You know, I think it's great that Chris is saving money working out of the garage.
He just keeps coming upstairs all the time.
He's really wrecking me and Amy's rhythm.
You know, Chris working right downstairs?
- Yes. - That's so sexy.
So how many times have you two made love today?
You really don't get how marriage works, do you?
Wait a minute...
Doesn't that singing cowboy look a lot like Walter?
What, Walter-Walter? Your old accompanist, Walter?
♪ Yes, I know the what? The man ♪
♪ The Muffin Man The Muff-- ♪
That's right. ♪ Yes, I know ♪
Oh, that is Walter.
Is his hat too small on purpose?
Why is he playing a kid's birthday party?
You don't think it's because, when I got the Ava show,
I kind of promised him that he was going
to be leader of my house band,
but then I nixed the idea because I was worried
that he was going to pull too much focus,
so I never gave him a heads up, do you?
No, it could be part of it. No...
♪ Hi-ho! ♪
You thinking what I'm thinking?
That, uh, fate has brought us here
so you could finally apologize to the man?
You are not thinking what I'm thinking.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Okay.
Ava?
Ava!
Ava Alexander!
- Walter! Hi! - We thought that was you.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Walter, you've not changed a bit.
Well, except for the chaps
and the vest sewn directly onto your shirt.
So you didn't get any of my emails?
- I mean... - You know, um...
So, Walter, how long have you been...
Yeah, I get paid in cash. Pretty sweet.
Ooh, nothing for you, Mr. tax man.
Cowboy Walt!
Well...
That's my cue, m'ladies.
I reckon I best be moseying on.
I'd love to grab a sasparilly with ya later, fine lady.
Oh!
No, seriously, you wanna grab a coffee or something?
Sure, yeah, um, whatever you want.
And if--I'm happy to treat. My treat.
Sounds wonderful, kemosabes.
Oh, wow.
- Look at him mosey on. - Yeah, right back in, seamless.
Aww.
Okay, so, here's the kitchen,
the on-site gym-slash-rakes,
the CEO suite,
and, of course... The executive washroom.
Ooh, nice. Keeping it classy, huh?
And because it's your first official day
as a stay-at-home parent, I'm right downstairs,
so, if you have any Amy-related questions...
I think I am good. Amy and I are going
to do a little face-painting, maybe a tea party.
And then at 1:00, we are gonna have a nice nap.
A 1:00 naptime. Good luck with that.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just, during the week, when Justin's at work,
that dog barks her ass off.
Gotta kind of play naptime by ear,
really feel it out, wait for a yap-free window.
Okay, that's ridiculous.
I'm gonna go talk to him about it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. - What?
You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't.
This neighborhood is a very delicate ecosystem.
You pull one thread and it--
the whole thing just totally unravels.
God, you are so dramatic.
See, my time at home with Amy has taught me a few things.
We hate Paul's hideous fiero, but we can't say anything,
because he brings our trash cans in.
Everybody knows that our tree is stone-cold dead.
It's literally crapping branches.
But gene doesn't say a word, which is why
we don't say anything about his rusted trampoline
- that's filled with pinecones. - Wait, I thought--
I thought you said something to him about the trampoline.
No, I lied to your face...
Just to keep the peace.
Love it. Yeah, we'll fit it in.
Boom.
We're all set to bid the restaurant remodel
tomorrow afternoon, 3:00 P.M., cajun grill.
Boom sauce!
You're gonna be doing all the talking, right?
'Cause, you know, smoozing is not my--
- Schmoozing. - Why can't I get that?
I don't--
That's so cute.
I bet Reagan and Amy are having
a little tea party upstairs right now.
Hope Reagan didn't invite Mr. Crinklepants.
Who's Mr. Crinklepants?
Just this a-hole elephant.
I hope that she remembered to cut the sandwiches
- into tiny bites. - Come on, man.
You've gotta let Reagan do her thing with Amy.
Just--you need to focus.
Yes, you're right, you're right, you're right.
I need to fo--
I'm sorry, does that sound like "fun" running,
or, like, "running to the computer
to Google the Heimlich maneuver" running?
Amy, it's the good yogurt. It's the yummy one, with--
stupid with berries.
Yeah, so much berries, so many berries.
Let's try that one more ti--
Okay, all right, here, here. You wanna just...
Honey, what you doing here?
Oh, you know, snack time's always tricky,
so you might want to give her ten minutes of TV.
