For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington
have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
Th is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right?
Hello, and welcome to the Ricky Gervais show, with me, Ricky gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
This is the worst chair I've ever sat on,
and I've sat on some fucking chairs in my time.
Yeah. All right. Are we started?
One, one...
Are we recording?
Yeah. Ready?
Yeah.
Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series.
What? That's ridiculous.
I know. I was getting... I was getting all fired up.
He was getting excited... And motivated.
What are you talking about?
One one one one one... just seems a bit loud, that.
Well, well you should have sorted that out.
Karl, are we ready now?
Yeah, I suppose.
Well come back here then, you dopey bald twat!
Hello? Yeah. I'll just, I'll just sit like that.
Right, okay, ready? So, it was your problem?
Oh, Jesus.
It's just this carpet.
Right, ready?
Yeah.
Hello, welcome to a brand-new series of the Ricky Gervais show,
with me, Ricky Gervais...
- Hello. - Well, no.
I was so excited to say hello.
Okay, right, okay.
Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series of the Ricky Gervais show,
with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...
Hello.
And the little, round-headed shaven chimp that is Karl Pilkington.
Right.
Sync and corrections by sp8ky for www.Addic7ed.Com
Don't know if you've heard this, Karl, in the Sunday times,
they, uh, someone's written a letter about Karl.
Wow.
They can send in comments and views on things they've seen, read, heard.
Oh, excellent.
And this is what they, someone wrote to the, uh, Sunday times.
"Who is Karl Pilkington? And why have I just wasted five minutes of my life
listening to some of his cretinous thoughts on channel four?
"He asked, 'why are there so many dinosaurs on display in museums?'
"Quotes, 'couldn't they just choose the best one and just show that?'"
"He summed it all up by deciding that, 'we know too much.'"
"somebody clearly doesn't know enough to know that this is a complete waste of airtime,"
"showing no wit, intellect or creativity."
That's from Wendy in barkshire.
You gotta have your critics. You know what I mean?
You've gotta have your critics?
'Course you have.
If everybody liked what you did, then you're not doing the right thing.
But, think how angry she must have been to have bothered
writing this letter to the Sunday times.
Yeah, well it's good though.
I mean, you really must have...
It's all about getting people thinking. That's what I always say to you.
As long as I'm getting people thinking about what I've said.
She remembered what I said.
Yeah.
I'll tell you now, right? This is... yeah, I've...
I don't know if Wendy's, you know, listening to this...
Almost certainly not.
But listen, right?
I was saying about the, the uh, museums, right?
And how they're big and everything?
Brilliant. And they've got dinosaurs all over the shop.
I read that in that museum, they've got something like...
Uh...
Seven million bits of stuff in there, right?
Now, when I spend two hours in somewhere, just show me the good stuff.
Don't be saying we've got seven million bits.
'Cause there was a fella who, a fela lwho opened it, right?
I did a bit of research on the museum.
What museum was it?
It was the London one.
Oh, the London one, yeah.
So he's in there, and he's,
he's collecting all this, you know, bits of stuff.
What stuff?
- Just whatever's knocking about at that time. - Oh, okay.
It seemed like...
You have researched it.
He never chucked anything away. Oh.
He said, "oh, I won't put in the bin. Pop it on the shelf," right?
So he's put everything on a shelf in his museum.
Then, as time went on...
I think you're going into too much detail, but just give us the gist of it.
No, but I I'm saying is, uh, he keeps everything,
and if you keep everything, sometimes it'll be good stuff. All right?
Um... and a lot of the stuff was going missing. The good stuff.
But people who set these museums up are just as crafty.
What?
The fella who found Tutankhamen,
he was pocketing all sorts of fingers and stuff in his pockets on the way out.
That had rings on them and stuff. So all I'm saying is,
why is she having a go?
She's learned something. But hang on, wait, no...
But we just gave you the chance then, to defend yourself,
and you just confirmed Wendy's point a thousand times over!
What was all this waffle about people nicking stuff?
What's that got to do with anything?
Because she's having a go at me. I didn't Nick anything.
