We should probably just meet at the restaurant tonight.
Sure.
Don't wear some polo shirt with a daggy sponsor's logo on it, OK?
It's an opening. There'll be media.
Uh-huh.
Right.
What's it going to be this time?
Late training? Traffic?
Well, that's unfair.
You know I'm 110% supportive of your career.
Bullshit.
If you were 110% supportive of my career,
I wouldn't be your dirty little secret.
I want to come out, OK,
but I've gotta do it in my own way in my own time.
It's the opening of my new restaurant...
the most important night of my life,
and my own partner isn't gonna be there.
Well, how do you think it is for me, Leon?
My whole career is at stake.
Yeah, well, so is your relationship, Kade!
That's fine with me.
Leon's Schnoodle, Missy,
secretly had her doubts about the footballer,
but she was intelligent enough to keep them to herself.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Bob!
Would you make me a lemon-and-honey drink,
please, mate?
No worries.
Bob! He's a grown man. He can look after himself.
And could you fill up the hot water bottle please, buddy?
He's got to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Sure.
There's actually quite a few good apartments in here.
Thanks for that.
Is the kettle on?
Ah, sorry, mate. That's OK, you sit there.
I'll do it.
We're right, buddy. Have you got a sore throat, Alex?
Yeah. And my uvula is swollen.
Will you be able to look for apartments?
Oh, what was the flat in Northcote like, mate?
Good, but the guy downstairs has a dog,
and I don't think it liked me.
I just don't want to have to deal with that.
Well, what about the one in Armadale?
Beaver Street. So what?
I can't give my address to people as 'Beaver Street'.
Your address needs to leave a dignified impression.
Was Inkerman Street dignified enough for you?
Stinkerman Street.
Alex, how are you going to find an apartment
if you keep rejecting perfectly good options?
There'll be other options. There's no pressure, mate.
Seriously.
But it would be great if you were gone by Saturday.
Alex also failed to inspect an apartment
on Cumming Street,
and another that was facing south, which he felt was inauspicious.
Alex, in your think piece on '90s bands,
you mention the Nirvana classic Smells Like Teen Spirit.
Yeah, those lyrics would have to be
the most chilling, enigmatic lyrics of all time.
'Here we are now, in containers'?
Yeah. Yeah, they're good.
But the actual lyrics are, 'Here we are now, entertain us.'
Oh, yeah. They're not bad either.
'Here we are now, in containers'? Don't mock me.
My uvula is swollen. Right.
Who's that? Oh, we've got a lunch lady.
Did you order me anything? No. You weren't here.
Great. Now I have to get my own lunch.
Don't you always?
Yeah, but that's when everyone else did too, so it was OK.
Andrea? That's me. Great.
Did you order something? No. No-one told me you existed.
Oh, that's no good. Here.
We have just opened up.
Simply Scrumptious.
I don't normally like alliterations,
but that one works really well.
Thanks.
Honestly, you men are all just monkeys in suits, aren't you?
Hey. Hey, it's Tuesday.
Hey. Hey.
You know he's gay, don't you? No way. We've had a moment.
Everyone thinks they've had a moment with Kade Thompson.
No, there's been a couple of times
when he's deadset barrelled me.
You sure he wasn't looking at your wonky eye?
I bet you a hundred bucks I pash him by the end of the week.
Deal. Here we are now, in containers.
Alex was also inspired by
the lyrics of the Beatles' civil rights classic,
Pay The Black Writer.
Look, I don't know if you're aware, but, uh...
I'm actually...
Greek? Gay.
Oh, right. Well, I was way off. Yeah.
Yeah, well, thanks for sharing that.
And I've got a boyfriend.
Well, the good news is that it's no longer Sunday Sun policy
to discriminate on the basis of sexuality.
Great. 'Cause, uh... 'cause I want to come out.
In my column.
There'll need to be a press conference to promote it. Why?
You don't want to go pouring out your heart onto the page
and have no-one read it.
Alright.
And the column has to be ghosted by one of your gay writers.
The sports guys are too insensitive.
I assume you have gay writers here.
Oh, yeah. Righto.
Let's get this thing rolling before I change my mind.
Alex Burchill, my office.
Alex was reading that, contrary to popular belief,
a swollen uvula is not actually life-threatening.
What's up?
Kade has decided to come out. Oh, that's great, mate.
Congratulations.
