(Dog barking in distance)
(Panting)
I don't get it.
This never happened to me before...
except for this mornin' and last night...
and lunchtime yesterday.
It's fine, Ripp. I'm not in the mood anyways.
I know you, Carlene. If you're awake, you're in the mood.
Heck, you're even in the mood if you're sound asleep.
Oh, don't beat yourself up.
What's wrong, sugar? Something on your mind?
Other than sweet...
sweet lovin'?
I gotta blow off some steam.
Ripp? (Door opens)
Have you got through
all of Bill Vaughn's financial records yet?
What about his wife Amanda's Boobylicious employee paperwork
and the bank statements I sent you?
Well, I'm getting tired of waitin',
and you don't wanna see this oil man blow.
(Pat Green) ♪ Kill the horses ♪
♪ and steal their boots ♪
(Whoosh) ♪ mmm ♪
♪ sweet revenge ♪
Hey, kids! I'm home!
Movie and pizza in five! I got "terms of endearment"!
Family movie night is canceled.
No, we can't cancel. I got meat lover's!
Will! Laura!
They are out, socializing with people their own age,
which is what you need to be doing.
So we're going to the opera.
Opera's not people my own age. And why do I need to go out?
Now listen here, Amanda.
I have come to terms with your job.
I've even come to love jalapeño poppers.
But let me tell you something.
There is no way that you are gonna find Mr. Right
showing your pretties at Boobylicious.
You'll encounter much more suitable men at the opera.
and down here in Texas, that means you can
get back in the saddle just a little sooner.
Jason! Beau! Come meet Amanda.
Hello. Pleasure to meet you. I'm Jason.
- Hi... Beau. - Jason.
- Hello. - Beau.
You'll be thrilled to know they're your age.
And Jason is in oil, and Beau is in oil.
What a surprise. (Chuckles)
Well, I've got a new Valentino on your bed.
Go change, darling, and hurry up.
Curtain's at 8:00.
So sorry. I can't go to the opera with you, guys.
I'm so sorry. Uh, my husband died recently.
(Man) - Oh, no. That's awful. - It just doesn't feel appropriate.
It's "The Merry Widow"! It couldn't be more appropriate!
Have a wonderful time!
(Beep, phone rings)
Talk fast. I'm on the reformer.
I need advice.
There's a woman who subscribes to my Bible blog.
(Chuckles) She and her virile, devastatingly handsome husband
have lost their... intimacy.
Lately, he hasn't been able to rise to the occasion,
leaving her...
frustrated and very confused, trying to understand why.
Why? Why?!
Why are you asking me? From the way you talk,
Ripp knocks nickels out of you every ten minutes.
Well, that's exactly why I need advice.
I'm so used to total satisfaction,
I don't know what to do when it's not forthcoming.
Have you and Blake ever gone through something similar?
Can't say that we have.
Just Google "holy spirit" and "horny."
And check out the Bible bookstore.
Gotta go.
I gotta work on my neutral pelvis.
Oh, girl,
I hear ya.
(Beep)
You feel your hips getting stronger?
Watch this.
Um... I can't.
I got engaged.
Oh.
And how will this affect our, um...
workout schedule?
Well, I... (Chuckles)
I... I'm afraid this is gonna have to be our last session.
You know, if my fiancee ever found out, she'd freak.
But, you know, Kiki is so great.
You're gonna spend the rest of your life
with something named Kiki.
She just got a job managing Waco Workouts.
Yeah, we're relocatin'.
I mean, times are tough.
Opportunities like that, they don't come around too often.
I am parched. (Chuckles)
Would you mind getting me an agave smoothie?
Yes, ma'am.
(Chuckles)
(Speed-dialing)
Find out where Lance and Kiki are registered.
Send them a fabulous wedding gift.
And there's a chain of fitness centers
called Waco Workouts.
Buy them, tear them down.
Any calls?
No more pilates? But you enjoyed it so much.
Are you giving up working out?
Oh, no, no. I'm going back to Tae Kwon Do.
I've already made an appointment with my former instructor.
I remember you really liked him.
Very big. Tall. Asian.
Oh, yes.
Victor Ho Chi really used to put me through the ringer.
You can't let your physical well-being
slip through those cracks.
Cracks, huh?
Did you figure out what advice to give to your horny blogger
whose husband couldn't get his flag to fly?
Yes.
(Giggles) Yes, thank you for your suggestion
of the religious bookstore.
It seems Bibles 'n stuff has
an extensive relationship section.
Oh, Zack once bought me a guide to spicy scripture there once.
