Hi, I'm Kim Kardashian.
I wish I was famous like Kim Kardashian.
I wish I was famous like her butt.
Kim Kardashian!
Now you can be...
Wow.
With the Kardashian Kraze Board Game.
It's all the fun of being a
Kardashian without having to
make a deal with Satan.
First, pick your favorite Kardashian.
I want to be Kim.
No, I want to be Kim.
You're the prettiest.
You get to be Kim.
You're Khloe.
But I don't want to be Khloe.
Neither does Khloe.
Press the pop-o-matic bubble butt and let the fun begin.
I get to make a sex tape.
Oh.
Move ahead four spaces and
get botox.
Ow.
Yes, I get paid $18 million
to get fake-married to an athlete.
It's our mom, Kris Jenner.
You need to lose weight.
You're ruining our brand.
I hate being Khloe.
I made Bruce Jenner's face move.
Oh, no, Kim.
Lose a turn.
My douche-bag boyfriend got me pregnant.
Collect one baby and two
magazine covers.
Yes, I got the divorce card, the D.U.I. card, and the "America Hates You" card.
You're a national disgrace.
You win!
Yes.
The Kardashian Kraze Board game, for ages five and up.
I'm Kim Kardashian.
I'm Lady Gaga.
I'm Paris Hilton.
I'm Katy Perry.
I'm Drita!
Tonight, I hit a ride with Justn Bieber.
When's the last time you did sex?
Had a boob fight with the Mob Wives.
Bitch!
And worked the pole with Kendra.
Stevie TV!
Because my name's Stevie, and I'm the television show.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru
Dude, I've finally done my own television show!
So weird!
Usually it's been my Sunday nights watching VH1 and now I'm on it!
Hi, mum!
No, but seriously I love television.
Especially reality TV.
And fact, I love it so much, that sometimes
I'm actually talking confessions.
When I told that camera, that I'm sometimes talking confessions
I felt really judged.
But I'm not here to make friends, so [bleep] that camera.
But honestly, I am so stoked to have my own
television show without having to sleep with the gross, old dude.
You could always come up to the mansion, baby.
I just had to make comedy videos online, which is actually
twice as depressing, so...
♪ She's slutty ♪
♪ And mommy and booby ♪
♪ And wild ♪
♪ She laughs ♪
♪ A lot ♪
♪ And booby, so booby ♪
♪ Just have a spin on the pole ♪
♪ She broke up with hef ♪
♪ Who smelled like mold ♪
♪ Just keep dancing ♪
♪ At the end of the day ♪
♪ You got to pop that booty ♪
♪ Your way ♪
♪ Go, Kendra, go, Kendra ♪
♪ You still a slut mom ♪
Today's gonna be a really crazy
day, because we're moving again.
And I have to shoot a commercial
for the ho-flex home stripper gym at my house.
Hank, did you pack the Xanax?
I'm really stressed out about
being a mom and a ho at the same time.
It's a lot of work.
I don't know.
Where's our baby?
I told you, I can't watch the pole and the baby at the same time.
You have to pick one.
Kendra, stop laughing.
I'm serious.
Jesus, Hank.
That's my serious laugh.
I have several different laughs for each emotion.
This is "I feel fat."
This is "I feel horny."
And this is "I feel fat and horny"...
Which is the one I feel most of the time.
Are you really trying to do this commercial still?
That's about it.
You're all packed up and ready to move.
Oh, no, unpack it.
We're missing our baby.
That doesn't seem funny.
It's my "I'm super nervous
because my baby's missing...
am I a bad mother?" Laugh.
- Show me your boob. - Okay.
There's a box marked "baby" right there.
Oh, oh, there you are.
There you are.
I'm so excited, I have to do my slut roll.
Go, Kendra.
Go, Kendra, go, Kendra.
Kendra has this thing where she can't stop dancing.
Every time somebody's yelling, "Go, Kendra, go, Kendra," it's a real problem.
Go, Kendra, go, Kendra.
