"Desert Island"
Lucy? Yeah?
Fred just told me that he and Ricky are gonna judge
a bathing beauty contest this afternoon.
I know.
How are we gonna stop them?
We're not. We're gonna let them do it.
Honey, you've been in Florida too long.
Your poor little brain is sunburned.
Not at all, Ethel, not at all.
I just decided that for once,
I'm was going to let Ricky do what he wants to.
When he told me about the contest
I said, "Go ahead and do it, dear."
You said that?
Yes. This is the new, understanding me.
Oh, dear, this is quite a blow.
I was counting heavily
on the old, conniving you.
That's all over, Ethel.
Look, what possible harm could there be in them
judging a beauty contest?
Are you kidding?
Well, they sit out on the beach and ogle the girls, anyway.
This way, I-I-I figure it's supervised ogling.
Well, I don't like it.
And anyway, how can they judge
a bathing beauty contest?
I thought we were going
for a boat ride this afternoon.
There'll be plenty of time for that.
The contest doesn't start until 5:00.
Hey, where's Ricky?
They want us down at the pool to take pictures
with some of the girls in the contest.
Well, uh, Ricky's in the manager's office.
Okay, I'll Rick pick up in the lobby.
I mean, I'll pick Rick up in the robby.
Oh, you know what I mean.
Yeah, we know what you mean.
What is he...? Hey, Rick, they want us
I'm going to be in a movie that they're going to make down here.
That's great. Come on, Rick. The girls are waiting.
RICKY: Yeah. What kind of a movie?
Well, it's a documentary about Florida.
It's the whole history of Florida from the early days
of Ponce de Leon until the present days.
Come on, will you, Rick?
Well, honey, how do you fit into that?
Well, I'm gonna be part of the present days.
Me and the band are gonna be
playing right here, at the Eden Roc Hotel.
Come on, will you? LUCY: Oh, for heaven's sake.
The bathing beauties are waiting for us.
Will you look at the old goat?
He's practically pawing the ground.
Oh, never mind, Ethel.
I'll be right with you, Fred. I just want to comb my hair.
Hey, Rick, can I borrow some of that fancy
eau de cologne of yours?
RICKY: Sure.
FRED: Thanks.
Eau de cologne, yet!
He hasn't used eau de cologne
since Lillian Russell came to town.
Hello.
Yes?
We're looking for Mr. Ricky Ricardo.
Oh?
And Mr. Mertz.
Oh?
We're supposed to have
publicity pictures taken with them.
Yes, down by the pool.
Are they in?
Well, um...
No, they're not.
Dear! Well, didn't they know about the pictures?
Uh, yes, they knew about them. But they had to go out.
And there's no telling when they'll be back.
Uh, sometimes when they leave like this, they don't come back
for hours, days.
Weeks.
Months.
So if I were you,
I-I'd find somebody else to take pictures with.
Oh, welcome home, dear.
Huh?
WOMAN: Mr. Ricardo?
Yes?
I'm Joi Lansing.
And this is Jill Jarmyn.
Oh, well, hello.
Glad to know you, girls.
How are you? This is Mr. Mertz.
Well, how do you do?
JILL: Joi!
He's a regular little kewpie doll, he is.
We're supposed to have our pictures
taken with you down by the pool.
In fact, the photographer's waiting for us right now.
RICKY: Well, we were just on our way down.
I'll just grab some cigarettes, and we'll go.
I was so thrilled when I heard you were going to be
one of the judges, Mr. Ricardo.
Oh! I just adore Cuban music.
RICKY: Thank you. Thank you.
Me, too. I must have seen your show
in the casino a hundred times.
Well, isn't that nice?
I get such a boot out of it
every time you sing "Babalu."
RICKY (chuckling): Well, thank you very much.
Shall we go, Fred?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.
Bye.
Tell me, Mr. Ricardo,
is your accent real?
RICKY: Oh, yes, yes.
(door closing)
Well, that was a nauseating scene.
(imitating Joi): "Tell me, Mr. Ricardo,
is your accent real?"
