Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Family meeting!
Oh, it's times like this I wish I had more body hair.
You don't do bad, love!
First one down here gets a tenner!
I was lying about the tenner.
Stay, stay, stay!
Me and your mum have got some serious news.
With the boiler going, we've got no money until the end of the month.
You've always got no money! And now we've got less than that.
You're great and everything, but we had you lot so young that we've spent our lives chasing our arses.
It's a financial term.
Are you saying it's MY fault? No, no. Of course not, love.
It's the fault of all three of you, equally.
But, what's great is, I'll show you all how to live frugally, like my old nan.
She was weird and horrible!
Yes, she was, BUT...
She knew how to get by on 98p a week.
So come on, how are you all going to help?
I've got the Christmas tips from my paper round. You can have that if you need it.
Don't say that. Come on, Steve... Oh no, darling, that's yours.
How much have you got? No!
We could help by begging.
Shop lifting.
OK, you can just give up biscuits. Chloe?
Oh, before we come to me, you'll be giving up booze then, Mum!
Look, I have the odd glass of wine.
Yeah, "odd", cos it contains half a pint.
Oh, right! I'll go without then.
If you'll give up football on cable TV.
Yeah, of course. You could cancel that now.
I don't know the number.
Oh, it's just... it's just there.
No, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll sell a kidney. Just do it, Liam!
Hi, Uncle Kevin.
Hi, Mikey. It's either cold or you've started a folk band.
I'm going outside...
to get warm.
What's the Fat Controller doing in me garden?
Cheers for sorting Dad out with that job. It's transformed him.
From a miserable sod to a miserable sod with a job.
I don't want to!
I stuck my neck out to get him that job, but he's driving the guests mad at the hotel.
What?!
Dad... I'm cancelling it! She's getting a pen!
I was going to say, I know this lad who fancies me who'll probably fit us a new boiler for free.
That saves us what, a grand? Why are you being so kind and considerate?
That's really wounding.
Oh, that's why it's cold. What happened to your boiler?
Yes, I blew up a boiler. Who hasn't?
Ah, yer...!
You all right?
Yeah, yeah, fine. Just doing this.
Yeah, baby! Bow down to the king.
Do those things ever blow up?
No, no! They've got like a safety mechanism built in.
I've just taken the front off the boiler!
Should I be able to see flames?!
Sorted.
At least I had a go.
What do you think? Oh, you look great, Jim.
Yeah!
Nice, Dad. Who's looking after your circus?
It's cold in here. I can feel everything shrivelling up.
We can't afford to fix the heating. Do you know anything about boilers?
I know a lot about everything, not that anyone thinks to ask. Do you know anything about boilers?
No.
Right, I'm passing your school. Who's ready for a lift in the Jimousine? Cheers, Dad.
Hey, Chlo, Chlo. Who's that lad you said could fix the boiler?
Dean he's been hanging around me with his tongue out for ages.
Is he up to the job? Er, no! He dresses like a teacher. I couldn't be seen out with him.
Is he up to the job of fixing the boiler?
Yeah, he's a techie brainiac.
He built his old nan a stairlift out of a lawn mower.
Sweet.
Or was it the other way round? Hey, hey, get him in!
Dad, did you cancel the cable TV? Yeah, sorry, son.
But it's City vs United this weekend!
Oh, no! I forgot! Come on City!!
Shut it, Dad!
Why can't you both support the same team? Aw, God!
Joking, aren't you?! Come on, Steve.
Your cable TV's not working.
No! They've not cut it off already! I've only just cancelled it.
You selfish git!
How am I going to watch World Heads-Up Poker Challenge now?
Thanks!
As it happens I'm just about to reconnect it. Anyway, you're supposed to have stopped gambling.
I was only watching it.
Hello, yeah. I've just cancelled my subscription. I'd like to reinstate it, please.
What, how much?
I just did it.
But what about the cooling-off period like when you buy a ferret online, like me kids did?
It's all right.
I can watch "Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman". Who needs cable TV?
No, do it for nothing now!
No, do it for nothing NOW!
No, do it for noth...
Are they doing it for nothing?
You, you! You're going to pay to reconnect my premium TV.
If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't be knocking round here.
The derby's on at the weekend. Me and the boys always watch it together.
Afternoon, sir. Afternoon.
Lovely suit, very natty. Thank you.
Another day another dollar. Or as they say in Vietnam, another day another dong.
All right?
All right.
Afternoon, darlings.
Off shopping are you, sweetheart? Spending your husband's money? No.
My wife always used to say, "I only come alive when I'm shopping."
