The lesson today is taken from Matthew 5:39.
"But I say unto you, love your enemies."
"Do good to them that hate you."
"Bless them that curse you"
"and pray for them that smite you."
"And to him that smites you on the one cheek,"
"turn to him the other."
Thank you, Ripp, for the reading of the word.
And now for announcements.
As you know, me and my beautiful bride Carlene
will be celebrating our 17th anniversary this week
with the annual renewal of our vows.
This year's theme is "Gone With The Wind."
And as always, the entire congregation
is invited to attend the reception
at Dallas' own Tara, our home.
No gifts. Just donations to our charity...
"for children with something."
Mark your contributions to "Gone With The Wind."
Let us now present our tithes and offerings.
Hey, Ladybug.
Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
♪ Lord, make me ♪
♪ an instrument ♪
♪ of thy peace ♪
How amazing is my sister's voice, huh?
Listening to Carlene sing is like being closer to God.
♪ Let me sow love ♪
What's wrong, Carlene?
Double whammy, Ripp.
First, pastor Tudor's "turn the other cheek" sermon,
then your fingers strumming that beautiful prayer
got me to thinking.
Trying to almost-but-not-really blackmail Amanda last week
was awful of me.
Wrong, wrong wrong.
God forgives you, kitten. We're all sinners.
Don't I know it?
Just look at 'em.
She drives men to drive off cliffs,
Ripp, consider my cheek officially turned.
You get so full of love around vow renewal time.
Mm.
I am the matron of honor.
It's Carlene's highest accolade.
She's never given it to me in 17 years.
But thanks to my recent personal growth
under your tutelage, pastor Tudor,
she knows I can handle the massive responsibilities
that come with matron-of-honorship.
Don't you just walk down an aisle?
Oh, lord, have mercy, no.
I have planned this thing to perfection.
To the horse-drawn carriages that bring the guests
to the "burning of Atlanta" barbecue reception.
I'm... I'm getting kind of nervous.
All you have to do is read the vows.
I'll provide your horse and the confederate uniform.
Sperm bank. Low overhead.
Just a couple of freezers,
plastic cups, and dirty magazines.
Should we invest in it?
Everybody wants babies.
You're misty. Something the matter?
Oh, no, nothing. Just a...
Just a reality check.
Our nest will be empty soon.
Little angel's going off to college.
She's not gonna need her daddy anymore.
Well, there is a bright side.
No more pep rallies, parent-teacher conferences.
More time for product expansion,
and if we're gonna bust that chambermaid union,
we really have to focus.
You know, truth be told,
I always thought we'd have another one.
Another what?
- Baby? - Wasn't that part of the 15-year plan?
Triple your father's business, have two kids?
Well, plans change.
I've got way too much going on with the I.P.O.
to even think about raising another child right now.
Speaking of daddy business...
You seem very busy up at the ranch
with your new foreman... Randy.
- Rusty. - Rusty.
That relationship has nothing to do with this.
Never has, you know that.
I want another child.
Just... consider it.
I always consider everything.
Please fasten your seatbelts
and prepare for landing.
One more thing.
The matron of honor Melanie Wilkes...
Parasol.
Oh, my God in heaven, you look...
Antebellum.
Hey, girls, sorry I'm late.
Just got off the plane from El Paso.
I require liquor.
Anything wrong?
You look like somebody licked the red off your candy.
You know how carefully I plan my life.
Blake wants to upend my agenda.
Ripp likes to do that, too, sometimes.
Took some gettin' used to.
Look at my parasol. It twirls.
You've got to be kidding me.
This theme is worse than "The Empire Strikes Back."
What did Blake do?
Out of the blue, he tells me he wants another baby.
Part of me would love to try motherhood again.
And this time, actually try motherhood.
I mean, Alexandra never even came to me for a hug.
And I'm not asking for one, either.
Sharing and caring time is over.
Ladies, before you throw me out,
you let me say my piece.
Now I know things haven't been great between us
ever since the whole uncle Burl thing...
You mean ever since you stole the land
for her condos for Christian living right out from under her?
Sharon, I appreciate you leaping to my defense,
but I've already forgiven Heather
for her shocking lapse of judgment.
You should never choose a man over your dear, dear friends...
Especially the kind you date,
who just... come and go.
I know I messed up, and I am so, so sorry.
You ladies are my best friends.