He thought it was a cookbook.
Mm-hmm. (Carlene and Sharon laugh)
Speaking of Zack,
have you confronted him about his tonsil hockey with Amanda?
No.
I've decided to relax
and commit to being a dutiful wife,
and probably everything's just gonna blow over.
The only blowing will be courtesy of Amanda Vaughn...
(Gasps) unless you cut off her water.
(John) - Afternoon, ladies! (Carlene) - Oh.
If you'll excuse me. Gotta put up my title.
(Carlene) I just love finding out
what the new sermon topic is.
The anticipation is so exciting!
Thank you, ladies, for your help with the landscape committee.
Well, after your homely on volunteerism,
the ladies and I decided to roll on up our sleeves
and drive Juan, Feliciano, and Jorge right on down here.
Awesome job, fellas!
As for the other men in your lives,
I'm looking forward to you and your husbands helping out
at Wednesday night's relationship fellowship.
It's the least we can do.
Can I count on your chili, Sharon?
3 alarm. Get ready to sweat!
I haven't been at Hillside Park United Memorial long,
but you gals are inspirational.
I consider your marriages to be
our congregation's best foot forward.
I'm living a lie.
Unlike you two, my marriage is a sham of deception and deceit.
"Love is patient"?
How am I supposed to be patient
when there's a blonde viper named Amanda
that has slithered into my matrimonial garden?
Sharon. Sharon!
Forget about the corinthians.
Let's go with Luke 10:19.
"I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions."
Scorpions. Right on.
You can have plenty of patience after you wreak your vengeance.
"Thy..."
(Mouths word)
Thou... I don't remember the exact verse,
but the Bible's just full of that kind of whup-ass.
Mm-hmm.
You ladies are right.
(Whispers) It's time I stomped on a snake.
(Chuckles)
One black-bottom booby bundled cake to go.
Okay, got the cake.
All that's left is one bottle of Navidad River Red.
According to my research, that's Andrew's favorite syrah.
Andrew Remington...
the Internet billionaire guy from high school?
Squillionaire, recently divorced, moving back to Dallas.
- And you're moving in on him? - No! It's not like that.
- Clearly! You're blushing! (Laughs) - Shut up!
No, we were just, um, lab partners in bio.
Oh, he was dorky back then but sweet.
- Mm. - He's really cute now. Look.
I'm showing him the Saddle Horn estate
as a reason to get together.
Chocolate and wine, the sunset...
(Inhales deeply) who knows?
In no way do I want this to come off as needy...
please don't get a boyfriend and desert me!
Why? That was completely independent.
(Chuckles) Totally self-assured.
(Laughs) It's just that, I wanna get out there, too,
and meet people and...
pull together some kind of social life.
Gigi thinks the opera is where it's at.
Gigi's insane.
Excuse me, please. (Door closes)
Well, well, well.
Look at who's here,
slingin' wings and... who knows what else.
What are y'all doing here?
Heather, this doesn't concern the unmarried.
Sharon, what can I do for you?
Well, you can start by keeping away from my man.
Look, Sharon,
I'm not your problem.
Your husband is, so you need to take it up with him.
And that is what makes a harlot a harlot.
They lie, even as they tempt men with their wanton ways.
Amanda Vaughn,
you are no better than Eve,
than Jezebel,
than...
(Whispers) - Salome. - Salome.
Really, Carlene?
Marriage is a scared institution,
and I will not be taken down by a fallen woman.
(Woman) Booby baskets!
(Gasps) Uhh!
Aah! Oh!
♪
GCB 1x03 - Love Is Patient Original air date March 18, 2012
Sync and corrected by atrn97g www.addic7ed.com
it is a bit of a fixer-upper, but it is a steal at $10 million
- and about as private as you can get. - Uh-huh.
And here's why they call it the saddle horn estate.
(Blusters) (Laughs)
Do you ride, Andrew?
A pony on my 5th birthday.
It's time we got you back in the saddle again.
(Blusters) Yeah, I don't know. (Laughs)
Is that a bottle of Navidad River Red?
Someone did their homework.
I'm very thorough when it comes to my clients.
♪
(Clink)
- Cheers. - Cheers.
(Horse whinnies) Mmm.
Did it come naturally,
turning yourself into what you are now,
all polished and effortless?
Huh?
No. No, not always.
'Cause sometimes I can't believe I own a car, you know,
let alone a Gulfstream.
(Laughs) I know!
I was such a total geek when we knew each other.
A total spaz...
- oh... - I got it.
