Something's wrong with him.
I don't know the P.C. term,
but I think he's slow.
Yes, of course he's slow, mother.
- He's a turtle. - No, I mean intellectually.
And he doesn't do any tricks.
Sometimes, I put him on his back and spin him,
but, really, that's more my trick than his.
I thought your only trick was making vodka disappear.
And of course, he's almost never out of that shell.
I don't know what he's doing in there,
but I can assure you it's filthy
like you and those long showers, George.
Uh, uh--
So I'll see you tomorrow?
What? No. No, turtle's fine.
It's, uh, it's, uh-- I'll see you in a month.
Very funny. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
You promised you'd come to dinner.
No, I don't remember saying that.
Fine, I'll come to Thanksgiving,
how did you get in my apartment?
You record our conversations?
A little trick I learned from your father during the divorce.
You record our conversations?
See you tomorrow.
Bring a pie.
Guess what?
If I'm going, you're going too.
Dorothy! Hey, hey. Hi, listen.
I was wondering if I could maybe have tomorrow off.
Ahh, Doug, sorry. I do not see your name
on my color-coded holiday "request off" sheet
that keeps the hospital running smoothly.
Oh, my God. That's why I don't have any friends.
I'll cover Doug's shift tomorrow.
Since my wife left me, I have nothing to do for Thanksgiving.
Yes! Yams, you're the best.
Thank you. Okay.
'Cause all I do is sit around
and think of the pathetic and empty web of despair
my life has become.
Hey, hey, man.
That's-- Don't talk like that.
- It's her loss, right? - No, it's my loss.
I lost the house. I lost the car.
I lost our lost DVDs.
- You still have that lab coat. - Yeah.
And, uh, and you got us...
- Absolutely. - So we're here for you forever.
- Till the end. - Miss Crane?
- Your mom's on line two. - Gotta take that. Hang in there.
I gotta go and have surgery--do surgery.
I gotta go to work.
Listen, I'm working tomorrow too.
I mean, it's pretty slow here on Thanksgiving.
We'll have a blast!
I got three words for you:
"Dog," "tranquilizer," "Martinis."
Well, I have 16 words for you:
I'd rather just sit in my office and cry the day away.
But thank you.
Potato.
Thank you, nurse Judy.
- I'm not nurse Judy. - Oh!
George, hey! What are you doing in here, man?
What, a guy can't bring
his buddy a doughnut during surgery?
You know we're not allowed to have food in the--
Okay, one bite.
- There it is. - Mm.
Wait a second, what's going on? Why are you being so nice?
You get visited by three ghosts last night?
- That's a funny joke. - Mm-hmm.
You do jokes that are pretty funny,
and, God, the beard is looking good.
And so--I can't do this anymore. I need a favor.
Ah, there it is. My mother's making me come to Thanksgiving tomorrow.
I need you to come with me.
I can't handle a six-hour passive-aggressive
staring contest broken up
by the occasional veiled insult alone.
Uh, no. Answer is no.
I actually have other plans.
You know, my dad's coming into town from Colorado.
We have a tradition where we eat Chinese food,
watch football, and smoke a peace pipe,
- if you know what I'm talking about. - I do know what you're talking about.
We hollow out a gourd, stuff it with native grasses,
and spark that baby up, if you know what I'm talking about.
I get it, Doug. You get high with your father.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Be cool, man.
I'm desperate. You can bring him. Please?
My dad is not as metropolitan as I am, okay?
I think you'd be uncomfortable.
It's Thanksgiving at my mother's.
No one's gonna be comfortable.
Thank you, Doug. I appreciate it.
- Ah, I didn't say I would go. - You didn't have to.
- What does that mean? - Exactly.
I'll see you at noon.
Mom, I mean, won't Europe still be there on Friday?
It's Thanksgiving.
Fine, have a safe flight.
Hope you get strip searched.
- You okay? - Yeah!
Me? I'm fine. I'm great. Never been better.
Oh, you got plans for Thanksgiving?
No, no, no. Just think I'm gonna, you know,
catch up on some work here at the hospital.
Well, I'm working too. My family's coming to me.
We're settin' up in the cafeteria.
- You should join us. - Oh, no, I could never impose.
- Well, suit yourself. - Unless you insist.
'Cause, you know, usually, people insist.
