I'm sitting at the bar. We've made eye contact.
You come over. Hit me.
Let's get you out of those wet things.
Yeah, might be a bit smarmy.
I was knocked out by your beauty.
I'm gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Why not just ask if she'd like a drink?
Can I buy you a drink? See? That works.
Because you remind me of my next girlfriend.
Right.
That's a beautiful dress. Yes, it's that simple.
It's gonna look great on my bedroom floor.
Mate, you're coming across as a bit sleazy.
Really? Yeah.
Oh. Shit!
What? I need to do a shit.
Come on.
Cut. Fuck!
Got it, thanks. That's a print for that shot.
What about the boom? We got it the previous take.
The previous take was awful. The previous take was great!
Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck you, Andy!
Sorry. No, don't just be sorry!
Think for one fucking second! What were you doing?
Do I walk around knocking into your gear, going...
Do I? No! What is it with you?! I'm sorry!
Lachlan, it's OK. We can go again.
Thank you!
First positions, everyone. We're going again.
I heard that!
Lachlan Reid would learn a valuable lesson that day.
Never mess with the sound guy.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Alex! Wakey, wakey, mate.
Mike. I forgot to tell you last night.
Rita called.
She wanted to know if I had any images of foetal ultrasounds.
Anyhow, she said to say hi.
Right. Couldn't that have waited till I'd woken up?
Mate, I felt bad about forgetting last night.
I didn't want to forget again.
Look, um, I'm actually calling to say I think it's best
if we don't see each other for a while.
I just need some time to get over the break-up
and move forward with my life.
Gives us a chance to meet other people.
You know, this place has a really musky smell about it.
Must be all the men under one roof.
Or maybe it's Gary's mum.
It's her place,
and she actually passed away here, which is depressing.
Yeah, so, anyway, I also thought that if we...
Shit!
Alex decided against calling Rita back,
because he wanted to maintain an element of mystery.
Meanwhile, Rita had just started work on her latest piece,
entitled The Future,
where she was manipulating foetal ultrasounds
to look like influential historical figures.
Aren't you clever?
Darling, would you mind driving me to set
and helping me with Old Woman's costumes?
Clearly, the future would have to wait.
How's your new place? It's definitely a step down.
I mean, the place itself is fine,
but it's got that 1990s bachelor...
Is that your compassionate face? Yeah. Do you like it?
I got it off Julia Gillard.
The thing about compassionate faces
is they work best when you're actually feeling compassion.
Yeah, you'd think so, but I find that when I'm actually
feeling compassion, I'm at my least convincing.
Right.
Alex Burchill, my office.
Did you know that circulation goes up 30,000
every time there's a Collingwood footballer on the front page?
Really?
And it goes up 30,000 every time
there's a sex scandal on the front page.
What if the Collingwood footballer's in the sex scandal?
Still 30,000. It's essentially the same readers.
Oh!
What do you think of Lachie Reid? He is a genius.
Our focus group research suggests that Australians do not believe
that any one Australian is a genius.
I'm an Australian! No, you're not!
Oh, sorry. I thought you were gonna say you were a genius.
So, we're doing a piece on Lachie Reid, are we?
Yes, we are. Oh, Bob will be excited.
No, don't just be sorry!
Think for one fucking second.
What were you doing?
Do I walk around knocking into your gear,
going...
Do I? No! What is it with you?!
Hey, I heard that!
Right.
It's had 10,000 hits on YouTube already
and the network's gone into damage control.
Hope's asked us to go on set
and do a puff piece on Lachie and his sidekick, Brett someone.
I think it's Brent someone.
Try and get a rise out of him if you can.
It's not gonna be easy.
Hope's gonna be sticking to you like shit to a blanket.
I'm onto it.
I'm thinking 'Lachie Balboa'. 'A Lachie Relationship'.
'Lachie Road To Success'. 'The Lachie Horror Show'.
You know, I'd like to see you do this
when you're doped up on hard medication.