Okay. Oh! (Thud)
- Oh, God. Are you okay? - Oh!
Uuuh!
- Ooh. I'm so sorry... (Clenched teeth) - I'm all right.
Oh.
Except I think...
(Gasps) Oh, my God.
It's just a crown.
I can get you some ice or something.
No.
- Nice house. Um... - Andrew...
- No, I gotta go... - Oh.
(Chuckles) To the dentist.
Oh.
Shoot.
Ya!
(Inhales sharply)
It's been some time since we sparred.
I hope you've been keeping up with your drills.
Aah!
Ya! (Grunts)
(Panting)
You tell me.
I've missed your kick.
(Giggles) Ooh!
(Door closes)
(Gigi) Once you get to know Amanda, you're gonna love her!
So much fun.
(Sighs) I know you mean well,
but stop trying to fix me up, for God sake.
Pastor Tudor, you remember my daughter Amanda.
You'll be happy to know I'm just here
to hit your mother up... for donations
for the homeless clothing drive, not to hit on you.
Oh, fur for the homeless.
It gets chilly under those overpasses.
You'll have to excuse my daughter.
She's a little prickly because she's an old maid.
Mother. (Chuckles)
I could help with that. Join the church singles group.
No, thank you.
I know what image gets conjured up
when people hear "church singles." (Chuckles)
But it's a terrific bunch,
so not the cantina scene from "Star Wars."
Oh, I don't think that.
I'm just... I'm not looking for a relationship right now.
Of course you are. You said last night. Remember?
You said that you were ready to dip your toe
back in the singles scene in a casual way.
I said "social," not "single."
Well, we're social and casual,
- but fun. - Oh.
Tomorrow night, I'm hosting an interactive event
aimed at, uh, making unattached people
feel spiritually and emotionally whole.
Divine.
- You must invite Heather. - Heather Cruz?
- That's right. She's desperate, too. - Done.
I'm gonna have to pass.
- Why would you pass? - Mm.
Unless, of course, you'd rather spend the evening here with me,
just the two of us, all alone, together...
for hours.
All right. We've given her enough of the hard sell.
But if you change your mind, Amanda,
and wanna see some friendly faces,
just follow the sound of Christian camaraderie.
Will do.
Night.
(Chuckles)
(Clears throat)
- Oh. Sorry. - Oh. No.
Nope. There's no original sin happening here.
(Thud)
This is killing me.
The lady at the Bible bookstore said
that Adam and Eve are the most popular biblical characters
for marital role-play.
(Grunts)
You can't get much hotter than Adam and Eve.
I just wish I could figure out why my bit won't drill.
What about Samson and Delilah?
I'm not wearing a wig.
This is a stupid idea.
(Crunching)
You ever notice how many couples in the Bible end up badly?
Maybe that's what's throwing us.
Name some happy couples.
Well, there's Mary and Joseph... once they worked through
that whole immaculate conception thing.
I'm so sorry, kitten.
Don't you put too much pressure on yourself.
I need to light your fire.
(Sighs)
I think I know how to get us back in the saddle.
Hmm?
(Grunts)
(Giggles)
I can't. The moment has passed.
(Cell phone rings)
Hey, it's business.
I'm gonna slip into something less biblical.
(Ring)
(Chuckles)
(Beep)
What do you got?
I went over Amanda Vaughn's paperwork you sent.
Unless she's some sort of criminal mastermind, she isn't
hiding any of her husband's stolen money.
The husband was the mastermind,
and I guarantee you he squared away cash.
And if he did, Amanda might know where it is.
Well, we're at a dead end.
Whatever she knows, she's got locked up
in that pretty little head of hers.
It's not like we can bust it open.
Well, then I'll have to handle it.
Believe me, if she has secrets, I'll find them.
Who has secrets?
(Beep)
We all do, darling. We all do.
(Crunches)
Hey.
Hi. You're home early.
Yeah. Things are kinda slow at the dealership.
I wish the cowboys were having a better season.
They buy more cars when they win.
Can I make you a sandwich?
No. I stopped off at Boobylicious and got some wings.
Well, I stopped off at Boobylicious to talk to Amanda
and I got hurt.
What?
When?
Yesterday. I woke up with a stiff neck.
Oh.
Well, that's a bummer.
What'd you want to talk to Amanda about?
You.
(Chuckles) What? What about me...
and Amanda?
Well, um...
I just wanted to make sure she's serving you a green salad
with every booby basket.
Aw. Well, that's sweet of you.
Yeah.