She's dead now.
All right, Jim?
Oi!
Nice top!
Not YOU, the busty girl behind ya!
Jim!!
They're going to a women in business seminar.
In my experience, the ladies like to squeeze in some shopping, too.
Yeah, we've noticed you calling women guests "darling" and "sweetheart".
And now, "busty girl".
They love it. Look, let's stop pretending we're all lady boys.
Well, you say that... The way I see it, Caroline,
the women are the ones with the breasts and the men have, er...
and I'll use the official words, as it's you the meat and two veg.
I can see you've done your research.
You should get down the shops, too.
That coat's no spring chicken, is it?
Yeah! I just... I can't decide between the Prada or the Versace.
Afternoon, gorgeous! Oh...!
Fine.
Have you moved since this morning?
Yes! I tried not to.
It's actually a lot harder than it looks and, er, you're out of food.
I know. We're cutting down. I'm glad you're here. I've worked out how we can make some money.
How?
You're going to make it for me poker!
No! No way. No!
I am trying not to gamble.
I...I've been to the Gamblers Anonymous disco.
I'll do it online. You've just got to show me what to do.
I swore to Mum on her deathbed that I'd give up gambling.
No, you didn't!
Yeah, but I meant to. I had it written down on my hand.
Well, it hasn't worked has it. You've lived off gambling since primary school.
You're brilliant at odds and probability theory and all that.
Would you force a recovering alcoholic to down a pint?
Yes, if it was to help me family.
And anyway you owe us!
After your girlfriend kicked you out you've treated this place like a leisure centre.
I'm in a transitional phase. Yes, well so are we.
From poor but happy to dying on our backsides.
Come on! How much have you got to play with?
Ten quid. Oh, that's insulting!
I'm already in the "you must be joking" zone.
If I go over that an alarm goes off at the bailiffs.
Don't tell Caroline.
She's got gambling down there with incest and buying a puppy just for Christmas.
She's here! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!
If they pass the ball through the midfield, get it to Rooney, we've got a chance...
of winning the game, haven't we? Yeah... because Rooney's... a nice guy.
Hi, love... It's... You need to explain to your dad about how sexual politics have changed.
Yeah, right! No, I mean it.
Before he actually says, "I say! Ding-dong!" to a woman guest.
Oh, come on! He's just being olde worlde.
Yeah, olde worlde sexist. I'll get into trouble.
I gave him quite a build-up.
Jim's very special.
He absolutely loves people.
Great at opening doors, obviously.
So he's a good team player?
Yeah!!
AND he's... always... thoughtful
and helpful...
and drop dead gorgeous.
Who the hell's that?! I wish he WAS me dad.
Well, I had to lie. We needed Jim to get the job.
He's been sitting round our house like a suicidal bloody walrus.
This is Dean. Hello, mate.
Dean, you are the most attractive man in this room.
Just to be clear, she means, "Cos you're carrying the boiler."
Oh, right! Yuh, yuh, yuh!
No, it's really good of you, mate, and I know you like Chloe,
so she'll make you tea and talk to you entertainingly.
Just to be clear, I won't!
I'll get me tools.
Nice one.
You don't feel bad that we're exploiting him, do you?
No! He said he don't want paying.
I'm cold and I'd trade in a child for a hot shower.
You know what it's like when you're in love, you'll do anything.
Yeah! Let's get him to service the car when he's done the boiler!
Right! This is tea.
Whoa, whoa! Hold it right there!
I'm not eating budgie!
It's a chicken. It says on the label.
That'll never go round five people.
It'll do more than that. The meat's for sandwiches tomorrow. The bones are for a tasty soup tonight.
Ooh, at last! Bone soup.
What's this, wartime?
My nan was famous for her soup AND her cabbage cake.
Ooh, tasty as that sounds, let's not have it.
And, look, I found these at the back of the cupboard.
Scratched off the sell-by date, so don't bother looking.
Tinned broad beans and melon chunks.
How have these not got snapped up?
And this. Ah! I'm saving it for when the kids allow me to drink again.
One can of budget lager.
So this is what it's come to.
We can get through this, love.
Yeah, I know we can.
So, you don't mind going without football?
Look at you. You're just...
Oh, that must feel nice!
It's all right. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah.
I can see my breath in front of my face.
There you go, all the fun of smoking without the health implications.
We're having that foil back when the heating's fixed.
How's it going, Dean?
Good, yeah! Boilers are like babies.
You've got to sense their every need.
Yeah!
There's a man at the window in fancy dress.
Yeah, it'll be me dad.
