What are you doing?
I'm sorry, we can't do that. Yeah... we just did.
You are very beautiful, Miss Marshbrook.
But will you still say that when I'm old and wrinkly Mrs Bartham?
Ask me again in a fortnight.
We're going on a magical mystery tour.
Where to? If I told you, it wouldn't be a mystery.
He's taken the kids. I've come to the end of the line, love.
We're selling up.
What's going on? He walked in on me!
She didn't lock the door! You didn't hear the shower?
Dust off your best pinny. We've got a visitor coming to tea.
What have you done? Put your hands in front of you. What?
No, I have to find my daughter. She's only four years old. Get off!
You're saying you don't trust him? Darling, I don't really know him.
Yeah, but you know me.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Come on, guys! Work hard! Put it in!
Stay with it, boys. Work hard.
Left, right. Left, right. Left!
Turn your heels.
Packages for you.
What else is on the list?
Today I've got to re-do the seating plan, for the 46th time.
And I'm gonna pick up the dress. You went for it, then?
You said you liked it.
My Big Fat Squaddie Wedding. Oi.
Joke.
Get that off the table.
What will happen to Joe? It's up to Louise, isn't it?
He abducted the girls. Surely the army will do something.
We have a duty of care. It's called closing ranks.
Are you happy now?
Don't you dare try and blame me.
They've got me down as a nut job.
They're doing tests to assess if I'm a danger. Why did you call the Military Police?
You snatched our children. A day out with their dad.
You drugged one and nearly drowned one. Antihistamines!
She fell in nettles! You should've seen the state of her!
Well done. You got me good and proper this time.
You think this is revenge?
You get a slap on the wrist and a cosy new bed in camp.
We're getting turfed out of our home. No, I told the welfare...
What? That we're a happy family unit?
You've blown that cover, haven't you?
It was a day out.
We've got nothing left to say to each other.
I want to see Hannah and Grace.
Lou.
Lydia is throwing me a hen night.
Yeah. Wouldn't take no for an answer.
Uh... Friday.
Same night as your stag do.
Sorry?
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
I told her I'd go, yeah. Of course.
OK, bye.
Lou.
Hey.
You all right?
I will be. You should've called me.
Oh, yeah?
They'd be searching the muddy waters for Joe's body right now.
If there's anything I can do, you know where I am.
Yeah. Thanks. All right.
I'm sorry for dragging you into all this.
You didn't.
Sam! In here now!
That boy Nathan give you this?
Who, then?
Please don't tell me it was Martin.
Sam, this is serious. He leaves it lying around.
What? With a note saying "help yourself"? What is wrong with him?
Mum, please don't tell Dad.
This is the only time I've done it.
Sadly, your dad is a "can't-be-arsed" slacker.
You, on the other hand, are a smart boy with a bright future.
You can't be throwing it away on this crap!
There are to be no more drugs in this house, out of this house, anywhere, ever!
Got it?
Good.
Now go and try on those shoes in case I need to take them back.
They fit fine.
I can't believe that lad from the Mess didn't get back to us.
After we wined and dined him on the house.
Those scallops were done to perfection!
We tried our best. It was a good idea.
He practically licked the pattern off the plate.
People want something for nothing. He got fed. We got nothing.
What are you on about? Selling up.
You're not? This place?
You can't. We've had an offer. Cafe Noon.
It's our get-out-of-jail free card, isn't it? We won't even dignify that with an answer.
Beggars can't be choosers. We set this place up as a team.
We'll rescue it as a team.
I say no, so you're outvoted.
Democracy - always her strong point.
We say that we've got food poisoning, then we stay at home and have an early night.
No way. I'm looking forward to being a stag and...
What - rutting?
Oi! Stop!
Oi! Down!
Oh... shit. I haven't done anything!
Empty your pockets! Empty them! Sergeant. Major Pete Bartham.
Sir. What's the problem?
Sam?
It's not mine. I swear. That's what they all say.
Um, the kid's new to the area. He's a nice lad but not the most streetwise.
They must've seen him coming a mile off. Well...
Save yourself the paperwork and the pep talk.
I'll give him that myself.
I guarantee this is the last you'll see of him.
Isn't that right, Sam? Yes.
All right, that's much appreciated. Thank you, Sergeant.
Not streetwise? Leave it.
Come on.
I wasn't buying or selling.
So you were giving it away?
Oh, no, Sam!
You can't... It doesn't work like that. You can't buy friendship.
Leave it.
Sam, this isn't just where we live.
This is who I am. This is what I do. Pete...
You don't like it here? You don't think you fit in?
