Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching...
With a man I didn't believe existed, but now I do...
Wayne Brady...
The Paul bunyan of improv... Brad Sherwood...
Don't call him "Magnum"... it's Jonathan Mangum...
And the one they call Colin Mochrie... Colin Mochrie.
Now here's your host... Fred Willard!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. Support Us and Donate.
Hi, and welcome to the show.
Tonight we'll be looking at highlights
from the remarkable life of our special guest,
and at various points,
I'll ask our four improvisers to act out what they've just heard.
They, of course, have no idea
what the guest is going to tell us, so they'll be all ears.
So let's meet the man who is trusting us with his life.
He's been an entrepreneur since he was a boy,
the outspoken owner of the Dallas Mavericks,
and he is one of America's richest men.
Please welcome Mark Cuban.
Thanks for being on the show, Mark.
Wow.
I-I...
Thanks so much for being here.
There was a bit of a misunderstanding.
You thought we wanted you to buy the show.
No, they just said, "come by. We'd love you to come by."
- But, Mark, thanks for being on the show. - My pleasure.
I think you're gonna have a lot of fun. Let's get going.
Is it true that you were once a bouncer?
Yes.
Wow. Uh, where was this?
This was in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Now that's a tough town.
I mean, it got crazy sometimes. Um, probably the craziest moment
was I had this... this guy who was a little bit off
come up to me and literally pull a switchblade on me...
Uh-huh.
Which was not fun, obviously,
but you have to stand up to these guys...
- Yeah. - So I was... I was standing up to him,
So thinking he was being a hard-ass...
- Boom, puts... goes to put the switchblade away... - Uh-huh.
- But had it turned the wrong way. - Uh-huh.
Blood everywhere, starts flicking it on me,
flicking it all over the place, and so...
That was probably the worst... my worst moment as a bouncer.
And d... how'd it end? Did he get, uh, carted off and, uh...
No, actually, he left and came back
and pulled a gun on me.
- That's what I was gonna say, yeah. - Yeah, but the good news was,
- by then, I'd already told the police about him. - Uh-huh.
And so the police were right down the street, and they came,
and then he got carted away. But the good memory...
not so much good memory... but the memory is there's still
- a pool of blood, or little stains of blood right there... - Uh-huh.
- So when I go back home to Pittsburgh... - Uh-huh.
I can go visit that memory right there.
Let's see if we can match the drama of that situation now.
Uh, this is a scene for all of our performers,
starting with Wayne and Jonathan.
I'd like you to play this as a forward rewind scene.
Uh, this means that at certain points, we'll hear a sound that
will instruct the performers to rewind from they're at,
and then, uh, also, to forward the action.
Let's hear those sounds.
Rewind!
"Rewind," which means rewind. Forward...
Forward!
There you go.
Now I'd like to see Wayne play Mark as a bouncer at a bar.
Jonathan, I'd like you to be a flirtatious girl who... who is
stopped and frisked by Mark as she goes into the bar.
Colin, you are the drunk man who threatens Mark,
and, Brad, you're the policeman who arrives to arrest the drunk.
Take it away.
This looks like the bar.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh.
- Sorry, lady... - Rewind!
I'm sorry, lady.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Forward! - This looks like the bar. This looks like the bar.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh.
Sorry, lady. Hands up.
All right.
Thank you.
I'm Mark.
I'm Johuinqua.
Ooh. Must be French.
It is.
Get out of the way!
Aah!
Hey!
Ohh!
Aah!
Rewind!
Oh!
Get out of the way!
- Aah! - Forward!
It is. It is.
- Aah! - Get out of the way!
- Oh! - Aah!
What seems to be going on here?
This guy.
What's with all the blood?
Ah!
Rewind!
What's with all the blood?
This guy.
What seems to be going on here?
Forward!
What seems to be going on here?
This guy.
Ah!
Rewind all the way to the beginning.
What's with all the blood?
This guy.
What seems to be going on here?
Get out of the way!
Aah!
It is.
That must be French.
I'm... Johuinqua.
I'm Mark.
- Hi. - Hey.
Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This must be the place.
Whoo!
Perfect.
Okay, that's great. So moving on,
after college, you ended up sharing an apartment
with five other guys in Dallas.
Uh, there must have been a lot of girls
in and out of that place all the time. Is that true?
That's true. There were some crazy moments.
- Yeah. - Um, but you got to understand,
s-some of my roommates, they weren't quite worldly...
- Uh-huh. - Um, and so they...
Their style was a little bit different than mine, but...
Anyway, so one night I got in early,
and I'm passed out in bed, and all of a sudden,
I hear these three guys, three of my roommates,
just screaming, going, "I can't believe it! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God." - Uh-huh.
Turns out, these three guys, kind of hick kind of guys
from Indiana, my buddies, um, they went out thinking
they had picked up these three hot women, and, um...
Ohh!