But she's having a go you for talking nonsense that's of no consequence,
which is what you just did then!
- That's not nonsense. - But what was your point?
All right, then. We'll watch Wendy's little program when that goes out.
Let's see what she's got to talk about.
Sick of her.
This is why Wendy's having a go, though. Because you're not being open-minded.
You're not thinking about...
But we're being open-minded to good ideas, to sensible thought.
To intellectual considerations.
We're not being open-minded to this utter drivel.
Yeah, but every invention is a bit... Who'd have thought the frisbee would have caught on?
I love the fact that you think the frisbee is the pinnacle of invention.
Yeah.
I think it's amazing.
No it's an example of something that, you know, if he was on some program
where you, you know, you said, "I've invented this," they'd go, "get out."
They wouldn't have... They wouldn't give him the time of day to say,
"right, I've made this thing. It's out of plastic. You throw it about."
"Well, what for?"
"Well, you just Chuck it about on the beach."
"What's the point?"
"It's a bit of fun, isn't it?" "No I don't like it."
Okay, that was an argument with himself.
No, but do you know what mean? It's a popular little thing,
and I'm just saying it's easy to put ideas down.
But you've never even come up with an idea as good as the frisbee,
and that's saying something.
I came up with a clippable mat that goes on a cup.
And it's... it's a good little thing. I haven't followed it through yet.
A what? A clippable mat.
What's a clippable mat? What is that...
A clippable mat that you stick on a cup, so you, you put your cup down on a table,
without having to go, "where's that mat?"
It's, it's clipped to the cup all the time,
and you put the cup down wherever you want 'cause it's got a mat on it.
I think I've seen that.
But why does it have to be clipped to it? No, I think I have.
Why couldn't it just be built into the cup?
Because, uh...
So it clips onto... you gotta have special cups, it doesn't clip onto every cup?
No, but just the same way that every saucer's different,
you don't say, "oh, I'm sick of this saucer, it doesn't fit a mug."
You, you use the saucer. Like, I mean, I don't use saucers.
Just don't buy...
But isn't a saucer what you're talking about?
Uh, kind of, yeah, but it's clippable.
See, Karl, when he disses all these great inventions and design,
when he says you don't need them, it's just faffin',
what he means is he's a little bit annoyed that no one's picked up on his ideas,
like the clippable mat for the mug. Or, uh, I don't know, what's the one about the tie?
The tie that had a pocket?
Loads of pockets.
But I didn't come up with that. That's something that I saw somewhere.
It never caught on.
I've never seen anyone wearing one. Yet it's such a good...
It's not a good idea. It is a good idea.
It's like having a carrier bag around your neck. It doesn't make any sense.
It's a tie packed with stuff you were...
"Oi, Frank, nice tie. What you got in there?"
"Baguette, um..."
It's ridiculous.
Well, imagine the day that the tie was invented.
"There you go. Do you want a tie ?" "What do you do with it?"
"Put it around your neck." "What for?"
"Um, I don't know."
Well, I'll tell ya. What?
Uh, because you haven't invented buttons yet,
and it keeps your shirt together at the top.
"Well, all right, then, right. Uh, we've invented buttons,
"are we going to stop making these ties?"
"No." "Why?"
He's got you there, Rick. There you go.
Now, I'm saying, "what are you doing with that tie around your neck?"
"Oh, it's a pocket tie." "It's a what?" "Pocket tie."
"What do you mean?"
"It's got pockets in it." "Huh. That's weird."
So. I've got pockets in me jacket.
Yeah, I know but, but, hang on, hang on a minute. It's a hot day, isn't it?
Don't want to put your jacket on.
Uh, or a tie, ugh.
Well if you're gonna wear a jacket, wear a tie. Leave the jacket at home.
I'm not wearing a jacket. I'm wearing a shirt.
Give it a purpose. If you're gonna wear something, give it a purpose.
Everything has a purpose.
A tie, at the moment, is just 'round your neck, keeping you hot.
If you're going to be hot, carry something, hands free.
And everything's always there.