(imitating Jill): "Oh, Joi, look.
He's a regular little kewpie doll, he is."
"I get such a boot out of it
when you sing 'Babalu.'"
I'd sure like to give her a boot.
And did the boys love it.
Did you see Fred's eyes pop out?
How about Ricky's eyes?
His nose looked like
it was balancing two Ping-Pong balls.
Hey, what's happened
to that understanding attitude?
Where is the new you?
When I saw those two mincing mermaids,
the old me came right out of retirement.
Oh, boy, it's good to have you back.
Now, let me see.
How can we keep them
from judging that contest?
Yeah, what awful thing are we going to do?
I don't know yet, but I got a hunch
it's going to be a dilly.
ETHEL: Lucy?
Yeah. I got here as fast as I could.
Oh, help me, huh? Okay.
Ooh... (sighs)
Now, what's your plan?
Well, I told the boatman to only give us a half a tank of gas.
Half a tank?
Yeah, so when we get out in the middle of the ocean,
the motor will suddenly go...
(sputtering) ...and stop.
We'll run out of gas?
Yeah. That's my plan
for keeping the boys from judging the contest.
Oh, boy, that is a dilly.
That's a double dilly.
Does your plan also include a way
to get back to civilization,
or do we just float around
in the Atlantic Ocean forever?
Ethel, how many times have I ever let you down?
Well, uh...
Never mind.
Now, when we're sure
that they've missed the contest,
I suddenly discover this...
and pour it in the tank.
The boat runs on lemonade?
This is filled with gasoline...
and this thermos is filled with lemonade.
And this is filled with sawdust.
Listen, do you want to keep Fred from
judging that contest, or don't you?
Oh, yes, I do. Well, all right!
I know he's an old goat,
but an old goat's better than no goat at all.
Honey, I want to get some suntan oil before we go.
There's a little shop down there at the end of the pier.
Want to go? Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Hey, girls, where are you going?
LUCY: Gonna get some suntan oil!
We'll be right back.
Well, hurry up! Yeah.
Daddy? Yeah, son.
Is this the boat we're going on?
Yeah, that's it. Isn't she a beauty?
Hold him, Uncle Fred. All right, I'll watch him.
Here you go. There we go.
Give me a hand. Come on, Uncle Fred.
All right, thank you.
Well, as long as we got a little time
I'll 'splain a few more things
to you about boats.
I'm a landlubber.
'Splain to me, too.
All right.
Now, over there, see, in the front--
that's called the bow.
And back here is called the stern.
So, that's the bow and the stern.
The bow and the stern.
That's right. Say!
You're a regular skipper already.
This cruise-along is a dandy little boat, Rick.
Daddy? Yeah?
I'm thirsty. You're thirsty?
Well, your mommy said she was gonna bring some lemonade.
Is there any lemonade in front there, Fred?
Hey, I found a jug.
See if there's any cups in there, would you?
He's thirsty.
All right, here we are.
Now, Little Ricky,
the right side of the boat
is called the starboard side.
Remember that now.
The right side... Hey, hey.
This smells like gasoline.
It does?
It's supposed to be lemonade.
Well, if it's lemonade,
it's made from high-octane lemons.
Hey, you're right.
Yeah.
Is there another thermos up front there?
Well, I'll look again.
Yeah, here's another.
Well, that must be the lemonade.
Why do you suppose they put gasoline in a thermos jug?
Well, I don't know, but it's a very dangerous place
to keep gasoline. Well, that's just...
You should only carry gasoline
in a safety can. Yeah.
I'll take it out of here
and leave it on the pier someplace.
Here you are, Little Rick.
You try that.
There. That all right?
Yeah, Uncle Fred.
Well, I wonder what's keeping the girls.
Come on... Oh, here they come.
Come on, girls! Come on!
ETHEL: Here we are.
All right. LUCY: Hi.
Hi, hi, hi.
Oh, boy isn't this gonna be great?
Having much fun today, sweetheart?
Hi, lovey!