Go, Kendra. Never stop, Kendra.
This summer, from the creators of Pretty Little Liars,
The Secret Life of The American Teenager, and The Lying Game,
ABC Family presents something like you've never seen before...
Beautiful Teenage Liars and Their Secret Game of Lies.
A dark secret...
Where's Madison?
She's gone.
And I think I just heard her scream.
Should we tell an adult?
Don't be stupid.
Lying is the answer.
Lies.
A complicated plan...
Hey, girl, you better check your text.
Guys, did you see this?
"I'm watching you and
will kill you while you watch me watch myself kill you."
Why don't we just call the telephone company and find out who it is?
No, we'll handle this ourselves...
By lying.
And sometimes you have to lie
even if you don't know why you're lying.
I got an "A" on my chemistry exam.
No, you better lie about that.
Just because.
But sometimes things are what they seem...
Except they're lies.
And sometimes the lies we tell ourselves are
the secrets others told us not to tell... to anyone.
So you want me to switch lives with you?
No, I want you to switch lives with me.
Great idea.
Or is it?
And sometimes four twins have
to lie to each other about which twin they really are.
All right, secret twins, let's keep the lies straight.
I'll take over your life in Vegas.
You take over her life in Phoenix, and you run away to
Los Angeles and google our long-lost mom.
Let's just pass a life to the left.
Fine.
Oh, great. Now I have to get a new board.
Beautiful Teenage Liars and Their Secret Game of Lies...
This Monday at 8:00.
Wait. We lied.
It's on at 9:00.
My name's Katrina.
I'm 15 years old, and I don't give a [bleep].
My mom can kiss my ass, 'cause
I'm gonna have a baby, no matter what.
I threw my grandma out the window, 'cause she's ugly.
I'm proud to say I've already
had gonorrhea and syphilis five times.
I've been smoking cigars since
I was three years old.
One time I stole semen from a
sperm bank so I could get pregnant with it.
I had sex with a hot dog and a banana.
Hell, yeah, I'd let R. Kelly Pee on me.
My teachers all gave me "F"s in
school 'cause they want to [bleep] me.
I've had sex with over 800 people, because I look like Angelina Jolie.
What?
I knocked the [bleep] out of my mom.
That's 'cause she's a dumbass, stupid, [bleep] [bleep].
I even ate a piece of poop one time.
I dropped out of school so I could be on bang bus.
One time in class, I stole a syringe from
the diabetic girl and stabbed her with it.
Coming up on Stevie TV...
A Mob Wife smackdown.
[Bleep] whore.
Hey, respect is respect.
And disrespect is disrespect, Drita.
And Katy Perry's explosive new video.
And later, Justin Bieber gives us a ride on his bang bus.
I just did sex 15 minutes ago.
Coming up on Stevie TV.
So my older brother is kind of a pussy, and when he found
out that I was making fun of Mob Wives, he actually deleted
his Facebook so Drita couldn't find him and kill him.
His name's Eric Ryan, and he lives at [bleep] [bleep] [bleep].
And this week episode threatened took a break some bity Cameras Axe
and did some type of reptile-loser photoshoot.
Or Big Aunt shows her natural beauties.
Call me old-fashoined, but I've missed a good times,
when Drita and Reene were in love, and then they called each other - cute patnies
like whore or [bleep] sexy.
You have a collect call from [bleep].
- Who do you think it is? - A prisoner in NY state penitentiary.
What's going on with yous, Lee?
What kind of question is that?
What do you think's going on with yous, you dumb [bleep]?
I'm in [bleep] prison.
I love you. How are the kids?
They're good.
Renee's having a dinner party tonight for us girls.
I'm making your grandmother's stupid [bleep] baked ziti.
Who's gonna be all there? Karen?
Yeah, Karen. Why?
Why are you always asking about Karen?
Are you still [bleep] in love with Karen, Lee?
Are you [bleep] Karen in jail?
I dated her 20 years ago, and
I don't like you hanging out with that dirty [bleep] [bleep].