A bag, you put stuff in a bag, you put a bag down, and you forget it.
I always forget bags. That's why I don't like carrying tm.
You pop it down, you get up, you walk off. Oh, where's the bag?
A tie, when you go in a cafe or something for beans on toast,
you don't take your tie off.
I don't wear a tie. I would if it had pockets.
Karl!
The country would look smarter.
Right. You have a pocket. So what are you carrying in this pocket?
I have got spare change...
Yeah, okay.
Which, uh...
You're rattling around like a, like a cow in Switzerland, just like...
The spare change... I've got, uh, like, me debit card in there.
Right.
Uh, maybe got me a little front-door key in one of the pockets.
Okay.
A pair of scissors, if you want.
Amazing. That's safe, isn't it?
That's a good place put it, just around the heart area.
Yeah, near the throat.
Yeah.
Probably facing upwards, brilliant.
Karl, think what you're saying.
So when you, when you're on the beach, and you've just got your speedos on,
pop a tie on, go to the shop, pop a tie on.
No, you wear it in the appropriate times.
But I'm just saying, if you're going to wear a tie, let's make it useful.
Let's give it a purpose.
Don't wear a tie. It's all right.
You do not need a tie with pockets. If you're wearing a tie,
you've got clothes with pockets.
And it's going to be weighing your neck down. If... I mean, come on.
It's not practical.
Don't go mad. If you're carrying anything big, you buy the scarf version.
Karl said the most exciting words.
He said, "I've had another film idea."
Wow.
Does it star Clive Warren?
Sell it to me like I'm a Hollywood executive. Sell me the film.
So, what I was thinking is...
Um...
I'm picturing...
Probably... it doesn't matter, it's not as fixed. It doesn't have to be this person.
But I'm thinking Tom Cruise.
Okay. Cruisy, yeah.
Excellent. Excellent, yeah.
Um,
and the way it works is...
Do you know Tom, by the way, or have you got an in there or...
No.
Okay. But you just...
New sort of film...
That would appeal to Tom. That he'd, he'd sort of be into.
I think it would excite him.
Ok. Great. Okay.
Um, so...
Have we ordered coffees? Did, um...
What?
Did Cheryl get you a coffee?
- Yeah. - Oh okay, thanks, great.
So...
You hungry at all? Do you wanna...
- No. - No, great.
So, uh...
Cheryl, I might have a tea, actually, Cheryl, if you could...
Will we wait for the teas before she comes in?
She'll just...
She'll just sneak in, she'll be... she will be very quiet.
She's like a dormouse. You won't even know she's come in.
Okay. You just...
You've got your coffee? No, no, I'm fine, thanks.
Go. Actually,
uh, I will have a tea actually, Cheryl.
Two teas, Cheryl. Thanks.
Okay,.
Right.
Thanks, Cheryl.
Thank you. Thanks.
Is there sugar... sorry, is there sugar in this, Cheryl?
Shut the door behind you. Thank you.
Okay. All the way. Go.
Tom Cruise. So I got Tom Cruise, that's what I've pictured so far.
He, he's just done Mission Impossible 7...
Right.
Uh, in this film.
Oh, in the film. So he's playing himself?
No, what you're seeing on the screen is Mission Impossible 7.
So if we get cruise, he is, he is playing himself?
Yeah.
And he's just made...
And in this film, he's just made Mission Impossible 7?
It's the future is it, this?
No, what you're seeing...
Okay, what's this film called?
I haven't got a title yet.
We'll just call it Karl Pilkington project 2.
Right. Okay. Kp2.
So you go in,
the opening thing is Mission Impossible 7.
I thought this was kp2.
Yeah, I'm confused. Yeah.
All right, listen. So what happens is, then,
it, it sort of pans out, you see, it's a telly.
Oh.
There's a bloke watching...
Mission Impossible 7.
Right. His girlfriend's watching it, going "I love Tom Cruise."
Yeah.
He's there going, "I can't be dealing with him."
So it is set in the future, though, this,
'cause we're assuming that he's made 7 so this is a...
Yeah.
