(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles) == sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪The Cleveland Show 4x05♪ A Vas Deferens Between Men and Women Original Air Date on December 2, 2012
DONNA: Hey, everybody.
Breakfast house is ready.
Where's the buttery butter and the mapley syrup?
Nuh-uh!
This is my house, punk!
I believe it's in fork-closure.
(laughs) Oh.
Oh, here, you can have the chimney.
I love you, my boy.
Well, I'm not eating.
I need to look orphan-thin for my Annie audition.
Broadway audition? Off Broadway?
Regional theater? Summer stock?
Dinner theater? Cruise ship?
Talking to yourself in the mirror?
Community theater.
Oh. I was still three away.
RALLO: Good morning, everybody.
Notice something?
Not much. A lot.
Rallo, why are you Porky Pigging it?
Because I slept all night without a pull-up.
Boom! Dry! Bone dry!
You know what this means?
Silk boxers?
He can stop sleeping in the tub? Nothing?
It means he's not a baby anymore.
Oh, my God, you're right!
This a monumental day!
We can finally get rid of all his baby crap in the garage.
Hang a tennis ball in there.
Park it just right every time.
Rallo, bring the kerosene from your bedroom!
Junior, bring your torch!
ROBERTA: No! Stop!
You forgot his baby book
and the CD of all his baby photos.
Rallo, today you are a dead baby.
(cheering)
♪ We ain't got no babies
♪ We ain't got no babies ♪
♪ We ain't got no babies
♪ We ain't got no babies. ♪
CLEVELAND: Hey, now let's burn everything that belongs to Roberta!
(cheering)
Mm.
Cleveland, I've been thinking. What?
I'm 42 years old, Oof.
and there are some things I'm afraid I won't be able to do--
have a successful career,
backpack across Europe.
Or wear a bathing suit without a skirt on it.
Or have another baby.
Mm-hmm.
Well, night, now.
Cleveland...
I want to have another baby.
Uh? Wha...?
I want to have another baby.
Donna, we just got rid of a baby.
Let's enjoy our twilight years in peace.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to write a letter.
Long hand.
In the bathroom.
Peen, pen, pen, peen.
Donna wants a baby, Donna's gonna get a baby.
("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing)
(giggles)
(cooing baby noises)
The mobile is awesome.
I will hang it in my car.
We are not having a baby.
(bat hits ball, crowd cheering)
Cleveland, if we did have a baby,
I would need some help.
So I thought we'd get a sexy live-in nanny.
Girls!
Nope. Send 'em back.
(sighs)
DONNA: All right, girls. Back on the bus.
Please no make us.
We have so much herpes.
(doorbell rings)
Goo, goo, ga, ga.
I'm a baby.
I messed myself.
I love you, Daddy.
It ain't working, Donna.
What's Miss Donna got to do with this?
(off-key): ♪ I'm...
♪ Singing.
Stop, stop, stop.
That was awful. I've heard enough.
Did I get the part?
Yes. Next!
Look at me, I'm swinging!
Like Tarzan! Whoever that is.
The franchise needs to be revived!
Aw, man, my stock outfit.
Open can of paint...
Hey, stage manager.
Why are you stage managing?
Because there were no burly lesbians around
who wanted to do it.
Ha! That's who does that job.
Let me borrow your extra shirt.
What makes you think I have an extra shirt?
Come on, man.
Fat guys always have an extra shirt.
All that sweating, food dribbling, lactation.
Okay, okay.
Go get it from my locker.
Next up Roberta De Niro?
Stage name.
All right.
Time to get discovered.
Leapin' lizards, Daddy Warbucks!
I'm... Wait.
I don't need to hear any more. You've got the role...
Really?! ...of kicking the stool out from under me
as I hang myself because you were so dreadful.
Oh, it looks like I'll never find my Annie.
Man, Junior's shirt is unexpectedly large on me.
I feel like Al Roker after his third surgery.