I love you. How's the house?
For tonight's dinner party, I'm gonna be making a recipe
from my ex-boyfriend Lee, who Drita is now married to, but I'm totally over.
I only bring it up because I'm still in love with him.
Oh, look, Drita and Karen, yous both brought [bleep] ziti.
Didn't yous talk?
You bitch.
Don't act so hard.
Your husband's in jail for tax evasion.
Because that's the only thing
they could get him on, you half-rat bitch.
Yeah.
I was gonna put that bitch in the hospital.
I'm talking ambulances.
I'm talking brain surgeons, probably asian, maybe jewish.
All right?
I'm talking inspirational movie made about you, a 5K run in your honor.
That's how hard I go.
I'm Drita.
Okay, girls, relax.
[Bleep] whore.
Hey, respect is respect.
And disrespect is disrespect, Drita.
Excuse me.
I have an appointment.
Crazy bitches.
But you invited us here.
I have an appointment for an emergency face-lift.
The girls are gonna be amazed at how young I look in an hour.
Don't [bleep] talk to me.
Karen, is this Lee's grandmother's baked ziti recipe?
I'll kill you, you ziti-stealing rat bitch.
Girls, it's me, Renee.
I know.
I look like an 18-year-old playmate.
I thought she looked really good.
I never have anything interesting to say.
Mm, is this Lee's grandmother's recipe?
Yuck. What a mess?
Don't you just hate trying to clean up spills?
Dish towels are hard to handle.
Paper towels seem to have a mind of their own.
Oranges are just plain useless.
And mops always seem to be just out of reach.
Whoa!
Don't you wish there was a solution as close as your head?
Well, now there is.
Hmm?
It's weave mop,
a fashionable hair weave that's also a super-absorbent mop.
It makes your head and your home look great.
Use it in the bathroom.
That toilet is so clean you could eat off it.
Yum.
Use it on pet mess.
You're off the hook this time, rover.
Use it on murder scenes.
Nothing to see here, officer.
Use it on sex mess.
It's like that shameful night never happened.
Even devastating-oil-spill mess
is no problem for weave mop.
And cleaning it is a whiz.
Just ring it out in your kitchen sink.
Go from cleaning the ground to out on the town.
Order weave mop.
Ring us today, and wring out your hair tomorrow.
Later on Stevie TV...
Vh1 rips off The Artist.
And find out what Katy Perry did last Tuesday night.
♪ Sexy mistake ♪
But first...
a moment with Ryan Gosling.
Sorry I'm late.
I was breaking up a fight
between two abandoned puppies
and finding 'em loving homes with deaf children.
Wow.
That top really complements your eyes.
And now...
a moment with Ryan Gosling.
I've been walking hand in hand through the park
with my grandmother, recording
her life story for the biography I'm writing for her birthday.
I couldn't help but notice...
Your ass looks amazing in those jeans.
Hells, yeah.
We're go slipping so asses look good in those jeans.
And guess what's else?
There's a hottie lesbian in town that've just turned eighteen.
And she goes by the name of Justin Beiber!
That's right, ladies! We did it!
It's international legal Bieber-ved!
You stay away from entemy more.
Just because it's eighteen doesn't mean he wants to buy your wiped.
He's ours - not yours.
So, twetted me and let me know, how you rob in the Bieber's bday.
Here's how he did.
Hey, what's up?
As you know, ladies of all ages have Bieber fever.
So I'm gonna help some honeys
out and give 'em a ride in my van.
Let's see what happens.
Hey, what's that?
Damn!
Look at that mom in those mom jeans.
Hey.
Excuse me, beautiful lady.
You need some help with those groceries?
Are you Justin Bieber?
Hells, yeah, I am.
Stop it.
What?
What are you doing here?
You need a ride or something, beautiful?
- No, I live right here, but... - No.
Come on, let me give you a ride.
Okay.
You ticklish, girl?
Damn.
Get a shot of those spanx.
When's the last time you did sex?
Excuse me?