In fact, Alex had adult chickenpox
the night Sting was photographed
coming out of a Hamburg knock shop,
but he still managed to come up with the headline
'Sting's Massage In A Brothel'.
Hey, Brent! Congrats on the AFTR award.
Thank you, Cara! Mmm!
What are you doing? What do you mean?
This.
Geoffrey thought it'd be good for the date scene.
Hides my double chin. But I've got growth.
So? We can't both have growth.
Heather! We can't both have growth.
Geoffrey thought it would be good
for Brent to look good for the date scene.
Well, I'm sorry. Geoffrey!
It's gonna look fucking ridiculous. Geoffrey?
Yes? We can't both have growth.
There's got to be a point of differentiation.
I've always got growth.
I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work.
Alright, Heather. We'll have Brent clean-shaven.
Thank you.
By the way, it would be really funny in the shower scene
if Brent was wanking.
Think about it. Would be quite funny.
Brent will hate it.
Lachlan Reid was the first actor in a wheelchair
never to win an AFTR Award.
Right, I've got a few ideas about how to trigger a tantrum.
OK.
I think if we infringe on his personal territory,
lean on his chair, read his paper, that kind of thing...
What about if we make eye contact?
Yeah, I think he's probably expecting us to make eye contact.
Right. What if we don't make eye contact?
I think we need to get away from the whole eye contact scenario.
No worries. Have you got a tan?
Yeah. Sam thought it'd make me look like a 1980s Tom Selleck.
Tom Selleck the actor? Yeah.
Right. I'm also going to ask a few inflammatory questions.
I guess I could take photos at inappropriate moments.
So, basically we'll do anything we'd normally do
if we weren't restraining ourselves out of politeness.
I think we can safely say we've got this one in the bag.
Well, this is where the magic happens.
Standing by for Lachlan's close-up.
- Turn over. - 524, take 4.
And mark it.
Frame. And action.
I'm ringing Poisons Information. It's too late, mate.
Ah, I'm on hold. Just hang in there.
I can see the horsemen of the apocalypse.
Don't talk like that, mate. Be positive.
They're calling my name, buddy. No!
Yes, mate. It's time to let me go.
No!
Cut. Glorious. Let's swing around for Brent's close-up.
It's not as funny as I thought it was gonna be.
It's the finale.
Yeah, but still.
Alex, you know I'm having a baby. Yeah.
I was wondering if you would do me the honour
of being the child's godfather.
Would I have to kill anyone? You wouldn't have to kill anyone.
The godfather is responsible for the child's spiritual welfare.
Are you religious? No!
OK, sure.
Are you and Rita still going out? Definitely not!
Oh, OK.
Quiet on set, thanks.
Standing by for Brent's close-up.
- Turn over. - Speed.
525, take 1. Mark it.
Frame!
You HAVE got a little double chin. It's cute.
Action!
I'm ringing Poisons Information. Oh, it's too late, mate.
I'm on hold. Just hang in there!
I can see the horsemen of the apocalypse.
Don't talk like that, mate. Be positive!
- They're calling my name, buddy! - No!
Yes, mate. It's time to let me go.
No!
Cut! That's a print. Thanks.
Fuck me dead.
They have such great chemistry together.
OK, guys, cast can head back to the trailer.
We'll set up for scene 33 at the bar, thanks.
OK, are you ready to meet the boys?
Lachlan, Brent, this is...
Alex Burchill. That's right.
You are one of the finest writers in journalism today.
Thanks for that.
Your columns show real insight into celebrities...
what we think, how we feel, what we eat for breakfast.
Very impressive. Exactly what I'm going for.
And your photographs are very good as well.
Thanks!
My job's made a lot easier when I'm dealing with a real star,
such as yourself.
So, that was a very powerful scene, guys.
Yes. We CAN do drama as well as comedy.
So, do you prefer comedy or drama?
Would you mind not doing that, mate?
It's actually a little bit creepy.
So, comedy's more your thing?
What people don't realise
is that comedy's actually harder to do than drama.
How so?
Well, to do comedy, you still need...