How far in the future is it?
Well, when will mission impossible 7 be made?
I don't know. Probably about two years the way it's going.
Right. So, yeah, 2013?
Let's not get bogged down in all...
All these things we can iron out, as they say, in the script.
So you seeMmission Impossible 7 on the screen...
Cheryl, are any of those biscuits still knocking around?
Do you wanna do this meeting?
Yes I do, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry he's a bit... he's easily distracted. But I will have a biscuit as well, Cheryl.
Um, so, okay, I've been watching as though it's Mission Impossible 7,
it's pulled out, there's a guy in his room, in his...
His girlfriend's watching it, she's loving it,
- she's a fan of Tom Cruise. - She loves Tom Cruise, right.
He's a little bit niggled, he wanted to watch something else.
Sure. She decided on the DVD.
He sat there, annoyed.
"I can't be dealing with Tom Cruise.
"I can't believe they've made seven of these films."
Right. "He's a rubbish actor.
"I should be the actor. You know, I've been doing acting for years."
But he's not an actor, he's...
Well he is. Okay.
But he hasn't quite made it.
He's sending a lot of demos off...
Right, so he's a, he's a struggling actor.
Mmm.
So what happens is, next day they get up, right?
Yep.
She's still going on about Tom Cruise.
Loves him.
He thinks, "I'm sick of him," right?
She loves him.
Darn, my biscuit's gone in my tea. I left it in there too long 'cause he cut me off.
Just hang on. Let me just think.
Can I get the spoon please?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, it's all gone soggy.
Soggy.
Cheryl, can we get some more of those biscuits in here, please?
Do you want... do you wanna hear more or...
Yeah I'd love to hear more, please. Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
I'm just conscious that Colin Firth's coming in. He's won an Oscar, so...
So, um, what happens is,
he gets so annoyed with his girlfriend liking Tom Cruise,
he, um...
He plans to kill him.
So, uh, he sees Tom Cruise,
he kills him somehow. Now it's some way...
Now how does he kill him?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right.
So he dies in the film, in Mission Impossible 7.
They're doing that thing on the strings.
Right. It cuts, he lands.
Right. His body is in perfect condition.
But how is she watching the film?
The film, yeah. Did they put it out even after Tom Cruise died?
No, no, sorry, he was filming Mission Impossible 8.
So he's... okay, so...
He's filming the next one.
They film the next one. Mission Impossible 8, okay sure.
He's, he's annoyed.
He's going, "I can't believe they're making more of these films."
Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. "I can't get a gig and they're churning this crap out."
So, he on his springs...
On his wires, yeah.
On his wires. Yeah.
Springs sounds better.
He's bouncing around, like a baby...
The string is cut, smash.
- Tom Cruise, dead. Right? - Right.
Right.
The bloke hears this on the radio, on the news.
Yeah.
The girlfriend's fella. He hears it on the news, he can't believe it.
He's like, "yeah," takes his eye off the road a lite bit in the celebration...
Truck plows into the car.
So he's killed as well?
- Well, is he? - Okay.
Little interlude.
Fades up, um,
he comes out of... you're seeing see his eyes sort of opening.
You know when you're seeing out the eyes, you see the eyelids?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you see his girlfriend there sort of looking at him like, a bit, bit startled.
Sure. Oh, yeah.
And he's going, "oh, what happened?"
And she's going, "it's all right, it's all right."
And he's going, "oh, get me a mirror."
She's going, "I don't wanna get you mirror yet."
- Okay. - Oh, hold on, what's going on?
"You've, you've had a bad accident."
What's he gonna look like?
All mirrors are out of the room and everything, he's just learning to, learning to walk.
He's going "why can't I look in the mirror ?" And the doctor's going, "no point."
Yeah. Right, right.
"No point. You've gotta get used to this body."
Then, he gets walking. It's almost time to go home.
Yep.
His girlfriend comes in. Yep.
It's her job to tell him the, the news.
Oh my God, what is the news?
Um, she says, "there's a mirror. Look in there." He looks in it. He's Tom Cruise.
