Not long ago, thanks to my sister Sloan,
I was allowed to witness one of nature's most wondrous
and magical moments... The miracle of birth.
But despite the unspeakable pain,
we fall madly in love with it.
I read a t-shirt once that says it takes a village to raise a child.
That's because breastfeeding the little barnacle
sucks the life out of the poor mother.
As a big thank you for helping with the baby
Sloan took us to a beautiful French restaurant.
This place is so bougie.
This is a big thank you to everyone,
especially you, Chelsea.
For someone who's so selfish
and has no maternal instincts, you really stepped up.
And next time my baby latches on to your boob
by accident, please don't let it go on for so long.
You look great, Sloan.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. I feel great.
I actually showered and blow-dried my hair myself for the first time in ages.
And my boobs are so large.
I feel like a fox weather girl.
You are like a fox weather girl.
That one's even leaning to the right.
I don't understand any of this stuff on the menu.
Churete and huh-huh!
Oh, that's trout with butter.
You speak French?
Oh, yeah, when I was a little girl, I had a nanny from quebec.
♪ Alouette
♪ gentille alouette
♪ alouette, gentille alouette ♪
♪ je te plumerai, je te plumerai la... ♪
Ok, ok, that's... That's annoying.
Bonsoir, ladies.
I have an amuse bouche for you from the chef.
And please feel free to compliment it,
because, well, I am the chef.
You are smoking top chef, hot.
Thank you, but I meant the amuse bouche.
What's an amuse bouche?
Oh, she's... She's beautiful.
And whose baby is this?
Hers.
You probably couldn't even tell
that I just had a baby, that's why you had to ask.
I'm the aunt.
So, basically we have all the same genes,
just not all the wear and tear on the gear box.
Ok.
Mmm, yummy.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry it's not to your liking.
Mmm. No, my tooth.
My teeth are fine.
Me oui. Si.
What'd he say?
He likes you. Really?
He's cute.
I mean, that's a nice guy.
He likes children, he's got a job,
that's the kind of guy I'd like to see you with.
Yeah. But if I just get a one night stand,
you still want details?
Absolutely not.
But I wouldn't mind looking at some photos.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD Resync by into-the-light www.addic7ed.com/
I feel it's important to have sex soon
after meeting someone to find out what they're really into.
You don't want to come home after 2 months
of dating him, to find him waiting
in your bedroom with 2 Cambodian girls and a goat.
You know what?
I can't feel my legs.
Fortunately, Robert and I fit together really well.
You're so delicious.
You know what I'd like to do now?
Ok, good to go.
No, I... I want to cook for you,
something rich and sensual.
Later.
Wow.
Now... I must insist.
One of my great joys is to cook for my lover
and see the pleasure it gives her.
Yeah, I'm not a really big foodie.
I'm more of a drinky and screwy.
Come with me.
Hey, Dee.
Bonsoir, Dee Dee.
Bonsoir, Robert.
I know what you two were doing.
We were playing a game of scrabble...
And he had a really long word.
Really?
Oh, you got me. Money shot.
That's... that's not what that means.
I have to admit something to you.
Robert is so cute, I had a dream I went to second base with him.
I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
As long as you're not pregnant.
So, what are you making?
Soft eggs with chives. Mmm.
Oh, if you need a peppermill, I've got 2 kinds.
I love to cook... but not in a competitive way.
I mean, you and Chelsea seem really happy together.
Open your mouth.
Oh, my God.
Why are they so good?
Truffle salt.
Do we have that?
I always carry some in a baggie in my pocket.
Mmm. If you got shrooms in there,
this could turn into a magical breakfast.
Oh, well, I should scoot.
Hee hee.
Hey, I found a transvestite bar
in hoboken that has the best ladies night.
How do they know who's the lady?
There's a pat down.
Ooh.
That's why we have to go right after work.
Oh, man, that sounds so fun, but I can't.
I'm going out with Robert.
Again?
Notre-damn, girl.
All right, all right. Will you two relax?
You think this guy is so great just because he's French.
The French are awesome, Rick.
They got great wine, great looking women,
great art, topless beaches, and, of course, Napoleon.
That's him.
Holy crap. That's a good looking man.
Hello, Chelsea.
You remember Olivia.
That's Todd and that's Rick.
It's good to meet you.
Hey, man. Oh, nice basket.
Thank you. I like women.
Oh, ha ha ha.
No, no, no.
I was talking about your picnic basket.
I like women, too.
You're bisexual. Good for you.
You told me that, uh, you will have a lunch break
at 3:00, so I brought you this.
Oh, my God. That smells so good.
Braised rabbit on a fresh baguette.
Oh, what's for dessert... Bambi?
Where can I set it up?
Oh, uh, you know what, I'll show you.
Wow.
So, that's what you're into, huh?
Just flat-out handsome French guy?
- Yeah, that's what I'm into. - Hmm.