(Sighs)
(Beeps)
(Telephone rings, beep)
Texas Chili Council culinary hotline.
This is Bethany May. How may I serve you?
Hello, Bethany May.
I have a chili conundrum. I need some advice.
Mm-hmm.
I have a 16-pound beef batch, half-round, half-chuck,
fresh tomatoes, oregano,
a hint of cumin, heavy on the onions.
We going spicy?
Scotch bonnets. My first time.
Stand back, baby. What do you need to know?
Do I use the seeds or do I use the membrane?
Membrane. Anything else?
Do I chop or do I mince?
We have a motto... if you want the heat to stay, puree.
Well, thank you, Bethany May.
You are so authoritative and wise.
Any more advice?
Should I tell my husband I know he kissed another woman?
Absolutely.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
But I'm scared.
- Why? - Because if I confront him,
it might open the door for him to leave me.
Woman, you're cooking
with one of the hottest chili peppers know to man.
Stop whining and yank that man's chain.
Thank you, Texas Chili Council.
Thank you.
(Beep)
(Telephone clatters)
(Carlene) Yoo-hoo!
I was in the hood and thought I'd pick up
Ripp and I's uniforms for tonight's charity event.
Here is Ripp's.
- And here's yours. - Thank you.
They're really cute.
Of course they are. I designed 'em.
(Chuckles)
Let's hope they bring some light into those sad people's lives.
So, Cricket...
how'd Tae Kwon Do go?
Most thorough workout I've had in years.
Oh, yeah. She came home a different woman.
All her tension vanished.
All your tension,
all your frustration,
your uncontrollable urge
to claw the wall with your fingernails is...
Gone?
Fully released.
Huh.
And what are you looking
to get out of the martial arts, Mrs. Cockburn?
Usually, I'm a very peaceful person,
but lately, I have a tension building in me,
and I'm about to go Krakatoa.
For beginners, I like to start with a little history.
Let's just get to the good stuff, you know, the slappin'
and smackin' and rollin' around on the mat.
Do to me what you did to Cricket.
I understand your request...
Yeah.
But I'm a legitimate teacher.
The level at which I train with Mrs. Caruth-Reilly
took years to achieve,
took trust, took discipline.
Can't it just take cash? Oh, please.
Just make me feel half as good as she does.
Money's no object.
Damn this global recession.
(Punch thuds) (Victor) Aah!
You could hurt somebody with that. Aah!
(Groans)
(Horns honking)
(Shifts gear, turns off engine)
I thought we were getting mani-pedis.
I lied. You look great. Get out of the car.
- You lied. Why? - There's an event
at the church tonight... a supper...
for singles.
Oh, hell, no. I already shot that down.
Your mother asked pastor Tudor to invite me,
and at first, I said "no way,"
and then he mentioned that Andrew Remington was comin'.
- It's fine. I'll walk home. (Speaks indistinctly) - No, look, okay, look,
- I'm sorry. I knew I'd never get you... - It's fine.
to come to anything like this unless I ambushed you.
I really like this guy.
I could use the moral support.
Or...
we could go straight home. I didn't mean to upset you.
No, it's not you. It's Bill.
I got a package from him yesterday.
Actually, from the U.S. Marshals,
who confiscated all of our things back in Santa Barbara.
Oh, my God.
What was in it?
A family picture and a note.
On the day my husband died running off with my best friend
and millions of dollars of embezzled money,
the jerk wrote me a note,
asked for my forgiveness,
begged me to understand, like I ever could.
Okay. So how do I get your mind off of that?
We say "screw it"
and follow the sound of Christian camaraderie.
- Let's go. - Let's go.
Tonight, singles, we're gonna veer
from our routine of chitchat and light scripture.
Thessalonians 4:11 commands us to work with our own hands.
To that end, I ordered a hands-on seminar
from the folks at onwardchristiansingles.org.
Each activity's designed to open us up to that special someone.
(Lowered voice) I thought tonight was about
single people being okay with being single,
not a how-to workshop on dating.
To help out, I've asked three couples from the congregation
to serve as aspirational group leaders.
And here they are now...
Zack and Sharon Peacham...
Ripp and Carlene Cockburn...
Blake Reilly and Cricket Caruth-Reilly!
Here they are...
your Hillside Park marriage all-stars!
(Woman) Whoo!
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna kill you.
Some of you may already know our marriage all-stars,
but tonight we're gonna hear how God's love binds 'em.
But first, let's start this evening with a blessing.
(Blake) Mm-hmm.
Heavenly father, thank you for being our plus-one
in life everlasting... (Whispers indistinctly)
(Lowered voice) - Hey, Heather. - Hey.
