Ding!
Mmm. (Makes chomping sounds)
Ding. What are we?
A typewriter.
Unsanitary.
Brad is correct. Jane is a bitch.
- Yes! (Laughs) - Mm.
I'm always right about cornplay.
Was wrong about Coldplay, though. They're still huge.
Yes, they are.
Speaking of things we never thought would last,
look at you two. Still going strong.
Yeah, best of all,
we've got the original foursome back together.
- Roll call! - Oh!
- Brad. Jane. - Mm.
Dave. Alex.
We must protect this house!
(Whoops) Yeah!
- And Max! (Brad) - Yeah!
Hello? This is not a foursome.
You guys are totally fifth-wheeling me.
Come on, man. We're not fifth-wheeling you, Joey Fatone.
Yeah, you're still part of the group, sporty spice.
You're our favorite character, Roz from "Frasier."
Watch it.
Oh, Roz. She was the rozziest.
Whatever. I don't need the four of you anyway,
because here comes Penny,
and she no doubt has a tall tale to tell
about how she ruined her 10 day old relationship with Pete.
- I live for these stories. (Penny) - Hey, guys.
Hey. Pen. Let me guess.
Pete broke up with you because he was shaving at your house
and caught you whipping the whiskers into a little vial
that you would thus wear around your neck
so you would always have a piece of him on you.
- No. - Max, that is rude.
I am sure that he broke up with her
because she showed him a video of her birth
because she thought it would "bring 'em closer"?
I know. She came up with a nickname for his junk,
- then got confused and called it "dad." - Could be.
No. You guys! STD.
I was gonna guess that! You to him or him to you?
No, STD-- Sorry To Disappoint,
also, still together, dummies.
Double STD.
That's right, friends, Pete and I are a-doing a-great.
- Oh, yeah. Well, where is this Pete? - He's parking the car.
Yeah? The getaway car? He's about to come in here
and break up with you right in front of us?
Hey, everyone.
Ah, do it, Pete.
Missed you, babe.
Aw! Okay, scooch, guys.
(Brad) Man on end.
There's a man coming through.
(All speaking at once)
Uhh! (Thud)
(Penny, Jane, and Alex) Oh!
(Alex) Seriously?
(Penny) - Idiot. - Max, you're the rozziest.
(Laughter)
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
So we are all set for dad's party.
Traditional Serbian restaurant-- check.
Traditional Serbian menu-- a-check.
Traditional Serbian music--
Czech... Oslovakian.
It is tough to find a Serbian band.
By the way, Jane, I took care of the apps.
We're gonna have head cheese dumplings
with blood sausage dipping sauce.
(Gags)
Okay, now I just have to figure out
what I'm gonna say in my toast to dad.
Just say something nice and heartfelt.
- You're good at that. - Boring.
This year, I'm a-gonna do some a-comedy.
That's a a-terrible a-idea.
Yeah, especially for dad. He doesn't laugh at anything.
I mean, except for Gallagher.
- But who doesn't find Gallagher hilarious? - I don't.
With the watermelons and the smashing? (Laughs)
It's funny because it's wasteful.
- It's just not funny. - Well, I am gonna make him laugh
by constructing the perfect joke
appealing to his specific interests,
crafted by his loving daughter, who's done exhaustive research.
Comedy's all about research, babe.
It's why Dave Chappelle has two Lexisnexis accounts.
- You'll see. - I don't know.
I mean, your dad's kind of a tough room.
So... parties, right?
Why would you say that?
Well, at least this year I've got Dave.
Actually, I told Dave that he didn't have to go.
- What?! - I know, but these family events are so long and boring.
- Got that right. - Plus Dave's steak truck
just got hired for a Quinceañera.
Yeah. 15-year-old Mexican girls love Dave.
They call him vaquera blanca de fuego.
- ¿Que? - The fiery white cowgirl.
He is not fiery.
No.
So you're really not going to Mr. K's party?
Yeah. Alex said she was cool with it.
Oh, Dave, you scruffy dummy.
- I'm glad you came to me. - You came here.
Going to family events is a major part
of being in a serious relationship.
