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Right. Let's just agree never to see another film about talking lizards.
The evening is still young. The kids are out. Let's do it in the only room in the house we haven't used.
Get in that toilet.
AAAAH! Oh, my...!
What are YOU doing?! Don't run after him! He's got a knife!
No, I haven't! It's just the light shining on his watch. Get out!
That's the boys' laptop! Kill him!
That's got my boy's Ancient Egypt project on that! Do you know how hard it was getting it?! All right!
Get over yourself, mate! Phone the police!
Ah, the bloody kids have taken the phone again!
What should I do with him? Lock him in the toilet? Good one!
Get in there! The lock's on the inside!
What a stupid place to put a lock. Wedge it!
Come on! Let me go! You should have thought of that before you put your Bart Simpson mask on!
It's Barbara Windsor!
Is it?! Don't do anything weird in there.
Me? You were going to have sex in here! Never mind about us!
What's the number?
"What's the number?"?! Didn't they change it from 999?
No!
Let's make a deal! You let me go and we'll split the gear.
Split the gear? It's our gear! Oh, yeah.
I know what it was - you can dial 112 now as well. European Union.
Shall I dial that, see if it works?
Shall we get on? Sorry.
Don't!
I was at school with you.
Dave Tandy.
The Tandyman?
Yeah!
Oh, we hated you!
What? Why?
I feel sorry for him now.
Maybe we should let him go! Yeah. That could have been you. You what?
You were wild, Liam. If I hadn't got pregnant and straightened you out...
Maybe you held me back! I could have been a nuclear physicist! Right, maybe not nuclear, but a physicist.
Vigilante fascists!
Come on! Dial 999 or whatever!
Hello. I need to report an intruder. Get in there! Get in there!
You can't put me in a cupboard! Watch me. Get in there. Get in.
Say what you want about the filth, but that was quick. Evening all! Don't let him see this!
You'll never guess what I'm holding. No, I'm not falling for that again.
It's a fish!
Dad, now's not a great time. Would the supermarket not cut it up?
No, I fished it! I'm not always great with people, but I do understand fish.
Oh!
I've dropped my cod.
You been celebrating then, Jim? So would you if you caught the fifth biggest cod ever in the northwest.
I've never been photographed by so many men in rubber boots.
I hope you didn't drive in that state. No, Kevin drove.
Your brother Kevin. Not Kevin Costner.
Well, thanks for clearing that up.
He went to the chippy for some chips. I think it was seeing the fish. He wanted the full set.
I must warn you, he's a bit jealous. It's a very ugly emotion.
This is like a really bad dream. Ohh...
Where is he?
Ah.
Dad, bye. Bye, Dad. Bye. Come on. OK, bye.
You don't seem very impressed.
Let me out!
Shut it! Make yourself useful. Clean the cupboard.
I'll give you money to let me go.
No!
You'll just carry on your despicable career of crime.
Hey, do you ever see Colin Ustey from school?
Oh, yeah. He's a postman now. He's totally bald. Don't chat to him!
It's probably him who burgled my auntie Lynn.
Oh, no, Chloe! Don't let her in. Tell her it's old people snogging.
Hi, Mum. Why's Grandad got a massive fish in a towel? I can't find a bag big enough. Hello. I don't know you.
Megan.
Right. Don't go in the kitchen. I'm giving your dad a massage on the table.
Eeew! Could you be any more gross? Well, they have their appetites. What can you do?
I'll probably hop on myself afterwards. Eeew!
Oh, I don't like the look of you.
Oh, I've got to talk to you about Dad. He cannot... Not a good time.
Your dad was so brave. He was a big bloke and your dad took him on.
Stop it, Caroline. I was just protecting my family.
So what did the police say? "What's that smell of fish?" Then they took the guy away.
Don't be so modest, Liam. They high-fived you. One gave him a hug.
Wow, Dad. Sometimes you've just got to fight violence with violence.
All due respect to Gandhi, he didn't live in Manchester during a recession.
You should have let him nick my Egypt project, though. It's really crap.
Hi. Megan slept over last night. Hope that's all right. Sure.
Her parents are getting divorced. Me mum's a cow and me dad's a pig.
Get yourself a chicken and you're halfway to a decent farm.
I can't believe you locked a burglar in a cupboard and didn't say. Friday night - a movie and a kidnapping!
I'd have let him go.
Well, we did think about that. That makes you like an oppressor. That's like true, actually.
So you've destroyed his life. Let's get breakfast.
You're what's wrong with this country.
All right, I'm going to lock HER in a cupboard!
Give Megan a chance. She's only a kid. You forgotten your mates?
Whatsisface who set fire to bins and ran around shouting, "Fire! Bin! Fire! Bin!"
Ah, Brendan. Very much misunderstood.
Fat Pete, stole shoes from bowling alleys. Also misunderstood. He's not even fat. Just got bad posture.
- You awright? - Hey, Uncle Kevin.
I've come to congratulate the have-a-go hero. I just did what I had to do using my God-given powers.
Good stuff, man. Proud of you. Cheers, Kev.
Shame I wasn't here. In Aikido I've learnt to subdue using the pressure points.
Isn't that Star Trek? Yes. I think that's where they got the idea from.
Why did you give up martial arts? I got scared of my own potency.
Yeah, I get that. Well, I'll just leave you two to discuss your super powers.
How's Captain Birdseye? Pretty bad. Sleeping it off. He spent all night toasting the fish.
Toasting it? Drinking to it.
Oh, right. I found him asleep with it on the sofa. Let's have a look.
Ah ha ha ha!
Send it to me. I'll put it in the blackmail file.
And your mum's all like, "Chloe, I'm the ballbreaker and he's the meathead
"and I'm giving him an erotic massage cos we invented sex."
No, they're all right, my mum and dad. You've got to screw with parents' heads or what's the point?
This nail varnish will not dry!
Oh, dear. OK, put her in a cupboard!
What happened to, "She's only a kid, give her a chance"?
We've just got to get to know her better. I was a handful at her age.
And look at you now.
I reckon you'll get an award from the police for catching the guy. Like a BAFTA. A POFTA!
It's not about that, Kev. ..Seriously, though, you reckon?
Right, I better get back and let Dad have a last go with his cod jokes.
You ARE jealous. I should be! I landed the thing. I reeled it in while he was seasick on his shoes.
Awww!
No, not "awww".
Have you ever tried to get sick out of shoes? He's a nightmare.
He's given you a room in his house with all your annoying habits. Sleep humming.
Yesterday, I was taking a shower... It's MY bathroom. Out you come!
I'm taking a shower!
Did you just use a credit card to open the bathroom door? Move it, sonny! Big Daddy is flossing.
Do I not have any rights? Yes. You have the right to remain silent, which I urge you to do.
It's like I don't exist.
What did you say?
Ah, yeah.
You all right, girls? Megan's just had a call from her parents. It's so grim. Oh, sorry.
My life's such a mess. My parents won't let me stay with either of them.
She's looked into being adopted. Well, good luck with that.
What?
I'm just saying, can you do that? If your parents are that bad.
You're so much nicer than my dad!
So is Goebbels by the sound of it!
Please, Dad! What? This is a big thing. Not like adopting that llama from Chester Zoo.
Hey, hey, hey. It's all right. I'll think about it, all right?
Ha! Told you, Chloe. Less than a minute to get an adult to adopt you.
You girls...
Let's kick 'em out right now! No, that'll make Chloe hate us.
We must destroy her! Before she destroys our daughter.
Hello? Mr Flynn? Yeah, that's me.
PC Clark. Yeah, come in. Love, it's the police! Put your spliff out!
She's not smoking a spliff. She was... No, I realise that.
- Morning, lads. Are you carrying a piece?
I'll give you a quid for a go with your Taser. In the room, boys.
Sorry, just... I've been given details of the incident yesterday. Yeah, it was all a bit crazy.
At one point we thought the burglar had a knife. Yeah. But it was just... Light shining on his watch.
I gather you shut him in a cupboard. Yes, under the sink. It has a lock from when Mikey ate washing powder.
Cos it looks like snow.
Yes. You may be charged with assault.
What? You what? For incarcerating the alleged intruder in inhumane conditions in a cupboard.
None of our cupboards are inhumane.
They locked me in there once! It weren't too bad.
No...
It was a bit of fun. I wasn't...
Anyway, what do you mean "alleged"? He intruded.
If he's an alleged intruder, you are an alleged policeman. Steady, love. Sorry.
His complaint is you used undue force. If I'd used any less force he'd have run off!
No doubt to the sound of you whooping and applauding. Dad says you fight violence with violence.
Hang on... He's very strong. He held me by my feet once and swung me round in the garden.
Until I hit my head on the shed.
It was an accident. So he'd make a good copper.
Go to your room, boys, eh? Look, Liam put his life on the line.
