So, you broke up with Kelly because she kept saying "spoiler alert"?
It's not that she kept saying it.
It's that, uh, there were never any spoilers in her stories.
- No twists, no turns? - There's nothing at all.
It was like dating an M. Night movie.
I just kept waiting for something to happen, and it never did.
Barry: Dude, as a drummer, I can tell you, your timing sucks.
- I mean, after all... - Dude, we're playing her family reunion.
Yeah.
[ laughs ]
Grandma, I want you to meet my new boyfriend, Stevie.
- Hey. How are you? - Nice to meet you.
All right, I may have jumped the gun a little bit.
You think? God, you used to be better at this, man.
- What happened? Barry: Yeah, man. You had rules, man.
Don't break up before a road trip.
Yeah, or in mid-flight, especially over an ocean.
Yeah, or at an ikea. That place is like a swedish labyrinth.
A little heads-up would've been nice.
You know, we are dating twin sisters.
Tommy: Excuse me.
You know what I could have done? I could have doubled-down.
- But instead I shared. - Thank you very much.
I was gonna break up with Angie after the event...
You know, like a sensitive person.
What do you expect me to do? If you're gonna say, "spoiler alert,"
You have to be spoiling something that someone cares about.
Cut it out. Stop being a baby.
Angie... she's a hummer. She hums when she eats,
Hums when she's brushing her teeth. On the phone, it's like listening to hold music.
Eddie: You can't break up with her now. You'll come off way worse than Tommy.
How long do I have to wait? What's the industry standard?
Few days, at least till the family leaves town.
Well, no, you got a week, though, of "nice meeting you" calls you got to deal with.
See, that takes us right into the holiday season.
- And that's thanksgiving, christmas... - Oh, yeah. Then new year's into valentine's day.
Looks like I got out just in time, doesn't it?
S01E06 We Are Family
Sync by ninh www.addic7ed.com
[ reggae version of "We are family" plays ]
Tommy: All right.
♪ Ooh, yeah♪
♪ We are family♪
♪ brethren and me sistren with me♪
♪ Everyone can see we're together♪
♪ as we walk on by♪
♪ fly♪
♪ And we fly just like birds of a feather♪
♪ I won't tell no lie♪
♪ all♪
♪ All of the people around us they say♪
♪ "can they be that close♪"♪
♪ jJust let me state for the record♪
♪ we're giving love in a family dose♪
♪ We are family♪
♪ Ooh, yeah♪
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing♪
♪ sing it to me, sing it to me♪
[ woman moaning ]
[ door creaks ]
[ moaning continues ]
Hey, dad.
Tommy! What are you doing?
Just watchin' my stories here.
That's, uh... that's porn, actually.
No worries.
I bought it with your paypal account.
We can watch it whenever.
Tommy: Oh, fantastic. It's a heck of a father/son activity. I appreciate it.
Hey, lucky you didn't get here 10 minutes from now.
I'd have been fishin' for zipper trout.
Oh, I would've assumed that that stream was all fished out.
[ laughs ]
Get over here. Let the big bear give you a hug.
[ groans ] Good to see you, pal.
- How are you? - I'm good.
- Good. - Chest bump!
Ah, okay. [ coughs ]
Why don't we get a drink, huh?
Jack: Pressure's on. Pressure's on.
The champion!
Oh! Whoa! Whoa.
I'm not sure if your jeans are tight enough.
Hey, women like to know what they're getting. [ laughs ]
- Where you coming in from? Eugene? - No, Phoenix.
I cover eight salons down there,
half a dozen high-end beauty-supply shops.
Let me guess... a supply of beauties in every one.
If you love cats, sell cat food.
- Good point. - No, I'm here for cosmeticon.
I figured we'd book a little father/son time...
If you can squeeze me in.
How many girls you runnin', huh?
Multiples?
Just broke up with one yesterday.
Ohh.
Let me get you back on your feet.
End of the bar.
She's been eye-blowin' you all night.
50 bucks says you can't close.
50- bucks? - Uh-huh.
All right. Here's how it's gonna go down.
I'll get the laugh, she'll tilt her head back, flip her hair.
- In that order? - In that order.