How's it going?
Uh, how's your incisor?
Bicuspid. I'm fine.
Oh, good.
Holy matrimony.
Amen.
- Amen. (All) - Amen.
Now without further ado...
We are Cricket Caruth-Reilly and Blake Reilly,
and together, we run over 30 companies worldwide,
and we are here to tell you about
the tax breaks that come with saying... "I do."
"Our marriage is a business," we like to say.
(Both) Our marriage is a business.
We say it. We say it a lot.
I love you, Heather, but I'm not getting relationship advice
- from these women. I'm going. - Zack Peacham here.
Not only am I a marriage all-star,
I was an all-state linebacker, drafted by the cowboys
in '95... hey, Amanda. Where you going?
(Microphone feedback whines) This seat's free.
Okay.
Sharon Peacham, here for the food.
- Yeah. (Carlene) - Howdy, all y'all singles.
I'm proud to say I'm Mrs. Ripp Cockburn,
but you can call me Carlene. (Giggles)
Mm-hmm. And I'm Ripp Cockburn.
And tonight, maybe we'll uncover some secrets...
Ooh!
To the secrets to love.
- Aw. Isn't he just a big old softie? (Laughs) - Mm-hmm.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Bible tells us that God loves you just the way you are,
but I'm here to tell you, he'd prefer you if you was married.
(Laughs) Anyways,
that is what we're trying to do.
Take the sin out of being single.
O-okay. (Chuckles) Thank you.
- Thank you. All right. Thank you, Carlene, - Mm-hmm.
- for that fervent message. - Sure.
Uh, let's not forget... Jesus was a single adult, too.
(Lowered voice) Um, that's not the prepared intro
that came with the seminar kit.
(Lowered voice) Oh. Was that set in stone?
(Whispers) I was looking at it more as a jumping-off point.
I appreciate that, but let's just stick to the script.
(Normal voice) Okay, uh, time to break
into small groups so we can really dig in
and service your specific situations.
Now if you've never been married...
you're an "always alone"...
and you're with us.
And if you were married before and aren't anymore...
you're "alone again," so stay right here.
And we'll be in the kitchen with the food.
Okay. (Laughs)
All right. Okay. Let's go. Come on. (Laughs)
(Lowered voice) I could pinch Carlene's baby-doll head off
for getting us into this.
(Lowered voice) I know. Here's what we're supposed to say.
All right, faster we move through this,
faster we're cocktailing at home.
How does a Kumquat Margarita grab you?
Let's jam.
Mm. (Chuckles)
(Cricket chuckles)
"Ladies and gentlemen, have you been sexing it up all over town,"
"Booty calls, no strings attached?"
"Well, there were strings attached..."
"To your immortal soul, so knock that behavior off."
"For the rest of you who have entered into relationships"
"with open hearts, only to watch them fail over and over again..."
"insert name here, you're nodding."
Babe, you need...
Oh, uh, um, Heather. Heather, you're nodding.
No. No, I wasn't.
- Yes, you were on the inside. - Mm-hmm.
"Look at you. You're exhausted, husbandless,"
"on the brink of giving up." "But don't quit."
"Heather, reboot. Press that refresh button"
"so your perfect soul mate can pop up in your in-box. How?"
"By reclaiming your virginity."
Oh.
(Murmuring)
Hello!
Welcome, "alones again."
(Laughs) We are gonna start...
Heather, darling, I think you're in the wrong group.
No, I... I actually tried the other one, and it's not for me.
Besides, I qualify as "alone again."
Don't I know it. (Chuckles)
But this kind of alone is for people who are actually able
to pull off getting married and are only now single.
It's no big deal. Just let her stay.
I'd be happy to,
but as one of sweet, solitary Heather's dearest friends,
I pray nightly for her to find
the love and security of male companionship.
Now she won't find it in this activity,
but down-the-hall's activities
are specifically designed for her chasm-like needs...
Carlene, I'll go.
(Whispers) Okay.
(Microphone feedback whines)
See you at dinner.
- I'll save you a seat. - Okay.
Oh. (Laughs)
Now then, if you're in this circle,
you've been married before. Are you lost?
Are you damaged?
Come on now. Let's hear some stories.
Amanda.
Maybe you'd like to start.
Um...
my name is Amanda Vaughn,
and my husband died.
God love her, Amanda's husband was an adulterer and a criminal,
and then he died.
Thank you, Carlene, for stepping that out for everyone.
Go on, Amanda, I'm all...
we're all ears.
