Really is top class, and a little bit of late away swing.
Length is perfect.
Dropped into the stroke, and it looks like a dangerous juggle,
but the truth is Ron Tate has got it under control.
Oh, excuse me, ma'am, it's the Australian Cricket Team only.
I know. I just have to give him his phone. I'll be quick!
Babe, I'll be out in a minute!
Just a quick question - who the fuck is Chandrika?
Chandrika? She's a business colleague.
Is she? Yeah.
She's just helping me out with some commercial opportunities in Mumbai.
Wow. So, she handles commercial opportunities AND toe sucking?
What? That's obviously a smart text error.
No, she would've meant to say, uh...
Yeah, I can't think of anything. I'm so sorry, babe.
India is a long, hard tour.
I wanted you to be there and you wouldn't come.
So, this is my fault? No.
I know this sounds bad, but cricket in India - I am like a god there.
Do you know what it's like
to have women just throw themselves at you all the time?
Right, so it's India's fault. No!
I mean, how many times do you have to tell Cricket Australia
to back off on the schedule?
It's a joke, and it splits up marriages.
OK, so, it's Cricket Australia's fault.
I think they have to accept some of the responsibility, yeah.
I'm so sorry, Jess. I'll make this up to you.
Please forgive me.
Just get rid of her.
Chandrika Patel was both devastated and humiliated that she,
a Brahmin and Rhodes Scholar,
was being dumped by a man who spelled 'lose' with two 'O's.
- My phone. - My phone. My sunglasses.
My wallet. That was pretty bad.
My keys. What are you talking about?
Things that have accidentally fallen in the toilet.
Oh. My laptop.
Alex Burchill.
Alex, in your article on Baz Luhrmann,
you say, 'I waited for Luhrmann in the bar,
which was quiet apart from the occasional chink of glasses.'
Surely you mean 'chink with glasses'?
What?!
Well, the chinks aren't made of glasses, are they?
They're wearing the glasses.
No, no, I'm referring to the sound that wineglasses make
when they bump into each other.
Oh, I see. So, you mean the clink of glasses.
Yes! I would never use the word 'chink' to refer to a person.
Yes! That was going to be my next query.
Alex Burchill, meet Kyle Butler. He's from one of our leading telcos.
Hi.
What makes Kyle interesting is that he's just sold us a collection
of text messages sent to and from the phone
of the Australian cricket captain Mark Hardy.
I thought it was policy not to piss on a national icon.
Oh, I know he's your hero, Alex,
but he's the highest ranking male in the land.
His behaviour should be above reproach.
Maybe the texts aren't that bad.
'Waiting for you now. Should I get dressed or stay naked?
Room 7041. Mark.'
There could be a perfectly plausible explanation...
'What about I meet you somewhere in the open
and you can be standing there in the rain
and I come and meet you and fuck you?'
Are you sure these aren't to his wife?
'Having a few issues at home. Can't see you tonight.' Sad face.
Right.
I'm thinking 'On Your Mark'. 'Text Marks The Spot'.
'Heart Of Markness'. 'Stop Markin' Around'.
No, I disagree.
I think 'Heart Of Markness' is an excellent headline
because it has to do with the heart.
Well, go for it. You're the boss.
Yeah, but 'Stop Markin' Around' is very good as well.
It is very good.
OK, Mark Hardy's missus has got wise to the affairs,
so this poor Chandrika is on the 9pm back to Mumbai.
I want you to get her before she hops on that plane.
Seriously, isn't there a triple murder somewhere
that needs our attention?
Surveys show that reader satisfaction increases
when you mention the word 'cricket' or 'affair' in a story.
Imagine the satisfaction they'll have when they're in the same story.
Should I shut my eyes to imagine... Just go out and get it.
The editor made a mental note to switch telcos.
Chandrika Patel.
She's the only girl in a family of boys.
Her father is the batting coach for the Mumbai giants.
Got it.
And here's some pics of Chandrika
that I've pulled off the system so you can ID her.
Note that she sometimes wears her hair up.
Not sure about the mo, mate.
Samantha thinks it makes me look enigmatic.
And more like Tom Selleck?
That name has been bandied about quite a bit.
Other names that had been bandied about
included 'Burt Reynolds' and 'Groucho Marx'.
What time is it?
5:30.
AM or PM? PM.
So, that was a better-than-average party last night.
Yeah, it wasn't bad.
So, Rina, what do we do for breakfast?
It's Rita. Rita! Sorry.
It's OK. I can't remember your name either.
Tyson. Tyson Burchill at your service.
Oh, my God. Are you any relation to my friend Alex Burchill?
Don't know him.
I'm gonna call him. OK.
Rita. Hey, babe. I mean, Alex.
Oh.
Are you any relation to Tyson Burchill?
Don't think so. Why?
It's just such a coincidence!
Who is he? What does he do? I don't know.
Do you want me to look him up or...
Oh, no, no, no, he's in my bed right now.
You might be distant cousins or something.
Do you want to speak to him?
No! Why not?
Rita, I'm busy, and in future, can you not call me from your bed,
no matter who's in it?
He's busy. Oh.
Never mind.
Huh, Donnie hit a 140m six off Vittori.
That's a long six.
What do you think of Harbhajan?
You know, he reminds me of an Indian Brendan Fevola.
I'm sorry, I don't know who Brendan Fevola is.
He's a bit cheeky, but he's great for the game.
Do you think Anil Kumble in his day was as potent as Warne?
Look, just because I don't have a man sitting next to me
doesn't mean I'm here for the taking.
Oh no, I'd never think that.
And just because I'm Indian doesn't mean I'm obsessed with cricket.
What - you don't even like cricket?
It's alright.
I'd imagine you're pretty upset with the affair coming to an end.
Trust me, I know how it feels.
How do you know about our affair?
I'm actually a journalist for the Sunday Sun,
and someone sold us the text messages
that passed between you and your lover.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
No, it's OK. I just hate that word 'lover'.
Yeah, it's got that too-much-information feel, hasn't it?
No, it's not that. I'm from a good family.
Would you like the opportunity to tell your side of the story?
God, no!
Can I get you a water? No. I'm OK.
No, I'll get you a water.
It's me.
How'd you go?
I reckon it's gonna take $10,000, accommodation
and a first-class flight back to Mumbai just to get her to talk.
Yeah, alright.
Well, tell her that's the deal and I'll try and get it confirmed.
No worries.
How are you feeling? I've been better.
Did you get me that water?
I thought you said you didn't want one.
I thought you said you were going to get one.
Look, Chandrika... May I call you Chandrika?
You may.
The Sunday Sun would like to offer you $10,000
to tell your side of the story exclusively to us.
No, I couldn't.
Now, we could put you up at the Hilton,
and we'll organise a first-class flight back to Mumbai tomorrow.
I'm sorry. I'm certain you said you didn't want a water.
I didn't, and then you insisted, and after you left, I changed my mind.
Look, Mr... Alex.
Alex, this is not a story I want in the public domain.
The thing is, it's already too late.
If I don't write the story, then the text messages will be resold
to another organisation, or organisations,
and they'll write it, and trust me,
there's some pretty unscrupulous operators out there.
Alex. Stewart.
Hi.
Look, I have no idea who you are
or what you've done to make this man here hustle you,
and I certainly can't offer you any money
because I work for a quality news organisation,
but what I can offer you is a chance
to tell your own story on your own terms, whatever that story is.
What is the story? Please go away.
Well, in case you change your mind, here's my card.
Say hi to Rita for me. Sure.
Or if I see her first, I'll say hi from you, shall I?
No.
Chandrika, what you need to understand
is if you don't tell your story now,
within 24 hours, your friends and family will be targeted
by every media organisation in Australia.
This way, you're protecting them, and you're in control of the information.
And you'll fly me back to Mumbai tomorrow?
First-class.
Where's the bin?
Oh, that goes in the recycling. Here.
I didn't know people still did that.
Did what?
Recycled. Yes!
Otherwise it all ends up as landfill,
or in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
You don't really believe that exists, do you?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but have you actually seen it?
Well, I haven't seen the Amazon either,
but I'm pretty sure it exists. Or at least, it used to.
- Still does. - Selina's here.
Oh, that's my sister.
We're actually trying to talk my mum into going back to her husband.
Maybe I should go. No, no, no. This is fun.
It is, isn't it? Yeah.
And also here.
That's just saying that you won't speak to another media outlet,
and that's more about protecting...
That's great. Thank you.
Now, would you like something to eat? No, I'm fine.
There's actually a great Indian restaurant down the road
that Indians go to.
Alright, I'll have some mattar paneer. Thank you.
Coming right up.
And some rice too, if that's alright.
No worries. Anything else?
Well, if the papadums are freshly made,
then I'll have some of those as well.
OK.
Oh, and some raita, and some mango chutney would be very nice as well,
if you don't mind.
Will that be all? Yes, thank you.
Great.
Oh, I would appreciate a glass of hot water
with one or two drops of lemon juice in it.
Done.
And a box of tissues.
Alex couldn't understand
why he didn't get this kind of reception
every time he walked into the office.
Yeah, we got her, just gotta ratify the 10,000,
plus accommodation and airfare, so I'd say 25,000 all up.
Yeah, I know, but with all due respect,
the story will sell another 50,000 copies, doubling your money,
and there'll be a knock-on effect
with the masthead in the public consciousness.
Yes, I guarantee it. Sir, are you...
Oh, I see.