- Okay. - Yep.
♪ She's from a weird world♪
♪ A mistake in earth descent♪
♪ Neon lips like a rainbow kid♪
♪ She's popping gum in the basement♪
♪ we glance♪
♪ I move around and come into her sights♪
♪ the power's on♪
- Uh, I'm sorry. My vision's gettin' worse. - Stop it. Stop it.
- Did she do the hair flip? - Double or nothing.
- Okay.
Maybe I can interest her in a little eco-friendly shampoo.
[ sighs ]
♪ Bang, pop, pop♪
♪ When does this searchin' stop♪♪
♪ Bang, bang, pop, pop♪
♪ Where does the moment stop♪♪
♪ Bang, pop, pop♪
♪ Oh-way-oh♪
[ laughs ]
- Gotcha! - You sandbagged, you son of a bitch.
You guys know each other.
Tommy, I'd like you to meet Debra, the love of my life.
Hi. Love of your life.
He talks about you all the time.
Nice try.
We've only been dating five weeks.
Whoops.
But very charming... just like your dad.
The man never change, I swear.
And then he's got this new girlfriend that's, like, younger than the last three.
Uh, Debra.
[ laughs ] Dad's a player.
Caught him streaming porn from his laptop.
[ chuckling ] "Cloudy with a chance of my balls."
That was the name of it. Yeah. Genius.
You could add this to Jack's greatest hits, volume five.
Well, getting busted with porn isn't that big a deal.
It happens to us now and again.
You busted Adam?
No, he actually walked in on me.
Should've seen his face. It was like christmas morning.
- I had to retire from adult video. - That's not natural.
No, not by choice. You know, married, kids.
Had to take all the locks off all the doors.
I got no stadium to play in.
And that is why I'm not getting married.
Really, Barry? That's why you're not getting married?
Roxie: Good morning.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow. What's with the new look?
Oh, I just got tired of my competition, Emily Corgy,
hogging all the press after they turned her life into that Anne Hathaway rom-com.
Ah, "Can't plan love." Ingrid dragged me to that movie,
- and I got to admit, it wasn't that bad. - Yeah, it's a sweet ending.
You know how much wedding ass Corgy got off that?
Which is why I've hired a publicist,
whose retainer pays off today.
Vince Boboroff is following Roxie around all week.
Barry: Boboroff? The Boboroff?
What's Boboroff?
Oh, he's a writer, man. Writes for Mojo, Esquire, Spin.
He's with, uh, Bill Simmons now over at Grantland.
"The sports guy?"
Wait. Why is Simmons sending Boboroff to cover a wedding?
Chasing the female demo, if he's smart.
- Why am I holding this? - Oh, I just prepared some pull quotes
and amusing anecdotes about me for you to brush up on.
Memorize.
Word for word. Mm-hmm.
And you expect us to drop this in conversation?
If I look good, you look good.
Barry: This is really exciting.
Boboroff's coming here. Could you excuse me?
- Hold that. I want to... Yeah. - Go get him.
Right in here in the conference room.
You can just take any seat you like.
Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Vincent Boboroff from Grantland.
Stevie: Hey. Welcome. You're gonna love this place...
Elegant, glittering, sophisticated, unprecedented...
That's Rutherford Events.
She's modern and timeless, classic yet chic.
[ laughs ]
You know, when Roxie guaranteed everyone a happy ending
and delivered, I thought, "why would I want to work anywhere else?"
Anyway, uh, Vince's column will focus on a typical day,
following the highs and lows of a wedding planner... me...
[laughs] Leading up to Tracy's dream wedding.
So, where's the dream wedding taking place?
Oh... at the Concordia Club.
I have always wanted to get married there by the time I was 32...
You know, not too early, not too late.
- [ chuckling ] Sounds like a fairy tale. - It is.
My parents walked down the aisle there, and now it's my turn.
So, your fiancé... he'll be joining us soon?
He'll show.
How much longer do you think he might be?
Oh, there's no way of knowing, but hopefully soon
- 'cause there's a wedding on Saturday. - Yeah, I hope so,
because we still have tons more wedding planning to do.