We're practically sisters.
I really miss you.
Oh, honey, we missed you, too.
Welcome back into the fold.
Thank... oh. Thank you.
Talk is cheap, darling.
You can't just tell me you love me.
You're gonna have to show me.
I've never had turkey bacon before.
You really are from California.
Don't worry. Mama hates it, too.
Hey, um, listen...
since you and I seem to be on the verge of hitting it off...
well, I think we're on the verge of hitting it out of the park.
Okay. Then I just gotta know...
exactly how close are you and Carlene?
Carlene is a good woman
who's just terrified of being bad, okay?
Which sometimes makes her behavior...
Incomprehensible?
Now I never understand her, but I adore her.
And, hey, she does know how to throw a good party.
In fact, what are you doing Saturday?
You wanna be my date for the vow renewal?
I wish I could. I... just...
Anything else I'd be totally game for.
I just think that with Carlene's and my history,
it's not such a good idea.
You understand.
- Not really. - Not really.
No. But hey, if you change your mind,
I'll just...
- Be right across the street. - Oh.
Bye.
Hey.
- Get out of here. - Mm.
How much did you hear?
Well, I must have heard wrong,
because you couldn't possibly have sent away a good man
just because you're scared of some blonde nitwit
in 20-inch heels.
Mother, Carlene and I have serious differences.
So what? Luke is a doll.
Set aside your differences with Carlene.
How am I supposed to do that?
Don't be a chicken. Cross the road.
Amanda!
I'm sure you're not here to see me.
Luke!
- Hey. - Hey.
- Perfect timing. - Yeah.
You can help with my civil war costume.
Gonna freak Carlene out and come as Abraham Lincoln.
But he wasn't in "Gone With The Wind."
I like breaking the rules.
Me, too.
And in the spirit of that, I've changed my mind.
I'd love to be your date on Saturday night.
That is awesome.
Amanda's my date for the vow renewal.
Luke, precious...
You know the protocol.
You're the best man.
The best man's date has to be someone in the bridal party.
Take Heather. She's alone again...
With no one... Powerless.
Or take me. Zack's out of town.
Yeah. Take Sharon.
Okay, I just won't be in the wedding party, then.
We'll come as civilians.
Absolutely not.
You have to stand up with me.
You'll be my only family in attendance.
Aunt Bitsy's dead,
uncle Burl's in unincorporated Juarez,
and mama and daddy have a bridge game.
Luke, you're upsetting Carlene's carefully laid plans.
Lady hates it when a man messes up her plans.
Today's sophisticated and dynamic woman
decides and accepts what her life is going to be.
It's not fair for someone to just walk in there
and rip it to hell just because he has a penis!
On second thought, I'm gonna sit this one out.
You just call me when the circus leaves town, okay?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I have been to 16 of these monkey scratches.
Just... Please don't do this.
If you can't bend the rules just this once,
well, then maybe I sit this one out, too.
No!
You're choosing Amanda Vaughn
over me and my celebration of love?
That is one cheek I will not turn.
You make your choices, I make mine.
But, Luke,
there's no way she can attend.
Amanda doesn't even have a dress.
Carlene! Don't go there! Don't... not the parasol!
In the spirit of forgiveness, be my matron of honor.
See? Problem solved.
No! It's my time!
If that's the only way to get my little brother at my wedding,
then that's the way it's gotta be.
Tell me this isn't happening.
I wish I could.
Civil war.
I love it.
GCB 1x06 - Turn the Other Cheek Original air date April 8, 2012
Sync and corrected by atrn97g Resync by into-the-light www.addic7ed.com
.
Well, hi there, neighbor.
Sharon. What can I do for you?
Well, since I have been relieved of my matron-of-honor duties,
which... by the way, thank you so much...
really was a burden...
- Sharon, I had no idea that... - Oh, no problemo.
- I just thought I'd bring by some... - Oh, God.
- ...stuff that I've been compiling. - Oh!
This...
details everything that falls under your purview...
itineraries, guest lists, battle of Atlanta research.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
That's...
Oh, it's heavy, I know. Don't let that scare you.
You just have a few... Dozen more things to do.
- I'm sure you can handle it. - Sure can.
Making Carlene happy is important to Luke,
and that's important to me.
Now don't forget to get a gift for today's bridal shower.
You'll be hosting it.
- I will? - Mm-hmm.
The theme is...
"his rod and staff, they comfort me."
One of those... themes.
You know what I mean?
I have a pretty good idea, yeah.
And then there's
the bachelorette girls-only vacay.
Just us girls. Together. Out of town. Overnight.
Gonna be fun.
Get rowdy!
Yeah, that sounds outstanding. Um...
Hope you can keep up!
Me, too.
- Here. - Oh!
Amanda, I'm concerned.
You didn't put food content labels in front of the dishes.
Our friends have so many allergies.
Lannylou Cullen will die
if a peanut so much as brushes her lips.
How am I supposed to know that?
Oh, chapter 17 in the matron of honor manual...
"avoiding a buffet of death."
Here. I have an extra epipen just in case.
You have to be fast. Stab them right in the heart.
Girls.
- Geeg. - Gigi.
How you holding up, darling?
Hmm. Hostessing in Dallas
is very different than California.
I'm sure. Here, we're known for our manners.
Look at Carlene. She can be lovely.
So gracious.
Almost human.
You know, darling, have you ever considered
that she's actually capable
of a generous gesture where you're concerned?
She's really trying to embrace the idea of you and her brother?
No.
Me, either.
Carlene, you ready to start the gifts?
I was born ready, darling.
Here, crick. I got you a glass of bubbly.
This isn't 52 degrees.
Okay, girls, let's go. Here we go.
Uh, okay.
This one looks like a nice one.
Oh, thank you, Amanda.
It is from...
Cousin Deecie!
Bless her 82-year-old heart.
Always right on theme.
Aw.
Make sure you get a list of gifts for the thank-you cards.
Here's a pen.
Next! Okay.
Oh, um...
Yes. This one is from...
Honey Branigan.
Oh, Honey! You never fail me!
Oh! It's Moses parting the Red Sea.
Well, it's not Jesus, darling,
but at least you got the staff part right.
I'll be a welcome addition to my collection of sacred statuary.
Oh, Carlene,
well, how 'bout you open this one?
In the shirtless fireman gift bag.
No. Oh, it's from Amanda.
You know... It's an animated one!
- No, no! Stop! - Aah!
Aah!
- Can you... - No, no, Carlene!
Aah!
That's not sacred.
No, come on, girls.
I got it!
Just move!
Oh! That's terrible!
♪ I jumped in looking to make... ♪
Oh, God, that manual thing.
It gets bigger every year.
The White House doesn't have this much protocol.
It's not humanly possible to do all of this stuff.
"Choose the perfect song"
"for the moment the vows are renewed."
How do I know what the perfect song is?
I'm not inside Carlene's head, God forbid.
- How about "Like A Virgin"? - Stop it.
"I Want Your Sex"?
This is a big deal, and...
Ugh. To be honest, I'm not sure I can handle it.
I already destroyed the bridal shower
with a battery-operated remote-control marital aid
called "Jack the Ripper."
Come on, Ladybug.
You are taking this too seriously.
Look, stuff goes wrong at these things all the time,
especially Carlene's.
- There was one time... - Mm-hmm.
The horses got spooked by a snake.
Number 13... "The Wild West."
And... At their actual wedding,
I got high and lost their actual marriage license.
- You did? - Let's just say I used to be a little
more... unreliable.
Now come on. You're in the homestretch here.
Just push it over the finish line.
You're right. I mean, Sharon did do most of the heavy lifting.
And all that's left is this overnight bachelorette.
She said it's like an all-girls vacay.
- How bad can that be? - Right.
Hey, girls!
- Hi. - Hey.
I missed something.
I know I did.
No, darling, you're right on time.
Wheels up in five.
Ladies, remember to store all your firearms
during takeoff and landing.
This is a hunting trip.
Oh, heavens. It looks like someone didn't read
all the way through to page 526 in the manual.
Hunting.
Why hunting?
We're gonna shoot us up something tasty,
serve it at the reception.
Plus, hunting's good exercise.
Why should the men have all the fun killing things?
Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert
shot all the venison they served at their wedding themselves.
Carlene wasn't about to be shown up.
Mm.
Cricket, you still got three gun cases outside.
And I'll go get 'em for you.
Seriously? You're waiting on Cruella de Vil?
Cricket's slower to warm back up than the others.
So if it takes kissing her icy little fanny
for a few days, then so be it.
Besides, it ain't that different from you
being Carlene's slave of honor, huh... to make Luke happy?
Stones. Glass houses. I get it.
Mm.
This gun make me look fat?
Oh, granddaddy Bo's hunting vest.
Thank God you can live with only one lung.
Mm. Huh.
What you got there, Sharon?
Oh, this is my field dressing kit.
I can skin a rabbit faster than any woman in Dallas.
It was my talent in the Miss North Texas pageant.
Wow.
Well, I guess everyone was prepared
for this hunting trip but me, then.
Huh, Sharon?
I guess I should have been more clear about that.
My bad.
It's just that I spent so much time
preparing for this event,
and it was hard to catch you up so quick.
Oops. Looks like there's a little blood left on this one.
Sharon, just so you know,
I didn't mean to step on your toes by doing this for Carlene.
It just seemed to matter to Luke. So no hard feelings?
Oh, no. No hard feelings at all.
And speaking of Luke, you are a saint.
I mean, to take a chance
on a man with that kind of reputation?
It takes a brave woman.
Um, what reputation?
Well, you know...
He's taken a different date to Carlene's vow renewal ceremony
16 years straight.
Not a single repeat appearance.
And then he dumps every single one of them
within two weeks of the ceremony.
I mean, the girls around here
call that "the curse."
Of course, Carlene knows this.
Oh, of course. But...
Maybe 17 is your lucky number.
Anyway, I shouldn't talk out of school.
I mean, Carlene would kill me
if she knew I was telling you all this.
I bet she would.
Howdy, hunting partner.
You ready to bond with bullets?
You bet.
Oh! What is this?
Urine of a doe in heat.
My gift to Carlene is the trophy buck of a lifetime.
Poor thing desperately needs a statement piece of taxidermy
in her dining room.
I never liked huntin'. Shooting things creeps me out.
Life is overrated.
Spray me with the human scent neutralizer.
We're gonna head down by the crick,
pick 'em off at their watering hole.
Oh, Amanda. Sweet, pacifist Amanda.
Gun's for quail, not for deer.
Doesn't matter. I'm not gonna kill anything.
'Course you're not, sugar.
We can't all be mighty hunters before the lord.
For some odd reason, God made vegetarians, too.
Cut the crap, Carlene.
Shh! I know you're just being nice to my face
while you get Sharon to do your dirty work.
- What? - Just be honest.
I know you put Sharon up to telling me about Luke
and his harem of dates to your vow renewals.
It was an obvious scare tactic. I mean, come on.
"The curse"? You can do better than that.
I didn't do anything.
Oh, you may be fooling Luke with this whole act,
pretending to accept me,
but you and I both know you don't.
Enough.
I will not stand here
and be accused of sins I did not commit.
I swear on this hunter's Bible
that whatever tawdry tidbits Sharon fed you
did not come from me.
And if you'd been paying attention, Amanda,
you'd notice that I've been
nothing but kind and forgiving to you all week.
And to be completely honest, trying to like you
has been one of the hardest trials God's ever given me.
Thank you for finally telling the truth.
Maybe now, we can stop playing these silly games,
and I can stop pretending that I wanna be out here
shooting innocent animals.
And I can stop pretending that I want you out here with me.
Fine. I'll leave.
Enjoy yourself.
Don't get eaten by a bear.
Leave the gun.
Aah!
I've been shot!
This'll flush out the bucks.
How?
Mimics the sound of them fighting for a mate.
They're in rut... ready to breed.
Every bad boy in the forest will come out
to check out the action.
Well, I hear a buck named Blake is also "in rut."
I'm not interested in discussing my husband's mating habits.
Come on, Cricket. A baby'd be wonderful.
Then you fire up your uterus and you have one.
Mine is closed for business.
Mine might as well be, too.
Andrew was the first good man...
actual father material...
to walk through my woods in a long time,
- and I just chased him out. - Don't you dare get all weepy on me!
If you have to cry, you put this deer caller in your mouth.
Mothering is a risky business proposition.
No knowing if you're cut out for it until you invest in it.
Profit margins are slim.
- Cricket, you're a great mama. - Mm.
Alexandra's a shining example of Dallas womanhood.
Thanks to her daddy.
You're strong and inspiring, and your daughter idolizes you.
We have a mutual respect.