Then you do something about it.
But you do not shit on my doorstep.
Who gives a toss what you think? Please calm this down a little.
I put my neck on the line just now. I know and I appreciate it. So does Sam.
Is he expecting me to grovel?
Stuff that. And this dump.
Sam... I'm moving in with Dad.
Oh, brilliant. Brilliant!
You're not serious?
I'm not him. I like creases!
Why don't you sleep on it? Things will look different in the morning.
I promise, Sam, we can sort this out.
I'll get the bus.
Sam...
You're really going? Result.
Claire, don't run after him.
Look... Sam. Sam.
You can't get the bus with all that stuff. I'll get the key.
You were caught red-handed in broad daylight.
And she's a little saint? It's drugs, Sam.
It's a serious business - for all of us.
Come on, there's no need for this. Mum. Door.
If Pete was such a bastard, he'd have let the Military Police hang you out to dry.
Don't worry. I'll come to the wedding, wear the suit and smile in the photos.
Since when have you smiled in a photo?
When that dog pissed on Dad's shoe in Turkey.
Look, just stay for a few days and get your head together.
Give me a break, Mum.
You all right, kiddo? Hello.
You look like you're moving in! Oh, you are moving in.
A couple of nights, you said?
Yeah. It will be a couple of nights.
He has been caught dealing on the Patch with your dope.
Did he say I gave it to him?
The little... No, he helped himself. He stole it.
You're meant to be the grown-up around here. Any idea when that might kick in?
I experimented when I was his age. It didn't harm me.
He's not smoking it.
He's giving it away.
Now, I would never have done that... To make friends!
Right, and you're worried because...
It makes you look bad? It makes Rambo look bad?
Don't call him that. Major Bathroom - whatever.
Or because it's a blatant, screaming cry for help?
He had shedloads of friends when he lived here.
I've noticed it. He's turning in on himself.
I put it down to hormones but no. The kid is lonely. In a family of four.
I was hoping to have a proper conversation about this but, no.
That's fine. He wants to stay for a few days.
He can stay as long as he likes.
One less thing for your "To Do" list.
Nice jacket, by the way.
You're not wearing the red one? No.
So, what's Lydia got planned?
Well, someone removes my brain with a melon baller and then they all chant.
He'll soon get bored and come home.
Why would he do that?
When you've made it perfectly clear he's not welcome.
That's not true.
What's the point in going out if you're like this?
What? Miss my own hen night? No way. I'm getting rat-arsed.
It's always been me and Sam.
Even when I was with Martin, it was me and Sam.
I feel like I've lost a limb.
So, Sam's at his dad's house, Pete's in the doghouse
and Joe's in the nuthouse.
Happy days.
Thanks for this. Especially after last time.
We said we weren't going to mention last time.
If you see me gnawing my arm off... Time to leave.
Got it.
The guest of honour! Hello.
And Louise. Lovely to see you.
Right, well, this is where it's all happening, so come in.
My honeymoon was Belfast in a blackout.
It was supposed to be the Taj Mahal, my childhood dream,
but Stuart's orders saw to that.
What did you do, Louise?
Ecstasy, mostly.
Joke.
Mm.
Yes. Well, maybe it's time we livened things up a little.
Danny, how are we doing?
Danny looks like he could gnaw his arm off as well.
Our butler has prepared a very special cocktail in Claire's honour.
Whoo!
It's called The Horny Hen.
Ladies, of all the gin joints in all the world...
and, let's face it, we have tried quite a few...
you will never taste anything quite like this. Nice.
- To the Horny Hen! - The Horny Hen.
Thank you.
He's usually here by now.
I just want a second opinion.
What? Pit bull with a pulse. That's your usual type.
Yeah.
He used to go out with Emma Thing but she dumped him...
or he dumped her.
Well, probably means he's not boyfriend material.
He's proper fit, though.
Oh, well, plenty more fish.
I tell you who is giving me the eye. Your brother-in-law.
Don't look!
He's fit!
Is he seeing anyone at the moment?
No idea.
I bawled my eyes out when Jessica went to boarding school.
They had to peel her off me. But George never looked back.
He loved it. I couldn't do it.
We lived out of packing cases - Londonderry, Catterick, Episkopi.
The kids put down roots.
Sam wouldn't last five minutes.
The cotton wool has to come off some time.
Does it?
One thing the army teaches you is "act".
Be decisive.
Doesn't matter if your heart's not fully in it. You do the job required and do it to the max.
It could be Iraq, it could be Leysham Light Opera.
But you know all this already. Do I?
