(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)
♪The Cleveland Show 4x08♪ The Wide World of Cleveland Show Original Air Date on January 27, 2013
Cleveland Brown here.
There are 15,000 countries in the world,
and The Cleveland Show is adapted to air
in every single one of them.
See if you can spot the subtle cultural differences.
(rooster crowing, mariachi music playing)
(playing Latin classical music)
Cleveland!
Doña! Mí amór!
No hace mucho frio.
Hace mucho calor.
Mmm... Stop practicing your Spanish on me
and tell me whose dress this is!
Are you cheating on yo?
(organ plays dramatic chord)
Doña, I swear,
I've never seen that dress before.
Perhaps it's...
(rolling Rs): R-R-Roberta's!
(organ plays dramatic chord) Uh-uh. I don't shop
at J.C. Peso!
(organ plays two dramatic chords)
Turn those organ stings down,
you soccer-loving Chiclet chewers!
Como se dice, "Whoa...!"
Whose dress is it, Cleveland?!
It's my dress!
Catorce years old.
I'm turning 15, silly.
And Miss Choni and Cecilia are coming over
to make my birthday a special occasion.
I'm having a quinceañera!
You are an embarrassment!
And what is a quinceañera?
It's a traditional 15th birthday party for girls.
Okay. Have a baby, right here on the spot.
Which you could do if you were a girl, but you're not.
So no quinceañera!
(sobbing): You don't understand me at all!
(Mexican hat dance playing) (loud sobbing)
(organ playing soap opera music)
ANNOUNCER: Las Noches Gordas de Cleveland will return, con queso.
(dramatic orchestral music playing)
No.
♪
No.
ANNOUNCER: No...
by Consuela.
Product formally known as Lemon Pledge.
(mariachi music playing)
(knocking)
(gasps) Cecilia!
Next muchacha hit me in the face gonna get it.
(grunts) Ow! Choni,
that was my penis.
Hunior texted me many faces of frowning.
So we brought over my aunt,
who flew all the way from Hollywood
to hah-ner Hunior.
iTia Sofia!
Sofia Vergara is your aunt?
Yes, Señor Brown. And while you might know me
from my Screen Actors Guild Award-winning role
on a hit TV show,
you may not know that I myself was once 15 years old.
Oh, did you say that in a People interview
that was in my dentist's office?
That sounds about right-- I do like to mention
the ages I've been.
Maybe a song will convince you
there's more to a quinceañera
than just some girly party.
Sorry, wasn't listening.
I have a lot of two things on my mind.
But go ahead and sing.
♪
♪ As soon as boys, they turn fifteen años ♪
♪ They never want to come out of their baños ♪
♪ When they get hair in strange places ♪
♪ And refried-bean faces
♪ We dare ya to throw a quinceañera ♪
♪
♪ When Aztecs turn fifteen years old ♪
♪ Quinceañera meant they were now warriors ♪
♪ So many centuries ago
♪ Before whitey stole
♪ California
♪ So celebrate
♪ Your son's fifteen años ♪
♪ And don't just take it from all us Chicanos ♪
♪ There's plenty of blacks who'd bring over six-packs ♪
♪ Don't let it scare ya, throw a quinceañera! ♪
(song ends)
So it's like a Mexican bar mitzvah?
Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
♪ Quinceañera over here! ♪
(gasps) For real, Papi?!
Happy birthday, son.
You are now a man.
Or... something.
You look beautiful in your dress.
Feliz quinceañera!
(lively Latin music playing) (whooping, shouting)
We love you, Latino viewers, fastest-growing segment
of the television-viewing audience.
Our international spectacular will return with more countries.
But first, let's hear some of the different catchphrases
I have all around the world.
And boomerang goes the dynamite.
(studio audience laughter)
Oy, caramba!
(audience laughter)
Donna, I'm stoned!
(audience laughter)
(Chinese accent): Delivery!
(audience laughter)
Goal...!
(continues shout)
(running out of breath)
Oh, here's a pretty flag.
Which country is this?
That's the gay flag.
Ah. Greece.
Welcome back to our international spectacular,
where we show you actual footage of The Cleveland Show
as broadcast overseas.
Next up, the Jersey Shore of Europe-- Italy.
DiGiorno!
(simple Italian melody playing)
♪
(slurping)
You want to slow down on that spaghet, Kendra?
Please? Even in a yard full of slobs you're standing out.
Shut up, Lester Krinklesacramoni.
Look at you! You're wasting away!