- I insist. - Uh, well, if you insist.
Yes, yeah.
You're late. You said you'd be here at noon.
I didn't say that I'd--oh, okay, oh, yeah, I am. I'm late.
I see you brought your friend Ratso with you.
You know his name, mother.
Hey! The two of you behave.
And, mother, you remember Doug?
Hi, Mrs. Coleman. This is my dad Jack Jackson.
What is this? What's going on?
When did this become a soup kitchen?
Oh, you owe me so huge.
Doug and his dad had no place to go.
I told him that you would be happy
to share your home with them on Thanksgiving, right, mother?
So your name is Jack Jackson?
Call me Jack. Call me Jay.
Just don't call me late for dinner.
Here you go.
Should be a fun night.
Oh, Juanita!
This is so awesome! Your whole family's here.
Oh, yeah, we do it big for the holidays.
- Oh, mom! - Juanita, baby!
Look at you!
- And this must be Dorothy. - Hi!
- Oh, girl, please. - Oh.
Oh, she is scrawny.
You were right, child.
Feel like I'm bringing in firewood.
- Oh! - Anna, get over here!
Like hugging a bag of hangers!
More like hugging a bicycle, if you ask me.
- Okay, all right. - Clara, get in this!
Well, I do love all this huggin'.
My family stopped hugging when polio got big.
Oh, she funny!
- Hey, what are you doing? - Nothing.
- I'm working. I love to work. - Are you calling your wife?
Yes. I was bored and lonely.
I wanted a Thanksgiving booty call,
a little turkey jerky, if you catch my drift.
Look, I know it's tough being alone on a holiday.
My boyfriend's in solitary, huh?
He has to jerky his own turkey.
But don't blow your emotional progress.
Make it through today. Tomorrow will be easy.
- You think? - Yeah!
And I'll help keep you distracted.
Now grab a stick, and meet me in the hallway.
That's what my wife used to say.
I cannot believe that you are so terrified
of being alone with me that you have brought
Harry and the Hendersons to my home for Thanksgiving
after I have slaved all day on that stove!
That's the dishwasher. That stove making all of your favorites.
Did you make these takeout boxes as well?
Stop that.
Stop rummaging around in that garbage.
You're just like you're small-fingered father.
We got plenty of food. They had no place else to go.
- Try to be welcoming. - Look at them.
- Yeah, your arm smells like an animal's butthole. - No, it doesn't.
Look at them, sitting up there in that ottoman like it's a regular chair.
- Yeah. - You smell like cow dung.
[ The Turtles' Happy Together playing ]
♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right
♪ to think about the girl you love ♪
♪ and hold her tight
♪ so happy together.
Hey, come out here and participate.
You're being rude.
- Horse bite! - Ooh!
Ha. Gotcha on that.
Almost touched me in my no-zone.
So, Mr. Jackson, I understand
that you are a veterinarian as well.
Actually, I'm a large animal vet.
I specialize in horses, cows--
So basically, you're a farmer.
I think what everyone needs
- is a little more to drink. - Yes, hit me.
So sorry I don't have any moonshine.
You know, you have a lot to learn about the country, lady.
Yeah. You have a lot to learn about the city.
Doug...
What's our gourd situation?
Oops. Look at that.
We are all o-o-o-out
o-o-o-of wine.
Doug, do you wanna give me a hand?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
This is a disaster.
Why did you give her more wine?
I'm trying to get her from grumpy to sleepy.
Well, that's pretty dopey, Doc.
- You guys should leave. - Yeah, okay.
We can still catch the game, eat some Chinese food.
Sorry for dragging you into this.
- Whatever, man. - Hey.
That's not for you.
Let's go.
Uh, uh, hey, what the hell is going on in here?
Oh, we were--we were just getting to know each other.
Two minutes ago, you hated each other.
Well, our anger led to passion.
Have you never seen a Katherine Heigl movie?
You know, it's very much in spirit of Thanksgiving
when you know Jesus, um, apparated the meats.
Uh, oh, shoot me. I've had three glasses of wine.
Hey, dad, we gotta leave.
We got other plans that I forgot about until right now.
Dougie, Dougie, that's so rude.
Uh, we can't go now.
Ginny hasn't served the turkey yet.