Help her ease into the yogurt.
Don't worry. I got your back, babe.
Okay, you know what? I don't need my back to be got.
I got this.
Yeah? Okay, I--
You know what you can do to help, honey?
You can go over to Justin's house
and talk to him about his yapping dog.
Well, I can't do that. Ecosystem.
- Come on, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. - Um, um, um, babe...
You might want to just get that--mm, but--but---
All right, honey, don't backseat parent me, man.
I'm not...
Backseat...
Came to enjoy me a diet fresca.
All frescas are diet.
Listen, why don't you enjoy that fresca on your commute?
Back to work.
Great one. The commute, 'cause it's right...
I don't have a commute, is the point.
I know.
I would love some ice.
- Babe, now. - I would love--okay.
Cheers.
Mm-hmm.
So you're happy, Walter?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah, I mean, look at...
I mean, I am 41 with a roommate, but doing what I love.
I'm singing, you know, doing my music.
- Shut the [bleep] up! - I'm allowed until 9:00 P.M.!
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, Walter, I am so glad you're not angry with me.
What?
Of course not, no.
We--we had some good times.
Yes, we did.
Speaking of good times...
I just landed a gig to do
the radio jingle for mattress mart.
The one on Pico, not Beverly, but still.
And I was thinking, maybe we could do it together?
Oh, wow, no. Oh, um...
I am so busy with my show...
Getting canceled.
May I tempt you with a verse?
Yes.
Don't make me come out there.
I am entertaining!
You know what, Walter? Let's do this jingle.
Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Your lovey got dirty at the park,
so mama put it in the wash and...
She didn't put it in the dryer.
Hang on, honey. Just hang on, hang on, hang on.
- Hang on. - Take your time. We're fine.
Oh, no. No. Back in office.
- You, back in office. - Wait--what--
- Back in office. Go, go. - Come on!
Oh, man.
Justin's Pomeranian is probably working Reagan's last nerve.
Chris, you can't go up there.
You gotta let Reagan find her own way,
'cause if you don't, she told me
she'd kick my ass until it falls off.
Probably going ballistic.
No, look.
She's taking Amy for a little power walk right now.
No, no, no.
That's not a power walk. That's a march of anger.
Babe, babe, babe, babe.
Babe, just don't say anything to Justin.
Screw the ecosystem, honey. All right, seriously?
I will go scorched earth on this entire street
to get that dog to shut up.
That's what I'm worried about. Look, just run away.
- Just run away-- - Hi, Justin.
- Hey. - How are you?
We need to talk to you about your dog.
Bless your hearts.
It's still so hard for me to say this out loud, you know?
Bougainvillea's got great Pomeranian genes.
She's a show dog. She's a champion.
Do you know what's not a champion?
Her uterus.
Little Bougie's barren.
But the whole neighborhood's rallying.
We're doing a potluck fundraiser
to make sure that little Bougie's gonna
be able to have baby Bougies.
Y-you're having a fundraiser for doggie I.V.F.?
Get in here. Come on.
- Are you [bleep]-- - Yeah, no, we're gonna--
We're--we're there.
We will bring the apps.
Well, you guys seem busy.
- We'll leave you to it. - Well, we're gonna take off.
Hold up, hold up. Bryce?
I think you should just come in right at the end
and hit ♪ disposal ♪
- Really sell it. - No, no, no, no, no.
I-I liked it. Yeah. Bryce?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Bryce? Bry?
You know, can--
Why don't we just try it once my way?
See how it sounds?
Nah, let's just do it the way--the way I wrote it.
- Yeah? Okay. - Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Bryce?
♪ we do free box spring disposal ♪
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was--
that was it. That was hot.
- Was that it, Bryce? - That was hot, yeah.
♪ Up above the world so high ♪
♪ Really wish that dog would die ♪
♪ twinkle ♪
Oh.
Oh, look who's home, huh?
Come on, honey.
Hey, Justin! Justin, could I talk to you pl--
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, oh. Oh, no.
Ohhh, lord. Okay, oh God.
Oh God, oh God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Honey, I'm coming. I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey, honey. Hi, honey.
Oh, God. Mommy's here.
Hi, honey, I... Didn't abandon you.
I just locked myself out.
Honey, no painting. No painting, okay?
TV, TV, watch TV.
What are you doing, honey? What are you doing?
No, no, no. Okay.
That's so pretty. Come back.