Eat! Eat!
Everybody eat! (cheering)
(gruff, Italian accent): Thank you all for...
coming.
(clearing throat loudly)
(normal voice): Sorry. Garlic mashed potatoes.
Next week I go on trial
for 36 counts or murder and racketeering,
and let me just say, these charges are totally unfounded.
Everyone knows I'm in the "cable business."
What company? Crime Warner?
(laughing)
(Cleveland snaps fingers twice)
Eh, heart attack. While I'm away
battling these detailed and accurate charges,
the family business must continue.
Therefore, I have chosen my successor.
This is it, Ernie!
The day I've been waiting for my whole life!
Oh, Larry, when I'm boss, you can finally quit dancing,
and I'll buy you a car similar to the one you want
that I can get through a business connection.
He is my son, and I am so proud of him.
Come on up here...
...Rallo. (gasps)
What? Get the (bleep) outta here!
This kid here,
he's got the street smarts, the charisma
and the meatballs to lead this family.
To Rallo!
♪
He's not fat enough to be crime boss!
And he doesn't even have hair on his Rocky Balboas!
Opera...!
♪
Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?
Anything you say to me,
you can say in front of my captains,
Tim, Lester and Tiny Pussy.
Okay.
Why, Dad? Why Rallo and not me?
All I ever wanted my whole life was to be like you.
I can install cable! Watch!
(cat screeches)
Whoa!
Whoa-ho! Junior, you nut!
Even when you're whacking a guy, you're just too cute.
I am not!
I'm a killing machine!
Aw... Aw...
I'll show you I can be the head
of this not-representative- of-all-Italians family.
Fine. You versus Rallo for the head of the family.
And two tickets to Tony and Tina's Wedding,
starring Lorraine Bracco and The Situation.
Soon I will announce my decision.
Thanks, Daddy.
Sorry, Tiny Pussy.
(band playing lively music)
Damn, I look good!
Probably gonna die in this suit one day.
Ay, Rallo, when you're the boss,
you think you could rub out the Men's Warehouse guy?
The fanook with the beard?
He's gonna like the way he looks without a head.
(laughs) Sure, I'll do it.
(band plays lively intro)
♪ Buca di beppo, di buca di beppo, di bu... ♪
Walt, what are you doing, you knucklehead?
That's my Big Wheel...
Jeem-ba-lucci!
Junior.
We got to get you out of here! Put this on!
♪ (siren approaching)
(siren wailing)
(phone rings)
You took care of it last night?
Good. You're a good soldier, Ernie.
I love you.
(toilet flushing)
(screaming)
(continues screaming)
Larry! Larry! Talk to me!
(sobbing)
(door closes)
Daddy! Daddy!
Rallo drowned Larry the Leopard!
Just put him in the dryer.
He had my friend Walt killed!
So you're even. Now, go on outside and play.
No! He shouldn't be head of the family!
I'm your son, not him!
He's just a big mouth-breathing canoli sucker!
(shouting gibberish) Salami, pesto, and spaghetti and meatballs, pasta...
Silencio!
Boys, I've seen all I need to see.
I've made my decision.
Let's take a drive.
(dramatic orchestral music playing)
Mama?
Hey, I'm just beating a rug.
♪
BOTH: Please don't turn into the woods, please don't turn into
the woods, please don't turn into the woods.
RALLO: Aw, he turned into the woods.
CLEVELAND JR.: They got no show without us, right?
♪
Good-bye.
This wasn't a hard choice.
(gunshot)
Oh, my God, he killed...
Which one did he kill?!
They're not gonna tell?!
Oh, I'm going on a message board to complain
because I've got nothing else going on in my life,
and I invest too much in TV characters.
Coming up, more Cleveland Show
in other countries, dorks!
Where's your dressing room?
I'd like to try these flags on.
What?
Here, there's six. Start a room for me.
(whispering): There's seven.
Now, let's see what The Cleveland Show looks like
in the birthplace of evil-- Germany.
(crying)
Heil... arious!
Our next stop is India.
So let's... Huh?
Are you sure?
Got a big red dot on it.
I've been informed that this is not the Indian flag.
Instead, our next stop is Jap-in.
Juh-pan? Juh-pan.
(wind whipping)
♪
(grunts) (grunts)
(chimes tinkling)
I am sorry to be seconds late for breakfast.
It was difficult to pull myself away
from my joy of schoolwork.
Yet tardins is inexcusable.
A great conflict you faced.
(grunts)
Miss Donna-san. Daddy-san.