Right.
Because head his accident on the set, he had the accident, he ended up in the hospital,
"quick, quick, we gotta act quick. This is the time, this is the future."
Right. Where they can use bodies... Here they use...
Bodies, all the rest of it.
So Tom Cruise is dead... Tom Cruise dead.
This bloke Bryan...
His body's squashed, but...
What's his name, Bryan? Yeah.
But Bryan's brain is in Tom Cruise's body? Just a donor body, he just happens to...
Just happened to... That's how it'll be...
It's just meat, it's just...
Just like a lung donor, or a heart donor. Exactly, yeah.
So, so this is Bryan. He just looks like Tom Cruise now. He's got Tom Cruise's flesh.
Yeah. Now at first, initially, he's annoyed.
Sorry, just practically, who is doing the voiceover then for the...
It's Tom now.
So Tom's sort of doing a impression of this actor...
Bryan's inside Tom.
His name is Bryan, but when you look at it on the telly,
when the camera whizzes 'round,
yeah.
And you see him sat in his bed, it's Tom Cruise.
Sure. Right, okay.
His girlfriend's over the moon, 'cause she loves Tom Cruise.
Right. Moon.
He's gutted 'cause he can't stand him, he can't stand the films. He's thinking...
Yeah, but he must be thinking,
"I look like Tom Cruise, one of the most loved actors of his generation."
Well you'd think so, but he's not, because he's in shock, remember.
He was expecting to see himself. When he looks in the mirror, he sees someone else.
Yeah that must be shocking, yeah.
So... Also the voice is...
He's going "I can't stand this."
And she's going "calm down, calm down, you'll get used to it."
"Just don't wanna get used to it."
And, uh, she's sort of saying, "look, you're alive."
Right.
"Stop moaning." Yeah.
"Stop moaning, Bryan."
Uh...
She called him Bryan, I assume?
She says...
And Tom Cruise just had a sort of donor card that allowed his body to be given away, did it?
Yeah, it's the future. Right.
This is, this is 2013 Steve. Things have changed.
Right. What's his Girlfriend's name?
Claire.
Claire. Claire and Bryan, okay.
Okay, just a different body. Just a slightly different look. Claire.
Right. All right, so, he's seen that he looks like Tom Cruise.
He's shocked, but he's getting used to it?
He doesn't look like him, he is him.
When he leaves the hospital...
They go "oh, Tom, I thought you were dead."
They're all going "it's Tom! It's Tom!"
And he's going "oh, yeah," and he's going, "oh, I knew this would happen,
"it's doing me head in."
- So he wheels out, he's in the wheelchair. - Okay.
Sick of this."
Uh, the other patients are going, "Tom, I thought you were dead."
And he's going, "yeah, yeah, yeah." And he's annoyed.
He gets in the car. He gets out there.
And he sees a poster up on the side of the road, right.
For Mission Impossible 8.
It's... hold on, though...
It's finished. I thought he died while they were filming it?
It's not finished.
But now, these days, they're shouting about films before they're made.
Wow. And they go brilliant, and all the hype and everything.
But they put a poster up even after... Seems premature.
No, the poster was already up.
That seems premature, given that a man died during the production.
Doesn't matter!
I'd... I'd have taken the posters down.
No... but then I don't work in Hollywood.
Right.
So the poster's up there, and he sees it as he's in the car driving past.
Yeah. And he thinks, "that can't... That can't be finished."
That makes sense, yea
they both look at each other.
"This is your chance. You wanted to be an actor. This is the chance."
- Yeah. - Right.
Go back to the studio. So he goes in...
"Hello, you don't know me," and they go, "o we think we do."
And he goes, "no you don't. I'm Bryan. Tom died on your film set."
Well, they must know that. They must know...
That Tom Cruise is dead. That Tom Cruise died.
Because his family must have been...
All right, if you want, it makes no difference. We can tweak the script.
So this is... Bryan has turned up, looking like Tom Cruise.
He's at the film company, right, who must know that Tom Cruise died on their film set.
What were they gonna do?