I just did sex 15 minutes ago.
Wait. What is this?
I'm just gonna take this $100 bill...
I'm gonna put it right here, and whatever happens...
Happens.
Look, can we just talk a little first?
Get the [bleep] out of my car.
That's my pur... hey! Wait.
It's the bang bus, not the talk bus.
My stuff!
Punch it. Go.
She just got Bieber-ed.
Slow down, slow down.
Check out her delicious brinkles.
That's some fine prune-tang.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Oh, honey, it's Justin Bieber.
Did you guys need a lift or something?
No, that's all right.
We're just out for a walk. Um, I might like one, actually.
What are you doing?
Who is this kid?
Hey, Mark Twain, come here.
You see this?
My lady.
Oh.
That's my wife!
Hey, hey, go to this liquor store.
Hey, sweetie, I could really use a soda right about now.
Would you mind running up in there and getting me one?
Be right back.
There you go. Careful now.
Okay.
Go, go, go, go!
She just got Bieber-ed!
Hallelujah.
Check out that hot nilf action.
Hey, ladies, I got a confession to make.
I want to [bleep] you.
From the producers of the Academy Award-Winning
The Artist and Basketball Wives comes VH1's newest hit, Artist Wives.
Coming up on Stevie TV...
Katy Perry's wild roofie party.
I don't know, Katy.
This seems really dangerous.
Shut up!
Watch our favorite skits on your phone, tablet, or PC right now at stevietv.vh1.com.
And now...
a moment with Ryan Gosling.
I just finished recording a song to raise money for
displaced polar bears, but...
All I could think about was how much you make me smile.
Thanks for that.
Whoo!
Yeah.
Hey, there, party girl.
Are your parents out of town?
Um, yeah, but they said
I could not have friends over.
Okay, good-bye.
There's no rules tonight,
because we're girls and we can do whatever we wants!
♪ Just and think your hand have a drink off the taun ♪
♪ We got it something random, get roofie tonight ♪
♪ Move you mobile phone, don't tell you friends where you're going♪
♪ Take off your top and show, and everything will be alright ♪
♪ Let's drink tequila and oxycodone ♪
♪ And the sex without condom ♪
♪ Bad decisions ♪
♪ Are fun to make ♪
♪ Bad decisions are great ♪
♪ There's no consequence ♪
♪ To any action ♪
♪ So let's make a sexy mistake ♪
I don't know, Katy.
This seems really dangerous.
Shut up!
We're having fun.
I'm Katy Perry.
♪ Text photos of your boobs ♪
♪ Drink milk that's overdue ♪
♪ Choke yourself ♪
♪ Until you're blue ♪
♪ Get herpes from a pole ♪
♪ Lick a socket ♪
♪ With your tongue ♪
♪ Stare directly at the sun ♪
♪ Run with scissors ♪
♪ It's so fun ♪
♪ You're so rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ You're immortal ♪
♪ So don't be frightened ♪
♪ Strap fireworks ♪
♪ To your breasts ♪
♪ And light them ♪
♪ Bad decisions ♪
♪ Are fun to make ♪
♪ Rub raw chicken on your face ♪
♪ There's no consequence ♪
♪ To any action ♪
♪ So let's make a sexy mistake ♪
♪ Bad decisions ♪
♪ Are fun to make ♪
♪ If you see a cop ♪
♪ Try and grab his gun ♪
♪ There's no consequence ♪
♪ To any action ♪
♪ So let's make a sexy mistake ♪
♪ Sexy mistake ♪
I wonder what's more dangerous to have between your
legs... a giant razor blade or Russell Brand.
Anyways, that's our first show.
See you guys next week, and try not to get roofied tonight,
but tweet at me if you do.
Next time on Stevie TV...
Lady Gaga's new kids' toy,
Kim Richards' latest Meltdown...
Kim!
Megan Fox gets a sitcom, and Lindsay Lohan haunts Hollywood.
Want to party?
You party?
Next time on Stevie TV.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru