My cell phone bill is $80 this month?
It's 'cause I got that ridiculous
friends and family plan, which is so stupid,
because the only people I don't want to talk to
are my friends and family.
Yeah, you should get half off
'cause you don't have any family.
Okay, so my visa bill is $400.
The minimum payment is $28,
so I'm gonna pay them $50.
I got 'em right where I want 'em.
Aw, that's the same thing you say
after you put your bra on.
Oh, no, I have that student loan bill coming in.
That officially puts me in a jam.
Whit, don't sweat it. I'll get you out of this pickle.
I'm not in a pickle. I'm in a jam.
Okay, so if you could just give me half of the $50,
I can pay you back as soon as my aunt dies.
- Whit-- - Oh, God, that's right.
I owe you $70 from last month.
Okay, I'm sorry. Let me just write you a check.
Oh, my God, I'm out of checks.
[Sighs exasperatedly]
Now I'm in a pickle.
Whit, this is insane. We do this every month.
Why don't we just open a joint checking account?
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
It's gonna be so much easier than this.
So what's mine is yours,
and what's yours is mine?
Basically.
I'm rich! [Laughs]
Thank you!
But look, I promise I'm gonna be able to contribute more soon.
I'm waiting for that residual check
from that makeup ad I shot last year.
I'm gonna start hustling for more commercial work.
And I'm totally back on track with my kegels.
I know.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
I've gathered you all here
in low bar to give you some pretty big news.
Oh, you know, we have some pretty big news too,
but you go first.
Alex and I are getting joint checking accounts.
As you all know,
I've never really loved being a cop.
Neal wanted to get a joint account,
but I didn't want him to know how much I was spending
on Is Your Boyfriend Gay? books.
You should've read those.
You guys...
I left the police force.
- You what? - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you double-crossed a crime family,
and you're hiding out in this basement bar?
I let lily watch cable in my bedroom.
Back in the day, my dad would hang out here
with his cop buddies, and I'd tag along.
Uh-oh. This is how Dexter began.
It was so fun, and then I became a cop,
because in my family, that's just what you did.
But then I realized the only part about being a cop
I really liked was hanging out in this bar.
And speeding.
So when I saw it was for sale,
I thought, "it's meant to be,"
and I dumped all my savings into it
with a few of my cop buddies, and I'm gonna run it.
Whoo! Are you guys shaking, or am I?
[Shudders]
Mark, this is awesome.
Oh, G--
I am so proud of you for doing what you love.
Every time I hear about someone
doing what they love,
I have to go to a one-man show.
Okay, this is going to be amazing.
- This is so exciting, right? - Yeah.
This is gonna be our new place.
[Laughs] Thanks, Whit.
I'm not gonna lie.
It's a little weird that you're the person here
with the most positive attitude.
Listen, I'm just-- I'm in shock, you know?
But look, I'm really happy for you.
Yeah, and I don't know how to talk to you
about anything since you told me
you were in love with me.
You guys grab a booth.
- Okay. - Yeah.
I'll bring some beers over.
I sure hope he knows what he's doing.
Why is everybody being so negative about this?
Is this what it's like to talk to me?
- Yes. - Yeah.
Guys, it's just so weird.
Should I just say something to mark?
I mean, I just want things to be cool with us,
especially now that he owns a bar.
No, I would leave it alone. It's like a cold sore.
It'll go away within three to six weeks.
Why is everything a cold sore to you?
I think you know why.
Hey, mark.
'Sup?
Uh, listen.
Mark, congrats. [Chuckles awkwardly]
I think this is really awesome.
Thanks.
Look, I just don't want there to be any weirdness.
No, there's no weirdness.
Oh, great.
So it's cool that we're not gonna--
Oh, we're gonna.
What?
Roxanne, this is gonna happen.
Okay, well, I don't think it is.
That's cute. You can go now.
Okay, I will.
- Bye. - Ok--
You bye.
Yeah, I'm lookin' at it.
You work for me now.
So we'll just need
each of your checking account balances.
Uh, yeah, well, we both brought printouts for you.