Anyone would be.
Turtles would be into him.
Yeah, until he makes them into a soup.
I don't know, Chels,
I'm just saying, I got a bad feeling about that guy.
Yeah, well, jealousy feels bad, Rick.
No, no. That's not it.
Just think about it, right? A chef that looks like him? No.
I don't buy it.
I mean, it's like when I see guys at the bar
that don't drink, you just know they got a pocket full of roofies.
Well, he's got a pocket full of truffle salt.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my rabbit's ready.
And for the first time in my life, that's not a euphemism.
As the days went by, Robert was feeding me foods
that were making more than just my mouth water.
I never thought it would be so sexy to watch a man bone a fish.
I had never tasted food like this.
And the more I had, the more I wanted.
Try this.
Oh, my God.
These desserts are amazing.
You're amazing.
You know what I'm in the mood for now?
What?
Something salty.
No, seriously, something salty,
like quiche with bacon.
What?
Oh, my tooth is killing me.
I'm ready to knock it out of my mouth with mom's urn.
Is there any way you can watch Sylvia tomorrow at 2:00?
That's the only time the dentist can see me.
Yes. Good-bye.
Hey, Olivia, where the hell is Chelsea?
She was supposed to be in like a half an hour ago.
I think she's in the shower.
Let me call her.
On her shower phone?
Oh, man.
Hey, uh, I'm, uh, stuck in traffic.
I'm on my way.
No, don't go.
Call in sick.
I can't.
Oh, but you can.
All right, maybe I can.
Hey, Chelsea.
Bonjour, Robert.
Bonjour, Dee Dee.
Uh, Olivia called me and told me to come in here
and not leave until Chelsea had her uniform on and was out the door.
So, here I am.
Sorry I'm late.
I was having some, uh, lady problems with my lady parts.
Yeah, was there a French guy stuck in them?
Look, I'm serious, Chels.
You got to stop coming in late.
Jerry's talking about firing you.
All right, I got it, ok? All right.
You got something in your hair.
Mmm, it's pate.
Hey, why don't we serve pate here?
Well, because it's a sports bar... in new Jersey.
Can you grab table 12?
Yeah, I'm on it.
You know, would it kill us to class up the place a little?
Mmm, that is so good.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, dad. I'll be right there.
Wow.
Chelsea's getting a little thick around the middle there.
It comes from her mother's side, rest her soul.
Tubby mid-sections, but at least they weren't hairy people.
Hey, dad.
Hi, Chels.
You still seeing your cook friend?
Yeah.
I really like him.
Maybe you ought to tell him to ease off
the butter and switch to margarine.
Don't worry. I got it under control.
All right.
Hi. Where's Chelsea?
Oh, I don't know.
She and Robert left a while ago.
Are you ok?
No, I'm not ok.
My tooth is killing me and I needed somebody
to watch Sylvia so I can go to the dentist.
Oh, I have to go to work.
Why are you talking like that?
Oh, I'm an empathetic person.
I'm talking like that so you don't feel alone in your pain.
Well, can we focus on what's going on with my mouth
instead of the weird things that come out of yours?
If you're really in a bind,
I can take Sylvia to the flower shop with me.
We have like a really serious cockroach problem
right now, but if I keep her on the workbench, she'll be fine.
Hopefully, they have some pesticide there that she can swallow, too.
That would be a real home run.
I'm not sure.
Let me call and find out.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Sloan.
Where the hell are you?
I'm so sorry, Sloan. I totally spaced.
Oh, that's no problem.
I'll just get into my car and drive straight into a wall.
I think I got some leftover pain meds to tide you over.
Chelsea, I am breastfeeding.
But where are they?
Just forget it. I'll call dad.
I'll have him watch her.
Are you sure you're ok with this, dad?
It'll be my pleasure.
I got to sell a car in downtown Newark
and this little lady is my ticket to hauling ass in the carpool Lane!
Robert, when is it going to be done?
Beef bourguignon takes time.
First you braise it and then simmer it
lovingly with wine and mushroom until it falls off the bone.
Speaking of falling off the bone,
I am so sorry I fell asleep in the middle of it last night.
I was just too full.
Oh, God. That smells so good.
It will be ready in a minute and all your troubles will melt away.
Good, good, good, good. I need some.
My sister is like on my case
and my dad thinks my eating is becoming a problem.
It's like crazy.
Americans are such prudes about sex and food.
It's gotta be done by now.
Chelsea, wait.
I just want a little.
Let's not be animals.
Stop being such a cook tease.
I'm starting to think Rick was right.
This guy's not good for Chelsea.
I know. I'm starting to worry, too.
I saw something like this on Dr. Drew.
It's called a toxic relationship.
Yeah, it's like drugs, but in a bad way.
On that show "intervention,"
they say you can't really help
someone until they hit rock bottom.
