All right, bro? Mate!
Oh, I've missed you, man.
How you doing? You all right?
Come on, let's get you home.
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Have I nicked your bedroom? Yeah.
Don't worry, Bobby,
I promise I won't play with your toys.
You can't really tell from a computer screen how beautiful it is.
We had to trek for three weeks to get to this point.
It was worth it though. Sort of takes your breath away, doesn't it?
My brother conquered Mount Everest.
Did they give you a medal? Is that it now, Joe?
Have you got the wanderlust out your system? Feeling ready to settle?
I might, Linda. I might.
So, what now?
Well, if I could stop here for a couple of weeks, Des,
till I find myself a new flat.
What are you asking him for? 'Ey!
So I'm giving you an home... am I supposed to give you a job, an' all?
That's it, Joe.
Four beers. Four beers. Four.. It's his round.
Right in the gate. Urgh!
Lucy. Joe, you're home.
Yeah. Got back Tuesday.
Been soaking in the bath for three days.
You look different.
Had my hair cut.
Suits you. Thanks.
Still got some of your things.
Oh, just take them to the charity shop.
I mean, if I haven't wanted them for a year, then...
11 months. Yeah, well, I won't need them now.
I'm sure they'll be glad of the memory foam pillow.
Oh, yeah, you got me that.
Sorry, I didn't mean that, um...
'Ey! 'Ey, go easy, mate, can't you see she's...?
Is there a father? There usually is.
I mean is there...
you know, someone?
Ah.
You know, right person came along at the right time
and sometimes, well, you just have to go for it.
And you certainly went for it.
I'm glad you're happy, Lucy.
You got what you wanted. Yeah.
Maybe I could arrange to come round and collect the pillow some time.
I threw it out.
Ten months ago.
It's a hell of a shock though, isn't it?
I'm shocked, so you must be in meltdown.
Everybody had you two welded on. Linda's not gonna believe this.
Lucy pregnant? And talk about quick work.
You could have hardly been off the runway!
And married as well!
I always thought you were the bacon in her sarnie,
or she was the bacon in yours.
And I know it was your choice to end it, but... still,
does your head in a bit, dun't it? Does your head in a lot.
Des, I'm gonna walk home. Yeah, I'm walking myself...
price of taxis. No, I mean
I'm going to maybe have another drink.
Sweet, I'll come with you. Des, really,
I appreciate all the brother love, but...
I just fancy, you know, treating myself to a bit of a night out.
Joe, you're not gonna go on the razz, are you?
I've seen lads do that and wake up with all kind of hairy Marys.
Don't worry, I'll stay well clear of the hairy Marys, all right?
'Look at you! You're' terrified.
Wow! It's a pillow!
Joe, stop it! This material was developed for aircraft seats
to increase survival in the event of an accident.
Might need it next time you come after me.
Stop it! Ouch!
There you go. Mm.
Gor-Tex. You can do minus ten in them, easy.
Does get a bit cold on the bus to work.
That is a lot of puddings. One for every day of the year.
Are you trying to get me fat?
Let's give this a try.
I thought I might stop taking the pill.
Why would you do that? D'uh!
I mean...
why now?
Things are going so well living together, and everything,
I feel ready.
They've got treacle tart on October 20th.
What if I want it in July?
Am I allowed to tear out the page and move it forward?
Look at you! You're terrified!
You thought I meant it, "I feel ready." Look at you!
I didn't think you meant it.
Are you ready?
I might be. Are you?
Don't know if the world could cope with an invasion of little Josephs.
It might be an invasion of little Lucys.
Little Josephines.
'It's not running away.' 'Then what is it?'
I want to see the world before it's time for the cardigan and slippers.
You've been travelling, you've done that.
Not with you I haven't. Having babies changes everything, dun't it?
This could be our last chance.
People have kids and still go on holiday.
Lucy, travelling is not a holiday.
'It's like every day is an adventure. After about a month,
you start to feel different... like you've cut loose
from all the rubbish that keeps you tied down.'
It's like nothing else matters but today.
You said you were ready to settle. I am ready... in a year.
That isn't ready, that's the opposite of ready. That's NOT ready.
We can wait for one year. We could see half the world!
All right, I don't want to ask you this, but I have to.
If, say in a year, or whenever, can you imagine wanting to go again?
Of course. It's the most alive I've ever felt.
Of course I can imagine wanting to go again.
You just can't admit what you're doing.
You keep telling me soon, next year, one more trip,
but you're never gonna settle down.
That's not what I'm saying. Yeah, it is. You just said it.