You have made your choice, Mrs Bartham-to-be. You're one of us now.
♪ Going to the chapel
♪ And we're gonna get married
♪ Gee, I really love you
♪ And we're gonna get married ♪
Go on, I'm buying.
OK. I'll have a pint, please.
I'll get the next one, yeah?
Yeah, or you could just take me out for a drink some time.
You always been this shy?
Yeah.
Hey.
You're funny. She'll have him for breakfast. With toast.
How are you?
I'm "blooming", apparently. You?
Yeah, OK.
I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have snapped at you.
It was nothing to do with you. It's OK, I got the message.
I'm a big girl. Literally. I have to look after myself.
I'll see you later.
Cheers. Lovely. Cheers.
Thanks.
Tasha. Are you off?
Yeah. Baby-sitter. Is that it? Are you sure?
Yeah. I told her ten-thirty. I want us to be friends.
We are. We're being friends now.
Get back to Keeley. I'm not interested in Keeley.
Well, then, don't lead her on.
People get hurt when you lead them on.
See you.
I take it these are yours?
Oh, Lydia, you're a lege! A top night.
Please tell me that butler's not gay. I couldn't possibly comment.
Anyway, a night to remember. It certainly was.
I think that's your taxi.
I'm sorted, ta.
Carl, you won't believe it. I can't get a taxi for love nor money.
Thank you so much. Absolute pleasure.
Lydia!
Go! There's an officer and a gentleman waiting, just for you.
Er... girls? Julie's.
Ho-ho!
Please leave your message after the tone.
Keeley, can you ring me when get this, urgently.
Tasha, look.
Can we get something straightened out?
It was a kiss. And it was a mistake.
It doesn't mean we don't love him. But don't go thinking that's who I am.
Because you don't know me. Not really.
Fine.
And if I want to see Keeley, I'll see Keeley.
And if I want to see another... I am a free agent.
Yeah. That's your business. Tonight you were trying to make it yours.
Tom, can you shut up and ring the midwife.
And then can you go? Er... yeah.
Where's the number? Is it here? Here.
In here? Yeah? Yeah.
Say we do sell up, what then?
We'll have a bit of money left. We could go on a cruise.
A cruise? And join the grave-dodgers? No, thanks.
Besides, that bit of money's got to last us.
What if it's him? The Mess? At this time?
Hello.
Oh, hi, love.
Right.
We're on our way.
Howard! Tasha's having her baby.
I've had a drink. Oh!
All the fives.
Do you want to lie down? You're kidding. I'm still paying for that suite.
Dina? Yeah? Oh! Ooh!
Dina, it's Natasha Raveley's brother-in-law. I think you better come.
Things are moving a lot faster.
OK, I'll tell her. She's on her way.
I want my mum. She'll call as soon as she gets the message.
I want Matt! Can I rub your back or something?
That's it, that's it. Deep breaths. Come on, deep breaths. Deep breaths.
Deep breaths. You're doing great. Oh, God.
Oh, that bastard. Leaving me on my own.
Look, you can do this. Everything's gonna be fine.
No! I wanna push. I wanna push.
Should you be...? I don't know!
Will you... will you please lie down or something?
Oh, that bastard!
Hello.
How was the stag night? Not a pole in sight!
Unless you count Agnieszka behind the bar. Ba-dum.
Look. We're talking again.
I can't do this.
Fair enough. I don't like wedding cake anyway.
Let's elope. I'm not me any more.
Of course you are.
And Sam's noticed it. That's why he's gone.
No, darling, Sam has left because he spat his dummy,
and if you hadn't gone chasing after him,
he would be back home by now with his tail between his legs.
He doesn't fit in either. He's playing you off against Martin.
Millie's got a bloody degree in it, as well you know.
I can't do this without Sam.
Oh, Claire, for goodness' sake just stop it. Stop it.
You're pissed and you're maudlin.
Well, maybe. But that doesn't change anything.
I'm sorry, I can't marry you.
Hello, love.
Nana and Grandad, here she is.
Oh, Tasha, she's a little angel.
Oh, can I...? Your turn.
Thank you. Come on, darling.
Let's have a look at you. Oh, look.
She's got Matt's eyes.
But she looks like you. Lucky girl.
How come you were here? Thank God he was.
Hey, if you ever fancy a change of career...
A good man in a crisis.
So, if this is about Sam leaving, then why am I the villain? I saved his neck.
We come as a package. Like you and Millie.
I was trying to be the kind of father he needs. Not the kind he has.
You were being a soldier! I am a bloody soldier!