It's true. My hus... Bill betrayed me.
And I would love to have closure,
but I don't know how to get it.
We are gonna fix that right now,
with the help of your new best friends. Honey?
I want you to take one of these and write down everything
that your former husband or wife has done to hurt you...
every dirty little secret, every major betrayal.
Now don't hold back. Put down every single detail
of anything anybody ever did wrong to you.
Yeah, we're gonna stuff 'em in these piñatas,
beat the puddin' out of 'em, and bingo!
Remarried in less than a year. (Laughs)
(Lowered voice) Sugar, cover me.
The lord's work is calling me elsewhere.
All right, folks.
Let's see what's locked up
in those pretty little heads of yours.
Hey, Blake, quick chat?
Yeah, fire away.
As you know, God often calls me to help those in need.
Yeah, you're a fine Christian woman.
I try. Now the person in need is your wife,
as in I'm not sure she's getting what she needs.
I don't understand. What's Cricket not getting?
It. She's not getting it in the bedroom, Blake,
so she's got some Tae Kwon Do trash pinning her to the mat.
Have you talked to Cricket?
And destroy our friendship?
Now you know I consider Cricket a sister in the spirit,
but corner her,
and she's nastier than a hornet's nest.
So I brought these...
because the husband is the spiritual, emotional,
and sexual leader of the household.
My prayer is that you'll be able to handle the situation
without there ever becoming a situation...
(Whispers) about the situation.
I don't feel I've overstepped because I love you both so much.
Maybe these'll help.
Praying for you.
Marriage all-star. All-star line privileges. (Toilet flushing)
Married woman coming through.
Cricket.
We need to talk.
That is the last time we volunteer
to be a happily married couple.
The singles here are creepy.
So are these.
Christian self-help books for the bedroom.
- Where'd they come from? - Carlene.
She just gave me a talking-to about my husbandly duties
and suggested I start performing
'cause my wife's been walking on the wild side.
I never said a thing to Carlene.
Well, she knows you're tripping your Tae Kwon Do instructor
and beating him to the ground.
You have any idea how this makes me look?
Well, hold on. It's my reputation at stake, not yours.
No, you don't get it. If she figured out what you're doing
with your trainers, how long until she figures out
what I'm doing with my ranch hands?
(Scoffs) Calm down.
Carlene has enough tongue for ten rows of teeth,
and she's gonna be wagging it all over town.
You were sloppy, Cricket. You messed up.
(Sighs)
Or maybe I made things simpler for the both of us.
People will spread the word that I'm an adulteress,
and it'd be a cut-and-dried divorce.
No one would ever question your moral integrity.
You could spend all your time at the ranch,
and I could start working out the way normal women do.
Do you know how putting on this act makes me look...
or feel?
Didn't think so.
(Mouthing words)
Well, now...
(Sets chair down)
you sure have a lot to get out, huh?
(Pen scribbles)
It does feel good getting this off my chest.
Hey, Amanda, does "control-freak nitpicker" have a hyphen?
No. You must have so much anger towards Bill.
You know what's strange?
It was starting to fade until he popped up again.
What's that?
Oh, nothin'. Don't mind me.
(Pen scribbling)
Look, if you ever need a shoulder, mine's big.
That's what friends are for.
Well, thank you so much,
but I have to do this on my own.
Finished.
Well, let's uh, figure out a way to hang this bad boy, huh?
Hey, I'll go get string.
- Oh. - Okay.
(Sighs)
Huh.
Hmm.
(Grunts)
(Door opens) (Hums)
Oh, Cricket. (Door closes)
Someone threw out my flyers for my charity.
That's so odd.
I just saw Amanda Vaughn dump a stack of papers
in that very same garbage bin.
Oh. Well...
I hope Amanda someday learns to control her rage
and insecurity.
Speaking of rage,
I just got off the phone with Victor at the Dojo.
He had such bizarre things to say about you.
I thought there must be a misunderstanding,
but then Blake told me what you said.
Bible marital guides? (Chuckles)
He found "parting the red sea" particularly unsettling.
I finally managed to calm him down, thank goodness.
I just did what I felt was right.
I'm just thinking about you, Cricket.
Oh. You know, I only took up martial arts
because I need to gain
the emotional and physical discipline necessary
to keep up with
my husband's insatiable demands between the sheets.
Well, I asked Victor to give me your same workout,
and he tried to touch my Tae Kwon Do.
Carlene, stop projecting sin onto others.
Huh?
You're the one complaining about being tense,
needing a release.