Where you going? Where you going, honey?
Oh, God.
And then I was thinking,
on the second dust mite section...
- Mm-hmm? - It might be fun
to do, like, a little scat sort of thing in there, like...
That is a great plan B.
I'm gonna jot that down with my brain pen.
Got it.
Bryce, let's go back to one, okay?
Holdsies, Bryce-a-roni.
This is not about the mattress jingle, is it?
Wh-what do you mean?
You're harboring anger at me,
about when I dreamgirled you when I got the show,
and now you're saying no to everything I pitch,
just to get back at me.
Ava, come on.
Listen to my voice. I am not angry.
I am so calm, I could host an NPR show.
- You're right, you could. - Yeah.
- Sorry. - Okay?
Okay.
Ooh.
- Great. - Okay.
So I was thinking, on the bridge,
we could try my falsetto idea.
Yeah, probably not.
That's it.
I know what you're doing, and I am out of here.
Bryce, you can have
my chicken Caesar wrap when it gets here.
Ava!
Is that--are those good, the chicken caesars?
Well, we're so excited. It's the best space, you know?
I'm always saying "This is the best space"
when we drive by here.
I'm sorry, one second, this is just, uh...
It's my current wife.
Got kind of a fun thing going, so I'm just gonna...
- Go for Chris. - Hey, babe.
Uh, quick question. Does Triple "A" do houses?
- What? - I'm locked out, Chris.
I am l--oh, oh, oh God.
Amy, hi, hi, honey.
Okay, no, don't do that.
Listen, um, honey,
we're almost done here, so why don't you guys
go into the backyard and hang out?
And I'll be back in about an hour
and let you guys in, okay?
It's her first week at home with the kid.
No, you don't seem to understand this.
I am locked out, and Amy is inside the house.
Amy is inside the house.
And the only thing between us is a bunch of locked doors.
What?
A bunch of locked doors, okay?
Oh, you know what?
I got this.
Reagan, don't hang up. Reagan, Reagan.
It's his first week with her being at home with the kid.
Okay, don't panic, honey.
Mama's coming.
It's okay, Aimers.
Got this.
Shut up, bougainvillea.
Sh--oh.
Fabulous.
Okay.
Hey, honey. How's it going?
Babe, what is going on?
Oh! Sh--
Babe. Reagan.
Last time I heard, you guys were locked--
- Honey. - Hello?
- Give mama her phone, okay? - Hello?
Hand mama--just give it-- hand it to mama.
- Hello? Reagan? - Hand mama the phone.
Hello, Reagan? Hello?
Please, mommy's stuck in a window.
- What is going on? - Don't, don't put it in the...
Wait, are you guys okay?
Toilet.
Hello, Reagan?
Reagan?
- Reagan! - Ava!
I know nothing about parenting,
but shouldn't you be inside the house?
Yeah, most likely I should.
So, uh, push my ass through the window, please.
Um... Just--just hold your ass?
What's wrong with Walter?
Everything was "No, no, no, no, no."
Why did he completely ignore all of my great suggestions?
Maybe because he's not on your payroll?
Huh?
Honey, ever since the Ava show started,
nobody has said no to you.
That is not true. You say no to me all the time.
No, I either caved or I tricked you
into thinking that it was your idea.
Nobody's said no to you,
even when the answer should have been no.
Do you remember
your "Journey Through Ava's Large Intestine" show?
What are you talking about? Everyone loved that show.
Ohh.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, it's all over the floor.
Oh, beautiful.
Maybe I should really start listening to people.
Hey, sweetie, come check this out.
- Ava. - Yeah, that's what it is.
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection,
which I am wont to do from time to time.
Turns out, when I don't get my way,
I...may be a little bit of a pill.
Well... If you are a pill...
Then write me a prescription,
because I wanna be addicted to you.
Aw! Gosh.
Would you be willing to give me a second second chance?
♪ You're looking for a quality mattress ♪
♪ but you don't want to pay full price ♪
♪ we will guarantee satisfaction ♪
♪ and the smiles are twice as nice ♪
♪ come to a place where mattress service ♪
♪ is always state of the art ♪
♪ 4140 Pico Boulevard ♪
♪ discount mattress mart ♪
♪ I want to rest with you ♪
I can love you right, but not just on any mattress.
Quality mattresses equal quality love-making.
Everybody knows that.