She's saving me her giblets. Gobble, gobble, gobble.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Your whole family sucks at innuendo.
Mm.
I mean, for real, it is a joke how smart my pet pig is.
He's a regular Albert swine-Stein.
Albert swine-Stein! Because he's a smart pig!
Yes! You know what?
This is awesome because a lot of people
do not appreciate my puns.
Nita, how come you didn't tell us your friend was so funny?
I don't know, I guess I'm so used to tuning her out.
Now, wait until you try my cranberry sauce this year.
I added extra zest.
- Oh, yeah! Bring it. - Yeah, get some of that.
None for me. I'm afraid of that extra zest.
What? Are you allergic?
No. I just don't like it.
Only one in the family too.
Really? That's crazy.
What, is this one adopted?
Are you-
- That was funny. That was-- - That is crazy.
Wait a minute.
This family never stops talking.
Why aren't y'all talking?
Yeah.
I mean, it isn't true, y'all! That's a--
We--we were talking.
So anyone see, um, trouble with the curve?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, we saw that.
Yeah, that was good, huh?
I can't believe this.
- Mama. - I'm sorry, baby.
It's just-- your daddy was shooting blanks.
Hey! We wore tight pants in the '70s.
Wait a minute.
You guys are punking me, right?
I can't believe you two never told her. What you know about this, Jake?
You're still telling everyone Damon is your business partner.
Whoo! I knew it, I knew it.
At least I didn't cheat on my husband.
Well, but-
Uncle Nate hit that hitchhiker and left him for dead.
Uh, we don't know that.
We all know you gay as a Christmas tree! We all know you got a big mouth!
This cranberry sauce is-
Mm, they're definitely zesty. How many more?
Hey, look, you're eight for eight, all right?
Let's go for a perfect ten.
Ready?
What am I, a child? Papillon.
Oh, nice! All right, last one.
A little oaky.
A touch of toilet water.
I'm gonna go with... Beagle!
Yes! High five!
Yeah! Whoo!
You did it.
No, no! No phone! More games!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yamamoto, come on, come on! He's gonna--
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yes!
- Yeah! - Yes!
In your face!
- Aah! - Oh!
Are you okay?
Look, this is not Wipeout.
This is my life.
I appreciate you trying to distract me,
but there is no way I'm going to get through Thanksgiving without calling my wife.
Oh, come on. Don't think like that.
No. Go take your break.
Now, if you excuse me,
I have to go pee blood.
Come on, man. You ever planning on coming back?
You left me in there with a Cialis commercial.
I don't know why I even invited you.
You were supposed to be my buffer,
and you let your dad turn on his "hill people" charm and seduce my mother.
Seduce? Are you out of your mind?
Your mom sucked my dad in with her black magic.
Why don't you tell your dad to jump on his tractor
and go plow something other than my mother?
You know what, we didn't even wanna be here, okay?
I could be chopstick-deep in some pork lo mein right now.
Oh, right, like a rube like you knows how to use chopsticks.
I'm sorry, did you just call me a rube?
Oh!
- Like you know what a rube is. - Oh!
Oh, well, at least the rube isn't hitting himself, huh?
Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yours--
Oh, that's fine. Yeah, just hang on!
I'll wear you like a backpack!
Boys! Boys! Boys! No.
- What is going on in here? - Stop!
Huh? What's going on?
I came here to help this guy out,
and he's acting like an ungrateful d-bag.
Please, I will not have insults
thrown around my Thanksgiving dinner,
you big, urban Sasquatch.
- What? - What did you call my son?
Let's just suffice it to say, I wouldn't be surprised
to see him running through the woods,
being chased by amateur photographers.
Well, at least my kid isn't best friends with a monkey.
- That's right. - This monkey wouldn't be best friends with your son.
You know, the only reason why we are here
is because your son can't stand to be alone with you,
and now I know why.
Whoa! You don't talk to her that way.
Yes, that's our thing.
This woman invites you into her home, pretends to cook you a wonderful meal,
lets you feel her up on the couch.
You show her some respect, or leave.
That's it.
Doug, let's go get baked.
- About time. - And I am taking this gourd.
- We're leaving. - Fine.
And don't let the door hit you on the way out, Bigfeet--
or let me put it in a way you might understand;
That was a little more Chewbacca,
and it's "Bigfoot," but I like where you were going.