They weren't what they were expecting,
But the best part was,
- after hearing, "Oh, my God. It's a guy"... - Uh-huh.
Hear one of the other guys go, "Oh, my God. Don't stop."
That's a scene we'd love to see recreated.
This will be for all of our performers,
starting with Colin and Brad.
Colin, you'll play, uh, Mark,
and, Brad, you are his corn-bred, or as you call him,
uh, hick roommate, getting ready to entertain.
After a while,
two girls played by Wayne and Jonathan arrive at the door.
However, to make sure we have the scene right,
we're gonna ask Mark
to help the performers by using this bell...
And... a horn.
So if the scene goes pretty much as your remember,
give a little ring with the bell. That's right.
If you don't like the way it's going, give us the horn.
All right. Take it away.
I say, Mark,
I can't wait to meet these lovely ladies.
I can't wait
to meet these girls, Mark.
Just calm down! Calm down!
You gotta be cool!
I'm wearing my favorite cologne... corn!
All right, be cool! Be cool.
Whatever you do, act like me,
'cause I know what to do with the women.
Ding-dong.
- Ding-dong, somebody. - Why don't you get the door?
One of has a ding-dong.
Howdy!
Hey, y'all!
Hola, Papi. Good to see both of you.
Hello. Please come in. Please.
Hi. My name is Carmelita, and this is Señorita Sengei.
Ay, yi yi!
Uh, here.
I like the girl with the bumpy neck.
Pardon me, Papis. You guys mind if I use your restroom?
No, please do.
Okay.
Hi.
No!
Well, I'll take both of 'em.
So...
Okay, we'll see you after the break for more stories
from my wonderful guest, Mark Cuban,
on "Trust Us With Your Life."
Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life"
with billionaire businessman Mark Cuban.
Uh, let's a look at a turning point in your life.
You sold your first software company,
making you a millionaire at the age of... 29? Am I correct?
- Yeah. Uh-huh. - That's... that's pretty good.
And then you moved to Hollywood.
What was your life like in Hollywood?
A millionaire living in Hollywood, 29 years old.
It was fun.
Okay.
What happened?
I did everything I dreamed of.
Um, I got a house on the beach...
- Mm-hmm. - Um, started taking acting classes...
- Ah. - Had two really attractive flight attendants
move in as my roommates.
Um, you know, and that was... that was the start,
and it just got better from there.
Uh, s this a movie you saw?
No, this is for real.
All right, let's... let's, uh...
some scenes just cry out to be performed, uh, don't they?
Let's do that now with all of our improvisers,
starting with Colin and Wayne.
And, Mark, how would you like to jump into this, play yourself?
- Would you like to see Mark Cuban on the stage? - Sure. Yeah!
All right. We'll start with Mark and Wayne.
Mark will play himself,
uh, living with a female flight attendant with acting ambitions,
- played by Wayne. - Yep.
They're joined by Jonathan, who will play Mark's acting coach.
However, Mark's voice will be provided by Colin,
and Jonathan's voice will be provided by Brad.
So off we go.
Oh, isn't it a beautiful day, my sweet?
It's an amazing day.
Mark, do you want to rehearse that scene?
- Absolutely. Let me get the bananas and cream. - Okay.
Okay. Ready?
I'm ready.
"Mark. Mark, no, please do not go."
"Olympia!
"The very sight of you does fill my body with such a desire,
I could rip off my clothes right now!"
Mark, crap!
That's crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
What do you mean, "crap"? I gave my all there.
Couldn't you see the emotions bubbling through me?
Yes, I can see the emotions, but you need to learn from me.
As doogie howser, I play a doctor.
Now for the passion to really exist in this scene,
you need to start the scene with a passionate kiss.
Yes. So...
Now...
Mark.
Mark, you're gonna have to...
Go on. Get in there.
If you want to be in show business...
Oh.
This so reminds me of something I went through in college.
Sorry. They made me.
Great...
Great job and a narrow escape, Mark. Good acting there.
Right now we come to a special part of the show,
called face the music.
To help us with this, please welcome our guest performer,
David Armand.
Whoo-woo-woo-woo- woo-woo-woo-woo!
Now Mark, uh, the way this, the way this works is that
we'll play a popular song that has relevance, uh, to you,
and David will illustrate the song and the lyrics
through mime.
However, you will be wearing noise-cancelling headphones
right there, so if you want to put them on...
You'll have to guess the song purely from David's pantomime.
So put on your headphones.
Can you hear anything?
Okay. Are you ready, David?
Yes.
Start the music, and off we go.
