I love you too.
Hello and welcome to TV Burp.
Jamaican toddler on Eastenders.
Roxy, I'm scared. What's happened?
Yeah, man.
Sexual harassment at work for Elliot on Holby.
Are you listening to me? What?
I could have your job for this.
Look, if you'd left my equipment alone, you'd be fine.
And Nazi ticket barriers on The Tube.
The final countdown...
Wait a minute, who's that on the roof? About to jump.
From market stall to market leader,
Lord Sugar is a global success story.
Willing to invest when others won't,
now he's on the hunt for a new business partner.
Don't jump, Sir Alan! The recession will be over before you know it.
Sir Alan!
Dum de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum-dum!
Dum de-dum de-dum-de!
Mama, do the hump. Mama, do the hump-hump.
And one more bit. You're fired!
Yes, The Apprentice is back and this time,
Shuggs is looking for more than just someone to work with.
This is not about a job any more.
And just to be perfectly clear about this,
I'm not looking for a friend.
If I want a friend, I get a dog. I'm looking for a partner.
Ooh!
♪ Lord Shuggie and his apprentice sitting in a tree ♪
♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪
♪ If you marry him you'll be glad ♪
♪ Cos you'll get half of Amstrad ♪
So I've often wondered,
if I was one of the apprentices, what the best tactic would be.
I reckon it'd be best to keep a low profile.
Let me give you a warning.
Don't try and hide, because, you know,
we're not playing Where's Wally here.
Now he tells me!
So, let's meet the contestants.
and I will literally roar my way to the top.
No, Gabrielle! I didn't say anything!
I'm not an apprentice!
No! No, she's not a giraffe!
Sorry.
Yes. That Gabrielle's a handful.
The girls came up with the name Sterling for their team.
And Sir Alan was curious to know what their thought process was.
I understand that you've got yourself a team name of Sterling.
Yes, that's correct. How'd that come about?
Erm... I actually dreamt it the night before.
My friend gave me the idea in a dream.
Hmm, if they called the team after the dream I had last night,
it would've been called Unlimited Nando's Served By Amanda Lamb,
Only She Looks Different Cos Her Face Is A Biscuit.
Sort of like a hobnob, but with jam inside like a Jaffa Cake.
Which brings us to this week's Apprentice in a nutshell.
I got myself from a communist block of flats in Bulgaria
to the top of a skyscraper
in the heart of the financial city of London.
I shrewd, adaptable and have that raw business potential.
Bilyana...
you are fired.
Let's hope they haven't let the flat out in Bulgaria.
I must say, I did really like Nigel Havers' new Audrey backpack
on Coronation Street this week.
I can't neglect it. No, I know.
Just say no. We missed it out yesterday.
Yeah! I got one!
Ah, yes, the Audrey backpack.
In the backpack, you can keep your Ken Barlow sleeping bag.
Which will sleep up to 1,000 women.
Did you ever, Audrey? No, I certainly did not.
Four In A Bed now, and this week, they were over
visiting bed & breakfasts in France,
which Brummie George had taken to like a duck to water.
Whilst the hosts have tried some French flair with the decor,
they're less bothered with the language.
We have been quite lazy. Why would I want to speak French?
I'm English. I don't need nothing off them.
Hmm, you're struggling a bit with English there, to be honest, George.
Je m'appelle Tony.
Tricky accent, that, but I think I nailed it.
But by far my favourite was proprietor of Le Manoir, Tony.
I had a wee-wee in the potty. Oh, God.
Did you, Tony? Good boy.
Tony's greatest talent is to sing.
♪ La la la la laa
♪ Eeee
♪ The autumn
♪ Leeeeeaaaaaaaaaaves
♪ Drift by
♪ Myyyyyy ♪
Pick up the pace a bit, Tony.
♪ The autumn
♪ Leeeeeeeeeaaaaves
♪ Drift by the windooooooow ♪
It's a 45 RPM and you're playing on 33 and a third.
Tony just seems to love complicating things.
Had a job to go to the loo.
And if I actually got into the shower,
I had to switch it off and come out to turn round and go in backwards.
So... I'm just trying to picture that in my head.
You went into the bathroom to go to the loo
and if you actually got into the shower, you had to switch it off,
come out, turn around and go in backwards.
I can't see it. I just need to walk through it.
♪ The autumn
♪ Leeeeeeeaaaaaaaaves
♪ Drift by
♪ My windooooooow
♪ The autumn
♪ Leeeaaaaaaaaves
♪ Drift ♪ Yes, I've got it. I've got it. Yes.
Yeah, I just needed to walk it through.
Which brings to our least effective chopping of the week.