When you think about it, comedy is actually drama,
but you have to be funny as well.
In fact, drama is just comedy that's not funny.
Wow! I've never thought of it that way.
Mate, would you mind not touching that newspaper?
I haven't read that myself yet.
So, who do you think's funnier out of you two?
Alex!
Well, we're both funnier than you.
It was true. Alex wasn't that funny.
Hello, hello. Everyone can relax now - Old Woman has arrived.
Hi. I'm Cara. Jay's out here.
He can show you where make-up is, if you like.
I'm method.
I need to feel a deep connection with the character.
I live the character of Rex.
Now, that's a dangerous psychospiritual journey, acting.
Right. Whereas I just say the lines.
Just... some levity.
Oooh!
We're ready for the boys to come back to set, thanks.
Rita? Right, OK, that's it, guys. Thank you.
I'll see you back on set.
So, you must be pretty disappointed
in that sound guy for releasing the tape?
I was wrong to say those things, and I have apologised to Andy.
But you don't feel betrayed by him in any way?
Well, we don't know it was Andy who leaked the tape.
Who do you think leaked it? Well, wasn't me.
It wasn't me!
Oh! Rita!
Can you stay? I just want a quick word.
Oh, well, actually, I...
Rita had been rather looking forward
to getting back to the future.
Sorry, can we just...
I really would prefer if someone else was pushing me.
Just with the traffic. I know I'm being paranoid.
I just... I don't feel safe with Brent wheeling me.
No offence, Brent.
He's a lot less safe now.
This far enough?
If you could just take me to the tea trolley, that'd be great.
Sure.
Hello. Hello.
Lachlan, this is Rita.
And what serendipitous machinations of the universe
bring you here?
Yeah, what serendipitous machinations of the universe
do bring you here?
My mother has a small role. Oh, and are you an actress too?
No, I'm an artist.
I love artists. I've done some life modelling.
Oh! Are you tempted to do some more?
Depends on the artist. You like comedy?
Depends on the actor. I prefer the gravitas of drama.
Do you now?
Will you be staying, perhaps? You could stay for lunch.
No.
Well, actually, I do have some work to do, but, yeah, maybe.
I don't know how you can hang around after my phone message.
Why? What did it say?
Well, why don't you listen to it? I can't. I deleted it.
You deleted it?
I'm sorry! I thought I'd speak to you instead.
What I said in my phone message that you deleted
is that I don't want to talk to you for a while.
Why not? 'Cause it's confusing.
Until we start seeing other people, we're in a grey area.
Well, can't you handle a grey area?
Oh, I can handle a grey area. You just said that you can't.
It's not that I can't handle a grey area.
It's for you just as much as me.
Well, I can handle it, so if you can handle it,
why do we have to stop seeing each other?
We don't! Good.
Quiet on set, thanks.
Hope wants to speak to me.
Oh, she must want you to be her child's godmother.
Would I have to cast any spells...
You wouldn't have to cast any spells, no.
A godparent is responsible for a child's spiritual welfare.
Is Hope religious? No!
Rita's only contact with the Church
was when she rearranged the plastic letters
on a church signboard from
'It doesn't matter who you are, but whose you are'
to 'It doesn't matter who you are, but who youse are'.
Stand by for rehearsal.
And action!
You seem nervous. You OK?
What if she stands me up? What if she doesn't?
That's what I'd worry about if I were you.
I'll be back in a minute. You two, behave!
You don't want her to be bored.
OK, now's our chance.
Let's go stand in Lachlan's eye line and be distracting.
Well, you go. I'll follow.
You've fallen for him, haven't you?
No, I haven't.
I saw you hanging on his every word.
Mate, he had some fascinating things to say about acting.
I hate to say it, but if you're serious about impressing her,
you really need to learn to speak properly.
What do you mean?
Well, if you don't mind me saying so, you crush your vowels.
For example, you say 'kennot' instead of 'cannot'
and 'em I' instead...
Mate, would you mind not doing that while we're rehearsing.
You're right in my eye line. Am I?