- That's it. - I can't wait anymore!
Chelsea, I said wait!
Wow.
That's rock bottom.
Thank you all for coming.
I hope everybody had time
to watch "intervention" to see how this works.
If you didn't catch this week's, make a point of it
because there's a face picker meth addict who will just melt your heart.
Seriously, is that how we're doing this?
I thought we were all just going to gang up on her.
Yeah, but in a reality TV way.
When in doubt, tell a heartbreaking story from your childhood,
like that time I couldn't have ice cream
before bed because I couldn't open the freezer.
How is that heartbreaking?
Well, because my mom was pinned against it
having sex with my gymnastics coach.
She's here.
What's going on?
Chelsea, have a seat.
We're here because we love you.
Or because we all got duped by some crazy, skinny, white girl.
Melvin, would you like to begin?
Sure. Ahem.
Chelsea, I'm worried about you.
"You're messing up at work, everybody's mad at you
"and I got to be honest, with the extra weight you're packing,
you're starting to look like a lesbian who works at a gas station."
That's as far as I got.
Thank you, Melvin. Olivia, your turn.
Chelsea, you're not yourself.
We never hang out anymore.
You haven't been to a single happy hour this month.
And to be honest, I'm concerned about your drinking.
I drink all the time.
But do you even get drunk?
No. You have so much food in your belly you can't even get a buzz.
And when's the last time you had sex?
Maybe having sex and getting drunk isn't everything.
Ok, can we just please cut to the crap right now, ok?
Get it together.
You've been off the rails ever since mom died.
Oh, please, this has nothing to do with mom.
Yes, it does. Her funeral was 6 months ago,
since then, you've gotten a D.U.I.
You've been missing work and you're messing around
with that French guy all the time sucking on his béarnaise sauce.
So, I'm experiencing new things.
That is my business.
Well, actually, it's all of our business now
because you're about to lose your job.
I am not.
Actually, Chels,
Jerry's talking about interviewing people.
I can't take this anymore, ok?
I just had a baby and I haven't washed my hair
or taken a shower since we went to that stupid
French restaurant in the first place.
And every time I go to the market,
she cries and people look at me like I'm a bad mommy
and it's because I have no sleep! I have no sleep!
And I feel like everything itches and I have a hemorrhoid!
I know I have a hemorrhoid! I need you!
Sloan, I'm really sorry, ok?
I was being selfish and I'm... I'm
really sorry for letting you down.
Ok, just don't do it anymore.
I won't.
I promise.
Can I hold her?
You can raise her.
I have to go to the dentist.
This tooth is killing me.
I need him to pull this bitch out.
All right, guys, we gang banged
this intervention out of the park.
That's not what that means, Dee Dee.
I don't have much time. I need to go back to work.
No, no, no. This won't take very long.
I just... I need you to know, I think we need
to make some changes in our relationship.
My family and friends are worried that you're not good for me.
I'm sorry, Chelsea, but maybe you should not care what they think.
But they're my family.
Yes, they're very nice.
They seem a little...
What's the word...
White trash?
They're not trash.
Where is all this coming from?
Don't worry, Chelsea.
You're not like your family.
My family is awesome, all right?
You were the one who had me lapping beef juice off the floor.
That wasn't your best moment, yeah.
No, it was not, but this is...
Good-bye, Robert.
You are an ass.
Granted, the most beautiful, rock hard,
sculpted ass I've ever seen...
But an ass.
After starting a strict liquid diet,
combined with heavy cardio, slowly but surely I got back
to my fighting weight and back to my old self.
Dee Dee. Dee Dee, hi.
Oh, hey, guys. How was ladies night?
Guess who's drunk?
Oh, God, it's so easy on an empty stomach.
Hey.
Hey, Rick. What are you doing here?
You just called me and told me
that there was a mouse in here?
Oh, oh. What we meant was, do you have any pot?
No. Ohh.
Drug time means bed time.
Rick, come here.
Can I tell you something?
You're just as good looking as Robert, you know?
No, I'm not.
You're not. No one is. God.
No.
Hey, look, so, I know you won't remember
this anyways, but I feel like I gotta tell you.
I was a little bit jealous.
Look, I know we're not right for each other, ok?
But I can tell when someone else isn't either.
That's sweet.
Hey. Hmm?
If we turn Olivia on her side, she'll fart.
Do you want to do it?
Ha ha ha.
No. I think that's my cue.
Good night, Rick.
All right.
Well, good night, Chelsea.
Hey, on behalf of all the bartenders
in the tri-state area,
it's good to have you drunk again.
Hey, how you feeling after last night?
Oh hangover, I have that weird taste in my mouth...
Boy, I missed this.
Remember our little talk?
Oh, damn, did I have sex with you?
Uhh, no, but you begged me for it.
No, I didn't!
Yeah, you did!
Please, come on, Rick!
Yup, sounded just like that.