Rachel: Well, as long as the groom shows eventually, that's all that matters.
Of course he'll show.
It's fate.
I'm even wearing my mom's wedding dress 'cause we're the same size.
So, now all I need to do is meet the perfect man
to share my dream day with.
"Needed," you mean.
No.
Oh, well.
I mean, there isn't actually a...
Barry: Vincent Boboroff.
Dude, I am a huge fan. I read all of your stuff.
[ chuckles ]
We were wondering when you were gonna show up.
You were talking about me?
No way. Come on.
Well, you can't have a wedding without the groom.
- Vince, actually, you know what? - No.
This is... this is... this is Barry. Barry is Tracy's dream groom.
- Dream what? - Yes.
It's fate.
[ laughs ]
[ Jack sighs ]
[ Jack and Debra moaning ]
Hey. Hey.
Sorry, just keys.
- Coffee run? - Uh, no, no, no. Band... I have a band meeting.
- How long you gonna be? - A couple hours.
- Then coffee run? - I'd love a pumpkin latte.
Sure. Yeah.
Okay, I'll get coffees. We'll talk about it later.
Okay. Just text me what you want, okay?
Well, let me get this right.
So, he didn't stop even after you...
- No. - ...came in.
Unh-unh.
He might be the worst roommate ever.
He drinks your beer, watches porn...
- He pees in my shower. - He does that?
I'm too young to get married, guys. I got cold feet.
You realize you're not actually getting married.
Tommy: You're just... you're a beard.
You're a beard so Roxie looks good with the writer guy.
- You know that, right? - The groom beard, Barry, groom beard.
Yeah, I know, but my week's already jammed. I mean, I've got to, uh,
you know, I got to pick out patterns, and we got to register for gifts.
And the playlist! I haven't picked out a playlist.
Like, playlists are my thing, and this is my own wedding.
Again, not getting married.
Look, as someone who's been there before,
there's only two things a guy really needs to worry about...
The band and the bar.
And that's it.
You are so wise.
And my brother.
Hey, want to be my best man?
- Again... - Shh!
I'd be honored.
Roxie: So, Tracy, in planning your dream wedding,
we just overlooked one tiny detail...
The groom!
[ chuckles ]
Well, he's coming. Uh-huh.
Well, uh, what do you think is gonna happen during the wedding?
I don't know, like, during the ceremony, let's say?
We'll exchange vows we've written ourselves.
- With whom? - My soul mate, of course.
- And you're gonna find him by Saturday? - This wedding is meant to happen.
It's fate. All you have to do is believe.
Well, Barry has very kindly volunteered to be your beard
until your soul mate materializes or beams down
- or what have you. - Tracy: Okay, yeah.
Barry can keep me company until I meet the love of my life.
Yeah, keep you company. [ chuckles ]
Great.
[ sighs ]
Soul mate... who believes in that hullabaloo anymore?
Emily Corgy, your rival wedding planner, does,
and her life was turned into a $100 million hit.
This is my moment...
Lead story on Grantland's website.
I am not gonna let some bride who is bonkers just wreck my moment.
I am gonna take this train into the station even if it kills everybody on board.
So, "Bare," how did you propose?
Oh, you mean, like, the whole get-down-on-one-knee thing?
The whole thing, start to finish.
Right. Okay.
Right, um...
So, she was leaving on a jet plane.
and I didn't know if she would be back again.
And so I had to run after her, you know, through the snow...
- Rain. Rain. - Rain, yeah, yeah.
And then I caught up to her.
- I'm like, "hey, get off that plane." - Get off that plane. Yeah.
And the rain stopped, and he had a picnic on a boat.
Yeah, I'm... I'm remembering this now.
Yeah, and then I got down on one knee, and I almost capsized the boat.
- Capsized the boat. - Yeah.
You should have seen her face when he got that ring out.
Yeah, yeah. And she said "yes" before he even could ask...
- "He?" - Him.
- He. - Me.
It was perfect.
- So perfect. - Yeah, so perfect.
Flawless.
Interesting story. What's the date?
Oh, it was one year ago today.
I'm sorry. I'm confused about the time line.
You booked the Concordia Club before his proposal?
Yes.
