Samantha Morrison-- way out of my league,
and yet I keep trying... Alkaline metals are very easy
since they only have three isotopes.
And trying.
This must be your girlfriend.
No.
'Cause you know what?
All girls I like are out of my league.
Look at me.
Imagine my league.
One, two, three, four!
We always imagined our weekends as alcohol-fueled
ragers filled with sex and parties, but in reality,
most were spent here banging on junk.
But we had bigger plans this weekend-- that is, Simon did.
[Rebellious rock music]
♪ So you were
♪ the first in line
♪ but they picked you last
♪ this time
♪ uh-oh, no
Oh, my God.
Does it look like I just took it off-roading?
It looks like you took it through a colon.
Well, at least you covered up the yellow.
The more dirt it has on it, the longer Carly has to spend
washing it off.
We were going to a car wash.
The student council holds a car wash each year to raise
money for the homecoming dance, and more than not, it raises
insurance rates.
[Tires screech]
How'd you get the leaves to stick?
Hot glue gun.
That'll buy me at least another hour of scrubbing.
Yeah.
We're taking Will's mom's car.
What?
If we take the celibacy, we might as well point a hose at
their va-jay-jays, 'cause no chick is gonna want to
rock our jock.
There's no way my mom will let us borrow her car
for the sole purpose of objectifying women.
Samantha will be there.
But I should try.
You know, it never hurts to ask.
I spent $500 on that gift certificate!
No, I'll have ladies' day by myself.
Hey.
[Chuckles]
Rough day?
Mm, just wish that my friends were as sensitive to my needs
as you are.
Needs like getting your car washed?
My treat.
Get it back to you in an hour.
That's thoughtful, but you can't drive.
And I don't trust Simon in any car that goes over 40, so...
But you know what?
You should take this gift certificate to the spa.
I was supposed to share it with Gina, but I'd rather you and
your friends have it.
I'm not sure they're the spa types.
That's the point.
I want to teach Gina a lesson.
She said no.
Oh, that's fine.
I can talk to her.
Is she in the shower?
No.
I can wait.
She's not gonna take a shower.
Whore's bath.
I'm the same way.
Crotch and pits is all you need.
[Both laugh]
So this detour was pointless.
Not completely pointless.
I mean, my mom gave me this spa certificate,
but it's probably pretty lame.
Oh, dude, that's awesome.
Really?
Yeah, forget about the car wash.
Every spa has a masseuse that will do anything if the price
is right.
I don't want a masseuse.
I want Carly.
We're going to the car wash.
Fine.
We'll do both.
We'll go to the car wash and get the celibacy scrubbed, and then
we'll go the spa and get our dongs scrubbed.
[Laughs]
♪ If you're having ♪
♪ girl problems
♪ I feel bad for you, son
♪ I got 99 problems
♪ and a bitch ain't one ♪
[swaggering rock music]
♪ Tip my hat to the sun
♪ in the west
♪ feel the beat
♪ right in my chest
♪ at the crossroads
♪ a second time
♪ make the devil
♪ change his mind
♪ it's a pound of flesh ♪
♪ but it's really a ton ♪
♪ 99 problems
♪ and a bitch ain't one ♪
♪ if you're having ♪
♪ girl problems
♪ I feel bad for you, son
♪ I got 99 problems
♪ and a bitch ain't one ♪
♪ 99 problems
There's Samantha.
Let me out of the car before she sees I'm in it.
Hold on.
[Both squealing]
Whoo!
Yeah!
Are you guys coming?
No.
We're gonna stay and watch the show.
[Both chuckle]
You know it!
Bye-bye!
♪ Sometimes you're ♪
♪ the windshield
♪ sometimes you're the bug ♪
♪ come on, now
♪ sometimes you're the hero ♪
Ugh, I think I see a nipple.
What if it's a tiny pink penis?
Why would you say that?
♪ ...you're the windshield ♪
God, there are boobies literally an inch away from my
face and I can't see them!
What are they using?
A fire hose?
I just let one.
Oh.
[Gags]
Help me!
[Screams]
I have a lot of musical attributes.
I don't play any instruments except the piano, but you know
what I have?
Perfect tempo.