Sitting on a nice boat,
going out in the ocean, huh?
And a nice day for it, too. Beautiful day, isn't it?
Here. Watch this rope, huh?
Here, I'll take it, honey. Over back there.
Watch it. Okay.
All right. Ooh, it's wet.
There we go.
Now, look at this.
Here we go! (motor revving)
Having a good time, honey?
Oh, just wonderful.
We love it.
How about you, honeybunch?
Oh, Fred, this is marvelous.
He's been looking at his watch all afternoon.
Fred, will you forget about that beauty contest?
Huh? That's the farthest thing from my mind.
Say, maybe it is time for us to be heading home.
What time is it, Fred?
It's, uh, half past bathing beauty...
Uh... I mean, half past 3:00.
(engine sputtering)
(engine not starting)
Uh-oh.
(engine still won't start)
What's the matter, Rick? What's the matter?
I don't know. The motor just stopped.
Well, do something, will you?
We haven't got much time.
Oh, what an awful thing to have happen.
What are we gonna do now, dear?
We'll have to take a look at the engine.
RICKY: I can't understand it.
I checked every part of that motor,
and I can't find a darn thing wrong with it.
Well, you got to find something wrong, Rick.
We only got about five minutes.
Oh, forget it. We couldn't make it now, anyway.
Besides, we got a bigger problem.
If we don't get
this thing started,
we'll just keep drifting
further and further out to sea.
Oh, are you sure you're too late for the contest, dear?
I'm positive.
We can't make it by now.
Oh, what a shame.
Yeah.
Look, honey, I-I don't know anything about motors,
but, uh, maybe we're out of gas.
Out of gas?!
Don't be ridiculous.
Well, now, Rick, it wouldn't hurt
just to look and see, would it?
All right, if it'll make you happy, I'll look and see.
I've been on boats all my life.
Since I was younger than Little Ricky, I been on boats.
I know that these boats don't run out of gas
in an hour and 15 minutes.
Let me see... (hollow banging)
(hollow thumping)
You're right.
We're out of gas.
Oh, no! Now what are we supposed to do?
Thumb a ride on a passing halibut?
Well, now, let's not lose our heads.
I seem to remember hearing somewhere
that they always keep extra gasoline on these boats,
you know, just for emergencies like this.
Here, let me... help me down, honey, and I'll...
I'll just take a look around, yeah. Take a look around, honey.
See if you can find anything like that, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I-I read it someplace...
(gasps) My! I know I have.
Oh, well, now!
Look what I found.
That's lemonade.
Ooh, I must have the wrong one.
Where's that thermos of gasoline?
Ricky left it on the dock.
Left it on the dock? Yes!
Oh, for heaven's sake, Why would you do a...?
How did you know
that the gasoline was in the thermos?
Uh, uh, well, uh...
I'm waiting. Tell me the story.
Yeah, Mommy. Tell us a story.
A story?
Well, all right, dear. Once upon a time
there were these three bears--
the mama bear, papa bear...
RICKY: Lucy! Lucy bear...!
Lucy!
Well, now, we only did it
because we love you and Fred so much.
Didn't we, Ethel?
Uh... Y-Yes. That's why we did it.
That's why. Did-did what?
Yeah. Did what?
Well, uh... uh... uh...
Told the man that I only needed a half a tank of gas
and then brought the extra gasoline along in a thermos
so that when we were sure that it was
too late for you to go to the contest...
and I think I'll try swimming ashore.
Of all the miserable things to do.
If I were the captain of this tub, I'd make her walk the plank.
Mommy, what's that?
LUCY: What's what?
Over there.
LUCY: Look! It's an island!
RICKY: Yeah.
Maybe we can drift close enough so we can wade ashore.
Yeah. We can wade ashore.
Oh, what good would that do?
We'd still be out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Well, it's better than being adrift.
Yeah, it's better than being adrift.
Maybe someone would come by eventually and rescue us.
Somebody'd come by and rescue us... eventually.
You see, gang, everything's turning out all right.
Isn't it, Ricky?
Isn't it, Fred?
Ethel?
Little Ricky?
I think I'll go below and put myself in irons.
(grunts)
Whoo!
Oh, boy.
Whoo!
Hey, I wonder if anybody lives on this island.
I doubt it.
Well, let's find out. Call out, Ricky.
Hello there!
Try it in Spanish.
Huh?
This might be part of Cuba.
Oh!
RICKY: Hey, they got some cacanuts here.
LUCY: Cacanuts?
Oh, yeah.
There are a lot of cacanuts.
Well, it looks like
we got the whole island to ourselves.
How do you like that? Marooned on a desert island
and it's got to be with, uh...
Fred,
you'd better be nice to me.
We may be here so long that I'll start looking good to you.
Hey!
Look at this.
RICKY: What?
Huge footprints in the sand.
So?
So this island might be inhabited.
Inhabited by whom?
Well, from the looks of these footprints,
giant natives.
(sarcastically): Giant natives.
No kidding. Look at these.
Oh, boy. He must be a big one.
Now, if I follow them,
maybe I'll be able to track him down
and find out...
Well, it could have been a giant native.
(engine approaching)
Hey! That's a speedboat!
Oh... hey, Mister! (whistling)
(shouting) Hey!
Hey! Mister, we're over here!
Hey! This way! Hey!
Hey, fellas! RICKY: Hey!
Come back! (whistling)
How do you like that?
All he did was wave back.
Yeah.
Well, at least he was friendly.
Listen, Fred,
maybe you and I should go out
and see what's on the other side of this island.
All right. Want to go out with us, Ricky?
Sure. Come on, let's go explore.
You stay here and see. Maybe some boats go by,
and maybe you can get their attention.
All right.
Oh, boy, this heat is killing me.
You're either hot or you're hungry.
You're always complaining about something.
Well, that's because when I'm around you,
I always have something to complain about.
Well!
How do you like this?
Stranded on a desert island.
You know, sometimes Lucy goes too far.
Well, there's one good thing about her.
What's that?
She makes me glad I'm married to Ethel.
It don't do me any good.
See if I can find anything around here.
It's the ocean on the other side.
Hey!
What's the matter?
There's someone in there.
Who is it?
It looks like a giant native.
Boy, you've been married to Lucy too long.
You come and look.
You stay here, Little Ricky.
Good night, nurse! You hold them off, Rick.
I'll take Little Ricky and make a run for it.
Now, wait a minute, Fred.
"Wait" nothing. It's uncles and little children first.
Now, there's got to be an explanation.
There's no natives on these islands.
Well, you tell him that while he's shrinking your head.
Now, Fred, I went to high school here...
He's right back of you now.
Hello.
Good-bye.
Hey, what's the matter with you guys?
Huh?
Aren't you Ricky Ricardo?
Yeah.
Well, I guess you don't recognize me
under all the makeup.
I'm Claude Akins.
Claude Akins? Yeah. The actor?
Yeah.
Well, goodness sakes. How are you, Claude?
Good to see you. How are you?
Oh, this is Fred Mertz. Hi, Claude.
Hi. How are you? Nice to see you. Glad to see you.
This is my son. This is Little Ricky.
Well, hi, Rick.
You know, I made a picture with Claude out in Hollywood.
Yeah.
What are you doing in Miami?
Well, I'm playing a native
in a picture called The Florida Story.
We're shooting the scene where Ponce de Leon landed in Florida.
I'm in the same picture.
Really? Yeah, in the present day.
You mean, there's a whole movie company here?
Sure, right over there.
Oh, for goodness sakes. (chuckles)
You're here making the picture, too, huh?
No, no. I-I... We ran out of gas.
We were taking a boat ride, and we run out of gas.
Oh.
You think we could borrow some gas from those fellows?
Oh, I'm sure you can get some
from one of the skippers who brought us out.
Boy, are we lucky we run into him, huh?
You had us plenty scared a minute ago.
Yeah. We thought you were the giant native
Mommy was talking about. Oh.
We thought you were a giant native. (chuckles)
Yeah.
Hey.
I've got an idea.
You got a little time on your hands?
Sure. Why?
Well, our wives are on the other side of the island, see?
And we got a little score to settle with them.
So if you could do us the favor of
coming over there...
Gee, I wonder what's keeping the boys.
I don't know, but after what you did to them,
I wouldn't blame them if they never came back.
Well, at least we accomplished our purpose--
we kept them from the contest.
You got to give me credit for that.
Listen, one credit hardly balances 15 years of debits.
Sheesh! There's just no talking to you today.
Oh, I must look a mess by now.
Ethel...
Ethel, your nose is shiny.
Why don't you look in the mirror?
"Ethel, your nose is shiny."
"Ethel, you got big feet."
"Ethel, you're always hungry."
What is this, "Pick On Ethel Mertz Week"?
Ethel, please powder your nose.
Oh, powder your own nose.
Ethel, I don't blame you for being mad,
but there's a huge, ferocious-looking native
standing right behind us.
You never give up, do you?
Ethel, please, look behind you
and see if you see what I see.
Please?
(yelling) (screaming)
(speaking made-up language)
Ho tasho! Ho tasho!
He's trying to tell us something.
Maybe I'd better talk to him.
Well... uh... d-d-do you think
you can understand his language?
If I can understand Ricky, I can understand anybody.
Uh...
uh...
hello...
uh, us friends.
What you want?
(yelling) (screaming)
(muttering) Oo-ta-goo-gah.
You go village.
Oh, thank you very much,
but we don't want to go village.
You go village.
Big chief have dinner.
Hey, Lucy, he's friendly.
He wants us to have dinner.
Have dinner?
He wants us to be dinner.
Oh!
You! (screaming)
(speaking made-up language)
Lucy! Lucy!
Oh! Me go village.
You get help.
Fred! Ricky! Hurry up! Oh, Rick!
RICKY: What's the matter? What's the matter?
Oh, Rick, look at that savage. He's going to carry Lucy away.
Ricky! Ricky, save me!
(yells)
Well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you gonna save me?
I'm trying to decide.
Ricky!
Hey, you, stop!
ETHEL: Attaboy, Fred!
You forgot one.
(Ricky and Fred laughing)
ETHEL: What's so funny?
What are you laughing at?
What's going on?
It's a joke, Mommy. It's a joke.
A joke? (laughter continues)
Well, some joke.
This is Claude Akins. He's an actor.
They're making a picture
on the other side of the island.
I hope I didn't hurt you too much, Mrs. Ricardo.
You didn't hurt me, but you scared the daylights out of me.
(Ricky cackles) Oh, what a dirty trick.
What are you talking about? You started the whole thing.
Hey, you better go and borrow that gas,
if we're going to get out of here.
RICKY: Yeah. Hey, listen.
Why don't you all stick around?
As soon as we're through shooting, the whole cast
and crew are going to have a beach party, a kind of a luau.
You're all invited.
A luau? Well, I'd like that.
Yeah. LUCY: How 'bout it?
That's my favorite food. LUCY: Yeah.
Wonderful.
You see, honey? I told you everything
was going to turn out all right.
Yeah!
We've been looking all over for you.
The luau's about to start. Oh!
Why, Mr. Ricardo and Mr. Mertz.
What are you all doing here?
Well, our boat ran out of gas.
What are you doing here?
Yeah.
Yeah. What are you all doing here?
Well, they needed some more girls for the picture,
so they brought us all out here.
Well, what happened to the contest?
Why, that's been postponed till tomorrow.
Come on, everybody. Let's go to the luau.
You want to come with me? (chuckles)
Come on, Mr. Mertz. Here we go.
Come on, Ricky. Yeah!
Hey, you were right.
Everything worked out real fine.
ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy," starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,
has been presented for your pleasure by Instant Sanka,
the hearty coffee you can drink as strong as you like.
It still can't upset your nerves.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same time.