Because you knew you'd be married on that day in that place?
Yes.
Oh, lucky for you Barry came along.
What do you mean, lucky for me?
[ chuckles ]
Well, it seems like the venue was more important to you
than the guy.
It's all part of the same dream.
Some people think that dreams are just for wishful thinkers,
but those are usually people who don't have one.
Whoa. You are awesome.
- She is awesome. - Really?
Thank you. You're really sweet.
Don't do that. Slow down. No, save it.
Since you were just about to ask me, more than wanting to be married,
I have always, always, always wanted to be a wedding planner.
Actually, I was gonna ask how well you know Barry.
Oh, very well. Not at all. Why?
Well, vibe I'm getting. Something's off.
Oh, that's just... just... just pre-wedding jitters.
You know, every groom gets them. It's about common as flies on a ethiopian kid.
[ laughs ]
That's so wrong. And on the record.
No, this is different. It's almost as if Barry wasn't...
Rachel's a lesbian.
- What? - Yeah.
- What? - And she can't get married.
I mean, in this state 'cause it's not legal...yet.
But as soon as it is legal,
and I really think it should be, and you can put that down on your record
and in your blog and on your pad...
because we really want to make sure that gay couples
have the same opportunities for fairy-tale weddings
as straight couples have,
starting with Rachel's wedding to her lesbian lover, Ingrid,
who is here right now, looking so handsome.
I'm gonna make a quick call.
Oh, good idea.
You made me a lesbian?
Oh, that was just a diversionary tactic.
And that made me a lesbian, too?
You need to think of this as a gateway
to a new demographic for Rutherford Events.
I mean, same-sex marriages?
New york planners are just making a mint on those.
It's all the pantsuits, isn't it? It's...
Hi.
You ready for lunch? What are you guys talking about?
Your wife and I are lesbian lovers.
- Yeah, we're lesbians. - Yeah.
Oh.
- I'll just tell you about it... - Like full-on or...
- ...while we're eating. - Behave.
Yeah. Bye, honey.
Hello.
- Bill? - Bobo what's happening?
I want to take this story in another direction.
You're shaking me off?
- Shaking you off? - Yeah. You're shaking off my story,
like when a pitcher shakes off a catcher.
I don't like being shaken off.
Rutherford's not the story.
We got a groom with a secret
and a hot lesbian trying to find love in a world that refuses to sanction it
except on "grey's anatomy."
Wait a second. What are we, "Us weekly"?
- That's unfair. - Eh, it's a little fair.
Look, this is my wife's idea.
She thought it was gonna increase the female demo.
If you want to throw a curveball, go ahead,
Just don't hang it over the plate. Can I go fix my fantasy team now?
Got it.
[ rock music plays ]
Ohh! That's two. Dare you to do that again.
No. Ohh!
[ laughs ] All right. All right, babe. Bye.
Angie's making plans a month out.
I missed the break-up window. I don't know what to do.
If I were you, I would pull a reversal.
Yeah, scare her off by being more into the relationship than she is.
- That's good. - You got to really commit to it, though.
I mean, you got to, like, start naming babies,
what religion you're gonna raise them as.
Make her break up with me. That... that could work.
It's a fine line, though.
It could backfire, also, so you got to walk softly.
Okay. Name a favorite childhood pet.
Uh, Sniffum,
which is muffins backwards 'cause you were dyslexic.
- Very good. - Okay.
At my first arcade fire concert, they debuted what song?
"Keep the car running," febru...
- January 2007. - Right on.
Hey, why did you book the Concordia Club three years ago?
I was engaged,
but he turned out not to be the one.
Okay, name my favorite song.
Oh, Kylie Minogue, "Can't get you out of my head."
- Yes! - Yes.
9 out of 10.
Eddie: Reminds me of when jack taught us to play basketball.
He didn't use to cup your ass like that, though, did he?
No, no, different coaching technique, thank god.
I got to say, your dad does pretty well for himself.
Beauty-supply rep.
Dude's a visionary.
- Who would've seen that coming, right? - His career is just one big pickup line.
You know how he does it? Integrity.
He refuses to sell something that he doesn't believe in.