Some people have perfect pitch;
I have perfect tempo.
It's very, very rare.
Name any amount of beats per minute.
200.
[Clicking tongue rapidly]
[Both laugh]
Toccata in f-minor.
[Both laugh]
You know, Will, it's too bad you're a virgin.
[Laughs]
Wait. What?
I don't know what to do with you.
One minute I think you're weird, and the next minute I just want
to rip your clothes off.
What minute are we on right now?
You know, we should go on a date sometime.
I could wear clothes that rip off easily.
I don't think so.
I think you're cute, but it would never go anywhere.
I just can't have sex with a virgin.
I mean, how do you know?
I mean, you--you can't tell these things.
I--it's not--do I have-- you can't know.
[Squeaking]
I'm a virgin.
I know.
Listen, it's just too much pressure.
The last guy whose virginity I took became obsessed with me,
and I just can't deal with that again.
So all I have to do is have sex to have sex with you?
You let me know when.
You stay here.
I have sex to accomplish.
[Laughs]
Send me a postcard.
Will do!
Why can't you just pick me up on time?
I don't feel like waiting around for half an hour.
Fine, I'll just be sitting here.
Whatever. Bye.
Still having problems with Bobby?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I guess we just aren't meant to be.
Sometimes you got to go through the jerks to know who
the good guys are.
I didn't say he was a jerk.
Neither did I.
He's just so self-absorbed.
I mean, he can't even pick me up on time, and he's leaving for
his big surfing trip next weekend.
Your birthday.
Yeah.
But you know what? Screw him.
I can give you a ride.
Oh, my God, that would be so great.
Thank you, Simon.
No problem.
Just--just being a good friend.
[Very quietly] I love you.
[Coughing]
Oh, God.
Oh, you son of a bitch!
[Screaming]
[Lively rock music]
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
After the car wash, we headed to the spa where
the receptionist told us to sit and clear our minds, but she
didn't understand that I'd just been made the offer of
a lifetime.
So you're gonna have sex with Samantha Morrison only if you
have sex with someone else first?
Yes, I am just one step away.
It's the same step, though.
I'm not gonna overthink it.
I like Sam's style.
She wants an experienced guy.
I just realized that puts me in the game.
You're not in the game.
And you don't have experience.
And you're kind of a liar.
I never lie.
Why don't you lie and just tell her that you've had sex?
I tried to lie, but then she broke me down with her harsh
questioning.
So it doesn't matter who you bang as long as it's somebody alive?
Yes, corpses are probably off-limits.
That's too bad.
I know where one is.
This is easy.
I'll get treatments until I find the spa whore, and then she'll
come and bang you.
We have limited time, though.
Okay, I need to leave by 3:30.
Carly's expecting me by 4:00, so 3:30.
Do you understand me?
I will leave you.
Simon, don't rush this!
I am on a mission to get Will laid to get Will laid.
I want to make this clear.
I will lay the whore.
I will make love to Samantha.
So the menu says treatments are available on an hourly
basis, so I say we go to the steam room and open our pores first.
Yeah, well, there's only one pore I'm concerned with opening.
All this stuff looks like it's for girls.
I have no idea what to get.
What about a cocoa-infused parafango mud wrap?
Carly likes chocolate.
She might lick you.
Sounds good to me.
I'll see you guys at 3:30.
Don't be late.
Will-- don't be late!
You stay here, and I'm gonna go find the spa whore.
I'll report back.
But I want to get a treatment.
You can't afford to get a treatment that won't get you laid.
So you're gonna get all these treatments, and the only
treatment I'm getting is getting laid?
Yes.
That sounds fair.
You want to go sit in the steam room with me?
Are you gonna keep your robe on?
No.
I'm good.
So our spa day began.
Mine in the quiet room.
"How to have a boobgasm."
Don't be late.
Neil's in a cloud of steam... [yawns]
Which opened his pores but not his eyes.
And Simon's in some type of medieval torture chamber.
[Mud bubbling]
Hello, there.
Hey.
Couple questions about the mud.
Oh, don't be nervous.
You are going to love the mud.
[Both laugh]
If you just want to disrobe and hop on that table, and you can
cover yourself with this.