You know, I'm kinda nervous for you to see my number.
Like, as nervous as I was
when I told you my other number.
I actually think this one might be lower.
Whit, don't worry about it.
I'm obviously not with you for your money, you know?
You're a trophy wife.
Third place.
Okay, just keep in mind this does not include
the $20 I have in pesos.
Wow, that's actually much higher
than I thought it would be.
Look at you with that comma.
[Laughs]
All right, here's mine.
That's it?
What do you mean, that's it?
That is not what I meant.
Whit, you looked at the amount of money
I have to my name, and you said, "that's it?"
No, no, no.
I mean, like, "that's it," as in,
that is the number in your account
that I saw.
You don't think that's a lot of money?
No, I do-- I mean, it is.
I just--
You sold your website, so--
So?
So...
I saw The Social Network.
So?
That guy was hanging out
with Justin Timberlake.
How much money did you think I had?
I don't know. I d--I just--
I just thought it was more than that.
What, you thought I was, like, a millionaire?
I didn't not.
You thought I had millions of dollars?
We shop at whole foods!
I--I know, but living is expensive.
You know, I mean, I have a mortgage,
and we live together now.
Two is more expensive than one.
And you don't exactly have money coming in, so--
Oh, my God. I'm draining you.
Only mentally.
God, I-I mean, I feel--
I feel terrible.
I mean, I'm the reason that you don't have any money.
No, I have money!
Okay, you know what?
We got this, okay? I can totally handle this.
I grew up poor.
I'm not poor.
You're poor.
We're middle class.
We got two TVs.
Alex, we are gonna be fine, okay?
I grew up without any money.
I'm really good at getting by on nothing.
I can make one women's calcium chew
last six days.
Okay? We are gonna be fine.
- We are fine. - No, I need to cut back.
I'm gonna stop using both cream and lotion.
That's ridiculous. What am I, the queen?
Whit, you don't have to do that.
No, I need to start pulling my weight around here.
You know what? I'm gonna get a jug
of that all-in-one shampoo-conditioner-body gel,
and there's one you can use as toothpaste too.
I'm not gonna brush my teeth with shampoo.
Oh, Lunesta is way too expensive.
I don't need it to sleep.
From now on, before bed,
you can just punch me in the back of the neck.
You may not have wait until bedtime
for that to happen.
Oh, I'll call Lorraine,
who runs that gallery down on Halsted.
Oh, great, so you can sell her some of your work?
No, I need to make some money,
so I'm gonna see if maybe she needs, like,
a part-time assistant.
You know, like, I could do, like, framing work or--
Whit, you don't have to do that.
I--I should not be mooching off you.
Look, Whit, it's okay, all right?
I'm gonna have some money coming in
when I sell my next idea.
Oh.
Uh, when, approximately, uh, will that be,
do you think?
Soon, when I think of it.
Oh--[Gasps] Do you need some help?
'Cause I am really good at brainstorming.
I mean, there is always a storm in my brain.
You-- I don't need any help.
I don't need any help... dot-com?
Come on.
I'll take a Heineken on the house.
Oh, you don't have wi-fi?
Nope. I don't want customers on their phones all the time.
People should have human connections
and actually talk to each other.
But, mark, mark.
Nobody wants to talk to each other.
Yeah, words are out.
But I want this place to be like Cheers,
where everybody knows your name.
Well, if you don't get wireless,
I'm afraid this bar is gonna be where everybody
is somewhere else.
When it comes to bars, I think I know
a little bit more than you.
And a little less than Roxanne.
Okay, fine, don't get wi-fi.
I'm sure the Internet's just a fad anyway.
Hey, can I get a lime?
A lime. A lime, lime, lime...
Lime, lime, lime, lime, lime, lime, lime...
Lily, I'm drowning! I have no idea what I'm doing!
I have never been so scared in all my life,
and I have been shot at!
Stop looking at me!
Mark, it's gonna be okay.
Oh, I don't know.
Last night I dreamed that the bar ate me.
Okay, come here.
Listen to me.
I have been through something like this, okay?