That's why you went to Victor... to get frisky.
No, that isn't true.
You've become delusional
because you can't make Ripp's steeple stand up.
(Gasps) Oh.
Fix your own marriage.
Leave mine alone.
(Gasping)
(Blender whirring)
(Turns off blender)
That's a lot of pepper.
Well... we are feeding the multitudes, darlin'.
When the timer dings,
put a smidge of that pepper in each batch.
(Knife chops) Zack?
Yeah? (Clears throat)
(Inhales deeply) This is very difficult for me to say,
but I need to ask you somethin'.
(Timer dings)
And what I want to talk to you about is you and...
(door opens) Amanda.
Um, don't mind me.
(Door closes) I'm just looking for some string for the piñatas.
Sharon, your chili smells amazing.
- You want a taste? - No.
Her mouth is never going on anything of mine again.
What do you mean by that?
(Mouth full) Nothing.
Now get out!
Sharon...
(gasps)
Sharon, what's wrong?
(Gasps) Zack, you put all of that pepper in the pot?!
You told me to. (Gasps and exhales deeply)
Hey. There's some string, Amanda.
I said use a smidge!
What the hell is a smidge?
- Hey, Sharon, dairy snuffs out chili heat. - Aah!
Say your peace to that man or burn like hell.
You kissed Amanda! (Gasps)
(Panting)
Thanks for the twine.
(Gags)
(Sniffles)
(Crying) (Door closes)
Sharon.
Now you know I... I... I never mean to hurt you.
Well, you did.
Please, Sharon. You gotta understand.
Well, I don't.
I've given you everything... a home, two children.
This is the life you've always wanted!
I'm not so sure about that.
No.
(Crying) (Door opens)
(Door closes)
Write down the names of all
your sexual partners,
and put them in your chastity pots.
Hey, Crick, about before...
Fire.
"Fire is purifyin'."
"Soon you'll be refreshed,"
"ready to love."
"Virgins anew."
(Flames whooshing)
All right, everybody got their piñatas filled with secrets?
Good. Now listen up.
When you're done smashin',
you turn around, you file right out of here,
you don't look back. It's, uh, symbolic-like.
Um, what's happening
with all the slips of personal information
that are gonna be scattered all around?
I'm in software development,
and privacy issues are kind of a thing for me.
Who cares? It's all going to get mixed up together anyway.
Nobody's gonna know whose is whose.
Let's get to bashing.
I want closure.
Ripp.
Hold on, everybody.
(Lowered voice) This is ridiculous.
What does any of this have to do with relationships?
Slapping piñatas?
Oh, you know what they're doing across the hall?
Setting fires.
Yeah. Let's get this over with. Here we go. Come on.
Feet planted, sticks up. On my count.
A-one, a-two...
Adios, Bill.
(Alarm ringing)
Don't panic. 9-1-1. (Bats clanking)
File out this way. Follow me, carefully.
(Alarm continues ringing)
Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. (Siren whoops)
Appreciate your work, really. Hey, thanks for coming.
- False alarm. - Good time.
Hope everybody had a good time. You have a good time?
All right. Hey, thanks for coming, appreciate it.
You had... ladies, you, uh, great job.
Really, it was, uh, really great. Hey, thanks for coming.
Amanda.
Oh! I'm pretty sure this belongs to you.
Oh. Oh, you didn't have to... do that.
My pleasure. Listen,
I don't know all of what old Bill did to you,
but, uh, well, I hope you can get past it.
Thanks.
(Police radio chatter)
(Both sigh)
Some night, huh?
(Chuckles) Yeah. Um...
you know, b... being single in Dallas isn't really like this.
I don't really know what this was.
It was a chance to see you again.
Hope it's not the last.
Maybe we could get together
sometime and do something normal that...
(siren wailing in distance)
Uh... somethin' like that. (Gasps)
Give you a lift?
Sure did.
Come on. (Car engine starts)
(Crickets chirping)
(Sniffling)
I deserve that look.
(Exhales deeply) And that one, too.
(Sniffles)
Please let me explain and maybe I can make things better.
I've been thinking a lot about life... (Sighs)
and it's awful.
What's awful? Thinkin' or our life?
No, my life.
I thought it was fine until Amanda came back,
and then I don't know.
It's not even her.
I mean, I don't even know her now.
I... I... I don't even want to.
Well, that's a step in the right direction.
I guess it's 'cause she hasn't changed hardly a bit
since high school.
It reminds me how I was.
My glory days.
Makes me embarrassed...
and sad.
I was drafted by the cowboys.