I must say, I'm surprised at the depths Emmerdale has sunk to
to try and improve the ratings.
Close your eyes and open your mouth. I've got a surprise for you.
What kind of show are you making here?
Oh, just a moment. I've just got to help someone out.
This was the fin-de-siecle.
The glamorous, decadent,
but also anxious end to the 19th century.
And the style was Art Nouveau.
Yes, this was Sex And Sensibility: The Allure Of Art Nouveau.
In which, Stephen Smith let us into all the saucy background
to the Art Nouveau movement. And at times, it was pretty raunchy.
Le metro, ladies and gentlemen.
Typically Paris.
Typically Art Nouveau.
The good citizens of Paris were shocked.
Entrances like bat wings.
Sinuous metals.
Sensuous curves.
Phwoar. Phwoar!
But you couldn't deny the appeal of some of the Art Nouveau designs.
Around the city, the dramatic jewellery of Rene Lalique.
The organic forms of Emile Galle's glass.
And the alluring femme fatale of Alphonse Mucha
dazzled the Paris crowds.
Now...
I like the dramatic jewellery of Rene Lalique.
I like the organic forms of Emile Galle's glass.
But then again, I like the alluring femme fatale of Alphonse Mucha.
But which is better? There's only one way to find out.
Fight!
See you after the break. Come on, Femme Fatale!
Welcome back to TV Burp.
John Baddeley suddenly sprouts
a great bit tuft of ear hair on Antiques Roadshow.
But we rarely ever see bathing costumes. Why is that?
Peter Barlow wears a vampire collar on Coronation Street.
You've not a cat in hell's chance of getting custody. Really?
Yeah, really. So you might as well just drop this.
And we find out Anne Widdecombe's vital statistics on Cleverdicks.
OK, Cleverdick, give me Widdecombe.
23, 9, 4-4, 5, 3, 15, 13, 2-5.
I thought it was more 1, 19, 32, 5.
I wonder what's going on down on You Deserve This House this week.
Riveting.
I'm not sure I'd watch it if it wasn't for the host.
Who's that? Well, let's find out.
My name's Amanda Lamb and I have a very lovely surprise for you.
It's Amanda Lamb!
♪ Amanda Lamb, Amanda Lamb ♪
No, no, no. We're not doing it this week. What did you say?
He said we're not doing it this week. No, no.
We've done it two weeks running, we've got nowhere to go with it.
I don't think we can top the stomach thing from last week.
- All right, then. - Aww!
No, I can't top it.
I do like Amanda's laugh, though.
You're going off on a little luxury mini-break.
In about five minutes. Everyone's in on it.
I can't believe it.
Everyone's in on it.
Yeah, I love Amanda's laugh.
♪ Amanda's laugh, Amanda's laugh
♪ Everybody loves Amanda's laugh
♪ In the shower ♪ Or having a bath
♪ Everybody loves Amanda's laugh
♪ Amanda's giggle ♪ No, Amanda's laugh
♪ Amanda's titter ♪ No, Amanda's laugh
♪ If you're in the bath then enjoy Amanda's laugh
♪ Lying on the bed or maybe sprawled out on the half
♪ Whether just a visitor or as a member of staff
♪ Posing in the bar drinking every half
♪ Everybody loves Amanda's laugh
♪ Nothing could be dafter than Amanda's laughter ♪
And the wardrobe, is it one of those deceptive ones?
It's actually quite big, isn't it? Wow! It's huge. Yeah.
♪ Amanda's laugh, Amanda's laugh
♪ Everybody loves Amanda's laugh
♪ Amanda's laugh, Amanda's laugh
♪ Everybody loves Amanda's laugh
♪ Oh, a moment still worth was a glow
♪ All the bells rang out there were tears of joy and laughter
♪ People shouted, let everyone know
♪ Here comes Amanda Lamb
♪ Amanda Lamb, Amanda Lamb
♪ Everybody loves Amanda Lamb
♪ First she presented A Place In The Sun
♪ Maybe not so popular with everyone
♪ Little Miss Lamb wouldn't hurt a mouse
♪ And now she presents You Deserve This House
♪ Amanda Lamb, Amanda Lamb
♪ Everybody loves ♪ Amanda Lamb
♪ Amanda Lamb
♪ Everybody loves Amanda Lamb
♪ Amanda Lamb, Amanda Lamb
♪ Everybody loves Amanda Lamb
♪ Amanda Lamb, Amanda Lamb
♪ Everybody loves Amanda Lamb ♪
But mainly it's her laugh I like.
Well, this week - Nice one. Well done, yeah.
This week, they were...