Well they would have to wrap it up. They would have had to say...
Well then what you said, the... the posters are up!
Yes, the posters are up before they've even finished filming.
So they're cancelling the film, until he walks in.
Basically, yeah.
Oh, so they are cancelling the film. They're cancelling it.
Okay, so, "uh, we're afraid that, um, uh, production has stopped"
"on Mission Impossible, uh, 8, due to the death of Tom Cruise. It's done."
"Hang on a minute!" "What?"
"I'm Bryan."
"Who the... who's Bryan? Oh my God, you look exactly like Tom Cruise!"
"Oh, they've done that thing where they put Bryan's brain in Tom Cruise's body?"
"Yeah."
"Ah, but it's not Tom Cruise. You can't act like him..."
"I'm an actor."
"Yeah, but are you as good, 'cause he was like one of the best actors..."
"Yeah. He's not that good. I never rated him."
"Yeah, but a lot of people did, and he's got..."
"Yeah, but a lot of people didn't."
"Right." "So let me bring in a new audience for you, eh?
"I can bring a bit to this."
Right.
So this, of course, gives it a boost because...
Right. Um...
Well, the flagging franchise is being rejuvenated.
People want to see how good Bryan is.
The, the press, the news that's out there.
Tom Cruise and his new film.
Well, it's not Tom Cruise. They can't say that.
Well, it is though. When you look at him, you go "oh, it's Tom Cruise."
Well no, you've gotta say a bloke that looks like Tom Cruise.
"The body of Tom Cruise, the acting is still Bryan."
"In a new movie..."
"Mission Impossible 8",
"starring the bones and skin and stuff of Tom Cruise.
"With Bryan's brain!"
Oh, forget it. Do you like..
Do you like Tom Cruise's face, but not his acting?
Then you'll love Mission Impossible 8!
I can't be bothered.
Ah! Oh...
"Mission Impossible 8,
"from the people who brought you the first seven,
"and the hair of the bloke who was in the first seven,
"but with Bryan doing all the lines!"
With Bryan! It's some cunt I've never heard of!
Oho, the seventh sequel!
No wait, sorry, I really want to hear the ending of this movie.
Please let me ask, 'cause you've had, you had your chance to ask him questions.
Right.
So where are we, in a sort of 90-minute running time of movie,
where are we now in the film? Are we about two-thirds of the way through?
Wee close. We're close to the end.
Okay. So, Mission Impossible 8 has been made.
So what's the end of our movie?
Not of Mission Impossible 8, but the movie you're making. What's the ending there?
Uh...
Do we ever get to see him in Mission Impossible 8?
I think, yeah, but I think what happens is, um,
he becomes the person who he never liked.
- I think, yeah, but I - What happens is, um,
and it's, it's, I just wanna get across the moral that, who are we?
Are we the people in our body, or the people we look like
what's important in life?
Is it the way you look, or the way you think?
And he, he changes because he looks like Tom Cruise,
he becomes the man he never liked.
Oh, and what's his girlfriend think of this?
Whose?
Bryan's.
She's loving it, isn't she, cause it's... She always liked Tom Cruise. She's...
What did Bryan look like? Who would play him in this film?
Probably... what's his name, the bloke who was in cheers, probably.
Ted Danson? Ted Danson.
So Ted Danson is Bryan.
So Claire, right...
This is so confusing!
Because Ted Danson's supposed to be someone that we've never heard of,
even though he's Ted Danson,
and Tom Cruise is playing himself, the famous actor Tom Cruise,
who is now inhabited by Ted Danson, who's not Ted Danson.
Ted Danson!
(ln trailer voice "Ted Danson as Bryan."
Ted Danson as Bryan,
as Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible 8.
Forget it. Wow.
Who's playing Claire?
Uh...
I don't... well I'm... I'm up for your, you know, that's why I've come to you.
Okay, so... There's an obvious suggestion,
Rebecca demornay.
She's so hot after the love of a brain, or whatever it was called.
Oh!
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
And it's Bryan!
Sync and corrections by sp8ky for www.Addic7ed.Com