Do you remember? You ticked the box. I love a man in uniform.
Now I'm forced to choose. Who's forcing you? Not me.
It has to be Sam.
Morning, gorgeous.
Well, hm...
Well, that was better than a takeaway in front of the telly.
Better make a move. OK if I have a quick shower?
Be my guest.
Sweetheart. Sweetheart, hang on.
Claire. Claire.
Claire.
Marrying into the army is a big commitment.
I know that. I know you're scared, I don't blame you.
It isn't that. We don't need to get married.
I was stupid. I... rushed you into it for my own security.
I don't need to be married, but don't do this, please.
Please don't use Sam's leaving as an excuse to throw everything away.
Because that's bollocks.
A couple of years' time he'll be gone anyway.
I'm really sorry, Pete. It's over.
We need to start cancelling things.
Hey.
Hey, this is the bee's knees and...
the cat's pyjamas.
They're at ballet.
Erm... I wanted to have a chat.
I think we should take things slowly. Hm.
I know that sounds rich - it was me jumping all over you last night.
And it was great. Yeah, it was.
It's just...
Nine years with Joe. It's a hard habit to break.
So, I can take it as slow as you like.
Unless when you say slow...
you really mean stop?
Huh! You're getting back with him.
After what he's done? You're a mug.
I'm not getting back with him. Listen. Whatever he's said,
he won't mean it.
Lou, I care for you more than he's ever done.
You didn't see him with Nicki.
Flirting. Necking.
Like you didn't exist.
And you so grateful when he came home...
Grateful? Yeah, like he was some catch.
You can't treat someone like that. That photo of Joe and Nicki kissing.
You sent it! People laugh, Lou.
"Poor cow should know better." It was you, wasn't it?
I did you a favour.
I was gonna tell you, soon as.
Then you got back with him. You had a hundred chances.
Sitting at my table, lying in my bed!
I wanna look after you. Get out.
Just go.
You know what? You deserve each other.
Ah-ha. Yeah, I know.
I know you could have taken another booking.
Well, calling off a wedding isn't something you do lightly.
Ah-ha.
So you're managing OK on your own?
Well... I was on my own when Matt was in Afghan.
I'm not, am I? I've got you and Howard.
And Tom. Unless I scared him away.
Lucky he was here.
I'm not sure he thought so.
Any word from your mum? She's trying to get a flight.
There's some problem with her credit card.
Oh, well, I'm sure she'll get here when she can.
I've decided on a name. Not Cheryl?
Matilda.
Mattie, if that would that be all right?
Oh, that's perfect.
That's... that's just perfect.
Hello, Mattie.
Oh... just like your dad.
Hm.
Earl Grey. Fruit and Nut.
Did you get that especially?
Oh, don't. You'll set me off again.
So... Back in the saddle.
Probably too early to start trawling Find Me A Prince.com.
Yeah. Why not? He will be.
He needs somebody to feed the dog and mind his daughter while he's awa on manoeuvres.
Is that what everybody thought? He was just looking for a housekeeper?
No. But he got the best part of the deal, definitely.
You don't know him.
No. But I know you.
But what I don't get is...
You've done the hard part. You've given up a good job, upped sticks, taken Sam out of school.
So... what are you running away from?
Do you know, there were days when he was away when I actually found it...
hard to breathe.
And I stopped reading a newspaper.
If the news was on in a room I'd have to walk out of the room.
And the closer it got to the end of the tour, the more likely it was that he'd get hurt.
In my head. Hey.
People must find ways round that. Wives.
Lock it away in a box. Yeah. Some do.
But some are glued to Al Jazeera.
And some are watching clips of the battalion under fire on YouTube.
God.
There are great... chunks of time when he's away,
where you're just... paralysed.
So you knew.
The moment you moved in.
From the first time he went on tour.
But all the time you were planning the wedding, you must have been feeling this?
It just sort of... crept up on me.
Because...
Well, cos the more I knew him...
the more I knew I couldn't live without him.
What am I doing?
This is so messed up. Why am I even here?
Can I borrow your car?
Thanks.
Hey, you can't leave that there. Please. Please, I'll be two minutes.
Two minutes.
Pete.
You were right. I'm frightened. I'm absolutely terrified.
I don't know whether you'll come back in a wheelchair.
I don't know whether you'll flip out or whether you'll come back at all.
Darling, we don't know what's round the corner.
Ever.
All I know is that I love you.
And I think you love me, don't you?
Yeah.
So will you marry me? Yeah.
Permission to get married, sir?
Pete! We need you.
Erm... well, Millie, guests.
