'cause, you know, he was gay.
Then one night, I went to this concert
and met Elliot-- perfect for me.
Sexy, successful, and most important, straight.
But the man just couldn't commit.
We're on. We're off.
Then we pretended to be on,
but we were really off.
So what's the best cure for a broken heart?
Pizza!
And that's when I met Frankie--
Everything a girl and her gay ex-husband could want.
But then, Peter slipped in the shower
and started bleeding, which made me nauseous.
So we go to the hospital.
And then, sweet Frankie came rushing to my side.
But guess who's back to eat my heart out again.
Elliot! Oy!
Elliot, what are you doing here?
Judi told me about Peter.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey!
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Except for this pain in my ass that keeps coming back.
You know, this is getting very uncomfortable.
Fran, can we talk for a minute?
no, I have to stay here with Peter.
Excuse me.
No, I have to stay here with Peter.
How about I walk you out?
Seriously?
Yeah, let's take a walk outside.
Well, I have an idea. Why don't we stay?
'cause you're gonna wind up here anyway.
Okay.
You two are being ridiculous.
Now I want this macho fighting over me to stop--soon.
All right, I'm sorry, babe. You're right.
You do what you gotta do.
I'll give you some privacy.
Elliot, I told you, it's over.
I have something wonderful with Frankie.
Really?
- Do you have this? - No, no, no!
Stop that right now, Elliot.
You have to get it through your head
that a relationship is more than just
hot sex on a platter, sick animal magnetism.
- Is it? - Well, that's what I hear.
Fran, I am not giving up on us.
Go while you still have your dignity.
Yes, please.
I'm talking to you, Fran.
Elliot, I think that it's best
that we never see each other again.
Fran, just let me say one thing--
No, Elliot.
Nobody here wants to hear what you have to say.
If I were you, sir, I would just walk away.
Which I will enjoy for multiple reasons.
You take care of yourself.
I'm so happy.
Give me a hug.
Not you. Frankie.
I love this guy!
♪ She was certain that ♪
♪ he was her one and only ♪
♪ but their union always seemed a little forced ♪
♪ she got married anyway ♪
♪ turns out that he was gay ♪
♪ they're still in love ♪
♪ but now she's happily divorced ♪
Oh.
Oh, you have such strong hands.
It's from kneading dough.
Mm, I love your curves, Frannie.
That's from eating dough.
To us.
Ooh.
Mm.
- Good night. - Good what?
Believe me, I don't wanna
but I gotta get back to my pizza parlor.
No!
How about I send you a nice piping hot sicilian?
I like the one I got right here.
Do you really have to go?
Hey, you think it's easy leaving you two?
Call us later.
Oh, Petey.
Remember when we said that we'd know when it was right?
Yeah.
I just wish my mother had lived
to see me so happy.
Aw!
Oh, look how cute Frankie is.
He got me a bottle of '75 Sonoma Cabernet
'cause that's the year I was born.
Good thing you didn't tell him the truth.
It'd be vinegar.
Judi, you haven't taken your nose
out of that book since you got here.
What are you reading?
Fifty shades of Grey.
Ooh.
I gotta get this book on audio so I can read it hands free.
Hm.
Ooh, Cincuenta sombras de Grey?
My wife reads me that book in bed.
All the tying up and the spanking--
That Christian Grey is a very naughty girl, huh?
Wait, wait.
You know Christian Grey is the man, right?
That bitch.
So, Fran!
Has Frankie ever tried any of this stuff with you?
Oh, not yet. We're taking it slow.
How slow?
You've been dating for three weeks.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me you haven't given up the ill na-na?
You haven't had sex with him yet?
You know, if somebody would take their nose
out of the lady porn, maybe they would realize
what's important in a relationship.
You don't have to take your clothes off
to have a good time. Oh, no.
Oh, look at you all mature and what not.
- Mm-hmm. - Hey, Judi.
She's crazy.
Fran, I just got rear-ended.
Oh, what'd I tell you?
It's not so great, right?
- A car hit me. - Oh.
- Yeah, and the lady was all shook up.