Think about it.
If I'm facing you, anything you do is going to distract me.
Of course. Right.
Mate, an actor hasn't shown up.
We need someone for the next scene
who looks like a 1980s Tom Selleck.
There's one line. Are you interested?
Shit, yeah!
Can I hear you say, 'I work in finance'?
I work in finance. Alright, I can work with that.
As you know, I've found an amazing sperm donor,
and now I'm gonna have a baby.
That's fantastic!
It's gonna have all the designer clothes...
new ones, not hand-me-downs,
and I've got the best childcare all lined up
and a Chinese-speaking nanny.
That's a really good idea.
Well, I just want my child to have the best possible start in life.
You'll be a great mum. Thank you.
Now all I need is the eggs. What?
I haven't been able to produce enough quality eggs
to undergo IVF treatment.
Right. I've got a name.
I've got one for if it's a boy and one if it's a girl.
If I don't have a baby soon, the names will become popular
and I'll have to think of something else.
Yeah, that would be annoying.
Rita, would you do me the honour of being my egg donor?
I mean, I think we look quite similar, don't you think?
The brown eyes, the hair.
But how does it even work?
It's just a few injections,
and an hour or so in hospital under general anaesthetic.
I mean, it's actually not that much of a hassle at all,
and afterwards you get raisin toast.
Well, I'll think about it.
Thank you.
Heather, would you touch up my hair and make-up, please?
Oh, you're fine. Your hair looks great...
For fuck's sake, it's not that hard, is it?
No, not at all!
So, you'll be standing next to the bar over here.
Excuse me, where does Old Woman stand?
Your first position is at the end of the bar there.
So, what sort of person am I?
You work in finance,
so you're confident and have a lot of money.
Alright, so, we ready to go? So, what do I do, exactly?
You work in finance. Cara, could you call the rehearsal, please?
Yeah, but what does someone who works in finance actually do?
Doesn't matter, does it? You've only got one line.
Yeah, but as an actor,
you still need to go on a psychospiritual journey,
even if you've only got one line.
Come on! I'm ready to go.
Yes, we're about to go.
Excuse me, when does Old Woman sit down?
Your cue is Bob's line, 'I work in finance.'
OK, so...
Sorry to be a pain, but you still haven't told me
what somebody who works in finance actually does.
Who knows? The writer just wants a character
that's wealthy and lacks sensitivity.
Yeah, but I still need some clue as to what people in finance do
for my motivation.
OK, you make phone calls, send emails, look at pie graphs,
and buy and sell money on the international market.
OK, that helps.
What's Old Woman's motivation?
You want the young man to find you attractive.
Is he an actor? He is today.
I'll say it again - I'm ready!
Everyone in first positions. Thank you.
Do you think Old Woman needs a touch of lipstick?
No, you're fine.
But I'm sure Old Woman would like to look her best.
OK, Heather, can you touch up Gay's make-up, thanks?
Sorry, do you think my character might have a smart phone?
I mean, I think if you work in finance...
Sure. Uh, Nato, can you get Bob a phone, please?
Just letting you know we're an hour over.
Yes, let's go. From Rex's line, 'It's all about the voice.'
Stand by for rehearsal, please, and action.
It's all about the voice.
What do you mean?
Well, if you don't mind me saying so,
you crush your vowels.
For example, you say 'kennot' instead of 'cannot'.
And 'em I'...
For God's sakes, Lachlan,
just get to the end of your fucking line.
Shit.
Bob! No photos on set!
Mate, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me. I just...
What the fuck is your problem?!
Let's take five, everyone.
Mate, I would say sorry, but there's been quite a few times
that you've wronged me in the past,
and I'm not saying that it was right that you were hit,
but what I will just say is that
it's very interesting how the universe works.
Fuck me dead.
Bob, we gotta go.
Alex, Alex, what you just saw did not happen!
Hope, I'm a professional journalist.
No, you're not. You're an entertainment reporter!
No! No! No, no, stop!
You know I'm gonna have to leave here eventually, don't you?
