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If you don't use it soon, it'll drop off.
"There goes Carl," they'll say, "That guy with no dick."
They won't say that.
They will! Five years without a girlfriend's not normal, mate.
It's not just not normal, it's abnormal.
Can't stay in all your life, the universe wants you.
Well, I've got nothing to say to the universe.
That's not true! You've got your sob story.
Don't, Andy.
Kept yourself locked away for too long.
Now's the time for you to announce to the world that Carl's back in the game.
Come on!
We're going to go out, going to have a good time and get fucked up! What are we going to get?
Fucked up.
That's right, boy.
Come on.
How you doing?
Think I've seen you here before, haven't I?
Never mind.
Not again, mate.
I'm telling you, you better not be like this in the next place.
Come on, we've got to go.
Come on!
Somebody not like you?
Sorry?
Oh.
No, it's just someone spilled a drink on me.
Did you punch him?
Did I punch him?
You know, teach him not to mess with you.
I like your shoes.
I don't suppose you've a place I can stay tonight?
I wouldn't usually ask, it's just I split up with my boyfriend
and I'd normally stay round his.
Don't worry, he's a dick anyway.
It's just, it means I am officially sort of homeless.
Oh, right, I...
I don't think that's appropriate.
Is it? I mean...
No. No, definitely not, sorry.
How long have you lived here?
I moved here when my mum died.
We had to sell her house.
Thank you for doing this.
I really appreciate it.
It's nothing.
You should go to bed.
Hey, there he is!
Mr Lover Lover himself, sex machine!
Round of applause, Steve. Carly boy is back in the game.
Don't get all coy, darling.
Steve here wants to know all the gory details, don't you, Steve?
Yeah, apparently, you took a lady home.
Not just any old lady but a fucking sweet little bit of teenage arse.
What was she, Carl? 18, 19?
Can we just leave it?
They're good when they're that age, though, ain't they? You know what?
I always wanted to shag a virgin.
Imagine how it would feel on your dick.
Andy.
What?
It's a common thing, ain't it?
I slept on the sofa.
You got a girl home and you didn't shag her?
Is that so weird?
Did she do a shit on you, Carl?
Is that why you ain't telling?
Yeah, all right, no, she did a shit on me, well done.
How did you get in here?
Wanted to surprise you.
Are you all right?
No.
Do you want a cup of tea?
So you don't often have girls back?
Ever.
This was supposed to be a bachelor pad.
I'm looking after it for some guy. It's meant to attract the ladies.
Do you want more tea?
I don't have a boyfriend.
In the club, I said I'd split up with him.
There wasn't one.
I just fancied you.
What?
Hi.
What time is it?
It's early.
It's much too early for you to move.
No.
I'm going to get up.
You're not doing a runner on me, are you?
No.
Where are you off to then?
School.
Bailey.
So?
I'm going to catch you guys up.
I thought we were going pub.
I'll catch you up, OK?
Why have you come here?
Want to do something with me tonight?
No.
Why?
Because I'm a 27-year-old man and you're a schoolgirl.
You didn't think it was wrong when you met me, when you were kissing me.
Shhh.
When we had sex.
Bailey, please.
You can't let society freak you out.
You have to be a maverick like all the best people.
Hunter S Thompson, he was a maverick.
Van Gogh.
Cher.
I feel bad about this morning.
I really thought this could have been something
but you just fucked me over.
Would it help if I was 16 next month or next week or...?
No.
You're 15.
I came on to you, remember?
I like you.
I don't think you should end it like this.
No.
No, no!
Look, just call me if you change your mind.
I don't want to change my mind.
My mate Carl, he's over there! Hello, Carl!
He's been drinking there for 11 years, right,
and still nobody knows his name!
This one's for you, baby!
Are you sure this is safe?
Why would they put a ladder here if it wasn't safe? Come on.
Isn't it amazing?
How often do you come up here?
Whenever I need to remind myself that there's something else,
like more than here anyway.
Have you ever been?
Want to do something cool?
What?
Just want to look at the stars.
Can't even see no stars.
Are you sure no actual trains come along here?
Positive. They don't run this late.