You have to be there.
This is the 20th anniversary of a man's mattress store.
It's two decades of pillow tops and memory foam.
Memory foam, Dave--
it doesn't forget, and neither will Alex.
So even though Alex said I don't have to go,
she really wants me there.
And bingo was his name-o.
David, I have been in a thriving relaysh
for-- I can't even remember how long.
- 10 days. - 11 nights. You have to trust me.
I don't want to overstate it, but I think
I've sort of mastered relationships completely,
like forever, into perpa-tutu.
Well, I do think you want to overstate it,
but I'm happy that you and Pete are happy.
It is going so great!
I haven't even made that list of faults that I make for every guy
so that if we break up,
I can console myself with his many weaknesses and such.
- You do that? - Oh, yeah.
Name any guy I've ever dated.
Simon.
Micro junk, played the recorder,
addicted to angel dust.
Oh. Now I feel better.
Simon was addicted to angel dust?
That's why he was always punching cars.
I just thought he was cool.
Max, you are gonna help me build the perfect joke for my dad,
you are my less fit, less handsome Bruce Vilanch.
Ooh. Low blow.
Okay, these are my dad's chief interests.
Pay attention. (Projector remote clicking)
- World War II... (Yawns) - Uh-huh.
- Chicago Bears. - Uh-huh.
Bass fishing.
Chevy Chase.
The actor or the Maryland suburb?
Neither. Talk show host.
My dad was a big fan of "The Chevy Chase Show."
He always bet on the wrong horse when it came to late night--
Rivers, Thicke, Johnson.
Loved "The Magic Hour."
Magic's a national hero.
He really raised awareness about how a person
could successfully live with not having a talk show.
- Mm. - Next interest.
No, that's it. I mean, except for old-timey slide projectors.
It's freaking me out.
I need a joke that is gonna hit on all of these areas.
Okay? So go!
All right.
Okay. (Sighs) Chevy. Chevy. Chevy. Chevy. Chevy.
I'm running with Chevy.
We're running away from Nazis.
I'm in a very "Saturday Nacht Live" place?
Let's try to find the middle of the road.
(Sighs) I'm sorry. I'm a little off my game, okay?
It's just-- Penny's been hanging out so much with Pete.
- I really miss her. - Mm.
I mean, her crazy train-wreck break-up stories
that make me feel so much better about my life.
Max, Penny's happy,
so as her friend, you should be--
Probably be trying to break her and Pete up.
Yeah, I just don't know if that seems like me,
but I do like your other idea.
- What other idea? - Find someone who's as big a mess as Penny,
start hanging out with her to make Penny jealous,
thus forcing Penny to come crawling back to me.
Never said that.
Oh, Jane. Give yourself some credit, girl.
You are that good.
Credit taken.
You put it in my brain.
(Indistinct conversations)
(Laughter)
Mmm.
Mmm. Yum.
Alex!
Mom!
- Oh! Hi, sweetie. - Hi.
(Gasps) Look at your plate.
What are you eating?
Salad?
What did I teach you about buffet strategy?
Always start with your high-end meats.
Skip veggies. They'll only fill you up with nonsense.
And...
(Together) Be sure to make sexual eye contact
with the carver.
Your stomach will thank you.
(Laughs)
I love you, mom.
Oh, don't get sappy. It's buffet time.
So then, Mike Ditka,
former Bears coach,
is in a sherman tank,
and he is holding a fish-- a bass.
Right.
And then he says... (Laughs)
he says, "next slide, please."
Boom.
(High-pitched voice) Huh.
Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Uh...
(Normal voice) I don't get it.
Okay. All right. "Next slide, please."
Boom! (Laughs)
(Laughs) Oh. Okay.
- Now is "boom" part of it? 'Cause, um, I-- (Man) - Hey!
- Hey, dad. - Oh, hey.
(Singsongy) Congratulations!
There's my girl.
Looking forward to your heartfelt toast tonight.
I could use a nap.
(Laughs) (Forced laugh)
(Clears throat) I might surprise you this year.
In fact, I am gonna go actually work on my toast right now.
So you're good. You're good, right?