Except all this would be skin.
That'll work.
MAN: Look out, I just waxed the floor.
Whoa...!
Wait, what's that?
Raise the scrim! Hit the lights!
Cue the music!
(playing "Hard Knock Life"
I think we've found our Annie!
What? Him?
Yes.
This play will be an historic display
of color-blind, gender-blind, talent-blind casting.
I'm gonna ride this little boy all the way to an Obie Award!
But, Mr. Gargalode, who am I gonna play?
It's "Miss," and I'm gonna throw you a bone.
And by that, I mean you can be the dog.
But you...
you are the star.
Me?
I'm a star?
I want to make a rap album.
Hey, baby. Get it?
There was an explosion at work.
I can't hear anything. Good night.
(whispering): French fries in gravy. Hmm?
So, there was no explosion at work.
There was, I just wasn't there.
Isn't there a part of you that's curious to see
what the two of us would make together?
Someone with my determination,
good looks, and upper-body strength,
and your last name?
I do have a good last name.
Oh, Cleveland, just look at Rallo.
They grow up so fast.
Junior's not gonna take baths with you forever.
I'll take that bet.
Oh!
You kill all my dreams!
Good night! Good night.
Hmm, Casablanca?
Never heard of it.
Philadelphia Story?
Terrible city.
Chinatown?
Mm. Not in the mood for subtitles.
Look Who's Talking?
I wonder if this is anything like Look Who's Talking Too?
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
BRUCE WILLIS: Yeah. Lunch.
Ha ha! Baby called boobies "lunch."
(laughs)
Baby driving a car!
(laughing)
John Travolta kissing a woman!
(laughing)
(choked up): And now he's calling him "Daddy."
Look who's sobbing.
Donna. Wake up.
I want to make a baby.
You do?
What made you change your mind?
Look Who's Talking movie.
We're gonna have a dumb baby.
Kids, great news.
We're having a talking baby.
Like Verne Troyer?
Exactly.
What this means is when Mommy and Daddy
put a sock on their doorknob,
we do not bother them,
no matter how bad the dream was,
or how thirsty we are.
Or how much we hear what sounds like a mugging in progress.
Or what sounds like
wet chicken breasts slapping against each other.
Mmm.
Or a boot being pulled out of the mud.
Ooh.
Or like someone mixing macaroni and cheese.
(sultry music plays)
Cleveland. Right.
Kids, clean that mess up.
(both giggling)
So let me get this right.
You make a baby with mud, chicken and mac and cheese?
That's what Paula Deen is made of.
Ha! Got her.
Come on, Sandy, we're going to N.Y....
(clears throat)
I could use a glass of water.
Junior, you mind getting me some water?
There's a water fountain right there.
We can't have our star drinking from a public fountain.
That water's 90% lead.
And while you're at it, get me some Pringles.
(groans)
I am wore out.
Monday Night Raw.
Is anyone curious why?
Curious? No.
Trapped? Yes.
Guys, Donna and I are making a baby.
No, you're not.
What? You got a vasectomy.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. Six months ago.
We all got drunk and played Truth or Dare.
Holt got a tramp stamp,
you got a vasectomy,
and Tim tried meth.
One time, one time.
Okay, two.
A vasectomy?
So that's why my boys hurt for three weeks.
I thought a spider had laid eggs in there.
Donna?
There's something serious we need to talk about.
Mm. Down, Brown.
Donna, a few weeks ago,
while presumably blackout drunk, I...
Cleveland, I sent the kids on a six-minute errand.
You know what that means.
No one will hear me whimper?
(Cleveland whimpers happily)
♪
Leapin' lizards, Daddy Warbucks!
Your mansion is way better
than mean ol' Miss Hannigan's orphanage.
Annie, you're all right.
Oh! This is stupid dumb.
How come Rallo gets to rehearse on Skype?
Because he was unhappy with the humidity level
in the auditorium.