The burglar was wearing a Barbara Windsor mask. You have no idea how scary that is.
Barbara Windsor?
That's a right carry on.
I don't believe this. Anyway, I just wanted you to be aware
we've had a serious complaint which we shall be pursuing.
It's outrageous! What's the world coming to? I couldn't believe it.
You'll have to do something. I know. But first, and more importantly...
this is me... in Northwest Angler.
My cod! Hey! They should have used that.
No, they don't do fish puns. They're not funny after a while.
See you've already framed it, then. I've done half a dozen. That's yours.
Did it put up a struggle? Like Mum did?
Ah, yes. It was an epic battle of wits between man and fish...
especially as I was being seasick at the time and I'm guessing the fish wasn't.
Here you are - get that down your neck. That'll see you to Christmas.
Cheers, Dad!
Hiya, Jim. So you've heard about our problem?
Oh, yeah. In my day, you took justice into your own hands.
Coppers were there to see biddies across the road.
That's for your mum and dad.
Aw, thanks. They'll be thrilled. Yeah. Cod Almighty.
No, we're not doing fish puns. Oh, OK.
Although as I said on Stockport Community Radio today,
I was recently fishing and I saw this tortoise on the river bank topple in and drown.
Turtle disaster!
Dad, in your interviews with the world's media, could you mention that Kevin helped land the fish?
He did not! Kevin's feeling ignored.
This is your son Kevin, not Kevin Costner.
Look, if I show him any more love, he'll never leave home and then in ten years' time he'll hate me!
What kind of psychology is that?! Hello, who's this?
Hello, girls! It's our favourite daughter and her lovely friend. Let us know if you need anything.
Laters! Bye!
What in the name of crap were you doing? It was like human syrup!
Trying to get rid of the devil child in there. If we tell Chloe we hate her friend, she'll like her more.
Aye, I remember that. Leave it to me. I'll break her.
Thank you, the Teen Whisperer.
Mind you, you'd never have met Liam if you didn't like a bad crowd.
Will people stop saying that?! Oh, here's the Megan-star!
How do you get your hair like that, Megs? That's so... sick.
Hi, Grandad. All right, sweetheart?
I hear you're trouble.
Step out of line again, one phone call from me and you're in care.
Chloe's parents agree with me, but are too scared to say.
That's so mean!
Look, I-I'm sorry, love.
I'm not used to girls. I had three lads. If they got upset, they just went shoplifting.
Seriously, will you stop saying that? How can I cheer her up?
Give... me... some... thing.
Give her some of that fish! I don't want fish! Oh, all right...
Here you are. Buy something nice.
Oh...
Ha! Thanks, Grandad!
OK.
Lock her in the cupboard.
Caroline! I've just looked online. I could be in trouble.
Really? This bloke chained up a kid for stealing garden gnomes. Perfectly normal.
He got six month! Look, we'll work on our defence. Kids, food! Grandad's fish!
Summat smells odd.
What's that smell?
Fish.
Plus... anti-freeze.
You're right. Garlic... ginger...
And a splash of anti-freeze.
My dad's got some in the boot of his car. It must have spilled on the fish!
Kids, food! Baked beans!
Man...
Dad? Bad news.
You'll have to be quick. I bought 40 hours of fishing DVDs to watch.
Why? I'm a high-profile angler now. I need to know my stuff.
Dad, listen, did you carry the fish home in the boot of your car? Yeah. I'll lend you these later.
Total Carp.
Like it. Extreme fishing with some Geordie idiot.
That's not the actual title.
Dad, you've got anti-freeze all over the fish.
I was wondering why I was having trouble freezing it.
Hang on! You know who put it in the back of my car? Kevin, the little git!
Do you seriously think Kevin purposely dumped your celebrity fish in your anti-freeze?
You have no idea of the skullduggery. I once saw a man offer his girlfriend for a big turbot!
Dad, I'm going now. Listen, I'd talk to Kevin before he really hates you. Right?
Steve, you know when the police came round? You made me look like Attila the... Dad.
So next time we're going to dwell on our family's more positive qualities like... Yes!
No, like, um...
Like, like... It's hard, this, isn't it?
Cos it's a bloody outrage! I work hard, keep my nose clean and only stuck someone in the cupboard once!
Except when you did it to me. You liked it! You were being Harry Potter!
And I should have remembered you were in there. Sorry. If you go to prison, can I have your phone?
That's it, that's it. Get to your room! Think about what you just said. Go on!
I love saying that. It's not funny.