So where did she find this fella
in, like, a few weeks, who suddenly fits the bill
to go the whole hog? Marriage, kids, the lot.
Maybe he was waiting in the wings, keeping tabs.
You know, you do the flit, Lucy's on her lonesome, he jumps in.
Yeah. Maybe she already knew him. Mm.
Probably already sniffing around before I went away.
Consequences, mate. That's why I got in there quick with Linda...
before some other bloke got any ideas.
Des, you've been going out with Linda since you were both 14.
I wasn't taking any chances.
Why don't you just ask Lucy who it is? No.
If I ask, she'll tell me.
You think I want to see the giddy look on her face when she says his name?
Fred. Tommy. Adrian.
No, not nice.
So what are you gonna do?
All right, Will?
Fancy meeting you here.
Oh, it's you.
Lucy said she bumped into you in the Yellow Moon.
Why is it all the certs turn out to be losers?
How's your ulcer?
Thriving.
I didn't know you were a betting man.
A lad at work gave me a tip. Ha!
Well, you can forget that. It's probably a dream his missus had.
I've got a bloke that phones me from the stables every morning.
Exclusive subscription.
Proper tipster.
I tell you what, see this next race?
If you were to lend me, say,
20, 50?
20?
I must admit, I was a bit shocked to find out your Lucy was married.
Married?! Well, not as shocked as I am.
She's not married?
Well, not unless she sneaked away to Vegas
when she told me she was going to the baby shop up the town.
25 and we'll split the winnings.
Di, lend me your ring. Eh?
Your wedding ring... just give it me.
'Still got some of your things.'
'Oh, just take them to the charity shop.'
'Maybe I could arrange to come round and collect the pillow some time.'
'I threw it out.'
Why did you say you were married when you're not?
I never said I was married. You showed me a ring!
What business is it of yours if I'm six times divorced,
a swinger, and a lesbian?
You lied to me.
You just can't bear the thought
that while you were off traversing the globe,
other people might be getting on with their lives.
You knew I would come back. Yeah.
And I knew you'd go away again.
So who is he? The father.
All you need to know is that it isn't you,
which I imagine will make you very relieved.
What?
What is it?
I think you'd better call me a taxi.
Ooh!
Argh! Urgh!
It happens sometimes... regular contractions and then nothing.
Is there a reason?
Probably stress brought it on.
No, I mean is there a reason you won't tell me who the father is?
Yeah, cos you won't believe me if I tell you. Try me.
I was visited in the night by a strange spirit.
Immaculate conception.
Is it because he dumped you when he realised you were pregnant?
Something like that. Is it cos it's someone I know?
Of course, it has to be about you.
I'll find out anyway. You won't.
Your dad'll tell me. He won't.
If I lend him 20 quid, he'll tell me what perfume you're wearing.
He won't tell you!
Your dad doesn't know, does he?
Have you told anyone who the father is?
Lucy!
Not telling anyone who the father of your baby is, that...
that must be so lonely.
Are... are you OK? I mean, are you gonna be OK?
Have you got everything you need? Don't feel sorry for me, Joe.
I'm having a baby... I couldn't be happier.
You couldn't have wanted to be on your own.
You know what I wanted.
I'm sorry for saying that thing.
It was offensive. Which one?
Everything you've said so far has been pretty offensive.
The perfume jibe.
And for shouting at you in the street.
Which is probably what brought on the contractions.
If they were contractions.
This isn't about you anymore, Joe.
And it's not about me neither.
And it's not about the man that made me pregnant.
All that is done.
The only thing that matters now is this baby
and what's right for him.
Yeah, I see that.
It's true what they say about pregnant women.
You look amazing.
So, I'll give you a lift home.
Yeah.
Right,
three slices or four? Two.
Your mother swore by bacon when she was carrying you,
it's full of protein. And fat.
Why did you tell Joe I wasn't married?
How was I supposed to keep up a pretence
when I didn't know there was a pretence?
Did his eyes pop out?
Let him sweat and suffer.
Make you feel there's some sort of justice in the world.
What've you got? Er,
it's a... it's a job interview. Great!
What for? Selling. Sales.
You'd be good at that. Oh, yes.
Bullshit-to-go.
Dad, when are you gonna put that cot together?
There's plenty of time.
Uncle Joe? Yeah?
When are you going?
Do you want to see my photos of Everest? Not really.
Eating your breakfast and having a haircut at the same time...
pretty impressive, Bobby. It's the only time he sits still.
Isn't there a law against changing nappies in the kitchen?
Nah, you get special dispensation when you've got three under eight.
It makes you wonder what kind of bloke would do that to Lucy.