Just give us a chance to make it up to you!
Lachlan is a really great guy. This is a very happy set.
Are you getting this down?
This is a very happy set,
and Lachlan is a generous, kind, not-at-all-sociopathic actor.
I wouldn't mind having another word with Brent, actually.
Well, he's just going to tell you the same thing...
what a delight Lachlan is to work with
and what great chemistry they have!
I'll let him say that for himself, shall I?
Do you mind?
He's only going to tell you what a great creative team they are!
Mate, it must be a nightmare working under these conditions.
It's rare to get such great chemistry between actors!
Is Lachlan always this much of a loose cannon?
It's just part of the creative process.
It's OK to speak, mate. I'm on your side.
I totally understand why you'd leak that tape.
What?! I didn't leak that tape!
Has anyone seen my contact lens case?
Old Woman needs to read what's going on in the next scene.
There they are. You can all stop looking now.
Great.
You know, in my day,
I don't think people used the green room to have a wank!
Oh! Alex, this did not happen.
It's OK, I'm not going to make the victim of this story look bad.
The readers need to empathise with someone.
Thanks, mate.
For the record, Lachlan is a nightmare to work with,
and that is why I leaked the tape.
Thanks for that. He's joking!
He's just being funny. That's comedy!
The network is gonna issue a statement about this!
Alex!
Hope Vanderboom had never felt more alive.
We're off, mate.
Oh, can you wait? I'm needed for the next scene.
Fine.
Alex. Lachlan.
I just wanted to say that it was an absolute pleasure to meet you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry you saw me at my worst.
I shouldn't have done the things I did,
and I know you wanna write about them.
Well, yeah.
I want you to know that I completely respect that.
That's your job, mate,
and I may not like what you're gonna write, but by God,
I will defend your right to write it.
That's very kind of you.
I am, as I said, a great admirer of...
Are you alright, mate?
Can we get a nurse in here?!
Has anyone seen the nurse?
And are you awake when they stick the giant needle
through the vagina wall?
Oh, my God, he's having a heart attack. Call 911.
In Australia, it's 000, not 911.
Yes, that's true, but so many people thought that it was 911
that they actually set it up so that 911 transfers to 000.
Why not just ring 000? Good thinking.
An ambulance is on its way. Does anyone know CPR? Nurse!
I played Nurse Jenkins in The Young Doctors for four years.
Everyone, mind away. Has anyone got an aspirin?
I'll try to keep the oxygen flowing,
but we need to stop the blood from clotting.
He's such a brilliant actor.
He was the inspiration for my acting.
He's a genius,
and I don't normally say that about Australians.
I feel responsible.
Oh, it's not your fault. We're all under a lot of pressure.
We were gonna have a hit of tennis.
He could be incredibly charming when he wanted to be.
I hardly knew him, but he was the nicest guy.
He worked so hard, though. True professional.
He's one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
We've just gotta pray he's alright.
Please be alright.
I can see the horsemen of the apocalypse.
Don't talk like that, mate. Just be positive.
They're calling my name, buddy.
No. Yes, mate!
No! It's time to let me go.
No!
I thought this show would've been a lot funnier.
It was the finale. Still.
Well, I think he's a genius, Lachlan Reid,
even though he's Australian.
What's he like, Alex?
He's really nice.
That was the final episode of Rex.
Brent went on to have a distinguished career in radio,
while Lachlan Reid reprised his role of Rex on Broadway,
which Jason Bateman playing the role vacated by Brent.
Meanwhile, Hope withdrew her request
for Rita to be her egg donor
after Rita made a disparaging remark
about her choice of baby names.
Do you know what it's like
to have women just throw themselves at you all the time?
Reader satisfaction increases whenever you mention
the word 'cricket' or 'affair' in a story.
I just hate that word 'lover'.
Yeah, it's got that 'too much information' feel, hasn't it?
I reckon it's gonna take $10,000
and a first-class flight back to Mumbai just to get her to talk.
Are you feeling alright? I haven't had enough alcohol.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.