But we are far from close.
And I don't know how to fix it.
And I don't wanna make
- the same mistake again. - You haven't made mistakes.
Blake fills in the gaps for you, and you for him.
It's what makes y'all such a great team.
I'd give anything to have that.
Oh. Here we go.
Don't tell me you're not maternal.
Shut up.
Ladies, get back to the plane A.S.A.P.
There's been a little accident.
Gotcha.
- Can we save it? - Just removing some damaged skin.
No nerve or arterial damage.
You sure? It's a very important body part.
Will I ever walk again, Dr. Chin? Just tell me.
Can you clinch the buttock?
I... I...
Yeah.
- Hallelujah. God is great. - - Ohh.
Just a light bandage and we're done.
The pain... it's like the fires of Satan are licking my behind!
If job had taken two of these,
he wouldn't have suffered.
Thanks for making a house call, doc.
Anything for Mrs. Cockburn.
That nose is my crowning glory.
You did a lovely job
after the... tennis accident destroyed it.
You almost destroyed her life, Amanda.
Carlene may never be able
to wear her pink chanel romper again.
You can't comprehend how awful I feel.
Okay, with all due concern, it looked like a minor scrape.
Really.
Really, Heather?
I didn't know you could major in medicine at real estate school.
She was shot in cold blood!
Okay, let's just turn this stew down to a simmer.
Okay, now explain to me one more time how this all happened.
It was an accident.
- I just set the gun down... - Accident, my patootie!
She was yelling and screaming, and bam! Whoa.
- Oh! - That true?
Okay, sure. Voices were raised,
a gun went off.
But it was not premeditated.
I mean, things like this happen all the time!
Do they?
- No, they don't. - They most certainly do not.
I think we should all look on the bright side here.
No one was seriously hurt.
- Amen. - Amen.
I do offer up thanks that my right buttock remains intact.
- But my special week has been destroyed. - Come on, Carlene,
it's not the worst thing that's ever happened
during one of these vow renewals, is it?
Remember the wild west horse stampede?
Or how 'bout this one losing the marriage license?
That was way worse! Right?
The marriage license?
The one you were in charge of filing... you lost it?
No, the whole thing is kind of hazy, actually.
But you found it, right?
No.
That part is clear.
You mean, our original marriage license...
the binding contract that defines and defends marriage...
You lost it?
So Ripp and I aren't really m...
We're not really married?
Is that what you're... how...
Aah! Carlene! 9-1-1!
Did Carlene kick you out?
No, this is the only place to catch some shut-eye.
If you wanna see the wailing wall,
don't go to Jerusalem.
Just head on upstairs to the master suite.
Well, I brought you one of Lupe's breakfast burritos.
I'm so sorry. I thought you losing
Carlene and Ripp's marriage license wasn't so serious.
I should have warned you it was a secret.
This, kids, is why you don't smoke weed at a wedding.
It destroys lives.
Just say "no."
Damn, these vow renewals are cursed.
That's an interesting choice of words.
How do you mean?
Sharon told me about your curse...
16 dates in 16 ceremonies?
Well, technically, it was 19.
Three bailed en route to Dallas
and I found replacements in the airport bar.
Really?
Wow.
- What? - I'm surprised.
I just... I had no idea you were the kind of guy
who picks up girls in airport bars.
Not anymore. I'm feeling really good about my twentieth.
She seems like a keeper.
What? So I dated around a little.
I mean, I'm not that guy anymore.
You don't believe me?
I don't know.
It... it just seems like
it's a pretty big change to make in a year.
I'm back dating after 18 years.
And this... we are happening fast,
and I just don't wanna get hurt by a player.
So now... now I'm a player?
You know what?
A lot of people told me who you used to be,
but I didn't listen because you told me you'd changed,
and your word was enough.
I guess you can't extend me the same courtesy.
- No, no... that's not... Luke... - No, if... if you don't mind,
I'm gonna try and make this up to my sister. Thank you.
I'm...
A marriage license is just a piece of paper.
It doesn't mean we're not still married in the eyes of the lord.
There must be some way we can prove it.
I have a call in to judge Salderbrook.
We'll get it squared.
Oh, good.
You give it a shot, eh?
How you doing, Buttercup?
I brought you some treats.
Take it back to the kitchen. I won't eat a bite.
I'm very stoned.