We're not talking about that, are we?
Just to leave her to it completely. Yeah, it's terrible,
but Joe's got to get out there, draw a line.
She must have a reason to keep it all top secret.
You must want to know, Joe.
Uncle Joe'll be leaving soon.
There is a message in there somewhere.
In China, they have this thing... the Tao.
It's like the path for your life.
You're supposed to find your path and follow it if you want to be happy.
You lot, this is your path.
Me, maybe it's best if I just go back to doing what I always do...
fill a rucksack with some clothes.
She didn't mention anything to me about a boyfriend.
You think I didn't ask her?
Did she say why she wouldn't tell you?
I got a girl pregnant once.
I mean, it wasn't love or anything. I was young.
She was younger.
She cried for a week.
Then said she was going for a terminal.
Termination.
A terminal's what you have at an airport.
So why did Lucy decide to keep her baby?
She agonised.
She was wavering.
I think it was my fault, really.
I saw a cot in a charity shop, thought it'd cheer her up.
Well, she cried and cried, and said,
well, it's a person, isn't it?
When did Lucy tell you she was pregnant?
She just said she was giving up work.
I told her I thought she was mad... I mean, it was good money
and we need every penny.
Then she said she HAD to pack it in because she was pregnant.
Well, I was surprised,
because she wasn't even showing.
I mean, most women, they work right until the end nowadays, don't they?
Hold on.
She wasn't even showing or anything and she's packed her job in?
I couldn't get through to her. I mean, we're gonna need every penny.
It's her boss, isn't it?
It's about mood. It's about atmosphere.
You know, people lie in the bath and go over all their life's troubles.
'Life goes on. We go on.
We're a couple. We share.' I knew you'd blame me.'
It makes sense, doesn't it?
It is a beautiful baby.
Penny, there are kids out there...
they'll spend their whole childhood in institutions.
They'll never know what it is to have a mother, a father.
They'll never feel what it is to be cherished.
Of course you're right, but we're not ready for that yet.
We have tried everything.
We're putting too much pressure on ourselves, that's all.
That's the problem.
But imagine the life we could give to one of those kids.
Don't you want that? Of course I want that.
For OUR child.
I went for a tarot reading and she said
that something would happen in three.
Three what? Well, just three.
You know, it's not a science, it's metaphysical.
It's about what's really going on underneath the surface of things.
It's just...
well, when do we accept that it's... it's not gonna happen?
Not yet.
'You're treating me like it's my fault.
'Are you saying it's my fault?' No, of course not!
'But it is my fault, isn't it? My tubes.'
Please.
Look, Dom, please.
Do you have to breathe like that?
I didn't know I snored. It's not snoring, it's breathing.
Like this.
If it's breathing, I don't know there's much I can do about that.
I can't sleep in here. I'm going to the back bedroom.
If there's anything else you need, just pop in.
Joe. Business is booming, is it?
Home improvements seem to be... Never had it so good.
I'm allowed to make a living. Oh, yeah!
It's great to see people getting on. Lucy, by the way, is jobless.
I didn't fire Lucy. Living in her dad's flat,
hardly a penny to her name. She chose to leave.
If you could call it a choice. It was a bit awkward.
There's a word for it... awkward.
Lucy told you. You do it so well, don't you?
It's very convincing.
Dominic... mister nice, mister smile and ruin your life.
Are you and her back together? Heart of stone!
No, no, heart of ice.
No, heart of tile.
Tile Your Bastard Life.
Look, I know I was married... How are you sleeping?
I mean, if it was me, I'd be awake all night, tormented.
I'd be in bits with guilt.
Does it really not bother you at all that your baby's out there?
Well, it will be soon. Any minute now.
There is a woman out there who's gonna have your baby
and you wake up every morning and say, "Hey, Tile Your Life"?
She didn't tell you.
'But imagine the life that we could give to one of those kids.
Don't you want that?' 'Of course I want that.
For OUR child.'
'Does it really not bother you at all that your baby is out there?'
Oh. Sorry.
Oh, that's all right. I was, um, working late
and I just... well, I just crashed.
Want coffee? Um, no, that's yours.
I haven't drunk out of it yet. Well, one slug.
I'll go out and get another one.
It's seven in the morning. Why are you here at this hour?
You know, lots to do, just...
Can't stand being at home?
Your hair's ruffled.
Um, yeah, must get it cut.
It looks nice.
If we go out, we can both have a coffee. Come on.
I feel stupid getting caught sleeping in the office.
I feel stupid telling stupid lies about it.
It's OK, it's none of my business.