♪ I've paid my dues ♪
♪ time after time ♪
♪ I've done my sentence ♪
♪ but committed no crime ♪
♪ and bad mistakes ♪
♪ I've made a few ♪
♪ I've had my share of sand kicked in my face ♪
♪ but I've come through ♪
♪ and we mean to go on and on and on and on ♪
♪ we are the champions ♪
♪ my friends ♪
♪ and we'll keep on fighting ♪
♪ till the end ♪
♪ we are the champions ♪
♪ no time for losers ♪
♪ 'cause we are the champions ♪
♪ of the world ♪
♪ I've taken my bows ♪
♪ And my curtain calls ♪
♪ you brought me fame and fortune ♪
♪ and everything that goes with it ♪
♪ I thank you all ♪
♪ but it's been no bed of roses ♪
♪ no pleasure cruise ♪
♪ I consider it a challenge before the whole human race ♪
♪ and I ain't gonna lose ♪
♪ I will need to go on and on and on and on ♪
♪ we are the champions ♪
♪ my friends ♪
♪ and we'll keep on fighting ♪
♪ till the end ♪
♪ we are the champions ♪
♪ no time for losers ♪
- ♪ 'cause we are the champions ♪ - Oh, I got it. ♪ champions ♪
♪ of the world ♪
I think you got it.
You said you got it. What was it?
"We are the champions"?
Yes, it is.
- Whoo! - "We are the champions."
David Armand, ladies and gentlemen.
And so why do you think we chose that particular song for you?
You know, maybe 'cause
the Dallas Mavericks are the NBA champs...
of 2011.
'11, that's right.
Yeah, that's right.
Time for a break now, so join us soon
for more from the life of my special guest, Mark Cuban,
on "Trust Us With Your Life."
Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life"
with our guest Mark Cuban.
So tell us about the... the Dallas Mavericks
and... and why you get so hugely passionate about them.
You know, I'm just a huge basketball fan.
I've got, you know, I just really get into it.
I'm intense, um,
I like to win, I'm competitive, and I just go after it.
Do you get bad-tempered sometimes?
You're very protective of your players, aren't you?
Yeah, I get... I'm protective of the players, um, I'm emotional.
I-I tend to get mad during games sometimes.
If... if something doesn't go the... the mavs' way,
I-I can get a little bit mean and a little bit angry.
And you don't mind getting fined, do you?
- No, I... - How much have you gotten fined?
I've gotten in trouble with the NBA.
I've gotten fined almost $2 million.
Wow, all right.
But you know, I pay the money, but I also match, um,
however amount, whatever amount I'm fined, I match that amount
- and pay it to charity, so I pick a charity... - That's terrific.
Wow.
I think we should see a tribute
to Mark's ownership of the Mavericks,
and I'd like to ask Wayne, Jonathan, and Colin
to head off to a special area of the set to do a sideways scene.
The special thing about this scene
is that they'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat,
and we'll relay the pictures to the audience on the screen.
I may also throw in some different styles
for them to act in. Now the scenario is...
Oh, that's cool. That's very cool.
They're lying down.
They appear to be standing.
The scenario is Jonathan is a Mavericks basketball player...
Who's been fouled by Wayne, his defender.
Uh, Colin, you are playing Mark,
who runs onto the court to defend his player.
Are you guys ready?
Stand up, lay down, take it away.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh... oh.
Boof.
Oh!
You cannot beat me.
Oh, yeah? We're the mav...
- Ohh! - No!
Ohh!
Whoa. Whoa. Oh.
That is phenomenal.
Aah...
That's outrageous!
No! No! No! No!
I tried my best!
Out of the way.
- Ohh! - Oh, no!
- Ohh! - I can't believe what you done!
- Aah! - Do not follow my player!
Okay! Okay!
- Do not follow my player! - Okay!
Oh, my goodness.
- Aah! - Oh, God! You're gonna hurt him!
I don't care! I don't care!
$1 million! $2 million! I don't care! Fine me!
You're out of control...
Okay. Carry on this in the form of "Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter."
He's lost his mind!
Spectorialis,
Basketballonius.
Poof!
Oof!
You've shrunk him into a basketball!
Exactly.
Now I shall fit him through the hoop using my powers.
Doo!
I love it.
Ohh...
How do you like that?
- All right. That's it. Come on down. - Whoo.
Thanks, performers.
Okay, we're gonna take a short break now.
Don't go away.
Welcome back. Okay, that's the end of the show.
So let's say a huge thanks to our wonderful improvisers.
And they're now going to present us with messages to Mark from
a number of random acquaintances from his wonderful life.
Thanks to the very entertaining Mark Cuban. See you again soon.
Hey, uh, Mark, it's me... God.
Can you hook a brother up?
Hello, Mark. I am Dirk Nowitzki.
Thank you for plucking me from the German forest
where I was working as a German sasquatch.
Hey, it's me, your doctor.
I'm so glad I could prescribe to you that little blue pill
so you don't have any more "Cuban missile crisis."
Hi. I'm Craig T. Nelson.
I don't really know...
Hello, Mark. Hey, Papi.
It's me... one of your roommates' girlfriends?
Why you lose my number?
Hi, Mark. It's your proctologist.
You, uh, left this horseshoe last time you were in.
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