I'm gonna get still stoned-er before the end of the day.
Carlene Cockburn,
I have no intention of letting you slide down
the slippery slope to addiction.
My life is over.
Nothing will ever happen to me anymore.
And to think... all this started
when you made Amanda Vaughn your matron of honor.
Amanda. She's a pale-faced, mealy-mouthed ninny.
- And I hate her. - With good reason!
Your marriage was Tara,
and she plundered it! But don't you worry.
'Cause now that I've taken back
the matron-of-honor Melanie Wilkes parasol,
your ceremony is gonna be made in the shade.
- Seriously, Sharon? - Mm.
How can you talk about parasols at a time like this?
There is no ceremony. There's nothing to renew.
You following?
No one cares about the stupid matron of honor.
Except stupid old me.
Tell me, Carlene,
Is it stupid, then, to want nothing more
than to do a good job for you?
Well, I'm done being stupid... For good.
Wait! Sharon!
Leave me a toffee bar?
- Hell no! - Please, Sharon!
Don't go.
Now darling, you are not the first person
to think about shooting Carlene Cockburn.
You're just the first person to do it.
Mama, I'm not in the mood today.
Am I to believe all this sulking
is over the loss of that friendship,
or is there something else going on here?
Luke and I had a fight.
Well, that's perfectly normal for a new couple.
Just make sure you settle it the Dallas way...
he begs for forgiveness, you get jewelry.
I like it. Too bad all the blame's on me.
I got scared. I said some real judgy things.
Man, did I step in it.
Well, just wipe your shoes off and walk right back to him.
- He's gone. - Oh, please.
You're too fantastic to leave for long.
Meantime, wouldn't it be nice
to show him how good you are at being sorry with someone else...
say, like, his sister?
What? Carlene?
No. Never.
Fine. You best pull those covers up, then.
'Cause you're looking at some long, cold, lonely nights.
Fine. I will try again with her.
For Luke.
How do you apologize for shooting someone?
That is an etiquette conundrum
that you will not find in Emily Post.
You know, I have Dick Cheney's number someplace.
Blake, the world as we know it may be over.
Carlene's marriage might not be legal.
How's she taking it?
Oh, like Scarlett after Rhett bailed.
Poor wretched thing.
There's nothing worse than facing a future
that isn't what you thought it would be.
Something on your mind?
Babies.
Cricket...
Listen, I'm not gonna go there again.
I respect your choice,
and I'm fine.
As you know, I'm keenly aware of my lack of maternal instinct.
But that is not why I rejected your proposition on the plane.
I had an epiphany, Blake.
Sad, barren Heather showed me the light
just before I was about to take down a deer.
I am not afraid to have children with you.
I'm afraid to have children without you.
What are you talking about?
There are times I wonder if you realize
what adding another life to ours would mean...
18 more years of commitment,
here...
Together.
Of course.
I get it.
And I will not do to another human being
what my parents did to me. Splitting up is not an option.
I'd sooner put a bullet between those antlers
than put a child through that.
Cricket, I am always committed to you
and to this family,
and nothing will change that.
Let's have a baby.
You are my trophy buck of a lifetime.
You know that?
Who is it?
What are those?
Apology hydrangeas?
My mother thought they'd be appropriate for some reason.
Cheney was no help.
Look, I-I just came to say I'm sorry
for exposing the whole marriage license thing,
and not believing that you were really being nice to me...
And shooting you.
You should be...
Sorry.
Carlene, I am.
You were turning the other cheek,
and I was being pigheaded,
but I never meant to ruin your vow renewal.
And yet, you succeeded.
Do you have any idea what it's like
knowing that your entire marriage is a lie?
Actually, yeah. I do.
I might as well have shacked up with Ripp
17 years ago like a common whore.
Carmelita. Carmelita! I need you!
Yes, Ms. Carlene?
Take this trash away.
Okay, I'm going. You don't have to have me removed.
Not you, Amanda, these things.
I-I can't stand the sight of them anymore.
Just destroy 'em.
Carlene, it's your wedding dress.
You can't get rid of that.
Use it as rags.
Oh, the top tier of my wedding cake.
Ripp and I were gonna feed it to each other...
Naked... on our 20th anniversary.
Feed it to the poor. Go!
Carmelita? Carmelita?
Carmelita, stop. Hi.
I know Carlene told you to get rid of all these things.