I suggested that you might like to ghost his column this week,
since you are also gay.
The sports guys know nothing about this sort of stuff.
Right. So, as you can see, there's a lot riding on this, Alex.
We need to give Kade all the support that he needs.
Of course. OK, this is top secret.
I want you to ring Ginger, Trudy March's assistant,
and get her to organise a press conference for this Saturday.
We'll splash with Kade's personal account,
exclusive to the Sunday Sun.
I'm going to go and tell Leon. He won't believe it.
All Alex heard was,
'Blah, blah, blah, since you are also gay,
blah, blah, blah, blah, Ginger.'
I'm supposed to be gay, but I don't know how a gay person acts.
Do you think there's too much shadowing on the bicep?
No, but I don't think the right one's quite as big as the left.
Oh, yeah, we'll fix that up.
I mean, I took an online test to see how heterosexual I was,
and I rated 96%.
Hey, how's your uvula? I think it's still swollen.
Can you check?
Yeah, it does look a bit swollen.
I mean, I'm just worried I'm going to blow my cover
and stuff up the whole thing.
Well, I wish I could help you, mate, but I took that test too.
98.
Alex wondered whether Bob had confused
the heterosexuality test
with how much he'd paid for his last haircut.
You can get fucked!
Oh, yeah, you might have a point.
James?
Yes?
You were asleep, mate. Ah, no, no.
I was meditating. Right.
So, what have we got today, then?
My uvula is swollen.
Give me your hand. I need to feel your pulse.
I can actually feel my uvula resting on the back of my tongue.
Shh! I'm going to need antibiotics.
Alex, it's the overuse of antibiotics
that's creating superbugs
capable of wiping out the human race.
You got that from Wikipedia, did you?
No, I saw it on Scrubs. Now, let's see your tongue.
Ooh, now, that's interesting.
What? Your uvula's swollen. That's what I just said.
There's only one way to get rid of the heat and damp
from the throat area, and that is cups.
Cups? Take your shirt off and lie on the bench.
Why, what are you going to do?
Alex, just get on the bench. Goodness me.
I didn't do a two-week course in traditional Chinese medicine
for the fun of it.
Now, let me know if this feels too uncomfortable.
How'd the househunting go, Al...
It's just me.
What are you doing? He's sick.
I thought we agreed he was going to do his own chores.
I know. Put it down.
Bob, drop the doona. Drop it. Drop.
Good boy.
Bob could also shake hands and roll over.
Hey, mate, can we have chicken soup for dinner?
To Alex's uncomprehending horror,
he would later learn that there would be no chicken soup either.
I've heard Alex Burchill's column. I don't think he's gay.
Why do you say that?
There's a complete lack of detail about anything of consequence,
like decor and shoes.
Of course.
Just because it's a stereotype doesn't mean it's not true.
Anyway, the important thing is you're doing it.
I can't believe it's happening.
Yeah, I can just imagine the coach's face
when he sees the news tomorrow night.
Yeah. And I get to be a WAG.
Or maybe they should change it to 'WAPs' - Wives And Partners.
Or 'WASOs', Wives And Significant Others.
Yeah, definitely not 'WALs'. Wives and...?
Wives And Lovers.
Hey, I'm sorry I can't be there tonight.
Don't run off with Anthony Callea.
Or any of the Australian swimming team.
Well, it all depends on how drunk I get.
Morning. Good morning.
How do I look? Do I look gay?
Here, mate.
I'm not going to overplay it. I think that'll attract suspicion.
Well, there's no need to overplay it, really,
because you're already 4% gay.
Yeah, but I'm 96% straight.
That's why I had to go to such an effort to tidy my desk.
Well, Susan did.
Oh, right, 'cause gays are neat, aren't they, Alex?
Just because it's a stereotype doesn't mean it's not true.
So how's the househunting going? Still no luck.
I'm sure you'll find somewhere, mate.
Yeah, seriously, Alex, can you just fuck off?
Alex could not understand what Bob saw
in this unrelenting harpy.
But on a positive note, his uvula was feeling much better.
I'm 'Old Woman'. OK.
'Don't condescend to me, just because I'm in a wheelchair.'
Darling, would you mind not trying to act?
It's a bit distracting. Oh, OK.
'Don't condescend to me, just because I'm in...'
You're still doing it. It's just a straight line reading.
No inflection, nothing.
'Don't condescend to me just because...'