It's the second most important thing he ever taught to me.
What's the first?
Both: "Never leave a piece of ass on the table."
[ laughs ] Career day, 5th grade.
Yeah, it was. He didn't even have a career at the time.
[ game bell rings ] Amazing.
I don't know. He looks like he's into Debra.
- Maybe he's changed. - Really? That big, old, happy bear,
Dressed like woody from "Toy Story?" He hasn't even changed his jeans since '89.
[ chuckles ]
Hey, guys, uh, little confession.
There is no cosmeticon. I made it up.
No.
Tommy? Debra's gonna be your new mom.
Stevie: [ laughs ]
- We're gettin' married! - No, you're not.
That's great news!
- Let's celebrate. - Tommy, go give the big bear a hug.
You'll be my best man? Again?
Of course I'll be your best man again.
- All right! - Sure.
- Congratulations. - Son.
[ laughter ]
Not ready. I'm not...
[ indistinct cheering ]
Do you know my dad is gonna be walking down the aisle for the sixth time?
Whoa. Six?
Beauty... he's Michael Jordan of the wedding world.
No, not true. Come on. It's only five.
Remember, he married your mom twice.
Maybe he's really in love this time.
Thank you. He thinks he's in love every time,
but every marriage ends in divorce and tears, and I end up having to pick up all the pieces.
Jack's like that stallion that just can't be fenced in.
He's just got to roam free, and... [growls]
Marriage is a barn door with a lock on it. It just... I don't know.
It... it... it pulls all the fun out of him.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save my dad this time.
And I'm gonna prove to you guys and to him
- that he hasn't changed. - Okay.
How are you gonna do that?
I'm gonna unlock the barn door and see if the stallion runs.
- Oh! Oh, gosh. - No, no, I got it.
- I am so sorry. - I'll get it. Let me get that.
Here you go. Thank you so much.
Oh, my company is just such a...
A symbol of my real life...
You know, overworked and overscheduled and...
undermanned.
[ giggles ]
You're that fella who brought us that other fella, aren't you?
Tommy's dad.
Why? You gonna serve me a subpoena?
Oh, my god, this is so horrifying,
but I can't look away.
How did you get her to do this?
We're headlining her niece's easter party.
Oh.
We can do this the hard way,
or we can do this the easy way.
[ elevator bells dings ]
Not to be greedy, but how about both?
[ chuckles ]
What if they actually hook up?
Then Roxie rutherford becomes your stepmom.
I didn't actually think that part through.
Oh.
Six weeks ago, I would've drilled you like a republican in a national park.
Oh.
[ giggles ]
Ahh.
But I'm gettin' married.
Tommy's gonna help me pick out my wedding suit after his meeting, so...
That's okay.
I'm a wedding planner.
Unavailable men are my achilles' heel.
[ groans ]
What happened?
Well, it's either this stupid ensemble,
or he's really in love. Either way, yeast didn't rise.
And with jeans that tight, I would've known.
It's not even possible. I'm going plan "b."
Rachel: Okay, we have plan "b."
We're still a week away from launch with no groom.
- So, what do we do? - Barry: Yeah, no, it's okay.
Yesterday at the cake testing, she swore that her soul mate's gonna show up.
Okay, and if he doesn't?
Barry takes one for the team.
Yeah, well, then Barry t... whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
You get married. Congratulations.
No, no, no. That's bad karma.
If you make an oath and if you say "I do"
and you really don't, that's bad news.
Barry, don't be selfish.
Once Boboroff's column goes online,
you just get it annulled.
Who hasn't done that? Twice.
You think it's bad karma to get married?
What about if you just leave your bride at the altar?
You remember that groom who induced his own coma?
What about the runaway bride who got the plastic surgery?
And then, absolutely unrecognizable,
Fled the state.
Tommy: God, it's amazing what people will do to get out of a commitment.
- Isn't it, Stevie? - [ laughs ] That's not funny, man.
This whole angie thing has got me desperate, man.
I'm gonna go deep... Use the religion thing.
- Yeah? How? - I'm gonna tell her I'm an orthodox jew.
Eddie: [ laughs ] Wow.
Seriously. They're very strict about relationships.
