA: Bye, Joe.
Good old Mary. l knew she wouldn't let us down.
Go on, Barb, get the pan on, eh?
We'll have a couple of boiled eggs for our tea, eh, kiddo?
ln our own little golden egg cups.
Yeah-hey!
(Smashing)
Jim...
you don't fancy eggy bread instead, do you?
Bloody hell, Barbara!
♪ So what do you say?
♪ You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
♪ Halfthe world away
♪ l've been lost, l've been found
♪ But l don't feel bad