Okay.
I'm just gonna check on my mud.
Yeah.
Okay.
Just getting disrobed.
Just taking off my robe.
Why is it so cold in here?
Keep your eyes on the mud.
Wait for it.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
Okay, and I'm ready.
Let's just make this lighting a little more...
[Demonic rock music]
Relaxing.
And Jay began his hunt for the whore.
You have tiny hands, Claudia.
Do I detect mint?
Yeah.
Do you feel the tingling?
Yes, I do.
And the interesting thing about tingling... mm-hmm.
Is that I feel it everywhere.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and it's so intense that it has only one way to go,
and that's out.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Um, so then, that means this will end with...
A cooling chamomile mask.
Which is another way of saying... Chilled chamomile mask?
How long until this [bleep] is over?
And though Jay wasn't having any luck finding the spa whore,
at least I had some company.
Hey.
Shh.
[Whispering] Oh, right.
Dude, kidding.
How big of a dick would I be if I actually just did that?
[Chuckles]
I don't know, like, the biggest.
[Laughs]
Lizzy Manzini?
That's me.
See you... Will.
Right.
Hey, did you find her?
No, not yet.
But your skin looks nice.
Thank you.
It's chamomile.
Hand massage.
That sounds promising.
Jay, are you sure?
We only have enough on the gift certificate for a few more
treatments.
[Groans]
Listen, you may have to dig into your wallet a little, Will.
Okay, I'm doing this for you.
Think I want to be here getting massaged all day?
Neil and I have a junk band I'm trying to get off the ground.
Selfish.
Now I leave you to gestate.
Excuse me.
How long is the gestating?
I need to be done by 3:30.
Relax.
You're on spa time.
What is that?
What time is it now?
It's 2:00 P.M. spa time.
What does that mean exactly in terms of actual real world time?
It means you have an extra 20 minutes.
Oh.
[Dreamy rock music]
Meanwhile, Neil didn't need a fancy treatment to relieve
his tensions... Is this heaven?
Hell yeah it is.
I made it.
Because he thought he was dead.
Neil soon realized he was just dehydrated not dead,
but his new friend did turn out to be somewhat of an angel.
You guys came looking for the spa hoochie?
Yeah, my friend Will needs to get laid to get laid.
Bamboo room.
Anything you want.
Thanks, God.
[Laughs]
Kid thought he was dead.
[Bleep].
So he went looking for us... [Woman screams]
Which probably wasn't appropriate.
Hi, have you seen Jay?
You don't know him?
[Woman screams]
Whoa. That's naked.
Is that you, Simon?
Neil!
You look chocolate.
What time is it?
I have no idea.
I got to go find Jay.
I know where the hoochie is.
Wait! Neil!
Neil!
[Cheery rock music]
♪ The one that got away
♪ watching them swim
♪ watching them drownin' ♪
♪ do you want to drown?
This is the hand massage?
It's kind of false advertising.
Oh, Jay!
She's in the bamboo room.
Anything goes.
As will I.
Meanwhile, my friend was back, and her massage had only
made her more stressed.
Hey.
You okay?
I know 50 ways to beat the summer doldrums.
I'm fine. I just--ugh.
Never mind. It's lame.
Lame?
I just took a quiz to find out
which Sex and the City character I am.
[Chuckles]
Okay, I came here to get over my stupid ex-boyfriend,
because I thought a massage would relax me, but the masseuse
ended up being this hot guy, and now I'm all--[Groans]
You know.
Vagina-sad?
Is that even a word?
Yeah, page 36.
Okay, I need that.
It's ironic.
You came here to get over a relationship.
I came here to start one, huh?
Do you want to date a masseuse?
No, no, no, I just want to get laid.
Huh?
I have this deal with this girl I like.
I need to lose my virginity with someone else first, and then
I can finally make love to her.
You know, if you really are just hot and bothered, then we could always...
You know.
I mean, I'm kind of hot for it right now.
I should warn you.
I have no idea how anything works.
Is that why that girl won't have sex with you?
No. No.
It's--she's worried that I'll become obsessed with her,
you know, that I'll become super clingy--you know, clingy like that.
"Never leave me.