Vince?
Oh, Vince, Vince, hi. Hi. Are you...
Are you here to shadow me today?
Rain check. I spoke to simmons.
He agrees there's a story in the same-sex wedding,
And the wedding band drummer and his brother.
Did I miss anything?
Sorry.
Well, that's just perfect.
My ace reporter is following everybody around but me.
Well, you sort of did it to yourself, Roxie.
You made Barry the groom, which made Eddie the best man.
You made me a lesbian and ingrid my lover.
So many beards around here
it looks like a civil war re-enactment.
[ laughs ]
Okay.
Honeybee, where you at? I miss your ass.
Truth is, I miss all your parts.
Starting alphabetically, I miss...
[ voicemail beeps ] Ohh, damn beep.
♪ Come on, everybody♪
♪ Won't you take me to boogie city♪♪
♪ Come on, everybody♪
♪ Won't you take me to boogie city♪♪
Hey, girls.
We saw you sitting here.
By yourself.
Your manliness.
It's not something we normally crave.
Unless it's in a woman.
But we thought, tonight...
Why not try something different?
Because we're lesbians.
[ chuckles ] Yeah.
So?
[ laughs ]
God, I don't waste my time with fugazis.
Fu-what?
Fakes.
You're not real lesbians.
Trust me, I've had my share. Converted two.
Jack held the line again.
Yep. Totally leashed his inner horndog.
It was a near miss. It was a near miss.
You guys know my dad.
No, I'm startin' to get the picture.
I'm stepping this up right now.
Thank you very much. Here you go, you can keep that.
Excuse me.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Tommy.
- Can I ask a favor of you? - Okay.
See the guy over there at the pop-a-shot?
- And again. Can he do it again? - Rocking the old-school mustache?
- Rocking the old-school mustache. - Yeah.
- That man is my father. - Oh.
And today's his birthday. I was wondering if you could bring him these
and just sort of wind him up a little bit, just for fun.
- Okay. - Yeah?
- Sure. - Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hey, there. Thirsty?
Want a drink?
I want that drink. Thought you might.
- Thank you very much. Thank you. - You're welcome. Cheers.
[ chuckles ]
Whoa, time-out. Too many players on the field.
Ohh.
Tommy! Debra's here. She's...
- What? - Woman: Okay, so bend, two...
Jack: Three! Nice!
Yeah! [ game bell dings ]
[ laughs ]
Mm.
Jack!
What the hell?!
No, no, no, no. Wait. Honeybee!
Wait! Honeybee!
[ groans ]
I feel horrible.
I feel like Satan's taint.
Yeah. Here. That'll help with the hangover.
Hangover's the least of my problems.
Ugh.
This right here? Heart-over.
Oh, yeah.
And it hurts.
You know, dad, you only knew her for five weeks.
A thing like that happens fast. I knew a guy lost 50 pounds in 5 weeks.
Of course, it only took three to put it back on, but...
[ muffled laugh ]
I love her, Tommy.
What can I tell you? [ chuckling ] I...
I love debra.
[ sighs ]
You know what? She'll come back. You just got to be patient.
Patient.
[ sighs ]
Vince: Of all the wedding details,
which did you find to be the most important one?
Dude.
- I think Barry would probab... - Uh... [ clears throat ]
You know, Vince, I think the seating chart's a really big deal.
You know, it's a lot like designing the brackets for the NCAA tournament.
Everybody wants a good matchup,
but nobody likes where they're seeded.
Nice.
Our audience is gonna love that.
And the pupil becomes the master. Nice job.
Tell me something special about Tracy.
Well, it's easy. It's the reason we're together.
Trace here believes in one true love.
[ laughs ]
Why is that funny?
I'm sorry.
The whole "one true love" thing, it's, um...
I don't know, naive?
[ chuckles ]
Who broke your heart?
Whoa. Hey... nobody...
Oh, snap.
Um, no...body broke...
[scoffs]
...things. [ makes ripping sound ]
Um, you know, I'm just here to observe.
Okay?
Okay.