Call everyone on the list and tell them the wedding's back on.
On where? No idea.
Here we go.
Wedding venues. Oh, Doug is stuck in Toronto.
So I need a new best man.
Why not get married in a maze?
Erm... What did Lydia's caterers say?
An arm and a leg. Oh, well, stuff them, then.
I've had an idea. Vegas?
You're gonna hate it.
Officers' Mess.
Can they have us?
I love it.
No, pressure we can cope with, Simon.
Much appreciated.
Simon Spader from the barracks?
Do you want the good news or the bad news? Has he got us a job?
Wedding breakfast.
60 covers. This Saturday.
Not that bad...
For Major and Mrs Bartham.
So it's your call.
Shall we save our business or shall we tell Bartham to shove his wedding sideways?
Do we hell! We cook him your signature scallops, and we hope he chokes on them.
Lou?
What's going on? What's it look like?
They've let me out.
I'm not daft, just stupid.
What a surprise.
So you're off the hook.
I went too far.
But only to get you back.
I blew it, didn't I?
Just a bit.
Can I look in on the girls? I won't wake them.
She won't bite. Tell that to her older brother.
That was a nip with milk teeth.
So you and Paula are bezzy mates again.
Yep. I'm dumping you for my mother-in-law.
Oh, my God!
What?
If me and Tom get together, she'll be my mother-in-law, too.
We'll be sisters-in-law.
You chatted him up in The Ringers. Who's talking wedding bells?
He's fit, he's funny, he's not a bastard.
He delivered your baby. If I don't snap him up, some other lucky cow will.
Is he interested, then? Hm...
We swapped numbers. He texted me.
What do you think? Boyfriend material or hump 'em and dump 'em?
I don't know. Well...
I'll not plan the wedding just yet.
But you can be matron of honour.
Can I hold her? Yeah, course you can.
Come on, chicken. Ooh, yeah.
Ready? OK.
Aw.
Those Raveley lads make beautiful babies.
Where will you go?
An empty bed on camp.
Come back tomorrow before you go.
They need to say goodbye to you.
What will we tell them?
What's happening.
What is happening, Lou?
We're done, aren't we?
Hi, Sam. It's me. Please ring me back.
The ceremony's at one o'clock today at the barracks.
I really need you to be there. I can't do this without you, Sam.
When will Dad be here?
Any minute now. Is he coming to the wedding?
No, love. He's not invited.
We're going to miss it too if we don't get a wiggle on.
We should wait for him.
Hey, come here.
Now, then.
You know where we're going today after the wedding?
Nana's. Yeah.
And Daddy is going to stay here in Leysham with the army.
Me and Daddy love each other very much
but... we just don't think that we can live together any more.
Why?
Lots of reasons.
Is it our fault?
It's nobody's fault.
Sam.
I'll be up in a minute, Alfie.
Hiya. Hiya.
Where have you been?
Hiding from Keeley.
She's like a heat-seeking drone.
Shall I text her you're here? No.
I know she's your friend and everything but... come on.
I brought some things for the kids.
I've just put them down. Can I have a peek?
It's just some cars and things.
Matt and I had a box full, so...
Thought I'd pass on the tradition.
Thank you.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
It would kill Mum and Dad.
I know.
Sam...
Sam, thanks.
It's old, it's blue and I want it back.
Oh!
Thank you.
Come on, you two.
Sit in here.
Well, we made it.
It's been a rocky road but here we are.
And I, for one, am very pleased.
So, we are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses
to join Claire Helena and Peter Edgar in matrimony.
I don't know what kind of officer's wife you're expecting,
cos... I can't bake cakes or knit bunting.
I do tend to get my platoons mixed up with my battalions, but I will give it my best shot.
Anyway, have a great afternoon.
And please raise your glasses
to my brave, proud,
and utterly wonderful husband. Pete Edgar.
To Pete.
A perfect match.
Like your scallops and black pudding, Mrs R.
Thank you.
Daddy! Daddy!
Just stay there.
I'll say goodbye in a minute, girls. I just need to talk to your mum.
I thought I'd missed you.
Another couple of minutes and you would have.
Where were you this morning?
I couldn't do it. I lost my nerve.
Do they know?
Somebody had to tell them.
Please don't give up on me.
I've learned the hard way. I've lost everything.
But we can make this work. I know we can.
It's too late.
It isn't...
because we love each other.
We do, don't we?
I'll always love you.
Will you think about it?
Just promise me that.
You be good for your mum, all right? I'll see you really soon.
OK?
Wish me luck.
She's gonna need it.
Hey.
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