He's doing a wee-wee in the sink. Anyway, we got the OK.
Brilliant. Contract signed.
Alex, look after her. We don't want anyone getting cold feet.
Can't you at least call Ray?
No. He spoke very harshly to me.
But, Mum, he had a perfectly good reason to.
What did you do, Gaye? Nothing.
She went through his photo album
and cut out all his ex-wives and girlfriends.
Really?
So, Tyson, what do you do?
- I work in finance. - Really?
So, what does someone in finance actually do?
Well, we make phone calls, send emails, look at pie graphs,
buy and sell money on the international market.
Mostly pie graphs.
Right.
You are aware that Rita's an artist. Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome.
But you know what the problem with the arts is?
What?
Gays. Gays are taking over the arts. Well, this Gaye isn't.
That's funny, 'cause that's your name, but I'm serious.
Wherever you look in the arts - dance, opera, theatre...
I can guarantee you there will be a gay on the board.
There are quite a lot of gays in the arts.
So what?
It's just an observation. So, what are your goals in life, sweetie?
Oh, well, you know, it'd be great to have something in the Tate.
I tell you what my goals are.
To make $50 million and be PM before I'm 40.
Cool. So, who's your favourite Prime Minister - John Howard?
Yes, and no.
I love that he stood up for what he believed in,
but he was way too soft on immigration for mine,
and if the old bugger had stayed in any longer,
he would've been happy to close down the detention centres.
Now, I'm joking, obviously.
Howard would never have closed the detention centres,
but he was pliable, and the Left seize on that.
Does anyone need any more wine?
Why don't we open the bottle that I brought?
You are so sexy in that dress. This is killing me.
Can you not use the word 'affair'? It never felt like that to me.
OK, so, when did the relationship begin?
I think it was November.
I was at the hotel bar having a drink with a few friends,
and he was there because he couldn't sleep.
And there was a connection straightaway?
Yes. How regular were your encounters?
Three or four times a night.
No, no, no, I meant...
That's great, but I was meaning how often did you meet up?
Oh, I'm sorry. We tried to see each other every week.
There was lots of flying.
We were very much in love.
Oh, it's OK.
Would I be able to get a cup of tea?
Sure, sure.
Oh, how do you have it?
Decaffeinate it first by steeping the teabag
in hot water for 30 seconds, then throw out that water
and add more hot water to the teabag and brew that.
Do you have unhomogenised organic milk?
Maybe.
Add a generous amount of milk, and once the tea has cooled slightly,
if you could add a teaspoon of honey,
cold-extracted if you have it,
otherwise half a teaspoon of raw sugar will be fine.
Coming up.
Alex would be making a white with one.
He only ever asked how people liked their tea out of politeness.
Hey, how's it going?
She and the Australian cricket captain have sex four times a night.
You'll be able to come up with one of your silly pun headlines.
I know. The Four The Merrier. Four Please.
Fourplay. That's actually quite good.
Thanks. So, where is she?
There. Who's that?
Chandrika Patel. No, it's not.
Yes, it is. No, it's not.
Chandrika Patel has a mole above her lip.
Well, who's that, then?
I don't know. Some Indian chick.
Shit.
Skim off foam, good.
You'll find it has a lovely nutty flavour.
Chandrika, have you had a mole removed at all?
No.
From above your top lip. A mole. No. Why?
Would you mind printing your name for spelling purposes?
Yeah, that's how I thought it was spelled. I'll take it to the subs.
Boss, what would you say
if I said I could exclusively reveal in tomorrow's paper
that the singer from Siberian Lingerie
once had an affair with a cross-dresser called Sandy?
Great. Page 17.
Page 17? That's splash level! He's married with kids.
Alex, aren't you meant to be interviewing the woman
who had a $25,000 affair with the Australian cricket captain?
Yeah, the thing is,
that's not actually Chandrika Patel in the conference room.
Who is it? Chandrika Laxman.
Who's Chandrika Laxman?
Some Indian chick.
Mate, we need you at the paper.
Alex.
I don't know how long I've got.
Hang in there, boss. Help's on its way.
Talking's difficult, but I will say this one thing.
Boss, save your energy.
You have possibly ruined this paper.
My major problem is not being able to get my chapattis to rise.
Chapattis are very easy to make and very simple to screw up.
You have to ensure the pan is very hot.
I'm not telling you this because I like the sound of my own voice.
Cavalry's arrived. Now, where's the patient?
Who's this clown?
It's OK, he has absolutely no connection
with anyone in the media industry,
or the medical industry for that matter.
Oh, dear. Is he OK?
I'm afraid, Alex, we've lost him.
Best we notify next of kin. But his eyes are still open.
Yes, that's normal. It's up to us to shut them.
Is it normal for their eyes to open again?
It can happen, yes.