Yamamoto, you gotta help me.
Some dude's after me!
- What? - He's gonna kill this turkey!
It's Thanksgiving. That's what people do.
No, this little guy's gonna be part of a turkey shoot.
I overheard a trucker talking with his friends.
They tie them down and shoot them in the face for sport.
Oh, man, there he is. Oh, come on.
Are you kidding, Angela?
You expect me to believe that?
This is just one of your distractions.
Hey!
Oh! Gotta go.
Tell your friend to drop the act!
Yamamoto ain't buyin'!
Oh!
Give me back my turkey!
I'm trying to save this poor turkey!
Help!
Hey!
You see a woman with a turkey pass through here?
Look, buddy, I'm in no mood
for any more of Angela's stupid games.
I don't need her stupid friends with their stupid clothes
and their stupid faces and their stupid--
Turkey's very good this year.
Moist.
You should order from them again.
Please don't tell me you miss Jack.
That old Neanderthal with his calloused hands
and hot, leathery breath.
Of course I don't miss him.
Good, 'cause he was all wrong for ya.
I know that.
We had some laughs, though.
Remember when he sat in that ottoman
like it was a regular chair?
Mm-hmm, it was 20 minutes ago.
Come on, you must have plenty of suitors
knocking down your door.
Oh, you don't even know the half of it.
Bitsy summers is about to die,
and I've always had my eye on her husband.
There's the occasional stranger
who rubs up against me in subways.
I'm fine.
Excuse me. I have to make a call.
At least I have you, Ratso.
- There you are. - Hey.
Juanita, I am so sorry.
It's okay. It's not your fault.
Besides, somewhere deep down,
I always kind of knew.
How?
Well, for starters, I'm the tallest woman in the family.
I'm the only one that can roll my tongue,
not to mention I am so much better-looking
than the rest of them.
It's just weird to think that these people are not my real family.
I can only imagine what you're dealing with,
but all I know is that there are a whole group of people
sitting in an animal hospital cafeteria,
just so they could spend Thanksgiving with you.
I know, but I-- Right now, my dad is in Atlantic City
playing video poker 'cause, "That's the only place
he feels alive," and my mom is at a sex show in Amsterdam
with her trainer.
That's--that's a little messed up.
Yeah, no, it's a lot messed up.
Well, you know what, Dorothy?
If you ever need a home for the holidays,
you just let us know. We can adopt you too.
Oh.
- Thank you. - Oh, thank you.
Now, come on, let's get out there
and let everyone know that you're okay.
Oh, sure.
Oh, just to catch you up,
your Uncle Jake is gay, your cousin Jasmine had an affair,
and your Uncle Nate may have killed a guy.
Mm, damn it! I hate these eating sticks.
Okay, come on, dad. Listen.
I know that you're upset about Virginia and everything, okay?
But, you know, who knows when your paths may cross again?
It's like you always said about inseminating cows--
if it's meant to be, it'll take.
- I do say that. - Often.
Well, well, well!
Look who's here.
Come on.
Jack.
Virginia.
George.
- Doug. - Virginia.
Stop, we all know each other!
Right, right, right. I'm sorry.
Uh, okay.
Obviously, we recognized that you two liked each other,
and we want to apologize for acting like idiots earlier.
And we know things were said.
Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry about that.
Me too.
Would you care to sit?
You know, Virginia, they have some really good slippery shrimp here.
No, I actually wasn't trying to be dirty.
It's actually really, really good slippery shrimp.
Ow! What happened?
Uh, that trucker punched you and took off.
You saved the turkey. You're a hero!
Why didn't you tell me it was a real trucker?
I only stand up to fake truckers!
All right, he was a fake trucker.
I hired a homeless guy to chase me around.
You really put me through hell today, Angela.
This is the worst holiday I've had since Veterans Day.
Well, the good news is, you were out cold for so long,
you made it past midnight without calling your wife!
- It's past midnight? - Mm-hmm.
I made it through Thanksgiving?
Yeah!
- Help! Help! - Come on.
- I didn't call her? - No!
- Thank you. - Yeah!
Come on.
What are you doing for Christmas?
I got three words for you, my friend:
"Dog," "tranquilizer," and "eggnog."
- Aw, yeah. - Yeah.