No. Just don't...
♪ Stay with me ♪
(Exhales deeply)
Skinny Margarita, please.
(Clears throat)
(Continues clearing throat)
So...
parties, right? (Chuckles nervously)
Really?
You're still on that?
Um...
♪
Wanna hear a joke?
Try me.
Open.
Now there's a little pocket of meat in there.
Now bite down on it.
- And-- - Mmm!
- Uh-huh. What do you taste? (Mouth full) - More meat.
(Laughs) Now you're getting the hang of it.
- Mmm! (Dave) - Hey, everybody.
- Surprise! - Dave.
Alex. Mrs. K.
- Oh. - You look beautiful tonight.
- Oh, Dave, what are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
Well, Al, I know you said I didn't have to come,
but I thought about it, and I should be here.
We're getting serious again.
- Serious? (Laughs) - Yeah.
He means like how we're all getting serious again,
you know, 'cause of all the wars and the flash mobs
and that floating garbage island.
Okay, we are post-Katrina, guys.
In conclusion, let me walk you out, my solemn chum.
Let's go.
What was that all about?
Well... I may not have told my parents
- that we're back together. - What?
Maybe I did. No, I definitely didn't.
(Brad) So Mike Ditka rolls up
on his sherman tank, right?
And then Ditka says,
"next slide, please."
(Laughs loudly)
(Laughs)
Boom!
(Laughing)
No boom?
(Continues laughing)
That was hilarious!
Usually, I'm not much of a joke joke guy.
I like physical comedy-- something where
a big piece of fruit makes the ultimate sacrifice.
- You know what I'm talking about? - Yes.
But I am seeing you now in a whole new light, Brad.
Well, I hope it's a light
from Ditka's old-timey slide projector.
Uhh! (Laughs) (Laughs)
It's a great joke.
It was masterfully crafted.
Look, I'm sorry. You left me alone with him, and I panicked.
I'm seeing you in a whole new light, too--
the kind of light they use when you try on a bathing suit,
which is a very unflattering light, sir.
Not good!
How could you not have told your parents
that we're back together?
It's not the easiest conversation to have.
I mean, my father just now forgave me
for the whole wedding fiasco.
I mean, that was a hugely embarrassing event
- for our whole family. - Really?
- Yeah. - 'Cause my family thought it was a rocking good time.
Look, if I can get over this, so can your folks.
All right, let's tell them right now.
I'll do it. Come on.
Okay. Yeah. You're right. Let's do it.
Okay.
Dave Rose and my daughter Alex.
Hey.
You know, when I see you two nitwits,
I'm reminded of that fateful day
when you didn't get married, and I spent tons of money.
Remember that day?
You didn't get married. I spent tons of money.
You didn't spend tons of money. I did.
You know, I won't be able to retire on time.
Anyway, great to see you.
(Strained voice) Uh...
(Clenched teeth) Not as easy as you thought, huh?
Hey, you.
This is my new Penny.
Uh, friend. Sorry.
Penny, this is Nickel.
It's pronounced Nicole.
A Nickel's worth five times as much as Penny. (Laughs)
This trick got some crazy stories. Tell her, Nickel.
Well, I was dating this guy from my overdaters anonymous group.
His name is Kevin. Crap. I'm not supposed to say his name.
It's Kevin Murphy. Why am I telling you that?
His mother's maiden name is Andleman. Can't stop!
(Chuckles) - Then don't. - Anyway, I go to the trouble
to create a Yelp page about myself,
- and he doesn't even review me. - No.
But his mother does, and her review is scathing.
(Under breath) Unh-unh. Pronounce it like I taught you.
(Singsongy) Scah-thing!
Ooh. Nice.
- Oh, Max. - Oh, Penny.
- I know what you're doing. - Oh, do you?
Because I'm finally in, like,
a really healthy relationship with a great guy...
Mm-hmm.
And it's just making you feel
like I'm the perfect relationship guru,
and you want me to help your friend.
I will do it. Nicole, yay. Let's talk. Come here, baby girl.
Unh-unh-unh, baby girl.
We BFFs. What kind of lady tamps you usin'?