Oh, for heaven's sake,
you don't have to sound like a bloody robot.
Gay had always worked hard to ensure
that there was only one actress in the family.
Hi! Alex, can I stay at your place for a couple of weeks?
No, I've gotta move out of there.
I was gonna ask if I could stay at your place for a few weeks.
My mother's here. That's OK.
I could crash in your room. You know we've broken up.
Yeah, nothing would happen.
I've started seeing someone else, if you must know.
Who? She works in a sandwich bar.
You wouldn't know her. What's her name?
Look, it's early days, but I really like her.
We've got a connection.
Oh, well, you don't want to wreck it by staying here.
Besides, being single's working out for me too.
Really? Yeah.
So it's going to get a bit crowded in my bedroom,
what with me and whoever I'm seeing,
and you and the sandwich girl whose name you don't know.
OK. Well, I guess I'd better go to work.
Hello, Alex. I've got a bit of a cold.
Lilies! How lovely.
I don't know whether Ri has a vase big enough for these.
No, she doesn't.
I've noticed Kade's been spending a lot of time around here lately.
Methinks he's using you to get to me.
Well, youthinks wrong. Why, has he got a girlfriend?
No. Right, then.
Care to make the bet a little more interesting?
How much more interesting? A thousand bucks?
You're on.
Hey. Hey.
Hi. Your desk is nice and tidy.
You wanna work here?
Maybe we should work in the conference room.
Oh, Kade, I'm the office's sexual harassment rep,
so any troubles, come straight to me.
I won't hesitate.
As of 2009, it was no longer Sunday Sun policy
to tolerate sexual harassment in the workplace.
Unless, of course, you were good-looking.
The bottom line is that six times more gay teenagers commit suicide
than straight teenagers.
So if we say something along the lines of,
'If I can stop one person from going down that path,
then I've done the right thing'?
So, uh, have you had much discrimination?
Oh, heaps. It's such a bloke-y industry.
You should try playing football for a living.
Got your lunches. Great.
Alright, so I've got the caesar salad for you.
Ta. And this is your schnitzel sandwich.
Excellent.
There's extra avocado in there for you.
Oh, lovely. Thanks.
That's OK.
Well, anyway, I guess I'd better go.
OK. OK.
Are you interested in seeing a film or something sometime?
Uh, I don't think so.
Oh, sorry, have you got a girlfriend?
No, no, no, it's just that I'm...
I'm gay.
Oh! Oh, OK. Sorry, I thought...
I'm really embarrassed.
I didn't want to lead her on. No.
So how are you feeling? Yeah, nervous.
I can't wait till it's over. Yeah, me too.
Having told Jane the sandwich girl that he was gay,
4% of Alex was feeling truly liberated.
Just leave that area free for the news cameras, darling.
You can bring those down there.
Thanks.
Two, two, one. Two.
♪ When the storms of life are raging
♪ Stand by me
♪ When the storms of life are raging
♪ Stand by me
♪ When the world is tossing me
♪ Like a ship upon the sea
♪ Thou who rulest wind and water
♪ Stand by me
♪ Stand by me. ♪
Alex, what gay magazines do you like to check out?
Most of them. Right.
But which ones specifically? All of them.
Any that have been put in front of me.
Can you name any of them?
I have a vast variety of sources where I get my gay news from.
Driver, would you mind turning the radio up?
The league's own Shane McKay.
Macca, it's been another huge week in football,
and to compound it all,
it sounds like you've got some steam for us, mate.
Well, Tommy, there's some intense speculation
that a Victorian-based player is ready to out himself.
That'd be historic, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would.
Look, I wish this player the best of luck,
but if I was him, I just wouldn't do it.
Footy isn't ready. Why is that?
Turn it off thanks, mate. No, no, leave it on.
You know I don't have a problem with gays, Tommy.
Oh, bullshit, you don't.
What you do in your own home is your own business.
But I played footy with a gay guy at school,
and when he entered the showers, everyone walked out.
It creates a massive division, and that's not...
This is rubbish. Switch it off, thanks, mate.
That was the dark ages.
Trust me, once you come out, there'll be a massive shift.
Seriously. Right.
What time is it? Almost four.
We'll give them another couple of minutes.
Howard, you're straight.
If you were having a shower and I walked in, would you run away?
No, but I would call the police.
I'm going to grab a drink at the bar.