We used to let him in the house but he just got annoying.
So you'll have a word with your dad?
Yes.
Evening, all.
Hiya, Jim. All right, Dad.
My God! Who died?
Soup died.
Yes, to be fair I should have sweated the carcass for two days in a tarragon/thyme bouillon.
Yeah, that would have improved it!
Whatever.
Hmm-hmm.
She looks so beautiful when she sleeps.
Doesn't she just.
You were dribbling, love.
I'm not a snob, God knows,
but it's nice to meet the posher types at the hotel and get away from the riff-raff.
Dad, I've got some bad news for you.
WE'RE the riff-raff.
You speak for yourself.
Listen, Dad, Caroline said that at work you're being... How can I put it nicely?
A sexist dinosaur.
I am NOT!
Who actively encouraged his wife to go out to work...
down a coal mine, if necessary?
Yeah, to pay for your Man City season ticket!
Who booed at the TV during the Miss World competition?
Yeah, cos you didn't rate the winner, Miss Venezuela. Oh, yeah!
Well, Miss Costa Rica was robbed.
Yes, she was but, Dad, at work you've got to treat men and women the same.
They're not the same though, are they? I mean, women have got breasts.
I know what they've got!
But time's moved on. You've got to move on with it.
Otherwise, the management will show you the door. You know what I mean?
What's acceptable then?
Well, I don't know! "Sir. Madam."
Don't make me role play a woman coming out of an hotel.
Where's the personality in "sir" or "madam"?
I'm a showman! I'm the Willy Wonker of the Manchester hotel scene!
I'm not denying you're a "wonker".
I'm just saying, you like the job, so do what you have to do to keep it, all right?
Fancy a pint?
Yeah.
Good! You're buying.
Are you all right dressed like that or do you want to put something more flamboyant on?
Sorry, love! I couldn't get me dad off the karaoke.
We had nine What's New Pussycats and a Macarena. It wasn't pretty.
All done!
What are you doing? Don't do that.
Sorry, Mr Flynn. What a genius! Come on! Give me a hug, come on!
All right, gorgeous.
Toilet's frozen over.
Listen, we're sorry we can't pay you. How can we thank you?
By making Chloe go out with me.
We can't MAKE her, Dean. She's a free spirit.
So, does it work?
It will... When I fit the last part.
When can you fit that?
When Chloe goes on a date with me.
Look, Dean...
Going on a date with a girl who doesn't want to be there is a really empty experience.
Liam remembers.
Yes, I do. Yeah.
Still, it's better than nothing.
That is also true.
Whose side are you on?
Yeah! My daughter's worth more to me than the price of a boiler.
OK.
Sorry then. Oh...!
That little... Are you having that?
Look, I'll go out with Dean for the sake of our family. Have you seen us lately?
No, I'm not pimping out my daughter for an efficient heating system.
No! No way.
No, no. You're better than that, love. Absolutely.
Well, why should he get the better of us, the reptile?
We're cleverer than that and this way there'll be more heat around here.
Yeah?
All right. Cheers, Chloe.
See ya.
Ta-ra.
Nice hot water bottles. Thanks.
Belters, them!
All right? Good morning.
Hey, what about City and United tomorrow then?
I expect you'll be getting the lagers in, yeah?
You are NOT wearing that out.
Why not?
Because Dean will take one look at you and bog off.
Wow!
Brutal!
Shut up! Look, let me talk you through this.
Tight jeans and a top means, "I'm interested and available."
You're NOT wearing that!
Skirt and top says, "Playing it cool but interested."
Not when I wear it!
None of this really applies to the over 30s.
Oh, bless ya!
Whereas this says, "I'm not interested. Try harder, you loser."
Just don't drink and bring Dean home early so he can finish the boiler.
What's for tea?
Very nearly tinned broad beans in a melon sauce.
But I found a pizza in some ice at the bottom of the freezer.
Evening, Mr and Mrs Flynn. Evening, Shaggy!
Where are you going?
The Pelican. Woah, woah!
No, you're not going to a pub. I know pubs. I know what happens.
Suddenly, it's 11.30 and you can't remember your name.
It's quiz night! I'll be sipping orange juice and learning interesting facts.
Right. Hey, no funny business, Dean.
Right? Have her back by nine o'clock.
Go on, love. Go on.
Hey, bring your tools!
I'm off, too, love. Late shift. All right. Mwah!
Oh, help Mikey with his French homework.
Will do.
Hey, Mikey, listen up!
Voila!
Croissant!
Joe le taxi!
Come on, let's do this? Dad?