And it's not stupid, it's human,
and you are human, aren't you?
It's pathetic. I'm your boss, I can't fall apart.
Why is it pathetic? Everybody has emotional times.
Did you have a row?
Not a row.
Why does it always have to be so difficult?
Love would be great if it wasn't for the other person.
They're the ones who go and bugger things up.
Yeah, thank God we're normal, eh?
Anyway...
I've decided to give up.
I thought you'd already given up on Joe.
On relationships. They're too bloody painful.
Oh, you're young, attractive... you'll have them queuing up.
Trouble is, men my age either want to be free spirits or Jack the Lad.
I shouldn't say this, but I'm going to.
Pack in working for me. You're far too smart for this job.
You could go to college. Study business or something.
What would you study? Hm... Probably psychology.
People. Find out what the hell's going on.
Maybe that's the reason why you and Joe had to split up...
so you could find out who you really are.
Everything happens for a reason. I've read about this Jesuit fellow,
he said everything is exactly as it should be.
Do you believe that?
No. I just hoped it might make me sound wise and sage.
It doesn't. Yeah, I know.
She punishes me.
All of the time.
I can't do right for doing wrong,
and I know it's because she's hurting, but...
I've run out of understanding.
I've run out of patience. I just want it to stop.
Hey.
'Ere you are, Romeo, you've got a visitor.
My dad.
What is it? Is he hurt?
He hasn't paid the rent.
I am dependant on him to be reliable
and he has never been reliable for more than five minutes
in his whole bloody life! Oh, not the bloody tears!
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Oh, I'm sorry, Joe, to turn up in bits. It's not fair on you.
Everything is a horrible mess and it's my fault. It's all my doing.
I am having a baby and I'm living with my bloody dad
who is a useless liar
and a complete flake.
And I want to admit to someone that I'm scared...
and lonely.
But I can't talk to my mates about it cos they don't get it.
They say I've always wanted a baby and now I've got what I wanted,
I should be grateful and... I should.
And I am.
But you can be scared and grateful at the same time, can't you?
Yeah.
Come here.
Oh...
Oh!
That's better.
I didn't do a lot, really.
You held me.
Oh!
Joe, I realised...
everything you said was true.
I was accusing you of being scared, but it was me that was scared.
That's what stopped me from coming with you.
You could have called me.
Come out after me.
I only realised last night.
What a thing to give your kids.
We went to Mount Everest together.
Instead of saying that...
I spent 39 years putting up scaffolding.
I just wanted you to know that I... I'm sorry.
I was thinking...
why won't she tell anyone who the father of the baby is?
Then I got it.
He's married. Has to be.
Joe, I am the cause of all this.
And if I can do one good thing in this terrible mess,
it's to tell no-one who he is. Not even him.
What if he finds out? He can't.
He mustn't. I would never forgive myself if he did.
Remember that thing you asked me?
When I got back, would I want to got again?
Mm.
Well, I do.
Course you do.
These boots were made for walking, eh?
Hello. Oh, hello.
I won't be buying any today, it's a little early.
I've only just found out, but I was passing.
I'll come back later in my term, with my husband.
You've got some lovely little babygrows.
And little bunnies.
I don't even know yet if it's a boy or a girl. I'll come back. OK.
There's nothing there.
It's a rash. I can feel it.
Dad, you don't feel a rash. A rash is something you see.
And it's spreading.
'Lucy?'
'Um, I thought I'd see how you... how you were doing.'
Yeah. I'm good.
I was... I was wondering if I could see you.
'I don't think that's a good idea.' Just for a few minutes.
'Today?'
I really don't think that's a good idea.
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have rung. I should have called round.
Why do you want to see me? Just... just to see you.
Um, to catch up.
You know, don't you?
God, Lucy!
I'm so sorry.
Lucy, why didn't you tell me?
Why do you think, Dominic?
How did you find out?
I saw you.
On the street.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna do nothing.
What is there to do? I'm gonna have the baby and get on with my life.
But I can't just leave you to... How are things with Penny? Better.
The same.
Hell.
And it's the kind of hell where you can't admit anything's wrong.
She's taken up gardening. It's one obsession after another.
Tarot cards, palmistry.
Look, Lucy, I want to do the right thing.
The right thing for who?
Every day I wake up and... you know, I think about...
I've only done three classes so far,
but I think I'm rather getting the hand of it.
Let me have a look at your palms. Oh, no. Go on.
Just for a bit of practice. Right, um...
Ooh, now, you've got Mercury at the bottom of your little finger,
which means marriage, I think. I'll have to check in the book.