Yeah, I-I was in grad school,
set to get a degree in marketing,
but for fun, I would write these little reviews
of restaurants around campus.
And it just made me so happy.
So I bailed out on school,
gave up having a really stable job
to start my food blog,
and when I started it, I had nothing.
Look at me now.
You still have nothing.
No, I have less than nothing.
I'm in debt, I'm sleeping on Roxanne's couch,
I don't have health insurance,
I have a mole with irregular borders--
Oh, my God, what have I done?
No, no, lily. Lily, lily, lily.
It's gonna be fine.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm-- [Laughs]
I'm gonna be okay, right?
I don't know, but you just made me realize
that I am.
Oh, a lime.
Oh, my God.
What is going on there?
I'm using this new all-in-one shampoo.
It also gets out tough stains on carpeting.
Tough stains?
Did you have a party and not invite me?
I got it.
Oh, no, we'll split it.
Yeah, Roxanne's got it.
What are you doing?
Alex, is it your birthday?
No. Here, give it to me. I got it.
No, they want to pay.
You should not have to pay for my girlfriends.
Yeah, it's ridiculous that Alex always pays.
Just because he sold a website
doesn't mean he's a millionaire.
Ohh, I'm sorry. I get it now.
Hey, we're gonna split it.
This group sticks together through thick and thin, buddy.
I got your back.
And I got your front.
Roxanne, give me the check.
Alex, you are not gonna pay for all of us,
you nut.
Wait, don't we get a discount because we know you?
You don't know me.
All right, Roxanne, you had the turkey burger,
but you also ate half of my salmon, so--
Well--okay, well, that means I had the turkey
and the salmon.
God, it's like a Pixar movie in my stomach.
Well, that solves the big salmon mystery.
Does anyone have change for a 50?
Does anyone have a 50?
Look at that. It's all done.
- Agh! - No.
- Alex, I wanted to get it. - Thank you so much.
Oh, all right.
Bro, we're looking for a hostess.
- Alex-- - No, you know what?
I am so mad, I can't even look at you.
All right? That was really embarrassing.
Okay, I-I'm really sorry.
[Sighs]
Do you want to go home, take a shower?
'Cause my boobs are really dirty.
Fine.
Hey, guess what?
I just went to the flagship dollar store,
and they have produce.
These grapes look pretty old,
but I'm thinking in a couple days,
we are gonna have a nice red wine.
Cool.
- What are you eating? - Sushi.
Um, Sushi is so expensive.
Please tell me you got that yourself
out of lake Michigan.
Nope. Got this stuff delivered.
Figured I'd splurge.
Splurge. Okay, um, we're in a depression,
which means I'm in two.
You should try some of this toro.
No, thank you.
I'll be having some what is probably celery.
[Clicks tongue]
What is that box?
Oh, just some super cool new shades I bought today
for my...
Fa-chay.
Okay, you don't buy sunglasses.
You find them on the train.
Nope.
Picked these little puppies up today
after I filled up my car with premium gas.
That's Ramona.
Um, please tell me that's a prostitute.
Nope. Got us a cleaning lady.
We'll see you next week, Ramona.
Thank you.
Ramona...
I ordered too much food.
Would you like some Sushi?
I would love some.
Why are you giving her food?
She's the only one of us that has a job.
[Sighs] I hate this.
What? That doesn't really narrow it down.
[Sighs]
Begging for jobs, you know.
I just--just hate seeming desperate.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Okay, well, if you hadn't spent
$300 on sunglasses, as if visors didn't exist,
I would not be forced to pilfer bread.
Put these nuts in your pocket.
Oh, great, they'll replace the ones
I used to have there.
What's that all about? There.
Oh, broken Jack Daniels bottle with a baby.
He's just trying to be original.
Oh, that's not original.
I've seen that exact picture
in your family's photo album.
This stuff sucks.
Yeah.
This is really bad. I mean, that's a puddle.
Like, I would take that photo by accident
with my butt.
"Sara Spencer."
Sara Spencer did that? Come on.
I mean, the only reason anyone shows her work
is 'cause she did an exhibit
where she stuffed her boobs into jars.