This week, they were busy laying a kitchen worktop in somebody's house
while they were out, and that bonding agent did look nice.
Firstly, the old sink and hob are taken out.
New ones will be fitted later.
The sides are cleaned down
and a bonding agent spread across the entire surface.
Mmm.
Oh, that is good, that.
Haagen Dazs bonding agent.
Mmm, mmm.
But, obviously, don't try this at home.
Like, duuuh!
As always - mmm - Amanda's team were up against it time-wise.
But Amanda refused to let anyone cut corners.
This whole wall was full of stuff
and now we've got that. We've got balance.
We've got balance? Yeah. We've got curtains here,
so you've got fabric - But you can't put nick-nacks on a curtain.
Yeah. She's wrong!
You can put Nik Naks on a curtain.
Yeah. It was, at times, extremely moving.
And isn't it embarassing when everyone else is crying,
but you can't manage to squeeze a tear out?
I just can't thank you enough. Hey...
I just want to say thank you so much.
It's not a problem, OK?
Be happy. Be happy.
No, nothing.
It's not a tear until it's come out of your eye, Mandy.
Dominic Littlewood's got a new show. What's it called, Dom?
Are you going to be a winner in a postcode lottery?
Postcode lottery. Postcode lottery. Postcode lottery.
Stay lucky in a postcode lottery. Postcode lottery.
Rubbish postcode lottery.
Postcode Lottery.
Yes, yes. And Dominic was looking into the scandal
of local authority allotments.
These days, a lot of people are trying to eat more healthy.
And save a few quid at the same time.
Which means they're turning to allotments.
You know, those council-owned plots of land
where your granddad used to hide away from your nan at weekends,
sitting in his shed, reading Fly Fishing by JR Hartley.
But demand has outstripped supply. Which means if you want one...
Don't tell me, it's a postcode lottery.
It's now a postcode lottery.
I thought it might be. Yeah.
But out of all the postcode lotteries
Dom looked into, one in particular caught my eye.
We're off to Liverpool now to discover the truth
behind the postcode lottery of canine excrement.
Eww.
Dom introduced us to Dean and Gemma,
who are at the cutting edge of a crack team of pooper scoopers.
But Dean and Gemma are only part of the team.
Because when you've got a really bad poop problem,
who are you going to call? Poo busters, of course.
With their hi-tech vacuum packs,
they locate and remove all the doody they can.
It was a machine that we came across through Keep Britain Tidy.
And for me, it was a no-brainer, really.
Yuck. Actually, Dom had a rather cheeky idea.
Because of its success, Liverpool Council tell us
that other councils are now looking at their methods.
I've got to be honest,
I'd like to secretly put one of those machines on reverse blow.
Yeah, nice idea!
I'll see if I can catch him out.
Dom? Hello, Harry!
Oh, there you are.
Yeah, my er... my pooper vacuum thingy,
it's erm... it's broken. It doesn't seem to be sucking like it should.
Let me have a look, Harry. Have a look, yeah.
It all seems fine to me, Harry.
Hey? It all seems fine to me. Let me have a look.
Ha!
Oh!
Oh, sorry!
Oh!
Ooh.
Whoops.
Sorry about that, Dom.
The problem with these things is there a bit of a postcode lottery.
Which brings us to our TV highlight of the week.
Eastenders now, and of course,
the big news from the square was a sudden death.
Phil, they said there's a body.
Go on, who is it?
Whose body did they find?
For heaven's sake, will somebody tell me something!
Heather's dead! All right?
Heather's dead!
Oh, dear, my own Heather, gone. And Shirley coped with it
by having a stab at the theme tune to Coronation Street.
No, Shirley, it's more...
Hang on a minute. Where's my tea towel? I had it here a minute ago.
That's my tea towel!
Oh, thanks very much.
Ah!
But er...
But if you're here,
who's she?
So what have you got to say for yourself, eh?
Er...
Sorry?
Couldn't we make a fresh start?
♪ I heard that you
♪ Settled down
♪ That you found a girl
♪ And you're married now
♪ I heard that your dreams came true
♪ Guess she gave the things I didn't give to you
♪ Old friend
♪ Why are you so shy
♪ Ain't like you to hold back
♪ Or hide from the light
♪ I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
♪ But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it
♪ I'd hoped you see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me
♪ It isn't over
♪ Never mind I'll find someone like you
♪ I wish nothing but the best
♪ For you too
♪ Don't forget me I beg
♪ I remember you said
♪ Sometimes it lasts in love
♪ But sometimes it hurts instead
♪ Sometimes it lasts in love
♪ But sometimes it hurts instead
♪ It hurts instead ♪
That's all from us. Goodbye!
It's over.