Not marriage. Not me.
Um... Ooh, and you've got a...
a break in your lifeline, which means a sudden change.
Penny, I have to leave.
I mean I have to give you my notice.
Oh! That is sudden.
We don't want to lose you, Lucy. If it's the money...
No, it's not the money.
Well, there must be a reason.
I'm going travelling. Travelling? You?
Sorry, I didn't mean it to...
It's just that isn't that why you split up with your boyfriend? Yeah.
But I changed my mind. Oh, you're gonna meet up with him.
Yes, yeah, I am. Oh!
Oh, Dom will be devastated when I tell him.
Penny, can I tell him myself? I think I owe him that.
Yeah, of course you can.
Aw! Thanks.
I don't like myself. In fact, I can't stand myself.
I imagine what it must feel like so... desperate to have a child
and...
She was good to me.
But we can't just forget this has happened. You can.
We can.
Your job is to love your wife. She deserves that.
We were reckless.
No, we were hurting... it was comfort.
That's all. That's all it was.
There are a million single mothers out there
and now there's a million and one.
Why did you decide to keep the baby?
I knew it was possible that a lot of people could get very hurt,
and I know it's selfish, but I just kept thinking
I might not get another opportunity. What if this is it?
This is my chance to have a baby. Dominic, please,
I'll never ask you for anything. Penny need never know.
No-one knows who the father is. I've made sure of that. Just me,
and now you.
But... I haven't told a soul,
and you only found out because you saw me.
You didn't see me, did you?
How did you find out?
How could you know? It's not possible. How?
Who?
Dom, I scared myself today.
I saw my reflection in a shop window and I sort of saw what I was like,
what I'd become, and it frightened me.
I went into that baby shop in town and I was pretending to be pregnant.
Pretending to myself.
Dom... I know I've been awful to live with.
But I've come through it now.
It's grief.
There are five stages to grief, apparently.
Denial, anger...
Oh, denial, ang...
Oh, I forget the other three.
Salsa, sleeping in the back bedroom, and a keen sensitivity to breathing.
Yes.
Anyway, I'm back now.
And I know how you've been trying, darling,
and you've been incredibly patient, and accepting,
and I might have been a complete witch, but I...
I did know, and it did matter to me that you were still there.
You know, you were... still mine.
I know you tried to get me to do this ages ago,
I know I wouldn't listen.
I'm listening now. We're too old to adopt in this borough,
you can only adopt from China
through a registered adoption agency.
Penny, slow down. You do the paperwork here
and they do a sort of home assessment, and health checks.
But you do have to go to China. Penny.
It's taken me this long to admit it, you know, that it's not going to happen, our baby, to face it, but...
I do now, so...
we can move on, Dom.
We can... we can get a child.
Penny, there's something I want to tell you,
have to tell you. Are you going to leave me?
You can't. Not now.
I'm truly sorry, Dom, I know I can be a monster sometimes,
I've learnt my lesson, I take you for granted, I won't anymore.
I promise you. Please, please let me prove myself to you.
It's not you, Pen, it's me.
Oh, forget about Chinese babies, let's just concentrate on us.
Oh, darling Dom,
you love me, I know you do.
Oh, Dom.
Here you are, Joe. Getting to be a regular soap opera, this.
You cuddled me!
And the whole time you knew you'd told him I was pregnant!
The only thing that ever concerns you is your own bloody feelings!
Why did you have to tell him? I didn't know he didn't know, did I?
What right do you have to interfere? The minute my back was turned,
you slept with your boss!
And I'm supposed to feel nothing? Shut up! You're telling everyone.
You came here, you're making it a shouting match.
I am not shouting particulars and names, am I?
I'm shouting anger at you, who has cau...
Argh!
What? Nothing!
What's up? It's not the baby.
You're beautiful.
I know a woman's not supposed to say that to a man... beautiful...
but you are.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Could I borrow your mobile, please?
My battery's flat and it's an emergency.
I won't run off with it, I promise.
I work in there.
My name's Joe Drinkwater. Please?
Is that your company? No, my brother's.
I'm not a setting-up-a-company kind of bloke.
What kind of bloke are you? I like walking.
Thank you.
Hello? 'It's me.
The bloke who borrowed your phone.
Um, I lied. It wasn't an emergency.
I used your phone to call my phone to get your number.
Cos I was too scared to ask you out in person,
so I'm asking you now.'
She had sex with my husband.
Stay here as long as you like.
I'm going to Argentina. Want to come? It's not OK.
Penny wants the baby.
Have you seen a man with a baby?
I am here to arrest you.
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