How are we going to watch the match tomorrow? I'm just going to sort it with Uncle Kevin.
Oh, I'm such a bad man! We really shouldn't be doing this.
Shut up, Kev!
Right, right, what do I do? Right, you double-click on that.
I'm exhausted. I need a break.
You've been playing for eight minutes!
Yeah, well, you... you take over then.
All right. Ooh!
That's four hours. Can I stop now?
Oh, how did you do?
Well, I won 100 quid.
Hey! Yeah, but then I lost that. No?
Yeah, then I went up to 200 quid. Then what?
Then I went up to 500 quid. Then I went back down to 35 quid.
Then I stopped to go to the toilet. Do you know it's frozen over?
What did you end up with?! I ended up with £200, so you can watch your match tomorrow now.
You play online poker again, I'll smash your face in.
Oh! Oh, yes! What time do you call this?
I couldn't get him home. I found them at the bus stop.
Dean was crouching on top of the bus shelter pretending to be an owl.
How did you do in the quiz?
I said I was going. I didn't join in. Shaggy did that on his own,
whilst I had a laugh with Emma and Lucy. Hang on!
So, basically, you've enjoyed a warm meal with your mates in the pub.
Anything I can do to help the family.
Hey, come on you - boiler!
Ho, ho, ho! Where are you going?
Boiler's that way. Go on!
Take him home! I'll get him in the car, shall I?
Step down. Now, Dean, listen here now. Eh, listen!
You are going to finish this, aren't you?
Yeah, yeah. Good.
As soon as Chloe goes out with me again.
Hey, listen to me, right! Listen here!
Nobody messes my daughter or my family around, all right?
Who are you, again?
Bin? Bin.
Ten quid says he's still in there in the morning.
Kevin, don't! Seriously. I feel bad enough already about making you gamble.
Oh, don't worry. It's cool. It's all under control.
The only reason I went to Gamblers Anonymous is cos I heard they get fit girls turning up.
Do they? Yes.
And you do get some great racing tips as well.
20 quid says you can't get me home in two minutes. You're on.
Help!
Oh, God!
To be honest, I just wanted to see what it was like to put somebody in a wheelie bin.
Oh! I shouldn't have let her go on that date though. It's just... It's bad parenting.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. You're a great dad.
And I am a...
Great mum! Yes, you are! YES, you are!
Oooi! At least we know it can't get any worse, eh?
Oooh!
It CAN get worse.
Oh, the head of HR wants to see me.
Yeah.
Maybe he shouldn't have called the Lady Mayor "babe".
And should he have said to a group of girl guides,
"Last one through the door's a tosser"?
No!
Although, when I was a guide, we swore so much they gave us a badge for it.
Look, he's actually a lovely man,
but maybe the job wasn't a perfect fit.
You lied to the company. You know what that means?
You'd never sack me, would you?
Snacks?
Beer?
No, Dad! We're trying to teach the kids you don't have to drink to have a good time.
What about that one?
No, that's Caroline's. Heating?
No, Dad. We like the cold.
Oh, so this won't end in tears!
Why don't they just have one team in Manchester, dressed in purple?
Hang on, that's cable TV. How come we got that back?
Oh, erm, Kevin paid for it to be reconnected.
How?
Sorry?
Oh... how?
He, erm... Kevin... Kevin won some money for me playing poker, so I spent it on this.
You actively encouraged Kevin to gamble? He's a sick man.
More to the point, why didn't you use the cash to buy a boiler?
We're sat here like Pingu just so you can watch the footie!
I didn't have enough for the boiler!
And, do you know what? I just thought we could watch it together
and bond like a proper family!
Pillock!
Well, you're no better, nearly getting me sacked.
I DID get sacked. What do you think that's done for my fragile ego?
Can you get me a job on reception?
Stop him talking!
I'm sorry, Caroline, but that's what happens when you treat women like men. We're different.
Women have got br...
Yeah, we know, granddad!
Well, you can make up for it by paying for our boiler.
All right, I will.
But there are conditions attached.
What conditions?
Come on! Don't be shy. Show your support.
Come on, City!
Ah! That's better.
See? Now you can really bond.
Oh, that's nice!
Oh!
Cheers, love.
It's all right this. What is it?
Cabbage cake.
Oh, doesn't it hurt when they head it?
Who's he? He's got well nice legs? Ssssh, love.
There's extreme, seven-card stud, horse poker on the other side if anyone's interested.
Ow!
I might just dance round the room naked for a bit.
Can you do it in the other room, please, love?
Hey, how many United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to change it and the other to drive him up from Bournemouth.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.