And you know, I handled everything so beautifully.
She hired me as her personal assistant.
Personal assistant?
What about being a realtor?
I can do this and still
not make money selling houses.
And when I tell you the lady's name,
you are going to "die-na-stee."
Oh, liar!
Not liar.
Oh, my God.
Alexis Carrington-Colby totaled our car?
See, Alexis was just an Emmy-nominated
Golden Globe-winning part I played.
Joan is an officer of the most excellent order
of the British empire.
But I don't like to brag.
Ms. Collins, I shall prepare you
a spot of tea-- english breakfast
with a drop of hot milk and honey, not sugar.
I was born to kiss ass.
Isn't he divine?
So anal.
Yeah, well, that's very recent.
Look!
A '75 Sonoma Cabernet.
Oh, screw the tea.
That's from Frankie, the new guy in my life.
Ooh, do tell.
Oh, he's fabulous.
We have so much fun together.
We laugh, we play games, we eat pizza.
And when does the clown arrive?
Oh, I know how it sounds, but trust me.
Frankie is just what I was missing.
I had the insane hot sex with a record producer.
Doing it backstage at the Grammys.
Doing it on Van Halen's private jet.
Oh, been there, done them.
Frankie, he's a keeper.
Oh, he makes me feel so secure.
He's so steady and stable and caring.
He put down sticky flowers on the floor
so Peter wouldn't slip in the shower again.
I mean, is that not a heart of gold?
Oh, sorry, darling, I dozed off
halfway through your story.
Now, listen to me, Fran.
- Oh, may I call you Fran? - Of course.
- May I call you Joan? - Not yet.
Any woman who says that she can be happy
without fire and passion is either lying
or lying dead.
Take it from me, I've been around for 49 years.
49 years?
In June.
Look, Ms. Collins, I appreciate your advice
but I'm not stupid.
I mean, I think that I know whether or not
I'm with a guy who's right for me.
Tea and crumpets, my lady.
Oh, ma, I'm so confused.
I mean, I was feeling so content with Frankie.
Then that Joan Collins had to breeze in
and tell me that I'm lying to myself
if I think that I could live without fire and passion.
I want fire and passion.
Now I'm beginning to think,
is it weird that Frankie and I haven't had sex yet?
You know Joan Collins?
Oy, she's here.
So what's the good news?
Your daughter is hanging out with Joan Collins.
Joanie! The love of my life?
Did Mommy tell you she's my free pass?
Daddy, I'm having a crisis here.
You know, my free pass is Richard Chamberlain.
Oh, that is my kind of man.
Like mother, like daughter.
Ma, were you and daddy, like, hot and heavy
right from the beginning?
Oh, no, of course not.
Your father courted me for months and months.
What are you talking about?
We did it in the balcony of the R.K.O on our first--
Shut up, Glen.
Sweetheart, it's okay.
All men are different.
Your father happens to be an animal.
Oh.
The doctor said my testosterone
was freakishly high.
But what if I don't have that kind of passion
with Frankie?
Find it.
Sweetheart,
some men just need a little push.
So if you wanna start a fire,
you gotta get some wood.
Is that advice, or were you having a stroke?
So, Frankie, honey,
it'll only take me a minute to get dressed.
There's the picture that I'd love you to hang.
Oh, you got it, babe.
Ooh, I like those slippers.
Oh, do you?
My mother's got those.
Mm, sexy. I like it.
It's called "Passion."
I got one with a kitten hanging on a branch.
It's called "Perseverance."
Wow.
You look sexy in that, Frannie.
Let's hope your mother doesn't have it.
Uh, baby?
- Sweetie. - Well, honey--
What-y?
But we--but we got dinner reservations.
Well, cancel 'em.
Frankie, we've been seeing each other for over a month.
Don't you wanna throw me on the bed
and ravage me?
Fran,
I don't have sex with a woman.
Oh, no.
Not again!
Not like that.
When I care about a woman,
I make love to her.
I'm not just gonna treat you like some chick
I would just do in the backseat of my car.
Why?
Frankie, I'm a passionate woman.