- Uh... - Okay, Nicole, do you mind if I ask you what sign you are?
- Taurus. - Okay. You're gonna need a really stable man,
like someone who deserves you.
(Gasps) Oh, my gosh! You need someone like Jimmy.
Jimmy is Pete's brother, and he is almost
as awesome as Pete.
Almost.
Nah, he's better. He's Jimmy.
(Penny) - Aw! - Are we in the same spin class?
Oh. Yeah.
Spin class or chemistry class?
It's like "Breaking Bad" in here. Sit down. Let's cook.
- My plan is failing. - Max, please scooch.
Scooch, scooch, scooch.
Ah. There we go.
I could do this all day.
Hmm... hmm.
(Thud)
The deejay wouldn't give us our money back--
only a credit on a future event.
Thank God for us, your grandma died.
Now her favorite song was "Brick House,"
so it all worked out. (Chuckles)
Look, Dave, isn't there something that you'd like to say
about people and their situation?
Yes. Mm.
Yes. Alex and I are--
Look, I'm sorry. I know I've been beating up on you guys,
but, Dave, I always really liked you.
- Actually, I have a lot of respect for you. - Really?
Yeah. It takes a big man to stay friends
with a woman who humiliated him like that.
- Well, I don't think "humiliated" is the right word. - Emasculated.
That's good. Oh, uh, embarrassed.
Uh-huh uh, castrated.
Ooh. Could the word "eunuch" be a verb?
- No. - It's a place, mom.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Well, Dave, what's new with you?
I mean, have you been dating anyone?
Dating? Yes.
Lots.
Yards and yards of ladies.
In fact, meters, even,
'cause of the Canadians.
(Imitates Canadian accent) Yeah, I'm all aboot
that Canadian strange, eh?
Gotta go.
I think Jimmy really liked Nicole.
Oh, what can I say? I have the hot hand. (Laughs)
(Jazz music playing)
Hello.
(Imitates Oprah Winfrey) How do you do it, Penny Hartz?
Where does it come from,
this uncanny knack
for giving lovers their road maps to happiness?
(Normal voice) I don't know.
I think it comes from always making the right moves
in my own relationship.
But you tell me. You're the expert. (Laughs)
Penny, what is this?
A list of "Pete's faults"?
Oh. That.
That list in particular--
that's about Pete Rose.
He-- he bet on baseball. He's a bad man. Let me just--
"Nipples a quarter inch too low,
too much of a gentleman in the boudoir,
repeated mispronunciation of kwy-noa?"
It's quinoa.
You made a list of my flaws?
No. Yes.
It's this thing that I do.
I think I gotta go.
Wait.
No!
Pete!
I'm pregnant! I'm not! But I could be!
We could sell it and live off the money!
There he is.
(Door closes)
Why the long face, Michael Phelps?
I don't know, man.
I guess I didn't really think about what it would mean
to get back together with Alex,
and now, you know, everyone in there is gonna want
to put in their 2 cents, and--
Buddy, you don't think Jane and I
have to deal with that every day?
Especially with family.
For years, my aunt Margaret's nickname for Jane
- has been "cocaine." - What?
Yeah. Skinny, white,
and a scourge to the black community.
That's a special kind of racism.
Yeah. You know what?
Jane and I get through it.
We don't care what people think.
You're right.
Wait. Aren't you stealing your wife's jokes
because you do care what Mr. K thinks?
Do as I say, bruh, not as I duh.
(Laughs)
You made the list?
Of course I made the fault list.
I'm me, and that is not all.
Oh, thank God that's not all. Hit me.
So after Pete left, I followed him down the street
into the convenience store where I hid in the magazine section.
- Uh-huh. - But then he saw me, so I tried to duck down...
- Uh-huh. - But my shirt got torn by the salty snack rack!
- Uh-oh! - And then my boob popped out.
Yes! Which one?
- The bad one. The right. - Uh-oh. The left.
To me, they're both horrible. Keep going.
- Keep going. Keep going. - Okay, so then I tried
to pull off a magazine to cover my boob,
and it's "Bride Weekly"!