♪ I just can't get you out of my head♪
♪ Girl, your lovin' is all I think about♪
♪ I just can't get you out of my head♪
♪ Girl, it's more than I dare to think about♪
♪ Every night♪
♪ Every day♪
♪ Just to be there in your arms♪
♪ Won't you stay♪♪
♪ Won't you lay♪♪
♪ Girl, forever and ever and ever and ever♪
♪ la, la, la♪
♪ la, la, la-la, la♪
♪ la, la, la♪
♪ la, la, la-la, la♪
[ guitar solo ]
[ Jack clapping ]
Sounds good!
So, it's this Saturday at the Concordia Club.
Angie: That place is...
Who knew rastafarians were descended from the children of israel?
I didn't know that. Did you know that?
Yeah, man. King Solomon? He had dreads and a hookah.
I didn't know that. [ angie squeals ]
Tracy just invited me to her wedding!
- Really? - Yes.
It'll be our first wedding together.
[ laughs ] Right on. It's gonna be a...
Now you're locked in through my wedding.
Barry, you're...
Eddie: You need a little father/son time there.
Come on. Go ask him for that game of catch you never had, like "field of dreams."
You owe it to yourself. Come on. You deserve it.
I'm gonna have to throw something different at him.
What's that?
How do you tell your dad that you ruined his wedding?
- Totally different movie. - It's a totally different movie, yeah.
- Well, good luck with that. I'm gonna go over here. - Thank you.
About a two on the support meter.
Hey.
Um...
I want to talk to you about, uh, Deb.
Forget it. She's on her way to Phoenix tomorrow.
- Gone is gone. - No, I owe you an apology.
Apology? What for?
When you told me that she was gonna be your last bride,
I didn't, uh... I didn't really believe you.
[ laughs ]
I don't blame you, not with my track record.
Uh, it was...
It was my fault.
I want you to be happy. Okay? I do.
And I thought that that meant, uh, single.
So I, uh... I tested you a little bit,
with Roxie and the two lesbians and...
and the girl that kissed you at the... at the pop-a-shot. That was, uh...
That was me. That was... I did that.
- [ laughing ] That was you? - Yeah.
I didn't see that coming.
[ chuckles ]
[ laughs ]
You know what?
Give the old, big bear a hug, huh?
I'm really sorry.
I know you are, son.
Ohh!
Whoa, whoa, hey! Geez!
Hey, look. Not on shabbas.
That wasn't in "field of dreams," Eddie.
- Morning. - Hey.
Shiner looks good on you.
Wear what you earn, right?
[ chuckles ]
Hangover?
Heart-over?
No such thing as a "heart-over."
Dad...
Do you know why I got married as much as I did?
No.
Love is the last original thing.
Makes me feel like a million bucks.
Well, I've got a couple of salons to hit in town.
Boise after that, butte, bismarck... killer b's.
Maybe we should talk before you, uh...
I'm more talked out than a 14-year-old girl's cellphone.
Maybe next time, huh?
You want to come to the wedding tonight as...
my plus-one?
Hey.
Hi.
Listen, I... there's something that I think you need to know.
Okay, that whole thing with my dad and the girl that happened,
that wasn't real. II did that.
I was trying to prove something, and it blew up in my face.
- Why would you do that? - Well, uh...
Okay, my... my dad lives large.
Right? I mean, I think that's... that's why, uh,
he... he... he liked getting married so much,
you know, because the whole thing was big.
but I also know
that he really liked not being married.
I mean, honestly, have you ever...
Have you ever met a guy half as fun as my dad?
He's kind of "good time jack," isn't he?
I didn't think that he could do both.
And so I thought I was showing him something.
But at the end of it all, he ended up showing me.
Honestly, I've never seen my dad so, um...
...satisfied?
That's not the word.
Um...
I know this much... I know that he loves you.
Okay. All right.
That was my best man's speech, by the way,
just in case we don't get to the wedding, so...
[ clears throat ]
[ knock on door ]
It's open.
No notebook?
No questions. Just wanted to wish you two luck.
Thanks.
Um, I hope your article turns out well.
You were right, you know.
About what?
The broken heart.
Her name was Veronica. Left me at the altar.
I wish she left me at the altar.
What happened?