Kade, we'll get you a drink, mate. Well, you'd better follow him.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Kade, do not talk to this guy.
Good afternoon, Alex. You two know each other?
He's a journo. He's probably got a recording device somewhere.
Oh, Alex, come... There. He's got a wire on him.
Oh.
Well, I can't go to the press conference like this.
Give me your shirt. No.
Give me your shirt. You've ruined mine.
I think you should give him your shirt, mate.
Fine.
Ooh, that's embarrassing.
They're just cup marks
to get rid of the heat and damp in my throat area, alright?
What Alex failed to realise
is that knowing the genesis of the purple welts
didn't actually make the purple welts any less disgusting.
Won't be long now, mate. Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I just don't think I can go through with this.
Come again? Sorry, guys.
Let me know how much it cost. I'll pay for it.
It's not the cost, mate.
What will we tell these people? And it's the cost.
Come on, Kade, you can do it. I know when I came out...
Oh, cut it out, Alex. I know you're not gay.
Oh, Alex, how could you deceive the Sunday Sun like that?
They're all here. Are we ready? Yeah, we're all ready to go.
I said, I'm not doing it. Say again?
OK, if you're not gonna do it,
we'll have to announce something else.
It'd better be massive, or there'll be a riot.
Right. Are you thinking of retiring?
Got any drug problems? No. Steroids? No.
Interactions with dogs? No.
Can you think of anything? You'd be surprised what we can spin.
And bloody hurry. Uh... I've stopped eating bread!
That's probably a bridge too far.
Anything else?
I'm considering including Pilates in my training routine.
You got any injuries?
Because of the grounds being too dangerous.
Yeah. Yeah, I've slipped once or twice at Docklands Park.
That surface is really dodgy.
Maybe we can whip that up into something?
Yes! Get onto Andrea.
Get her to bring us a list of every injury to every footballer
who's played at Docklands in the past two years,
then get her to compare that to the G.
There's been more injuries at Docklands, hasn't there?
Oh, yeah. I think so.
Headline.
Well, 'Cocklands' is the obvious choice, but we can't use that,
so I guess we're stuck with 'Shocklands'.
Brilliant! OK, this is going to be big.
Not quite as big as the journos were expecting. Shit, no.
As soon as he makes his announcement,
I'm friggin' out of here.
Um, and without further ado,
I will hand you over to Kade Thompson
for his important announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank you all for coming.
After much consideration, I've decided to...
I've decided to make a public statement...
about the condition of the Docklands playing surface.
There's been a number of injuries on the field
which I strongly think are related to
the preparation of the surface.
Round four, St Kilda versus West Coast,
St Kilda, S Hawkin, ACL injury.
Round ten, Carlton versus Collingwood,
Carlton, D Murray, groin strain.
Round seventeen, Essendon versus Fremantle,
Fremantle, J Leno, sore foot.
So it is with a heavy heart that I announce today
that I will not be playing at Docklands Park again
until the playing surface has been fixed to my satisfaction.
Thank you.
Oh, and also, uh...
I'm gay.
I'm a gay guy who's no longer playing at Docklands.
You can read about the gay bit in tomorrow's Sunday Sun.
That'll be a thousand bucks, thanks.
Ready to go, mate?
And so Alex faced the frightening prospect
of having to teach Dr James and Gary Duffy
how to play test match cricket.
Simply Scrumptious. Yeah?
I'm so sorry about in there.
I wanted to tell you I'm not actually gay.
Then why would you say that?
Long story,
but the desired outcome is that gay footballers
never have to hide who they really are ever again.
So do you want to go see a movie? That'd be lovely.
But no more lying.
If this is going to go anywhere,
I've got to know that I can trust you.
OK.
Then I should tell you
that I think you can probably come up with a better name
than Simply Scrumptious.
OK, well, I'm really sorry that you feel that way.
Bugger!
What do you think of Lachy Reed? He is a genius.
Do I walk around knocking into your gear, going, 'Da, da, da, '?
Do I? No!
Well, this is where the magic happens.
Noooo!
It's not as funny as I thought it was gonna be.
Till we start seeing other people, we're in a grey area.
What, can't you handle a grey area?
Oh, I can handle a grey area.
What the fuck is your problem?
What you just saw did not happen. I'm a professional journalist.
No, you're not, you're an entertainment reporter.
I think we can safely say we've got this one in the bag.
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