What? Yikes on bikes!
Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes.
Oh, I have missed these stories.
I miss Pete.
(Laughs) (Laughs)
(Continues laughing)
(Crying)
Oh.
You really-- you really like him.
Mm-hmm.
(Mouth full) What's wrong, honey? You're not eating.
Nothing.
Oh.
You're just rolling your sausage around.
Yeah.
(Microphone feedback whines) (Clears throat)
(Amplified voice) Hey. Hey, Serbians.
Okay. So it's me, sincerity Jane,
and I'd just like to say a few heartfelt words to my dad
on his big day.
So here we go.
Are... you... ready to get wet?!
Oh, my God. She's doing it.
She's going full Gallagher.
Ah! (Laughter and applause)
Ha ha ha!
Okay! Here we go!
Stop, stop! Attention! Attention, everybody.
I have something to say.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I have an announcement to make.
Alex Kerkovich and I are dating again.
(Guests murmuring)
That's right.
The guy she left at the altar is back on the scene.
But you shouldn't look at me as a victim. No. No.
You should only look at the ladies that I was with
while Alex and I were broken up as victims...
of good sex. (Man chuckles)
Now I know all you have opinions
about us getting back together, but it doesn't matter.
Because Alex is okay with it,
and so am I.
I'm all in.
(Guests) Aw! (Applause)
(Jane) Aw!
Riveting cameo from Dave Rose. Oh. (Laughs)
Now back to my thing.
Dad, this is for you.
Aah!
Oh! (Guests gasp)
Babe?
Are you okay?
Hmm?
(Guests murmuring)
Did he laugh?
(Laughing)
Honey, are you all-- are you all right? (Stifles laugh)
I'm fine.
(Laughing) That was the funniest thing.
(Continues laughing)
(Door opens)
Knock, knock, knock.
Hey, Pen, you still feeling bad?
Well, I've got something that is just what the--
Damn it, Pete! (Stomps foot)
I was gonna say "just what the doctor ordered,"
and then you enter.
Pete, what are you doing here?
Penny, I, uh, I just want--
Look, Pen, I felt bad that you felt bad,
so I found Pete and I told him,
"don't be upset over some stupid list.
In fact, that means she likes you more."
The greater the guy, the longer the list.
Hmm?
(Grunts)
(Whierers) What is that, Pete?
We finish with the low five. (Clicks teeth)
Give me the list.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Let's go.
Quite a looker. (Whispers) Not much of a cooker, Pen.
Oh, my gosh. (Laughs)
"Max's faults, as of November 8, 2001.
One-- meatball sub consumption is bordering on a medical issue.
Two-- once during sex,
I heard him whisper, 'this is not what I want.'"
It was a whisper, but it felt like a shout.
"Three-- he has Bea Arthur's body."
- Well, that's-- I mean, that's-- (Laughs) - He really does.
And I think we've heard enough for one day.
I'm gonna let you take this one home, Pete.
Thanks, Maude.
(Chuckles)
Penny, I, um,
I'm sorry I freaked out,
but you're just a little weird.
But I like that you're a little weird.
- Aw. - And you're right. My nipples are a quarter inch too low.
They just are.
- Facts are facts. - Yeah.
Did you just say your nerps are a quarter inch too low?
Show him.
Um... (Clears throat) All right.
Tell me when to stop.
Stop.
Mm. Mm?
There they are.
Whoa. That is not a quarter inch.
I love 'em.
Thank you.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
Mm.
What? No.
(Keys clatter) Jimmy dumped Nicole?
Why?
Oh, come on. That's not fair, Pen.
She is not actually crazy. (Hat clatters)
She's, like, "Crazy, Stupid, Love" crazy,
not like people who loved "Crazy, Stupid, Love" crazy.
I mean, she's not a psycho.
I don't know.
I have to agree to disagree with you there.
If that guy is gonna walk around his apartment naked
for an hour and a half without realizing at all
that there was anyone else there? Pfft! Come on.
- That's on him. - Hello, Max.
Aah!
Oh, my God. You're insane,
and I love it, and I want to party with you forever.
Yay!
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com