Faked her own kidnapping. [ both laugh ]
Do you have any idea how much planning that involves?
No. [ chuckles ]
[ chuckles ]
Oh, hey, dude.
Barry. I just... Wanted to wish you luck.
Thanks.
Bye.
Well...
Game time.
He's not coming, is he? My groom.
Oh, are you kidding me?
He's definitely coming.
Maybe he's here already.
Are you ready?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah, big fake day for you.
Looks like it.
You still worried about karma?
Petrified.
[ Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays ]
[ music ends ]
Do you, Barry, take Tracy
to have and to hold from this day forward,
to give her your hand and your heart?
Barry, you don't have to do this.
Yeah, you really don't have to do this.
Well...
actually, I was just thinking about it just now.
and I mean, how could it be bad karma
to do something nice for somebody who's so nice?
Tracy? [ clears throat ]
I do.
Woman: And, Tracy, do you take Barry to have and to hold from this day forward,
to give him your hand and your heart?
Tommy: [ clears throat ]
Tracy...
You don't want to do this.
[ chuckles ]
I mean, shouldn't you say "I do" when you actually do?
I second that.
Take it from a guy who says "I do" like a baptist says "amen."
[ chuckles ]
I'm his dad. Figured I'd chip in.
- That was good. - Hi.
- I want to say something, too... - No, you don't actually have to say anything.
- ...right here... - Eddie.
- ...in front of everyone. - I... okay.
I love my lesbian wife.
That's it. [ crowd murmurs ]
You were right.
Rachel was just a phase.
I knew it.
I want my 9-iron back. I want my toolbox back.
Angie...
I'm sorry.
I think we have to break up.
[ grunts ] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Hmph.
[ scattered applause ]
[ sighs ]
Best wedding ever.
[ pop ]
[ women gasp ]
You realize you broke half the breakup rules all at once?
- In a public place. - Peak emotional moment.
- A wedding. - Mm-hmm.
I got to say, though, I'm proud of you.
I mean, you took that punch like a man. You didn't go down.
[ laughter ] Eddie: I was proud of you.
No, look. It was sloppy, I'll admit.
But, you know, on the bright side,
the eye will heal before Valentine's day.
Hey, guys, check it out.
[ mid-tempo big-band music playing ]
Oh, get out of here. You don't think those two are...
Maybe Tracy's not crazy.
It's fate.
Maybe her soul mate did arrive, hmm?
Hmm.
Beautiful day for a wedding, just not mine.
[ chuckles ]
- How about you, dad? - Hmm?
What?
Deb?
Tommy: You know, maybe the important thing isn't that his marriages end...
but that they start.
Maybe he'll get it right this time.
It's okay. I know everything.
What the hell. There's champagne and food.
- You want to get married? - Yes. [ both laugh ]
Tommy: All right, that's enough kissing.
That's enough.
Now, uh, as the best man, I know I'm supposed to do a toast.
I've... I've done that your past four weddings...
[ light laughter ]
so I've actually chosen to do something a little different this time.
Dad, you want to come up here and do a song with me?
[ cheering ]
[ "Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys" plays ]
Whoo!
♪ Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys♪
I love this song.
♪ Don't let 'em pick guitars or drive them old trucks♪
♪ Let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such♪
♪ cowboys ain't easy to love♪
♪ and they're harder to hold♪
♪ They'd rather give you a song than diamonds or gold♪
♪ Lonestar belt buckles and old, faded levis♪
♪ and each night begins a new day♪
♪ If you don't understand him and he don't die young♪
♪ he'll probably just ride away♪
♪ Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys♪
♪ 'cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone♪
♪ even with someone they love♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Whoo!
[ whistles ]
Whoo!
- Roxie, it's up. - Have you looked at it?
You mean this column that just came up right now? No, it just came up.
[ sighs ]
"How I met my fiancée"?
Well, there's not even a picture of me.
There's no mention of me.
No, look right there. There's a mention of you.
It says Boboroff met Tracy at Rutherford Events.
Sweet.
Do they mention that I'm gonna be planning their wedding?
Let's see.
Ohh.
Actually, they're going with Corgy and associates.
Apparently, they really liked the movie.
[ screams ]
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