I want my man to desire me, to want me,
to rip my clothes off
when I'm waiting on hold with Time Warner Cable!
What, you-- you want an animal?
Yes! I want an animal!
Fine.
I will show you an animal.
Ahh.
Oh.
Ahh.
Wow.
Whew!
Man, that was...
wild.
You're the last person on earth
that I would ever wanna hurt.
But after last night, I realized
that I just don't feel the spark.
I'm sorry, but it's over.
How could you do this?
Frankie was perfect for us!
We're a special needs household,
And you just threw him away!
There was no chemistry!
It's a waste of time.
How many good years do you think I got left?
Shut up!
Honey, you're just so quick to find the fatal flaw.
No, sometimes it takes me many, many years!
Hello. Oh, uh, Ms. Collins.
Yes, I'm already in the car.
If you wait five minutes-- and she hung up.
All right, I'd love to stay,
but I have to escort Ms. Collins
down the red carpet at the Golden Globes
and then wait for her in the parking lot
of the Pollo Loco.
Oh, Fran.
Come on, don't cry, baby.
I miss Elliot!
And we're back.
I know that you thought that he was wrong for me,
but I love him!
Maybe I could've learned to live
with the pain and the suffering and the uncertainty.
I'm jewish.
Fran, you really--
Or maybe--maybe he really was gonna change
and I didn't give him a chance.
Oh, who am I kidding?
Why can't I find a guy who has it all?
Honey, you did.
But I'm gay.
Fran?
Oh, Frannie.
Peter, what are you doing here?
Oh, sorry.
I just--aah.
- Hey. - Hey.
I was, uh, just in the neighborhood and I--
I was feeling bad about how it ended with us.
You mean when you called me a big pain in the ass?
I knew you'd take that wrong.
Uh, man, I was high as a kite in that hospital.
I was on, like, three ibuprofen.
You know what, Peter?
We're good. It's fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
- We're good? - Mm-hmm.
Good.
- How's Fran? - Oh, fine, you know Fran.
She's busy with the flower shop.
And she broke up with Frankie.
- And she got a new pair of boots. - What?
- Thigh-high suede. I think they're a little '90s.
- What happened? - I don't know.
She usually has such good taste.
With Frankie, Peter.
How should I know, Elliot?
I'm not all, like, you know, up in her business.
Ow. F--
- Peter! - She's miserable!
She dumped him.
And she's still in love with you.
- She is? - Yes.
I however, sir, am not.
I am doing this against every bone in my body.
But I want her to be happy.
And if we're gonna let you back in,
I want your word
that you will not break her heart again.
You have got to promise me
that you will get your act together.
Please! Please?!
Please, can't you help me?
Oh, dear.
If I'd have done that,
I'd have gotten to play Cleopatra.
Oh, Ms. Collins.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
This is Elliot, the gentleman Fran used to date.
Oh, yes, of course, the record producer.
Hi, I'm Joan.
So he can call you Joan?
Yes.
So Fran told you about me?
Oh, yes, she did-- in great detail.
Uh, Ms. Collins, you have a red carpet
And a press line and a husband.
And you have a lot to learn.
And you have a woman that you love
at home, alone.
Make it happen, dude.
Thanks, Pete.
Hmm. Not bad.
This is what I've been saying.
Fran! Fran, get out here.
What is it?
Oh, my God. Look at you.
It's worse than I thought.
What do you mean? What? What?
I don't even know where to begin.
- Take this off. - What's the matter with you?
Take this off. Take this off.
Really, yoga pants?
These are yoga pants?
Ow! Are you crazy?
- What are you doing? - Shake your hair out.
- No! Why? - Shake your hair out!
I told you, no more ventis!
Right. Get up, get up!
I am up!
No, not you, them.
Ow! Ow! Stop it, stop it!
- Stop it! - Go.
Get to it.
- Ow! - Stop!
Okay.
Jeez!
- Elliot. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
I wanna talk to you.
Elliot, please, don't do this to me again.
Fran,
I love you.
I love you too, but--
Fran, will you marry me?
Is that a yes?
Oh, yes!
Yes! Yes!