I mean, we've all nearly died of anti-freeze poisoning, our daughter is with the Junior Antichrist
and I might go to prison for making a citizen's arrest! We'll have to get in touch with Dave Tandy.
The Tandyman? Yeah.
How? Well, he's on Facebook. His profile picture is a mugshot.
Really? We'll tell him we'll get the burglary charges dropped if he lets us off the hook. All right.
Hey, Chloe. Where have you been?
Chill, Liam. What did you say?
Chill, Liam.
Why are you calling me that? Megan calls her parents by their first names. I like it.
It puts us on a more even footing. Who do you...?! Wait, Liam! I'll handle this.
Who do you think you are?! He is Dad, Daddy or Sir to you, silly girl!
Your beans are burning, Caroline.
It's your daughter.
Kevin, if I've ever come across as uncaring, then I'm...
You know.
My generation don't believe in showing affection.
Except to the Queen and pets.
Dad? Chloe, in here.
Sit down, please.
I want a word about Megan. Oh...! Look, we're not expecting anyone to be perfect.
Your dad was a pretty bad lad, you know.
Oh, yeah, I was. I killed people for fun.
But, you know, we learn from our mistakes.
Thanks, but I've done a list of mates of mine you've objected to.
Katie at Sunday school because she was a nit machine. She was.
Jack, Year Five, because he always had his hands down his trousers. Dirty sod.
Ali next door who taught me the F word, G word and the C word.
What's the G word?!
Look, funnily enough, because we love you, we'll always try to protect you from bad influences,
like Megan. I'm not seeing Megan any more!
Right, then. Well, thank you for listening.
No, it wasn't you. She was just really, really rude about my new earrings.
Right, then.
Hello, David. Tandyman.
Hi.
Come in.
I've got a rug like that. Probably nicked it off her Auntie Lynn.
It's all right. It's in the past, you know.
Look, I'm sorry. What I did was really out of character.
Are you sure? You've got previous.
What? Handling a stolen fence?
No, no...
No, it means he was a fence.
Someone who handles stolen goods.
No, she's right. I did handle a stolen fence.
Right.
But that was way back. I've been legal. It was seeing your open window that did it.
Oh, really? And you just had a Barbara Windsor mask? Yeah. For an EastEnders fancy dress party.
It's me! All right? I need to borrow this.
He screams at me for a harmless fish-based prank. Well, he can suck on this, so-called Big Daddy.
I don't blame you for not trusting me, but I've told the police you were just defending your house.
Thank you. Yeah, thank you.
Well, I won't keep you from your family. Oh, please do. They're all on the naughty step.
Yeah, we've got a naughty staircase!
Thank you.
Listen, I know what it's like when you can't escape your past.
So... good luck, eh?
Cheers, Liam. All right.
I've come to get me stuff. It's in the kitchen.
I'm sorry you're having trouble with your parents, Megan. What?
Oh, no. Bob and Dawn are cool. I was just mucking about.
You're not very bright, are you?
You what? I heard when you were my age you were a right thug.
Your new mate has just done you again. He just walked off with your laptop. Stop trying to wind us up.
It won't work any more.
I don't believe it! He's nicked it!
Make us a sandwich, would you?
Found it in a bush.
Where's Megan?
I have no idea.
Let me out!
A cup of tea?
Like your style.
Let me out!
Seriously, if there's one thing more depressing than sitting on a muddy river bank holding a pole
it's... Watching a TV programme about someone else doing it!
You're missing the poetry of it. It's very calming.
"And he's landed him.
"Just look at the size of that tench."
- He should use dynamite. - Yeah!
Got any Fishing With Dynamite DVDs? No, I haven't!
Oh, Chloe, have I told you the story about how I caught my big dish?
Yeah, I'm all right, thanks.
I can give you the shorter version. I'm all right, thanks.
That'll be the police to arrest us over Megan!
- It's me - toilet! - They call me Cupboard at school!
Do you know, the weird thing is Megan left that cupboard really clean and tidy.
I decided I quite like her. Have you got the new Northwest Angler, Dad?
I only buy it if I'm on the front page. You should get it today, then!
Yeah, thanks!
Two weeks running on the front page. Probably a record.
Oh, I don't want to carp, but are you two going to kiss and hake up?
Oh, you've only gone and done it! Eel apologise when he's ready!
Not until he stops being shellfish.
I'll mullet over!
'Ere you are. 'Ere you are.
Whale be very grateful!
I'll think of a better one in a minute.
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