Everybody said I was gonna be the linebacker of the decade
until that Sunday when my knee blew.
Selling cars was not part of my dream.
- Am I? - Sharon.
From the moment we were crowned at prom,
I swear,
every time I imagined how my life would be,
you were at my side.
And now I hurt ya.
Can you forgive me?
(Chair scrapes floor)
Where are you goin'?
(Spoon clatters)
You're not the only one with glory days, Zack.
And maybe mine are still ahead of me.
(Footsteps retreat)
I'm sorry.
You deserve a man who can give you everything,
not slap you on the wrist for wantin' more.
No marriage is perfect.
No, this isn't what you wanted,
not when you were 21 and saying "I do."
Because I was afraid, because I've always been afraid.
You've spent years keeping a secret.
It's not ours.
It's mine.
It is ours...
this marriage,
this family...
is ours.
And they mean more to me than you will ever, ever know.
But I swear,
if you walked out that door tomorrow,
I would have nothing but love and gratitude
for the life you gave me.
Three different men proposed marriage to me before you did.
- Did I ever tell you that? - No.
Two of 'em liked my money.
Like I'd be stupid enough to give it to 'em.
One had his own, hated my ambition.
No one,
no man, including my father...
ever loved me for who I am...
except for you.
So I am fine...
right here.
Me, too.
Mm.
(Sniffs and sighs)
Wh...
Hmm?
Is that you?
Oh! Thank God.
- Found the remote. - Oh.
(Turns on TV) (Man) I'll get him off the train.
(Whimpers)
(Footsteps approach)
(Sniffles)
Kitten?
- Huh? - Are you cryin'?
(Sniffles)
Why?
Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.
Are we coming apart?
I've still got plenty of glue. Trust me.
Well, then what is it?
Why is... this not workin'?
I think I know, but you're just too kind to be honest.
Oh, I'm not that kind.
It's me, isn't it, Ripp?
I'm the reason that you can't take the bull by the horns.
I'm older, I'm less dewy fresh than I used to be.
Just tell me how to fix it.
Dr. Smithbriar does a new procedure
where he sucks fat out of my buttocks
and injects it under my eyes.
Stop it. It's not you.
What then?
It's Bill Vaughn.
What?
He stole from me... millions.
Came down here, got me to invest in his Ponzi scheme,
and it's the last time I ever saw him.
Dear lord.
Are we poor?
No. Darling, we're still very, very rich.
We're just not very, very, very rich.
You poor angel.
You've been carrying this weight all by yourself.
Why didn't you tell me? I'm your wife.
I'm supposed to lighten your load.
Well, I was ashamed, and I didn't want you to know.
Honey.
Losing anything makes me feel like less than a man.
Poor thing.
I was consumed with finding out what Amanda knew
when I should've been consumed in you.
I love you just the way you are.
Don't you dare go sucking any fat out of that hindquarter.
Oh! Okay.
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
I feel better.
Good.
You know, confession is good for the soul.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Good for other things, too.
Oh!
Ooh! (Giggles)
Oh, I feel a weight has definitely been lifted.
(Laughs) Oh, okay. All right.
Whoo! (Laughs)
(Squeals)
Aah!
What the heck is that?
This is Bill.
Sort of. Um,
by smashing it, it's supposed to set me free from him.
I'll get my putter.
(Footsteps approach)
I'd like to take a swing at Bill myself.
You know, I was sitting at home being a good wife,
and my husband was lying to me.
What a liar he was!
Lies upon lies upon lies!
(Gasps) Oh.
(Panting)
Sorry I pushed you out there.
That won't happen again. I swear. I promise.
Sorry.
You'll be ready when you're ready.
(Voice breaking) You know what, mama?
I think I am.
Oh, that felt damn good.
Mm.
(Laughing)
"Your nose hair looks like a yak's ass." (Laughs)
"You had sex with my sister. Twice."
These aren't mine.
Then where are yours?
"Bill, I wish you would go away for good."
"Leave me alone. I'm not gonna let you hurt me again."
"Bill, you suck."
It doesn't even seem like
Amanda's talking about a dead man.
What if...
she isn't?
I mean, what if old Bill
pulled an even bigger con?
He was headed for the border when his car allegedly crashed.
South America's full of people who've faked their own deaths.
Tonight, in an unguarded moment,
she said something about him popping up again.
Then she got flustered and zipped her lip.
My stars and garters.
If this is true, Bill Vaughn's alive
with our money.
And we're gonna find him.
Sync and corrected by atrn97g www.addic7ed.com