The nerves can continue firing,
much like the chicken that runs around
after its head's been cut off.
Really?
Yes. Some of the senses keep operating too.
Apparently hearing is the last sense to go.
I'm not dead.
Is it normal for their eyes to open again
and for them to say 'I'm not dead'?
That's very unusual.
It's a miracle! This is powerful stuff.
Alex. Boss, you're still with us?
OK, this is how we're gonna play it.
Hey, do you wanna see a card trick?
Alright, whoever this bird is,
she's just had a bust-up with her bloke, right?
Yep.
We'll splash with exotic foreigners
who dupe Australians into long-term relationships for citizenship.
Brilliant,
although she was on her way back to Mumbai after being dumped.
Yes, her lover found out what she was up to and sent her packing.
Inspirational.
And get Andrea to check with Immigration,
see if she's outstayed her visa.
Uh-huh. And ring AF and...
AF?
Australians First, and ask them how much relationships with foreigners
cost the taxpayer every year, and get a couple of quotes.
No worries. I can feel a story.
We'll do an online poll.
Would you be happy if a foreigner broke up your marriage?
Well, I'll look forward
to the diversity of responses that question brings.
Also, I've got a couple of quotes
from Chandrika Laxman that'll work well with the story.
All those text messages between Chandrika Patel and Mark Hardy
are still ours, so let's run them on three.
Without a comment from Chandrika Patel?
Write that she couldn't be contacted at the time of publication
because she was on a plane back to India.
Boss, you are a genius.
And... let's go with Stop Markin' Around.
Thanks, boss.
No, I'm sorry, sweetie, but bugger Tim Flattery.
This is a man who claimed
that Adelaide would run out of water by 2009.
Its dams are now 53% full.
Are you feeling alright?
I haven't had nearly enough alcohol.
So, Selina, are you in the arts are well?
No. I, uh, work in human resources.
Black sheep.
Oh, yeah? That sounds interesting.
Yeah, though I did have to take some time off recently
to be treated for sex addiction.
Really?
Excuse me.
Australians First, Tyson speaking.
Yeah, hi, sorry to bother you.
It's Alex Burchill here from the Sunday Sun.
Look, I was just... Alex Burchill?
Yes. Rita's friend?
Yeah. So, you wanna talk to me now.
Yeah. Oh, hang on. Are you the guy from Rita's bed this morning?
Yes, I am. Brilliant!
And you must be the Alex
whose name she was calling out in the throes of passion last night.
Really? No! I'm joking.
Oh. What do you want?
I was just wondering if you knew how much relationships with foreigners
was costing the Australian taxpayer.
Well, according to immigration authorities,
up to 70% of all visitors applying for permanent residency,
either by marrying
or claiming de facto relationships with Australians,
are based on deliberate fraud.
70%? It's quite a statistic, isn't it?
Now, this ends up costing the taxpayer up to $10 million a year.
Amazing. Thanks for that. That's perfect.
It's a pleasure. I'll say hi to Rita, shall I?
No.
You know what, you would do a lot better in your arts career
if you were an Aborigine.
Oh, Alex says hi.
Hey, Chandrika, would you like another cup of tea?
That would be most welcome.
Hey, mate, can you get Chandrika a cup of tea?
And don't forget to wait until the tea has cooled slightly
before putting the honey in this time.
I feel that last time the tea was too hot.
No worries.
Chandrika, I think there may have been a miscommunication.
What have you got? It's pretty good.
Immigration says if Chandrika Laxman
is in Australia after midnight tonight,
she will have outstayed her visa.
OK, OK, well, mix that in with Alex's quote from Australians First,
and add to that the fact that she swindled 25K out of us
and we'll have ourselves a very average
and slightly embarrassing splash.
Go to it. Not so fast, Andrea.
Boss, we were right.
That woman in the conference room
didn't have an affair with the Australian cricket captain.
In fact, she's not even that interested in cricket.
Really? I want that in the story as well.
She's just an average Indian girl on holiday
while having a torrid affair with the Federal Treasurer!
Oh, my God.
The second highest-ranking male in the land!
Alex, that is what you call winning ugly. Congratulations.
Thanks, boss.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
Can I get your number?
No, I don't think so. Yeah, good call.
You're obviously a loony leftie. No offence.
Only right-wing nutters use the term 'loony leftie'.
Really?
And would a nutter be doing their darndest
to protect the good people from the evil people?
Who are the evil people? Mostly Muslims.
And climate scientists.
Thanks, Rita. Mum seems to have really settled in well.
Why can't you have her at your place? It's much bigger.
Well, we don't really have anything in common.
Nice to meet you, Selina. You too.
Well, so long, Rita. So long.
Actually, you couldn't spot me a fitty for a cab, could you?
I think I've lost my wallet.
Where do you live? Armadale.
I can give you a ride. Great.
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