Don't get a restraining order against me.
Do you love him or me?"
"I love both of you."
"Love me, love me!
I swear to God I'll do it."
"Don't do it!"
"I will.
I swear I'll do it.
[Grunting]"
Pff!
Wow.
That is a lot of pressure.
Wait. What?
No, no, no.
That was just, you know, a fictionalized version.
A grimm fairytale.
[Both chuckle]
Look, I'll totally have sex with you.
Just have sex with someone else first, okay?
So I had another girl to make love to that I couldn't make love to.
Great.
[Breathing heavily]
Oh, thank God!
Thank God!
Please, please, what time is it?
It's 3:15.
Spa time or real time?
I told you, you're on spa time.
So we still have an extra 20 minutes, makes it 2:55?
No, that doesn't sound right.
It doesn't make any sense to set the clock 20 minutes slow.
Everyone would be late.
But fast isn't relaxing.
Spa time isn't relaxing, okay?
Is it 20 minutes fast or 20 minutes slow?
Um, I don't--I don't know.
Think! Think, please!
I don't know.
Fast or slow?
I don't know!
Fast or slow!
I don't know!
Oh, my God!
Um, fast.
It's fast.
Oh! You are not--no!
[Struggling]
[Yelps]
You are not done.
I am done!
[Whimpering]
Okay, go tell Will I found her.
Get him on deck.
Will do.
Did you get that?
I said "Will."
[Laughs]
Go!
Whew.
So Jay had finally closed in on the whore.
[Gentle acoustic guitar music]
Oh, oh, oh.
Hello?
Do you like it rough or gentle?
Rough sometimes, but gentle now.
♪ A distant Fuller skin that feels so good.
Like--nothing should feel this good.
I need you to turn over.
Okay.
♪ My God, the sun relax.
You got great skin.
Does this feel good?
[Chuckles]
[Breathing rapidly]
Shh.
[Whimpering]
Shh.
[Whimpering]
Carly!
Simon?
I made it!
It was 20 minutes slow!
20 minutes slow!
What are you talking about?
What happened to you?
Nothing. Cocoa wrap.
I'm really itchy.
I smell nice.
Do you want to smell me?
Not really.
Oh, sorry.
Right.
Let's just get you home, 'cause that's why I'm here, is to take
you home whenever no one else would except your friend Simon.
♪ When your world
I know your name.
♪ Trembles and quakes
Hell yeah, you do.
We got to go.
That's a myth.
There's nothing here.
♪ ...suddenly shifts
You know you've got a boner, right?
No.
This is not a boner.
It was never a boner.
Got it?
♪ We'll hide in the corner ♪
Never a boner!
♪ Take my hand
Thanks for taking me home.
It's been a really tough week.
I almost feel like Bobby's hiding something from me.
Probably is.
I could never hide anything from you even if I tried.
You're so simple.
Bobby overthinks everything.
Really?
Never thought of him as a thinker.
He's brilliant.
He says he's always ten steps ahead.
Well, it's one thing to say it.
No, put it up higher.
It's got be up higher.
How's that right there?
Surprise.
You did this for me?
Always ten steps ahead, babe.
You're a [bleep] idiot.
Yay.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
So it was almost an incredible day for Simon had he
not ruined Carly's surprise party.
♪ And I'll just keep on ♪
♪ stumblin' ♪
♪ right now it feels
♪ too humblin' ♪
♪ to tell you what I want
And I almost had sex with three women, but instead had sex
with none.
And Jay almost had a happy ending but instead got a *** traumatized,
Do you like it rough or gentle?
[Whimpers]
♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
♪ ooh-whoa-oh, oh-oh
♪ oh-oh, ooh
You want to be in my junk band?
I do have perfect tempo.
152.
[Clicking tongue]
[Raucous rock music]
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
♪ ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
[twinkling rock music]
Homecoming dance, anyone?
Awesome. Thanks.
Don't think I did that right.
♪ Feelin' lucky tonight ♪
♪ how you feelin'? ♪
I have to tell Carly how I feel.
No more being just a friend.
I'm using this dance to get Brie back.
This is our night, Simon.
Just dance.
Dance?
Come on.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com