♪ Between the sheets ♪
♪ would you get in there with me? ♪
♪ but on a real good mattress ♪
♪ so come to a place where mattress service ♪
♪ is always state of the art ♪
♪ 4140 Pico Boulevard ♪
♪ discount mattress mart ♪
- Did we-- - Yay, Bryce!
Bryce, thank you for your hard work.
Were you recording, Bryce?
Reagan. Reagan, are you kidding me?
You tell me that Amy's locked out of the house,
then you hang up and don't call back?
My phone was in a toilet, Chris.
I couldn't call you back
because my phone was in a toilet.
Well, you just gotta do a better job
of keeping me in the loop.
I'll keep you in the loop. I suck at being a mom, okay?
- Howdy, neighbors. - Hi.
Welcome to "Litter of Love: Potluck
for Bougie's Fertility Treatments."
Oh, no, wh--
You guys were supposed to bring appetizers.
Listen to me. It's been a really rough day, gene, okay?
So I want you to take these lean cuisines,
put them in the microwave for about two to three minutes,
and point me in the direction of that barren dog, okay?
Thank you.
♪ discount mattress mart ♪
- It's good. - Whew.
It's really got some stink on it.
- We are good together. - I know.
When we worked together, it was, uh...
It was great.
- Yeah, it was really great. - Yeah.
And then...
- You threw it all away! - What?
We could have been so great together, Ava,
and now I sell my blood for cash.
What about all the kids' birthday parties?
You think I love strapping on
a freaking cowboy suit with a doll's hat?
So I'm gonna go.
How about, for once, I say when you go?
That's fine, if you--
Go!
You know, what we did here today was amazing.
Truly magical stuff, Ava.
- And I s-- - Get out!
Look, babe, I'm sorry that I came on too strong out there.
It's just the last couple days have been hard.
Being away from Amy, I'm sorry, I've just been worried about--
Well, you should be. You should be worried.
I mean, what's going to happen next, Chris?
What, one night, I leave the back door open
and we wake up to a house full of hobos?
I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home parent.
- I'm just not. - Give yourself a break.
It's your first week home with Amy--
Yes, and I locked her in the house, Chris.
I couldn't even put my own baby down for a nap.
No, you--honey, you are doing a great job.
You are, I'm serious.
And the nap thing was not your fault.
Do you wanna know whose fault it is?
This stupid dog that won't stop barking.
Look at her, barking at her own party.
Would you shut up, Bougie? Would you just shut up?
- This dog is, like, the wo-- - Oh, hi.
I'm sorry that my gravely infertile dog
is such a nuisance to your precious life.
You know what, now that we're taking the time
to air our grievances neighbor to neighbor,
a little heads up-- It's okay, Bougs--
trying to save money by turning your garage into an office?
You're not zoned for that, Chris.
You're just not zoned for it.
Fine. I'll find another office.
All right, Justin?
But I'll tell you something, man.
You better do something about that little barking apocalypse,
because she is driving my wife crazy.
Am I right, Reag--
Oh, poor Bougie.
She just doesn't wanna die alone without no babies, honey.
It's why she-- it's why she barks.
Do you feel stupid?
You know what, I don't care about the ecosystem.
I do not care.
Hey, gene, your trampoline is filled with garbage, man.
And Sandra, what's with the swing set in the front yard?
I mean, what is wrong with you?
Why are you all looking at me? We're all doing stuff.
We're all doing stuff! That's right, Paul.
You either put a tarp on that fiero or have it towed.
Let me tell you something. That lemon tree?
Those are my lemons. So if I see one of you people
taking one of my lemons-- if I see anybody eating a lem--
Well, that was a [bleep] show.
Entire neighborhood thinks
we're a couple of solid-gold crazies.
Mm-hmm.
Well, at least Amy didn't trash the house.
Oh, she did.
Ah, I guess tomorrow,
Scotty and I'll just look for some office space.
- Oh... - It's not the worst idea.
I mean, might make it easier on me,
not being tempted to come up and check up on you guys.
Oh, I liked when you popped up.
- Well-- - I'll help you look.
Mm. Mwah.
Good night.
- I'm gonna-- - You can't call.
Okay.
Babe, there's another spot right here.
She covered a lot of ground, didn't she?
- Oh, and a lot of wall. - Oh, boy.
God, you really let her have free rein out here, huh?
I know. It was a learning curve.
Okay.
Oh, babe, you, uh...
- I love you. - I love you too.
- Have a great day. - You too.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com