Ohh, Sara.
What's even more annoying is some idiot
who knows nothing about art
is gonna pay 800 bucks for that.
Okay, now I'm just mad.
What were you before?
Whitney.
Lorraine, hi!
I just, um, I wanted to stop by
to see if, you know, you need any help
around the gallery-- you know,
like an assistant or, you know,
like a nude model.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. We're all staffed up.
But I'd love to see any photos you've taken lately.
Oh, no, I don't have anything.
I mean, I've been shooting,
but none of it's good enough.
Um, this is Alex.
Hi, Lorraine.
Um, I'd like to purchase that puddle.
What?
Great, I'll ring you up
for Sara Spencer's Urine on the Floor.
Oh.
Uh, yeah.
So you just spent $800
on a terrible piece of art
even after I told you how bad it was.
Yeah.
That is so irresponsible.
Yeah.
Fine. You made your point, okay?
You can spend your money however you want.
Yeah, I can. You know why?
Because I have faith in myself,
unlike you.
What? I have faith in you.
No, you don't.
You acting like you don't know
where our next meal is coming from
is not you having faith in me.
Okay, no, our next meal is in my purse.
You don't believe in me, and you know what?
- It really sucks. - Alex--
You don't think I'm gonna get another thing going.
No, I totally think you're gonna get another thing going
as soon as you start working.
Wow, you--
you don't think I'm working?
Well, are you?
Yeah, I work all the time.
Okay, well,
yesterday you went to mark's to watch the game,
and the day before that, you went on a bike ride.
You read books.
Yeah, that's me working, all right?
I'm always working.
You know where I was when I thought of Mendeavors?
Where?
I was standing outside of Wrigley field
in the pouring rain, trying to fix my umbrella.
That's-- that's how my mind works.
Okay, well, how was I supposed to know that?
Because it's the first sentence
on my website.
Oh.
You know what? Let me ask you a question.
Why were you so blindly supportive of mark
quitting his job and running a bar,
yet you're afraid that I'm gonna fail?
Oh.
Yeah.
[Sighs] I'm not gonna spend
the rest of my life with mark.
Yeah, well, if you're gonna spend
the rest of your life with me,
you gotta trust me.
Ugh.
That word.
Yeah.
So you just thought of that idea
in the middle of the rain?
You're, like, really smart or something?
You working right now?
Let's put it this way.
If you're talking, I'm working.
Oh, so I'm like the rain?
- Sure. - [Laughs]
So you're gonna throw away that photo, right?
Nope. We're keeping the photo.
Okay, so you want to break up?
Look, the reason why I bought this
is to put it on your desk,
so it would remind you how good you are
and hopefully piss you off enough
to make you want to start selling your own work.
Your stuff belongs on the walls in that gallery.
It is good enough.
I think it's too weird.
N--your photos are amazing, all right?
And tomorrow, you're gonna show them to Lorraine.
Except for the naked ones of you.
And me. I'm--I'll weed through them.
Fine.
If you say so.
I say so.
You know that I believe in you, right?
Like, more than anything.
If you say so.
[Laughs] Seriously.
And I just-- I'm sorry.
I-I was just--
I was so broke for so long
that I think I just kind of lose my mind
when it comes to money stuff.
Money stuff?
All stuff?
Look, I'm so sorry.
And I promise that...
It will happen again.
And again and again and again and again and again
and again and again and again and again and--
First time using the bank card.
Okay. All right. So what's our code?
Oh, is it your computer password?
Yeah, it's just--
What's your computer password?
Just hurry up. It's freezing.
Okay. Um, $100.
No, we would not like a receipt.
$3?
It's a service charge. Just say yes.
Okay, I have to pay $3 to take out a hundred doll--
I have to pay for my own money?
Who's in charge here? My dad?
Thieves!
Just say yes.
We've been waiting out in the cold for 20 minutes.
Okay, last time I waited out in the cold this long,
I made a lot more than $3.
[Groans]
Sorry.
Uh, and by the way, we can, uh,
afford the $3.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com