You can't like it here.
Why don't you leave?
I don't know.
Why don't you leave?
I'm waiting for someone to take me.
Won't your family miss you?
No, they never do anything for me.
Mum wouldn't notice if I vanished.
I used to think I was going to travel, round Italy.
In one of those camper van things.
Why don't you?
You can't just up and leave.
Why?
I don't have a van.
I got you a beer, Bailey, I hope that's all right.
Beer is great, thanks.
This is good, ain't it?
Tell you what, Bailey, me and Shannon are psyched to meet you, ain't we, Shan?
We thought there must be something wrong with you,
deformed or something, in your face.
What?
Go on, Carly Boy, go and order.
Pie and mash all round, yeah?
Don't worry, it's on me.
You're not a vegetarian, are you, Bailey?
No.
Good. Shannon tried to be one once
but I wouldn't let her, would I, Shan?
So what do you do then, Bailey?
Oh, I work.
Oh yeah, where do you work?
In a school.
Greybridge?
Yeah.
Get out. You'll know my little niece then, won't she, Shan?
Yeah, Year 9 I reckon she is.
Must be. Big girl, can't miss her.
There he is.
Look at him!
What?
All glowing, isn't he, Shan? You've done this to him, Bailey.
I thought we were going to have to send him off to be a monk.
Come on, no, no, sex is important, isn't it, Bailey?
Absolutely.
Please, do you have to?
Don't lecture me about my sex life, Carl.
Just because I've got a man who knows how to please me.
I'm not lecturing, I'm just...
Just because I didn't give up my entire life to look after Mum.
What? You're brother and sister?
Do we have to do this every time?
And don't tell me I never tried to help you when you were depressed, Carl. I called you.
Oh, like that was enough.
Who wants another drink before dinner, eh?
Lubricate the palate.
Come on, Shannon. Little walk to the bar for you, yeah.
Help me carry the drinks.
Why didn't you tell me?
Cos it's not even worth mentioning.
She's not bothered, she's just...
May as well not know each other.
Let's go.
What, do a runner?
It's really shit, can't you see?
I know, I know.
But we can't.
Can we?
Come on.
I'm all right.
Where'd you disappear off to last night?
Sorry, Bailey felt ill.
Got sick suddenly so we just went.
You know, mate, first I was like, maybe it's all right.
Fair dos and all, we all like them young and up for it.
But the more I think about it, the more fucked it is.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, you do know what I'm talking about.
See, my little niece does know your girl,
'cept she ain't a staff member, she's on the year above.
Funny, that. If I can figure it out, think other people can't?
And what if she tells people?
She wouldn't, she wouldn't.
Got to give her up, Carl.
There's guys round your street would kill you for that.
I can't.
Bruv, you could get banged up for this, you know?
And you can't do time.
Carl, seriously.
Cameron Diaz and Bill Murray in Charlie's Angels,
Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson in Lost In Translation
and Scarlett Johansson in Iron Man 1 and 2
with Robert Downey Jr playing Iron Man.
There you go, did it in five.
Listen, what was Lost In Translation about?
Didn't really get it.
Old man falls in love with some little prostitute.
Scarlett Johansson?
How's your girlfriend, Carl?
You got her wrapped around your little finger, ain't you?
Bet she's never met a guy like him before.
You know, been through puberty and that.
You know it's not like that.
And I bet her parents were so happy.
Have you asked Daddy's permission yet?
Do you know what, you got no right. No right to lecture me on this.
You think my relationship is fucked, take a look at your own, mate.
I've no idea why Shannon wants to stay with you.
You've got a shitty house, a shitty job
and you have got a fucked-up personality.
Well, at least I'm not a paedo.
Carl!
Carl, wait.
Wait!
I didn't mean not to invite you.
But you didn't, though.
Got a nice cake in there.
Your mum must have spent a lot.
Is it your 16th?
Congratulations.
Carl.
I was going to ask you to move away with me, but you can't move away.
I'm sorry.
I tried to warn you I was like this.
Where were you going to take me?
Don't know.
Hadn't really figured it out.
I'm going to go.
What I said before.
What's stopping you getting away?
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