Annie got to have her frizz.
You know, just a thought on Sandy...
I think to really sell "dog,"
she should be eatin' real dog food.
Oh, my God! Get out of my brain! Yes!
Annie, got your gum!
(laughing)
I got that, did you get it? Yeah, I got it.
That's Hubba Bubba.
I asked for Dubble Bubble.
They're both gum.
They are not both gum.
When I ask for something, I get it!
And this goes for all of you!
Turn me. You!
Turn me again. And you!
Me?
All of you!
If Annie's not happy, you got no show.
WALLY: It's you have no show.
And by the way, you do have no show.
If you want to do a musical, you have to pay for the rights.
ALL: Oh...
I've heard that. Yeah, I've heard that more.
And since we spent all our budget
on Rallo's grandiose demand-ee-ohs,
we have no money.
Therefore, no play.
What demand-ee-ohs?
Well, your trailer, for one.
What?
I'm not gonna be a star?
Exactamundo-rooney!
Thank God.
Rallo was turning into such a diva.
He was so mean.
But his occasional compliments made me walk on air.
The thing is, my wife and I have been having crazy sex.
Lights on, clothes off,
first names... everything.
But turns out I had a vasectomy.
Is there any chance I could still get her pregnant?
Zero.
But the procedure is reversible.
Great! Let's do it.
Okay, just put this on,
while I disclose a few of the potential side effects.
First, fluid buildup
and swelling of the genitals.
Always a concern. Go on.
Bleeding in scrotum. Okay.
And sperm granuloma.
I prefer milk on my granuloma in the morning.
Oh, (laughs), yes, I see.
No, no, no, sperm granuloma occurs when
sperm leaks into your scrotum and forms an inflamed mass.
Oh. But don't worry.
I've done this twice on a dummy.
Now lie back and relax.
Now to make the initial incision...
I'll try to match your natural seam,
so as not to slice against the grain.
Preesh.
All right, I've made the cut...
and I've made a mistake.
Nurse, abort the procedure.
What? What happened?
Shh, shh, shh, now, now, now, now, now.
I'm trying to concentrate.
There it is! Got it! No!
Whoops! It's all you.
I've got it, I've got it!
No, no, don't step on it!
Oop...
And I owe you a new cup of coffee.
You know what, Doc?
I'm gonna pray on this.
(Cleveland whimpers)
Gotta come clean.
Don't let her seduce you.
I will not get turned on.
CCH Pounder on the toitey.
CCH Pounder on the toitey...
No! No hump!
Cleveland, I'm pregnant! No.
Yes. Really?
So, you're pregnant.
Are you sure?
Cleveland, I've been pregnant five times. Yeah, I'm sure.
How could this be?
(laughs)
You acting like you weren't there when it happened.
Of course I was.
I had to have been.
What possibly could've snipped my involvement?
You know, they say babies can hear everything in the womb.
Do you want to say "hi"?
I'd love to.
I don't know who you are,
or how you got there,
but I'll never love you. Ever.
And I'm going to follow your mother until I find out
who your father is,
and then lord it over her until she is destroyed.
That is the only way to repair this relationship.
Love you. Oh...
I probably will love you, after I see your little face.
(giggles) (chuckles)
(sighs)
Good-bye, Annie.
For us, there is no tomorrow.
(sobbing)
Rallo?
Ro-Ro! J.J.!
I'm so sorry I got the show-show shut down.
I ruined it, not just for me
but for you guys, and that terrible cast.
I let it all go to my head.
And now I'm the most pathetic thing on earth:
a former child star.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go get this over with and hold up a Laundromat.
Rallo, wait.
I think there's a way to do the show
even without the rights.
We'll do our own knockoff version!
Ack, ugh!
Girl don't know how to whisper.
I am whispering!
DONNA: And so then Dr. Fist called to talk to Cleveland,
and I find out he had a vasectomy
and refused to get it reversed.