I honor your truth.
There is only this moment.
Now there is only this moment.
The other moment is gone.
Now there is only this moment. Uh, there it went.
Okay, here come another.
The is only this moment.
You are wise, esteemed husband.
And you bring great honor to this family.
And here in Japan,
nothing is more important than honor.
And I shall bring even greater honor
with my new scheme.
Tonight, at Waterman Cable, when everyone else leaves,
I will stay and work eight additional hours.
For no pay!
Strictly for honor!
But Waterman-san will catch you
and look at you silently for a moment!
He will not.
For I shall disguise myself
as pile of shoes outside the door.
That is perfect!
We'll be rolling in honor!
Rolling in it!
Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
Donna, please.
Big mouth, little honor.
Father, please do not forget to attend my match tonight.
This is night of your sumo wrestling match?
What? I'm not a wrestler.
I'm a competitive eater.
This is my diaper.
Regardless, I cannot attend your competition tonight,
for I must work long hours to bring great honor to family!
But Cleveland, to miss Junior-san's event
would dishonor family.
Uh-oh!
(gong sounds)
Don't worry, Father.
Work is more honorable
than number-one son's dumb old eating contest.
I'll be in my room salting my rice with tears.
(doorbell rings)
I am your new neighbor, Mr. Zilla.
I am required to tell you that I am a registered sex offender.
Was it the bad kind?
Oh... yeah.
(gong sounds)
(electrical hissing)
Esteemed friends,
I've really got my vending-machine panties
in a bunch here.
I can't be at work
and at my son's match at the same time.
Why don't you build a Cleveland robot
to attend fat son's eating competition while you work?
(cackling)
That's the best idea
since the courageous attack on Pearl Harbor!
This version doesn't air in the U.S., right?
Gus, may we dismantle karaoke machine for robot parts?
GUS: Hush, friend!
I'm trying to watch a game show that could turn into porn!
There it goes! Yuck!
35 minutes.
We could have finished faster if we had worked harder.
We should all be ashamed.
(all grunting)
Clevetron, activate!
(whirring, whooshing)
I am Clevetron,
Guardian of the Universe!
I will do anything you say.
Anything.
Damn writers are gay.
Well, that's, uh... I don't, uh...
Good to know.
(clears throat)
Clevetron, I need you
to attend Junior-san's eating contest as me.
That's it?
Yup. Yup, that's it.
What is with this guy?
Go, Clevetron!
Show cold and distant affection to son!
(metallic creaking, engine revs, tires squeal)
(engine revving, tires squealing)
Wow, he's a bad driver.
Like many Asians.
Whoa!
(gong sounds)
Yeah! Yeah! Eat!
(stomach growling)
We have a winner!
Clap respectfully for the God of Gurgitation--
Cleveland Jr.!
(applause)
Great job, son.
Daddy-san, you came!
Yes. You make Clevetron...
(buzzer sounds)
I mean, Cleveland Brown,
your human father, very proud.
Wait a minute.
"Copyright 2008 Fun Time Karaoke Company?"
(gasps)
You're not my dad! You're a robot!
I am better than father!
I'm just a robot... standing in front of a boy...
asking him to love me.
But I don't want you. I want my dad!
Why can't Clevetron be enough?!
Malfunction. Malfunction.
♪ The careless whisper of a good friend... ♪
MAN: You suck!
It picks up!
MAN 2: It's a chick song!
It is a song for getting chicks!
Clevetron angry!
♪ Tonight the music seems so loud ♪
♪ I wish that we could lose this crowd... ♪
(grunting)
All right, children, robot attack drill!
Run screaming past the camera!
(children screaming)
(yelling)
(crickets chirring)
Ah. Now to work eight additional hours
to bring further honor to family.
♪ Honor in the morning, honor in the evening ♪
♪ Honor at suppertime.
(laughs) Honor.
Oh.
Ah, Fukiyama!
I'm going to that match.
Sorry. Sorry.
(metallic clank)
Junior-san, I am here for... you.
(clanging, whirring)
(yelling)
Clevetron? Huh?
Prepare for battle!
(grunts, electrical popping and hissing)
Hi... yah!
(both grunting)
(wind whipping)
(beep) I win.
(sighs)
I... would... have... done... anything.
(whirring)
Even... butt stuff.
Oh.
Come on.
Let's go home and wang chung tonight.
Everybody?
Yeah, everybody.
Thank you, United States. Thank you, rest of the world. Bye!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==