But what if she changes her mind?
You know how unstable she can be.
Okay, you know what?
Maybe I'll just hold on to these
until she's feeling better, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Except for this wedding cake.
After 17 years, it just... it just... whoa! Aah!
Aah!
Holy matrimony.
Hello.
Um, I have a document emergency.
Don't bother.
I've pleaded my case for three hours.
I've gotten nowhere.
Okay. I got it. I got it.
Well, I guess we finally found something
you're not so amazing at, huh?
Lucky for you, I found this.
It was in Carlene's freezer for the last 17 years
in an empty box that was supposed to have
the top tier of her wedding cake.
I am guessing the stoner who lost it
got a case of the munchies.
Man, buttercream is like heaven when you're high.
Okay, you found it.
Good luck getting that guy to help you.
You're not a woman.
Hello, sir.
Um, I need a teeny, tiny favor.
See, there was a terrible miscarriage of justice
17 years ago, and only you can make things right.
I need you to file this marriage license...
Retroactively.
I see you're still expecting everyone
to make exceptions for you...
Amanda.
You don't remember me, do you?
Of course I do...
Angus. Angus Horvath...
From Hillside High.
We had some times, right?
We sure did.
Remember that time you asked me to go skinny dipping?
Oh, yeah. That was... fun?
For you, maybe.
While I was naked in the pool,
you bolted and had your big, jock boyfriend Bill
steal my clothes to humiliate me for no reason.
He's dead now, right?
I'm sorry, Angus.
I was a terrible person in high school.
I was mean to you. I was mean to everyone.
But now I'm trying to make things right.
You can help me if you just turn the other cheek.
Please.
I'll do anything.
All right.
Show me your ta-tas.
Wh... what?
Your boobies.
Never got to see 'em in the pool.
Okay, now... now wait a minute. It's...
This is for Carlene.
That was so worth it.
Now about that marriage license...
Call your sister. Tell her the wedding's back on.
This is ridiculous.
Grown women do not wear bows.
They do when it's my blessed day.
Uh, look who made it.
Heather, focus. These lips do not plump themselves.
Back off, Carlene. Heather's done her penance.
Besides, your pout is perfect.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Ever.
I am only here to drop off
my organic homemade birdseed sachets.
Wait, Sharon, don't go.
I... I owe you an apology.
Oh, really? Well, let's hear it, then.
Come. Come.
I'm sorry that I took your parasol away
and gave it to Amanda.
I guess I didn't realize what it meant to you.
And that is what stings.
We have been best friends forever,
and to have you pass me up year after year
as your matron of honor...
Starts to make a girl feel like she's not good enough.
Are you kidding me?
Back in high school, when you were voted most beautiful,
you were the girl I wanted to be.
Heck, I...
I went blonde because of you.
You did not.
I did so.
And if I'm being honest,
I've always been a little scared to share the stage with you.
I may sparkle, honey, but you shine.
My matron of honor,
if you're still up for it.
I may still have
my Melanie Wilkes hoopskirt in the car.
Well, fiddle-dee-dee.
- I love you so much. You're so pretty. - - You're so pretty.
Oh. Sorry.
Paperwork took forever.
Well, I guess I owe you a thank-you for saving the day,
and my marriage,
even if it was sort of your fault in the first place.
Don't thank me.
Amanda's the one who showed her breasts to a vindictive troll
on your behalf.
That's surely a sin.
At least you're using your boobies for good
and not for evil... This time.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Carlene.
I know it doesn't make up for everything.
Well, I guess we both have some making up to do.
But first, I have some vows to exchange.
Ready to start, ladies?
We're good to go, sugar!
- She's not the only one. - Mm.
Oh, heavens, no. Don't be silly.
You're wearing jeans.
So? It's just a vow renewal.
You'll ruin the whole theme.
Y'all can watch from here, though.
Can you step back?
Yeah, okay.
Okay. All right.
Oh, hey!
Dearly beloved,
we have assembled here in the presence of God
to evoke the blessing of our heavenly father
upon your marriage.
Okay, so you used to be a player,
and I used to be a bitch.
Maybe we could look beyond who we used to be
and just focus on who we are now.
Know why I call you "Ladybug?"
'Cause they eat other bugs for lunch.
I know who you are, Amanda Vaughn,
and I'm quite all right with it.
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