So to get back at him, I've been faking a pregnancy.
So suddenly we're friends?
I have no one else to talk to.
So how long you gonna keep up the ruse?
I won't tell the truth
until he admits the truth about his vasectomy.
But don't you still want a baby?
Oh, I can always have a baby.
But how often do I get to
have the upper hand against my husband?
You know, when I can really rub his face in it.
Your people's marriages are so interesting.
Let's go shower off.
How dare Donna lie to me?
She drew first blood.
Not me.
I guarantee Kendra whizzed in here.
So what are you going to do about Donna?
Nothing.
I won't admit I'm lying
until she admits she's lying.
That's gonna be kind of rough.
Not nearly as rough as the hands of this guy massaging me.
Want to take it down a notch, Sven?
(deep voice): Sorry, sir.
And... boom goes the dynamite.
Cleveland?
I'm home, and nauseous with morning sickness
because I'm pregnant.
Cleveland?
Oh, hey, Donna.
I was just finishing up the paint job on the nursery.
Now, before I unwrap this expensive, Swedh,
non-returnable-once-opened crib set I spent $2,000 on,
is there anything you want to tell me?
Two thousand...!
No. Is there anything you want to tell me?
No. My lovely, pregnant wife.
Nothing.
Ah! I'm blind!
Oh.
(woman screaming)
Put the 3D glasses back on, Cleveland.
I mean, we have to be prepared.
Unless there's something you want to tell me.
(woman moaning)
(gagging): No.
Is that...?
Ah, she's pooping! She's pooping!
It's the miracle of...
(retching)
Excuse me, excuse me.
Huge, nine-months-pregnant wife coming through.
But her boobs haven't gotten any bigger for some reason.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
And now, with the approval of our team of lawyers...
(whispering) Mm-hmm.
...Stoolbend Community Theatre proudly presents
a sufficiently altered, sound-alike knockoff production
Anny with a "Y"!
(jaunty music plays)
♪ It's a bad luck world for we
♪ It's a bad luck world, says me ♪
♪ No one tucks you into bed
♪ When your mom and dad are dead ♪
♪ It's a bad luck world.
(music stops, applause)
(musical sting)
You rotten orphanage residents!
We love you, Miss Shenanigans.
Crawlin' chameleons, Papa Starbucks.
Can I really move into your big ol' mansion with you?
Damn skippy, Anny with a Y.
And I promise I won't try anything nasty.
(gentle melody plays)
♪ Tomorrow will be so sunny
♪ Bet a bunch of money that it's sunny ♪
♪ On that day
Ruff! We're under attack!
The Martians have landed!
And they've got space AIDS!
Looks like we have no choice.
I'm finally gonna meet you, Mom and Dad.
In hell!
(rumbling boom)
♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow
♪ There is no tomorrow
♪ The world just got blown away. ♪
(lights crackling)
(cheering)
Whoo! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Careful.
That's a lot of sudden movement.
You know, for the baby that's under your shirt.
My water broke.
So we're really doing this?
I guess we are.
(screams) Push!
(groans) Push!
(screams)
Oh, the pain!
It's so real.
Give me more morphine.
Um, you've had kind of a lot.
Especially considering there's just a couch cushion in there.
Aha! Liar!
You were never pregnant!
You're the liar! You had a vasectomy!
If I may interject...
you're both terrible people
who should not have any children.
In fact, I am not even comfortable
sending that cushion home with you.
Shh, shh, shh.
You're with Daddy now.
Oh, he's right.
I'm exhausted just pretending to have been pregnant.
I'm 42 years old. Ugh.
What was I thinking?
I don't have the energy to have another baby.
Plus, I gained 20 pounds.
Higher, Bob.
Yeah, I'm always tired.
That baby would've died.
What do you say, instead of a baby,
we just get a couple hammocks for the side yard?
Ooh! Or maybe one of those big ones
we can lie in together.
Or maybe a couple one-person ones.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==